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[Pokémon] Four Journeys

BZRich64

The Mustachioed Machamp
146
Posts
10
Years
This is a story I started writing a few months ago to work on my writing skills and that is available in few places so far and I figured I might as well add it here too. I'm quite a long way into this story so far, so I think I'll probably just post a chapter a day or so until I get caught up here so as to not overwhelm anyone new to it. Anyway, here we go.

Chapter 1
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BZRich64

The Mustachioed Machamp
146
Posts
10
Years
Chapter 2
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BZRich64

The Mustachioed Machamp
146
Posts
10
Years
Chapter 3
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BZRich64

The Mustachioed Machamp
146
Posts
10
Years
Chapter 4
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BZRich64

The Mustachioed Machamp
146
Posts
10
Years
Chapter 5
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BZRich64

The Mustachioed Machamp
146
Posts
10
Years
Chapter 6
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BZRich64

The Mustachioed Machamp
146
Posts
10
Years
Chapter 7
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bobandbill

one more time
16,910
Posts
16
Years
[Note: only read the first two chapters so far.]

This is an interesting take – or expansion – on the anime. I'm not that familiar with it, but I do remember the first episode and can appreciate changes or expansions such as Gary taking the car – not because he was the best trainer in his mind as we may be led to believe, but instead because his dad doesn't think him capable enough. This and other changes have worked out decently imo, and I was quite amused at Daisy/Green's attempt at one-liners at the end of the second chapter. On the flip side, the introduction of Ash having to travel with Carmine who was seemingly introduced out of the blue was too sudden to me. Red and who I assume to be Misty fishing a girl was quite surprising too; I suppose given this is still anime-verse though it's true enough to the world.

It's also a nice idea to change between the four trainers and show their separate journeys, and so far you're doing decently in establishing their separate personalities.

I would suggest using a line of whitespace between paragraphs, much like how I've structured this post. Stories on forums are generally harder to read than in a book, so larger spacing is easier on the eyes and the recommended norm to follow.

A couple notes on the grammatical side of things:
"Well, the water doesn't look to deep.
too deep.
"I didn't think of that. I'll have to keep that in might next time I-"
mind rather than might.
"What are talking about? You didn't do anything!"
A missing 'you' there.
"Maybe I should have gone with Gary." She muttered to herself.
With dialogue, if the part following the speech flows on (that is, it tells us who is speaking/how it was said/etc) and doesn't work as a sentence by itself, then you should treat the whole part as one sentence. This means in the dialogue you won't use a full stop (but you could use !, ?, etc), and the word following the dialogue shouldn't be capitalised. The above hence should be:
"Maybe I should have gone with Gary," she muttered to herself.
An example of using a full stop and a capital would be:
"Maybe I should have gone with Gary." She kicked at a pebble.
as 'She kicked at a pebble' works as its own sentence and isn't directly related to the dialogue. Another case of a few to watch out for:
"This day just keeps getting better and better." She said sarcastically.
should be:
"This day just keeps getting better and better," she said sarcastically.

Overall a nice start here. Good luck with the rest of the fic!
 

Cavespider_17

Charlie
79
Posts
6
Years
  • Age 29
  • U.K
  • Seen Feb 5, 2024
Chapter 1- Review
Spoiler:

Summary:
֎ Overall the story seemed to make mostly logical sense, however, my question about Oak's memory is still important in regard to canon.
֎ Grammatically, as it went on the grammar mistakes were more or less far and few between, however, I would check through your semi-colon and conjunctive usage.
֎ Plot wise, the story is so far reasonably true to canon/parallel in regards to the anime, with some extended sections, which does add to the overall interest created in the text.

֎ In regards to new paragraphs, I would add an extra space between each, as it currently is quite hard to detect when a new paragraph has been started.


Chapter 2- Review

Spoiler:


Summary:
֎ I liked the twist at the end. Interesting character building for sure.
֎ Grammatically this chapter was much better than the first.
֎ Logic wise, everything made sense and functioned.

֎ In regards to new paragraphs, I would add an extra space between each, as it currently is quite hard to detect when a new paragraph has been started.

~ Will add on to this, but I need a break now ~ 
 

BZRich64

The Mustachioed Machamp
146
Posts
10
Years
Thank you both for your comments and opinions. I appreciate any and all constructive criticism that I can get. I do plan on eventually going back and fixing a lot of the mistakes from earlier chapters eventually, though it will probably be a while before I get to it. Also, I did have my paragraphed double spaced, but for some reason that seems to be undone when I copy stuff onto here and I didn't notice earlier. Sorry about that. I'll work on fixing it.
I should also probably mention that this story is not specifically based off of the anime's continuity and world. It blends together aspects of the games, anime, manga and other parts of the franchise along with original ideas.
Chapter 2- Review

Spoiler:
You seem to have skipped Chapter 2 and reviewed Chapter 3 in its place. Your first comment is that Rattata should be listed with Spearow and Pidgey because we didn't see him catch it, but he did catch it in chapter 2, which is why I worded it the way I did.

Anyway, on to the next chapter.
Chapter 8
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BZRich64

The Mustachioed Machamp
146
Posts
10
Years
Chapter 9
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BZRich64

The Mustachioed Machamp
146
Posts
10
Years
Chapter 10
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BZRich64

The Mustachioed Machamp
146
Posts
10
Years
Chapter 11
Spoiler:
 

BZRich64

The Mustachioed Machamp
146
Posts
10
Years
Chapter 12
Spoiler:
 

BZRich64

The Mustachioed Machamp
146
Posts
10
Years
Chapter 13
Spoiler:
 

BZRich64

The Mustachioed Machamp
146
Posts
10
Years
Chapter 14
Spoiler:
 

BZRich64

The Mustachioed Machamp
146
Posts
10
Years
Chapter 15
Spoiler:
 

BZRich64

The Mustachioed Machamp
146
Posts
10
Years
Chapter 16
Spoiler:
 

BZRich64

The Mustachioed Machamp
146
Posts
10
Years
Chapter 17
Spoiler:
 

BZRich64

The Mustachioed Machamp
146
Posts
10
Years
Chapter 18
Spoiler:
 
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