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[Pokémon] Challenger: Return to Kanto. A highly fictionalised Nuzlocke Novel! *Complete*

65
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  • Seen Sep 28, 2023
Chapter Eleven - Negotiation

Spoiler:


Okay because I have a lot on at the moment I'm going to take a two week break before the next chapter is released. I hope anyone who's reading this story is enjoying it so far!
 
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Bay

6,381
Posts
17
Years
I see you brought back Mega Evolution there and have Leaf get that Cubone, but her being captured is not good. Agatha I get she's gone from that explosion in SS Anne, Phoebe's death though is less expected (though I should have with stuff happening in Hoenn in the background).

Well, the next chapter things went down south fast. While the poison is expected, I suspect Archer switched the drinks or something to have Giovanni take the hit instead of Blue there. Wally and two of Leaf's Pokemon gone there, oh dear. At least Fin evolved (though I'm afraid how I'll react if he's gone too lol).
 
65
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9
Years
  • Seen Sep 28, 2023
Chapter Twelve - Survivors​


Spoiler:
 

Bay

6,381
Posts
17
Years
The battle with Leaf and Courtney has some interesting stuff going on there, especially with Courtney using evolution stones there. While I thought it was great Dino evolved, I feel bad Fin died and his death seems to be overshadowed a bit after Dino's evolution.
 
65
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9
Years
  • Seen Sep 28, 2023
Chapter Thirteen - The Heiko Alliance


Spoiler:
 

Bay

6,381
Posts
17
Years
I like Koga and Leaf's battle there. It's been a while since I played the first and second gen games, but I think your Koga is interesting. I like his reaction to Snorlax suffocating his Machamp (him saying ungraceful lol). There are also cool stuff like Spurt able to defeat his Arbok and Club evolving.
 
65
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9
Years
  • Seen Sep 28, 2023
Chapter Fourteen - All Out War


Spoiler:
 
65
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9
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  • Seen Sep 28, 2023
Chapter Fifteen - Past and Present


Spoiler:
 

Bay

6,381
Posts
17
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So, the news Blue being Giovanni's son I'm kinda mixed about. You have his backstory have him helped Oak defeat Lord Raven and marry Oak's daughter, only for him to cheat on his wife. You're not winning points from me there, Giovanni. There's then him having a twin brother. I'm all for characters having relatives, but twin brother I'm not sure how to feel about that. Him also having Grey but only for him to perish during the Sliph Company battle was also in the left field.

Blue now referring himself to Okaido I'm going to have to get used to.
 
65
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9
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  • Seen Sep 28, 2023
Hey Bay!

I'm all for people to be divisive about certain plot decisions I've made because I am going against the lore in places haha. Just want to make clear the reasoning on him having a twin brother though, is that it is actually in the lore! In the Manga he is shown to have a twin brother so I chose to implement it here. Grey is also a character from the manga that I decided to take forward :)
 
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65
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9
Years
  • Seen Sep 28, 2023
Chapter Sixteen - The Last Angel

Spoiler:
 
65
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9
Years
  • Seen Sep 28, 2023
Chapter Seventeen - Where It All Began


Spoiler:
 

Bay

6,381
Posts
17
Years
Over Giovanni having a twin, oh I didn't realize that since I'm not familar with the manga. Okay, haha!

Sixteen
I admit, I didn't expect Mega Moltres there. Usually I'm not a fan of made up Mega Evolution/forms/etc, but since the theme of your stories are having Mega Evolutions not being a good thing this works. Lyra's actions there I did feel is overdramatic with the Servants and all of Cinnabar gone, don't know how I'll feel with her using Mewtwo.

The reveal of Erik being the experiment made me realize how much he has been offscreen. Leaf has a lot of development in this story, I wonder how Erik will act now since this story is coming to an end.

Seventeen
Speaking of Erik, not sure how I feel about him being brainwashed or whatever's going on. While Hosiko gone is tragic and you doing your take on Mega Evoluiton, I guess it's more like I was used to Erik being the protagonist when I was reading the first Challenger story and then him now is a big whiplash there. Courtney and the real Giovanni gone, things will take a different turn for sure.
 
65
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9
Years
  • Seen Sep 28, 2023
Chapter Eighteen - The Tamer


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65
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9
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  • Seen Sep 28, 2023
Chapter Nineteen - Fate

Spoiler:
 
65
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9
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  • Seen Sep 28, 2023
Chapter Twenty - Sacrifice
Spoiler:




The Challenger trilogy will be concluded in book three, "Silver's Redemption". Estimated first chapter release of Summer 2018.
 

Bay

6,381
Posts
17
Years
All right, so I already read the last three chapters when you asked me to look over it, but I haven't gotten a chance to really say my full thoughts on them. I admit some details are now fuzzy so I had to recheck some parts.

I admit, I already expected Gabby and Ty to pull that stunt there. They just feel like they would rather be on the good side and such. What stood out to me the most during Lance and Leaf's battle is some stuff that Venom did, like with Sleep Powder. Too bad it didn't stand a chance against Dragonite.

I already joked this to you, but yeah Blue and Leaf did went a bit too long with that speech there to be honest. But anyways, while the arena changing does makes the battlefield more interesting, I admit sometimes on occasion I had to remind myself which arena is being used next.

"No," Leaf whispered. "After all this time." She leaned forward and pressed her hands on her podium for support. "The one thing that has kept my Club going hasn't been a quest for vengeance or a desire for revenge," she said in realisation. "The defeat of her mother broke her, but it wasn't her willpower or her anger that caused her to get back up and keep fighting." She watched as the Alakazam pressed its hands to her Marowak's skull. For a moment Club seemed to regain sight as she stared straight at her trainer with tear filled eyes. Then smiled.

"She's smiling," Leaf said and felt her own eyes fill with tears. "Because what kept her going wasn't vengeance. What picked her up wasn't a desire for revenge. What saved her from perpetual darkness wasn't her fight against Team Rocket. It was me. Because I became her new mother. She wanted to fight for me. She's smiling to say thank you." Tears streamed down Leaf's face as the light faded from Club's eyes and the Marowak passed from this life to join her real mother in the next.

I probably forgot to mention this when looking this chapter over. While I think this scene is bittersweet, I feel you can shorten Leaf's dialog here, like for instance in the second paragraph she doesn't have to mention revenge again.

Okay, now to the last chapter. I'll admit rampaging Mewtwo isn't my favorite interpretation of it even though you have it Mega Evolved there. I guess because of how Mega Mewtwo killing everyone in sight is more overkill (no pun intended lol) than anything, and why I felt Leaf and Club's scene I pointed earlier is more emotional than her or Dino's sacrifice. But that's just my taste/preference here and I don't expect you to change Mewtwo to be sunshine and daises for your story. Erik and Silver's stuff seems unresolved, but you mentioned there will be another story, so I'm curious how you'll wrap up their arcs there. Still, this has been fun helping you out with this story and looking forward to the next one, whether if I'll be also to help or as a causal reader!
 
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