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Old May 23rd, 2017 (7:31 PM). Edited May 23rd, 2017 by Oddball_.
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Oddball_ Oddball_ is offline
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This is the origin story of one of my favourite D&D characters, Xan Amakiir. His tale is a fun one, and I hope that my affinity for storytelling works just as well in this type of setting as it does in others.
All readers and reviewers are appreciated <3


Escape from Amakiis
Xan’s Tale



Chapter One: Voices in the dark

The sound of the dark lake crashing against the rocky shores of Amakiis island echoed up the grey slate stone walls of Amakiir manor and up through the open windows of the small bed chamber that a young silver haired Drow boy called his own. Being born into the royal family of house Amakiir at least had the benefit of allowing him to even have a room of his own. Most Drow weren’t even allowed such. Well, perhaps it would be more accurate to say most male Drow weren’t allowed such.

Drow society was of course an extremely female oriented one. Being centered around the goddess Lolth, Queen of Spider’s and her priestesses, it really wasn’t a hidden fact that the society was a highly sexist one as well. Males were slaves and breeding tools. Females were rulers and priests, sent to do the deeds of their matron mother’s will in the material plane. A fact which had been drilled into his skull for the past forty three years of his extended elven life.

The loud shouts of several guards and clanging and clinking of metal chains on stone began to wake Xan from his sleep. His room was illuminated by the dull purple half-light of the time stone on the table next to his bed, causing his grey eyes to sparkle with an almost amethyst Colour in the light. He swung his bare feet onto the cool stone floor and slowly lumbered over to the door. Pressing an ear up against the fungal wood he could hear the voices on the other side more clearly.

“Try anything like that again, and we’ll remove your head from your shoulders disgusting devil spawn.” A deep female voice hissed, slightly muffled by the face masks that the guards of Amakiis wore.

“I say we should remove something else to teach him a lesson!” Another, obviously agitated, woman growled, the same slight muffledness coming from her.

“Heh. Try it you spider rattata. I bet I can give you a similar cut and have you match your friend over there before you’ve even drawn that pretty little knife of yours.” A new voice chuckled. This time it was unspoiled, belonging to a young man of some form, and there was an unfamiliar accent to the voice that Xan couldn’t place. He certainly wasn’t from anywhere Xan recognized… and something about the voice was almost hypnotic.

“Why you…” The second woman growled, as the sound of a slap reverberated through the air.

“Verren. Ellera. Are you quite finished?” The familiar raspy voice of Xan’s mother and the matron mother of the island called out from somewhere down the hall, half amused, half annoyed by the events transpiring.

“S-sorry Matron! Won’t happen again!” Both women exclaimed with a slight air of fright in their voices before the sound of rustling chains could be heard.

“It had better not.” She responded as her footsteps began to echo down the hall away from Xan’s door.

“Oh, are we done having fun already? I was just getting started.” The slave stated snarkily as he grunted presumably due to the bindings and chains around him.

“Shut up and move it.” The first woman demanded as the sounds of metallic links dragging across the floor was made audible once more.

“Oh my, I do like a girl who takes charge.” The slave remarked bemusedly.

“Disgusting creature.” The first woman snarled, her voice sounding as if she had just looked at the offspring of an ogre and goblin.

“Oh, come now, we Tieflings aren’t that bad really. I mean the horns make excellent handh-” Xan’s grin grew larger as he heard the sound of a boot hitting flesh and the male slave groaning in a kind of agony that one only ever hears from males.

“I was talking about men. Now walk.” The woman responded calmly.

The male didn’t respond, but the occasional grunt was heard as a sharp tug on the chains was given, obviously as a form of amusement for the escorts.

Xan pulled himself back. New slaves were always interesting to him. The last batch they had acquired were the Duergar twins they had captured after seizing the stronghold of the ember king, and they had been thrown into the fighting pits against an umber hulk without any weapons.

He couldn’t help but to smile at the memory. The sound of screaming duergar was always one that would amuse any Drow.

Xan walked over to his desk and scribbled a note to read up on whatever a “Tiefling” was however. It certainly wasn’t a race he was familiar with. Perhaps this slave was captured travelling across the dark lake? Maybe he would have to find out what cell the slave was being kept in…

The gradual shift of the rooms hue from purple to red caused him to glance back at the time stone.

“Oh, son of a- Father is going to have me clean the privies for being late. As if dealing with the repercussions of a missing stitch on mother’s gown wasn’t bad enough” Xan swore as he stumbled over to his wardrobe and began tearing through in a mad dash attempt to find a suitable outfit.

Throwing his simple sleepwear onto the bed and pulling on his custom-tailored silk daywear, Xan set his dark purple skinned hands on the smooth black iron handle on the door and braced himself for whatever the day would bring, but as he began to head out he couldn’t help himself but to think back to the strange hypnotic voice that he had heard earlier. Who was their new slave? Where had he come from? What was he doing in Amakiis? Xan’s mind was ablaze with questions.

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  #2    
Old May 31st, 2017 (9:08 AM).
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Vragon Vragon is offline
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Interesting origin story. I like the way you wrote it, as in a more old fashioned descriptive form of English. A fitting type of structure for something from D&D.

The banter in this is interesting and a guilty pleasure for me, as I'm sure is for this Xan character. Aside from some minor punctuation errors I will say that your descriptive abilities in this are grand. I would advice not to overdo it on the describing, since details that aren't needed can cause unnecessary reading time for the reader.

Quote:
there was an unfamiliar accent to the voice that Xan couldn’t place. He certainly wasn’t from anywhere Xan recognized… and something about the voice was almost hypnotic.
This was slightly repetitive, in that it was an unfamiliar accent implying he didn't know exactly who or what this guy was from. It's a good idea to test by using conjunctions to see if you can link the two and if they don't say the same thing. Course this is merely just a way of testing at least one way I just thought of.

But basically I liked it and am curious how your character will have his origin go. From what I've seen on his personality he doesn't' seemed to swayed or bothered by the system in place, yet I can assume that part of that is fear. Of course, his curiosity about this stranger I can predict plays a part in this, but I think I'll wait till you disclose the details.
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  #3    
Old June 3rd, 2017 (4:32 AM).
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Phantom Phantom is offline
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Interesting, kept my attention at least.

One main thing, and it's an old pet peeve of mine. Brings back memories.

When writing dialogue, the quoted sentence is not the SENTENCE in it's entirety. How to explain it....

"I'm going to get some milk." I said as I closed the door after discovering the empty carton

^ Is incorrect.

"I'm going to get some milk," I said as I closed the door after discovering the empty carton.

^Is correct.

If a speaking action, a verb that is a speaking act; i.e. said, commented, added, shouted, chided, is the verb of the sentence. Without the quotes, there is no context for the verb.

Now there is also punctuation.

Mike laughed. "Don't worry." He said with a smile. "I got it.

^Incorrect.

Mike laughed. "Don't worry," he said with a smile, "I got it."

^Correct.

If you need any help, I'd be more than happy. I'm a D&D player, so I'm definitely willing.
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