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  #1    
Old June 19th, 2017 (10:51 PM).
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Let me try a shot at this. It's been years since I've written properly.

Hunger

I crave for love and love alone
Hunger for it, thirst for it
An appetite I have never known
Love, where is it?

Blood spilled in my endless hunt
My own blood, flowing all over
And yet I search, taking the brunt
When will this be over?

My heart rumbles, naked
Like the waning moon, I rest
Out of breathe and out of love
I closed my eyes and wept
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  #2    
Old June 20th, 2017 (5:00 AM).
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    Nice words. I feel the emotion deeply.
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      #3    
    Old June 20th, 2017 (10:56 AM).
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    So basically,

    a b a b

    a b a b

    a b c d

    So a few things I noticed,

    1) Repetition
    While you do have the standard a b a b format, it was only really implemented by repeating the same word for the 'b' sections. Now this is normally something I would let slide, but you do it more than once and there isn't really length to justify it enough. What the issue I have with this is that it can either come across as a push away from the works and it's why I personally don't like repeating words in poetry. I can understand how hard it is to come up with words/phrases, but I'm sure you can find some alternatives besides repeating the same words at the lines end.

    2) The last paragraph
    This had no rhyme. It's not a problem for poems that are focused on the whole "Not Rhyming" type, but the issue is yours already has rhyming and it cuts the flow and mood rather well in a negative light. I wouldn't have minded it should it be at the beginning since there would be the rest to fix this, but being at the end leaves an bitter ending taste.

    3) These lines
    Quote:
    Blood spilled in my endless hunt
    My own blood, flowing all over
    And yet I search, taking the brunt
    When will this be over?
    Notice how you have the word 'all' in the second line of that paragraph. But it's rhyming counterpart is shorter and breaks the flow between the two. This can be fixed with either taking out the 'all' in the second line, or adding a new 'all' to the last one. I would say if you add, a good spot would 'be over'.

    Despite these errors I did get the message and understood the point. Someone wanting love and going through obstacles to find it whether it be bad relationships that hurts either the person your narrator is or the narrator itself. It also has a good conclusion of despair from failing to find it and basically being alone and vulnerable.

    This was a nice concept and a good attempt. Don't worry to hard about the issues, because problems can be fixed, but focus takes longer to fix. You have good focus on this poem, it's just the other things. In other words, You don't have good Rhyme, but you have good reason! (Heh get it)
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      #4    
    Old June 20th, 2017 (10:36 PM).
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    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Vragon View Post
    snip
    Thank you for the points. I'm never really one who cared about the technicalities of writing as I only wanted really to express myself. I also intended for the second and fourth lines to end with the same thing and the last stanza not having a definite rhyme scheme (in my ears, it sound like abcb) was also intended.

    Anyway, here's a new poem. (not entirely new, but whatever)

    Good Mourning

    I woke up, alone in my bed
    For the first time in a long while
    There's a pain in my arms and a ringing in my head
    And a loneliness in my heart and a tear in my smile

    I have forgotten how quiet this place was
    As your voice filled it with every passing hour
    The silence is so deafening, I often pause
    And wonder, when did sweet turned sour

    I paced the room, looking for any sign of you
    But I scrubbed it down, many times already
    Even if it was mine, it's a home I never knew
    The memories grew there, steady

    The sun is up, going on regardless
    I closed the blinds, let the curtain fall
    I lay in bed, embracing the darkness
    Good mourning, if you mourned at all.
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    Old June 21st, 2017 (10:32 PM).
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    Something about love again.

    It's Hard

    It's hard loving someone.

    Who doesn't see the things you do
    Who doesn't appreciate your presence
    Who doesn't consider you someone worthy of their time

    Who distrusts your happiness as unreal
    Who disregards you sadness as petty
    Who discredits your anger as passing

    Who makes you bottle up all your frustrations and your anger and your sadness and your mistakes because it's not important
    Who requires you to keep track o f a lot of things but can't remember if you had something planned together already
    Who only thinks of you as an afterthought and not a constant image in their head

    Who doesn't care if you're already shaking in anger
    Who doesn't care if you're already wet with tears
    Who doesn't care if you're frustrated because you bared your heart out and all she did is roll her eyes

    Who can't even stay for one night to accompany you in your depression
    Who can't even give you one hug when you're feeling anxious
    Who can't even hold your hand just to stop the shaking

    Who doesn't understand the fact that for you to fall asleep, all you need is her arms around your neck
    Who doesn't understand that after all the pain you went through and is going through, you chose to stay
    Who doesn't understand the fact that you're hurting because you love her

    I's hard loving someone
    Who doesn't love you
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      #6    
    Old June 22nd, 2017 (8:53 AM).
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    I like this one much more since it implemented a "Who Doesn't" as the connectors for most of the lines. The reasons you list off on who it's hard to love is good and dare I say relatable.

    I'll only say that there was one typo I saw with an "of", but the rest seemed fine.
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    gently and quietly, while the danger is still a good way off.
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      #7    
    Old June 22nd, 2017 (6:13 PM).
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    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Vragon View Post
    I like this one much more since it implemented a "Who Doesn't" as the connectors for most of the lines. The reasons you list off on who it's hard to love is good and dare I say relatable.

    I'll only say that there was one typo I saw with an "of", but the rest seemed fine.
    thing was I experienced all those from the same girl lol.

    thank you for the criticisms
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      #8    
    Old June 26th, 2017 (7:15 PM).
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    For a Loveless Heart

    Knocking on your door
    I just hear an empty house
    Forever silent
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    Old July 2nd, 2017 (6:59 PM).
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    My Heart Is a Warzone

    There is a constant war
    In my heart, it's raging on
    Torn between a yes and no

    Torn between a yes and no
    In my heart, it cannot choose
    It cannot endure no more

    It cannot endure no more
    In my heart, the relentless pain
    Of being divided in two

    Of being divided in two
    In my heart, fatigue
    There is a constant war
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      #10    
    Old July 3rd, 2017 (9:18 PM).
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    Sadness

    Sadness is

    Not understanding a poem you wrote before
    Not knowing the words you used to sing everyday
    Not remembering a voice that made you soar
    Not recognizing a face that took your breath away

    is Sadness.
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      #11    
    Old July 3rd, 2017 (9:26 PM).
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    Solitude

    At times, I feel
    The need to get away
    From responsibilities
    From expectations
    From problems
    From everybody

    Sometimes, I feel
    The need to be alone
    With my thoughts
    With the little voice
    With my insecurities
    With my fears

    At times, I feel
    The need to be solitary
    But I can’t
    But I’m scared
    But I fear nothing
    But my darkest secrets the most
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    Old July 4th, 2017 (6:27 PM).
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    Happy Things

    They told me to write
    Of things that makes me happy
    And it made me sad to realize
    That what makes me happy
    Is writing about what makes me sad
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      #13    
    Old July 5th, 2017 (11:42 PM).
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    Time

    Time; it heals all wounds
    Time; it turns these into scars
    Time; a reminder
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      #14    
    Old July 12th, 2017 (1:00 AM).
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    We are the Kids

    We never grew up the way they wanted us to be
    We never became prim and proper
    We outgrew our ideals when we were kids
    We were the strangers they warned us not to talk to

    We grew reckless
    We drove fast and passed speed limits
    We had little care for the world is our playground now
    We are the reason why we need to check both sides of the road

    We lost our ways
    We took the beaten path somewhere down the road
    We never returned and traveled further down the darkness
    We are the monsters under our bed

    We are the generation of idiots
    We seldom do the right thing and even seldom for the right reason
    We do things on a whim, on impulse, barely thinking
    We are the kids our parents told us to never become

    And yet, here we are.
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      #15    
    Old July 13th, 2017 (8:05 PM).
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    As love always is

    Love. The moment of intense clarity. Sometimes teasing, sometimes real. Always fun. Always remembered. As love always is.

    Love! A sudden rise of emotions. A swelling. A crest on the wave. The ups to the downs. Confusing. As love always is.

    Love? Questions. The why it do happen. The why it didn't happen. Mystery. Answers. As love always is.

    Love; a pause. The beginning to an end. The screech before the halt. The denoument. The final wave. As love always is.

    Love. The end. Giving up. A dead end. As love always is.

    Love. No more. As love always is.
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      #16    
    Old July 14th, 2017 (12:12 AM).
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    She

    She is the love I found
    Amidst the darkness abound
    But I was not the love she found
    My love, I crashed aground
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      #17    
    Old July 18th, 2017 (11:07 PM).
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    To Love is to be Constantly Hurt

    To love
    Is to be constantly hurt
    By words and actions you never thought would hurt you

    To love
    Is to be constantly hurt
    Seeing another person happy without you

    To love
    Is to be constantly hurt
    Feeling empty arms hug you when you need one the most

    To love
    Is to be constantly hurt
    Realizing you love the pain more than the emptiness
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      #18    
    Old July 23rd, 2017 (10:58 PM).
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    You Hear it Best

    You can hear it best
    In silence
    When no sound pervades
    And all you can hear is
    Your heart thumping
    Your blood flowing
    Through the veins and your body
    Giving you life
    Reborn anew

    You can hear it best
    In silence
    When no sound pervades
    All all you can hear is
    The wind whistling
    The leaves swaying
    Bending to the breeze's whim
    Surrendering to the power
    Tyranny of good men

    You can hear it best
    In silence
    When no sound pervades
    And all you can hear is
    The creaking of the house
    The footsteps in your mind
    Filling your mind with irrational fear
    Scared of the unknown

    You can hear it best
    In silence
    When no sound pervades
    Love.
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