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  #1    
Old May 14th, 2017 (6:33 PM). Edited May 14th, 2017 by _Mattypoo_.
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_Mattypoo_ _Mattypoo_ is offline
     
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    I haven't posted here in ages, after I wrote myself into a corner with my last story. I tried my hand I poetry for the first time last week, and I thought I'd share it here. I was tasked with writing a "conquering fear" poem, a tribute poem, and a memory poem. Feel free to tell me what you think.

    Self-Confidence
    Spoiler:
    Self-Confidence
    You want to do so much
    But try so little
    Whenever there’s a task
    You’re always noncommittal

    How do you expect
    To do well in life
    When you never even try
    Everything’s a strife

    You need to have faith
    Think when you try, you will
    Because from here on out
    There’s no more uphill!

    And when the task is done
    Look back and smile
    Because you’ve tried something new
    For the first time in a while.


    To the Parents
    Spoiler:
    To the Parents
    Our parents made our lives
    The way they are today
    They are a foundation
    For us to grow in every way

    They guide us through life
    And we’re so grateful
    To take that for granted
    Would just be wasteful

    Without them, we’re nothing
    We wouldn’t even exist
    And if they weren’t there
    Life would be a hazy mist

    So, what can we do
    To repay our massive debt
    They give us everything
    And yet they have birthdays we seem to forget

    To make our parents proud
    We show them what they’ve raised
    We go out into the world
    Work hard in all the months, all the days.


    The Play (I was most proud of this one)
    Spoiler:
    The Play
    I climb onto the stage
    Like a lion, I’m confident
    Or maybe it’s because
    I’m dressed like one in that moment

    I’m a strong speaker
    Affluent, everyone hears
    Or maybe it’s because
    I’m quoting Shakespeare

    I’m ready for my line
    I’ll be the star of the moment!
    But waiting backstage
    Feels like a cantonment

    I’m finally on
    The spotlight in my eyes!
    Or maybe it’s because
    On someone else it shines.

    The show is over
    “Too soon!” I cry
    Or maybe it’s because
    I can’t give it another try.
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      #2    
    Old May 16th, 2017 (2:48 AM).
    Vragon's Avatar
    Vragon Vragon is offline
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    Self-Confidence:
    a b c b

    To me personally, this poem seems to move over the topic of motivation more than the title per say. It was well written and creative rhymes and I liked it. (I have a thing for Poetry)


    To the Parents:
    a b c b

    This was a nice poem with a good message (nice timing for Mothers Day). I do confess that the long endings in the second 'b' area did contribute in breaking the pace, I would say that extensions were worth their salt for message context.

    The Play:
    a b c b

    This was my favorite definitely. It made me think that this is somewhat of a personal experience for you (correct me if I'm wrong, but it left that impression). It's nice that the poet in that enjoys being on stage, instead of having stage fright or lacking in care. This relates to me in a way, but I digress this was good.

    I can see a nice system in your writing with the normal "a b c b" format. This format may be a norm, but it was well done, snapped to the rhythm, and worked well in flow. While there their issues, many famous poems share that minor stumbling block. After all it's the message that counts. I know that you probably weren't looking for a reply on the thread, but I wanted to at least tell of my thoughts and how I enjoyed your nice little read.
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      #3    
    Old May 16th, 2017 (4:18 AM).
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    _Mattypoo_ _Mattypoo_ is offline
       
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      Thanks a lot for the reply! I always love getting feedback, especially when it comes to things I'm new with.

      Quote:
      To me personally, this poem seems to move over the topic of motivation more than the title per say. It was well written and creative rhymes and I liked it.
      I see what you mean. When I was writing this poem, I knew what I wanted, but it didn't come out quite right. I'll probably try another poem on this topic in the near future.

      Quote:
      This was a nice poem with a good message (nice timing for Mothers Day). I do confess that the long endings in the second 'b' area did contribute in breaking the pace, I would say that extensions were worth their salt for message context.
      I know exactly what you're talking about. It bothered me as well, but I really wanted to put something about forgetting birthdays. I couldn't really think of a way to make it shorter, so I just left it in. Thanks for the compliment .

      Quote:
      This was my favorite definitely. It made me think that this is somewhat of a personal experience for you (correct me if I'm wrong, but it left that impression). It's nice that the poet in that enjoys being on stage, instead of having stage fright or lacking in care. This relates to me in a way, but I digress this was good.
      Thanks so much! This is definitely the poem I was most proud of. It is based on a personal experience from back in elementary school, but I tried to make it more vague, so it could fit in with the reader.

      Quote:
      I can see a nice system in your writing with the normal "a b c b" format. This format may be a norm, but it was well done, snapped to the rhythm, and worked well in flow. While there their issues, many famous poems share that minor stumbling block. After all it's the message that counts. I know that you probably weren't looking for a reply on the thread, but I wanted to at least tell of my thoughts and how I enjoyed your nice little read.
      Yeah, the "a b c b" format is usually what I fall back to when I can't think of anything else. I like it because of its simple, yet rhythmic flow. I definitely don't mind replies, because I'm always looking for ways to improve my writing. Thanks again for the feedback.
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      Old May 16th, 2017 (5:23 AM).
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      Ice Ice is offline
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      I quite like these. Especially Play is fun - although I like the other two too - because the way it plays around with the meaning of the sentences. It subverts every line. Your rhyme scheme consists of slant rhymes, which works really nicely, but then cantonment enters with an end rhyme, which flows weirdly because it's a break of that slant rhyme we see.

      How aware are you of the rhythm in your pieces? Because while it's pretty consistent there are some lines that break the rhythm for me, that kinda stand out in the pieces. Commas for example, add this break during the reading that can throw off rhythm a bit. Luckily, in poetry, punctuation is entirely optional.

      Some sentences also read like they're out of format with the rest of the poem, purely to fit the rhyme. The ending of To The Parents feels that way to me, for example.
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        #5    
      Old May 16th, 2017 (12:42 PM).
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      _Mattypoo_ _Mattypoo_ is offline
         
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        Thanks for the feedback! I see exactly what you mean when you talk about breaking the rhythm. Like I said to Vragon, I just wasn't sure what to put in its place, so I left it in.
        And when it comes to putting in sentences just for rhymes, I may or may not be guilty......
        There were lines like "feels like a cantonment" that were there for that exact reason.

        I do plan to write more poetry in the future, so hopefully I'll manage to fix my flow issues. Thanks again for the reply
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