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Pokémon The ones pulling the strings

Started by lilyocean June 24th, 2019 7:38 AM
  • 4129 views
  • 10 replies
Age 16
Female
Charleston, SC
Seen 2 Weeks Ago
Posted August 15th, 2019
13 posts
3.6 Years
Prologue
In the end; I didn't want it to end up like this. Freezing to death in the high atmosphere. Suffocating on the thin layer of oxygen that was supplied. Just standing there, waiting on someone who ‘could’ show up. Though I knew the ‘real’ real reason I was put up there. My thoughts didn't dare think it. But, were these ghastly thoughts mine? Was I still in there; that naive brain of mine? Or did I end up like the others. Waiting for a single person, to come by and forget. Lost to the real danger, of those who pull the strings.

Chapter 1
I woke up to hear the cries of the hoothoots singing to the moon. The Noctowls, sitting there waiting for a Rattata or two, to gain from. As I laid there lazily, I wondered to myself if Mom was sleeping on the couch again. Since Dad left, she’s been acting strange. More needy, if i had to say. As my thoughts started to disperse. So did my consciousness, as I faded back into a deep sleep.

The next morning Mom was standing above me, staring intensely. I woke up and jumped to the other side of the bed, startled. Mom explained that it was half-past noon and the neighbor with her Marill wanted to see me. Probably to nag me about getting a pokemon again.

As Mom went back downstairs to her habitat of a living room, I got dressed and put on Dad’s old black and yellow crested hat. I checked my emails really quick, and there they were. The seventy three emails to get my butt out of bed and to get a pokemon.

Suddenly a wave of pain overcame me, as I fell onto the ground. I saw something as my hands clutched my aching head. I jammed my eyes shut tried breathing slowly to ease the pain. As it slowly became more bearable, I opened my eyes to see nothing but snow falling onto a grey surface. Grey was everywhere else too like I was in a box. A voice rang out in this box like place calling for someone. Were they calling for me?

I turned to see another person with dark brown hair, almost black. He stared at me with his deep auburn eyes, as if looking deep into my soul. Suddenly an egg appeared out of then air into his two hand as he shoved it into my arms. And like that, just as suddenly as it started, the pain melted away.

I awoke once again as if that were all a dream. I was still sitting in front of my P.C. I looked around to make sure I was back, and there next to me was a light yellow pokemon egg. There was a loud knock on the door as Mom yelled at me to get down there. I grabbed the egg, bundled it with my bed sheets, put underneath my bed and ran downstairs

Bay

Darkinium Z

Female
Dani California
Seen 8 Hours Ago
Posted 8 Hours Ago
5,746 posts
13.4 Years
Hi there, and welcome to the fanfic forums! All right, in the rules usually there's a recommendation to have your chapters be at least a couple pages/around 1,000 words. However, that's more of a recommendation more than anything so don't worry too much if your chapters are slightly on the short side.

While I'm here, I feel you can set up a bit more there. Apparently, the narrator is on top of a mountain, but I want more! Is it morning, afternoon, or night? Is there a snowstorm or the air just became chillier? Why did the narrator come to the top in the first place?

I'm not sure where this story is going, but I do wish you luck on it!

Foul Play
[Chapter Nine up!]
Age 16
Female
Charleston, SC
Seen 2 Weeks Ago
Posted August 15th, 2019
13 posts
3.6 Years
Hi there, and welcome to the fanfic forums! All right, in the rules usually there's a recommendation to have your chapters be at least a couple pages/around 1,000 words. However, that's more of a recommendation more than anything so don't worry too much if your chapters are slightly on the short side.

While I'm here, I feel you can set up a bit more there. Apparently, the narrator is on top of a mountain, but I want more! Is it morning, afternoon, or night? Is there a snowstorm or the air just became chillier? Why did the narrator come to the top in the first place?

I'm not sure where this story is going, but I do wish you luck on it!
Thank you for the feedback! Truth be told this is more of a hint to what the rest of the story will unfold. My ultimate goal for this story is to be more mysterious, with lots of twists and surprises! I'm still currently adjusting the line of too little information and too much. Hope this series gets to where it needs to go!

Vragon2.0

Say it with me (Vray-gun)

Male
As if I'd be one to say
Seen 1 Day Ago
Posted 3 Weeks Ago
281 posts
1.6 Years
So already we've stumbled into a case of a strange imagery; Our main I assume floating in atmosphere with some pretty troubling thoughts. Now, since you say this is to hint at your story's plot and stuff and dare I say I love that sort of thing I'mma take a gander at your wording here and see if I can draw a conclusion at the end of this, but first.

Prologue
In the end; I didn't want it to end up like this. Freezing to death in the high atmosphere. Suffocating on the thin layer of oxygen that was supplied. Just standing there, waiting on someone who ‘could’ show up. Though I knew the ‘real’ real reason I was put up there. My thoughts didn't dare think it. But, were these ghastly thoughts mine? Was I still in there; that naive brain of mine? Or did I end up like the others. Waiting for a single person, to come by and forget. Lost to the real danger, of those who pull the strings.
Minor nitpick but since he's freezing in the high atmosphere I would assume he's floating rather than standing on something. I think it'd be a better word choice for this unless he is standing on something, in which case elaborating on it would be good.

Something curious about this is the thoughts you convey that he's having and soon starts to question leads me to hypothesize that this could be related to this string things. If I could take a shot in the dark, this isn't so much of him actually being there as much as it indicates a "state". In the chapter you have him in the cold when the egg appears so perhaps this "string factor" is shown through these vision like experiences with the cold being a "recognizable trait" as if you're slowly freezing and losing yourself to the control.

Of course, that's just a guess, but if I could make a judge on our main character I would say they're already on the path of this string even if this character isn't entirely controlled or tied to it yet.

With speculation out of the way,
Chapter 1
I woke up to hear the cries of the hoothoots singing to the moon. The Noctowls, sitting there waiting for a Rattata or two, to gain from. As I laid there lazily, I wondered to myself if Mom was sleeping on the couch again. Since Dad left, she’s been acting strange. More needy, if i had to say. As my thoughts started to disperse. So did my consciousness, as I faded back into a deep sleep.
I will have to admit, this starting part kind of doesn't warrent its welcome. Now, while you do use it to convey the dad isn't there and the mom's disposition this is something you could have done during the waking up that wouldn't be such a short scene that then transitions. Like, unless there's something else to be attained from this sleeping part that couldn't really be touched on in the morning, why not have it in the morning?

You could do the same thoughts on the dad and mom's behavior when she comes to wake him up. Her sleeping on the couch could be a guess by her rather rough appearance and lack of a nice soft thing to lay herself on, yah know.

One correction to give yah, though.
"... if I had"

The next morning Mom was standing above me, staring intensely. I woke up and jumped to the other side of the bed, startled. Mom explained that it was half-past noon and the neighbor with her Marill wanted to see me. Probably to nag me about getting a pokemon again.
Hmm, so I'm guessing for now you won't be having dialogue specific and more description writing, which I admit is something I'm not used to but can manage. I'm curious if this will be how the story stays or if it will include direct dialogue.

As Mom went back downstairs to her habitat of a living room, I got dressed and put on Dad’s old black and yellow crested hat. I checked my emails really quick, and there they were. The seventy three emails to get my butt out of bed and to get a pokemon.
Wonder who these peeps are that keep insisting he gets a pokemon. Friends or others, not too important but some food for thought, I guess.

But now we get to the good part,
Suddenly a wave of pain overcame me, as I fell onto the ground. I saw something as my hands clutched my aching head. I jammed my eyes shut tried breathing slowly to ease the pain. As it slowly became more bearable, I opened my eyes to see nothing but snow falling onto a grey surface. Grey was everywhere else too like I was in a box. A voice rang out in this box like place calling for someone. Were they calling for me?

I turned to see another person with dark brown hair, almost black. He stared at me with his deep auburn eyes, as if looking deep into my soul. Suddenly an egg appeared out of then air into his two hand as he shoved it into my arms. And like that, just as suddenly as it started, the pain melted away.

I awoke once again as if that were all a dream. I was still sitting in front of my P.C. I looked around to make sure I was back, and there next to me was a light yellow pokemon egg. There was a loud knock on the door as Mom yelled at me to get down there. I grabbed the egg, bundled it with my bed sheets, put underneath my bed and ran downstairs
One little correction before we begin: "... his two hands ..."

Hmm, so from this we have so far it seems that this world of "grey" and all that is linked to the real one or can at least send things to the real world, as shown by the egg and all. This leads me to wonder about this figure that gives the egg (a description of his clothes would have been nice but eh, guess it can't be that easy). As for the egg, bright yellow makes me think it's gonna be a Pichu and that Pichu is related to things.

Overall, this was a nice little start, though I will say it left me wanting more description and detail since you are setting up this as hinting to the plot of the story. Something of note as well is that we don't get a name for our dear protagonist. I wonder if that will have any significance or is just a case of not putting one in, heh.

In Summary, attention grabbed, now let's see where you go with this.

“A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you just the way you are.”
– Unknown
Age 16
Female
Charleston, SC
Seen 2 Weeks Ago
Posted August 15th, 2019
13 posts
3.6 Years
So already we've stumbled into a case of a strange imagery; Our main I assume floating in atmosphere with some pretty troubling thoughts. Now, since you say this is to hint at your story's plot and stuff and dare I say I love that sort of thing I'mma take a gander at your wording here and see if I can draw a conclusion at the end of this, but first.



Minor nitpick but since he's freezing in the high atmosphere I would assume he's floating rather than standing on something. I think it'd be a better word choice for this unless he is standing on something, in which case elaborating on it would be good.

Something curious about this is the thoughts you convey that he's having and soon starts to question leads me to hypothesize that this could be related to this string things. If I could take a shot in the dark, this isn't so much of him actually being there as much as it indicates a "state". In the chapter you have him in the cold when the egg appears so perhaps this "string factor" is shown through these vision like experiences with the cold being a "recognizable trait" as if you're slowly freezing and losing yourself to the control.

Of course, that's just a guess, but if I could make a judge on our main character I would say they're already on the path of this string even if this character isn't entirely controlled or tied to it yet.

With speculation out of the way,

I will have to admit, this starting part kind of doesn't warrent its welcome. Now, while you do use it to convey the dad isn't there and the mom's disposition this is something you could have done during the waking up that wouldn't be such a short scene that then transitions. Like, unless there's something else to be attained from this sleeping part that couldn't really be touched on in the morning, why not have it in the morning?

You could do the same thoughts on the dad and mom's behavior when she comes to wake him up. Her sleeping on the couch could be a guess by her rather rough appearance and lack of a nice soft thing to lay herself on, yah know.

One correction to give yah, though.
"... if I had"



Hmm, so I'm guessing for now you won't be having dialogue specific and more description writing, which I admit is something I'm not used to but can manage. I'm curious if this will be how the story stays or if it will include direct dialogue.


Wonder who these peeps are that keep insisting he gets a pokemon. Friends or others, not too important but some food for thought, I guess.

But now we get to the good part,


One little correction before we begin: "... his two hands ..."

Hmm, so from this we have so far it seems that this world of "grey" and all that is linked to the real one or can at least send things to the real world, as shown by the egg and all. This leads me to wonder about this figure that gives the egg (a description of his clothes would have been nice but eh, guess it can't be that easy). As for the egg, bright yellow makes me think it's gonna be a Pichu and that Pichu is related to things.

Overall, this was a nice little start, though I will say it left me wanting more description and detail since you are setting up this as hinting to the plot of the story. Something of note as well is that we don't get a name for our dear protagonist. I wonder if that will have any significance or is just a case of not putting one in, heh.

In Summary, attention grabbed, now let's see where you go with this.
Thank you, and I apologize for the grammar errors. I won't say anything so far about your theories. My current schedule for this story is a chapter a day, and so far I have a total of seven chapters. I am currently debating on writing more on this story, or to start a different one. But due to the attention this has so far, I'm leaning towards, more of this story. Won't say for sure until afterwords.

Bay

Darkinium Z

Female
Dani California
Seen 8 Hours Ago
Posted 8 Hours Ago
5,746 posts
13.4 Years
Hi, so I noticed you put Chapter One along with the Prologue! Dropping by to say while putting a Prologue and Chapter One in one post is fine, I strongly recommend having the next chapters after that be their own seperate posts. That way folks know you have updated and such. Also, you mentioned wanting to post a chapter a day. I prefer if you have the gap between chapters every few days or so. That way, you have time to proofread your story before posting, and so other readers will be able to keep up better.

Okay with that out of the way, I'm still confused where you're going with this story. We got a bit of a look into the narrator and their mother's lives, even if the beginning seems to be a dream again. I too was taken aback by barely any dialog happening. Usually you can give so much personality to a character with dialog! You don't have to change that in the first chapter, just putting it out there.

Don't take this personally, but I'm not exactly hooked yet. I might passively keep an eye on this for a few more chapters, so I still encourage you to see this through as much you liked! Again, good luck!

Foul Play
[Chapter Nine up!]
Age 16
Female
Charleston, SC
Seen 2 Weeks Ago
Posted August 15th, 2019
13 posts
3.6 Years
Chapter 2
I got downstairs to see the inbox spammer in front of me. Her name is Crista, and her little Marill was down by her side.”About time” she explained as she sat down on the couch. Mom was making PB&J sandwiches for dinner. I guess she didn’t want to go to the next town over to get groceries. As I grudgingly sat next to Crista Then I heard something from upstairs. I think Mom heard it too, so she gave me that look to go see what it was.

When I got upstairs, everything was a messy disaster. Books were scattered all over the floor and so were pieces of yellow egg shell. I had this unholy look upon my face. As I scrambled to pick up this disaster. As soon as i got it clean again i felt something tugging my hoodie from behind. I spun around to find a little spiky eared Pichu.

I heard thumping up the stairs as I quickly put a blanket over the Pichu. Crista came up here to tell me that linner was ready. She quickly gotten whiff that something was not right. She stumbled over to the blanket and slowly lifted it. She shouted as soon as she saw the Pichu, adoring at how cute it was. The Pichu quicky got onto my shoulder and sat down.

Crista amazed that ‘I finally did it’ gave me a set of 5 pokeballs and ran to see the professor. Aggravated, I wanted to snap back, But before anything was done, I stopped myself from further humiliation. So instead went back downstairs with the pichu on my shoulder. Mom suggested that I named my new partner. I brought up a couple of names until we agreed on the name Blitz. After dinner dinner Mom got us moomoo milk ice cream, but I had questions in the back of my mind. Where was that box, and who was that person. Those thoughts haunted me until I fell asleep.

Bay

Darkinium Z

Female
Dani California
Seen 8 Hours Ago
Posted 8 Hours Ago
5,746 posts
13.4 Years
Hi there! So I noticed you originally posted the second chapter in a different thread. What I meant last time is having the chapters be separate posts but within the same thread. Hence why I merged the threads together. Hope this makes sense!

Since I'm here, I decided to give this chapter a chance. To be honest, I feel the narration lacks that certain spark. Your narrator so far has been going like, "I did this, and then this happened" without much pause for some introspection on the narrator's part. There's also the lack of dialogue going on where the characters fell flat so far. I can at least picture the chaos going on and Crista reacting to Pichu, so you're getting in the right direction.

I also noticed a lot of grammar typos and mistakes. A few examples:

As I grudgingly sat next to Crista Then I heard something from upstairs.
I think you meant to take out the "Then" in between "Crista" and "I heard"?

I had this unholy look upon my face. As I scrambled to pick up this disaster. As soon as i got it clean again i felt something tugging my hoodie from behind.
Okay, this sounds very awkward when read aloud and your i's aren't capitalized. I think changing up some of the punctuations would make this part flow better.

I had this unholy look upon my face, as I scrambled to pick up this disaster. As soon as I got it clean again I felt something tugging my hoodie from behind.

This is why I suggest slowing down on updates so you leave your work at least a day and then proofread it. If you have trouble checking own work, maybe try to find a beta to help you polish your chapters before posting it. A suggestion, though!

So I really tried to give this a chance, but I'm limited on time and a chance I won't pick this up on a regular basis. Again don't take this personally though. I do want to wish to see you improve your writing and wish you luck! If you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask!

Foul Play
[Chapter Nine up!]
Age 16
Female
Charleston, SC
Seen 2 Weeks Ago
Posted August 15th, 2019
13 posts
3.6 Years
Chapter 3
I woke up to another dream; this time it was a narrow hallway. By this point I wondered if I was ever going to have a normal rest.Then curiosity took over, as I looked around. In front of me stood a door, behind me, the hall continued into nothingness. Now I’ve seen enough horror movies to know that something was gonna happen if I walked through the door. So I sat down trying to wake up.

Before I knew it, the door was right in front of me; beckoning me to come in. I stayed put. . . . . Wrong decision. A force grabbed ahold of me and threw me into the door. I face planted into the ground. As I kept a steady gaze onto the ground a figure started to appear. It rippled making a shape that looked almost like me.

Suddenly a flood of water rushed over me as I woke up breathing Sharply. Sweat dripping down like rain. But then I remember, it was all jus a dream. . . . . . or was it?

Vragon2.0

Say it with me (Vray-gun)

Male
As if I'd be one to say
Seen 1 Day Ago
Posted 3 Weeks Ago
281 posts
1.6 Years
Okay, so I read both chapters and I'll first give my thoughts on them individually before going into the basic thing regarding the chapter/writing as a whole and all. Anyways, shall we begin.

Chapter 2:
Chapter 2
I got downstairs to see the inbox spammer in front of me. Her name is Crista, and her little Marill was down by her side.”About time” she explained as she sat down on the couch. Mom was making PB&J sandwiches for dinner. I guess she didn’t want to go to the next town over to get groceries. As I grudgingly sat next to Crista Then I heard something from upstairs. I think Mom heard it too, so she gave me that look to go see what it was.
So first thing out of the gate I think there's a lot more going on then what's described here or at least told. I say that mainly due to things brought up that aren't given a resolution I would be expecting since well...they're minor and all. For example, the "about time" from I assume Crista since a "she" is used. For example, there isn't so much a direct answer or some hint at it before we cut to "Mom making them foodies" and all that, which can be odd for the reader. You see, the timing of the PJ's comes after the comment by Crista and before you sit down next to Crista which is followed by the noise that gets you two, which makes me think this is a bit jumbled up in order.

A potential solution to all this can be treating your paragraphs not so much as simple sentences but a connections of thought. For example, ask why something wouldn't be immediatly resolved or if it has any POV reasons why it wouldn't get an answer or conclusion and from there move on, because if there isn't a reason it should be split, why should it be split and arranged in such a fashion yah know?

Though I would like to mention I like the subtle shot at Crista with the nickname of "inbox spammer" totes to hidden subtext for effect of making me giggle.

When I got upstairs, everything was a messy disaster. Books were scattered all over the floor and so were pieces of yellow egg shell. I had this unholy look upon my face. As I scrambled to pick up this disaster. As soon as i got it clean again i felt something tugging my hoodie from behind. I spun around to find a little spiky eared Pichu.
Some inconsistent "I" capitalization.

But onto the second critique about this, sentence openings. Let's take a look at which ones are the openers and how many of each kind there are.
I x2 (pronoun)
As x2 (Conjunction)
When x1 (Averbial clause starter *I think)
Books x1 (Noun)
Notice the selection. Now this wouldn't be a big issue in a much larger work or something but this is just 6 sentences after all, with the two "As" being adjacent to each other. This sort of comes off as repetative writing and well, limits what you can really do with the work. For example, let me write the same paragraph you have here, but with different openers for each sentence to allow different options.

Upon reaching upstairs I was greeted with nothing short of a messy disaster. Books were scattered all over the floor with several yellow egg-shell pieces lying with them. With an unholy look of aggrivation on my face, I scrambled to pick up this sudden 'out of the blue' disaster. Despite how messy it seemed at first, it really wasn't that difficult to pick up at least compared to other past disasters that had found their way into that room. I pulled out a chair to sit down for a second to catch my breath, but as I sat down I felt some strange tugging at my hoddie. Firmly, I placed my hand on the chairhead as I twisted my torso and came face to face with a little spiky-eared Pichu with big, black (and adorable) eyes.
Notice how much more is said in that as well as how each sentence tries it's own thing while all linking? Some of the joys in writing is being able to do stuff like this and while it may take some time to sit down and think of it, I believe you'll find yourself proud of what you can create from it.
But moving on,

I heard thumping up the stairs as I quickly put a blanket over the Pichu. Crista came up here to tell me that linner was ready. She quickly gotten whiff that something was not right. She stumbled over to the blanket and slowly lifted it. She shouted as soon as she saw the Pichu, adoring at how cute it was. The Pichu quicky got onto my shoulder and sat down.

Crista amazed that ‘I finally did it’ gave me a set of 5 pokeballs and ran to see the professor. Aggravated, I wanted to snap back, But before anything was done, I stopped myself from further humiliation. So instead went back downstairs with the pichu on my shoulder. Mom suggested that I named my new partner. I brought up a couple of names until we agreed on the name Blitz. After dinner dinner Mom got us moomoo milk ice cream, but I had questions in the back of my mind. Where was that box, and who was that person. Those thoughts haunted me until I fell asleep.
"Dinner" and "had gotten" typos aside, I'm feel like something is missing between you meeting your pichu buddy and suddenly Crista getting up and heading this way. Like, where's the reaction? What causes Crista to suddenly go up there? Like, I would assume there'd be a reaction loud enough to get Crista's attention, but that's just me. Perhaps adding something in the middle to allow them to flow better time-wise would be nice so we don't feel like something important was skipped.

From that, I'm a little sad we didn't get too much further characterizing as well as not much from the pichu. I will say Crista probably got the most despite being from what I'm guessing a side character.

Chapter 3:
I woke up to another dream; this time it was a narrow hallway. By this point I wondered if I was ever going to have a normal rest.Then curiosity took over, as I looked around. In front of me stood a door, behind me, the hall continued into nothingness. Now I’ve seen enough horror movies to know that something was gonna happen if I walked through the door. So I sat down trying to wake up.
first comma after "By this point" and next I see we're going back to the dream, which is...kind of sudden. But eh, let's see where this goes.

Before I knew it, the door was right in front of me; beckoning me to come in. I stayed put. . . . . Wrong decision. A force grabbed ahold of me and threw me into the door. I face planted into the ground. As I kept a steady gaze onto the ground a figure started to appear. It rippled making a shape that looked almost like me.

Suddenly a flood of water rushed over me as I woke up breathing Sharply. Sweat dripping down like rain. But then I remember, it was all jus a dream. . . . . . or was it?
Hmmm...kind of lacking in cryptic this time as well, save for someone throwing him in. I dunno, this is probably the weaker one of the three chapters though I will say the grammar in this one is a bit better though errors persist but that tends to be true for everyone.

Summary:
Alright, gonna be honest here. I'd like to first highlight this from Bay's review before I begin. I would link to Bay's post but I don't know how to do it yet without it deleting all of my words so, it's from bay up there, second post.
To be honest, I feel the narration lacks that certain spark. Your narrator so far has been going like, "I did this, and then this happened" without much pause for some introspection on the narrator's part. There's also the lack of dialogue going on where the characters fell flat so far. I can at least picture the chaos going on and Crista reacting to Pichu, so you're getting in the right direction.
I'd like to add that there's lacking in areas of the plot and transition from one scene to another. Like, you show Crista's reaction, yet you strangley didn't have one in your story? Not even the pichu seemed to react much to being well...existing. Though I think a bigger example of this issue is the transition of chapter 2 to chapter 3, just...so little happened from something that I'd expect to be at least more than 2 paragraphs. It feels like you condenced it to such levels that while it's easy to read it's well...really shallow in content.

Now, before we jump to conclusions lemme shed on somethin'.
I'd advise slowing down and taking the time to see where you can go with this story. Oftentimes writers have great ideas, but have a hard time putting them on paper and frankly I think this is a case of "rushing to keep readers but it affecting the content."

So gonna say this to you and the writing community on PC for a second. "If your work is enjoyable and good you wouldn't need a deadline to get people in." How many people are anxiously waiting for a book to come out or something else even if it does take a while? Hell, movies are a good example of this too. The thing I'm trying to say is, don't push yourself for time when you could divert that to writing not only a good story but a fleshed-out story. People will read what is good and while having convenience is nice and all, I'd daresay more people would read your chapters when they become fleshed out more, edited, and built up better. Maybe not at first, but I would say I'd be more invested as well and I think that's true for many others.

Now, don't take this to dishearten because as I said before. Your story has an interesting premise, but sadly premise isn't the entire story. Why I advise you to take time to really delve into what world and story you want to tell.

Good luck buddy.

“A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you just the way you are.”
– Unknown
Age 16
Female
Charleston, SC
Seen 2 Weeks Ago
Posted August 15th, 2019
13 posts
3.6 Years
Hey, thanks! I am glad that I'm getting this much criticism, because, truth be told English isn't my strong suit in school. I also feel like I'm beating around the bush a little, and I do apologize for that. So with school back in session, and with an awesome friend I have there; All of this should be getting a LOT better. Once again thanks, and I'll post a new chapter sometime in the future.
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