[Pokémon] The Journey Through Kalos

Summary
Twin sisters Tracy and Trisha Blankenship decide to go on a journey through Kalos together. What kind of new challenges will they face? What other kinds of trainers will they meet along the way? Also, I'm going to try my best to follow the Pokemon X video game except for the gym battles they're going to be similar to the Anime.


Inside their bedroom in the home in Pallet Town, ten-year-old Tracy and Trisha Blankenship finish packing up their bags for their first pokemon journey. Tracy stuffs her toothbrush into her bulging bag and then picks up favorite pillow. After a few seconds of silence, she sighs and sets it aside. Meanwhile, Trisha is torn on which of her other flower crowns she should take. Tracy round blue eyes look over at her nightstand to see the envelope with her plane ticket to Kalos inside. She puts it in her jacket pocket before she zips up her backpack.

Tracy picks up her backpack. Her long blonde hair is pulled up into a ponytail. She lays it on top of her right shoulder before she puts her bag on her left shoulder.

Trisha walks over to them. She has her bag on her right shoulder. She is wearing a white flower crown in her long blonde hair, has it in braided pigtails and each braided lays perfectly over her shoulders.

"You ready to go little sister?" Tracy asks.

"You're only older than me by three minutes," Trisha says. " Yes, and I can't wait to get there. I heard that Kalos is gorgeous,"

They girls walk downstairs to see their parents Rob and Tamika standing at the bottom of the steps.

"Promise me that you'll look out of each other" Rob says worriedly.

"We will," The girls say.

"Your mother and I want to give you a gift to celebrate your new journey," Rob says tearfully.

He reaches into his jacket pocket, takes out two small boxes, and hands them to his daughters. Tracy opens hers and sees a necklace with a charm in the shape of Pikachu. Trisha opens hers and takes out a charm bracelet with a Pikachu charm on it as well.

"Thank you, mom and dad," The girls says.

"You're welcome," They say.

Tracy puts on her necklace while Trisha slides her charm bracelet on her left wrist.

"You two should get going. Professor Oak is waiting for you at the lab." Rob gently reminds them.

The girls hug their parents before racing out the door to Professor Oak's lab. They run past a few houses. They have big wooden decks in front of them and have a beautiful wooden porch swing on them as well. Ten minutes later, they walk up the stairs to the front door of the lab. Tracy rings the doorbell.

"Hello, girls," Professor Oak says politely.

"Hello Professor," They say.

He leads the girls to his office. Tracy and Trisha sit down in his office on the couch. Professor Oak walks in with a tray of refreshments.

"Thanks, Professor," Trisha says.

"You're welcome," Professor Oak says.

He sits down on the couch across from the girls. Everyone picks up a cup of tea.

"Are you girls positive that you don't want to travel through Kanto as your first journey," Professor Oak asks reluctantly.

"Yes, since last summer you let us be your assistants. We got to help you take care of all the Pokemon other Kanto Trainer caught." Tracy answers.

"So we have already seen all of the Pokemon you can catch here," Trisha adds as she interrupts her sister.

After they finished their tea, Professor Oak goes over to his desk and picks up two notebooks. He walks back over to them.

"I have a gift for the two of you as well," Professor Oak says, "Journals for you to chronicle your journey through Kalos."

"Thank you, professor," The girls say.

"Your welcome," He says.

The girls take them out of his hand and do their best to fit them into their already full backpacks. Professor Oak looks up at the clock on the wall and says, "You girls better get going you don't want to miss your flight,"

The girls nod and sprint out the room.

Not that bad, possibly a workable start to things. Could do with some more illustration of their possible conflict, as at present the conflict seems to mainly involve their Pokemon while they increasingly blur into one another and co-operate. Still, that could be an idea for developing their journey through Kalos.

Tracy looks over at her Pikachu; she nicknamed Quick Draw.

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Firstly, this name could possibly do with more explanation, as it's a bit quirky for a Pikachu. The Pikachu is a thing of Spearow? Otherwise, that should possibly be a comma rather than a semi-colon, or perhaps instead 'she had nicknamed it Quick Draw,' etc., as the section after the semi-colon needs some independence from what came before.

the Lab sad and board if you are not there

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'Bored,' but I suppose that the association of Pikachu with household objects might be worth taking further. Perhaps Pikachu planking? Planking Pikachu? Pinkachu? Anyway.

"We too, I hope that Froakie has the same personality as me," Trisha says.

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This should be either 'me,' or 'two,' coincidentally. This could be better if the sisters didn't come off mostly as blurring into one and being indistinct persons as things went forwards, so that distinction might be worth making. Since you're drawing on the mechanic, it might be amusing if trainers can take informal quizzes on their 'personality' compared to such creatures, if not strictly necessary but still.

Tracy helps her 'little sister' out when she tells Jade to use her Psychic attack to get Boom to stop.

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Psychic is a slightly advanced and powerful attack in some ways, it seems out of keeping to have it introduced like this at the start of a 'journey' story. It's a bit casual and unfocused for that, as well. If you want to demonstrate their basic competence, then you might want to use a less serious move, as it is it makes their journey seem slightly pointless.

"I see, you two want to re-experience what you two felt that day when you meet your Pikachu with your new partners," Professor Oak says.

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This is a bit strange, in a way. Pikachu isn't the conventional starter, and Professor Oak was supposed to give out Pikachu as a sort of punishment for being late, although this is in part to help preserve Pikachu's air of not being an ordinary Pokémon, but instead cute and slightly girly, although you could say that doing this through presenting it as an underdog is misleading. Which was a slightly uncalled-for cynical reference to an Eevee. Anyway, it seems slightly strange to call on the same person for such statements, perhaps if it was someone else - in any case, they aren't both Ash Ketchum, so you'll have to choose one and the other one can be a girl and they can pass as two girls. Throwing Pikachu around haphazardly can be problematic, however, especially one is told when it comes to birds and worms and their interactions, although the details of this might be somewhat hazy in realistically any situation.

AN: Mercy the Guardian of peace and protection, a writer on Quotev, owns Raven and her parents David and Clara. All of the Pokemon Characters are own by their respective companies. The only thing I own is my characters Tracy and Trisha Blankenship.


Walking through the airport, the girls overhear a black haired girl arguing with two adults. Trisha can't help herself and wanders closer.

"... and are you sure you want me to go to the Kalos region?" The girl asks nervously.

Trisha stops walking and turns around. Waving Tracy over. She keeps her ear to the group, however.

"Yes, Raven, your father and I feel it's time for you to leave Kanto and explore the world!" The older lady says.

"Your mom is right, honey. Besides, you've already seen most of the Kanto region. Don't you want to discover all that the Kalos region has to offer? I know traveling has been fun, but my job isn't going anywhere new, and you should see the world!" The man says.

"We both know you will make a wonderful Pokemon Trainer. You have a way with them, like an irresistible aura." The girl's mother says, her face curling into a smile.

"O-Okay. Thanks, mom, thanks, dad. I love you both." The girl says.

"Oh come here!" The mother exclaims before wrapping her little girl in a hug. "And don't forget to call us once you land in Lumiose City," she says before letting her daughter go.

"I won't," She replies, a little meekly.

Raven sits down in the chair near her. David and Clara walk up to Tracy and Trisha. Tracy nudges her sister in the ribs and whispers. "Trisha move,"

Trisha listens to her sister for the moment and steps to the side to let Clara and David walk by them. They head over to Raven to introduce themselves to her. Raven is nervously tapping her fingers on the arm of her chair. Her brown eyes scan the room. A few seconds later she sees Tracy and Trisha walking up to her.

"Hi. I'm Trisha Blankenship, and this is my sister Tracy. What's your name?" Trisha says.

"Raven Smith," Raven asks quietly.

"So, my sister and I live in Pallet town. Where are you from?" Tracy asks.

"Fuchsia City," Raven says a bit louder.

"That's cool, to the south there is a beach right?" Tracy asks.

"Yeah, I go there and play with one of the wild Pokemon that lives in the ocean," Raven says.

"I heard that Corsola lives around there, right?" Tracy asks.

'Yes, and they are super cute," Raven says.

"What other Pokemon do you think are cute?" Tracy asks.

"Eevee and Pikachu," Raven says.

"That's cool," Tracy says.

Raven glances over at Trisha before she looks back at Tracy and says, "Oh, you are twins, I didn't even notice that till just now. Which one of you is older?"

"Tracy is be three minutes," Trisha says.

"Yeah, we try our best not to dress alike, or wear our hair the same way, too," Tracy says.

"I like tricking people, but Tracy says it's rude, so we stopped doing by the time we were eight," Trisha says.

"Would you like to sit with us on the plane," Tracy asks.

"Yes, I'd like that a lot," Raven says.

The girls are about to sit down when they hear one of the workers say over the PA, "Fight 365 to Kalos is now boarding,"

"Wow that was fast," Raven says.

"Well, let's get going," Tracy says.

The girls take out their tickets as they walk over to the gate. They take turns handing their tickets to the worker and walk down the tunnel leading to the plane. They get on it; Tracy sees Raven nervously looking around to find the perfect place to sit. She smiles as she walks to the middle row of seats.

"Would you like the window seat?" Tracy asks.

"Yes, please," Raven says politely.

Tracy takes a few steps back so Raven can walk down to her seat. Tracy sits next her while Trisha sits in the seat behind her sister. A few seconds Raven hears Tracy nervously tapping her fingers on the armrest.

"Are you nervous about flying?" Raven asks.

"No, I just realized that we never got a map to find Professor Sycamore's lab. How are we supposed to get our starters when we don't know where the lab is?" Tracy says.

"I guess we'll have to find someone and ask for directions," Raven suggests.

"Or we could just wing it," Trisha says.

"We're not going to do that. It's way to dangerous," Tracy snaps.

"Fine, we'll ask for directions," Trisha sighs.

"Do you think I could come with you two on your journey?" Raven blurts.

"Sure, traveling with a new friend will make this journey even more fun," Trisha says.

"Yeah, the more, the merrier," Tracy agrees.

"Great," Raven says smiling.

AN: ChibiSaph27, who is an author on Fanfiction, owns the character, Ally Harmonia.


An hour later the girls get off the plane. They go to the lobby and find a video phone so Raven can call her parents. She dials the number. It rings three times before David and Clara's faces appear on the screen.

"Hi, mom," Raven says.

"Hi, Sweetie, I see you've made some new friends," Clara says.

"Yeah, this is Tracy and Trisha. They are new trainers too," Raven says.

"Yes, and I'm sorry that we eavesdropped on your conversation before," Tracy says.

"That's alright, you two were just curious that's all," Clara says.

"We did make a bit a scene too," David adds.

"Raven, I'm glad you've made some new friends and arrived safely. It's about lunch time here so; we have to go," Clara says.

"Okay, mom," Raven says.

"Good luck on your journey girls and safe travels," David says.

"Thanks," The girls says.

Raven hangs up. They walk outside their eyes widen seeing all the tall buildings. They start to walk around and see a few new Pokemon along the way. The first is a one that looks like a yoga instructor. The next one looks like a poodle. The last one's body is yellow with black stripes on its neck horns and tail, a red orb on the middle of its head, and stands on two legs.

Trisha runs ahead and bumps into a girl with long mint green hair and vibrant emerald eyes. Her violin case falls out of her hand as they hit the ground. Raven and Tracy run up to them. Raven helps Trisha up.

"I'm sorry about my sister; she got excited." Tracy apologizes as she helps the girl up.

She hands the violin case back to her.

"It's okay. I'm Ally Harmonia by the way," Ally says.

"I'm Tracy Blankenship. You've kind of already met my twin sister Trisha." Tracy says.

"I'm Raven Smith," Raven whispers.

"Ally, would you happen to know the way to Professor Sycamore's lab?" Tracy asks.

"Yes, I do, I can show you the way if you like," Ally answers.

"That would be great thank you," Tracy says.

"You're welcome," Ally says.

Meanwhile, at the lab, Professor Sycamore is getting ready for the new trainers to arrive. He picks up three Pokedexs along with fifteen extra pokeballs and puts them in his lab coat pocket. He leaves his office and hears the front door to the lab open. He turns towards the sound and see the group walk inside.

"Hello, Professor Sycamore, sir, are you here," Tracy asks.

"Yes, I'm up here," Professor Sycamore says.

The group turns to their left to see a middle-aged man standing at the top of the stairs. Tracy and Raven anxiously wait as he slowly walk down the stairs and come us to them.

"Are all four of you starting your journey today?" Professor Sycamore asks.

"No, I was just showing them the way," Ally answers. "I already have a few pokemon,"

"We liked to pick out partners now," Trisha says eagerly.

"Trisha that wasn't very nice - you could have said please. I'm sorry about my twin sister Professor. I'm Tracy, by the way." Tracy says.

"It's alright. I can tell Trisha is very impulsive," Professor Sycamore says.

"That's right, so could we meet our new partners now, please," Tracy asks politely.

"Of course, come on out everyone," Professor Sycamore says.

The three starters run up from the hallway to the left of the group. They stop in front of him. The first has pale yellow fur. Tufts of dark orange fur cover the insides of its large ears, and it has a white muzzle with longer fur on its cheeks. The second one has light blue skin, white hands, and a dark blue stripe from the center of its oval head to its nose. The last one has a light brown fur down the front of its body with dark brown arms and three triangular markings on its face.

"Wow, they're all so cute," Raven says.

"Yeah, I know, this is going to be tougher than I thought," Tracy says.

"Well, girls, I'd like you to meet Fennekin, Froakie, and Chespin - the three starter pokemon every new trainer in the Kalos region gets to pick from, which one of them is going to be your new partner?" Professor Sycamore says.

"I'll go first," Trisha says proudly.

Trisha's sudden outburst causes Chespin to jump. It runs over to a potted plant, and ducks behind it.Fennekin walks over to Trisha and starts to growl at her.

Wow, I like Fennekin already, Tracy thinks.

"It looks Fennekin is scold Trisha for scaring Chespin," Ally says.

"Yeah, I think I know which one is going to be my partner," Tracy says.

When Fennekin hears what Tracy said it stops and turns around to face her. Tracy sees it large, dark orange eyes start to sparkle. Then it jumps into the air. Tracy catches it in her arms.

"Well, Fennekin, I'm Tracy, today you and I are going to be partners what do you say?" Tracy asks.

Fennekin nods.

"I've given my pokemon nicknames. It helped me create an even stronger bond of friendship between us," Ally says.

Tracy bends down and sets Fennekin down.

"I like that idea. I think I'm going to call you Flamdra. Do you like that name Fennekin?" Tracy asks.

Fennekin nods again.

"Now that's an excellent nickname for a female Fennekin, here is her Pokeball, along with five extra so you can catch more Pokemon to strengthen your team, and your Kalos region Pokedex," Professor Sycamore says.

"Thank you Professor Sycamore," Tracy says. She puts Flamdra into her ball "Flamdra, Let's do our best," she then both items into the outside pocket of her backpack.

"Who's next," Professor Sycamore asks.

Raven doesn't say anything as she leaves the group. She walks up the where Chespin is hiding. Chespin peaks its head out from behind the pot.

"Hello, Chespin, I'm Raven." Raven says. "Trisha started you huh?"

It whines and nods

Raven crouches down and starts to pet it.

"It's okay, sometimes loud noises scare me too," Raven says reassuringly. "I can help learn to control that fear."

Chespin slowly looks up at her and sees her soft reassuring smile. Raven sees its dark brown eyes widen and has a big smile on its face.

"Would you like to be my partner?" Raven asks."It is okay if I call you Chep?"

"Chespin," it cheers.

Raven stops petting Chep and they walk back over to the group. Professor Sycamore hands Chespin's Pokeball and the second Pokedex to her along with the next five Pokeballs.

"Thank you, Professor Sycamore, is Chep a boy or girl?" Raven says.

"Chep is a boy," Professor Sycamore answers.

"Well, Froakie, you and I are partners." Trisha says.

Froakie jumps high into the air and lands on Trisha's shoulder. Trisha smiles and says, "It looks like you and I both like to jump right into things, huh,"

"Froakie," It says confidently.

"I think I'll call you Wave, do you like that nickname?" Trisha asks.

Froakie nods. Professor Sycamore hands Trisha Wave's Pokeball, along with the last set of five pokeball, and Pokedex.

"Good luck on your journey girls. I'm only a phone call away if you need any advice," Professor Sycamore says.

"Don't worry we'll remember," Tracy says.

"You're welcome," Professor Sycamore says.

"Which direction should we head off from here so we can try to catch our first POkemon?" Trisha asks.

"Route 2 which is just over the bridge that is to the east of the lab. It has plenty of Pokemon for you to catch." Professor Sycamore answers.

"Thanks again for everything," Tracy says.

The group walks out of the lab after Trisha put Wave back inside his Pokeball.

"So, Ally, where are you headed?" Tracy asks.

"Actually," Ally says. "I wanted to tag along with you three,"

"You'd be great to have along since you'd be able to give us pointers," Raven says.

"Yeah, having one more person in the group could be fun, I'm in," Trisha says eagerly.

"Me too, welcome to the group Ally," Tracy agrees.

"Great," Ally says smiling.

Pika, I want to start off by suggesting that you add more...substance to your chapters. Dialogue and general exposition is very short, which doesn't give the audience much to go by. There's one line in particular that I pointed out below that highlights the lack of development. It's especially important since you are writing about twin sisters that are supposedly very different people. Also, it's doubly important that you give a lot of information to make this fan-fiction itself stick out, 'cause there are hundreds of journey stories; you have to make yours catch the reader's eye right from the get-go.

Aisu said:

Pika, I want to start off by suggesting that you add more...substance to your chapters. Dialogue and general exposition is very short, which doesn't give the audience much to go by. There's one line in particular that I pointed out below that highlights the lack of development. It's especially important since you are writing about twin sisters that are supposedly very different people. Also, it's doubly important that you give a lot of information to make this fan-fiction itself stick out, because there are hundreds of journey stories; you have to make yours catch the reader's eye right from the get-go.

Spoiler:

That comma should be a period


In this case, you should write out the number instead of just putting 8



I understand why you'd want to describe Sycamore's appearance, but in this instance where we (the readers) know what he looks like or can just Google it, it feels like extra reading



This is the line I mentioned earlier. I didn't see anything to make me think "Oh, she's an impulsive person" or even that she's particularly different from Tracy. You have to show it to us readers rather than just tell us.



I get that Sycamore knows that the fennekin's a female, but did Tracy?



This is also something you should show rather than tell. You have to be careful with giving information like that.



This is a serious question. What makes Tracy and Trisha so special that two Trainers, especially one that's already started her journey, want to join them?

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Thanks for your comments and as for Ally, the person who submitted her wanted her to be a traveling companion for the group.

Hey, so I thought I would check this story out and see what you got so far. I noticed you seem to gave the first chapter an overhaul after illumine commneted and seems you also made some changes after Aisu's review. After reading the first three chapters I do agree with Aisu that a bit more substance could be made. I'll admit I don't think I'll give a lot of examples on how you can do that as it's hard for me to describe, but I'll try my best.

From the first two chapters, I do noticed you described a lot on the looks and clothing of the family. Describing the twins is fine for the most part, but the parents unncessary. However, after Aisu's mention of the description of Professor Sycamore you fixed that already. I also noticed at the first few chapters you got the dialogue punctuation all over the place, but the latest chapter you seem to got it down to pat now.

"Are you girls positive that you don't want to travel trough Kanto as your first journey," Professor Oak asks reluctantly.

The girls answer him with a confident nod. After they finished their tea, Professor Oak goes over to his desk and picks up two notebooks. He walks back over to them.

"I have a gift for the two of you as well," Professor Oak says, "Journals for you to chronicle your journey through Kalos."

"Thank you, professor," The girls say.

"Your welcome," He says.

Click to expand...

For this particular part, I do feel you can put a bit more body language there. For instance, Oak frowning or raising an eyebrow when he asked the girls if they're sure about Kalos. He would probably smile also when he said "you're welcome" to them.

Tracy takes a few steps back so Raven can walk down to her seat. Tracy sits next her while Trisha sits in the seat behind her sister. A few seconds Raven hears Tracy nervously tapping her fingers on the armrest.

"Are you nervous about flying?" Raven asks.

"No, I just realized that we never got a map to find Professor Sycamore's lab. How are we supposed to get our starters when we don't know where the lab is?" Tracy says.

Click to expand...

You're capable of writing out reactions and body language like that and I would like to see more of that in your writing.

"No, I was just showing them the way," Ally answers. "I already have a few pokemon,"

"We liked to pick out partners now," Trisha says eagerly.

"Trisha that wasn't very nice - you could have said please. I'm sorry about my twin sister Professor. I'm Tracy, by the way." Tracy says.

"It's alright. I can tell Trisha is very inpulsive," Professor Sycamore says.

Click to expand...

I see you fixed this part from Aisu's suggestion, but I think there should be some body language/reaction from Professor Sycamore. If he was annoyed, he should sigh. If he's not that mad, then a chuckle from him. Something like that.

From what you got so far, I do think Aisu has a point that you need to set your journey story apart. Usually I don't mind if it takes a couple chapters to get the story going and you don't to do something huge immeditely to grab attention, but so far things seem to go a bit too slow for my liking. Having it featuring twins does have potential, but it'll all depend on the execution. I do wonder why the girls wanted to go through Kalos instead of Kanto, which probably the girls could explain to Oak in the first chapter. Besides that, I too worry how you'll manage Raven and Ally too (even though you mentioned you've already gotten permission to use them). I would also suggest setting the twins apart. You're getting there with Trisha being the more implusive one, but I think you plan to develop them more as the story goes further along.

While I feel it's a bit vague what direction you'll go with this story, I do think you'll be able to make this one interesting with a bit more effort on stuff like reactions and body language. I do wish you luck on future chapters!

Thanks for your feedback. I appreciate it.

Bay Alexison said:

Hey, so I thought I would check this story out and see what you got so far. I noticed you seem to gave the first chapter an overhaul after illumine commneted and seems you also made some changes after Aisu's review. After reading the first three chapters I do agree with Aisu that a bit more substance could be made. I'll admit I don't think I'll give a lot of examples on how you can do that as it's hard for me to describe, but I'll try my best.

From the first two chapters, I do noticed you described a lot on the looks and clothing of the family. Describing the twins is fine for the most part, but the parents unncessary. However, after Aisu's mention of the description of Professor Sycamore you fixed that already. I also noticed at the first few chapters you got the dialogue punctuation all over the place, but the latest chapter you seem to got it down to pat now.






For this particular part, I do feel you can put a bit more body language there. For instance, Oak frowning or raising an eyebrow when he asked the girls if they're sure about Kalos. He would probably smile also when he said "you're welcome" to them.



You're capable of writing out reactions and body language like that and I would like to see more of that in your writing.



I see you fixed this part from Aisu's suggestion, but I think there should be some body language/reaction from Professor Sycamore. If he was annoyed, he should sigh. If he's not that mad, then a chuckle from him. Something like that.

From what you got so far, I do think Aisu has a point that you need to set your journey story apart. Usually I don't mind if it takes a couple chapters to get the story going and you don't to do something huge immeditely to grab attention, but so far things seem to go a bit too slow for my liking. Having it featuring twins does have potential, but it'll all depend on the execution. I do wonder why the girls wanted to go through Kalos instead of Kanto, which probably the girls could explain to Oak in the first chapter. Besides that, I too worry how you'll manage Raven and Ally too (even though you mentioned you've already gotten permission to use them). I would also suggest setting the twins apart. You're getting there with Trisha being the more implusive one, but I think you plan to develop them more as the story goes further along.

While I feel it's a bit vague what direction you'll go with this story, I do think you'll be able to make this one interesting with a bit more effort on stuff like reactions and body language. I do wish you luck on future chapters!

Click to expand...

AN: The charter Lizzy belongs to ShadowForce10 a writer on Quotev. Also, all credit for the Pokédex entries goes to Serebii dot net.

The group walks across the bridge and sees the route Two sign. The first they see is another trainer with albino white hair in a high ponytail wearing blue jeans, a gray tank top, and a black hoodie is in the middle of battling a Pidgey with her Eevee.

"Wow, I can't believe that Pidgey is found here," Trisha gasps.

"Yeah, I thought they are only found back home in Kanto," Tracy says in amazement.

"Where did she get that Eevee," Raven squeals happily.

The group watches the battle. The trainer commands Eevee to use Swift. They see Eevee jump into the air then release a barrage of stars towards Pidgey. The bird plummets, so the trainer tells Eevee to use Quick Attack. Eevee dashes forward, light erupting behind it as it, pins its opponent to the ground. Eevee retreats to the trainer and watches the tiny bird struggles to stand.

"Good job, Eevee. Poké Ball Go," The trainer says.

Everyone watches the Poké ball hit the Pidgey. It turns into a blur of light as it goes inside. The ball shakes back in forth a few times before there was a puff of white sparkles and they hear a pinging sound. The Trainer walks over to it and places it inside her bag.

"Wow, that was so cool!" Trisha says as she tries hard not to scream.

"Thanks again, Eevee, now take a nice long rest." The trainer says while she puts Eevee back inside its Poke ball.

Trisha runs up to the trainer. Tracy tries to grab her sister's wrist to stop her, but all she grabs was a hand full of air. The Trainer hears the grass rustling, so she turns around to see Trisha running up.

"Hi, I'm Trisha, that was one amazing battle!" Trisha says.

"Thanks, my name is Lizzy," Lizzy whispers.

Lizzy quickly turns back around and runs off in a different direction. She runs down the route till she finds a place to rest.


Back with the group, they walk up to Trisha. Tracy quickly gives her sister a glare of disappointment.

"Trisha, you better not scare any of the wild Pokémon away," Tracy snaps.

"Relax, sis, I won't scare any of the Pokémon away," Trisha says confidently.

Right on cue, a Pokémon that looks like a rabbit appears in the path of grass a few steps away from them.

"See I told you," Trisha brags.

"It's just a coincidence, that's all," Tracy argues.

"Guys, that Pokémon is so cute," Raven says in awe.

"It sure is, I'd love to have it on my team," Tracy agrees.

"I do too, so who is going to get to catch it," Raven asks curiously.

"Since you saw it first, you get to catch it," Tracy answers politely.

"What is it,?" Trisha says as she pulls out her Pokédex and point it at the Pokémon,

A light flicks on as the picture of the pokemon flashes onto the screen. With a digital voice the device intones, "Bunnelby, the digging Pokémon. It uses it large ears to dig burrows."
"Okay, Chep, it's time for our first battle together," Raven says as she tosses Chep's Pokéball into the air.

Chep appears in front of the wild Bunnelby and waits for his trainer to give him a command.

"I don't know what moves Chap can use. How are we supposed to battle," Raven says.

"Just relax, point your Pokédex at him. It will tell you what moves, he can use," Ally informs.

Raven takes out her Pokédex and points it at Chep.

"The moves Chespin can use are: Tackle, Growl, and Vine Whip," Raven Pokédex says.

"Alright, Chep., let's start out with Tackle," Raven says.

Chep runs up to Bunnelby. It dodges Chep's Tackle by leaping into the air. Chep groans as he slides along the grass.

"Chep, are you okay," Raven says.

Chep gets up and nods to his trainer.

"Okay, try using Vine Whip to reel Bunnelby in then use Tackle one more time," Raven says.

Two green vines pop out from the side of Chep head as he jumps into the air. They fly over towards Bunnelby and wrap around its waist. Chep shifts his weight and Bunnelby is pulled back towards the ground. He runs up towards Bunnelby again. This time his Tackle attack hits, sending the Bunnelby flying. It slides along the ground and hits the ledge.

"Hurry up and throw a Poké Ball at it before it runs away," Ally says.

Raven takes a Poké Ball out of her bag a throws it the Bunnelby. The Pokeball bounces off the Bunnelby, opening up and drawing the pokemon inside. The pokeball lands on the ground, lights flashing as it rocks gently. The moment drags on, Trisha and Tracey hold their breath while Raven looks more and more worried with each passing second.

Suddenly the flashing stops and pokeball stops moving. Everyone is quiet for a second. Then Raven laughing, unable to keep quiet any more. She starts jumping from sheer joy.

"Yes! I did it!" She screams exuberantly, "I caught my first Pokemon!"

About a minute later Raven calms down. She turns and gives her Chespin a big smile, "Great Job, Chep, we won our first battle and have a new friend too," Raven says.

Chep runs up to Raven, and she puts him back inside his Poké ball. Then she lets Bunnelby out, and it hops right up to her. She bends down and pets it.

"Hello, Bunnelby, I'm Raven. Today, we going to good friends. Do you like the name, Hop?" Raven says.

It cheers happily in a feminine voice as she jumps up and down.

"It likes it," Tracy says.

"Sure looks that way. Welcome to the team, Hop." Raven says.

They continue through the grass, and a Pidgey appears in front of them.

"Who is going to catch this one?" Ally asks.

"I will go Flamdra," Tracy says.

Tracy points her Pokédex at Flamdra. It says, "The moves Fennekin is able to use are: Scratch, Ember and Tail Whip."

"Flamdra, use Ember," Tracy says.

Flamdra opens her mouth, and a small sphere of fire heads towards the wild Pidgey. After Flamdra's attack hits the groups sees it suddenly get surrounded by a circle of flames, and moans after it disappears.

"What just happened," Tracy asks.

"Ember has an added effect that sometimes can burn your opponent," Ally answers.

Pidgey hits Flamdra with a tackle attack. Then they see the circle of flames returns and hurt Pidgey again.

"Flamdra, let's give your Scratch attack at try," Tracy says.

Flamdra sprints up to Pidgey, Her claws turn white before she quickly slashes it. She runs back over to Tracy. Pidgey sways back and forth as it tries to stand up.

"Tracy, throw a Poké ball now," Ally suggests.

"Alright," Tracy says.

Tracy takes out one of her Poké balls and throws it towards Pidgey. Flandre cheers loudly after she sees the puff of sparkles and hears the triumphant music.

"Flamdra gained 21 experience points," Tracy's Pokédex announces.

Flamdra walks over to the Poké balls and picks it up. She goes over to Tracy and sets it down in front of her.

"Thanks, Flamdra," Tracy says.

After picking up Pidgey's Poké balls, she pets Flamdra to reward her on winning her first battle. Then puts her back inside her Poké balls and outs both inside the outside pocket of her bookbag.

"What nickname are you going to give your Pidgey?" Ally asks.

"Don't know, I'll give it one after we find a Pokemon Center to heal it," Tracy answers honestly.

=The Journey Through Kalos=

The group walks about ten more steps before another bird Pokémon appears in front of them. Trisha pushes her way through the group. She tosses Wave's Poké ball into the air.

"It, my turn to catch a Pokémon now," Trisha says.

She takes out her Pokédex, and it says, "The moves Froakie can use are: Bubble, Pound, and Growl," Then she points it at the wild pokemon in front of her. "Fletching, the Tiny Robin Pokémon, it's a very friendly Pokémon that likes to send signals to other Fletching with beautiful chirps and tail-feather movements,"

"Wave, let's start with Bubble," Trisha says.

Wave lunges forward a bit before opening his mouth, and a few bubbles fly out of his mouth. The Fletching flies to dodge it and dives back down and tackle Wave. He stumbles back and tries to regain his balance.

"Hang in there Wave," Trisha says encouragingly.

"Hurry up and counter attack while it's still close to Wave," Ally suggests.

"Wave, use Pound," Trisha says.

Wave quickly gets his footing then hits Fletching with his right front paw. Fletching is sent backward and slides along the ground.

"Nice work, Wave, let's try Bubble once more." Trisha cheers.

Fletching slowly gets to its feet. It sees Wave's attack coming towards it, but it was too tired to dodge and falls back down after the attack it. Trisha takes this as an opportunity to catch it, so throws one of her Poké Balls at it. Trisha and Wave cheer loudly as the Poké ball stops shaking and they hear the congratulatory music.


The group heads Aquacorde Town; they find a Potion shop. They see a man standing outside of it. They talk to him, and he gives each of them on Potion. They decide to check out the shop next to the Potion shop and walk inside.

"Hello, Ma'am is there a Pokémon Center in this town?" Tracy asks.

"No, but I can heal your Pokémon," the woman says.

"Thank you," Tracy says.

After the woman heals their Pokémon, Tracy lets Pidgey out.

"Hello, Pidgey, I'm Tracy. How'd you like to travel with me through Kalos." Tracy asks.

Pidgey starts to chirp happily.

"I notice that your feathers are a light brown, that means your a girl. Do you like the name Skyla?" Tracy asks.

Pidgey flies up to Tracy and lands on her shoulder. Pidgey nuzzles her cheek and Tracy starts to chuckle.

"I guess that means you like it," Tracy chuckles.

Tracy takes out Skyla's Poké Ball and puts her away.

"Welcome aboard Skyla," Tracy says with a smile, as she puts Skyla's Poké Ball back into her bag.

Trisha lets her Fletchling out.

"Hi, Fletching, I'm your trainer Trisha. I like the name Robbie, what about you?" Trisha asks.

Fletching flies in a circle chirping happily. After he calmed down, Trisha takes out Robbie's Poké Ball and puts him inside it.

"Robbie, it is, now let's train hard and beat the first gym," Trisha says.

The group watches the battle. The trainer tells, Eevee to use Swift. They see Eevee jump into the air. Before a bunch of stars fly towards Pidgey. It drops low enough to the ground, so the trainer tells Eevee to use Quick Attack. Eevee has a line of white light behind it as it runs up to Pidgey. Eevee walks over to the trainer and watches the tiny bird struggles to stand.

Click to expand...

I feel the sentence structure in this part is very weird, mainly the placements on the commas and periods. Having the punctuation changed a bit like this will make this paragraph flow better.

The group watches the battle. The trainer tells Eevee to use Swift. They see Eevee jump into the air before a bunch of stars fly towards Pidgey. It drops low enough to the ground, so the trainer tells Eevee to use Quick Attack. Eevee has a line of white light behind it as it runs up to Pidgey. Eevee walks over to the trainer and watches the tiny bird struggles to stand.

One other suggestion is perhaps rewrite the last two sentences to switch up the writing style a bit. Notice how also I changed the verb "walk" to "bounce" to give the action a bit more flavor.

"Eevee has a line of white light behind it as it runs up to Pidgey, slamming its opponent to the ground. The Pokemon bounces back to its trainer and watches the tiny bird struggle to stand."

Back with the group, they walk up to Trisha. Tracy wants to snap at her, but a Pokémon that looks like a rabbit appears in the path of grass a few steps away from them.

Click to expand...

You could probably mention Tracy glaring at Trisha to show she was angry/disappointed. Besides that, this could have been a perfect oppurtunity for some character development there before the girls got distracted.

Flamdra opens her mouth, and a small sphere of fire heads towards the wild Pidgey. After Flamdra's attack hits the groups sees it suddenly get surrounded by a circle of flames, surround Pidgey. It moans after it disappears.

Click to expand...

You already mention the Pidgey being surrounded by flames, so bolded part isn't needed.

Fletching slowly gets to its feet. It sees Wave's attack coming towards it, but it was too tired to dodge. It falls back down after the attack it, Trisha takes this as an opportunity to catch it. She throws one of her Poké Balls at it. Trisha and Wave cheer loudly as the Poké ball stops shaking and they hear the congratulatory music.

Click to expand...

This paragraph too I think could use a bit more proofreading and mixing up the sentence structure a bit, like this:


Fletching slowly gets to its feet. It sees Wave's attack coming towards it, but it was too tired to dodge and falls down after being hit. Trisha takes this as an opportunity to catch it, so she throws one of her Poké Balls at it. Trisha and Wave cheer loudly as the Poké ball stops shaking and they hear the congratulatory music.

"No, but I can heal your Pokémon," The woman says.

"Thank you," Tracy says.

After the women healed their Pokémon, Tracy lets Pidgey out.

Click to expand...

First bolded part should be "the woman" with "the" not capitalized. Second bolded part "woman heals" since I think you only mentioned one woman and your story is in present tense.

While I think the Eevee battle could use some work, the one with Chespin and Bunnelby was written much better and I understood the actions better there. The battle with Froakie and Fletching wasn't too bad either. The Pidgey and Fennekin battle is a bit bare bones compared to the ones I mentioned, but guess it's understandable with Pidgey keeping being burned there. I thought it was weird the Pokedex saying experience points, though, probably not needed.

I'll admit, not much going on with this chapter except for the girls catching some Pokemon. We're a few chapters in already and no character development going on. As mentioned, Tracy confronting Trisha before being distracted could haven been a good oppurtunity for that. Other than that, I do hope you're make more effort to distinguish your main characters here as I'm worried they all will have the same personality.

I've found out that most people who submitted characters for the story. They all gave them the same personality. I'm not sure if they'd be okay if I changed their personality.

Bay Alexison said:

I feel the sentence structure in this part is very weird, mainly the placements on the commas and periods. Having the punctuation changed a bit like this will make this paragraph flow better.

The group watches the battle. The trainer tells Eevee to use Swift. They see Eevee jump into the air before a bunch of stars fly towards Pidgey. It drops low enough to the ground, so the trainer tells Eevee to use Quick Attack. Eevee has a line of white light behind it as it runs up to Pidgey. Eevee walks over to the trainer and watches the tiny bird struggles to stand.

One other suggestion is perhaps rewrite the last two sentences to switch up the writing style a bit. Notice how also I changed the verb "walk" to "bounce" to give the action a bit more flavor.

"Eevee has a line of white light behind it as it runs up to Pidgey, slamming its opponent to the ground. The Pokemon bounces back to its trainer and watches the tiny bird struggle to stand."



You could probably mention Tracy glaring at Trisha to show she was angry/disappointed. Besides that, this could have been a perfect oppurtunity for some character development there before the girls got distracted.




You already mention the Pidgey being surrounded by flames, so bolded part isn't needed.



This paragraph too I think could use a bit more proofreading and mixing up the sentence structure a bit, like this:


Fletching slowly gets to its feet. It sees Wave's attack coming towards it, but it was too tired to dodge and falls down after being hit. Trisha takes this as an opportunity to catch it, so she throws one of her Poké Balls at it. Trisha and Wave cheer loudly as the Poké ball stops shaking and they hear the congratulatory music.



First bolded part should be "the woman" with "the" not capitalized. Second bolded part "woman heals" since I think you only mentioned one woman and your story is in present tense.

While I think the Eevee battle could use some work, the one with Chespin and Bunnelby was written much better and I understood the actions better there. The battle with Froakie and Fletching wasn't too bad either. The Pidgey and Fennekin battle is a bit bare bones compared to the ones I mentioned, but guess it's understandable with Pidgey keeping being burned there. I thought it was weird the Pokedex saying experience points, though, probably not needed.

I'll admit, not much going on with this chapter except for the girls catching some Pokemon. We're a few chapters in already and no character development going on. As mentioned, Tracy confronting Trisha before being distracted could haven been a good oppurtunity for that. Other than that, I do hope you're make more effort to distinguish your main characters here as I'm worried they all will have the same personality.

Click to expand...

Pikafan5 said:

I've found out that most people who submitted characters for the story. They all gave them the same personality. I'm not sure if they'd be okay if I changed their personality.

Click to expand...

That can happen when you ask for/receive characters. I mean, you can ask for inserts, there's no real problem with that in itself, but the issue is that afterwards you have a handful of mismatched or carbon copy trainers that you have to either change the story for or change them.

Thanks for your feedback, but I'm afraid if I change their charter too much they won't read the story.

Aisu said:

That can happen when you ask for/receive characters. I mean, you can ask for inserts, there's no real problem with that in itself, but the issue is that afterwards you have a handful of mismatched or carbon copy trainers that you have to either change the story for or change them.

Click to expand...

Pikafan5 said:

Thanks for your feedback, but I'm afraid if I change their charter too much they won't read the story.

Click to expand...

I understand not wanting to change the characters personality as I was in the same boat before having a character from another story featured in my own (and having my characters being featured in their story too). However, I think the best way to go about this is to talk with the writers and discuss with them ways for their characters to be developed in your story. I did that with my friend and it worked fine. But yeah, perhaps see if you guys can exchange each others' skype, email, etc and set aside some time for brainstorming.

The people who submitted who is on fanfiction I've try to contact him/her on the site but is never online. The person who submitted Raven answers was and I quote 'I Don't Know."

Bay Alexison said:

I understand not wanting to change the characters personality as I was in the same boat before having a character from another story featured in my own (and having my characters being featured in their story too). However, I think the best way to go about this is to talk with the writers and discuss with them ways for their characters to be developed in your story. I did that with my friend and it worked fine. But yeah, perhaps see if you guys can exchange each others' skype, email, etc and set aside some time for brainstorming.

Click to expand...

Pikafan5 said:

The people who submitted who is on fanfiction I've try to contact him/her on the site but is never online. The person who submitted Raven answers was and I quote 'I Don't Know."

Click to expand...

Hm, if that's the case and you waited long enough for their reply (at least for one of them), then as Aisu said you probably have no choice but either change their personality or change the story. The folks that submitted their characters might not agree with your take on their characters, but you'll also run the risk of the readers unable to differentiate the characters.

Hi Pikafan5, It's Chibi! Yeah, you're actually better off doing it here rather than on FF. It also is easier to keep track of OCs this way :D

Gotcha

ChibiSaph27 said:

Hi Pikafan5, It's Chibi! Yeah, you're actually better off doing it here rather than on FF. It also is easier to keep track of OCs this way :D

Click to expand...

Chapter 5: Santalune Forest Separation


AN: The nicknames used in this chapter for one of the electric mouse Pokémon caught in the forest belong to Of Pen and Paper a writer on Pokécommunity. Again the credit for any Pokédex entries and attacks the Pokémon can use to Serebii dot net.

The group stands at the entrance to Santalune Forest. The girls caught a few more Pokémon on the way. Raven caught a Scatterbug she nicknamed Spin. Tracy caught a Bunnelby as well she nicknamed her's Bri. They walk inside, and Trisha immediately runs off into the forest.

"I'll see you guys at the exit," Trisha shouts.

"Trisha wait you could get lost," Tracy shouts back.

"Plus, you don't know what kind of Pokémon live here," Ally adds.

"Don't worry Wave and Robbie can protect me," Trisha reminds them.

"We still should stick together," Tracy argues.

Trisha doesn't say another word the others watch her fade from view.

"We have to find her before she gets hurt," Ally says.

"We will, and I hope one day she'll learn how her actions could end up putting her and her Pokémon in danger." Tracy sighs shaking her head.

The group starts walking then they spot a Poké ball on the ground. Tracy picks it up. "Why would someone just leave a Poké Ball on the ground like that."

"I don't know. Do you like a Pokémon could be inside it?" Raven asks.

"There only one way to find out," Ally says.

Tracy opens it, and they see three Potions inside. "Do you think someone lost these?"

"If someone did they'd come back for them already." Ally answers.

"Good point, why don't we each take one," Tracy suggests.

Ally and Raven each take one and put it into their bag. They turn left and carefully walked deeper into the forest. The first patch of grass they walk into a wild Pikachu with a heart shaped tail appears in front of them.

"I've always wanted a Pikachu." Tracy awws as her eyes start to sparkle at the electric mouse's cuteness.

"Me too," Raven adds with the same enthusiasm as Tracy.

"Who gets to catch it then," Ally questions slowly raising her eyebrow.

"Go ahead Raven," Tracy says stepping to her left.

"Thank you. Come on out Hop, " Raven says as she confidently takes out one of her Poké Balls and throws it into the air.

Hop stands in front of Pikachu waiting for her trainer to give her a command. The wild Pikachu turns around a waves its tail back and forth. Hop turns her head to the left confused about her opponent's last move.

"What move was that?" Raven asks rubbing her chin confused just like Hop.

"Yeah, I didn't think Pikachu used a move that makes itself look cute," Tracy adds.

"That was Tail Whip; your opponent wags it tail to look cute and lower your defense." Ally answers.

"Hang in there Hop; we'll fight fire with fire use Leer," Raven orders.

Hop stairs the Pikachu down but it stands tall. It leaps into the air and sends a thin bolt of electricity towards her. The group hears a crackling sound as Hop slowly gets to her feet.

"Hop, are you okay?" Raven asks, her voices starts to break as she tries to remain calm.

"Raven, relax that's just an add effect of Thundershock. Sometimes when it makes contact, it can paralyze the opponent." Ally informs.

"What do I do now," Raven asks.

"Remain calm, even if Hop is paralyzed she can still land and attack." Ally answers.

Raven takes a few deep breaths to calm down and focuses on the battle again."Okay Hop, Tackle,"

Hop jumps into the air. She slammed the wild Pikachu to the ground and went back over to Raven. She uses tackle two more times before the paralysis stopped her from being able to attack. Luckily it was weak enough for Raven to throw a Poké Ball at it.


"Please work," Raven whispers as she throws the Poké Ball towards Hop's opponent.

Hop is holding herself up with one paw watching the ball shake back and forth. Hop smiles when she sees the puff of white smoke before she collapses from her injuries. Raven runs over to her.

"You were great Hop," Raven says proudly.

She puts Hop back inside her Poké Ball then went over to pick up the one with her new teammate inside.

"Okay, Pikachu come one out," Raven says.

The Pikachu crosses it arms as Raven bends down to pick it up.

"Hi, Pikachu, I'm Raven. Would you like to come on my journey with me." Raven asks sweetly.

"Pika," Pikachu says as its nods seriously

"Good, the heart shaped tail means you're a girl. I think I'll call you Sparkle." Raven says.

Meanwhile with Trisha, she reaches a dead end and has to turn around. Instead of using Robbie to help her find the right way to go, she walks down the path and turns left. She gets about thirty steps then a wild Pansage appears in front of her. She takes out her Pokédex and points it at the Pokémon.

"Pansage, The grass monkey Pokémon. It sometimes shares the leaves on its head to other Pokémon. Some people have said their leaves can help relieve stress." The Pokédex says.

"Okay, Robbie I need your help," Trisha says tossing his Poké Ball in the air.

Robbie appears ready to battle the Pansage. Its paws turn white before it jumps and slashes Robbie. He spins down towards the ground and quickly flaps his wing up and down before letting out a frustrated chirp.

"Relax, Robbie. Fight Back use Tackle." Trisha orders.

Robbie does a loop-de-loop before slamming full force into his opponent. Pansage sways back and forth trying to steady itself.

"Robbie, tackle once more," Trisha says.

Robbie nods and repeats his last aerial maneuvers before hitting Pansage. She was about to throw a Poké Ball at it, but it faded away before she could.

"Aw, man, I wanted a grass type on my team," Trisha sighs.

She puts Robbie back inside his Poké Ball, and looks up with her Pokédex and sees that he was close to leveling up.

That's good; I hope that Robbie learns a flying type move when he levels up, Trisha thinks.

Back with the others, they ran into another wild Pikachu this one's tail has a straight edge.

"My turn to battle," Tracy says as she politely pushes her way to the front of the group.

She tosses Flamdra's Poké Ball in the air after she appears and hunches down in a defensive position ready to battle.

"Flamdra, Ember," Tracy orders.

Flamdra sends a small fire sphere towards the Pikachu. It dodges Flamdra's attack by quickly leaping into the air. Then it uses Thundershock.

"Flamdra, dodge then use scratch,"

Flamdra slides to her left before charging up and quickly slashes her opponent. "Don't give it time to recover, wear it down with an Ember barrage," Flamdra sends several fire spheres towards it. The electric mouse tries to dodge but is unable to get out of the way. Tracy tells Flamdra to stop when she sees the Pikachu trying to catch its breath.
"Good work, FLamdra. Poké Ball go," Tracy shouts.

Tracy throws the Poké Ball. The group cheers when they see it stop shaking. Flamdra runs over to the Poké Ball picks it up and carries it over to her Trainer. Tracy kneels down as Flamdra sets her newest catch down in front of her.

"Thanks, Flamdra," Tracy smiles.

Tracy puts her back inside her ball before letting her new team member out. Then takes out a potion and sprays it onto her newest Pokémon.

"Let's work hard together and win the Kalos League, How does that sound," Tracy asks.

The Pikachu leaps onto her shoulder and pumps his fist in the air.

"I'll take that as your in, Do you like the nickname Thunderfeilds?" Tracy questions.

It climbs onto her head and sends a Thunder Shock towards the sky.

"I guess that means he like it." Tracy chuckles.

Tracy takes him off her head and takes out his Poké Ball. He knocks it away with his tail. It rolls along the ground and stops in front of a tree.

"Why did he do that?" Raven asks.

"Professor Oak told me that some Pokémon don't like to be confined inside a Poké Ball. Okay, Thunderfields, you can stay outside with us," Tracy says calmly setting him down and petting him softly.

Raven walks over to the tree, picks up Thunderfields' Poké Ball. She gives to Tracy, and she puts it in her bag.

"Ally, do you know how to get out of here," Tracy asks.

'I'm afraid not; this is my first time here too," Ally answers honestly.

Thunderfields tugs on the end of Tracy's shorts. Tracy looks down and sees him frantically pointing towards himself.

"Guys, Thunderfields grew up in the forest. He knows the way out I say we trust him and let him lead the way." Tracy says confidently.

"What about Trisha?" Raven asks.

"I haven't forgotten about her after we find the way out. Thunderfields and I will go back in to find Trisha." Tracy answers.

An: I hate to do this to you guys, but I've decided to put this story on hold. I'm really stuck on a lot of things. I'm not sure how the next chapter should go or how things should progress. If anyone of you'd like to take over this story I'd be okay with that too. PM if you have any suggestions or of your intrested in writing it.