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  #1    
Old May 17th, 2017 (4:34 PM).
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Bardothren Bardothren is offline
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Howdy there. I thought I'd try writing poems because the mood struck me and because I have to get ten psychics somehow, so read on and enjoy. It'll be interesting to see if I haven't lost my touch.

Spoiler:
The Darkness Between Stars

When I reached for the stars, my hands froze.
My fingers blackened into shriveled raisins,
My blood boiled like black tea in its kettle,
My eyes popped, darkness filled the empty sockets,
My ears burst, deafened by the silence.
My voiceless withered away, unheard, with my lips.

Turning to dust, I was swept away by starry tides,
Mingling with the countless other lost souls,
Stirred together in the cast iron pot of the night sky
Into human soup, nameless and forgotten,
Hidden behind gleaming golden stars
That burned in their own glorious light.

As you look up at that star-studded sky,
Blind to the death between radiant life,
Take a moment to whisper a prayer
For all those souls, who, like Icarus,
Fell short of the stars they hoped to reach,
And were left floating, wingless, between the stars.
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Don't mind me, I'll just be lurking in the shadows over here.

My fanfics:

Through the Scope (pretty bad)

Through the Aura (somewhat tolerable)

Through the Darkness (getting better)

Sleepy Chateau (a Halloween collab with Bay)


Also, come check out the Underground
for some fun, laughs, and murder!
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  #2    
Old May 17th, 2017 (4:57 PM). Edited May 18th, 2017 by Bardothren.
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Bardothren Bardothren is offline
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Oh look, another poem. I whipped this one up with a half-eaten brownie next to my computer. I asked myself "Can I write a profound poem about a brownie?" and I told myself "Only one way to find out."

Spoiler:
The Brownie

I have before me a store-brought brownie.
Swaddled in crinkled, greasy white paper,
Chocolate dough crowned in chocolate frosting,
Garnished with circles of blue, pink and yellow sugar,
And I find myself profoundly curious
If it is possible to ascribe higher meaning to my dessert.

Does this brownie bear a lofty title in a land of desserts,
Lorded over by lofty wedding cakes and their cupcake children,
Guarded by chocolate bunny soldiers bearing candy canes,
With pies and tarts cooking dishes of sugar and cream,
Bars of chocolate tending to flocks of peeps,
And starbursts paddling peanut brittle boats over lakes of pudding?

Or perhaps its arrival at my home was heralded by a sage,
From a time of knights and chivalry and round tables,
When castles of stone gleamed under unsullied sunlight,
Wreathed with virgin air, untainted by oil and coal,
As an omen of calamity and destruction and inferno,
To bow men’s backs under the weight of grief.

Or maybe I’ve had one too many beers to drink.
After all, I can’t even count the bottles at my feet,
And I trip and fall each time I take a step,
Breaking glass beneath my beer-sodden belly,
Slicing deep gouges into my hands and knees,
And staining the chocolate treat with my blood.

No more meaning does this brownie have
Than the footprints left by foraging ants,
Nor does it mean any less than Da Vinci and Twain,
For like the crimson trail of broken glass behind me,
Like writing in sand and ponderous statues of stone,
When humans are gone, no one’s left to see our traces.
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Don't mind me, I'll just be lurking in the shadows over here.

My fanfics:

Through the Scope (pretty bad)

Through the Aura (somewhat tolerable)

Through the Darkness (getting better)

Sleepy Chateau (a Halloween collab with Bay)


Also, come check out the Underground
for some fun, laughs, and murder!
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  #3    
Old May 17th, 2017 (6:44 PM).
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Vragon Vragon is offline
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    Wow, I'm so jealous right now (I'm not kidding but not extreme either)
    But returning to topic, both were really good. I liked how the first one you led all but the very first line in the first section with the word "My". It really added to that part and drew me in. I'm going to try and take a guess and say that the first poem is using the death and mingling between the stars to metaphorically express the people who "Stopped reaching for their goals/dreams" and were some of the many that fell short of a meaning. Or in other words, those that gave up on being something more.

    Your second one was great too, (bonus points since I don't like chocolate) but I did spy one little type. In line 7 "dessert" probably should have been plural. Since it is a "land of desserts" it just seemed weird, though most likely it was a typo. I was impressed on how you just took a measly brownie and went to contemplation. Would the brownie be royal in the land of desserts (I assume somewhat of Dessert Hierachy). Then to it being a bad omen of things to come (nice metaphor). Going to common sensibility of grasping reality once you get your head out of the clouds. And to the trash can after the whole bleed thing. You have a knack for taking something simple and just stretching it into something so elaborate, so complicated, so dark, so vivid that I paused my music to get a better focus (Kidding).

    But all in all nice read and glad you have a nice touch in poetry even if it's only for getting ten psychics somehow.
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    Old May 18th, 2017 (9:02 AM).
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    Ice Ice is online now
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    My first note would be to just remove the abundance of commas. In poetry, a linebreak is a pause already, so the comma serves no purpose. Poetry is grammarless, so I'd say only ever use a comma if you want to insert a pause into a line.

    I think your imagery is really nice, but to me, it doesn't feel like poetry just yet. You seem to adhere a bit too much to prose. Although a lot of that is personal taste, I like poetry that generally takes a piss at linguistic conventions a bit more.

    There are some lines I really like.
    "My eyes popped, darkness filled the empty sockets,"
    for example has this great internal approximate rhyme that creates this nice sense of rhythm.

    "As you look up at that star-studded sky,
    Blind to the death between radiant life,"
    Is another one that I think really works well because of those approximate rhymes. The I sound in sky, blind and life is a nice little beat that works well with the extra syllables radiants provides.

    I think that rhythm is something you could involve a little more. The sentence pacing is there, but the internal flow of words is a bit too inconsistent for my tastes, while I personally think rhythm is one of the most important aspects of poetry.
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      #5    
    Old May 18th, 2017 (5:53 PM).
    Bardothren's Avatar
    Bardothren Bardothren is offline
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    To Vragon, I'm glad you enjoyed my poems,and I enjoy the feedback you gave me. If you're curious as to what I meant when I mentioned ten psychics (this one makes the seventh, by the way), this is the PC thread I refer to: https://www.pokecommunity.com/showthread.php?t=379605. I think you'd be interested.

    To Ice, many thanks for the critique. While I can't promise to pay more attention to rhythm, I can promise to ease up on the commas and add a bit of rhyme. Rhythm was never my strong point in creative writing classes, and I tended to favor clever, strong imagery. Here's to hoping you think this is an improvement.

    Also, keep in mind I'm not exactly pouring hours into these verses. Lord knows I don't have that kind of time, sadly.

    Spoiler:
    On the Wind

    I heard my name whispered on the wind
    A tickling feather brushed across my mind
    I followed the air to see what I would find
    Through oak and pine and rippling river bend.

    I found a cabin where a mountain once stood
    Formed of hewn stone and rough-cut wood
    Sunlight danced between branches in merry mood,
    Painting the cabin with flecks of green and gold.

    I approached warily and rapped against the door
    Peeked through a window and knocked once more
    Cobwebs shrouded the ceiling, dust coated the floor
    So, thinking it empty, I twisted the knob and walked through.

    I heard my name again, from the room ahead
    In a groggy, mournful voice as laden as lead
    With a shiver, I crept forward and found a bed
    And on its crimson pillows sat a severed head.

    It stared at me, eyes unblinking and pale blue
    Its sallow skin tinged with a sickly green hue
    A gaping hole yawned where its nose once grew
    It whipsered through cracked lips, “Don’t leave me too.”

    I fled the cabin, my feet carried on the wind
    The dread memory clinging like cobwebs to my mind
    I fled, not daring to imagine what else I would find
    Had I listened to the severed head and stayed behind.
    __________________

    Don't mind me, I'll just be lurking in the shadows over here.

    My fanfics:

    Through the Scope (pretty bad)

    Through the Aura (somewhat tolerable)

    Through the Darkness (getting better)

    Sleepy Chateau (a Halloween collab with Bay)


    Also, come check out the Underground
    for some fun, laughs, and murder!
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      #6    
    Old May 19th, 2017 (5:59 AM).
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    Winter Winter is offline
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    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Ice View Post
    My first note would be to just remove the abundance of commas. In poetry, a linebreak is a pause already, so the comma serves no purpose. Poetry is grammarless, so I'd say only ever use a comma if you want to insert a pause into a line.
    I have to say, that is quite a misconception. Not all line breaks create pauses, for if they are mid-clause, they create enjambments which quickens the poem's pace. Line breaks are there for unnatural pauses; commas for natural ones. So there's no real crime in putting them there. (Of course, I have seen some poets choose not to have commas for end-stopped lines but it's purely a personal aesthetic choice, and not one of technicality.)

    I do agree with Ice on that while your imagery is rich (and curiously all linked to foods xP *inserts pretentious psychoanalysis of a subconscious desire to quell hunger*), I believe that what he means to convey is that they don't really do anything for the reader. For how I read it, it doesn't really take me anywhere, or shall I phrase it as such, I'm not sure what journey you desire me to accompany you on when you introduce these imagery.

    I'm meter deaf so I can't comment on rhythm (I do understand why you struggle a bit given your prose background) but oh, please, never force rhyme or feel like a poem needs rhyme to be deemed as one. Someone once told me "rhyming is necropastoral" and I'm inclined to trust them.
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    Old May 19th, 2017 (5:23 PM).
    Bardothren's Avatar
    Bardothren Bardothren is offline
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    Something tells me I am going to get as many opinions as people responding to my poems. That's fine - it's all useful information. As a poet, I lean closer to prose, but I'll rhyme when the mood strikes me. I'll agree that I think On the Wind was a weaker poem, and The Darkness Between Stars definitely has my best imagery. I was thinking about that first poem for longer, so I had more material to work with.

    Anywho, here's an Undertale poem, because why not.

    Spoiler:
    An Ode to Undertale

    Raindrops play a tune across the rocky ground
    Like plucked harp strings dangling from the umbrella
    As the statue gives thanks in its wordless song
    That fills my heart with determination.

    The monster kid waddles besides me
    Striped shirt sleeves waving in the wind
    Tripping over every hole in the ground
    And rising each time with a cheerful smile.

    He stays close, leaning out of the rain
    His warm breath brushed against my neck
    Sending shivers down my frozen back
    That was numb from the sins crawling on it.

    I gripped the knife in my tattered pocket
    Stained with blood and dust and LOVE
    Wondering how much EXP I would gain
    From plunging the blade through its chest.

    But breath and cheerful smile melt the ice
    That had wreathed my blue, frozen heart,
    Weighed down all this time from the grin
    Of Papyrus’ head as I hacked it to dust.

    My sweaty fingers slipped from the hilt
    And settled numbly against my shaking leg.
    There, behind me, stumbled one happy life
    That would be spared of dusty genocide.
    __________________

    Don't mind me, I'll just be lurking in the shadows over here.

    My fanfics:

    Through the Scope (pretty bad)

    Through the Aura (somewhat tolerable)

    Through the Darkness (getting better)

    Sleepy Chateau (a Halloween collab with Bay)


    Also, come check out the Underground
    for some fun, laughs, and murder!
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      #8    
    Old May 19th, 2017 (6:14 PM).
    Bardothren's Avatar
    Bardothren Bardothren is offline
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    This poem kinda just happened, after a thought I had that all my poems, no matter how they start, always end up dark. Instead of going against that grain, I wrote a poem about it... and somehow ended up with a bittersweet ending? Huh.

    Spoiler:
    Soul Prints

    They say one’s poems are their soul’s fingerprints.
    Those who write pretty poems say that the loudest.
    Me? I guess I believe it too, since I see my poems
    Each time I look in a mirror or down at a pond
    So still it almost makes me believe life can be calm
    Until a dancing orange leaf lands in it like a sea plane.

    Sometimes my poems start amiably enough
    Waxing eloquent on sunlight and trees and summer wind,
    But their thoughts turn swiftly to snow and ice,
    Like a rough wind that shakes the darling buds of May,
    Casting out the Shakespearian drivel and chilling the soul
    With shambling corpses and speaking severed heads
    That yearn for living company and the soft caress of skin.

    Other times, I forsake the empty gesture of joy
    And dive into the midden heap of tormented souls,
    Dredging up foul, reeking slime of regret and shame
    Warped by heat and pressure into enduring stone,
    And dumping wagonloads onto my neighbors’ lawns,
    Trampling their petunias and sun-petaled daffodils.

    If poems be the fingerprint of the soul, then mine is black
    Like the tears of dolphins choked by plastic and oil
    Set adrift across the sea to strangle a new victim
    Until the sea itself becomes a shambling corpse
    Licking the land with its greasy black tongue
    And smearing every inch of soil with its oily despair.

    But do not grieve, for with a soul black as mine,
    All other colors seem pure, white, and sublime.
    __________________

    Don't mind me, I'll just be lurking in the shadows over here.

    My fanfics:

    Through the Scope (pretty bad)

    Through the Aura (somewhat tolerable)

    Through the Darkness (getting better)

    Sleepy Chateau (a Halloween collab with Bay)


    Also, come check out the Underground
    for some fun, laughs, and murder!
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      #9    
    Old May 20th, 2017 (9:09 AM).
    Bardothren's Avatar
    Bardothren Bardothren is offline
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    Another day, another poem. Here's to hoping you enjoy this one as well.

    Spoiler:
    Rainbow

    Red
    The color of fire and ruin,
    bringer of courage and fear
    the color of life and love
    whose sight paralyzes
    and summons ardor.

    Orange
    The color of Autumn,
    jack o lanterns glowing
    on porch steps, eyes
    like coals as they cast
    away the winter phantoms.

    Yellow
    The color of sunlight
    warmth and happiness
    flowers and pollen
    dancing in the breeze
    and sweet sticky honey.

    Green
    The color of growth and life
    new shoots poking through the earth
    spring leaves drinking sunlight
    as birds sing merry songs
    from slender tree branches.

    Blue
    The color of freedom
    an open, vast sky
    with birds soaring high
    and a tranquil blue sea
    with bounding dolphins.

    Purple
    The color of nobles
    long sought though well hidden
    in tiny clams, violets,
    and the last light of day
    as the sun slowly sinks.

    Black
    The color of sleep and death
    always stalking footsteps
    lurking in corners
    and the last hue life sees
    as it closes its eyes.
    __________________

    Don't mind me, I'll just be lurking in the shadows over here.

    My fanfics:

    Through the Scope (pretty bad)

    Through the Aura (somewhat tolerable)

    Through the Darkness (getting better)

    Sleepy Chateau (a Halloween collab with Bay)


    Also, come check out the Underground
    for some fun, laughs, and murder!
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      #10    
    Old June 20th, 2017 (7:50 PM).
    Bardothren's Avatar
    Bardothren Bardothren is offline
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    Oh wow, this didn't die? Well, not yet anyways. Lol, it's been exactly one month, what are the odds? Anyways, quick warning, this one's darker than my usual poem... it came to me in a shower.

    Spoiler:
    To Prick a Balloon

    As darkness tickles my brain, I wonder how
    I cling by my fingernails to my sanity, how
    I haven’t fallen into the universe’s outhouse, how
    I haven’t joined creation’s unwanted refuse, how
    Hope hasn’t fled despair’s baying hounds, how
    Absurd courage made my hart into a lion, how
    Like a lion, I roar at the raging storm, how
    I stay afloat as a torrent sweeps over me, how
    Anguish doesn’t drag me down like seaweed, how
    I slither and slide through roiling waves, how
    Fragile skin can be tough and sleek as scales, as

    I stare at someone, holding a knife,
    Imagining… walking up to them,
    Pricking them with the tip,
    Watching as their life gushes out
    In a light drizzle of crimson,
    I wonder if I watch closely
    I might see where my own life went.
    __________________

    Don't mind me, I'll just be lurking in the shadows over here.

    My fanfics:

    Through the Scope (pretty bad)

    Through the Aura (somewhat tolerable)

    Through the Darkness (getting better)

    Sleepy Chateau (a Halloween collab with Bay)


    Also, come check out the Underground
    for some fun, laughs, and murder!
    Reply With Quote
      #11    
    Old 4 Weeks Ago (9:03 AM).
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    youngster_joey youngster_joey is offline
       
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      One thing I noticed from reading your poetry is that you use a lot of repetition. This can be effective if the words or phrases being repeated are beneficial to the meaning of the poem, however I've noticed a few cases where you seem to be using it solely to sound poetic.

      I'm going to focus in on your last poem, "To Prick a Balloon". Immediately what strikes me is your use of "darkness" to start the poem. "Darkness" is a very abstract word that can be used as a metaphor for many concepts (death, loss, insanity, ...) and is thus not a great word to start a poem with. In editing I would definitely suggest you keep the rest of the line, it provides a very vivid image. Overall, you use a lot of good metaphors (I especially liked "I slither and slide through roiling (sic) waves, how / fragile skin can be tough and sleek as scales") and some very cliche ones that I'd suggest changing; "made my hart (sic) into a lion" immediately jumps out at me as needing work, and "creation's unwanted refuse" is also somewhat trite in its angst. Something like "creation's landfill" would provide a more vivid image as well as being more interesting; I'd suggest you experiment with different metaphors. Don't be afraid to try out something that sounds completely absurd.

      I'd also suggest experimenting with other options for structure; the "how" at the end of every line is awkward. Also, you don't need to capitalize the first letter of every line. Even changing those two alone would fix 80% of the stylistic problems of your poem.

      The last comment I'll make is on the title. I'll be blunt: It doesn't make sense. From what I can gather the poem is about anguish and delving into the mind of someone on the edge of sanity. The title would be far more apt as a metaphor used in the poem; honestly, I quite like it as that, but as a title, it doesn't really work. The title of a poem should set the scene or establish the mood, and yours doesn't really do that too well. I will say, however, I like the repetition of the concept of stabbing something in the beginning and the end of the poem ("to prick a balloon", "pricked them with the tip". Perhaps the first line could include the image of pricking a balloon.

      Anyway, those are just my ideas; your poems genuinely show a lot of promise, but they could use a bit of refinement. I'd suggest you read some of Allen Ginsberg's work; your style reminds me of him.
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