Why do people cheat?

I think it's an interesting question of what the tab says, "Why do people cheat."

Now, not saying talking about when it's justified or non-damaging is okay, but I think it's an perfectly appropriate question to ask why such things happen, the events that lead up to it and rather than talking about the actions repercussions but rather the dominos that lead up to it ranging from the coincidences to the blatant dominoes falling.

Because people are immoral and lacking in decency, simple as that.

I've been on both sides of this coin.

Being on the 'cheater' side of things, I think, ultimately boils down to the reason(in my case I was in high school and was just dumb, selfish, and bored). There's no way to rightfully justify those actions but you can definitely take things from it to improve yourself as a person and make sure that it doesn't happen again(in future relationships, or current if the other party is somehow willing to work through something like that). So the old fashioned saying "Once a cheater, always a cheater" doesn't really resonate within me.

The 'cheated on' side is pretty rough. As it's happened in more than one relationship for me, I've walked away immediately and I've forgiven. It's a pretty shocking and crushing feeling through and through. I can tend to hop from interest to interest when things like this have happened as it can be rather difficult to even crawl out of bed. Find things to immerse yourself in. Pick up a game you've been dying to play and lose yourself in it for awhile. Express yourself through a medium(art, writing, music... even if you're not proficient in it, it can be widely enlightening). Just keep yourself busy.

And, as cliche as it is, don't beat yourself up. In the end, chances are you did what you could and it's on them for making that decision. Something better will come, I'm sure.

strangerhypno said:

Because people are immoral and lacking in decency, simple as that.

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Some yes, but that's not what I mean. What makes people make choices like that? Are there any other circumstances, things, incidents, stuff in the relationship, stuff and all that. Cause, I don't believe that answer up there is for everything or even for everything in tone.

strangerhypno said:

Because people are immoral and lacking in decency, simple as that.

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Morals are entirely subjective. Someone who cheats may also be traditionally moral in many other areas. It's really not simple at all.

Some people have violent partners who they fear leaving outright, others rushed into a loveless marriage that, financially, they cannot escape. Some cheat because they just don't care about hurting people. It's all very varied.

I cheated only once, and the guilt was horrific. I cheated because the relationship was in pieces, I was tired of being held up to her dead ex's memory in situations where I'd always come off worse and I was out drinking with a girl who paid a lot of attention to me. It wasn't premeditated, wasn't an affair.

Hands said:

Morals are entirely subjective. Someone who cheats may also be traditionally moral in many other areas. It's really not simple at all.

Some people have violent partners who they fear leaving outright, others rushed into a loveless marriage that, financially, they cannot escape. Some cheat because they just don't care about hurting people. It's all very varied.

I cheated only once, and the guilt was horrific. I cheated because the relationship was in pieces, I was tired of being held up to her dead ex's memory in situations where I'd always come off worse and I was out drinking with a girl who paid a lot of attention to me. It wasn't premeditated, wasn't an affair.

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Morals aren't entirely subjective. And when I mean immoral, it can also apply to the person being cheated on.

But what I don't get is, when your partner is a jerk or holding you up to a certain standard, why didn't you just break up in the first place?

strangerhypno said:

Morals aren't entirely subjective. And when I mean immoral, it can also apply to the person being cheated on.

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Okay, so who dictates what's moral in general and what isn't? People make beliefs on what is more or immoral. If you make the point that everyone has a basic right, then I'd say the concept of "Rights" was made by humans. Why do you think animals can't comprehend morals? Because they don't have the mentality or awareness/consciousness to do one.

Also, it depends on what morals you are talking about. Societal moral standards are usually what is commonly accept or deemed as "Proper" in the society, while personal morals aren't the same thing. Familial morals and all that along with national rules, which are based on morals and the ideals of what one deems as just.

So I ask again...who gets to say what is moral and what is immoral or rather, what is this moral bar that still exists and how can you analyze/assess this bar. What morals are acceptable and which ones aren't? Long story short, I disagree with morals a concept that isn't subjective or at least cognitive.

Vragon2.0 said:

Okay, so who dictates what's moral in general and what isn't? People make beliefs on what is more or immoral. If you make the point that everyone has a basic right, then I'd say the concept of "Rights" was made by humans. Why do you think animals can't comprehend morals? Because they don't have the mentality or awareness/consciousness to do one.

Also, it depends on what morals you are talking about. Societal moral standards are usually what is commonly accept or deemed as "Proper" in the society, while personal morals aren't the same thing. Familial morals and all that along with national rules, which are based on morals and the ideals of what one deems as just.

So I ask again...who gets to say what is moral and what is immoral or rather, what is this moral bar that still exists and how can you analyze/assess this bar. What morals are acceptable and which ones aren't? Long story short, I disagree with morals a concept that isn't subjective or at least cognitive.

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I'm not saying morals are entirely objective, I'm saying there are some things that are obviously good or bad. For example, a man robs someone of their money. That's clearly bad. Another man stops a bunch of muggers. That's good.

Oh dear, I thought we were talking about a more harmless type of cheating, a game perhaps or at most on your exam...

I'm not going to go into a lot of detail because this hits close to home. I have fortunately not been cheated on but my father was a philanderer, and this was a factor in the deterioration of his marriage to my mother.

A cheater I think loves him or herself so much more that they are oblivious to the pain they cause others, at worst some may even enjoy inflicting it. Its an act of disregard and sullying of your partner. You can't love your partner if you cheat on them, you may love something that they are giving you--stability perhaps, but you are treating that person with active contempt. If you loved them enough you would care about their feelings and how this might hurt them or others inevolved, your whole family, your career perhaps even. Its an immature, irresponsible action.

I think it also uses the other person who you are in a relationship with. I think most cheaters don't love either party like they love themselves. If you mean no harm but have fallen in love with someone else then that should be a commitment you take seriously, not somebody you gratify yourself with before going back to your life of comfort. The person you don't feel the same way about anymore doesn't deserve to be eithet loed to or embarassed by your behavior, and they also deserve the chance to find a new happiness with some else. Unless there are truly some insurmountable (not simply uncomfortable) circumstances in your country that prevent you from being with the one you love then you should form a real union with that person, instead of trying to have your cake and eat it too.

strangerhypno said:

I'm not saying morals are entirely objective, I'm saying there are some things that are obviously good or bad. For example, a man robs someone of their money. That's clearly bad. Another man stops a bunch of muggers. That's good.

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You're overly simplifying the world.

It's not objectively good for the muggers. To them, it's bad. They wouldn't have done it otherwise.
Some would even say no side was right or wrong.

Assuming everyone views the world through the same lens, IE, your lens, is very foolish. It's all subjective.

strangerhypno said:

Morals aren't entirely subjective. And when I mean immoral, it can also apply to the person being cheated on.

But what I don't get is, when your partner is a jerk or holding you up to a certain standard, why didn't you just break up in the first place?

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If you're asking me why I didn't on a personal level, well, I can't answer that. i did break up with her after I done what I done.

If you're asking why people don't break up before that point then I think its because people naturally hold on because part of them thinks things will get better. Humans have always been faith driven, whether that's faith in a religion or faith in a relationship.

To more easily get at the answer OP is looking for, perhaps it would be better to ask: Why is there an undermining of fidelity happening in close relationships?

Ultimately, it is a matter of trust, and transparency. When somebody ?cheats?, they?re more than just undermining their partner?s trust ? they?re destroying the very foundation of trust between them, and this is true regardless of whether the other finds out about it or thinks it?s OK. They have opened the door to dumping the other person at a moment?s notice, and there is no amount of trust that can make said relationship foster the kind of growth that you would expect. It is why most people just call it quits with that.

There is also a larger theme of fundamental distrust happening in relationships, even though it would not be considered ?cheating? in the conventional sense. Dr. Jordan Peterson talked about this in the context of marriage, explaining how dysfunctional relationships stem from a lack of commitment and investment (ergo, trust). The divorce rate is soaring these days, and when you talk to people coming out of bad relationships or even divorce proceedings, it is shocking what an overwhelming number of them had discernable issues with commitment and trust. You often hear this explained away on the woman?s side as ?well I just wasn?t satisfied? as her reason for uprooting and fragmenting her own family, or worse yet with men it manifests in deadbeat dad syndrome where they just don?t even pursue marriage in the first place and leave the family for the hills. The state is trying to solve the problem on the men?s side, but it is still as wild and unacknowledged as ever on the women?s side. It?s very damaging to their children no matter who?s being selfish and leaving.

On the converse, the healthiest of relationships (i.e. ones with solid foundations of trust), can actually enjoy what?s often called a ?semi-open? or ?open relationship?, where a couple can share the act of sex and all with another person without desecrating their own relationship and everything built on top of that. It?s most commonly done with couples who want to have threesomes together, that sort of thing, and while it?s a gamble on whether or not you?ll have a good time, you?re not risking your love because you know you?ll always have each other to fall back on, and are trying something new together.

I think the only time I can understand people cheating is if they're trapped in an abusive relationship. Otherwise, there's really no excuse.

Leaving abusive relationships, whether they be romantic/platonic/familial is not as easy as people like to make it out to be - abusers can be extremely manipulative or downright dangerous. People have been stalked by abusers when attempting to leave, been unable to leave because they have children with their abuser, don't have the money or ability to leave, etc.

Again, outside of this, I don't see how there's any way someone could justify cheating.

It's not about morality. Think about it, the prohibition is something totally cultural and unnatural. Of course most of us want and can assimilate it without big problem. But it is a dream that the idea of suppressing feelings and actions will be successful for all.

Natzen said:

Is there any justifiable reason to cheat on somebody

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No.

as opposed to just breaking up with them or sorting out whatever issue you have with them?

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In a normal relationship, cheating is never justifiable. There may be some unusual hypothetical someone could craft, like someone in an arranged marriage who's too scared to say anything or some other situation I haven't thought of, but in a normal relationship between two people, there's no justification for it. It's unethical, full stop. Anyone who does it is a crappy person.

Have the decency to tell someone if you're not interested in them anymore. And if you are interested in them, then don't cheat on them. If you want an open relationship, discuss it with them, and if they're not comfortable with it, either respect that or find someone else to be with. This stuff's not rocket science, people are just stupid or awful. Or both.

I get that sometimes people do stupid things in the heat of the moment, but that doesn't make doing it any less bad. Acknowledge that you did something really awful to someone who presumably loves you, do your best to do right by the partner you wronged, and make a sincere commitment to being a less awful person in the future.

As someone who was just cheated on after being in a "devoted" relationship with this person for years, I can't for the life of me find out why somebody who you care for so much and do everything for could do something so hurtful.

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I'm really sorry to hear that. I have a friend who cheated on his wife and I asked him what the hell he was thinking. His answer was that he wasn't thinking; the situation presented itself to him and he went with it even though he definitely knew better.

I can't speak generally here, but I understand why that happened. Going with the flow is natural, thinking with your sexual organs instead of your head is natural. Doing the right thing in this kind of situation requires a conscious effort, one that I would have hoped my friend would have made but I can at least process why he didn't. A lot of bad things happen because nobody decides to stop them; this is true outside of relationships as well as in them (look up the bystander effect for an example of how this sometimes shows up elsewhere). I've had relationships (plural) of my own fall apart because I didn't put in the effort to make them work.

I don't know the circumstances behind what happened to you, so I can't speak to your specific scenario, but I can tell you at least in some cases it's not a result of malicious intent. There are certainly some cases where it is; that happened to my brother. But I think at least sometimes people do bad things because they're too weak to do the right thing. Best you can hope for is that they realize how crappy they've been and decide they want to work on becoming a less crappy person.

Have you been cheated on before?

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Sort of.

Did you ever get over it, if you did.. how long did it take before the pain subsided?

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I was mostly over it in a month or so, but it still leaves a bad taste in my mouth years later. I've had worse things happen to me since then, though, and I got over those too. Life goes on.

I will say that while I don't really think about it much anymore, the lessons I learned from that situation still drive my behavior today. I'm a lot less trusting of other people than I used to be, at least when it comes to relationships. On one hand, that might be a bad thing because relationships do rely on some degree of trust, but on the other, experience is what it is. You wouldn't have to trust people if the potential wasn't there for them to betray that trust.

Did anything alleviate the pain and/or SEVERE depression you felt?

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Time, focusing on other parts of my life, and eventually reflecting on the situation when the pain wasn't still fresh and raw. Thinking about it early on isn't helpful because you're too emotional about it. That will pass, and then you can think about it more objectively.

Edit: oh wow, didn't realize this was a two year old topic that someone bumped. Hopefully still useful to someone.