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Old 4 Weeks Ago (6:17 PM). Edited 4 Weeks Ago by Thecheatcodeweirdly.
Thecheatcodeweirdly Thecheatcodeweirdly is offline
     
    Join Date: Jun 2012
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    An age old fanfic I wrote when I was twelve. It was super edgy and most likely still is, so warning for excessive violence and light swearing.

    Prologue
    Spoiler:
    Long ago, man and Beast were considered equivalent. Through harnessing the ancient powers left behind by a forgotten civilization, humans could even the playing field between them and the monsters that plagued this dying world. Although the majority of humans agreed that they deserved such power, no one could agree on how to use it once obtained. Soon, allegiances were formed. Those that wanted to destroy the beasts, those who wanted to conquer land, and those who wished to monopolize these powers by profiting off of the teaching of harnessing.

    As the humans fought their petty wars and shouted their debates, more and more beasts would die. Eventually, only those powerful enough to survive their new rival, mankind, had lived on to spread their genes, consequently supercharging their evolution. Phoenixes with the traits of Lizards known to the colonizers of Kanto as the Charizard, Poisonous amphibians with the ability to grow plants off of it’s back known as the Venusaur, and worst of all, Blastoise, whose water cannons could wipe out entire cities.

    Cyrion tossed and turned within his sleep, lying upon a ship headed to The Kingdom of Unova. His snores only interrupted by his abrupt grunts; subconscious screams for help within his nightmare.

    He stood in heaven and spoke directly to Arceus.

    “This world is aflame, mortal one. You must go.” Cyrion knew exactly where Arceus spoke of. The kingdom of Kalos, a wicked city that refused to praise Arceus, the only Pokemon that refused to hurt humankind.

    Cyrion’s hair flowed in the path of the winds. Blood dripped from his hands as he stared into the unseen face of Arceus.With the drip of liquid of his hand, he turned and said a single word.

    “No.”

    Suddenly, the heavens began to rip apart. Piece by piece of the boat Cyrion road on was forged, his body thrown onto the deck. It was the middle of the sea, halfway to The Kingdom of Unova, when a violent tempest storm raged on. Clouds in the sky began to circle, birds fleeing in the opposite direction of the ship. Before Cyrion could warn his crewmates of the oncoming winds of death, a waterspout swirled in the distance, its winds so mighty that they reached the ship from far away. Cyrion stood in the wet drippings, looking up at the red horizon.

    This was a warning for his disobedience.

    The ship ripped apart piece by piece, the flesh and organs of his crewmates spiraled through the air as their corpses dropped into the sea below. Cyrion held onto a plank of wood for dear life as wreckage surrounded him.

    The wooden plank snatched out of his grip by the winds. Cyrion sunk down to his ears in the water and drowned as he struggled to stay above. ‘Please, don't let this be the end!’, Cyrion thought. Eventually, his arms gave out, and he found himself sinking.

    Silence radiated through the depths of the sea. Cyrion was far too weak to fight against the water, water pressure increasingly painfully. He closed his eyes, and prepared for his eternal rest.

    The scream of an aquatic titan woke him. He opened his eyes, noticing an blob of blue in the distance. As it drew closer, baleen plates- wheat-like teeth passed by Cyrion from above and below.

    Cyrion struggles as the Wailord attempted to swallow him whole. He gripped onto the tongue of the Wailord , however the Wailord’s swallow was far too powerful to combat. He found himself falling into the endless abyss that was the Wailord’s stomach.

    Cyrion yelled as he wakes up from his nightmare. Cyrion slept alone in the orlop deck, the lowest part of the ship. He removed his blanket and looked around at the stored cables. He had to make sure no one heard him speak in his sleep. With no one around, he grasped a red cross out of his pocket.

    “Arceus be with us.”

    The captain of the ship entered the orlop deck.

    “Sleeper. Have you not heard of the disaster upon us? Tempest winds rip apart pieces of the ship minute by minute. It seems we have driven right into a storm. Do you have any last wishes for your family if we were to not all make it Unova.”

    Cyrion looked down at his hand, envisioning the blood of denial that once dripped down his arm in his dream. His body trembled at the power of Arceus, and the fact that the dream he had was slowly becoming true.

    “I cannot.”

    “And why not?” The captain asked.

    Cyrion stopped for a moment.

    “Because I fear my Arceus. I fear that I am responsible for the storm before us. That it is Arceus’s punishment for my wrongdoings.”

    “Is there no way for you to repent?! In fact, wait, Arceus? You are one of the cultists of Johto?.”

    “I am not sure… But we must change course to the nearer kingdom, Kalos. If we do not hurry, a wild Wailord may eat the survivors of this storm.” Cryion insisted.

    Pieces from the ship began to tear open.

    “You must return to the ship’s helm. Perhaps we can flee this storm before we have the blood of our crewmates on our hands.” Cyrion says.

    “Instead,” he unsheathed his sword from his scabbard and placed it upon Cyrion’s neck “We could eliminate the source of this--Cultist, problem of ours, by throwing it's corpse out to sea.”

    Cyrion’s life began to flash before his eyes. From his memories as a child with his mother Amita, to paying the fare in the distant kingdom of Johto to board this very ship, every moment repeated.

    “Please, Captain, spare my life! I’ll give you anything, look- here’s everything I have!” He emptied his pockets of every piece of gold on him. He also removed the rings on his fingers and the cross i his palm.

    The captain stomped on the cross. It snapped into pieces that roll in seperate directions across the unsteady ship.

    “Currency is worthless in the face of death. You either toss yourself into the sea willingly, or you die attempting to escape your fate.”



    “Fine! I surrender. Bring me to the plank.”

    The two climbed the stairs up to the main deck, the sky dark as the winds screamed in agony. Cyrion took his first step upon the plank, looking down at the water below. He gulps. The end was near.

    “Faster.” Demands the captain.

    Cyrion made his way to the edge of the plank, taking his last deep breath. The scent of the sea mixed with the sting of the cold air within his nostrils. With a tremendous splash, the same Wailord from the nightmare leaped over the ship, causing the ship to rock and tilt as the Wailord returned into the sea on the other side. Cyrion fell backward, landing back onto the main deck.

    “Brace yourselfs!” The captain commanded, dropping the sword as he made his way to the ship’s helm.

    Clouds in the sky began to circle, birds fleeing in the opposite direction as tempest winds tear through the air. In the distance, a waterspout with the silhouette of Arceus formed. As the ship tore into shards of wood, Cyrion picked up the sword before him.

    The Wailord leaps into the air one more time. Before it descends, however, Cyrion leaps off of the ship’s plank, his sword glowing with the power of Arceus.

    As Cyrion finally accepted his mission, Arceus granted Cyrion the power to defeat the Wailord in a single strike. As the deceased Wailord descended into the waters, the tempest winds calmed, the sky becoming bright and the birds returning.

    Cyrion nearly falls into the water, but finds himself caught by a net cast by the crewmembers, his breath as wild as his heartbeat. The captain approached him, helping him back onto his feet.

    “Hero… who are you?”

    “My name is Cyrion, the son of the deceased princess of Kalos, Amita.”

    “And what is the son of a princess doing on a ship going away from his kingdom?”


    “I...”

    “Tell you what, for saving our lives, and our ship, we will take you to Kalos. Your story, Cyrion, as the great Pokemon Slayer, shall be told throughout the ages. May it be forever be remembered.”

    Everyone cheered for Cyrion, a man once thought of as a traitor. And thus, the ship changed course, first back to Johto to repair the ship, but later to Kalos instead of The Kingdom of Unova, the crewmembers singing songs of the hero Cyrion along the way. As they laughed and rejoiced and drank ale to celebrate, Cyrion returned to the plank where the battle took place, and breathed in the airs of the sea.

    “I shall not fear my Lord.” He says to himself, ”I shall not fear Arceus!”

    Meanwhile, far away, two young villagers near the sea had interesting plans.



    Chapter 1

    Spoiler:

    There were two kids, a boy and a girl sitting outside Kana Village, ancient Kalos. Everyday, they’d find a different House to live in, as all the villagers were basically family to them. Harbor today , Ex, the boy among the two, led them through the jungle.

    “Ex, what’s wrong? You stink today, and your cowls a mess." Cythica, the girl of the two, spoke. The mole under her eye seemed to twitch with every word with how much expression she put into each face.
    "I am okay. I’ve been preparing something nice for you. It’s deep in the woods!" Ex added.
    “How deep?” Cythica’s eyebrows raised.

    “It doesn’t matter.” Ex rolled his eyes.

    They laughed joyously as they made with their way over sticks and stones, traversing the beautiful grassland that was Kalos. Eventually however, Cythica’s joy became replaced with terror.


    “I’m not sure Ex, we aren't supposed to go this far in the woods.”


    Ex stopped and smiled. You could see his eyes brighten with happiness.

    “It's worth it I promise!” Ex said.

    They continued on.

    “Have you ever wondered what the village knights were for? We aren’t at war, what are they protecting?” Cythica asked.

    “Does it matter? It’s your birthday. Think about happy stuff.” Ex added.

    They eventually stopped at a beautiful grassland filled with flowers and plants.

    “Look at this place. Isn’t it wonderful?”

    “Ex, thank you but we really oughta head back.”

    “No, come on let's play! It’s your birthday isn’t it?”

    Cythica began to look to her sides, sweating on her forehead.

    “Ex, Stop please. there's something wrong about this place, I just don't know about this.”

    Cythica released a loud scream. She fell onto her bottom, squirming her limbs irradically. Before Ex could reach a hand toward her a flash of light swooped through the air. When it’s translucent beam disappeared, so had her stomach. About a foot and a half radius of blood head splattered across the grasslands.

    “Cythica!” Ex fell over trying to save her. The translucent light above I stopped moving, giving the appearance of a wild Beedrill. On each arm a shining stinger reflected the light of the Sun . Next to Its Reflection, a coating of Cythica’s blood.

    The Beedrill began to buzz its wings, readying for its next charge. However, before it could kill the two children, an arrow plummeted into its head. Black gush and insect parts were all that remained of its head.

    Ex looked back to find a village archer. He continued to aim at the dead Beedrill.

    “What are you two kids doing here?! Hurry back to the Village before it roosts!” The archer yelled ferocious.

    “She's bleeding out. What do I do?!” Ex panicked.

    “ Carry her just go!” The archer demanded.

    As soon as Ex could prop his best friend onto his back a swarm of Beedrill came from the trees biting at the flesh the Archer before him. After ripping his shirt into shreds, his face and chest became nothing but blood and muscle in mere seconds.

    Ex Ran as fast as he could, but found himself slowed down with Cythica on his back. He threw her down dragging her by one arm in a desperate attempt to get away.

    Everything that could’ve had gone wrong for these two villagers. But their lives were about to get ten times more wild.
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    Old 4 Weeks Ago (11:17 PM).
    Bay's Avatar
    Bay Bay is offline
    Darkinium Z
     
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    Hi there! Thought I would drop by and check this out!

    So far I like what you have with the beginning there. Two friends celebrating a birthday, only for it to be ruined. I'm very curious where you'll take this!

    I thought their interactions are cute, and you did their body language and reactions fine enough. I feel you can add more worldbuilding and sensory detail to the setting though. You mention this takes place in Kalos and stuff like flowers growing and all, but you can make the world come more alive by adding in the smell, taste, etc.

    One other thing I noticed is some words like village and house capitalize. They're usually common nouns so no need to capitalized them unless you have them proper nouns, like X Village and Lysandre House or something.

    I might see about coming back here time to time. I wish you luck!
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    Old 4 Weeks Ago (6:48 PM).
    Thecheatcodeweirdly Thecheatcodeweirdly is offline
       
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      prologue has been added, as well as a few details in chapter 1 which was the previous prologue.
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      Old 3 Weeks Ago (10:10 PM).
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      Bay Bay is offline
      Darkinium Z
       
      Join Date: May 2006
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      All right, so usually I check out Prologues first and then First Chapters, but since you wrote the Prologue later I decide to check out how it relates to the first chapter!

      After finished reading the prologue, I get this biblical Pokemon vibes going on. Arceus tells Cyrion he must do this or else everthing's doomed. Then after that Cyrion saves the day and get remembered. So yeah, biblical vibes haha. I feel the first few paragarphs don't add much and you could just start with Cyrion's dream there.

      As of now, I'm not sure how the prologue and first chapter relate one another, but probably that will be be more clear as the story progresses.
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