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Old March 11th, 2013 (9:38 AM). Edited March 11th, 2013 by Ravenyte.
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Ravenyte Ravenyte is offline
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    Foresee my Dreams

    Hello! This is Ravenyte, a new user to PokeCommunity. I've been planning this fanfiction for a while. It's not the most original in the world but I enjoy writing as a hobby, and I hope you have as much fun reading my fanfic as much as I had had writing it. The rating I guess will be Universal? Maybe some underlying themes but it's pretty lighthearted I suppose.

    Chapter 1 - The dew on the grass

    The world of Pokemon housed many dreams. Some of adventure, some of happiness, some of competition, and some of ultimate domination. These dreams spread throughout the five major regions of the Pokemon world, from Kanto to Unova. But one particular girl from Sinnoh had a dream which was common throughout most 10 year olds, a dream to go on an adventure.

    The girl, (who was called Mina) had just finished another school day in Jubilife's school for Minors ages 4 to 10, on her 10th birthday. The big double digits. She hurried home from school, running to the bus stop which would take her back home. It was an especially cold day, like any other Sinnoh February day and she recalled it snowing earlier on. To counter Sinnoh's cold attack, she wore a dark blue beanie on her head, covering some of her long brown hair which was left to hang loose. She also wore a dark blue pullover, a red skirt and black tights. Supposedly, the news reported said it was supposed to get warmer from now on, but they also predicted a swarm ofBidoof to come parading through the city. And she certainly didn't recall that happening.

    Her mother met her from her Bus stop as she always did, to walk her home. Mina gave her rucksack to her, which was surprisingly light, and her mother handed her a new bag. It was a pale red to match her skirt and shoes. She immediately put it on, excited.

    "Happy birthday, honey." Her mother said to her and smiled.

    "Thank you so much, mom!" she squealed, squeezing her mother in delight who hugged her back. "I didn't get any homework today since it was my birthday."

    "That's great to hear, Mina. Since we won't be going home today. We're going to Sandgem town."

    She replied with a wink. Now, if it wasn't for her mother asking her what her favourite Pokemon type was frequently for the last few days, Mina would've been completely oblivious to what they were going to Sandgem town for. But she wasn't oblivious and knew exactly where they were going - to Professor Rowan's lab. Professor Rowan was the man who handed out the rarest Pokemon in Sinnoh to two trainers, Lucas and Dawn, who became champion and top co-ordinator in Sinnoh respectively five years ago. She hoped for a rare Pokemon too. Maybe it would be Turtwig - she loved grass Pokemon dearly. Although a Piplup would be nice too... but definately not a Chimchar. Monkies were a little too lively for her.

    After about ten minutes of walking they arrived in the quiet town of Sandgem, and Mina's mother asked her to close her eyes. She was led a few steps and when she was asked to open her eyes she was front of the famous Rowan Pokemon lab. Her eyes glittered with excitement.

    "Oh, mom, thank you thank you THANK YOU!" She cried, jumping up and down.

    Soon enough Prof Rowan came of of the lab and asked Mina and her mother to come in. The lab was fairly big with odd machines and several scientists counting berries and prodding varios Pokemon with sticks. Mina wasn't fazed by any of this scientific nonsense: she just wanted her Pokemon.

    "Hm! Do you like Pokemon?" Bellowed Prof Rowan. Mina nodded her head vigorously.

    "Yes, of course!"

    "I will ask you again, do you like Pokemon?"

    Mina was confused. was her first answer not enough?

    "Yes, yes yes yes yes! I'll always say the same thing, I like Pokemon! In fact, I love Pokemon."

    "Very well." Professor Rowan grunted and went towards his desk to retrieve a Pokeball. Mina's mother nudged her. "Your mother is a close friend of mine, and she has told me all about your favourite type of Pokemon. I hope this one is to your liking."

    Mina took the Pokeball with a shaking hand. This was it, wasn't it? Whenever she'd see a trainer and lock eyes before, it would've meant nothing. But now, she had to battle them. She would become a hero, not a civilian. She could enter tall grass on her own and send out her very own Pokemon to defend herself. Without any more hesitation, she pressed the button on the Pokeball and allowed her new friend to emerge. She tried to make out in the red glow what it could be. It wasn't a Turtwig... but it could be a Piplup? A very seed shaped Piplup... unless...

    A small Budew emerged from the red glow, looking up and addressing its surrounding. Mina was taken aback and her mother looked a little bit shocked and disappointed.

    "We didn't have any rare Pokemon in our lab. This Budew will have to do. Do you like it?" Rowan asked. Mina stood there and stared at the Budew, who was wandering around in circles. It looked back up at her an smiled. It wasn't a rare Pokemon. It was probably the most common grass type.

    "Honey?" Her mother said. "I'm sorry Rowan, I don't think she likes this Pokemon. Could you perhaps change it?"

    But at that very moment, Mina picked up the Budew and held it close to her face. It made a high pitched noise which sounded like a giggle and used its tiny tongue to lick her face.

    "No. I love it!" She cried, hugging the Budew. The bud at the top of its head opened, revealing two spores of red and blue, and closed again. It made the giggling noise again.

    "I thought so." Rowan said in such a way that made him usher a smile, which made both Mina and her mother double take. "Would you like to give her a nickname? Yes, she's a girl."

    Mina stared into her new partner's black eyes. she thought for a moment and then spoke.
    "Heart. I want to name her Heart."

    please tell me what you think :>
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    Old March 13th, 2013 (5:32 AM).
    bobandbill's Avatar
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    Welcome to the forums, Ravenyte!

    Neat start with the story there. =) More sense of what the characters are like compared to many of the first chapters of general 'new trainer' fics out there. The moment of Mina accepting the Budew was particularly cute. =) Her excitement for getting a new Pokemon was clear too and helped lead up to that moment I thought, and so it worked well.

    The description was nice too. It gave a good idea of what she looked like, although I'll maintain that the bit with Budew still wins out thus far. I'm a bit of a sucker for cute pokemon like that. =p

    And I also laughed at the mention of the Bidoof swarm as well. Nice joke there!

    Something to look out for are a few grammar mistakes. Small things like missing a space around 'bidoof' can also distract a bit from the story as well, so try a proofread to catch those sort of errors. A few things I'll point out specifically:
    But one particular girl from Sinnoh had a dream which was common throughout most 10 year olds, a dream to go on an adventure.
    Generally numbers smaller than 100 should be written out with letters, so ten rather than 10.
    The girl, (who was called Mina)
    It is better to include such facts without using brackets, as it can disrupt the flow of the story. In other words, it can sound like the narrator is pausing the story to tell us something, which is a form of 'breaking the fourth wall' (directly addressing the audience). It can work, but I don't think is serves any special purpose here.
    Her mother met her from her Bus stop as she always did, to walk her home.
    A bus (or bus stop) isn't a proper noun so there's no need to capitalise it.
    "Happy birthday, honey." Her mother said to her and smiled.
    Your punctuation around dialogue was a bit inconsistent, but at any rate... only use a full stop in dialogue if the sentence ends there. Furthermore, if what follows the dialogue 'flows on' so to speak (ie continues the sentence, e.g. by telling us who said the dialogue/how it was said) then treat the whole part as a sentence rather than two, and so go without the full stop or the capitalised Her. In other words:
    "Happy birthday, honey," her mother said to her and smiled.
    is how you want it. Another way to go about it is to read the part following the dialogue by itself. Does it sound like it could be a sentence all by itself? If not (and here 'Her mother said to her and smiled' doesn't quite sound right by itself as its own sentence) then don't treat it as its own sentence.

    This is a potentially confusing part of English, so if you would like more examples on that then ask. For the sake of it:
    "Hm! Do you like Pokemon?" Bellowed Prof Rowan. Mina nodded her head vigorously.
    'bellowed', because 'Bellowed Prof Rowan' doesn't sound right as its own sentence. Even if it is an imo apt way to describe how he talks. =p (On a very last note, Professor may be better to use; save the more casual Prof for dialogue).

    Nothing too hard to fix though! Good luck with the rest of your story; do post more!
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