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  #1    
Old April 26th, 2016 (2:48 AM). Edited April 28th, 2016 by videoman.
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videoman videoman is offline
I'm no hero. And never was.
     
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    Intro:
    The feeling of Family


    A ship with a smooth, flawless shell descends towards the surface of a planet far from our own. Its hull and surface alight with fire, it’s main propulsion thrusters flicker with what life is left in them as the engines lose all power. Most of the ships crew dash about, attempting to extinguish the flames that consume their home and way of travel. Those who are to small or young do their best to stay away from the flames that threatened to become their tomb. As most of the ships crew dashed about those on the bridge were the most busy as they did they best to maintain the ships life and attitude, as well as the hope that they would live through this event. All were consumed by chaos, their lives in danger; all but one lone man. He knew they this was the end to a journey that he had started, and his crew followed him as their loyalty was never something he ever questioned. He felt guilt only in the fact that he had pulled them all into his crazy endeavors that now was going to end all of their lives, even his. The mans chin rested upon his right fist, while his left hand lay flat upon the arm of his Captains chair.
    His First Lieutenant and ship monitoring lead rested in a chair within the same bridge; watching the many monitors and digital surfaces that reported all ship statistics and readings.


    Captain, ship integrity is at ten percent. Engine crew reports all power has been lost and they are using the backup generators to keep life support going. But that...” the First Lieutenant paused his report, looking at the forward monitor as he watched the ground grow closer and closer.

    But at the rate we are falling, life support won’t matter long” finished the First Lieutenant after he had turned back towards his post. His hands swiftly gliding across the command surface, continue to give and receive reports to and from other parts of the ship. His eye’s started to pool with tears, his mind asking why it had to end like this.


    The Captain slowly stood, gaining the attention of his First Lieutenant and Second Lieutenant, who was of a much larger body build then the First Lieutenant. The Second Lieutenant was in charge of outside communications, ship maintenance and safety. However, there was not much he could do at this point, as all water reserves had been exhausted almost thirty minutes ago battling the now completely out of control flames. All that was left now to be used to try and contain the flames was manual fire extinguishers and any water that could be found not in the reserve tanks.

    The Captain now stood tall and still, his body motionless like a tree with no wind to blow it to and fro. “First Lieutenant, put me through to ship wide COMs. It is time.” said the Captain, his voice unwavering by the events at hand. Without a second thought the First Lieutenant did so, the forward screen going to record and broadcast mode. “You are live Captain, everyone is at attention” said the First Lieutenant, still trying to hold back his tears.


    To all ship crew and personnel, this is your Captain speaking. Please stop what you are doing and listen to the words of your Captain and friend.” said the man, only pausing briefly to allow those still working hard to stop and hear him out. He did not wait long before continuing as there was not much time left.
    This journey that I have embarked on, has put all of you in danger. I have a feeling that all of you knew this was a possibility, and yet you still followed me to the ends of time and back. You showed that you still cared about me, and that you would do anything, even jeopardize your very lives for me. To all of you, I am not the strong and courageous man you once knew me as, and for that I give you my deepest apologies.” he paused once more, but only to draw in another breath.
    Every single one of you gave me everything you had, and even now you still do. There is nothing I can do now to repay such a gift, the gift of dedication and faith. Even as your captain, I have failed you. Everyone of you, you are the warmth that fills my empty and dying heart and there is nothing that I would want more then to be with all of you in the end. I know that our crew, that our family is large and that many of you still want to keep it growing. That is something that I can understand, but I have one last request for all of you. It will be in a way, my dying wish. Will all of you please come to the forward bridge? If there is something that I want to do in my last moments in life, it is to hold and be held by all of you. Whether you will fill this last request is up to you, as there is nothing left that bonds us anymore. You are all free to live. The escape pods are still functional, you are free to leave if you deem so. If that is what you choose, then I will not hold any ill-will towards those who do. Just know that you all matter to me, you all always have and you all always will. This is your Captain, friend, and family member signing off. May our spirits live to see happier days.”


    With that the First Lieutenant cut the ship COMs, knowing that the Captain has nothing left to say. The Captain sat back down, his gaze no longer watching the forward monitor. He was done and he expected nothing from his crew anymore. He knew that he had failed them and that was something unforgivable. He felt the life already draining from his body, even though he still drew air. His eye’s stared at the floor as they filled with tears of sadness and heartache.
    However, he felt a gentle, warm touch reach and hold his wrinkled hand. His gaze suddenly looked up to see his First Lieutenant standing next to him, his little yellow paws holding onto the mans hand. The yellow creature smiled at him once more, a smile that the man had forgotten long ago. A smile that he had once been very familiar with when he was of a much younger age.
    Captain, it’s not over yet. Even if they leave, you still have myself and Blastoise here to see this to the end with you. You have always been my friend Ash Ketchum, and that will never change no matter the situation.” said the yellow creature, as the Second Lieutenant Blastoise walked up to stand beside Captain Ash. The blue turtle placed his hand on the mans shoulder, more gently then one would think it could with its body size.
    Ash could no longer hold back his painful tears as they now freely flowed down his cheeks. “I could not have asked for a better bridge crew, or better friends for that matter I just wish...” Ash trailed off as there was a knock at the bridges door. He pressed a shaky hand to the button on his commanders chair that opened the bridge doors, and what he saw and followed made his broken human heart feel alive once again. In piled all of the ships crew, and they all encompassed the old man. As he looked over them, their arms, bodies and warmth enveloped him, he realized that not a single one of them had left on the escape pods. Everyone one of his Pokemon, his family had come to be with him in the last moments of his life, and that made him smile. His genuine smile shown for all of them to see, to see the trainer they had all once known now return to them, even if it was for as short as it would be.

    I would hug all of you if I had the arms. You all came back home to me, even with the thought of not living much longer. I couldn’t have asked for better friends, or a better family. Thank you, everyone...”
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      #2    
    Old April 26th, 2016 (2:53 AM).
    videoman's Avatar
    videoman videoman is offline
    I'm no hero. And never was.
       
      Join Date: Aug 2008
      Location: In my own Videogame World
      Age: 27
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      Nature: Bold
      Posts: 43
      As a small in between post,
      It's been some time since I was last active on this website. Man it's sure been a while.

      Some of the older members might remember my old story I posts years back (there were a few that commented on it too), this story I am posting now is a very heavily revised version. With different story elements and plot paths. It's practically a new story, but with a story and cast of characters that would have been the same as my original, had I finished it.

      I hope to place more emotion in the story and create more relatable characters in this new version.

      Please feel free to share thought or feeling about this new take. A writer cannot improve unless they are told what they can improve on.

      I will be posted Chapter 1 shortly too. I already have it written out as of this writing actually. So stay tuned. :D
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        #3    
      Old April 26th, 2016 (3:02 AM). Edited April 28th, 2016 by videoman.
      videoman's Avatar
      videoman videoman is offline
      I'm no hero. And never was.
         
        Join Date: Aug 2008
        Location: In my own Videogame World
        Age: 27
        Gender: Male
        Nature: Bold
        Posts: 43
        Chapter 1:
        Memories of the Lost


        A sudden ruffle of bed sheets breaks the silence in a dark room, and a light is suddenly turned on. It’s illumination shows a middle aged man sitting up in his bed, his eye’s wet with tears. He looks around, trying to reassure himself that it was just a dream. His gaze falls on his oak desk still covered in a mess of books and papers, his floor covered in unfolded clean clothes.

        That dream again. Why has it been so frequent in my sleep? I am not much one for tears these days, but it still causes them to fall from my face. Why? What does it mean?

        He sat up, his thoughts of the dream not a thing on his mind for long. He briskly strode over to his window, turning the window shades to see what hour it was. The full moon was still high in the night sky, signifying that the night was still young.

        “Great, it’s still night time. What am I supposed to do?” He asked, however to no one but himself could answer.


        He pulled himself away from the window and looked around his study once again. Picture frames lined the walls, their content varying from pictures, to certificates to old pieces of metal that had collected dust from age even though they were in sealed frames. The mans past was shown to all, but only he was ever in this room.


        As he stood there, his eyes fell upon an old baseball cap. It’s red and white color out-shined by a green symbol that had been stitched into the front face of he cap, just above the bill. He walked over to it and examined it as if it was the first time he had seen it and reluctantly pulled it from it’s hanger and blew the dust from it’s surface before putting it on his curly hair covered head. He looked at himself using one of the glass picture frames, realizing it no longer looked good on him at his age. He took the cap off, and placed it back on it’s hanger and turned to find something to wear at this hour.


        The man left his mansion that only he lived within and made his way towards the forest that surrounded his home town. He followed a path that only he seemed to be able to see, as the ground was still covered in grass, small bushes and other light vegetation. He soon found himself in an opening where the trees dared not grow, and at its center a flat boulder sat in the moonlight. Its dull gray surface unpolished and thus did not reflect any sort of the light that was casting down upon it. The man slowly made his way to the boulder, his gaze up at the pale yellow moon that made no effort to make notice of the him.

        The man finally sat down slowly upon the rock, his age showing as he placed his handed on the rocks surface before the rest of him could touch down. His gaze once more returned to the moon, as if it would recognize him from the many nights that he had done this before. This place was a place of calming to him, it was quiet and isolated from the rest of the busy world. Even the creature that lived nearby did not have any reason to show up in this break in the thick treeline. It had become a place for him to think and ponder on things in life that bothered him. Though his dream was one that he had been struggling to resolve and move on from.
        This place always fills me with a sense of calmness and resolve, but even now that dream will not leave me or my thoughts.

        It’s only on nights with a full moon that the dream from before wakes me up. I do not understand why I am even having it. Is it just there to remind me of what I have lost or could lose? Is it trying to tell me something about my future? Though that I doubt as without being blessed by Celebi, one cannot have visions of their own future.



        The man soon gave up the thoughts of his reoccurring dream and simply welcomed the feeling of the moon light. It wasn’t warm like the sun, but it still gave him a sort of mystical energy inside of his old body.

        As the moon began to drop behind the treeline, the man stood up and returned to his home. It’s emptiness reminding him of how just alone he really was. Those he thought of as family had moved on with their lives and the one love of his life no longer walked among those around him.


        Making his way through his house, he had ghostly visions of what his future could have been filled with. He wife running after a child in the main entry hall, a child that was never born. The kitchen that his wife could have been cooking meals for all them, now lay empty and cold. The living room that could he could have shared with them covered in white sheets. As he passed the nursery, he could hear the crying of more then just one baby and his wife trying to quiet them as she cradled them in her arms. Cries that he never even got to hear himself.

        All of these visions he had shown him in each one. Always near his wife or helping her with what she could have done while living with him. It caused him enough pain that he had to stop the tour of his own home, his own living nightmare. For this was not the first time he had taken this self-guided tour through his home. Every time that the recent dream had plagued him mind, he walked the same footsteps through this quiet and empty building he still called home. Reminding him of what he had lost.

        He returned to the entry hall now empty and without the visions, making his way up the large staircase to the second floor where his bedroom and study resided. He reentered into his room shutting the door behind him and sat down in his chair that was positioned in front of the desk that he had seen when he had awoken earlier that night. He leaned back and looked through the window once more, the moon now setting beyond the horizon of the far mountains, beckoning the start of the new day. However to him, it felt like the last day on a repeating cycle and to that thought he returned to his work among the piles of papers and books that lay before him.


        Some things never change I guess…

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          #4    
        Old April 26th, 2016 (9:14 PM).
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        Necrum Necrum is offline
        I AM THE REAL SONIC
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        Here are a few points I thin can be improved on in the Intro:
        -Describing the ship simply as "futuristic" is perhaps a little too generalized. At least a little proper description of the actual shape, color, etc of the ship would probably help your introduction be more grabbing. Typically you don't need to use the word futuristic in the third person, it's more something I would expect a character to use than an outside voice of god as it were.
        -When the First Lieutenant addresses the hull integrity, I would expect his military and technical training to prompt a more exact value than almost 100%.
        -Personnel, not personal.
        -I actually forgot this was a Pokemon FF before I reached the last paragraph so kudos for the surprise reveal of Ash and his team.
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          #5    
        Old April 26th, 2016 (10:50 PM).
        videoman's Avatar
        videoman videoman is offline
        I'm no hero. And never was.
           
          Join Date: Aug 2008
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          Quote:
          Originally Posted by Necrum View Post
          Here are a few points I thin can be improved on in the Intro:
          -Describing the ship simply as "futuristic" is perhaps a little too generalized. At least a little proper description of the actual shape, color, etc of the ship would probably help your introduction be more grabbing. Typically you don't need to use the word futuristic in the third person, it's more something I would expect a character to use than an outside voice of god as it were.
          -When the First Lieutenant addresses the hull integrity, I would expect his military and technical training to prompt a more exact value than almost 100%.
          -Personnel, not personal.
          -I actually forgot this was a Pokemon FF before I reached the last paragraph so kudos for the surprise reveal of Ash and his team.
          Thanks for the tips! I will go back and see what I can do to improve the writing even more.

          I am glad that it was not evident right off the bat that this is a Pokemon FF. I was sort of going for that intro feel, so I am glad that it worked. What do you think about the emotion in both parts (Intro and Chapter 1)? I try my best to make the characters more relatable and emotion invoking. I know it's a pretty dark start, but I don't plan on having it be that way throughout the whole story.

          Basically my question is, did the story so far make you feel the emotions of the characters in it?
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            #6    
          Old April 28th, 2016 (1:37 PM).
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          Aisu Aisu is offline
             
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            I'm afraid I'm not old enough a member to remember your old story, videoman, but this I do find very interesting.

            Quote:
            A ship of futuristic design descends towards the surface of a planet far from our own. It’s hull and surface alight with fire, it’s main propulsion thrusters flicker with what life is left in them as the engines lose all power.
            I'm so sorry to be 'that guy' but it hurts not to be. its* But if it makes you feel better I do love this imagery

            Quote:
            “Captain, it’s not over yet. Even if they leave, you still have myself and Blastoise here to see this to the end with you. You have always been my friend Ash Ketchum, and that will never change no matter the situation.” said the yellow creature, as the Second Lieutenant Blastoise walked up to stand beside Captain Ash. The blue turtle placed his hand on the mans shoulder, more gently then one would think it could with its body size.
            I'm not even gonna lie, this hit me hard

            Quote:
            That dream again. Why has it been so frequent in my sleep? I am not much one for tears these days, but it still causes them to fall from my face. Why? What does it mean?

            He sat up, his self thought not a thing on his mind for long.
            I'm assuming that this is a thought because no quotation marks and the first person, so in that case you should distinguish it from the regular text. Also, "self thought"? Your thoughts are, like, automatically towards yourself.

            Quote:
            As he passed the nursery, he could hear the crying of more then just one baby and his wife trying to quiet them as she cradled them in her arms. Cries that he never even got to hear himself.
            Excuse me while I quietly get in my feelings
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              #7    
            Old April 28th, 2016 (5:07 PM).
            videoman's Avatar
            videoman videoman is offline
            I'm no hero. And never was.
               
              Join Date: Aug 2008
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              Age: 27
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              Posts: 43
              Quote:
              Originally Posted by Aisu View Post
              I'm afraid I'm not old enough a member to remember your old story, videoman, but this I do find very interesting.



              I'm so sorry to be 'that guy' but it hurts not to be. its* But if it makes you feel better I do love this imagery



              I'm not even gonna lie, this hit me hard



              I'm assuming that this is a thought because no quotation marks and the first person, so in that case you should distinguish it from the regular text. Also, "self thought"? Your thoughts are, like, automatically towards yourself.



              Excuse me while I quietly get in my feelings
              Sorry about the thought not being in italics. It should have been, but I have been writing this in a word document so copy and paste didn't transfer it over properly I guess.

              I will fix the thought that should be in italics right now, as well as the self thought thing. I was revising the Intro and Chapter 1 at a time that I should have been in bed. So my apologies about that.
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                #8    
              Old April 23rd, 2017 (12:33 PM).
              videoman's Avatar
              videoman videoman is offline
              I'm no hero. And never was.
                 
                Join Date: Aug 2008
                Location: In my own Videogame World
                Age: 27
                Gender: Male
                Nature: Bold
                Posts: 43
                Geez, it's been almost over a year since I last posted anything here? 0_0

                Apologies everyone. Life's been rough for a while, however I did work on where I left off chapter wise last night. So I hope to have the next chapter uploaded within this next week.

                It's a long chapter, but long in a good way. Lots of meat and interesting story. So yay!
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