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  #2976    
Old July 25th, 2012 (2:17 PM).
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Originally Posted by Retro Bug View Post
Alright, so I just got my roommate for university. I'm slightly worried about how I should I should tell him I'm gay. Should I just straight up tell him? Or wait 'til he asks or it gets brought up? Or? I just need a new perspective because I'm sure I'm over thinking this.
If you are able to contact him on Facebook to chat and things that would be a good step to assess what to do.

But I would recommend mentioning it, casually, before properly moving in (or soon after) just so it is easier to fix if needed.

This is why I'm glad it's not the norm for UK Universities to share rooms! Awkward.

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  #2977    
Old July 25th, 2012 (3:19 PM).
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Do you know anything about him? Maybe you should wait and find out a few things about him, like where he's from, what he's studying, what his tastes are. All those kinds of things they usually collect from you before they assign you roommate (hopefully) so the ought to either send you some of their info or at least give you each other's emails or something so you can contact each other.

But if you don't get a chance to do all that then don't hide it. Be upfront. If it's a problem for him it'll be better to know right away so you can maybe switch roommates or something else. If he's okay then you'll save yourself some worry.
I don't know anything about him. The only question they asked is if you want to live with a smoker or not. I do have his email and I've found him on Facebook and messaged him. I guess I'll just wait to see if he responds or not. You're right, I shouldn't hide it it's better to be upfront because then I can see if I can change roommates and I'm not stuck with him the whole year.


Quote:
Originally Posted by SwiftSign View Post


If you are able to contact him on Facebook to chat and things that would be a good step to assess what to do.

But I would recommend mentioning it, casually, before properly moving in (or soon after) just so it is easier to fix if needed.

This is why I'm glad it's not the norm for UK Universities to share rooms! Awkward.
Yeah, I contacted him on Facebook but so far he hasn't messaged me back. If that continues I might email him because he might not use his Facebook anymore. I'll think of some way to slip it into a conversation that sounds best or just be out right with it.

Thank you for the responses.
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  #2978    
Old July 25th, 2012 (9:49 PM).
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odsjnsakdmdslk What an interestingly little predicament.

I couldn't really know what to do, either. While getting it out right away to make sure there isn't a problem is all fine and dandy as well as efficient, but the first thing out of your mouth to him shouldn't be:

"So, hi!"
"Hi. Looks like we'll be sharing a room!"
"I AM HOMOSEX PLZ DUN HATE."

You should probably get a bit cozier and friendlier before dropping the subject. Or, you could just test the waters WITHOUT telling him upfront. Find some way to weasel it into conversation, see how he reacts. Judging by his reaction, you can probably take it from there as far as switching rooms.
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  #2979    
Old July 25th, 2012 (10:54 PM). Edited July 25th, 2012 by Alice.
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I'm facing a similar problem. I'll have 3 roommates though, lol. In my case, most if not all of the school already knows, because there were so many people posting about the school's GSA on the school's facebook group, that we all ended up saying what our sexuality was. There's a lot of us. lol

Either way, I've never seen any of my roommates post in the group, so I don't know if any of them know, although most of the school does.

One of them just posted that chick-fil-a article, and seemed to be siding with chick-fil-a(it was sort of vague, so I can't really tell for sure.)... so that's not a good sign.
  #2980    
Old July 25th, 2012 (11:15 PM).
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If it were me, I would just tell him as it becomes relevant. I wouldn't go out of my way or try to work it into a conversation somehow, I'd just bring it up if it becomes relevant to your living situation or if you become close enough a friend that it's something he should know.

If you make a big deal out of it, then it's a big deal. If you don't let it be an issue and just let him get to know you first, then he'll see it won't impact on your living situation and when he does find out, I don't think it'll be an issue.
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  #2981    
Old July 26th, 2012 (12:08 AM).
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    I think it'd be better to wait for a while. A few weeks, maybe, until you get to know him. Then you can predict what his reaction will be. Based on that prediction, proceed to (not) tell him.
    Also, it's probably as many others said, if you make a big deal out of it, it will be a big deal.

    As for your case, Quilava King, coming out to 3 roommates... I don't think it'll be easy at all :\ But if, as you said, a lot of people already know, then I guess you don't have to say anything.

    But, just to ask a question to both Retro Bug & Quilava King: Why do you want to come out to your roommates? They don't really have to know, do they?
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      #2982    
    Old July 26th, 2012 (2:23 AM).
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    I think it's probably about living honestly. Why would they want to walk around hiding in the closet while in college?

    That's why my advice is don't go out of your way to tell them, but don't make an effort to hide it either. Don't come out, just passively be out.
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      #2983    
    Old July 26th, 2012 (5:37 AM).
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      Quote:
      Originally Posted by Shining Raichu View Post
      I think it's probably about living honestly. Why would they want to walk around hiding in the closet while in college?
      Well, why not? Not coming out means that everything'll stay the same, and coming out can bring some problems :\ That's just my opinion, though. I have some "coming out issues", so to say xD
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        #2984    
      Old July 26th, 2012 (6:50 AM).
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      Well while nobody should come out until they're ready, I wouldn't exactly support being closeted as a permanent way to live. I know coming out is hard and can cause problems, but if everything is staying the same because you're living a lie, then I think that comfort comes at much too high a cost.

      Even that aside though, college in particular is a time when people should be out there experiencing the fun of life and trying new things - and that is hard to do if you have secrets hindering you.
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        #2985    
      Old July 26th, 2012 (9:30 AM).
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      College is definitely a place where you should feel safe to be out. Colleges are generally very gay-friendly so it's good to be out and have that atmosphere of support around you.

      Andy makes a good point of just being out. That's probably the best thing you can do in 99% of cases. It's just that the whole college/roommate thing can have its own problems. Normally you would expect two people who have to live together to be able to tolerate each other even if they don't agree on anything, but for some people going away to college is their first time socializing/being on their own/interacting with people who are different. I could give at least a few weird examples. That's why I think it's good to know who you're rooming with while you still have the chance to change your living arrangements.
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        #2986    
      Old July 26th, 2012 (9:50 AM).
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        Quote:
        Originally Posted by Retro Bug View Post
        Alright, so I just got my roommate for university. I'm slightly worried about how I should I should tell him I'm gay. Should I just straight up tell him? Or wait 'til he asks or it gets brought up? Or? I just need a new perspective because I'm sure I'm over thinking this.
        Why do you have to tell him in the first place anyways? Your sexual preference isn't anyone else's business, really. If he's walking around naked and it makes you uncomfortable, just be like "hey dude, that's making me a bit uncomfortable" or whatever. If he brings up stuff about girls or whatnot, then yeah, feel free to share.. but I dunno.. I think it's weird that like one of the first things you'd bring up would be orientation- when there's so much else to talk about and connect with. Though if you want to tell him then go for it.
        I just don't think being gay is a big deal.. but I do see how it can worry you. If you want to open up and come out to him do it. If he doesn't accept you, then hopefully you can find another roommate.
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          #2987    
        Old July 26th, 2012 (11:13 AM).
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          Quote:
          Originally Posted by Shining Raichu View Post
          Well while nobody should come out until they're ready, I wouldn't exactly support being closeted as a permanent way to live.
          I don't know, it's not really that hard :\ Nobody has to know - IMHO someone knowing won't bring anything good - the fact will just spread and certain people will start avoiding you, maybe even attack you just because you're gay. Also, knowing the reactions I can and will get if I come out, it's really better to stay closeted forever and bury the emotions really, really deep.

          But for someone more open than I am, I think that you made a good point with the "passively being out". I think now that that's the best thing Retro & Quilava can do.
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            #2988    
          Old July 26th, 2012 (1:40 PM).
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          It's just about freedom for me. I want to be able to date who I want, and act how I want without worrying about what anyone else thinks of me. Besides, I've already come out several times, so I'm not really afraid of it anymore.
            #2989    
          Old July 27th, 2012 (9:34 PM).
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          Quote:
          Originally Posted by Kiyoshi the Polar Bear View Post
          odsjnsakdmdslk What an interestingly little predicament.

          I couldn't really know what to do, either. While getting it out right away to make sure there isn't a problem is all fine and dandy as well as efficient, but the first thing out of your mouth to him shouldn't be:

          "So, hi!"
          "Hi. Looks like we'll be sharing a room!"
          "I AM HOMOSEX PLZ DUN HATE."

          You should probably get a bit cozier and friendlier before dropping the subject. Or, you could just test the waters WITHOUT telling him upfront. Find some way to weasel it into conversation, see how he reacts. Judging by his reaction, you can probably take it from there as far as switching rooms.
          Ahaha, this made me laugh quite a bit. I think I might steal those lines. :P


          @ QuilavaKing Wow, three? Geeze I don't think I could handle that (in terms of how many people living together not coming out to three roommates.) have fun! Let me know how this turns out for you.

          @ LightningAlex I would have to agree with Shining it's just more about being out. I'm already out to all my other friends and stuff I don't want to have to come back to my dorm and feel like I need to hide part of myself.

          @ Kura I like this. I was discussing the issue with one of my close friends and they said something to the likes of "he has a right to know" so it just got me thinking about this. Does he have a right to know? Or doesn't he? It definitely won't be the first thing we discuss unless of course he asks me bluntly.
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            #2990    
          Old July 28th, 2012 (11:15 AM).
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          That's an interesting point, whether others have a right to know about your sexuality. I think we'd all agree no one has a right to know, but maybe as a courtesy it's something we shouldn't keep from people.
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            #2991    
          Old July 28th, 2012 (11:24 AM).
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          Quote:
          Originally Posted by Scarf View Post
          That's an interesting point, whether others have a right to know about your sexuality. I think we'd all agree no one has a right to know, but maybe as a courtesy it's something we shouldn't keep from people.
          Living with people I guess it would certainly make it easier to tell them, in case of bringing someone back to the room (with not-so-innocent intentions) but I wouldn't say anyone has a right to know.

          In my first year of uni I didn't actively tell any of the people I lived with, since I had my own room, so I let them make their own assumptions for the most part.
            #2992    
          Old July 28th, 2012 (11:48 AM).
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            What gives anyone the right to know, anyway? Just because he's living with you?
            Even if they have the right to know, they don't have to know. "I don't want to hide a part of me" isn't a reason if you're just being out (Not hiding it, but not mentioning it either). The only reason I can come up with for telling them is if you assume they're gay, too, and you're interested in him :\
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              #2993    
            Old July 30th, 2012 (8:04 AM).
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            Alex, do you have some issues you'd like to share with us? We can help you as well, you know

            You're making it seem like being gay is shameful and should be kept a secret unless it's absolutely necessary. I know the whole 'coming out' thing can be hard, but we're here if you ever have anything you wanna talk about.
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              #2994    
            Old July 30th, 2012 (8:52 AM).
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              Thanks a lot, Andy. It really means a lot to me that you guys are willing to help. I just, well, I don't have any issues. It's just that I live in such a community where I'd end up without friends getting beaten up every day if it leaked out that I'm gay :\ This may sound exaggerating, but I'm pretty sure my dad would kick me out of the house. That's how much religious my parents are. I have never, in my life, met a person who isn't homophobic. And I know a lot of people.
              So yeah, that's why I'm against coming out to anyone, ever. That's the way it is :\ Sorry for all this rambling...
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                #2995    
              Old July 30th, 2012 (10:16 AM).
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              Don't be sorry. You're living in a a not-very-ideal situation. We just worry that you're feeling bad about yourself for something that's nothing to be ashamed of. Good to know that isn't the case. Bad to know that your situation isn't so great. D:

              But, something to think about: people often say homophobic things because they don't know there are gay people around, because they think they're impressing their friends, or even because they themselves are gay and don't want anyone to suspect. What I mean to say is, although there are lots of practical reasons to stay in the closet, sometimes if you take a step out you'll find that it isn't as bad as it seems.

              I don't want to encourage you to tell everyone and their mother, but I think you'll find there are some people who would be understanding if you gave them a chance and if you could educate them a little.
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                #2996    
              Old July 30th, 2012 (2:27 PM).
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                I've talked about homosexuality with others. I never came out, but I'm openly defending homosexuals. Most of my friends and acquaintances really, really hate gay people. I tried educating them (Without going to far, I don't want to be suspicious), but to no avail. Their main argument is that "It's so wrong that two men are in love, and they should all die.".

                There are some who don't show such extreme hatred, but I'm not willing to take the risk and come out to them...

                Guys, it really means a lot to me that you're willing to help. Thank you so much for that. But I don't think anything can be done - it's not like I've been sitting all day and complaining about my situation. I've tried everything, from educating my friends to trying to find another homosexual person (But they're all probably as closeted as I am, if there are any...). I've learned to live like this by now (I'm 20), the only thing bothering me is that I can never get into any kind of relationship.

                Really, thank you again for listening to me and trying to help.
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                  #2997    
                Old July 30th, 2012 (5:54 PM).
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                No offence Alex but I think you need to get new friends if the ones you currently have openly hate gay people that much and going to the extent to say they should all die is really to harsh and way to far.

                You should not be scared to tell people about yourself, especially your sexuality. Being gay should not change the way people look at you at all, and if it does with your friends they obviously don't deserve to be known to you.

                Remember, you need to live your life for yourself, no one else. If the people around you cannot accept you being gay and they are the reason you're worried about having a relationship with someone you should really alleviate yourself of these people and find people who happily accept you. If you do this you will find much more happiness and will truly be able to be yourself which is something that I think you should do.

                Also about the roommate thing, though it is your choice if you tell them or not I think you should at least find out what they think about gay people, as if they are also haters your life could be rather difficult while living with them. You don't need to tell them that you personally are gay if you dont want to, just find out how they feel about gays, thats all.
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                  #2998    
                Old July 31st, 2012 (1:50 AM).
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                  In any other situation, you would be right, Careful. But my friends really aren't bad people - they were all just raised and taught to hate gay people. It's just the way it works here where I live.
                  The first and only attempt on a gay pride parade was 4 years ago. It ended in a matter of minutes, with bottles, firecrackers and other stuff getting thrown at the participants (Here's an article about that). With such a mind-polluting community, who wouldn't hate homosexuals?
                  As for the relationship thing, it's not that I don't have one because I'm scared of what my friends will think. It's because I don't know any gay persons, and I have no idea how to meet some :\ Ditching my friends won't really help me there.
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                    #2999    
                  Old July 31st, 2012 (6:41 AM).
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                  What CWP is doing is speaking idealistically. Nothing he said is wrong, it's just not really realistic for your situation. It's not as simple as "they don't accept me for who I am so I'll chuck them because they're not worth it" because in your current situation they are your only option.

                  So what I'd suggest is something more radical. Get out. Are you in college? If not, would you like to be? Just find somewhere far away to go to school, have an amazing college experience in a more accepting place and leave them all in your dust. You're never going to meet any gay people in that town; you need to get out and about and see that the world isn't really like that.
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                    #3000    
                  Old July 31st, 2012 (9:09 AM).
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                  I'm in a similar situation. I've never met another LGBT person in my life, and live in a fairly homophobic place. (Although probably not as bad as where you live.) Even though the college in the town I live in would be perfect for me, I insisted on leaving town (for a lot more reasons than just the homophobia... I made that decision before I even realized I wasn't straight.) Now I'm going to a college in Seattle, and everyone came out like it was no big deal on facebook while talking about the school's GSA, so I'm out before I even got there. lol
                   

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