Advertiser Content

Pokemon: Ultimate Destiny!

Started by .:AJ:. October 1st, 2004 4:54 PM
  • 1064 views
  • 3 replies

.:AJ:.

A Very Hungry Raichu

Age 28
On vacation. Good for meeeeeeee!!!!
Seen October 9th, 2004
Posted October 8th, 2004
14 posts
15.2 Years
EP. 01: Seaside Legend Rescue!

Waking up on a bright, sunny day in the world of Oceanside, trainer AJ (that's me!) gets dressed in his trunks and goes out surfing. The tides are up, so his mother warns him to stay near the shore. Thinking to the extreme, he goes out pretty far. He just got a brand-new Suicune type-8 surfboard, so he's very eager to push it to the limit. Once he paddled out far enough and got to the top of the wave, the wind and tide kick up, and, embarrassingly, he wipes out. His head, stuck in the sand, pops out and he hears a faint cry. AJ looks out far into the ocean, to find a lost and stranded baby Latias trying it's hardest to swim, AJ, being respectful to all Pokemon, goes out into the high tide to rescue the poor Pokemon. He suceeds, only to be wiped out at the last second. A few hours later, he wakes up, still holding the Latias. He quickly rushes to Prof. Maple's home and lab, and she fixes the Latias right up. Prof. Maple suggests that AJ takes that Latias with him to start a journey, and gives him a Pokedex and 5 Poke Balls. She also suggests that the Latias not be kept in a Poke Ball. AJ accepts, and also accepts goodbyes from the Capeview Town townsfolk. His journey has just begun, and the Latias will wake up to a trainer, and a new friend...
Tall trees? No problem!
Pineco chasing you just for the fun of it? PROBLEM!

--Member of the Castform Club--
--Member of The Latias and Latios Lovers' Club--



Mr Cat Dog

Frasier says it best

Age 29
Male
London, UK
Seen September 29th, 2017
Posted July 12th, 2017
11,342 posts
15.6 Years
Although Latias isn't normally used as a starter in trainer fics, you really should be careful that you don't overuse it, as it may turn out into your disadvantage with critics such as myself and LilyPichu. Anyways, to review:

Extremely short - all it was was just one long paragraph. It could have easily been expanded if you had added some form of description. Instead, it just seemed like a list of events that happened to the kid and Latias.

Grammatical errors were slim, but you did switch from past to present tense a lot of the time, and that can confuse readers such as myself, and it doesn't look good or professional to say the least.

I'm not sure how this fic is going to turn out to be perfectly honest... it could be a twisting turn of ever-chaning events, or a very predictable short story with not much to offer in terms of entertainment. It lies in your hands...

Obsidian Blade

She who likes cake.

Age 30
Female
In the soup dragon's cavern.
Seen November 13th, 2009
Posted October 27th, 2009
37 posts
15.1 Years
Although it could well turn out okay, this fic is far too short at the moment. You really need to work on filling out the chapter - just the surfing alone could have taken up a page or so, and you would have done well to really expand on the "saving Latias scene". Rather than just say "at the last minute he wiped out" try to make it seem like more of a struggle. Make it into a fight with the sea, it's so hard to get there and he's struggling like mad when SMACK! A massive wave throws him from his board. He struggles back to it, but the Pokmon he saw earlier is sinking beneath the surface, so he's going to have to get to it fast... Just draw it out as much as you can, after all, saving a legendary Pokmon shouldn't be such a cakewalk.

On the subject of legendaries and what Mr Cat Dog said about overusing Latias, you have to be careful. I, personally, am a big fan of Latias and think that having a baby one would be pretty neat in a fic, but others might not agree. Legendaries are quite often used as an excuse for making super-dooper trainers of doom (!!) so you must make sure you don't let yourself slide into that category. Why not make it so that Latias knows nothing much about fighting yet - she's just a baby, after all. Or maybe she can fight, but because she's young she's no expert. Of course, these are just quick things off the top of my head - I'm sure you could come up with something better with a bit of thought.

Make sure you don't make things seem so much like a list and good luck with the next chapter!
Advertiser Content