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Old June 26th, 2017 (9:57 PM). Edited June 29th, 2017 by jombii.
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jombii jombii is offline
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AN: This story takes place hundreds of years before the events of SuMo. I will be taking liberties in renaming places in the region which I don't think have existed during this period (which is basically almost everything.) I will also be taking liberties in human-pokemon interaction (including, but not limited to, telepathy).


There was strength in the wind, a strength not felt before. One of the tribe’s luahine looked up from the tapestry she was weaving. Her brows furrowed with fear and worry as she saw dark clouds gathering, far from land and out on the sea. Just beyond the reef, a few boats with the more able-bodied fishermen were gathering their nets up, with lots of sea Pokemon tangled in it. They felt the storm brewing too and they were starting to get afraid. Only the local children could not feel anything different from every day. They kicked up sand as they were running around, splashing seawater into each other’s faces, as slowly, the darkness grew more intensely in the distant waters.

Then lightning cracked in the distance, followed by a muffled roar of thunder. The kids stopped in their playing and looked out into the distance and watched the cloud grow and grow. The luahine started to wobble from her seat, dropping the image she was working on, and ushered the kids away from the sea and into land, into safety. A Rockruff, which was silently dozing in the sand, woke up from the commotion, as the luahine started shouting for the children. It barked and barked and fell silent as another thunder roared. It quickly went into the covers of the trees, shivering from fright of the loud sounds.

The men started rowing their boats towards the shore, with their haul neatly tied together. The sea was starting to get larger and rougher waves. “Ika!Ika!” the men shouted, their arms moving in unison as their boat slowly closed the distance between them and shore. The luahine looked at the men in concern. Another thunder roared and, this time, it was stronger. A lot stronger. The boats finally skidded to a halt as the sea was no longer deep enough for them to row further. All of them disembarked and started pulling the boats into the sand, tying them with knots on nearby trees and wood posts, protecting their precious boats from being thrown about by strong winds. They carried their catch and stored it inside a stone silo.

The luahine counted the kids she ushered inside her home and was relieved to see that all of them were accounted for. Four of them, in fact. All of them seemed to be calm, even with the oncoming storm, threatening their small village. Their mothers, thankfully, was not in the area, and was away, trading the goods they gathered the previous days with other tribes on the island. It would be better for the tribe, the luahine thought. It wouldn’t help with the situation with a bunch of Trumbeaks clucking around, panicking for no reason.

The men of the tribe then started securing all the other stuff in place. Every individual has an assignment and they move with such precision and agility as if they had been doing it for every day of their little lives. Meanwhile, the four children and the luahine closely watched the men doing everything.

The clouds started to roll in, with lightning and thunder accompanying it. The wind bellowed even harder, bending the coconut trees lining up the seashore. The ropes tying each thing down creaked, the tension rising. Everything was threatening to snap but, thankfully, everything was holding on. Mysteriously, while thunder roared above and the winds whistled, the weather was very dry. There was no rain, not even a slight drizzle amidst the supposedly strong storm buffeting the small tribe. It was only the wind.

The storm came to pass and sunlight once again filled up the sky. There were a few broken trees on the shore. The men counted that at least one of their boats is beyond repair but the others could still work perfectly fine. They confirmed that their catch was safe and sound in the silo. The four kids and the luahine came out of their hiding place. The kids seemed unperturbed by the storm that just passed through them and resumed their activity.

The luahine casted their eyes upward to soak in the sunlight and was surprised by what she saw.

There were several creatures floating in the air and it seemed like nobody but her noticed what they were. She couldn’t understand what she was looking at but she was so mystified by the creatures that she couldn’t look away from them. The Rockruff from before started barking again but the luahine could not hear it.

Aside from the creatures, there was also a hole in the sky, as if the very essence of space itself is being ripped. The old woman squinted and looked at the gash in the sky. It seemed to appear and disappear, preventing her tired eyes to look into the hole and see what was beyond it. The air around it seemed to be rippling or shimmering with whatever dust is coming out from it. One of the creatures, only a white figure in the distance, approached the hole in the sky and disappeared into it. The other creatures started to follow it. The luahine started shouting, getting the men’s attention, and pointed at the rip in the sky. One by one, each of the creatures disappeared into the hole and then, with a blink, the hole suddenly disappeared as if it was never there in the first place. The luahine’s heart suddenly was filled with terror. The men approached the shoreline and looked up, trying to see if the mysterious hole was still in the sky.

The luahine heard mentions of demons and angels, of endings, from the men. She, however, was sure that a great big terror was plaguing her heart, filling her thoughts with images of destruction. Whatever those creatures were, she knew that they weren’t friendly or peaceful. She looked at the children once again but they were too busy playing around to notice the anomaly in the sky that had just disappeared. The luahine feared for their safety. She knew those creatures were harbinger of awful days to come.

She didn’t know how right she was.

*luahine means old woman.
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Old June 29th, 2017 (6:59 PM).
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    Okay some things I noticed

    1) This part
    Originally Posted by Home View Post
    It would be better for the tribe, the luahine thought. It wouldn’t help with the situation with a bunch of chickens clucking around, panicking for no reason.
    The "chickens" part is the only issue I would say since it isn't really related to the world. I'd understand somewhat if Alola had chicken like Pokémon, but to my knowledge right now it doesn't really. You could use a mon from Alola that makes noise and that would fit rather than focusing on a real world animal.

    2) Long sentences
    Now long sentences aren't a bad thing but keep in mind that you shouldn't overdue their usage. A period after all is the "pause" part of the reading, with the commas being less strong "pauses". Using clause after clause then period tends to drag the work out and makes it harder to actually put better detail into it. Brevity is the soul of wit, and keeping things short and concise is a good way to go. Now this doesn't mean don't do it at all, but do it in moderation.

    3) The storm
    You spent a lot of words into a lead in for the storm and only really devoted 1 paragraph to it. Now this is fine normally, but it seemed to be a bit of a let down. While yes you were showcasing the UB storm, I can't help but feel you cut it off early or abrupt if you will.

    Aside from these and some grammar issues I have this is a good set up. The imagery you write is fine and impressions were okay. I do wish that you had put footnotes at the end to tell what the words meant, but there isn't to much of those so. I do like the ending where it showed the UB's returning home and the foreshadowing the events of their return.

    Good luck in the future!
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    Old June 29th, 2017 (7:33 PM).
    jombii's Avatar
    jombii jombii is offline
    Crobat is ProBat
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    Thank you for that. I actually intended to edit the chicken part out since I couldn't think of an apt Pokemon when I was writing the prologue for the story. I may not have remember to edit it.

    For the storm, it was not really the focus of the prologue. Yes, I did put emphasis into its coming from the first few paragraphs but what was important was what happened after the storm passed. It's not really a big deal for the development of the story.

    I'm writing the next chapter right now. I might be posting it sometime next week.
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    Old July 1st, 2017 (9:14 PM).
    jombii's Avatar
    jombii jombii is offline
    Crobat is ProBat
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    Chapter 1: Sea Breeze and Sand

    “Koko! Come back here down here!” the [/i]luahine[/i] shouted as it looked up the coconut tree. Koko, a dark-skinned teenager, laughed at the old woman screaming after him. He took a very deep breath and let go of the coconut with one of his hand. He tightened his one-handed grip on the tree and extended his others. He loved the feeling of the wind brushing through his fingers. The slight sea breeze flows through his skin, from his fingertips to his long-flowing hair. Koko smiled, with the setting sun reflecting off of his yellow eyes. “Come back down here!” the luahine repeated.

    “Later!” Koko shouted back. It was nearing sunset already and the sun was already setting in the horizon. It scattered orange hues bouncing off of the sea and into the land. The sky itself was painted a light orange. Koko squinted his eyes and saw a bunch of Pelippers and Wingulls floating lazily in the afternoon breeze. They were making funny sounds as they tried to grab some more grub to eat before it became too dark for them to eat. Koko looked as one Pelipper dove into the water and scooped up a wriggling Finneon. Another sea breeze came and Koko closed his eyes, enjoying the feeling. He decided that it was high time he go down. He grabbed a coconut and carried it as he climbed the long tree down to the sand.

    The luahine tried to grab Koko by the ear but the teen managed to twist his way out of her grip and ran away, grinning. “At least find your cousins!” the old woman shouted after Koko. She sighed and wobbled back to the hut to prepare for dinner. Koko ran for a good distance to make sure the luahine won’t come after him and stopped, catching his breath. The sand felt warm on his feet. He could feel the small rocks digging into his feet, barely enough to be painful. A bunch of Dwebble were lounging around in their rock shells, enjoying the slight warmth provided by the sunset. He lay down on the sand, waiting for the sun to finally set. It will be soon, he thought. The darkness is slowly creeping in now. He closed his eyes and waited still.

    A shadow soon covered his face. Koko thought it was night finally coming but was mistaken as a voice spoke up. “Koko.” He opened one eye and saw his grinning cousin standing over him. He was much bigger than him, with a short-cropped hair. His eyes were set to a deep-green. “What’re you doing down there?”

    Koko stood back up and dusted sand from his legs and back. “None of your concern, Bulu. I’m actually waiting for you guys. Dinner is nearly ready.”

    “Well, Fini and Lele are still playing by the God’s Hill,” Bulu said, pointing over to a low-hill in the distance. The hill was lush with forestry that it appears to be dark-green in the sunset. It was famous for the famous shrine inside with a sparking stone said to represent the gods of creation. “Well, call them now as I’m hungry for dinner.”

    “You know we’re not really allowed to go to that hill.”

    “Well, who’s going to call them?”

    “Well, we are. You’re coming with me.” Bulu grabbed Koko by the ear and tried to lead him towards the hill. Koko was shouting in pain, calling Bulu all kinds of expletives, and threatening to punch him if Bulu does not release him immediately. Bulu grinned and answered. “You can’t stand to me one-to-one.” He released his cousin nonetheless. Koko took a swing towards his cousin but Bulu managed to catch his arm mid-punch. “You’re too slow, Koko.”

    Koko harrumphed and pulled his arm away. Ever since they were young, Bulu had been the strongest physically among them. While Koko was lighter on his feet, Bulu could dish out far stronger punches than Koko. He knew that, being on the receiving end of those punches. “I hate you,” Koko said.

    Bulu only smiled and ruffled Koko’s hair.

    They neared the wooden fence closing the God’s Hill. The area is closed off from everyone except the priest where he meditates and supposedly communicate with the gods. This never stopped Koko and and his cousins from occasionally climbing over the fence to explore the hill most of their elders have never seen. Bulu and Koko started climbing the fence with the footholds and handholds they have been climbing ever since they were young.

    Then they were on the other side. Since the wooden fence was high enough to hide the bottom of the hill from view, and the trees were high enough to shield the ground from sunlight, the place was usually eerily dark, with only several beams of light shining through the foliage here and there. Even now, with the sun already setting. It was also very quiet. There were no creatures to be found in the immediate vicinity.

    “They might be deeper,” Bulu said as he brushed aside a leave and made a path through the greenery. All four of them have spent so much time in the hill that anyone of them could find their way through the hill. They usually stay, however, in a spot near the peak, where a small clearing could be found. The two young ones started their ascent. It was an easy climb as it had not rained yet so the ground was not muddy nor slippery, and the rocks and trees provides good support on their bare feet during the climb.

    While the nearby area surrounding the hill was filled with Pokemon, they were none to be seen in the hill. Yes, an occasional Pikipek or Wingull might take shelter in one of the trees during a rain but none really could call the hill as their residence. Even Bug-types avoid it altogether. When the young ones play, they were usually the only ones there. They chose the hill because it is the only place near where the four of them could be noisy and no one would complain.

    Koko and Bulu climbed the last few meters of the hill and found the clearing. True enough, they found Fini and Lele. What surprised them was the other creature that was playing with the girls.

    It was a purple cloud thing with a yellow-ring encircling it vertically. Both Lele and Fini were quietly watching it somersault through the air as if weighing nothing.

    “What’s that?” Bulu suddenly asked. The three of them looked shocked and the creature disappeared in a puff of smoke. Koko only stood, with his mouth gaping open.

    “Was that…”

    “Yes, it was,” Lele said. Her pink eyes show a hidden playfulness in her. Her hair bounced in curls. “That was the creature from the stories.”

    “And now, you scared it and now it’s gone,” Fini said. Among the four of them, she was the quietest. Her purple eyes are deep-set and looks like she’s always holding a deep secret. “I believe it was called Cosmog. And according to luahine, it’s a herald.”

    “But what is it heralding for? Isn’t that story usually tied in to disasters?” Koko asked. Fini and Lele just shrugged. “We need to tell the priest about this.”

    Suddenly, dinner was not important anymore.
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