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Old July 11th, 2017 (12:09 PM). Edited July 16th, 2017 by FlaafyFTW.
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FlaafyFTW FlaafyFTW is offline
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    I've not written anything decent in a while... Comments appreciated.

    It rained. I angst'd.

    The Boy in the Mist

    There are times that I wish that I didn’t exist,
    But to exist is to feel and to feel is to exist.
    There are times that I wish that I didn’t quite feel,
    To just be an observer, a figure in the mist.

    Life would be much more useful if emotions would fade,
    If passion and sorrow and love turned to grey.
    There are times that I wish that these didn’t exist,
    If all I could do was be a robot in the mist.

    The sun, the moon, the clouds, the sky,
    The only place to go is to come down from a high.
    Like rain it will come but soon disappear,
    Leaving more room for the mist come near.

    But ever so often something will glow,
    A person, a fragment, of joy long ago.
    I wonder now why these still exist,
    If all I am is a figure in the mist.

    Could the boy teach this robot to feel,
    To love, to laugh, to know what is real?
    The sun never rises in a colour-blind sky,
    So why do I sometimes expect the mist to pass by?

    Maybe one day the dawn will shine,
    A new world, a new day and one that is mine.
    But as for now, I’m forced to exist,
    This lonely little robot-boy, alone in the mist.
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      #2    
    Old July 11th, 2017 (2:26 PM).
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    Vragon Vragon is offline
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    Cool poem I liked the rhythm.
    Though I have one thing with it. Correct me if I'm wrong about it, but the first half of your poem (sections 1 - 3) talked about someone wanting to forget emotions and as you put it, "Be in the mist".
    In the latter parts of your poem (sections 5 - 6) It seemed to talk about emotions and wondering if the "robot" as you put it would one day feel them. Leave the mist if you will.
    These two seemed to be at odds with the point of the poem from perspective wise. If there was some thing that showed the shift between views, of the boy and the robot, it would make more sense.
    Other than that, good poem.
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    Old July 11th, 2017 (10:53 PM).
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    FlaafyFTW FlaafyFTW is offline
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      Thanks for the feedback, I really appreciate it.

      I was attempting to go for the juxtaposition of the two sides of wanting to be part of the mist but also alive and functioning but I definitely see your point.

      Reflecting on it, I see where the gap hasn't been filled but I think I can edit stanza 5 slightly to achieve this:

      Could the boy teach this robot to feel,
      To love, to laugh, to know what is real?
      The sun never rises in a colour-blind sky,
      So why do I sometimes expect the mist to pass by?
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      Old July 12th, 2017 (4:39 PM).
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      Astinus Astinus is offline
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        Glad to see you back, FlaafyFTW! It's been a long time.

        I liked the idea of the poem, and I feel like the edited fifth stanza would work better. It doesn't lead to a sudden shift in who's doing the talking in the poem.

        Hope to see more from you!
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        Old July 15th, 2017 (6:22 AM).
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        FlaafyFTW FlaafyFTW is offline
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          Quote:
          Originally Posted by Astinus View Post
          Glad to see you back, FlaafyFTW! It's been a long time.

          I liked the idea of the poem, and I feel like the edited fifth stanza would work better. It doesn't lead to a sudden shift in who's doing the talking in the poem.

          Hope to see more from you!
          Thanks Astinus - it's nice to see that someone remembers me! Been trying to write for a while now, and hopefully I can get back into it with those kind words of yours.

          Watch this space!
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