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Pokémon The Rose of Team Magma

Started by LilyGardy September 14th, 2018 12:23 PM
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LilyGardy

Lilligant Trainer

Female
Celadon Gym
Seen 41 Minutes Ago
Posted 8 Hours Ago
4,164 posts
4.1 Years
This story details the story of a Flower Shop Owner Rose who ends up having to join Team Magma. She grows to agree with Team Magma and their leader Maxie and over time becomes a key part of the team...

World - ORAS Hoenn and Unova

Chapter 1 - A Captured Rose

Born in Castelia City, Unova Rose had moved to Hoenn to escape from the hustle and bustle of the City. She moved into the relatively quiet City of Rustboro quickly finding employment under the 3 Pretty Petal Flower Shop sisters. She was dedicated to her work and both her Pokemon Lilligant and Vileplume helped her tend to the flowers and other duties in the shop.

As the sisters felt the shop to be unprofitable they went to set up shop elsewhere, Rose was reluctant to leave Rustboro and the sisters agreed to sell her the shop. The young woman brought in her own staff and they worked diligently. Both woman and Pokemon helped ensure the shop ran perfectly until one day a certain team clad in red decided to pay a visit...

'Well, what do we have here,' Courtney said smugly as she barged into the shop. 'A cute little Flower Shop.'

'How can I help you?' A young Aroma Lady asked kindly.

Courtney tapped the horns on her hood and smiled. 'Ahhahaha Wouldn't it please my Leader if I was to make a statement.' Courtney looked at the young Aroma Lady who stepped back. 'If we were to just ransack this place.'

Concerned for her staff Rose stepped forward and said 'Please do not intimidate my staff Magma.'

Courtney walked straight up to Rose and stood nose to nose with her. She glared at the brunette and said 'My name is Courtney.' She laughed. 'You're outnumbered.'

The Magma Admin snapped her fingers and yelled 'Grunts.'

A team of 5 grunts surrounded the shop and 5 more flanked the female admin.

'Grunts,' Courtney said again. 'Numels at the ready.'

'Numel Num.' was heard around the shop as 5 Numel appeared.

'Ladies,' Rose said. 'Glooms Go.'

'Gloom, Gloom' The 4 Weed Pokemon said.

'Ember,' The grunts yelled in stereo.

'Sleep Powder,' The ladies responded.

The Grass Pokemon moved before the Numb Pokemon and as a result all of the little Camel like Pokemon fell asleep.

Courtney smiled smugly. 'Outside Grunts, burn this place down.'

'Helen, Claire Turn the Garden Splinklers on,' Rose yelled.
They did so and the outside Numel began to visibly weaken.

'Blast it,' Courtney said throwing her Pokeball. 'Camerupt burn this place down. Lava Plume.'

Camerupt let out a roar as fire shot out of both its humps.

'Vileplume,' Rose responded. 'Use your Petal Dance to turn on all the sprinklers.'

The Flower Pokemon span around quickly to and fro as Petals flew everywhere hitting the sprinklers.

The sprinklers covered the shop in water quickly extinguishing the Camerupt's Lava.

'Ahahaha,' Courtney said. 'These Aroma Ladies fight well.'

'They caught us unaware Boss.' A male grunt said.

Courtney laughed again. 'Grunts Grab their Leader.' Her expression darkened. 'I'm sure Maxie will be pleased with a new team member.'

Before Rose could react two female grunts grabbed her by the arms and dragged her out of the shop. The Aroma Ladies were too scared to move.

Despite Rose's protestations Courtney and the Grunts took her to the Team Magma Hideout.
At the Team Magma Hideout Maxie was incensed.

'You had a huge numbers advantage and you couldn't take a flower shop,' He said to Courtney disapprovingly.

'Ahhahaha,' Courtney said. 'The environment wasn't ideal for us.'

Maxie shook his head 'Aroma Ladies aren't exactly known for their battling prowess.'

Courtney tried to smile. 'We did obtain a new member though.' She said smugly.
The grunts brought Rose in.

Maxie looked at the Aroma Lady. 'I trust you know who I am.'

'Yes,' Rose said. 'You are the Leader of Team Magma Maxie.'

'Few Grunts have answered that question correctly,' The Magma Leader said. 'Show me your Pokemon.'

Rose asked her two Pokemon Lilligant and Vileplume to come out of their Pokeballs.

'A Grass Trainer,' He said to himself. 'Grunts, you may go now.'

Maxie looked at Rose and her Pokemon, he then touched his glasses.

'Before you get our new friend her new uniform Courtney,' He said. 'I still have something to go through.'
Currently writing - The Rose of Team Magma

Bay

Darkinium Z

Female
Dani California
Seen 1 Hour Ago
Posted 1 Hour Ago
5,698 posts
13.3 Years
Hi there, and welcome to the writing section! Thought I would drop by real quick and check what you have here.

Before I go on my thoughts on the first chapter, advice on two things.

1) When posting on forums, it's advisable to double space after each paragraph otherwise the text gets all jumbled up. So like:

1st paragraph

2nd paragraph

3rd paragraph, etc.

An example how to do it with your story:

Spoiler:
'Well, what do we have here.' Courtney said smugly as she barged into the shop. 'A cute little Flower Shop.'

'How can I help you?' A young Aroma Lady asked kindly.

Courtney tapped the horns on her hood and smiled. 'Ahhahaha Wouldn't it please my Leader if I was to make a statement.' Courtney looked at the young Aroma Lady who stepped back. 'If we were to just ransack this place.'

Concerned for her staff Rose stepped forward and said 'Please do not intimidate my staff Magma.'

Courtney walked straight up to Rose and stood nose to nose with her. She glared at the brunette and said 'My name is Courtney.' She laughed. 'You're outnumbered.'

The Magma Admin snapped her fingers and yelled 'Grunts.'

A team of 5 grunts surrounded the shop and 5 more flanked the female admin.


2) Your punctuation, specifically on dialogue, could use some work. Usually when punctuating dialogue you would use a comma instead of period if followed by a dialogue tag (he said, she replied, he asked, etc). For instance,

"I don't like you," Kelly said, folding her arms agaisnt her chest.

Only exception is if you don't follow the dialogue with a dialogue tag.

"I don't like you." Kelly glared at Mike then turned away.

I hope this makes sense! There's several more stuff I can talk about but I would google dialogue puncutation and familiarize yourselve with more of the rules there.

Okay, onto the first chapter. Hm, I do wonder why Team Magma barges in a flower shop since I don't think it fits with their agenda at all. Also it's kind of odd Team Magma picks up a grass trainer when the majority of Team Magma's Pokemon are fire types with a mix of other types here and there.

As for the prose, the quality of it is passable to be posted herea as you have the action going. However, I feel a lot of the emotional and scenery decription is missing. For instance, when Rose gets taken to Team Magma Hideout there's no description what its look it, the people in it, and Rose's thoughts while being taken there. Is she terrified, upset, forcing herself to not scream, etc.

I don't have too much thoughts on the plot yet since it's only beginning, but I think the story will benefit the pacing to slow down a tad bit. I would read published novels to get a good idea on managing pacing and emotional descriptions. I might come and check once in a while if you continue this though, wish you luck on this story!

Foul Play
[Chapter Nine up!]

VisionofMilotic

Lover of Dragons

Female
Sootopolis City
Seen 1 Hour Ago
Posted 8 Hours Ago
2,845 posts
3.3 Years
I really loved it. I think you have in Rose a smart and competent main character, who also embodies the maturity and grace of a grass Pokemon trainer. I enjoyed reading about Rose's life and backstory, how she came to this point, her wish to retreat to a more calm and quiet, but also her industry and hard work. I like her a lot so far.

I think you handled the battle scene very well, and I will take pointera here because that is something I myself could improve. I felt the pacing was just right it kept moving, it never dragged and liked the delightful details of Pokemon using attacks in practical ways like to keep the flower shop from catching on fire.

Courtney and Maxie both seem in character, and I'm left in suspense about Rose's abduction. I particularly like the way Maxie was portrayed. Please keep sharing! Its wonderful!

Name: Narcissus
Adopt one yourself! @Pokémon Orphanage



I got Haxorus on "What Dragon-Type Pokemon are you?" https://quotev.com/quiz/5077163

LilyGardy

Lilligant Trainer

Female
Celadon Gym
Seen 41 Minutes Ago
Posted 8 Hours Ago
4,164 posts
4.1 Years
Chapter 2 - Rose the Magma Grunt

'Courtney,' Maxie said. 'Please remind me what instructions I gave you this morning.'

'Hahahaha,' Courtney laughed. 'It was to gain intel for our upcoming trip to Rustboro and the Devon Corporation.'

'Very good.' Maxie said as he gave his admin a piercing stare. 'Your orders were not to try and knock over a flower shop but...'

Rose gulped as Maxie turned to look at her.

'You and your workers fought well against Courtney here,' He said calmly. 'I am sure you will be an asset to Team Magma.'

'Hahahaha,' Courtney said. 'She is just a sweet Aroma Lady.'

Maxie simply shook his head and pulled a Pokeball out of his desk drawer. He gave the Pokeball to Rose and said, 'Whilst starting grunts normally receive a Zubat I think you may be smart enough to handle the bats evolved form.

'Thank you Maxie.' Rose said nervously holding the Pokeball.

The Magma leader turned to the bookshelf behind him before looking at the two girls again. 'To expand the landmass to improve life for both humans and Pokemon,' He said. 'That is our goal, a quite noble one I am sure you agree.'

Both Courtney and Rose nodded, awkwardly in Rose's case.

'Courtney, please take our new grunt to her room.' He said before dismissing them both.

Courtney grabbed the Aroma Lady's arm as they left Maxie's office. Once she knew the Magma Leader was out of earshot she put her face close to Rose and said, 'Maybe you did fight well at your precious little flower shop but you answer to me now. You got that?'

The new Team Magma Grunt nodded but said nothing.

As Courtney led her to her room Rose looked at the corridor walls - They were made of red stone. 'Had Team Magma and their Pokemon dug this hideout themselves?' She thought to herself. 'It's impressive if they did.' She thought to ask Courtney but thought better of it.

The Admin stopped briefly. 'We have a Library here in this hideout,' She said. 'I don't see many Grunts ever there though, just Maxie and Tabitha.'

'Who is Tabitha?' Rose asked.

'He's the other admin here.' Courtney replied. 'But just listen to me and Maxie ok?'

Rose guessed Courtney didn't respect this Tabitha guy but the library did look nice with its neatly arranged bookshelves. Perhaps she could read something to pass the time.

Rose followed the Admin down the corridor until they stopped at a door. Courtney opened it and muttered, 'Ahhaha, you're about the same height as me.' She pulled out three sets of red and black grunt uniforms, a pair of red shoes and some all black pyjamas. She handed them to Rose who was visibly unimpressed.

Courtney huffed and said, 'We can't have you walking around our hideout in a long skirt now can we?' The pair headed further down the corridor until they arrived at her room.

The Admin opened the door and Rose saw a room far removed from the comfort she was used to. There were two beds - One unmade and untidy and the other perfectly neat. The bed looked very simple and cheap. Beside each bed was a small bedside cabinet and a very narrow wardrobe which was presumably to hang up spare uniforms. On one wall was a mirror which looked like it had not been cleaned in some time and surprisingly there was an en-suite bathroom but with a shower and toilet as basic as you can get.

'Kitchen is further down the corridor. Your roommate will show you where it is. Wherever she is.' Courtney said. 'Remember you answer to me now.' She laughed as she closed the door and Rose sat on the bed looking at her new uniform. It was very red with a blood red undershirt and stockings. The shoes were a softer red but still striking. The sleeveless jumper was the same hue and had the Magma logo on. 'Was it M for Magma or M for Maxie?' She thought to herself as she went to change.

She carefully put her new uniform on, carefully folding her garb and storing it in her wardrobe along with her heels. The Magma Uniform was far removed from what she normally wore. The skirt of the outfit was much shorter than what she usually wore and left most of her legs bare. She pulled the dark red socks up and after giving it a quick clean looked in the mirror at her new outfit. She noticed that her top had a hood, she pulled it up and saw that it had two horns on similar to Courtney's but these were smaller and black. She looked just like the female grunts that invaded her flower shop except for her brown hair which she tried to hide under her hood as best as she could.

She headed back to the bed, threw the Pokeball and out popped a female Golbat. 'Gol Gol Gol Bat.' The Bat Pokemon said.

'I guess I'm your new trainer now.' The new Grunt said petting the Golbat. 'I think I will not give you a nickname for now.'

'Gol Gol bat.' Her new Pokemon said happily.

'Lilligant,' Rose said as she called the Flowering Pokemon. 'Help me clean our new room.' The two then dusted and cleaned her side of the room and the mirror. She left the other bed, best to not go poking around. Golbat watched her new trainer with intrigue.

Rose did not know the layout too well so just sat on her bed and played with her Pokemon until the door opened. 'Lilligant, Vileplume,' She said. 'In your Pokeballs quick.'

Rose's roommate entered the room and took her hood down showing blueish - black hair in a slightly scruffy bob that went past her shoulders. She saw Rose and said, 'Oh, you must be my new roommate.'

Rose nodded and said in a friendly manner, 'My name is Rose. What's yours?'

'Sarah.' The grunt responded excitedly. 'I've not had a roommate for a while.'

'I've cleaned up a bit.' Rose said. 'I hope you don't mind.'

'Not at all.' Sarah responded. 'I don't need to worry about cleaning now.'

Rose smiled and thought to herself that her fellow Grunt didn't worry about cleaning anyway.

Sarah looked around and saw Rose's Golbat on the wardrobe. 'You have Golbat already,' She said. 'I still have Zubat.' She threw her own Pokeball and the little Zubat popped out.

'I got him from Maxie.' Rose said.

'You must be a good trainer then to get a Golbat from him.' Sarah said more excited still. 'You'll love it in Team Magma, promise.'

'I'm sure.' Rose said smiling hoping she sounded believable as Sarah ran up to her with a small phone.

'Selfie,' The Grunt said standing close to Rose and taking a picture before she could react. 'Now that's a nice picture.' She showed Rose the picture, it actually looked pretty good.

Sarah left the room and Rose went to look in the mirror again. She took her hood down and put her hair in a ponytail. Team Magma had barged into her shop that morning and now here she was their newest member and in their uniform. The uniform felt comfortable and Maxie had been strangely nice to her...Still this wasn't her.

She sat on her bed and closed her eyes. Perhaps a shower will clear her mind. It had been a very strange day.
Currently writing - The Rose of Team Magma

VisionofMilotic

Lover of Dragons

Female
Sootopolis City
Seen 1 Hour Ago
Posted 8 Hours Ago
2,845 posts
3.3 Years
I was excited about this one! I'm glad that we have another chapter where Maxie is prominent. You write him with the proper reserve and biting wit, yet he truly believes in his cause, as do they all.

I think the jealousy and tension with Courtney tension feels right, and that you have captured her rather immature but competitive personality. I believe her adoration for Maxie.

This reads very smoothly. Its nice seeing the human side of Team Magma, regular people who aren't really evil, they get up out of bed, get dressed go to work like you and me. I liked the introduction of Sarah as another original character. She describes like a beautiful woman.

I also like how you keep Rose's pokemon active in the story as friends and seperate characters, not just coming out for battle, Its little touches like that where they help her clean up that add to the charm.

This was a satisfying read for my weekend!

Name: Narcissus
Adopt one yourself! @Pokémon Orphanage



I got Haxorus on "What Dragon-Type Pokemon are you?" https://quotev.com/quiz/5077163

Bay

Darkinium Z

Female
Dani California
Seen 1 Hour Ago
Posted 1 Hour Ago
5,698 posts
13.3 Years
Oh cool a new chapter! This is a much better improvement from last chapter. The pacing is better as you have Rose take in the sights and sounds of the hideout this time, and we have a better idea what her feelings are throughout this.

Maxie is portrayed fine here so far, and as for Courtney I assume you go with her speech in RSE and not ORAS? ORAS Courtney likes to talk in calculations, but here she's more lively. Sarah though she's fun already and can't wait to see how she and Rose interacts.

'Was it M for Magma or M for Maxie?' She thought to herself as she went to change.
I admit to chuckling at that part.

She carefully put her new uniform on, carefully folding her Aroma Lady garb and storing it in her wardrobe along with her heels. The Magma Uniform was far removed from what she normally wore. The skirt of the outfit was much shorter than the Aroma Lady equivalent and left most of her legs bare.
Aroma lady garb sounds strange and... technical? Even if there's official "Aroma Lady" class in your world where people can register as one, I feel not all Aroma ladies will wear the same clothes as shown in some of the games depending on region. I would just say "garb" and "her usual one she wore" on the bolded parts.

At the moment I'm unsure where you'll take this premise but it does have some potential. Looking forward to more!

Foul Play
[Chapter Nine up!]

LilyGardy

Lilligant Trainer

Female
Celadon Gym
Seen 41 Minutes Ago
Posted 8 Hours Ago
4,164 posts
4.1 Years
Chapter 3 - Rose and Sarah

'Rose,' Sarah said firmly to her sleeping roommate. 'Rose, wake up I can't sleep.

Rose awoke with a start and said, 'What time is it?'

'About 5AM,' The Grunt responded as she smiled. 'Having a roommate is so exciting for me, can we talk?'

'Ok,' Rose said as she sat up and turned the nearby lamp on. She was a light sleeper and even though she was not particularly happy she had been rudely awoken she knew she wasn't getting back to sleep tonight.

'So what were you before you joined Team Magma?' Sarah asked.

'Do you know the 'Pretty Petal' Flower Shop near Rustboro?' Rose asked.

Her roommate shook her head.

Rose frowned and said, 'I was...am the owner of the shop,' She frowned again and continued. 'Until I was dragged here.'

Sarah's eyes widened at hearing this and she said, 'So you're the Aroma Lady who beat Courtney?' She pulled on the edge of her hair. 'You'll do great here, I'm sure.'

Rose looked at Sarah, she wore Team Magma pyjamas similar to her own but in red instead of black. Her roommates hair was a little messy, fitting for someone who just got out of bed. A little self conscious Rose ran her fingers through her own hair as she said, 'I'm sure I will.'

'One of the other grunts told me Courtney got in trouble with Maxie for losing to you,' Sarah said curiously. 'Is that true?'

Rose was silent for a few seconds not sure how to answer before saying, 'Maxie was pleased with how I battled, hence why he gave me a Golbat.'

'Nearly everyone here has a Zubat or Golbat.' Sarah said producing her own Zubat from its Pokeball. 'Isn't it cute?'

Rose smiled and nodded as the little blue bat Pokemon flew around the room and said, 'What did you do before you joined Team Magma?'

Her roommate petted the Zubat and said, 'I am from Lavaridge and joined Team Magma as soon as I finished school.' She smiled and said. 'Have you ever had a Lava Cookie? Well they are for Pokemon really but they are still tasty.'

Rose liked her roommate's enthusiasm and said she had never had a Lava Cookie.

'Oh, my Mom makes glass ornaments,' Sarah said happily. 'She taught me a little too, Numel helps me makes these hair pins.' She opened her bedside cabinet drawer and showed Rose the pins. They were a browny-red colour and had a little Team Magma logo at one end.

'They are nice accessories.' Rose said kindly.

'Thank You,' Sarah said happily. 'I'd like you to have some.'

Rose took three pins and put them in her desk drawer and remembered something, 'So when are we going back to Rustboro?' She asked.

Her roommate was unsure and said, 'I think we need to get some parts from there soon.' She paused. 'From a Corporation.'

Rose nodded at this information and started thinking to herself, 'Perhaps I could go back to the Flower Shop...but how will the girls react to seeing me in a Team Magma Uniform...And why had...'

Rose must have been staring into space as she thought this as Sarah said, 'You OK Rose?'

The new Grunt shook her head and said 'Just was thinking about how we will do the mission.'

'Maxie will have a plan,' Sarah said calmly. 'He always has.'

Rose smiled and went to have a shower as her roommate played with her Zubat some more. The shower was very basic but was good enough. Everyone she had met at Team Magma so far seemed to be working towards a common goal and building a better world for people and Pokemon was something she could get behind but still...

After showering Rose went to put on her Team Magma Uniform, it felt comfortable. As the new Grunt went over to the mirror to do her hair Sarah went to shower and said, 'Feel free to clean up my area too, I think you are better at cleaning than me.' Rose nodded as she brushed her hair and tied it into a ponytail.

'Lilligant,' Rose said. 'Help me tidy the whole room.'

'Gant,' The Flowering Pokemon said as the pair made both beds, ensured everything was in place and that the room was clean. In a short amount of time they were done.

'Well done Lilligant, return.' Rose said before she went over to the mirror again to check her uniform was on just right and placed one of the hairpins in her hair. 'They were nice accessories.' She thought to herself.

Sarah had got dressed in the bathroom and walked over to her roommate. 'You know Rose,' She said as she stood beside her. 'The Team Magma Uniform really suits you.'

Rose looked in the mirror but said nothing, the uniform kind of did look good on her.

Sarah put her hood up and said, 'You hungry? Breakfast will be ready in the kitchen soon.'

Rose somewhat awkwardly put her own hood up and nodded. She was famished as she had not eaten since the previous morning.

'Great.' Sarah said as she pulled her phone out. 'Smile Rose, Quick Selfie and there we go, Let's go eat.' The two left their room and headed to the kitchen.
Currently writing - The Rose of Team Magma

Bay

Darkinium Z

Female
Dani California
Seen 1 Hour Ago
Posted 1 Hour Ago
5,698 posts
13.3 Years
I think this chapter having Rose and Sarah get to know one another more works fine here. I would've liked to know more as to how and why Sarah joined Team Magma (did she believe in their cause, for instance). Cute she gave Rose the pins, though.

Don't know if this will happen, but Rose going back to the petal shop but her friends afraid of her sounds like great conflict. Going to the Devon Headquarters also sounds like some interesting things will happen.

Foul Play
[Chapter Nine up!]

LilyGardy

Lilligant Trainer

Female
Celadon Gym
Seen 41 Minutes Ago
Posted 8 Hours Ago
4,164 posts
4.1 Years
Chapter 4 -Ready for Rustboro

Rose and Sarah headed down the hall towards the kitchen. Sarah was walking a little quicker than Rose, the new grunt thought to herself that she must be hungry. In no time at all the two girls were at the kitchen. It was a bit larger than Rose expected - She expected to see a pokey little room featuring a kettle and maybe a microwave but instead she saw a large room with several tables and a food area staffed by three chefs. The walls of the kitchen were the same red stone as the rest of the hideout.

Sarah saw her friend looking around and said, 'Are you hungry or not?' She rushed towards the food area.

Rose shook her head and followed Sarah who was already putting numerous items on her plate. Rose looked at the available items - There was toast with numerous jams available as well as a host of hot foods. Rose placed three slices of toast on her plate and a portion of marmalade.

'Excuse me young lady,' One of the chefs said. 'Is there anything else you would like?'

'Um,' Rose said. 'Do you have any green tea?' She thought she could see Sarah looking at her in bemusement.

'I'm sorry but we do not have that,' The chef said kindly. 'Just regular tea here.'

'Ok, just regular tea please,' Rose said. The chef handed her a kettle containing freshly made tea and milk. Rose then went to sit with Sarah and took her hood down.

'Green Tea?' Sarah said mockingly. 'I don't even like the regular stuff.' She took a sip of what looked like cola.

Rose took a sip of the regular tea and said nothing. The tea tasted pretty good.

Sarah looked at Rose's plate and said, 'Is that all you are having?'

'I'm a light eater.' Rose said noting how Sarah's plate was stacked with bacon and hash browns.

Sarah nodded and said smiling, 'I forgot you were an Aroma Lady for a second there, the Team Magma uniform really suits you.'

'Thank you,' Rose said also smiling.

Sarah's eyes widened as she called someone over, 'Ben, Ben Over here, come meet my new friend.'

A male grunt came and sat next to Sarah. He was shaven headed but had a friendly face. 'This is my friend Rose.' Sarah said. 'She was an Aroma Lady.'

Ben laughed cheerfully and said, 'I know who this is Sarah, we've already met.'

Rose smiled in surprise as Sarah frowned.

'I met her at the Flower Shop with Courtney,' He said. 'One of her Gloom put my Numel to sleep.'

'Well,' Rose said shyly. 'That wasn't technically my Gloom.'

Ben laughed again and looked around quickly before saying with one hand over his mouth, 'Defeating Courtney with your Vileplume...Nicely done.'

Both Sarah and Ben laughed as Rose ate. The toast was tasty if a little dry, the marmalade was good though. Sarah and Ben were talking amongst themselves whilst eating.

The Kitchen started to fill with grunts. Many of the male grunts had shaven heads like Ben some had neat short neat hairstyles. For her fellow female grunts most had the same hair colour and style as Sarah but a few did not including one female grunt with long blonde hair pulled up into a bun. She looked at Sarah - Should she get her hair done like her new friend, would it help her fit in here, would it look good on her? She shook her head and told herself to stop being silly.

As Rose finished her meal a loud howl was heard. 'That's Maxie's Mightyena,' Sarah said. 'We all need to go to the Main Hall now.

Rose looked around and saw the other grunts putting their hoods up and leaving the kitchen. Several grunts had still not finished their breakfast. Rose put her own hood up and followed Sarah and Ben.

'Do you know who your Admin is?' Sarah asked.

'Courtney I think.' Rose answered.

'Mine too,' Sarah said sounding happy. 'Ben's was Courtney but it is Tabitha now.'

'Who is Tabitha?' Rose asked the male grunt.

'He's the other Admin,' Ben said. 'He's alright I guess, doesn't really say much.'

Rose nodded and continued following the Grunts to the Main Hall. When they arrived at the Main Hall Rose was taken aback by it. The walls were the same red stone as the rest of the hideout but the Magma logo was carved along the walls. A large banner featuring the logo hung at the front of the hall just above the stage. Three more banners hung at the back of the hall they were of Maxie, Courtney and a large man who Rose reasoned was Tabitha. Red wooden seats lined the hall and were set in two blocks - Courtney's grunts on one side and Tabitha's on the other.

Rose went to sit next to Sarah at the front of Courtney's block as they waited for Maxie and the admins to appear. Rose looked around and noticed that with their hoods up all the grunts looked very similar. Once all the grunts were in their seats Maxie arrived onto the stage with Tabitha and Courtney.

'Tomorrow we travel to Rustboro to obtain the Devon Parts.' Maxie said. 'Whilst an earlier intel mission went awry I know such an error will not happen again.'

Tabitha chuckled to himself which made Courtney shoot him a dirty look.

'With the Devon Parts we will be closer to achieving our goal of making a better world for ourselves and Pokemon.' Maxie said. 'It can be said that Rustboro is an unassuming city, I am sure some of you know the place well. However we cannot send too many numbers to the Devon Corporation lest we leave our hideout unguarded.

Rose looked around again, she noticed all the grunts were listening intently. She decided to do the same.

'It is for that reason that the grunts who work under Tabitha will remain here. Courtney I would like you to take the lead here. Do not let me down.'

'I will not Maxie.' Courtney said obediently. Rose noticed that Tabitha appeared to be annoyed about having to stay behind.

'Those of you staying here do not be dismayed.' Maxie said. 'Holding our hideout is very important especially from the likes of Team Aqua.'

The grunts on the other side of the room nodded.

'It will not be easy but tomorrow we will take another step towards our goal.' Maxie said. 'A goal to change the world, to make a difference, to improve the world for ourselves and Pokemon.'

The grunts nodded, as did Rose.

The two admins headed towards their respective group of grunts as Maxie stood a little further back watching. Courtney stood in front of the grunts telling each one what they would be doing for the raid on the Devon Corporation tomorrow. As she the grunts were assigned positions they were dismissed leaving just Rose and Sarah.

'Rose,' Courtney said a smug smile forming on her face. 'As you know Rustboro well I will be placing you and your friend here on the doors of the Devon Corporation as lookouts.'

'What will we be looking out for?' Rose asked.

'Anyone who might be against us. Team Aqua, The Police,' She paused and put her face close to Rose. 'Those silly Aroma Ladies.

Rose felt uneasy at facing her friends but said nothing.

'Maxie gave you a Golbat Rose.' Courtney said. 'I am sure I don't need to give you a beginner's role on your first raid.' She tapped the horns of her hood.

Sarah said enthusiastically, 'We won't let you down Courtney. Promise.'

'Good.' Courtney said as she went to speak to Maxie.

Rose and Sarah headed back to their room and Rose's roommate was still excited. 'Wow, Rose.' She said. 'I've never been given such an important role before, See I told you you'd do well here.'

Rose nodded but was conflicted. She knew she was with Team Magma and wanted to help Maxie but why would the police be after them if they were doing nothing wrong and...

'Sarah.' Rose asked. 'Who are Team Aqua?'

'The are like pirates I think.' Sarah said unsure. 'Their Leader is Archie who has a big anchor on his neck and one of their Admins is even bigger than Tabitha.'

'Pirates?' Rose asked.

'Well that's how they dress.' Sarah said sitting on her bed. 'Ben says Maxie and Archie used to be friends.'

Rose nodded and went to look in the mirror. The more times she saw herself in the Magma Uniform the less it fazed her. Maybe Sarah was right when she said she suited the Magma Uniform. She was very different to her roommate but considered her a friend.

'Hey Rose,' Sarah said sitting on the bed and petting her small Pokemon Zubat on her shoulder. 'What do you think of Ben?'

'He's alright I guess,' Rose said now sitting on her bed. 'Why?'

'Do you think he likes me?' Sarah asked.

'I think so.' Rose answered.

The two girls discussed various things for some time including the raid tomorrow. Rose wasn't sure she expected to go 'home' so early but part of her was excited. She felt part of a team and making a difference was something she could get behind. Another part of her was nervous, what if she was caught or recognised, and her flower shop was so close by. She looked at her uniform again. She couldn't go back like this, could she? Perhaps not but still...tomorrow was going to be a very interesting day.
Currently writing - The Rose of Team Magma

Bay

Darkinium Z

Female
Dani California
Seen 1 Hour Ago
Posted 1 Hour Ago
5,698 posts
13.3 Years
This chapter we get to know a bit more of how Team Magma lives and Rose's eating habits. The reference to Maxie and Archie being friends makes me curious if we'll get more background on that eventually.

The part where Sarah asks Rose if Ben likes her I would've liked a bit more body language and reactions between them. For instance, Sarah's face lit up or she's nervous when she tells her she has a crush on him, and Rose probably is taken aback but smiles regardless.

Foul Play
[Chapter Nine up!]

VisionofMilotic

Lover of Dragons

Female
Sootopolis City
Seen 1 Hour Ago
Posted 8 Hours Ago
2,845 posts
3.3 Years
Good to be back reading this, I am in the mood for something pleasant! Let's to a 2-for-1 review. 1 post for two awesome chapters!

Its been nice getting to hang out with the Sarah, a very delicate scene for your 3rd chapter. I have yet to read any fanfic where pokemon fanfic glassmaking was discussed in the story. I think it is a very unique detail that she comes from such a family. Lavaridge Town is an interesting environment with her hot springs, caves and the falling ash just outside, so it was a cool idea to introduce a character from that area of Hoenn. I can picture numel now helping to make those pretty hair pins!

I also love that even in the crime underworld Rose manages to still be the elegant flower shop girl, tidying up the room, being conscientious about what the girls at the flower shop would say and think, making sure her hair is still on point. It is an amusing contradiction in a team Magma member. And Lilligant!!!

I noticed in Ch 4 that Team Magma has a fair bit of style-- even if they were out of green tea teehee. I mean, keeping a staff of chefs on hand is still nice, which is fitting since Maxie was always struck me as the morw sophisticated boss than Archie.

I really feel like I am in the room with Team Magma like family as we continue to meet new folks, now Ben!

I also think its cool how you use Mightyena as a character, sounding the arm for members with howl. Even baddies have relationship with their pokemon.

Today feels like the first day of school for being a Team Magma member, learning who gour admin is, formal meetings in the main hall, Maxie takes the stage for a speech. I love it! I have enjoyed all four chapters of this story, but this one might be my favorite. The plot thickens now with an spt mission and mischief in Rustboro looming, and Team Aqua. Oh boy! Great job on this one LilyGardy!

Name: Narcissus
Adopt one yourself! @Pokémon Orphanage



I got Haxorus on "What Dragon-Type Pokemon are you?" https://quotev.com/quiz/5077163

LilyGardy

Lilligant Trainer

Female
Celadon Gym
Seen 41 Minutes Ago
Posted 8 Hours Ago
4,164 posts
4.1 Years
Chapter 5 - Raid on Rustboro

Rose awoke the next morning and sat up. As she did so she noticed that her roommate was already up and dressed.

'I'm so excited for today Rose,' Sarah said. 'We are at the frontline helping the team.'

Rose sat on the edge of her bed and said, 'I'm a little nervous, Rustboro is where my home is.'

Sarah smiled at her fellow grunt and said, 'Nobody will recognise you Rose,' She handed Rose her uniform. 'This really suits you too.'

Rose nodded and went over to the mirror to get ready. She changed into her uniform and brushed her hair. She put her hair into a ponytail and pinned her fringe back using one of the hairpins Sarah gave her. She put her hood up ensuring no hair was visible. She looked just like the other female grunts and she had to admit she was starting to like the uniform. She quickly tidied the room and headed to the kitchen for breakfast with Sarah.

The two girls ordered their breakfast and went to eat. Rose sipped her tea and had barely started eating when Courtney burst into the kitchen and said, 'My Grunts, go to the main hall now, Maxie says we must start early.'

Almost immediately the Team Magma members in question stood up and headed to the Hall. Rose saw the grunts dash past her as Sarah hurriedly stood up and followed them. Rose tried to finish her toast when she saw Courtney stood over her.
'Grunt Rose,' She said somewhat frustrated. 'Follow me.'

Rose did so and the Magma Admin spoke quickly to her, 'The role you and Sarah have is very important, I am sure your Pokemon are up to the challenge of repelling anyone who will interfere with our plan.'

Rose nodded as she checked she had her Pokeballs.

'Good,' Courtney said bluntly as she glared at Rose. 'Do not let me down.'

The two entered the Hall and Rose saw that Courtney's group were all stood in a block, Rose went to stand next to Sarah as the Admin started to address the group,

'Grunts, you all know your roles today. We must obtain the Devon Parts and bring pride to Team Magma,' She paused for a moment before saying, 'Grunt Rose and Sarah please stand either side of me, rest of you follow me.' Rose did so and the group left the hideout before entering a Camerupt themed submarine. As the vehicle headed towards its destination Rose's felt awkward for a moment but shook herself out of it. Nobody would recognise her like this.

After a short time the submarine docked at a beach on Route 115. 'Rose, Sarah either side of me.' Courtney said as the group stepped onto the beach. Rose did so and she was surprised at how a beauty trainer was looking at them.

'Magma! You're not welcome here' She said defiantly as she sent out a Shroomish.

'Ahahaha. Is that so?' Courtney laughed tapping Rose on the shoulder. 'Grunt deal with this silly girl.'

Rose with a very slight hesitation sent out her Golbat and said, 'Golbat Wing Attack!' The Bat Pokemon flew into Shroomish and slapped it hard with her wing. In an instant the Mushroom Pokemon fell.

'Oh dear!' Courtney said mockingly as the beauty attended to her Pokemon. 'You lost so pay.' Her face broke into a sly smile.

'Here,' The beauty said giving Courtney $300. 'Just leave me alone.'

Courtney laughed as the group headed towards their destination. 'Well done Grunt Rose,' She said. 'Your first battle as a member of Team Magma.' She laughed.

Rose nodded but said nothing. She felt bad for upsetting the beauty trainer but...she lost her train of thought as they entered Rustboro and she had mixed feelings at being back so soon. She had spent most of her life here as a valued member of the city and as the owner of the local flower shop...and here she was now...for a good cause but still...

Residents of Rustboro stood and watched the group head towards the Devon Corporation. A family of four talked amongst themselves whilst an old man looked around nervously.

'Rose, Sarah you wait here,' Courtney said. 'Nobody gets in.'

Both girls nodded as the rest of the group entered the building. Rose checked her Pokeballs, she was ready but she was taken aback by the bespectacled Aroma Lady approaching her. It was her fellow Flower Shop girl Claire.

'Rose,' The Aroma Lady said. 'You're one of them now?'

'Claire.' The new grunt said. 'It's hard to explain but...'

'When Magma came into our shop we defeated them and now you have joined them.' Claire said in disbelief as she gave Rose a piercing stare.

'Claire,' Rose said. 'I'm sorry but the Flower Shop is safe.'

'And you are now a criminal.' Claire said firmly.

Rose went to challenge the Aroma Lady to a battle but thought better of it and said, 'Please look after the Flower Shop for me.'

Claire tossed her hair and shook her head, 'Goodbye Magma Rose.' She said as she walked away.

Rose was upset at Claire rejecting her but did not have time to compose her thoughts as an Officer Jenny marched up to them. 'Step aside girls.' She said. 'By order of the law.'

The two Magma grunts refused.

'Fine.' The Officer Jenny said. 'Growlithe go.'

'Growl Growl lithe' The puppy Pokemon said.

'Numel I choose you.' Sarah said.

The two battled. The Officer's Growlithe used Bite which caused minor damage to the Numb Pokemon then Sarah ordered Numel to use Magnitude. It landed on Magnitude 8 the ground near Growlithe and Officer Jenny shook significantly and the Puppy Pokemon fainted. Officer Jenny herself fell to one knee to regain her balance.

Once the ground had stopped shaking Officer Jenny sent out her second Pokemon. She threw the Pokeball and a Pelipper appeared. It's large bill looked intimidating and goofy at the same time.

'Numel Return.' Sarah said noticing the type disadvantage against an evolved Pokemon.

'I'll deal with this,' Rose said. 'Golbat, Supersonic.'

'Bat Gol Gol.' Rose's Zubat said as she made an odd screeching noise towards the water bird. Pelipper seemed confused by the noise.

'Pelipper,' Jenny said. 'Water Gun.'

'Pellip,' Her Pokemon said as it fired a stream of water onto the ground below it, a little bit of water splashed back onto it.'

'Golbat, now Wing Attack.' Rose said.

Golbat slapped the bird with its wing causing Pelipper to sway to the side slightly.

'Pelipper Water Gun!' Officer Jenny said.

Pelipper's attack was on target this time but Golbat blocked most of the attack with its wing.

'Golbat, Screech.' Rose said firmly.

Golbat let out an ear piercing sound which made Pelipper sway uneasily. The birds bill appeared to be drooping.

'Pelipper Water Gun.' Jenny said but the water bird's attack missed.

'Your opponent is weakened, Golbat Wing Attack.' Rose said.

'Bat.' Golbat said as it swung it's wing and struck Pelipper under it's right wing. The attack connected perfectly knocking the bird out of the sky and causing it to come crashing to the ground defeated.

'Pelipper return.' Officer Jenny said. 'I hate fighting Magma's, time for my final Pokemon. Go Arcanine.'

Before Arcanine could make its appearance the rest of the group came racing out of the building.

'Of course the Champion was there.' One of the grunts said in frustration.

Courtney also came out of the building holding some documents. 'Rose, Sarah,' She said as she gestured for the two to run. 'We at least got something. Let's head back.'

The group rushed to the submarine. Rose thought the battle with Officer Jenny was exciting and was proud of Sarah, her Pokemon and Golbat. However she was unhappy at how Claire had reacted and had judged her. As the group talked excitedly on the submarine about the raid Rose took her hood down and was deep in thought.

Courtney folded her arms and looked directly forward. The raid was unsuccessful but they had not left empty-handed. She looked at Rose and smiled.
Currently writing - The Rose of Team Magma

Bay

Darkinium Z

Female
Dani California
Seen 1 Hour Ago
Posted 1 Hour Ago
5,698 posts
13.3 Years
All right so the plot moved a bit more forward now. Not surprised Rose got rejected by Claire, but it still must hurt her pretty bad. Sarah was with Rose when that happened, right? It would've been nice if she talked to Rose about that encounter, for instance Sarah asking, "Is that your former friend there?" Rose seemed to got a bit hyped there while battling Officer Jenny, wonder if she'll have that same feeling in later battles.

Hm, since you're writing this mostly in Rose's POV, I think you can take out the bit where Claire first notices Rose. That way, Claire's appearance in Rose's POV is much more shocking. Also, I feel Sarah and Officer Jenny's first bit of the battle you could've described a bit more. For instance, instead of Growlithe use Bite and take damage, described how Growlithe sunk its teeth onto Numel and such. Rose's battle with Officer Jenny was better described there.

I think that's all from me! Looking forward to where this goes next!

Foul Play
[Chapter Nine up!]

Venia Silente

Inspectious. Good for napping.

Male
on the second floor's nest
Seen 4 Hours Ago
Posted 14 Hours Ago
839 posts
10.9 Years
So, I started reading this a good while ago and I think it is a pretty good story, even though I'm only caught up to Ch. 3, but I thought it was about time I made mention of it and gave some sort of feedback. Also of course I plan to catch up more, just have to clear some things off my backlog.

What to say I like from the story, it's that it's an interesting concept where you go right into it without feeling the need to overexplain things. A character who joins one of the Pokéworld's criminal organizations not exactly by choice, but not exactly coerced either, and thus gains a particular insight into the why of it and they have to go through some amount of awkwardness and a sort of... what to call it, Evil Team slice of life?

And all because in the Pokémon world every problem up to "I want to burn down your building" is solved via a Pokémon battle, heh.

I do have the feeling, and I have seen it shared elsewhere, that Rose is very soft and reactive and not proactive enough, in particular in the beginning, which is how she ends up "signing up" to Magma and how easily she takes it, but on the other hand I think it is a good thing, for now, that not much deep thought is put into it and you focus on exploring the central thing happening. I think it would also be interesting to see how she performs outside of her element, given she's switching from Grass to eventually Fire, a type strong against it.

And man, you can sign up to Magma as soon as you finish high school? Damn, they must have a really good dental plan!
Venia Silente - Consulting Worldbuilder
Background... some day.
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LilyGardy

Lilligant Trainer

Female
Celadon Gym
Seen 41 Minutes Ago
Posted 8 Hours Ago
4,164 posts
4.1 Years
Chapter 6 - Back at the Hideout

The Magma group arrived back at the hideout and followed Courtney to the main hall. She turned to address them and said:

'Grunts whilst we did not get what we were looking for we did obtain something which should help us in our mission. I think that Maxie will be pleased. You may all now go.

The grunts talked amongst themselves as they left the hall. As she was leaving Courtney called Rose over. She said, 'Your first raid as a Team Magma member Grunt Rose and you managed to defeat an Officer.'

Rose nodded and said, 'Yes, but I had help from my friend Sarah.'

Courtney smiled and said, 'On the next raid you will stand by my side again Grunt Rose. You have done well.'

Rose smiled kindly and said, 'Did you just praise me Courtney?'

Courtney paused for a moment and said, 'Do not get used to it Grunt Rose.'

Rose nodded.

Courtney looked over the former Aroma Lady's shoulder and said, 'Your friend is waiting for you. I must inform Maxie of the raids events.

Courtney left the hall and Sarah walked up to Rose. 'What did Courtney want to speak to you about?' She asked.

'She wants me by her side in the next raid.' Rose answered.

'You defeated that Officer's Pelipper.' Sarah said. 'We need to tell the other grunts. Let's go to the games room.'

The two female grunts took their hoods down and headed to the games room. It had the same red stone walls as the rest of the hideout and had several types of entertainment placed all over the room. There was a well used air hockey table near the entrance of the room and the room was filled with the sounds of two pinball tables at the back of the room as well as the spinning of the players of the nearby football table. Grunts were happily playing and Rose also heard a bit of trash talking between them. In one corner of the room was a small television which several grunts were watching.
'Over there Rose.' Sarah said pointing towards one of the pinball tables. 'There's Ben.'

They went over to the male grunt and after he greeted Rose Ben and Sarah started speaking quickly amongst themselves. Rose wondered what they were talking about before catching her reflection in the pinball table. She retyed her hair into a high ponytail and decided to play. The brunette had never played a pinball table in her life so did not know what to expect. The beeps and boops of the machine washed over her as she tried to score as high as possible. She was playing a solid game of pinball when suddenly a gasp came from the grunts watching the tv.

'We're on TV.' One of the female grunts said loudly. Rose went to stand next to Sarah and Ben as they watched the broadcast:

'Today, the villainous group calling themselves Team Magma launched an attack on the quiet City of Rustboro. A female reporter said. 'It is believed that they were after data from the highly respected Devon Corporation. Understandably the City is shaken by this disturbance. Whilst the Devon Corporation have not yet commented we do have an eyewitness. She is Claire, the current owner of the Pretty Petal Flower Shop.'

'But I'm the Owner.' Rose said to herself.

The broadcast cut to show the Aroma Lady. Her long hair was tied up in a bun, she had on a long green dress and wore matching glasses. 'Claire,' The reporter said. 'Please tell us what you saw of the attack.'

Claire blinked and said, 'Whilst I did not see what happened inside I did see the group enter the Devon building after they barged into the city and one of the members guarding the entrance...I recognised.

'Please continue.' The reporter said.

'It was the former owner of Pretty Petal Rose.' Claire said. 'I didn't want to believe it was her stood in that vile uniform next to that scruffy Magma girl.'

'Scruffy?' Sarah said visibly annoyed. Ben shook his head.

'I imagine that was quite a shock to you.' The reporter said.

Claire nodded and said, 'What really upset me was what she said to me,' She looked down at the ground and said, 'She said I should go or she would attack my dear Pokemon, How could she...She was my friend.'

The reporter nodded as Claire continued.

'She said she was Team Magma now and I was just a stupid flower girl, I looked up to her and she says that to me,' She looked right at the reporter. 'Then she and her inelegant friend attacked the Officer Jenny's Pokemon.'

'Flower Shop Owner Claire thank you for your thoughts.' The reporter said turning to the camera. 'What devious plans do Team Magma have planned next. Thankfully they did not cause too much damage in Rustboro. This is Reporter Sonya for Hoenn News.'

The other grunts talked amongst themselves and Sarah was incensed, 'How dare that flower girl mock my appearance.' She said. 'Who is she to judge me or Rose?'

Ben put his hand on Sarah's shoulder and tried to calm Sarah down. Sarah shook her head and said, 'Rose, you did great in the raid.'

'I know but,' Rose said sadly. 'Claire lied, I was nice to her when she confronted us.'

Sarah frustrated said, 'She doesn't seem very nice. She lied on television making you sound like...' She was cut off.

'A criminal.' Rose said folding her arms. 'I can't go back to being an Aroma Lady now.' She went to stand by the pinball table. Sarah and Ben went to stand by her.

'Why would you want to?' Sarah asked. 'You've got friends here now.' She gave Rose a hug.

'You've shown yourself to be really good at battling too.' Ben said as Sarah nodded.

'And you really suit the uniform.' Sarah said.

Rose looked at her reflection in the pinball table. She really did look good in the uniform.

Sarah gave her friend a hug again and Rose said, 'Ignore what Claire said Sarah,' She smiled. 'She's always been putting others down on their looks.'

A murmuring was heard as the Grunts left the room.

'Another Magma meeting?' Rose asked. 'I didn't hear Mightyena.'

Ben laughed and said, 'No, they are watching the football game in the TV room. It's the Mossdeep Rockets against the Lavaridge Burn.'

'My team. Let's go Ben.' Sarah said as they followed the other grunts. 'You coming Rose?'

Rose smiled and said, 'Football isn't really my thing. I'll clean up in here.'

'Still such a Lady.' Sarah said kindly. 'The TV room is near the library if you change your mind. See you later Rose.'

Rose went to straighten up the games and with the help of Lilligant tidied up the leftover rubbish and dusted both pinball tables. 'Well done Lilligant.' She said once they were done.

'Gant.' The Flowering Pokemon said happily as the little Lilligant went back in her Pokeball.

Rose went to have another go on the pinball table but before she could get into her rhythm was interrupted by a female voice saying, 'Wow Chloe it looks super clean in here for a change.'

Rose turned around and saw two near identical girls. They were slightly taller than Rose and had long straight black hair and wore red dresses. The only difference between the two was one wore glasses and one did not.

'It is clean in here Cindy,' The bespectacled twin said then spotted Rose. 'Oh, I don't think we have met before.'

'I am new here.' Rose said. 'I was the owner of the Pretty Petal Flower Shop.'

'Oh, I love flowers.' The other twin said. 'I'm Cindy and this is my twin Chloe.'

'You're not dressed like the other grunts.' Rose said skeptically.

'Oh that's because we are not grunts.' Chloe said touching her glasses. 'Well not exactly, we detest battling but believe in Maxie and Team Magma so we moved from our salon in Lilycove...'

'To become the trusted beauticians of Team Magma.' Cindy said finishing her twins sentence. 'I trust you have a style in mind for your new role here.'

'Not exactly.' Rose said a little taken aback.

The twins took a look at Rose and nodded at each other. 'To the salon.' Chloe said. 'We can discuss what style you would like. The two beckoned Rose out of the room as they nodded again to each other.

Rose wasn't sure what to make of the twin beauticians but decided to follow them. She smiled and thought to herself, 'This might be fun.'
Currently writing - The Rose of Team Magma

Bay

Darkinium Z

Female
Dani California
Seen 1 Hour Ago
Posted 1 Hour Ago
5,698 posts
13.3 Years
Last time I mentioned Sarah’s reaction to Rose and Clarie was missing, so I’m glad we get that now in this chapter. A bit amusing Sarah got mad for being called stuffy. And huh, interesting you have a couple members of Team Magma doing other jobs besides being grunt trainers. Am curious if you’ll have more members like that.

Sarah frustrated said, 'She doesn't seem very nice. She called you a criminal and lied on television making you sound like...' She was cut off.

'A criminal.' Rose said folding her arms. 'I can't go back to being an Aroma Lady now.' She went to stand by the pinball table. Sarah and Ben went to stand by her.
This exchange sounds awkward since you already have Sarah saying Rose’s friend called her a criminal. Maybe take out the “She called you a criminal” part in Sarah’s second dialogue there.

Foul Play
[Chapter Nine up!]

LilyGardy

Lilligant Trainer

Female
Celadon Gym
Seen 41 Minutes Ago
Posted 8 Hours Ago
4,164 posts
4.1 Years
Chapter 7 - A new look

Rose followed the two beauticians to their salon. She noticed the twins were speaking very quickly to each other. 'What were they saying?' She thought to herself. Rose had to walk quickly to keep up with the beauticians before they came to a door which had a pink neon sign saying 'Salon CC'. The twins pushed the door open together and beckoned Rose in.

Rose was a little surprised at what she saw. The walls were the same red stone as the rest of the hideout and whilst there was an expensive looking leather chair in the centre and several mirrors in the room this had to be the sparsest salon she had ever seen.
'Let's see,' Chloe said as she quickly circled around Rose. 'Clearly Cindy this girl knows how to take care of herself.'

'I agree Chloe.' Her fellow beautician said as she stared at Rose. 'She is an Aroma Lady, who were among our most regular clients in Lilycove.'

'Was an Aroma Lady my sister,' Chloe said touching her glasses.

The bespectacled beautician spotted the Magma hairpin. 'Did you make this?' She asked taking it out of Rose's hair causing her fringe to fall forward over one eye. Rose quickly batted it away.

'No,' Rose answered. 'My friend Sarah did.'

'That surprises me.' Chloe said rotating the pin around as she inspected it. 'This is lovely, I didn't think she would make something this pretty.'

Cindy also looked at the pin. 'We can ask her about these when she finally comes in...' She shook her head. 'Not that her hair looks bad though.'

The two nodded to each other before pointing to the chair. Rose went to sit as her Magma Uniform was covered by a black cover with little gold CC motifs printed on it. Cindy untyed Rose's hair and started talking quickly to her fellow beautician. After a few moments she asked Rose. 'What do you have in mind?'

She was slightly taken aback by the question. She had worn the same neat bob style for a long time at least until she had joined Team Magma and started putting her hair up. Her current situation meant asking for 'the usual' seemed wrong somehow and what about the colour? Most of the grunts had blueish black hair, should she follow suit? She looked at the dyes to her side, red, black, purple...no blonde that seemed unusual and who had purple hair...of course Courtney.

'If you just want us to come up with something it's fine.' Chloe said seemingly annoyed at Rose's lack of response.

'Oh,' Rose said. 'Keep a similar style and...I want black hair.'

'Excellent choice.' Chloe said. 'Are you sure? I don't think we've got chocolate brown in case you want to go back.'

'I want black hair.' Rose said again. 'I have never had it before.'

'Of course.' Chloe responded before walking to the other side of the room. 'Cindy if you can trim Rose's hair.'

'Of course.' Cindy responded before she started to hum a tune that Rose was sure she had heard before...'

'That's the theme for Pokemon Centers on the radio.' Rose said.

Cindy nodded and said, 'Before becoming a beautician with my older sister I was training to be a Nurse Joy.'

'Older?' Rose asked.

'By 7 minutes,' Cindy said. 'Do you wear glasses Rose?'

'Sometimes.' She answered. 'Normally only when I'm reading though.

'Hmmm.' Cindy said as she continued to trim Rose's hair. 'Can you send Sarah to us when you next see her. We could use some of those pins.'

'I will.' Rose said.

Chloe walked over to her twin with the black hair dye. 'This dye is made using Octillery ink,' She said. 'Really effective, dries real quick too.'

Rose was intrigued and said, 'Quick Drying?'

'Yes.' Chloe answered. 'Imported from Kalos but I have to collect it from Slateport because apparently Team Magma are an 'evil' organization.'

'As if helping Pokemon is evil.' Cindy said shaking her head. 'Besides it's not like we go on the frontline, the grunts do that.'

'Cindy.' Chloe said in slight surprise. 'Rose is a Grunt.'

Cindy smiled and said, 'Yes, and a very capable one from what I've heard.' She paused for a moment. 'It's amazing what people talk about when getting their hair done.'

The two beauticians nodded quickly at each other before Cindy brushed Rose's hair giving her an even neater bob than before. Cindy then stepped back as Chloe calmly started applying the black dye to the former Aroma Lady's hair.
'Keep your head still.' She said as she applied the dye. Rose spotted that the dye had a yellow-green Octillery on the label. It must be the leading brand in Kalos she reasoned.

Rose watched in the mirror as her hair was part by part turned black. Chloe said nothing outside of a few grunts whilst applying the dye. Rose could tell that the beautician was concentrating hard. After a short while Chloe stepped back and turned to Cindy before they nodded at each enough.
'Now a lot of grunts choose a more bluey black colour,' Cindy said but I must admit the jet black looks good on you.'

'Thank you.' Rose said as the two beauticians quickly styled her hair then put it into a high ponytail using a black hair elastic. They then gave her a fringe which was brushed to one side. It was similar to what she had before but Rose had to admit she really liked it and the new colour too.

'There we go.' Cindy said removing the cover. 'Looking good Rose.'

Rose nodded and thanked the beauticians before leaving the salon. On her way to her room she saw Courtney who said, 'Grunt Rose, Maxie would like to see you.'

Rose nodded and followed the admin. Courtney noticed Rose's new hairstyle and smiled to herself.
Currently writing - The Rose of Team Magma

Bay

Darkinium Z

Female
Dani California
Seen 1 Hour Ago
Posted 1 Hour Ago
5,698 posts
13.3 Years
Rose getting a new look, huh? Guess that would happen sooner or later. Hm, if I were Rose I would've asked the twin that mentioned she was a going to be a Nurse Joy. What made her change career paths?

Foul Play
[Chapter Nine up!]

LilyGardy

Lilligant Trainer

Female
Celadon Gym
Seen 41 Minutes Ago
Posted 8 Hours Ago
4,164 posts
4.1 Years
Chapter 8 - Meeting with Maxie

'Maxie seems to be impressed with you so far Grunt Rose,' Courtney said. 'Of course it is because of me that you are here.'

Rose sensed a touch of mocking in Courtney's comment even if she was correct. The pair continued walking until they reached Maxie's room, Rose noted the door to Maxie's office was made with what looked like black marble with a red 'M' magma logo emblazoned onto it. The two entered and saw the Magma Leader sitting at his desk.

'I've brought Grunt Rose as requested Maxie.' Courtney said.

'Thank you,' Maxie said firmly yet calmly as he gestured to the two girls to sit down. 'We only have one Rose in Team Magma, no need to state her rank.'

Courtney shuffled a little as Maxie turned to Rose.

'Courtney tells me you did exceedingly well in your role during the Rustboro raid,' He said. 'Defeating an Officer's Pelipper in your first raid is impressive.'

'Maxie,' Courtney said respectfully. 'I have told Rose that she will stand by my side in the next raid.'

'Yes,' Maxie said. 'She has done well so far, battling surprisingly well.'

Rose nodded and said, 'Pelipper is a fully evolved Pokemon so I knew it would be strong which is why I started with Supersonic.'

Maxie nodded in approval. 'You understand you cannot win on brute force alone.

Rose thought she could see in the corner of her eye Courtney give her a mean look. The ponytailed girl said, 'Yes, Aroma Ladies rarely win battles with strength alone.'

'You're not an Aroma Lady anymore Rose.' Courtney said looking directly at her.

Rose pulled on her ponytail and said, 'Perhaps not...but I can use my time as an Aroma Lady to help Team Magma.'

The Magma Leader opened a drawer in his desk and looked in it for a moment before pulling out a Pokeball. 'You seem to have bonded with Golbat well.' He said. 'Here is your second Magma Pokemon.'

'Thank you Maxie.' Rose said. She threw the Pokeball on her lap and a small purple Pokemon came out of it. It floated in the air resembling a purple mine. It had a skull and crossbones marking on the lower part of it's body and excitedly said 'Koffing!' Rose looked at the Pokemon and petted it. The Pokemon said, 'Koffing' happily.

'Koffing is a pure poison type for your team.' Maxie said. 'Do be aware though Koffing are known to explode without warning. Not that I have had to ever worry about that.'

'Maxie,' Courtney said smiling. 'Did you know there is a musician in Unova who wrote a song about Koffing.'

Maxie responded by nodding but said nothing. Rose saw the sizeable bookshelf behind the Magma Leader and guessed it was something he did know.

'From what Courtney's told me I have been impressed with you so far Rose but Koffing is not a beginner's Pokemon,' Maxie said to the Magma Grunt. 'I suggest you visit the library to familiarise yourself with the species.'

'I will.' Rose said as she returned her new Pokemon to its Pokeball.

'The next raid will be in a couple of days,' Maxie said. 'I trust you will both be ready.'

Both girls nodded and Courtney said, 'Yes Maxie.'

'Courtney, Rose. Thank you.' The Magma Leader said as he finished the meeting.

Once out of Maxie's room Courtney said to Rose, 'Seriously Koffing are tricky, really surprised he gave one to a grunt.'

Rose noted Courtney's advice said, 'I best go to the library.'
As Rose headed towards the library she thought about how much Courtney respected the Magma Leader. Maxie's aim to help Pokemon was one she could believe in.

She checked she had her glasses case in her pocket, she knew little about Koffing so reading up on it was important.
Currently writing - The Rose of Team Magma

Bay

Darkinium Z

Female
Dani California
Seen 1 Hour Ago
Posted 1 Hour Ago
5,698 posts
13.3 Years
I love the reference to Roxie there. Also, I like you have Koffing be not for beginners due to their unpredictable nature.

Just real quick, I noticed you have described Rose through descriptors like "Magma Grunt" and "pony-tailed girl." Since this is in Rose's POV, you would avoid using those since you usually don't yourself like that. Her name and pronouns should suffice.

Foul Play
[Chapter Nine up!]

VisionofMilotic

Lover of Dragons

Female
Sootopolis City
Seen 1 Hour Ago
Posted 8 Hours Ago
2,845 posts
3.3 Years
Awesome, It's good to be back with Rose! I've got some catching up to do, hopefully this week I can indulge myself in every chapter. I just read Chapter 5, a nice long chapter too!

Rose's nervous ambiguous feelings about going to Rostboro to attack her home are understandable, and I think you did well communicating a variety of emotions, and in a dialogue that's mostly in her head at that. Maxie chose the place dearest to her heart to test her loyalty I think. It seems appropriate to what a cult leader would do. I know he has business in Rostboro, but it being Rose who goes just doesn't feel accidental to me.

My eyes lit up when you mentioned the submarine ride. We have Magma, who is fire, taking a trip through water, and I like it! The little kid in me wants to sneak inside that submarine and see some more of what's going on in there, and check what all the chamber's look like. I hope I get another underwater ride, where I can explore this place skme more.

It's fun to see Courtney take a mentor role of sorts, be it a dark one.

I think it is really neat that you added the game dynamics of exchanging money for a loss battle. I hadn't seen anyone do that before. I adore the whole game-like structure where we identify trainers by their class, something about that is just cute, self-referential.

Fighting the beauty trainer and her grass pokemon is like Rose looking into a mirror. That could have been Rose.

You have a lot of really detailed and strong battle scenes, as well as a detailed picture of Rose's mental state, and the vibes of depression and the humiliation that come over her as she encounters her fellow trainers, and the conflict she feels because genuinely believes she is making sacrifices in the name of a good cause.

A nice, emotional scene between Clair and Rose. I can feel the tension. I wonder if Clair will return in future? Hmmmm... I think she is interesting enough that she she could be someone who continues to eat away at Rose's guilt. What if she who got in Team Magma's away and fought them and they decide to eliminate her? How would Rose react? Would stand by torn? Try to save her? Personally kill her? What if Clair tried to meet with Rose again to convince her change her ways and come back? Or what if Clair was kidnapped and they tried to make another Rose of Magma from Clair? I just like this character, even your smaller characters interest me, there's enough to spin-off into something more one day if you ever have need of a sequel. :)

I love this chapter, and the Rose of Team Magma. Your work gets better, and better. I'm checking out Chapter 6 now, update pending. You have a beautiful tale.

P.S One last thing I loved to see officer Jenny and her hounds! The battle of fighting fire with fire :)

Name: Narcissus
Adopt one yourself! @Pokémon Orphanage



I got Haxorus on "What Dragon-Type Pokemon are you?" https://quotev.com/quiz/5077163

the_fast_reader

Overanalyzing Pokemon for 20 years

Female
Italy
Online now
Posted 16 Hours Ago
453 posts
32 Days
Hi!
This fic immediately caught my eye for the title alone(I love anything about Team Magma and Aqua) but it took me a couple of days to catch up to the current chapter.

I like the story so far, someone coerced into joining one of the two Teams offers a unique perspective, and I hope to see more of Rose's view of what's happening to her and her interaction with other members of the Team.
(I also am already totally hoping for Ben and Sarah to end up together, I would love to see more about those two)

She seems to be going along with it for now, but what does she think about her new comrades? Does she see them as criminals? Is she conflicted about stealing and being seen as a criminal herself? Is she just going along for now and will try to escape and going back to her old life or has she joined the Magma's cause for good?

What is the public opinion/knowledge of the two Teams? In the first chapter Rose recognized them as Magma but in a following chapter it looks like she does not know who Team Aqua is.

I found that interesting since it could be possible that people in various cities of Hoenn are more familiar with the Team that's "closer" to them.

I like the way you describe Pokemon battles and Rose's strategic thinking; another thing I found interesting is how the characters identity themselves with their "trainer class". It's a unique idea and I would love to have some more worldbuilding about this: is there a in-universe reason for this or is it just for "flavor"? Are you required to specify a class when you get your Pokemon license? Do trainer of a certain "class" get things like discounts or incentives? I don't know, maybe a Bird Keeper gets a discount on buying bird feed for his Pokemon or stuff like that, ahah. I think the idea has potential to get explored more because it could lead to a very unique view on the Pokemon world.

VisionofMilotic

Lover of Dragons

Female
Sootopolis City
Seen 1 Hour Ago
Posted 8 Hours Ago
2,845 posts
3.3 Years
/rubs hands together
Alright! Chapter 6!

Now this is interesting Rose is rising through the ranks fast. Courtney's right hand. It seems even Courtney has a human side that likes Rose a bit...at least for now. She's such an unpredictable person.

I never thought I would see Team Magma Grunts playing pool and watching TV. It's quite amusing. Since they seem kinda naive like teens having fun it makes me want to forgive their missions to revive Groudon.

Rose being caught on the news was the last thing I expected. Uh-oh! No going back for Rose now, also her missions have just gotten more dangerous I think because now she has been publicly identified as working team Magma. Wanted posters will probably be everywhere. She's a prime target. Will Maxie throw her under the bus as damaged goods? Or are her talents the valuable to lose?


Aroma Ladies I must say are funny, in the middle of having the store robbed only an aroma lady would notice a fashion faux pas!

What is really interesting is Clair's lie. I wonder why she changed her story, especially about something petty like what Rose really said. It intrigues me. I wonder if she may have always harbored a jealousy of Rose.

It looks like Team Magma might be kinder to Rose than the rest of the world. She was kidnapped, but rather than being a prisoner this lifestyle has offered her a kind of freedom. Perhaps as a law-abiding citizen, in a clique of people like Clair who are not true friends, doing the same activities everyday in her pretty flower shop, that was the life that actually kept Rose more restricted. She might be happier as a wild rose than a domesticated one.

I enjoy this chapter very much, especially since it offers a change of pace from the many battles, and a little more humor. Good job as always!
And you have left us with two new characters for double the trouble, twins Cindy and Chloe. I think their characters are useful to show a less militant side of Team Magma. I had not considered just how many different jobs members of Team Magma might occupy.

You have really done a great job developing Team Magma as a believable organization. This could totally be the basis for an anime spin-off about Team Magma.

Name: Narcissus
Adopt one yourself! @Pokémon Orphanage



I got Haxorus on "What Dragon-Type Pokemon are you?" https://quotev.com/quiz/5077163

LilyGardy

Lilligant Trainer

Female
Celadon Gym
Seen 41 Minutes Ago
Posted 8 Hours Ago
4,164 posts
4.1 Years
Chapter 9 - A Book's Cover

Rose arrived at the library and was surprised at the size of it. Tall Bookcases covered three of the four walls and a small set of chairs was set up towards the back of the room. The library was well lit but she also noted was quite dusty. She spotted a man sat at a desk in the corner of the library and went to speak to him.

'Excuse me,' Rose said. 'I am looking for a book on the Pokemon Koffing.'

The man looked up from the book he was reading and said, 'We don't have any books on Koffing specifically but we do have a book on Pokemon like Koffing.'

'A book on Poison type Pokemon?' Rose said.

The man nodded and said, 'Yes.' He produced a Pokeball in which a Spearow appeared. 'Spearow, show this lady where the book is.'

The bird Pokemon made a couple of screeching noises before flying to the other side of the library.

Rose followed the little Spearow which had perched itself on the book Rose wanted. She picked out the book and went to sit on one of the chairs. She looked at the librarian who had gone back to the book he was reading, his Spearow was stood quietly on his shoulder. She was surprised that he had taught his Pokemon where the books were. She put on her glasses and opened the book.

She turned to the contents page and there was an entry for numerous poison types. 'Koffing page 55' she said to herself. She turned to the page and started to read. She found out about Koffing's unpredictability which Maxie had mentioned and that it's evolved form was a two headed Pokemon known as Weezing. Rose tossed her Pokeball so Koffing could come out.

'Koff, Koff, Koffing.' The Poison Gas Pokemon said as he started to float happily around Rose. She petted the mine-like Pokemon and continued to read but in the corner of her eye saw the librarian's Spearow pull a book from high on the furthest bookcase. Unfortunately this caused numerous books to also fall off.

'Clumsy bird.' A familiar voice said. Rose looked up and noticed it was Cindy who picked up the book the Spearow picked out and left.

'It's ok Spearow.' The librarian said petting the tiny bird Pokemon. Books were strewn across the floor and Rose went over to the man.

'Can I help you?' She asked as he hurriedly picked up the fallen books.

The librarian stood up and nodded. He was a few inches taller than Rose and smartly dressed in a red shirt and black trousers. He had black hair which was neat but covered his ears slightly. He also wore thick glasses.

'Lilligant, Golbat, Let's help out.' Rose said.

'A Lilligant?' The man said to himself as he saw the little grass Pokemon pick up a book and give it to Golbat who put the higher books back on the shelf as his Spearow looked on as if checking they were in the right place.

Rose and the man picked up the fallen books and put them back on the lower shelves making sure the numbers were in the right order. The group worked quickly perhaps too quickly as Rose and the man grabbed the last book at the same time. They looked at each other before Rose let the man put the book away.

'Thank you for helping.' The man said. 'What did you say your name was?'

'I didn't.' Rose said. 'But my name is Rose, what's yours?'

'John.' The man said firmly. 'I've never seen a Lilligant before.'

'Lilligant was my starter Pokemon.' Rose said. 'Well, she was a Petilil.'

John nodded and said, 'Spearow was my starter from Professor Oak, I'm originally from Kanto.'

The two returned the Pokemon to their Pokeballs went to sit down and continued talking. 'I've never been to Kanto, what part are you from?' Rose asked.

'Fuchsia City.' John said. 'I've been here for a while now however. Much can be learnt from books, don't you agree?'

Rose nodded.

'Maxie wishes more grunts used the library, as do I.' The librarian said. 'Becoming more knowledgeable can only help Team Magma achieve its goal.'

'You came here from Fuchsia?' Rose asked.

'Yes and no.' John said. 'I helped at the Pokemon Trainers School before finding out about Team Magma's aims.'

'You were a Grunt?' Rose asked.

'No.' The man said. 'Maxie sent Courtney to ask me to look after the new library, not only do I get to help Pokemon but help Team Magma learn.

'I'm a Grunt.' Rose said. 'I was an Aroma Lady.'

'Pretty Petal?' John asked.

'Yes.' Rose said. 'I was the owner...before I came here.'

John nodded and said nothing. 'I must admit I never went to the Flower Shop but some of your fellow Aroma Ladies came into the Trainer school including a rude blonde lady.'

'Claire?' Rose asked.

'Yes, that was her name I think.' John said. ' But you are much nicer.'

'Thanks.' Rose said touching her glasses nervously.

John stood up and said, 'Thank you for helping again Rose.' as he went to sit at his desk. Rose followed him to his desk, got the book on Poison types stamped and said to John that they would talk tomorrow.

Rose went back to her room and her attention was caught by her mobile phone having a missed call from Claire. Rose returned the call and after two rings her fellow Aroma Lady answered,

'Delinquent Rose,' Claire said. 'You finally returned my call.'

'What do you want Claire?' Rose said.

'No need to be like that.' Claire said. 'Being the sweet and kind Lady that I am, I'm just informing you that I will be the owner of the Rustboro Flower shop since...well the day you became a criminal.' Rose could sense the sneering tone on the last sentence.

'I'll sure you will help Pretty Petal.' Rose said. 'But why did you lie on TV about what I said to you.'

Claire's sneering tone did not change as she said, 'I think people will believe an honourable lady over you and that messy girl who attacked a police officer.

Rose went to say something but was cut off by Claire.

'Now if you excuse me Rose I am off to get some beauty sleep.' She hung up and Rose was frustrated Claire was the new owner of her flower shop. She hoped Claire treated the other Aroma Ladies well.

Rose went to brush her hair to and tried to calm down. She changed into her pyjamas, brushed her hair again before sitting on her bed reading some more about Koffing until Sarah entered.

'Hey Rose.' Sarah said then paused. 'Nice hair, who are you trying to impress?'

'I just wanted a change that's all.' Rose said a little taken aback.

'I'm just going to jump in the shower. Sarah said.

Rose's mind drifted to thinking about John as she continued to read. It had been a busy day she thought to herself. Time to rest.
Currently writing - The Rose of Team Magma

Razgrey

Excalibur

Male
Right Here, but not Right Now.
Seen 1 Day Ago
Posted 1 Week Ago
136 posts
3 Years
Oh jeez. Claire just keeps finding ways to make me dislike her.
First she acts rude to Rose in person and on TV, and then goes out of her way to call Rose just to rub it in her face about who's in charge of the flower shop.
Rose seems to be taking it well, at the very least.

Initially, I had a pretty negative opinion of Team Magma, but you've made it seem like a community of people that carry out normal lives.

On a side note, I never liked Courtney's robotic personality in Omega Ruby. Nice of it to be a bit more natural.
This is the end.
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