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Poetry My try at poetry

Started by _Mattypoo_ May 14th, 2017 6:33 PM
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  • 4 replies

_Mattypoo_

Male
Right Behind You
Seen June 3rd, 2019
Posted May 16th, 2017
27 posts
3.6 Years
I haven't posted here in ages, after I wrote myself into a corner with my last story. I tried my hand I poetry for the first time last week, and I thought I'd share it here. I was tasked with writing a "conquering fear" poem, a tribute poem, and a memory poem. Feel free to tell me what you think.

Self-Confidence
Spoiler:
Self-Confidence
You want to do so much
But try so little
Whenever there’s a task
You’re always noncommittal

How do you expect
To do well in life
When you never even try
Everything’s a strife

You need to have faith
Think when you try, you will
Because from here on out
There’s no more uphill!

And when the task is done
Look back and smile
Because you’ve tried something new
For the first time in a while.


To the Parents
Spoiler:
To the Parents
Our parents made our lives
The way they are today
They are a foundation
For us to grow in every way

They guide us through life
And we’re so grateful
To take that for granted
Would just be wasteful

Without them, we’re nothing
We wouldn’t even exist
And if they weren’t there
Life would be a hazy mist

So, what can we do
To repay our massive debt
They give us everything
And yet they have birthdays we seem to forget

To make our parents proud
We show them what they’ve raised
We go out into the world
Work hard in all the months, all the days.


The Play (I was most proud of this one)
Spoiler:
The Play
I climb onto the stage
Like a lion, I’m confident
Or maybe it’s because
I’m dressed like one in that moment

I’m a strong speaker
Affluent, everyone hears
Or maybe it’s because
I’m quoting Shakespeare

I’m ready for my line
I’ll be the star of the moment!
But waiting backstage
Feels like a cantonment

I’m finally on
The spotlight in my eyes!
Or maybe it’s because
On someone else it shines.

The show is over
“Too soon!” I cry
Or maybe it’s because
I can’t give it another try.

Mmmmhhhmmmm, delicious.

Vragon

Guest

Self-Confidence:
a b c b

To me personally, this poem seems to move over the topic of motivation more than the title per say. It was well written and creative rhymes and I liked it. (I have a thing for Poetry)


To the Parents:
a b c b

This was a nice poem with a good message (nice timing for Mothers Day). I do confess that the long endings in the second 'b' area did contribute in breaking the pace, I would say that extensions were worth their salt for message context.

The Play:
a b c b

This was my favorite definitely. It made me think that this is somewhat of a personal experience for you (correct me if I'm wrong, but it left that impression). It's nice that the poet in that enjoys being on stage, instead of having stage fright or lacking in care. This relates to me in a way, but I digress this was good.

I can see a nice system in your writing with the normal "a b c b" format. This format may be a norm, but it was well done, snapped to the rhythm, and worked well in flow. While there their issues, many famous poems share that minor stumbling block. After all it's the message that counts. I know that you probably weren't looking for a reply on the thread, but I wanted to at least tell of my thoughts and how I enjoyed your nice little read.

_Mattypoo_

Male
Right Behind You
Seen June 3rd, 2019
Posted May 16th, 2017
27 posts
3.6 Years
Thanks a lot for the reply! I always love getting feedback, especially when it comes to things I'm new with.

To me personally, this poem seems to move over the topic of motivation more than the title per say. It was well written and creative rhymes and I liked it.
I see what you mean. When I was writing this poem, I knew what I wanted, but it didn't come out quite right. I'll probably try another poem on this topic in the near future.

This was a nice poem with a good message (nice timing for Mothers Day). I do confess that the long endings in the second 'b' area did contribute in breaking the pace, I would say that extensions were worth their salt for message context.
I know exactly what you're talking about. It bothered me as well, but I really wanted to put something about forgetting birthdays. I couldn't really think of a way to make it shorter, so I just left it in. Thanks for the compliment :).

This was my favorite definitely. It made me think that this is somewhat of a personal experience for you (correct me if I'm wrong, but it left that impression). It's nice that the poet in that enjoys being on stage, instead of having stage fright or lacking in care. This relates to me in a way, but I digress this was good.
Thanks so much! This is definitely the poem I was most proud of. It is based on a personal experience from back in elementary school, but I tried to make it more vague, so it could fit in with the reader.

I can see a nice system in your writing with the normal "a b c b" format. This format may be a norm, but it was well done, snapped to the rhythm, and worked well in flow. While there their issues, many famous poems share that minor stumbling block. After all it's the message that counts. I know that you probably weren't looking for a reply on the thread, but I wanted to at least tell of my thoughts and how I enjoyed your nice little read.
Yeah, the "a b c b" format is usually what I fall back to when I can't think of anything else. I like it because of its simple, yet rhythmic flow. I definitely don't mind replies, because I'm always looking for ways to improve my writing. Thanks again for the feedback.

Mmmmhhhmmmm, delicious.

Ice

Seen 1 Week Ago
Posted February 25th, 2019
3,451 posts
5.3 Years
I quite like these. Especially Play is fun - although I like the other two too - because the way it plays around with the meaning of the sentences. It subverts every line. Your rhyme scheme consists of slant rhymes, which works really nicely, but then cantonment enters with an end rhyme, which flows weirdly because it's a break of that slant rhyme we see.

How aware are you of the rhythm in your pieces? Because while it's pretty consistent there are some lines that break the rhythm for me, that kinda stand out in the pieces. Commas for example, add this break during the reading that can throw off rhythm a bit. Luckily, in poetry, punctuation is entirely optional.

Some sentences also read like they're out of format with the rest of the poem, purely to fit the rhyme. The ending of To The Parents feels that way to me, for example.

_Mattypoo_

Male
Right Behind You
Seen June 3rd, 2019
Posted May 16th, 2017
27 posts
3.6 Years
Thanks for the feedback! I see exactly what you mean when you talk about breaking the rhythm. Like I said to Vragon, I just wasn't sure what to put in its place, so I left it in.
And when it comes to putting in sentences just for rhymes, I may or may not be guilty......
There were lines like "feels like a cantonment" that were there for that exact reason.

I do plan to write more poetry in the future, so hopefully I'll manage to fix my flow issues. Thanks again for the reply :)

Mmmmhhhmmmm, delicious.
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