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  #1    
Old December 2nd, 2017 (9:46 AM). Edited January 25th, 2018 by Fawful_X.
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Fawful_X Fawful_X is offline
Monster-hunting Red Mage
     
    Join Date: Apr 2017
    Gender: Male
    Nature: Timid
    Posts: 50
    WARNING! THIS FIC MAY/WILL CONTAIN: STRONG LANGUAGE, VIOLENCE, OCCULT THEMES*
    *Warnings may or may not be revised as the fic continues; additional warnings will be provided at the start of the chapter it comes up on and will show up here in an edit

    The hand of fate can be a fickle one. With just a single decision, it can choose to end the fortune of an unfortunate soul, or grant it to a fortunate one. At times, however, its actions can be a blessing in disguise, or a curse that aims to take advantage of a foolhardy soul.

    A nobleman Braixen of a world populated almost exclusively by pokemon, knowingly or not, is a testament to the more subtle and conniving aspects of fate when he is forced to flee his home by an unknown assailant and take up a journey he desired to for a long time, unaware of the danger it presented. At the same time, a Zoroark found her comfortable, adventurous lifestyle disrupted by the cards that have been dealt. Bound together by a red string tied to the enigmatic Ricardo family, the two are enraveled in a mystery that seeps deep into the cracks of a dark conspiracy and must co-operate… assuming they don’t shatter from friction alone.


    So this is my first fanfiction here, and also the first one I've written in god-knows-how-long that isn't my typical "expanded nuzlocke story" affair. I'd be lying if I didn't feel a little tense about posting it, but at the same time, how will I know if it's any good or not unless I post it for the general public to see?

    I've decided to go for a tarot card motif for each chapter, both to provide insight into the contents of each chapter and because I honestly couldn't come up with any other chapter naming schemes that I was satisfied with (including simply numbering them, since it doesn't clearly define what one could expect to be reading about and I like some ability to forecast that stuff in the chapter title).

    Chapter Quick-Jump


    In-Universe Tarot Reference Sheet
    Spoiler:
    0 - Bounsweet - The Fool
    Naivety, Freedom, Chaos, Creativity

    1 - Braixen - The Magician
    Initiative, Immaturity, Manipulation, Untapped Potential

    2 - Aromatisse - The Priestess
    Hidden Knowledge, Wisdom, Patience

    4 - Tyrantrum - The Emperor
    Control, Dominance, Oppression

    6 - Togetic - The Lovers
    Decisions, Love, Understanding

    7 - Bisharp - Chariot
    Victory, War, Self-Confidence

    8 - Arcanine - Justice
    Justice, Rationality, Analysis

    10 - Jirachi - Fortune
    Fate, Luck, Opportunity

    11 - Azumarill - Strength
    Self-Control, Virtue, Tranquility

    16 - Absol - The Tower
    Disaster, Demise, Dread, Impending Doom

    17 - Blissey - The Star
    Hope, Altruism, Luck, Joy

    18 - Zoroark - The Moon
    Inspiration, Fantasy, Illusions, Trickery

    21 - Zygarde - The World
    Fulfillment, Harmony, Unity


    The disorganized, unmarked list of in-universe tarot cards that I'll sort out and add to the other list as they appear in the story
    Spoiler:
    Lopunny, Oranguru, Slowking, Eevee, Vigoroth, Xatu, Audino, Gardevoir, Timburr

    You can probably guess some of these, but regardless I'll still only reveal them as they appear in the story.
    I'd also like it if you could keep your guesses to yourself but other than that I can't really stop you if you wanna share them
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      #2    
    Old December 2nd, 2017 (9:48 AM).
    Fawful_X's Avatar
    Fawful_X Fawful_X is offline
    Monster-hunting Red Mage
       
      Join Date: Apr 2017
      Gender: Male
      Nature: Timid
      Posts: 50
      Chapter 1: Death, Fool; Unversed Star, Reversed Hermit
      Spoiler:
      “Ein, Zwei… What was the next number? Drei?”

      The Braixen muttering to himself scratched his chin boredly. No matter how much he wished to go on an adventure, that didn’t change how he was stuck in a castle and essentially wasting away as he studied foreign languages to become a diplomat, just like how his father had, and his father, and his father…

      “Sir?” asked a servant after knocking on his room’s door. “Dinner’s ready.”

      The Braixen’s stomach growled in anticipation… Wait, already? The sunlight had barely even hit his book, when normally it stretches out across the door. Cautiously, he got up and looked through the keyhole of the door to try and confirm whether or not there was a servant there or not. After a brief look, he quickly realized something was very off.

      Namely, there was nobody there.

      “Sir? Your dinner is READY.”

      Mentally cursing to himself, he ducked away from the keyhole and tried to calm himself down and think of any other rational possibilities that someone could have come to him. Still… it couldn’t be someone across the hallway, as the nobles’ kitchen’s side wall was there. Nor could it be to the left, as that turned to another hallway. The right was also not possible, as that led to a staircase. That meant…

      “SIR. Your DINNER is getting COLD. Come out and EAT IT.”

      Quickly pushing away any thoughts of what this mysterious person would do, his attention soon drifted to the small open-air window. He knew that he was on the fourth floor, so throwing himself out the window would easily cripple him, or in a worst case scenario result in him splatting on the ground. As he had no means of softening his fall, he found himself scanning the rest of his room and settling his eyes on a scroll.

      He never was allowed a stick due to how “witchcraft” was strictly taboo in the castle grounds, and in all honesty, he agreed with this belief. Still, this was likely a dire situation, and such times called for desperate measures. Making up his mind, he stood up and calmly walked to get the scroll, before going to the window as he put it in his tail while the unknown person began to bang on the door.

      (Telekinesis.)

      He proceeded to swiftly jerk the scroll out of his tail, the thick, abrasive fur igniting it with ease. The fire on it turned a magenta color as the scroll was quickly incinerated, with him floating up to the window occuring in turn. With awkward, struggling steps, the Braixen soon found himself tumbling to the ground.

      (NonononoNONONO-)

      His heart stopped for the briefest of moments as a strong force that was almost magnetic in nature repelled him from the ground and safely deaccelerated him to the point he would survive without major injury. The Telekinesis soon wore off, however, and left him face-planting in the grass.

      Brushing himself off, he stood up and looked around him. Soon, he realized he was outside the castle… wait. He was outside the castle! He was free! He had escaped from a life of dull repetition and bureaucracy! Overwhelmed with joy at his liberation, he proceeded to run off in the hopes that he could find a town by nightfall.



      “The usual?”

      “Of course.”

      The Zoroark watched as the Conkeldurr bartender procured a dark grey shake and poured it into her glass, which she began sipping from.

      “Anything of note, Conkeldurr?”

      “Well, for starters, there’s rumors of a ‘demon’ that prowls the streets at night…”

      “I meant news, not rumors with little to no factual structure.”

      “Ah, no rumors? Then I’m afraid we have nothing that isn’t at least a couple weeks old.”

      “Then humor me. I travel far enough that I could stand to use information that is months old.”

      The Conkeldurr chuckled to himself and shrugged in a lax manner.

      “Ha, I shoulda guessed from Ms. Wanderlust here! Now, the big thing that’s been going on here is that some noble family from a neighboring kingdom is visiting! Think it was the Ricardo family or something like that…”

      The Zoroark’s ears twitched in intrigue. The Ricardo family hardly ever left their realm unless it suited their personal interests, and it was always done in secrecy. There being public knowledge they were in another kingdom was very disconcerting.

      “Why are they here, and are there any rumors circulating about them?”

      “Ha, that get your interest? Supposedly, they’re training some of their own in foreign diplomacy by the orders of their king, in return for their kingdom teaching some of our guys in it! Now, as for the rumors...”

      The Zoroark pulled out a notepad and began scribbling down what she heard. While what the barkeeper was saying was by no means untrue, she had her own suspicions that wasn’t the only thing they were doing. Suddenly, the barkeeper changed his tone and glowered at some rowdy patrons.

      “Stop your fighting this instant, or else I’ll crack your skulls!”

      In annoyance over how she stopped obtaining, she turned to look at a Braixen feebly fighting against a Blastoise and Gumshoos.

      “You two,” said the Zoroark. “Leave.”

      “And why should we, cupcake?” exclaimed the Blastoise. “Are you gonna cry to the old geez-”

      The Blastoise found himself cut off by the Zoroark suddenly pressing a golden thorn up to his neck, eliciting the attention of his comrade and making both freeze up in response.

      “I’ll give you a choice. Either you two leave this bar and the patrons alone, or you’ll have to worry about learning how to breathe.”

      Clearly intimidated by her, the two pokemon fled the bar, those in their road shuffling to the side to avoid being ran over before returning to their places. Her eyes proceeded to boredly glance over the Braixen, whose choice of apparel, a white shirt that had significant effort pooled into its design, contrasted with the simple vests, hats, and scarves that commoners were doing here, and the lack of stick in his tail also distinguished him from other Braixen.

      “U-Um, thank you,” said the Braixen as he stood up on his own. “Well… I set out to be an adventurer, and decided to grab a bite to eat… next th-”

      “Nobody cares. Now, do you want to be an adventurer or not?”

      The Braixen was taken aback, as he had never encountered someone that cut other people off in such a rude manner. He blinked a couple times in confusion as he looked at the Zoroark, whose major defining traits were the satchel and khaki cuffs she was wearing.

      “I asked you a question.”

      “Err… yeah, I do.”

      “Good. You are one.”

      The Zoroark lazily chucked the golden thorn into the Braixen’s tail, the illusion on it fading away and revealing it to be nothing more than a common stick, and left the bar at her usual hurried pace. After taking numerous twists and turns, she arrived at a nearby forest with minimal undergrowth, and twitched her ears when she heard someone pursuing her.

      “Hey, wait up!”

      She soon found herself relaxing and groaning, as she recognized the voice to be the Braixen’s. Resting her face in her right hand, she proceeded to turn to face him as he ran towards her, noticing the stick had been discarded as well.

      “Why are you following me?”

      “Well, I don’t really know where to go, and you do, so-”

      “Look. I’m essentially an outcast that people only put up with because I solve problems and sell what I learn. I’ve seen just about everything there is to see, and boy, you aren’t gonna like it.”

      “So? It can’t be much worse than wasting away in a tower, or breaking a taboo to flee some kind of kidnapper or assassin.”

      The Zoroark was about to speak, only to halt herself as she realized the potential weight of the Braixen’s words. Nobody sent others to capture or kill mere servants unless they were important to a noble, and such nobles tended to keep said important servants close to them.

      “...Hmph… If you’re serious about this, then mind giving me a reason as to why I should let you accompany me, such as telling me anything that went on at the local castle before you… ahem, left?’”

      “Oh… I’ll be honest, I have no idea what was going on there… I mean, first off, my parents are called away to another land that only had directions describing how to get to there so nobody knows what it’s even called, then we get weird guests that apparently came from that place, and then a bunch of incidents began happening. They started out like mistakes, but looking back, something was definitely up. Then, people started getting sick, but only certain people. And then began the disappearances…”

      “Disappearances? How odd… Are you familiar with the Ricardo family?”

      “Who?”

      The Zoroark was completely baffled that someone who lived at the castle was unaware of who exactly its guests were, and how the secretive nature of the Ricardo family towards their hosts even extended towards their family name. Blinking a couple times, she shook her head to regain her bearings, before pulling out her notepad and transcribing what she just heard.

      “I see, White-shirt. If you need to call me anything, Zoroark or Khaki-cuffs works well enough.”

      “Erm, I see. Well, what are we waiting for…?”

      “Nothing, now.”

      The Zoroark proceeded to continue into the woods, forcing the Braixen to run after her in turn, heedless of what awaits for them in the future.
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        #3    
      Old December 2nd, 2017 (1:49 PM).
      Vragon
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        Interesting start. I have some things to say, but I'll do what you did and just put them in Spoilers just incase there's some overall purpose for that.


        Spoiler:
        Quote:
        Originally Posted by Fawful_X View Post
        Brushing himself off, he stood up and looked around him. Soon, he realized he was outside the castle… wait. He was outside the castle! He was free! He had escaped from a life of dull repetition and bureaucracy! Overwhelmed with joy at his liberation, he proceeded to run off in the hopes that he could find a town by nightfall.
        I do find the section fitting if he just left for just the sake of leaving. However, you said earlier that a mysterious person was asking him to come out so I would have at least wanted to see a sigh of relief from escaping this intruder and perhaps a little pondering about it, then this section. Else, what would the other thing add than someone coming after him? It would be no different if he had just gotten tired and just wanted to leave (which is a legitimate thing in your favor). So I'd recommend at least a little emphasis on who this person is or wants (though you did have a little of that in the initial planning). It would save this scene from being a bit of a waste in a way.

        I did enjoy the Dialogue between the conkuldurr and zoroark. You brought out your protagonist (or one of them) rather well and the bartender wasn't just there for discord or at least how you did it. I did kinda find the phrase,
        Quote:
        Originally Posted by Fawful_X View Post
        “I’ll give you a choice. Either you two leave this bar and the patrons alone, or you’ll have to worry about learning how to breathe.”
        to be rather weak since "learning how to breathe" isn't the same as "struggling to breath". I get what you were going for, it just felt a little less of what it could be to me.

        As for that I find the dynamic of the two mains to be a decent one. While there meeting was neat and the Braixen following his savior believable, it kinda just happens and "cool". I'm not saying it is bad, it honestly is pretty good by my standards if that at all is a legit way of judging. Though I do find the Braixen not as enthusiastic to go along considering how he wanted to and now is. I guess I would have liked to see more of their dynamic in this chapter if that makes sense, but you have your story so that should help build them later.


        All and all, it was enjoyable. I liked some attention to detail when there was and you have a good hinge for dialogue. I would say next chapter should bring out more of your characters and perhaps using more from the scenes you set up could be something interesting to think about.

        Anyways, this was good and I wish you well in your future works.
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          #4    
        Old December 5th, 2017 (4:05 PM).
        Fawful_X's Avatar
        Fawful_X Fawful_X is offline
        Monster-hunting Red Mage
           
          Join Date: Apr 2017
          Gender: Male
          Nature: Timid
          Posts: 50
          Vragon: Honestly, there's not really too much of a reason for me to put my fic in spoilers beyond personal convenience (namely, not having to scroll as far to get to comment X lol). That said, it does also provide a decent place for a chapter changelog if I ever need one on a chapter-by-chapter basis without extending my post much further, I guess.

          Chapter 2: Fortune's Justice, The Tower
          Spoiler:
          “So, where are you from?”

          “A far-off place, White-Shirt.”

          It was rather clear there was little chemistry between the Braixen and Zoroark, as evidenced by the awkward chatter between them as they walked through the woods. From appearances alone, the white shirt the Braixen wore contrasted greatly with the dingy cuffs the Zoroark had. These differences extended far past their presentation, however, and was made evident when they came across a weak-looking Gothita limping towards them.

          “The hell happened to you‽” asked the Zoroark. “You look like a Bastiodon ran you over!”

          Finding no empathy in the Zoroark’s words, the Gothita choked out some foreign words before collapsing and sobbing pitifully. Groaning, the Braixen shook his head.

          “That’s no way to talk to a child!”

          “Well, excuse me for acting the way I was taught to when faced with a kid.”

          “Ugh… Fine, I’ll handle this.”

          He proceeded to slowly and cautiously approach the young Gothita and gently tend to her in order to calm them down. After doing so, he proceeded to talk to her in a few different languages, before settling on one that the Zoroark was unable to understand. The two spoke for a while, and once they concluded their discussion, they both bid farewell as the Gothita ran as fast as she could back to the town the duo had departed from.

          “There’s bandits up ahead,” said the Braixen. “Said they ambushed and killed their parents at the fork in the road.”

          “And how did you discern that from gibberish?”

          “It was a different language, not gibberish… Anyway, you think those bandits might still be there?”

          “Probably. It shouldn’t be any harder to get past them than using illusions to turn invisible.”

          “What? Invisible?” exclaimed the Braixen, alarmed at the apparent violation of the magic taboo. “I can’t just break taboos whenever it suits me!”

          “And yet you said you broke a taboo earlier… And even then, would you break them in order to survive?”

          “Well, yeah… but at the same time, I couldn’t escape that situation any other way! I’m not just going to go around and willingly abuse magic to stay out of trouble!”

          “Pah, so that’s it…? Fine, if you really want to, I can just use you as bait.”

          “What did you say‽”

          “Nothing. We’re going to fight those bandits if we encounter them.”

          Feeling uncertain about what the Zoroark was saying, the Braixen proceeded to keep walking at a more wary pace. Upon arriving at the fork in the road, a Golisopod walked out in front of him from the undergrowth, soon followed by his Ledian cohorts.

          “Gwa ha ha!” laughed the Golisopod in a childish, mocking tone. “Look what came walking along; some poor noble all by his little lonely self! Gwa ha ha, such a riot!”

          “H-Hey, what’s so funny?” said the Braixen, his fur bristling as he soon realized that the Zoroark had somehow disappeared. “I mean, it’s just a pokemon walking a well-worn path, what’s so hilarious about something that happens every day?”

          “Ha, the funny thing is the amount of money you’ll be paying us! How about… we play a game? You guess my bounty, and that’s how much you’ll pay us, gwaha! Of course, if you guess even a single poke less, fail to cough up the dough, or think about trying anything stupid, then we’ll gut you!”

          “Well, how can I guess when I don’t really know you? For all I know, you could be just a petty criminal with a 500 poke bounty, or one so infamous to the point where any guess under the hundreds of thousands would be too little?”

          “Gwuh? How couldn't you have known about me, Gwarvish the Guesser!?”

          “Life in the castle is rather isolated compared to what happens out in the outside world,” said the Braixen, using the surprise he generated as a way to briefly smirk in a nervous fashion. “I mean, most news barely even reaches the gate! Now, since you have a title of some kind, I’ll assume you have a bounty of at least ten thousand, but may I have an idea on what you have done before so I can make a better guess?”

          An observer could practically see the cash signs in the eyes of the Golisopod, a clear sign his greed caused him to completely overlook the blatant flattery mixed with slight mockery directed at him. His lackeys were equally allured by the lucrative payday the Braixen seemed to offer, to the point they completely overlooked that one of their own was drifting behind their leader, something the Braixen didn’t overlook.

          “Gwa ha ha, a curious one? Why, me and my boys are among the most wanted felons in every kingdom on this continent for extortion!”

          “Ah, I see…” muttered the Braixen in a slow, thoughtful manner that originates from a desire to stall for more time to see what the unusual Ledian was planning. “Given that, you must be worth about two hundred thousand, at least… At the same time though, even the pettiest thieves would try and tell tall tales to make others more compliant towards their demands. But now, I have one last question.”

          “What?”

          “Is it worth you staying alive?”

          Before he had realized it, the Golisopod found a corsola spike being pressed against his throat by the “henchman” who had answered in place of the Braixen, who shed their disguise to reveal that it was the Zoroark.

          “One wrong move,” said the Zoroark. “And your best means of ‘gutting that noble’ is dead.”

          “W-What do you want‽” exclaimed the Golisopod.

          “Oh, nothing much. Just safe passage to Riverrend.”

          “What? No-Grrk!”

          The Golisopod winced as the Zoroark drove her weapon against him, well aware it wouldn’t take much more pressure to pierce his neck. Awkwardly, he proceeded to lead the way with the veteran adventurer clinging to his back. The Braixen followed behind him rather uneasily as the Ledian formed a protective circle around their leader, the traveller clinging to him, and the noble. Upon arriving at the outskirts, the Ledian broke formation and fled, leaving the Golisopod alone and outnumbered.

          “Now, I’d suggest running back into the woods with your friends,” said the Zoroark as she let go. “After all, I doubt you’d want to get into a fight where you’re clearly outnumbered, and where you could attract ‘unwanted attention’ at that.”

          As the Golisopod ran away, the Braixen crumpled to his knees and caught himself with his hands, the adrenaline from all the day’s events finally subsiding and making everything that has happened to him that day hit him in a gut with the full force of a battering ram.

          “What’s the matter, White-Shirt? We’ve hardly even did any fighting.”

          “Hardly? I could have been killed!”

          “Is that really it? If so, you’re on a fool’s journey.”

          “Do you even get the point I’m making? It’s that I can’t fight, and for all I knew you had left me for dead!”

          “But yet I came to your aid.”

          “Look, I’m not going to… to… deal with your muk! You never even told me what you were planning on doing, and I can’t just talk my way through everything!”

          “Are you so sure about that? Because if you were to ask me, you certainly wield the skill to… If you were to hone it, that is. Now come, I have business to attend to here… Or, you could go back home, and I don’t think your ‘friend’ will be willing to let you get out so easily, now that they know you’re using magic. You’re the one that wanted to come with me, too… Or was your judgement that messed up from wanting to fly from home?”

          The Braixen mumbled to himself about something on adventuring not seeming as fun given the bar fight he was thrust into earlier, and begrudgingly followed the Zoroark through town. True to its name, Riverrend was best known for the massive bridge that spanned the river, and connected both sides of the city… which was naught but a small portion of it thanks to most of the attractions and housing being on the bridge. The size of Riverrend’s bridge proved to be a source of great exhaustion to the uncanny pair, which was not helped by their relative lack of rest all day.

          “Gah… *pant* Are we… *huff* almost there…? *wheeze*”

          “Y-Yeh… Just *gasp* a little further…”

          The pair stumbled and wavered as they walked, eventually arriving at an inconspicuous tent ran by an Espeon. The Zoroark pulled out a small deck of cards and slammed it on the small table that separated the owner and the guests, before collapsing into a chair while the Braixen collapsed into the other.

          “Ah, I see the delivery was a success!” said the Espeon. “Jirachi decks are rare finds, given how many shams are out there.”

          “So I’ve heard…” muttered the Zoroark. “Anyway, we’re even. Now what do you want?”

          “Ah, nothing more than to tell both of your fortunes.”

          “Fortunes…?” muttered the Braixen tiredly. “Ergh, I’ll pass… Think that’s taboo, anyway…”

          “Oh, but I insist! There is nothing wrong with it, plus it will give time for both of you to relax, something that helps the stars more properly forecast what will happen, and will thusly provide a more accurate reading of what to expect from the future…”

          “Just let her do it,” said the Zoroark. “She won’t let you say no and’ll keep on going on and on about this… At least, I’m pretty sure it’s a she.”

          “...Fine, I’ll do it.”

          “Ah, wonderful!” said the Espeon. “Now, let us begin by each drawing a card from the deck. It will help the stars more accurately describe our fortune.”

          The Espeon proceeded to a card from a deck and reveal it to the pair that sat before it, the small tablet depicting a sprite whose form bore a striking resemblance to a star encircled by a wheel with red and white portions.

          “Jirachi,” explained the Espeon as it set the card back on the top of the pile. “The celestial envoy of luck, fate and opportunity, and the creator of this deck that foretells the future. Their mystic power shall guide us to a grander future, but only if we seize the opportunity to.”

          “Uh... Wouldn’t we just draw it agai-”

          The Braixen found himself gasping and grasping for words when the Zoroark drew a card depicting another one of her kind howling at the moon instead of the card that was just set on top of the deck.

          “This is me, right? If so, I assume it means something like illusions.”

          “Correct, the Zoroark is representative of illusions and fantasy, but also creativity and trickery. Now, may you draw a card, Braixen?”

          The Braixen continued to look on in amazement as the Zoroark set the card back on top of the deck, prompting her to sigh, grip the Braixen’s hand, and rest it on the deck.

          “Your draw, White-Shirt.”

          Reluctantly, the Braixen pulled a card and looked at the Bounsweet bouncing near a cliff depicted on it.

          “Uh, what does a... Bounsweet mean? That I’m... stumbling to my death or something..?”

          Clearly, what he said was wrong, given the agape mouth displayed by the Espeon and the raised eyebrows of the Zoroark. Sheepishly, he placed the card back on top of the deck in emulation of what has been done so far.

          “The Bounsweet is a rare card,” said the Espeon in slight surprise. “Those that draw it are fated to go on a journey that will change them or those they encounter...”

          As the Espeon spoke, it drew cards and set them down from left to right, the positioning of the cards seemingly sporadic despite the clear, calculating methodology behind it. Upon finishing, it pointed to the first card, an Azumarill lifting up a figure similar to a Pyroar that has been played with the bottom of the card facing the two pokemon before it.

          “The stars bring us ill omens. To begin, the peace that Azumarill presents is doomed to be shattered, and the virtues of those affected in turn. A being shrouded in an aura of mystery is apparently the driving force of this discord. If left unchecked, this entity shall throw the world into a war that shall destroy it. That is not to say that nobody will be able to resist them, however. Still, those that do will have untapped potential that is waiting to be unveiled.”

          As the Espeon spoke, it brought its paw from the card depicting an Azumarill to a Tyrantrum’s beside a Zoroark, a Bisharp’s beside an Absol, a Blissey’s beside an Arcanine, a Zygarde, and then a Braixen.

          “Now, my question is this. Do you have the patience to wait for your allies, or shall you seek them out?”

          The Espeon drew three more cards with one swipe and revealed them to its audience of two. Nestled inbetween a Braixen manipulating fire and an Aromatisse in deep thought was a Togetic wielding a bow and arrow, seemingly indecisive about whether to target a figure on its left or right. After doing so and holding them out for a bit, it returned all the cards back to the deck.

          “That, is a decision you must make, just like the decision to trust the accuracy of your fortune. Fare thee well.”

          After finishing writing down a brief outline of what was discussed, the Zoroark proceeded to get up. The Braixen had some more trouble standing from lingering exhaustion, and proceeded to collapse when he tried to take a step. With a heavy sigh, the Zoroark picked him up somewhat shakily and carried him.

          “Ugh, I don’t know what I’ll do with you, White-Shirt… I’m not even sure if we’re being followed or not by that weirdo he mentioned that tried to attack him… Hopefully we’ll get the drop on them if we are pursued...”

          If Zoroark hadn’t spoken to herself as she went to the inn, a Tailow that overheard them wouldn’t be causing the future death of an ally.
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            #5    
          Old December 13th, 2017 (3:44 PM).
          Cavespider_17's Avatar
          Cavespider_17 Cavespider_17 is offline
          Charlie
             
            Join Date: May 2017
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            Gender: Female
            Nature: Serious
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            Overall, so far I have found the story interesting. I have noted to you previously any grammatical mistakes I have found. There is an interesting collection of Cards. I cannot wait to see more in action. I like the running joke with the Espeon for sure. It will add some humour hopefully when darker times approach. :) Good job so far.
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              #6    
            Old January 25th, 2018 (5:25 PM).
            Fawful_X's Avatar
            Fawful_X Fawful_X is offline
            Monster-hunting Red Mage
               
              Join Date: Apr 2017
              Gender: Male
              Nature: Timid
              Posts: 50
              Chapter 3: The Moon and the Emperor's Chariot
              Spoiler:
              “Owner! I bring news!”

              A Tailow flew into a building as night turned to dawn, the room it found itself now in an alien mesh of anachronistic technology and seamless architecture. Even though it did seem rather homely, that did not change how the furniture was made of very simple geometries and a hard material in contrast to the roughly-cut wood and heavy metal that was found everywhere else, with even the most high-end of establishments having nothing like it. Of course, that was far from the most unusual thing there.

              “I’m busy. What makes your news so important?”

              The owner of the voice was a being in what could best described as a full suit of armor, much like what a guard would wear. Even ignoring the lack of sound made by the suit, their movements melded uncanny smoothness and jittery, lifeless motion that not even a living puppet could hope to achieve.

              “Well, if you have received any reports of a local nobleman Braixen disappearing when we attempted to capture him, I would like to report that he is now with the Seeker given what she said while leaving a fortune teller’s tent. I presume that she still has a use for him, given what you told me of her and those who deal with her.”

              “The Seeker… She must have delivered a package there. You did well, my pet… I figure I’ll have use for you later, but for now, you deserve rest.”

              The stranger proceeded to pick up a sphere and aim it at the Tailow, which obidently stood there as a beam of colored light struck and apparently vaporized it. After doing so, he walked through his fortress that was isolated from the prying eyes of commoners, soon arriving in a room where a few pokemon were tending to a small farm of sorts. The amount of food there was only sufficient to feed those who inhabited their home, raising questions on just how they obtained income to keep things in operation. Upon their unusual leader arriving, they all stopped their activities and bowed before him.

              “We have located where the Seeker is now, and a nobleman Braixen is with her. For all intents and purposes, we believe that he is willingly co-operating with her, and that she still has a use for him, likely for social situations. For all intents and purposes, we shall now reclassify both of them as ‘Seekers’ due to how we do not know their names. If we must refer to only the Zoroark, we shall call her ‘Acrobat.’ Likewise, if we are to refer to the Braixen by himself, we shall call him ‘Speaker.’”

              Upon announcing this, the stranger pointed at two pokemon, both of which clad in bizarre armor seemingly not of this world.

              “Hunter, investigate Riverrend’s fortune teller tents to find which one talked to the Seekers. It is very likely that the Acrobat has delivered a Jirachi deck to one and had her fortune told, which could compromise our security depending on its contents, and dissuade locals from investigating us further by going unarmored. Slayer, you are to either capture or eliminate the Seekers by any means necessary, and eliminate all witnesses upon doing so. As long as it does not reveal our presence as anything more than a rumor, both of you may use any methods or weaponry you see fit.”

              Upon the orders being given, the Ninjask known as “Hunter” got up and disappeared as it flew towards its destination, and the Gardevoir known as “Slayer” drew a tool that, while looking like a rapier, was evidently not given its smooth, cylindrical shape and the flat, disc-shaped surface that replaced the tip of the so-called blade.

              “I trust both of you will see your missions to completion. And remember, that Ricardo sends their regards.”

              AVAVAVAVA

              The Braixen stood on a tall platform, a crowd jeering at him from below in gibberish, potentially a language he did not properly understand. One figure proceeded to quiet the crowd, before saying something, likely a speech. After concluding it, they ignited the bottom of the platform, harsh smoke rising up and making his eyes tear up. The last thing he saw before his vision succumbed to the noxious, burning air and the raging inferno climbing the beacon he stood upon was a Zoroark with khaki cuffs. Her smirk was positively demonic in appearance as she threw the still-burning torch at him, and he felt certain she had lit the bonfire he stood upon.

              The Braixen gasped desperately for air when he woke up, still quivering from what he saw. He soon realized it was nothing more than a mere nightmare, but nonetheless the fear it generated was paralytic. Eventually calming himself down, the Braixen realized that he was in a two-bedroom room somewhere with the Zoroark, likely an inn she carried him to in hindsight.

              “Khaki-cuffs?”

              His words were met with the answer of a mumbling snooze, which directed him to focus more on his ally as he got up and approached her mumbling form.

              “Mrrgh… Night Daze…? What…? Zzz…”

              “HEY!”

              The Zoroark yelped in surprise and struck at him on reflex, her sharp claws being surprisingly ineffective and only lightly ripping the shirt’s fabric. Equally surprised by what he saw as an unwarranted retaliatory action, he proceeded to spew forth relatively ineffective flames in an Ember attack. His ally readied herself to stab him with a corsola spike after taking the weak counterattack, but stopped her arm when she realized what had happened.

              “The hell you think you’re doing‽” said the Zoroark. “You should know better than to wake up a fellow adventurer!”

              “How would I know you would attack me if I decided to get you up in the morning‽ You never even warned me you’d do anything like that!”

              “...Bah, this is nothing to get worked up over.”

              The Zoroark took a few deep breaths to mentally steady herself, the Braixen still remaining agitated over what amounted to nothing. After doing so, she pulled out a piece of paper that depicted a bracelet that bore imagery depicting a meadow in its glistening gem.

              “Moving on, I feel as if you need to be tested. Essentially, what we are after is the Meadow-Walker’s Bracer, which supposedly resides in a nearby tomb. All we need to do is get it if it’s there, and you’ll have passed.”

              “Wait, are you telling me that we’re going to be grave robbers‽ Are you out of your psyducking mind? I didn’t sign up for this!”

              “On the contrary, you’ve come along for the ride the moment you decided to group up with me. Even then, are you going to doubt what a tool that Jirachi made to forecast our future told us? Sure, the world won’t end tomorrow. Or the next day, or the day after that. But between the distant yet looming end and whoever wanted you dead or… somewhere else... Well, I don’t see how you would be able to sleep at night knowing that Espeon told us that fortune, and that you walked off on one of the few people that you could have helped to avert this.”

              “So? For all I know, it could end hundreds of years from now! We could even have hundreds, if not thousands of allies, and all we’d be doing is acting as recruiters!”

              The Zoroark gave the Braixen a grave look, before sighing in annoyance. Abruptly, however, her eyes lit up.

              “Have you ever heard of Guzzlord?”

              “A what?”

              “Imagine a Hydreigon mixed with a Swalot. Now…”

              She proceeded to draw a stick and handed it to the Braixen, who absentmindedly began chewing on it. The Zoroark proceeded to deliver a smirk, aware the Braixen had fallen into a trap that could get him onto her side with some slight encouragement.

              “Now, imagine that stick is a tree. If you do that, you’ll understand what a Guzzlord eats for a bite-sized snack.”

              “...Are you pulling my leg?”

              “Why should I? You and I both know that Jirachi decks exist, so species with mythical presences do exist. I believe your kind is just some spinoff of mine or the other way around, so what’s stopping there from being a bigger, badder Hydreigon that will eat an entire city for its daily meal? Or a Beedrill that spews a poison that seeps through your skin and… acts like… uh… mortar? Yeah, a poison so sticky it’s more effective than mortar, so you’re condemned to a slow and horrible death.”

              The Braixen stepped back in horror as he tried to process what he was being told. Sure, destructive forces existed, but something that could easily devour mass swathes of land in a day? How in the world could such a horrific demon exist‽ Unfortunately for him, the Zoroark could read his doubt.

              “If you take me for a fool, then I can show you what one looks like.”

              “What one looks like‽ No! NO! If there’s more than one of those… those things, then I’d much rather do whatever it takes to never see one in my life!”

              “Well, look no further, since I’m your best bet.”

              The Braixen took a few moments to process what he heard, before sighing anxiously. Like it or not, he felt like he was trying to pick from one of two bad outcomes.

              “...Fine, but don’t expect me to like it.”

              “Ah, good. I already made the preparations for what we’re doing, so we can go whenever you’re ready.”

              “Well, might as well get it over with sooner rather than later.”

              With their discussion concluding, the Zoroark proceeded to throw a simple satchel to the Braixen, who promptly browsed its contents. Inside, he found some basic first-aid supplies, a few bundles of sticks and cacnea spikes, a couple days’ worth of rations, and some sort of scarf.

              “It’s some basic tools you’ll want to make use of,” explained the Zoroark. “The scarf in there has some poison-diluting effect, I believe, but I got it more-so to act as a bandage if needed. I also got some sticks if you need some magic or something, but it’s up to you if you want to use them or not.”

              “Duly noted.”

              The two then left the inn, and then proceeded to leave Riverrend to head to the graveyard that the tomb containing the artifact resided in. After about an hour’s worth of walking that disproved the notion that it was nearby, both pokemon eventually arrived at a derelict gate that held a very prominent mausoleum behind it. When the Zoroark picked the lock, the gates collapsed into a pile of rusted metal rods with pointed ends that were originally meant to deter pokemon from climbing over it.

              “Well, I can certainly see where the budget cuts went.”

              “It’s more like people just… stopped coming here,” replied the Braixen somewhat warily. “I mean, look at all those graves… I may be a castle-boy or whatever you call nobles, but I’m fairly sure a graveyard shouldn’t have plants covering everything.”

              As if to prove his point, he gestured around to the several headstones that were covered in moss, and the vines snaking their way up the mausoleum. Even if nobody had came here for a while, there would be at least a gravekeeper to deal with the undergrowth to prevent things from getting unkempt.

              “Good observation… we should watch each other’s backs. Nobody simply stops tending to graves… unless something drove everyone off.”

              The pair of pokemon proceeded to warily approach the mausoleum, the oppressively lonely atmosphere keeping both of them tense. The simple rustling of leaves was enough to make the Zoroark draw a corsola spike in anticipation of an encounter, although none came. After what felt like an eternity, both of them reached the heavy stone doors of the tomb they sought. With some strenuous effort, they managed to push one of the slabs just enough so they could get inside the pitch-black confines of the crypt. In order to get some proper light, the Braixen took one of the sticks and ran it through his tail, igniting it in the process and illuminating the nine stone coffins in the first room they were in.

              “So… I guess now we just open up each coffin in each room in this place…?”

              “It shouldn’t be that easy, White-Shirt… I wouldn’t expect a mausoleum to have many traps, but if there are any, they’d probably relate to opening coffins. We should search for anything we can use to help us, first… like whatever that is on the wall over there.”

              At the Zoroark’s gesture, the Braixen swung his torch in the direction indicated, revealing text that he was capable of understanding. Curiously, he proceeded to approach it and look it over, soon realizing exactly what type of literature he was dealing with.

              “Hmm… This seems to be an ancient form of footprint calligraphy. It’s still used today as a form of coded message thanks to its archaic nature, mostly between diplomats and military generals from what I understand…”

              “So you can translate it?”

              “I was getting there! Yes, I can translate this text, but at the same time I’ll have to take some time doing so in order to make sure I’m not missing anything. It could tell us a clue for how to find the right coffin or something, so watch my back as I do it… I mean, we still don’t know if there’s anything lurking out there or not… or in here, for that matter.”

              With an affirmative nod, the Zoroark proceeded to look around the room they were in, taking in the dusty cobwebs and oppressive atmosphere. Her eyes soon drifted to the nearest coffins, which reflected some of the torchlight on the metal plaques they bore. Curiously, she investigated the plaques, but instead of finding anything that would identify the decaying corpse inside of it, she instead found numbers that she was able to identify as “1,” “4,” and “7” from left to right, with the rest logically being numbered in ascending order.

              “Ah, here we go,” said the Braixen after he finished deciphering the ancient language. “While it’s not a perfect translation, it is a hint… Ahem. ‘23 is number 1, while 486 is number 9. Figure what lies in the mist in between, and the path shall reveal itself.’ Or, in layman’s terms, we seem to need to figure out some equation for each row to reveal the right path.”

              The Braixen proceeded to bow his head in thought, unsure what exactly was being asked of him by the puzzle. The Zoroark was equally puzzled, until an idea came to her mind.

              “Hey, White-Shirt, you ever hear of a digital root?”

              “...What?”

              “Hmm… Guess not. Anyway, I think the hint is asking us to add up the number on each coffin, then add up the digits we get from that, and so on, until we’re left with a single number.”

              “Erm, I’m afraid I don’t follow…”

              “Okay, you said ‘486 is number 9’ while reading out the puzzle, right? Well, let’s use that as an example. First, we pretend that we are adding the 4, 8, and 6 as separate numbers, which gets us… four and eight is twelve, twelve and six is eighteen… Yeah, 18. Then, we do it again since we have two digits, which would leave us with 9. Since 9 plus nothing is 9, that’s why 486 is 9.”

              “Ah, I see… So if we add up all the coffin numbers, and then add up those numbers until we only have one number left, then that’s our coffin.”

              The two proceeded to do the math, and soon came to the conclusion that the coffin they were looking for was number nine. Still, something bothered the Braixen, and he realized it just as the Zoroark began pushing the coffin lid off.

              “Wait… ‘23 is number 1…’ ZOROARK, STOP!”

              Unfortunately, his warning came too late to prevent her from uncovering the lid. Still, without his exclamation, she would not have dodged a spear trap that would have easily impaled her had she reacted any later. Nonetheless, a deep, groaning sound rumbled from beneath them, as if they had disturbed some evil entity. After some time, as if it needed to wake up, it spoke in a booming, ear-catching voice that caused some pebbles to dislodge from the ceiling.

              “PURSUERS OF THE SEALED TREASURE… YOU WERE LUCKY TO EVADE INJURY. NEXT TIME, HOWEVER, YOU WILL SUFFER. FAIL TO FIND THE RIGHT PATH ONCE MORE BEYOND THAT, AND BOTH OF YOU SHALL PAY THE ULTIMATE PRICE.”

              The groaning noise rang out again, as if the source were falling asleep, leaving both adventurers shaken from what they have heard. Even the Zoroark, who has seen many a sight in the world and gotten into just as many conflicts before, found herself growing anxious.

              “...Okay, so I’d guess we have two more chances before we die,” said the Braixen in a tense manner. “Erm, anyway, what I was going to say was that ‘486 is number 9’ was the clue to ‘23 is number 1…’ but still, how are we supposed to figure out whether it’s 5 or 6, assuming my math isn’t off?”

              “...Hold on, you said 23 is number 1, right? Well, what if Coffin 5 is actually 1? So that means… six is two, seven is three-”

              “The right coffin is 4, if that’s what you’re getting at… You sure about it? I mean, we haven’t really seen anyone, and honestly, that floor ghost sounds pretty convincing…”

              “Look, White-Shirt, sometimes you’ll have to make tough calls. Sure, not all of them are going to be life-or-death decisions like this, but consider this a learning experience… It’s just that it’s ‘swim or die’ with a very loose safety net. Anyway, take your pick and I’ll move it.”

              “That’s hardly reassuring… I guess we’ll try 4 and hope for the best.”

              The Zoroark proceeded to push the lid off of the coffin it lay upon. Agonizing second after agonizing second passed as anxiety steadily built up. After what felt like half an hour, a dull thud echoed throughout the mausoleum.

              Judging by how the Zoroark wasn’t skewered and how there was a staircase leading down hidden inside it, the fourth coffin was indeed the right choice, though there was a definite feeling they had merely had a stroke of luck. While they had indeed chosen the right path, that didn’t dispel any tension that hung in the air. After all, there was still the matter of the mysterious voice and just who - or what - that owned it.

              “You first, White-Shirt. This is your test.”

              Just as the Braixen was about to lead the way, he found himself hesitating as something caught his eye where the spear trap was, which raised his suspicions greatly and made him step back.

              “Those spears in that trap you unveiled… are they made of rock?”

              “Maybe, maybe not. Why do care, anyway?”

              “Correct me if I’m wrong, but aren’t there moves that lay traps that activate if a pokemon gets near enough?”

              “Well, duh, they’re fairly common in certain tourneys from what I’ve seen. You’ve these caltrop things, poisonous thorns, floating rocks, and ensnaring string-”

              “Do the rocks have a definite shape?”

              “No, but as far as I know they can be altered somewhat. So I assume you want me to go on ahead based on that?”

              “What else would you expect me to do? Blindly lead the way, well aware I could find my fire sac ruptured by a damned rock spear and resulting in my body literally incinerating itself‽ Even then, you said that this is a test for me, but nothing about being able to use you as a tool, either! Didn’t you push the coffin lids, anyway?”

              The Zoroark blinked some, not really able to come up with anything to refute his points. She opened her mouth a couple times as if she was grasping for words, only to chuckle somewhat nervously, sigh, and grin while shaking her head.

              “...Hah, I guess you got me there. You could have just said ‘ladies first,’ but whatever works for you.”

              The pair proceeded down the stairwell, which due to being built with the concept of a coffin completely concealing it, was uncomfortably narrow. This only made the claustrophobic sensations brought about by the stagnant air of the deeper section of the crypt only more intense. After approximately 186 steps, the pair found themselves reaching a dead-end room. While there was no other obvious exits beyond one that a large statue crafted from obsidian stood in front of, the extravagantly-crafted pillars and the chiseled murals that lined the walls indicated that this was the resting place of an important figure… and the bones that covered portions of the floor indicated they weren’t the first ones to come down here.

              “We should be careful,” said the Zoroark. “You never know what kind of traps might-”

              She was cut off by the sound of a large stone slab falling behind them, trapping them in the room. She looked at the Braixen, then at her own foot as she realized she had unintentionally triggered a pressure plate that closed the door behind them. After shrugging, both pokemon found their attention directed to the statue, a rumbling voice emanating from it that sounded similar to the one they heard earlier.

              “PURSUERS OF THE SEALED TREASURE… ONLY THOSE WITH CONVICTION MAY SEEK AN AUDIENCE WITH THE MEADOW-WALKER. IF YOU SHALL SURVIVE THIS ENCOUNTER, THEN YOU MAY PROCEED.”

              After speaking, an electric phantom of some kind sparked out of the pressure plate, and swiftly arced from stone to stone as if it was electricity bouncing from node to node as it went to the statue. The Zoroark went forwards as if to stop it, only to back off as it entered the monument and made it come to life.

              “DESTROY ME, AN AVATAR OF NECROZMA, OR WELCOME THIS FORBIDDEN CRYPT AS YOUR GRAVE!”

              At the possessed Golem’s words, the Zoroark drew two corsola spikes, while the Braixen waved the torch in front of him with uncertainty.

              “White-Shirt!” exclaimed the Zoroark. “This thing is a Rotom! If you have anything good against ghosts or rocks, now’s the time to use it-Wagh!”

              The Zoroark barely dodged a crushing blow by the golem, which was much faster than its lumbering appearance suggested. As it readied to swing at her again, embers collided against its rocky body. In annoyance, it proceeded to turn towards the Braixen, who had done excessively little to it.

              “...Muk.”

              “FOOL. DO YOU EARNESTLY BELIEVE THAT IS ENOUGH?”

              Before he was able to react, the golem grabbed the Braixen and glared as best as a stone statue could. As it reared back to crush his skull in a Head Smash, the automatous sculpture found itself dropping its would-be victim and glaring at the Zoroark, who had jammed a bone into a crack and was attempting to use leverage to cripple it. In agitation, it raised an arm crackling with electricity and fired off a Signal Beam. The room was filled with her pained scream as she was sent into one of the pillars, some rubble raining from the ceiling after she apparently fell unconscious.

              “A NOBLE ATTEMPT TO SAVE YOUR LIFE. A PITY IT WAS IN VAIN.”

              The golem proceeded to stomp at the Braixen, who barely rolled away as it crushed the torch into burning splinters. In a complete panic, he grabbed the femur of a deceased challenger and ran it through his tail to ignite it, the flames taking on an unusual blue hue. Clearly unamused, the golem crackled with electricity as it pointed its arm at the Braixen.

              “DIE.”

              The Braixen found himself hesitating. Despite being in a life-or-death situation, the thought of violating the magic taboo hung heavily in his thoughts. He was swiftly brought back to reality, however, when the golem was forced to cancel its Thunder and deal with the Zoroark when she abruptly threw one of the bones that littered the ground in a Fling, which was less effective than she expected it to be.

              “White-Shirt, shoot it now!”

              “DO YOU THINK A PATHETIC WARRIOR WILL SAVE YOU, ZOROAR-RRRRRRGH!”

              The golem stumbled as a blue beam of chilled energy shot out and froze its dominant arm, it shattering from the attack. Everyone was visibly surprised at the Ice Beam, especially the Braixen despite casting the attack himself.

              “Holy… The hell was tha- Gyaaah!”

              The Braixen found himself cut off as a Thunderbolt emanating from the golem’s other arm tore through the femur bone he wielded and his white shirt, and blasted him in the chest, his fur literally burnt off where he was struck. Further compounding the issue was the paralysis he experienced in the right side of his body, hindering his ability to fight back in turn.

              “PARLOR TRICKS WILL ONLY GET YOU SO FAR. NOW, ZOROARK, SURRENDER AND MEET YOUR MAKER.”

              “Pah, why would I want to meet an old coot I don’t even know now? If you insist, though, I’ll let you throw in a couple free punches.”

              Unaware of the Zoroark’s bluff behind her Taunt, the golem took a couple steps to try and attack her… only to trip over a rope that she had tied between two pillars, the end of which in her offhand so she could cover it in illusionary invisibility that was lifted as soon as the stone monster fell over it. Its own weight proceeded to work against it, as the fall caused its upper body to shatter into pieces. Despite this issue, it somehow managed to get back onto its mostly-intact legs.

              “AS LONG AS I CAN MANIPULATE THIS BODY OF STONE, YOU HAVE NOT BESTED ME YET.”

              “Grrk… I don’t think so… Telekinesis!”

              The Braixen had managed to overcome his paralysis enough to draw a stick out of his bag while the golem was distracted with the Zoroark, and lit it as he spoke. After doing so, he threw his tool at his foe, lifting them up into the air once it collided with them.

              “I FAIL TO SEE HOW YOUR ATTACK IS RELEVANT.”

              “Gah… It’s not me attacking… What goes up comes down, right…?”

              “WHAT‽”

              What remained of the golem fruitlessly kicked the air as it was lifted up to the ceiling of the room, before the Telekinesis unceremoniously ended and it plummeted straight to the ground. The legs were completely pulverized by the fall, leaving nothing left of the golem that was able to continue fighting them. Tense seconds passed, before a series of blue sparks rose out of the rubble and revealed itself to be a Rotom.

              “YOU HAVE BESTED ME…” muttered the Rotom in defeat, its voice still far louder and deeper than its diminutive appearance would ever suggest. “PROCEED, AND CLAIM THE TREASURE.”

              The plasma-based pokemon proceeded to jump into the door that it was guarding, a clicking sound echoing out before it reappeared, apparently unlocking some mechanism that prevented it from opening.

              “ENTER, AND CLAIM YOUR REWARD. A SECRET PASSAGE WILL LEAD YOU OUT. AS FOR ME… MY DUTY LIES ELSEWHERE, NOW.”

              After saying this, the Rotom left for parts unknown. Both pokemon there merely shrugged as best they could, before tending to their injuries. After applying a simple paste made out of Oran and Cheri berries, both of them continued to the next room, where a single coffin covered in moss lay. It was somewhat hard to believe that foliage could grow down in the murky depths of the crypt, but more importantly was how it seemed to be the correct grave. After they had opened it, they were greeted with the bones of a human, a bracer clasped around where its wrist would be.

              “W-What‽” muttered the Zoroark. “A human‽ What’s it doing here‽”

              “Beats me,” replied the Braixen in a passive, tired tone as exhaustion gripped his weakened body. “Maybe they came in from across the sea, given that humans aren’t native here, but are across the sea? Or it could be someone brought in from another world like those stories go…”

              As the Braixen spoke, he reached into the coffin to pick up the bracer. When he gripped it, however, he found the world around him spinning around in a horrific mess of colors as his senses dulled. The Zoroark called out to him, but was only met with a lifeless gaze.

              “F e h n… r i s…”

              After sputtering out a name, everything he saw melded into a uniform black before he lost consciousness, his own body unable to keep up with its own demands.
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                #7    
              Old January 25th, 2018 (5:47 PM).
              Cavespider_17's Avatar
              Cavespider_17 Cavespider_17 is offline
              Charlie
                 
                Join Date: May 2017
                Location: U.K or D.K depending on where you politically stand.
                Gender: Female
                Nature: Serious
                Posts: 60
                Quote:
                Originally Posted by Fawful_X View Post
                Chapter 3: The Moon and the Emperor's Chariot
                “Owner! I bring news!”
                I assume this is Tailow saying this, if so add the two paragraphs together, elsewise no one knows who is speaking.

                Quote:
                Originally Posted by Fawful_X View Post
                Chapter 3: The Moon and the Emperor's Chariot
                “I’m busy. What makes your news so important?”
                Again, you need to specify who is talking here. (I assume it’s in the next paragraph, but can be lost in transition.)
                Quote:
                Originally Posted by Fawful_X View Post
                Chapter 3: The Moon and the Emperor's Chariot
                obidently
                Small spelling mistake “obediently”
                Quote:
                Originally Posted by Fawful_X View Post
                Chapter 3: The Moon and the Emperor's Chariot
                AVAVAVAVA
                I’m not sure what this is.

                Quote:
                Originally Posted by Fawful_X View Post
                Chapter 3: The Moon and the Emperor's Chariot
                psyducking
                Made me laugh a little.

                Quote:
                Originally Posted by Fawful_X View Post
                Chapter 3: The Moon and the Emperor's Chariot
                Came here for a
                Should be “come here” as the sentence reflects an alternative present.


                Summary:
                1) Overall, I did enjoy the development of these characters, (in particular Zoroak) in this chapter. It was nicely done.
                2) I like the use of underused Pokémon, such as Alohlan Golem. It’s nice to see them getting a mention rather than buried amongst the likes of the more ‘popular’ ones.
                3) Remember, new speaker needs to be introduced as such. Elsewise it harms the flow of what’s going on and can make things harder to follow.
                I enjoyed this chapter quite a lot.
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