• Our software update is now concluded. You will need to reset your password to log in. In order to do this, you will have to click "Log in" in the top right corner and then "Forgot your password?".
  • Forum moderator applications are now open! Click here for details.
  • Welcome to PokéCommunity! Register now and join one of the best places on the 'net to talk Pokémon and more! Community members will not see the bottom screen advertisements.

[Pokémon] Masks Within Masks [M]

1,863
Posts
12
Years
Maybe I'm biased because I really like Zoroark, but I found this "pilot" interesting, with sufficient tension building around Seven's escape to keep me invested. ps I also love Spirited Away. Although I do wonder how the scientists haven't already safeguarded against her illusionary powers. I mean, the scientist still knew of the whole escape, so I assume they have some sort of alert for illusions, but Seven doesn't get any physical repercussions?
 

Bay

6,381
Posts
17
Years
His moustache overgrew his lips and nearly reached down to his chin, and the eyebrows perched over his gleaming blue eyes looked thick enough to stymie a weed-whacker, but aside from that, his head lacked hair, nor did he bother to cover his gleaming, wrinkled forehead with a wig.
Minor, but "gleaming" twice there got repetitive.

...Seven smiled, and formed an illusion around her fur of a nude woman, copied from some curious browsing on the internet. As the guard approached her cell, Seven pressed her hips forward and said "Hey baby, fifty bucks and I'm all yours." The guard stiffened, looked away, and pressed a button on the device he kept in his shirt pocket. The barrier around her cell turned opaque, and the guard kept walking.
Oh my gosh.

Next, she sat down at her computer, brought up Spirited Away, and turned her attention to the cameras.
I can see you still like referencing Spirited Away, haha.

Also see you still like Zoroark, heh. But anyways, don't know where you'll go with this just yet as it's only the first chapter, but still looks like a promising premise nonetheless. Seven seems like a fun character there, too.
 

Bay

6,381
Posts
17
Years
Okay, so I reread the first chapter and I see you made several changes indeed. I admit the version I read I saved it in Microsoft Word, so the scenes I pointed out conflicted with the changes you did oops. Anyways, I can see some scenes like Seven transformed into a naked woman and the bathroom, while amusing, are out of place. Also with the bathroom scene I thought in particular I enjoyed the dialogue, I can see the workers there were shown to not be bright.

Anyways, onto Chapter Two. Well, things got more interesting now. I do like that one part where Seven ponders what emotion she should show after her illusion. Team Rocket appearing makes me wonder how your take on them will be since I think this is the first time you're writing a canon villainous team. Looking forward to how Seven will deal with joining Team Rocket.
 

Bay

6,381
Posts
17
Years
I do like the added detail with Giovanni carrying hand sanitizer there for some reason. Maybe it's something I don't see too often with characterization there. I do have to wonder why Giovanni is interested in a Unova Pokemon (maybe something bigger?) since Team Rocket is based in Kanto/Johto. I'm assuming that will be revealed later, though.
 

Bay

6,381
Posts
17
Years
Poor Seven having a hard time figuring out clothing, heh. Does seem though she might have be a bit uncomfortable feeding the Pokemon test subjects there, which is understandable since she's supposed to be one herself. Wonder how long she'll be able to keep this up.
 

Bay

6,381
Posts
17
Years
So, I was reading both Mask Within Masks and Dusk Brawler, but didn't know you immeditely updated the former lol.

Chapter Five, moreso another snapshot of Seven dealing with working with Team Rocket, but I still like it. Heh poor her riding Bruce, and nice initiative with her dealing with Subject Three. Chapter Six, meanwhile, has more intensity there with Seamus and Seven about to escape and Giovanni making the kill there. I do like the inner monologue there of Seven wanting to earn her freedom.
 
Last edited:

Bay

6,381
Posts
17
Years
Well, I hate it whenever I did typos. >.>; Already mentioned this to you, but yeah went ahead and fixed that.

Anyways, I like the interactions between Bruno and Peter there. That chase there is also interesting, makes me wonder if there's more to those thugs then just the usual. Looking forward to Peter and his Pokemon's roles further down the road.
 

Bay

6,381
Posts
17
Years
The chop shop there does sound pleasant there. I don't blame Seven for feeling really unease there, I would too. Onto the end of the chapter, I can see why the thumbprints are needed for the pokeballs. Shall be interesting how Seven will handle her first assignment as grunt.
 

Bay

6,381
Posts
17
Years
Bruno started off towards the Knights, but a flash of color drew his eyes back towards the figure. As they turned away, their hair whirled out from under the hat, revealing a vibrant purple hue. His curiosity piqued, Bruno lingered a while longer, hoping to catch a glimpse of the figure?s face. He wasn?t sure why the figure intrigued him so, until it turned the corner, and he saw the front of her face. It was angular, fox-like, with fur as dark and lustrous as satin, and yellow eyes like jasper that glittered even in the shadows of the hat. She also had a peculiar aura, awash with deep reds, dark blues, and a cloudy purple, like a sunset at the cusp of night, overshadowed with large, proud cumulus clouds. So strong her aura was, it blazed like a lighthouse beacon over a pale glittering sea of lesser auras, and it left the faint sensation of heat on his fur, like a sunlight-soaked blanket wrapped around his chest.
Do I smell an upcoming romance with Bruno and Seven?

Anyways, Bruno seeing Seven the first time there has some neat description. White Knights huh? Wonder what kind of role that group will have there. Seven's first assignment there she seemed to fumble a bit there, but it's given.
 

Bay

6,381
Posts
17
Years
Looks like the White Knight's appearances gave Seven a big advantage there and she's able to pick up the slack very fast (and impressed Giovanni there too). Looks like Seven will be going to the White Knight's main base, should make for some fun action.
 

Bay

6,381
Posts
17
Years
The part with Seven noticing Giovanni's scar makes me wonder how he got it in the first place, hm. Since this is more of a calm before the storm type of chapter, don't really have anything else to say except can't wait for the party next chapter also heh.
 

Bay

6,381
Posts
17
Years
"Something's wrong with my visor," Dekkard said. Seven's eyes wouldn't focus, but she heard him take off his own helmet, set it aside, and let out a loud gasp.

When her eyes finally focused again, she saw Dekkard, helmet off, pointing his rifle at her with a combination of panic, disgust, and disbelief on his face.

"Subject Seven," he hissed. "Now it makes sense."

Oops.

Some nice action going on this chapter. Not surprising Dekkard's reaction over Seven's true identity, though oh dear over her getting back at him there. Looking forward to more of this heist.
 

Bay

6,381
Posts
17
Years
Blood gushed out of the man's mouth as four of his teeth were wrenched out of his guns.

I think you mean gums? Otherwise, wow Seven's rampage there. You weren't kidding over what comes this chapter.


Seven grabbed his helmet, tilted it up, and jabbed her knife into his throat. Blood bubbled out of the slit in the sturdy black fabric as Rick gurgled and fell to his side.

"It's right there," Seven said with a faint smile.

This part too I went "dang."

A tiny voice, nearly drowned out by the shouting urge to drink, insisted that a human wouldn't stoop to lapping up water like an animal.

I like this line here.

The last part where Seven bites Lou, like that you have her being unsettled doing such thing. Overall enjoyed this chapter despite going to gruesome territory, looking forward to more!
 

Bay

6,381
Posts
17
Years
I feel Seven's actions last chapter carried more weight than this chapter, most likely because you dug more into her emotions last time. You still did good job here showing Seven's urgency able to keep her illusions and then slipped up after. Also like the part where the Captain pointed out where Seven was hiding, before he drew his last breath, for some reason.
 

Bay

6,381
Posts
17
Years
Yeah, after the last thrilling few chapters it's nice this one is mroe calm, and with Bruno and Peter. I thought it's sweet Peter refused to watch the movie without Bruno and telling him the two either do everything together or none at all. Not surprising Bruno could sense Seven, wonder if there will be another upcoming meeting between seen soon.
 

Bay

6,381
Posts
17
Years
The description with Fisher's aggron I like the implication his Pokemon has been through many battles and the scars showed that. The next paragraph with the mention of Fisher thinking of his Mother's cooking I wonder the significance of that. Fisher getting hungry, lol? The part where one of the grunts taking advantage of Kecleon's ability is also neat. Overall I like this different perspective of Fisher during this heist.
 

Bay

6,381
Posts
17
Years
I do like the scene where Seven shatters the mirror and then says, "I'll be human" to showcase her conflict whether to be Pokemon or human. And yeah, don't think the White Knights would accept her after what happened. Looks like the heist is more or less finished, looking forward to seeing the aftermath.
 

Bay

6,381
Posts
17
Years
Seven's illusion exposed and her being unconscious for five days, welp things went downhill for her there for a moment. Fisher doesn't look too happy there either. I'm curious to Giovanni's reaction in the upcoming meeting, though I think I remember he was aware/has a hunch over Seven's true identity? Either way, the upcoming meeting should be interesting.
 

Bay

6,381
Posts
17
Years
Interesting gathering with Bruno and his friends there. Each one seems to have their own interests and hobbies there. I like the details over how Bruno can sense the color of everyone's souls, him being a Lucario and all. Yeah, he does sound a bit lovestruck over Seven there, poor him.
 

Bay

6,381
Posts
17
Years
Ah, so Giovanni makes a bargin with Seven, and this mission looks to be more wild than the last one. Giovanni wanting to promote Seven to admin was also a bit of surprise there. I do like their conversation concerning what Seven wants.

One minor thing, I noticed you referenced Giovanni's green eyes several times. One or two mentions of his color is fine, otherwise don't think you need to stress that detail out often.
 
Back
Top