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Pokémon Redemption

Started by Sparkin March 22nd, 2019 11:14 AM
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Sparkin

Ace Detective

Ryme City
Seen 1 Week Ago
Posted 1 Week Ago
42 posts
240 Days
Redemption
Dive in the story of two royalties, a prince and a princess, while they venture outside of their common lives to chase a group of thieves who stole an important artfact of their ancients and facing challenges along their way to test their determination.

Sparkin

Ace Detective

Ryme City
Seen 1 Week Ago
Posted 1 Week Ago
42 posts
240 Days
Chapter 01

Awakened by the soft voice of a maid, I stood up from my bed, still wishing to return to sleep.

“Ma… I…Take…Lea…”

In the state I was, it seemed as if the maid’s lips were merely moving, not letting any sounds whatsoever, and taking her leave.
I stepped to the front of the mirror and glanced at what seemed like a zombie version of me – messy dark brown hair, red eyes, head tilted as if I was sleeping on my shoulder, and a curved back. Looking at it has given me the thought I should take better care of myself. It was on this certain day that I made the choice I thought I would regret for the rest of my life.
I left my room and went to the bathroom, equipped with what I needed to fix my look. On my long path, I happened to pass by my sister, Celia, who was in a charming outfit, fitting of a princess. As she noticed me when we walked by, she covered her mouth and let out a giggle, looking down at me.

- Hmph…You finally woke up, lazy bones.
- Rose! Seee!

A Roserade stood by her, expressing the same look as her trainer. It was holding a red envelope, which I thought to be destined to Celia. I kept walking, pretending to not notice them…
After returning to my room, I looked at my bed, where my garb would reside, prepared by the maids. While preparing myself, the curiosity of what letter could be in the envelope Roserade was holding.
Finishing my visual overhaul, I looked at the mirror again to see my appearance changed, as if I was a totally different person from when I woke up.
I returned to my thoughts, hoping to occupy my mind. My father is the only one who usually receives and sends letter on a regular basis, and suddenly seeing Celia with one garnered some interest from me in knowing its contents. Glancing at my desk broke my state of loss in thoughts. An envelope, red as the one Celia’s Roserade was holding, was sitting on my desk. I was surprised, but it felt invigorating that I would satisfy my curiosity, and sooner than I would have thought.
I reached my hand to it and removed its seal, quickly taking the letter inside with three fingers. I pulled the chair to read it comfortably…

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“That badly-behaved, lazy bones!” a scream was heard throughout the castle. That was my scream. Roserade tapped my leg, trying to calm me down. I sat on my bed and grabbed a pillow, holding it very tightly to send it all my anger. I heard a door knocking thrice, and I rushed to make myself not look as mad as I was.

- Excuse me, milady. The master is worried about your state and would like to know what has happened.
- I’m fine! I just needed to express my feelings on this pillow.
- Has the young master angered you again?
- Yes. But I am calm now. Thank you for your concern, Merlin.

The maid bowed, and left the room. Merlin was amongst the few maids I trusted, and let myself looser around. She would often listen to me when my brother had angered me.
Afterwards, I left my room to meet with my father. Roserade left out a sigh of relief and followed me closely. While getting closer to the meeting room, where I believed my father was, I could hear an unknown, manly voice, still at a distance where I could not recognize what they were speaking.
I did not wish to disturb my father’s conversation with this man, but a visit was rare in our place, and so I was curious to discover what they were talking about.

- I am sorry, Monsieur Antoine. The necklace is a memento, and something I cannot hand over.

Hearing my father say that made me think our visitor was a noble, seeking to buy a possession of ours. Although, the necklace was something I could not figure which one he spoke of. Our family possessed riches, but for my father to neglect a noble’s interest in a necklace, while he possesses many of them, had put me at distraught.

- I understand. If that is your thought, then I will excuse myself. Pardon for the interruption.

I could hear footsteps, which seemed to be going towards the door, where I was listening from the outside. I heard them, but I reacted late, attempting to leave the place before being seen. The noble opened the door, and I saw his face. A short-haired redhead, with a mustache. Brown eyes, one which had a monocle on. He wore a black suit with a red bowtie and white gloves. His appearance and overhearing my father’s conversation gave me the impression that he was very polite, and yet the expression in his face seemed to say otherwise. His furrowed brows and awkward smile paralyzed my legs, making me stand on the spot, where I looked up at the tall man.

- Excuse me, I must be on my way. We shall meet later…

The man slowly continued on his way, as if he wasn’t in a rush at all. I looked back at the meeting room’s doors and glanced at my father sweating, leaning towards the table while sat on a sofa, both elbows resting at his knees, with his hands clenched together, supporting his head. I walked inside and asked him:

- Father?
- Celia, is that you?
- Yes. I noticed a man leaving just now. What has happened?
- You don’t need to trouble yourself. I will take care of it.

Roserade joined us, happily jumping and carrying the red envelope which has been with her ever since.

- Ah, Roserade. You brought the envelope.

My father raised its head, revealing his wet face of sweat, showing that he was very worried about something. I stood up and received the envelope from Roserade, which I then delivered to father.

- Roserade told me this was for you.

He removed the seal, and quickly took the letter from within the envelope. As he read the letter, his expression began to change, his eyes wide open and teeth clashing…

- But. This can’t be...!

Vragon2.0

Say it with me (Vray-gun)

Male
As if I'd be one to say
Seen 2 Days Ago
Posted September 27th, 2019
281 posts
1.7 Years
So I happened on this and I'm curious about the lead in with the plot synopsis. Personally, I'm not too much of a fan of these things since they sort of set up the notion of where the plot will go and whatnot before it happens, though I understand why it's here and all. However, it does raise questions about how the two will pursue these thieves considering a few factors but I suppose I'll find out soon given the set up in chapter 1 is definitely foreboding.


While the startup shows our rather tired prot. at the same time...there's not too much else. Now, you've got time mind you but in this chapter, all I really got was. "This guy is a prince, Merlin is a maid closer to him, his sister is a teaser or is coming off like that, that duke visiting is either our main antagonist or a red herring, the Roserade is his sister's but interracts with him too, and our prot. isn't someone to be around when pissed off."

So while I cannot comment a lot on the characters, I can say that there's room for them to grow and all. Regarding the plot, I cannot comment either since it's starting. As for the chapter in of itself, it felt a little short for what you were trying to go for.

What I believe you were aiming for was to introduce our protagonists, a few side characters, set up that there's some tension, and dictate some background and scenery. Pushing what I've listed regarding characters aside (and again you've got time to flesh them out) I felt there was a bit more you could add into this to really draw out the mood/story.

For example, you do a skip line between him reading the letter and then having his tantrum. This honestly feels odd considering both happen after what I assume is a few minutes of reading the paper and promptly getting heated. I believe we aren't supposed to know about the letter's contents yet but there are ways to still get the message it ticked him off as he reads without skipping some time. Like, adding his expressions/emotions as he reads it slowly change from curious why he has a letter to downright fuming would have been interesting and entertaining. Perhaps even having some thought processes while doing it too would aid in fleshing him out in the first chapter.


With my bigger pet peeve out of the way, I think I'll delve into some minor things I noticed.
“Ma… I…Take…Lea…”

In the state I was, it seemed as if the maid’s lips were merely moving, not letting any sounds whatsoever, and taking her leave.
This is kind of a contradiction since it's being indicated that sounds are making to his head just not very comprehensible. I get what you were aiming for, but I believe having him being unable to hear and just observe the gestures/body language and coming to the conclusion or guess what she's saying would be a better approach.

Celia, who was in a charming outfit, fitting of a princess.
I think the word "of" should be "for". I might be wrong about it but "of" sort of makes this awkward to read.

“That badly-behaved, lazy bones!” a scream was heard throughout the castle. That was my scream. Roserade tapped my leg, trying to calm me down. I sat on my bed and grabbed a pillow, holding it very tightly to send it all my anger. I heard a door knocking thrice, and I rushed to make myself not look as mad as I was.

- Excuse me, milady. The master is worried about your state and would like to know what has happened.
- I’m fine! I just needed to express my feelings on this pillow.
- Has the young master angered you again?
- Yes. But I am calm now. Thank you for your concern, Merlin.
Something that was rather odd to me was your dialogue execution. I'm curious why for some talking scenes you had " " marks and for some you did a script approach to them. I would suggest picking one or the other for outwards dialogue and sticking to that (though I'd recommend it be " " just because that's normal in english since quotation)

All in all, it's a fine start. You've got plenty of time and room to flesh out this plot and characters and with that I wish you luck and well.

“A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you just the way you are.”
– Unknown
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