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Old June 3rd, 2017 (8:07 AM).
DreamSayer DreamSayer is offline
     
    Join Date: Jun 2017
    Posts: 7
    Hello! This is my first story ever on this site and i hope you like it!




    `poke speech,`

    "normal human speech"

    thoughts

    ~telepathy~



    Chapter 01- Tragedy



    A single mother was preparing food in the kitchen, humming a tune as she gently chopped the carrots on the cutting board. Some footsteps could be heard coming from the staircase and then smiled because she knew it was just her son trying to sneak his way out of the house again. "You're off to see your mystery friend today too, Geo?"

    Geo then paused for a moment as he was about to take another step. He lifted his head slowly and looked towards the kitchen with a nervous smile. "Yeah, I…am,"

    "Ha ha, I see. Could you wait while I prepare your lunch for you before you head out?" she added the chopped carrots to the meal she was preparing.

    "Alright Mom," Geo said while walking a few steps down. His head felt light and he ruffled his head and noticed that he wasn't wearing his hat. "Oh, I almost forgot."

    He went back to his room to get it. There was a single bed tucked in with a poke ball patterned blanket. Some generic poke plushies were on his brown bedside drawer and there was a white curtained window opposite to his bed and a round blue carpet on the floor. The glare of his wristwatch caught his eye by the mirror and he picked it and strapped in onto his right wrist. He proceeded to wear his straw hat right after, pulling it down his head to make it fit.

    "I had better get going, don't want to end up staying out too long like last time," he looked at his reflection and removed a small piece of cotton that was almost entering his honey brown eyes. Much to his annoyance, he'd ruffled up his hair too much on the stairs and he had to take off his hat to adjust his black-green hair by combing it.

    "Geo! The food's ready, You can come and take it now!" his mother him from downstairs, turning off the stove and serving some for him to take out in a lunch box. With the amount of food she made for him, he'll probably not get hungry in quite a while.

    "I'll be there in a jiff!" he dropped the comb and left the room in a rush. A few seconds later, he ran back in and picked up the hat he nearly forgot a second time and shrugged his shoulders. "Why am I so forgetful these days?"

    He went downstairs and took the packed lunch on the brown coffee table with sweaty palms. "I'm heading out now. I'll be back before dinner,"

    "You better be," she folded her hands underneath her chest. Who could blame her for worrying about him?

    "Don't worry Mom, I will," he chuckled and waved before closing the door behind him.

    ************

    Outside, one could see the rest of the town and buildings that was surrounded by the lush green forests of the countryside. He took a deep breath of air and exhaled, his heart beating in anticipation. The place he lived in was a small town known was New Bark town. Most of the houses in the town had wind mills to take advantage of the windy climate.

    He came down from the porch and ran to a nearby river that had a single small wooden boat tied to a pole on the docks. As carefully as he could, he moved around his fingers to loosen the knots and untied the boat. Setting one foot at a time, he climbed onto it then he rowed into the slow moving river, each row making him to make a grunting noise.

    He looked back to see if he was being followed and put his palm over his forehead and squinted his eyes to have a clearer view and reduce the stress the sunlight was having on his vision. After making sure that there weren't any followers, he then relaxed his mind and sighed peacefully as he continued rowing.

    After some time, he took a turn and set shore near some of the tress of a thick forest nearby. He got off the boat and pulled it next to a tree with rigid roots that were surfacing out of the muddy ground. After tying it up, he climbed up the short steep ground leading to the forests. After walking far enough away from the river, he was left in the brisk silence of the forest. The pine trees towered their way above. The forest ground was dry, grassy and littered with dead leaves. Each step he took made a rustling sound on top of the already present silence. "Seriously, I can never get used to how creepy this place is," he stopped for a second due to the unnatural silence. Why does the forest make him feel so uneasy every time he comes?

    "Boo!" someone screamed from behind.

    "Whah!" In his surprised state, he fell down and started flailing his arms around frantically. he turned to see who scared him and rolled his eyes and shook his head. It was a pink cat-like pokemon with big blue eyes and a really long tail. "For crying out loud Mew, do you have to do that like every time?" He sighed in relief that it wasn't something more sinister, just someone slightly mischievous.

    The Pokémon, now known as Mew, then burst out laughing, holding her stomach while floating above him. She always found a way to spook him whenever he came to visit her in the forest. It was always funny to watch his reactions. And it worked every time.

    "Honestly, one of these days, you're gonna give me a heart attack," Geo sat down on his knees. She descended down until she was facing him at eye level. Her eyes flickered with disdain at the thought. she gave out her hands to help him up. He accepted her help and she effortlessly pulled him to his feet. Geo felt a bit aback by her strength at times.

    "So, what do you want to do today?" Geo dusted off his pants. "Wanna play tag, a race, tree climbing or just walking around?"

    ~I don't know. What do you want to do, Geo?~ she asked him with her telepathy, he wouldn't understand her otherwise.

    "You're asking me now?" his mouth curved into a smile.

    ~Well you always ask me what I want to do and that's not fair. This time, I want to do what you want to do,~ she flew around him in circles.

    He chuckled and scratched his cheek. "Alright then, if you say so. Hmm, let's see… which game should we play." He stared at her for a few seconds. "I know! I'm going to call out the name of different Pokémon and you're going to turn into them as fast as you can before I call the next one… if that's okay with you of course."

    ~That sounds like fun. You're on!~ Mew smirked and stopped in midair.

    "Okay, turn into an espeon!"

    As he watched she descended towards the ground. Her body momentarily glowed in a light blue light and her body shape changed. In mere moments, she had turned into a purple long eared fox like pokemon with a tail that split in two towards the edge. She'd become an espeon just like he asked her too.

    "Rapidash!" he called next. And then Mew turned into a beautiful flaming horse. They kept playing this game for some time and eventually, Mew couldn't transform anymore. She'd exhausted herself after going through too many consecutive transformations. She was now feeling wobbly.

    ~I can't do this anymore. It's too exhausting.~ She finally lost balance and was about to fall. Geo instinctively caught her before she fell to the ground.

    "Are you gonna be okay? I'm sorry for making you strain yourself." His eyebrows drew close as he looked at her in concern.

    ~I'll be fine, don't worry. I was just a bit tired, but I'm fine now.~ Mew freed herself from his hold and was back afloat.

    "That's very good to hear." He wiped his forehead and walked to a tree bark. He rubbed his hand against the surface before sitting down and leaning against it. He unstrapped his bag from his back and brought out the lunch his mom made him, including some snacks for Mew. "You hungry Mew? I've brought some snacks, it's your favorite!"

    Mew's face gleamed and she darted right to the front of his face. It nearly scared him at the time. ~Yay! Did you bring that really good one?~

    "Of course I did. Here you go, Lum berry crunchies." he held out the green sachet of biscuits. Mew immediately snatched them and popped it open. Next thing he knew, she'd already stuffed her cheeks up to the brim with them.

    "Hey don't eat them so fast like that or you might end up choking," his eyes widened as he tried to take it back from her.

    She saw it coming and quickly pulled away. ~But they taste so good and I can't help myself!~ she swallowed the ones in her mouth all at once. Seeing her do that made his worries of her possibly choking to fade.

    "You sure are something, aren't you?" he relaxed himself and stared up at the tree tops in silence.

    ~What's wrong?~ she moved and sat beside him.

    "I was just thinking… My mom told me that I can get a starter Pokémon from a professor in town," he sighed and there was uncertainty in his expression.

    ~You're going to get a pokemon?~ Mew asked, still feasting on her snacks. "But then, wouldn't you-~

    "Yeah, I'm going become a trainer and travel all over the region, collect gym badges and maybe get a chance to challenge the Pokémon champion. It's going to be one hell of an adventure to look forward to."

    ~You're going to leave? Does that mean that you're not going to come back here again?~ Mew's mood plummeted.

    "What? No, that's not it. I was actually thinking… will you be my starter pokemon instead?" Geo's gaze turned to meet hers.

    ~Huh? You want me to come with you?~

    "Are you kidding?! Of course I do! You're like the best friend I've ever had!" he saw that she wasn't enthused about the idea. "Wouldn't you want to come with me?"

    ~I do! But… I may end up attracting the wrong kind of attention if seen with you. Do you know why I don't trust most humans?~ Mew said, feeling uncertain.

    "Yeah, I understand. It was worth a shot anyway."

    From the way he spoke, she could tell that he wasn't very happy about that. ~I'm sorry Geo. I really want to go with you, but I don't know if I'll be able to.~

    He patted her on the head. "It's okay Mew. Even I would've felt the same way if I were in your position. But in any case, will you at least promise me that we'll always be friends forever?"

    She then hugged him on the chest. ~That's a promise!~

    ************

    "It's getting late. I better head home," the sky was beginning to grow streaks of crimson, a sign of sunset.

    ~What already? Can't you stay here just a bit longer?~ Mew asked while pulling on his sleeve, looking despondent.

    "You know I cant. Don't worry, I'll come back tomorrow and then we can have fun again. I don't want my mom to get worried."

    "Hey kid! Isn't it way past your bedtime?" They heard a deep voice yell from deep in the jungle and then some wind blades appeared flying in their direction. Geo gasped and pulled Mew out of the way of the attack. He however, got a cut on his shoulder in the process.

    Mew shrieked out in fear for both of their lives, really taken aback by the sudden attack. Even with all of her power, Mew was the type to get frozen in place when facing a direct threat.

    "Who's there?!" Geo got up from the ground and was holding firmly onto his shoulder. He winced as the bloodstain expanded on his shirt.

    "I heard a rumor in town that there were some rare Pokémon that could be found here in this jungle. But, who would've thought that I'd run into the holy grail of all prized Pokémon, Mew," a scary looking man said, walking out from behind one of the trees. He was dark skinned and has a scar on the back of one of his wrists and wore a red bandana over his head. He was wearing a dystopian raider getup. And his murkrow was sitting on his shoulder, wearing a similarly devious smirk like its trainer. They began to approach Geo and Mew.

    "Who are you?!" Geo pushed Mew behind him and glared at the man.

    "I'm just a good ol' rare pokemon collector." The man responded and then put out one of his hands. "Hand over that Pokémon kid, or else things are gonna get ugly. And I must tell you, I'm not great with kids."

    ~Geo! Are you alright?~ Mew noticed the wound on his shoulder and her heart began racing.

    "Don't worry about me! You need to get out of here! I'll hold them off!" Geo quickly picked up a sturdy looking stick from the ground using his bloodied and uninjured hand.

    ~But! What about you?!~ Mew was shaking.

    "Just go! I'll meet up with you later," Geo retorted.

    "Murk, wing attack," his murkrow then flew towards them with glowing wings. Geo waited for the murkrow to come close before swinging the stick at him. He almost hit the murkrow in the face, forcing the murkrow to stop its attack and fall back. It then let out an awful sounding cry.

    "Hurry Mew!" Geo said again. Mew, still unsure of what to do, then finally flew away in the distance, concealing her presence along the way.

    "Dammit!" The man cursed furiously. "It got away! all thanks to you." the man was looking very furious, his nose flaring up and the veins on his forehead growing visible.

    "Sucks for you then, *******!" Geo mocked cockily. He would regret doing that minutes later.

    "I'm gonna have to make you pay, Kid. You are so going to get hurt!" the man said with a scary expression.

    "The only thing I'm paying is a farewell, dummy!" Geo had a simple plan; distract them and escape. So, simple and straightforward, what could go wrong? He then pointed at a random direction and gasped while wearing a very shocked expression. The man, being none the wiser, fell for the trick and turned around to see what Geo had pointed at only to find nothing in the distance but trees.

    He turned back to face Geo angrily and saw him running away. "Murk, use Air Slash!" He said, issuing a command to his loyal Pokémon which then sent multiple blades of air towards Geo.

    Geo kept on running and barely dodging the attacks. He breathed heavily as he was chased by the man and his bird pokemon. Geo ran and ran and ran, passing tree after tree. The pain he felt on his shoulder only grew even more intense and he used his hand to cover it again after sliding down a slope and hiding behind a rock. After spending so much time in the forest, Geo practically knew it like the back of his palm and losing the man wasn't all that too difficult. Alright then, I'll just stay here and wait for that guy to leave. Seems simple enough… he closed his eyes and took in a deep breath.

    "There you are! You filthy rascal!" Geo's eyes snapped open once he heard the man spot him. It occurred to him that his blood had left a trail. After nearly cursing at his own fate, Geo got up and was back on the run. "Get back here! Murkrow, air slash that bastard now!"

    ************

    Meanwhile, Mew was still flying away but the further she flew, the more she grew mad at herself. Her heart was beating fast and she felt goosebumps all around her. What was even worse was the guilt of having left Geo behind that she was feeling. I can't do this! I must go back and help him she determined to herself.

    Eventually, she made a U-turn, determined to help Geo fend the man off because she very well knew that Geo would be in danger if she didn't go back. She flew back into the forest. ~Geo! Where are you?~ she asked at the top of her telepathic power.

    "Mew?" Geo stopped in his tracks upon hearing her voice in his head. That moment of distraction made him not to see what was coming next. One of Murkrow's air slash attacks had cut a tree with a fragile bark, and it was now falling down right towards and unexpecting Geo. Geo finally snapped back into reality when he heard the sound of branches breaking and shrieked upon seeing the tree about to crush him. He tried to run out of the way, but he tripped and fell.

    "Woah, didn't see that coming," the man said, after watching the tree crush his target underneath. "Yeah… I'm just gonna go now." Not wanting anything more to do with what had just transpired, the man went on his way and out of the scene.

    Mew heard the sound of the tree falling from a distance. She suspected that Geo was there and she followed the sound of where it came from. Deep down, she hoped that Geo was okay. After arriving at the place where the tree fell, she immediately started looking around it. Her heart sank into her stomach once she noticed a hand sticking out from the side of the tree.

    ~Geo!~ tears started forming in her eyes as she pulled the tree up with her psychic power. She dropped it aside and found Geo lying there, motionless.

    "Oh Mew… You just had to call me at a very wrong time…" he smiled and then started coughing blood.

    ~You're going to be okay! I promise!~

    "Don't worry. I'm just glad you're safe." He petted her on the head a last time before his consciousness completely drained from his body.

    ~Geo!~ she began to shake him, trying to wake him up in her desperation. The forest had grown cold as the veil of night began to take over the sky, and so has Geo. He was already gone.

    ~Geo! No! Please, wake up!~ Mew buried her face in his chest and cried. She'd hoped to hear the sound of a heartbeat. ~This truly was my fault. If I had stayed to fight that mean human, I probably could've prevented this from happening. But I was too scared of being captured. If only there was a way for me to bring you back,~ she scolded herself and clenched her paws in regret.

    "Wait, maybe if I take Geo to him, maybe he can bring him back!" an idea crossed her mind, one that was only a long shot. She tried her best to calm her mind so that she could teleport because it could only work when she had a stable mindset. She took in slow and steady breaths.

    I'll definitely bring you back no matter what, Geo She thought to herself, full of will and determination.

    ************

    She teleported them to the top of a very tall structure on a high mountain, one that was reaching into the clouds. Mew went there in order to seek help from a certain mystical pokemon she knew very well and had a long history with.

    'Ho-oh! I need your help! It's really important!' Mew called out. Then there was a brief silence. Moments later, a golden glow shone through the thick clouds. The clouds were then pushed back by a powerful gust, revealing a huge orange bird flying in all its elegance and glory.

    'My, my, I don't recall asking for any visitors today.' Ho-oh landed with a huge thud and reclined his wings.

    'Please… Help me!' she pleaded while holding on to Geo. 'Do me a favor if you can!'

    'Well anything for you, my dear old friend.' He unfolded his wings and they glowed in a rainbow pattern. 'Does it have to do with that human corpse you're holding?' he fixed his gaze on the body she was clinging on to.

    'He's not a corpse.' Mew fired back almost angrily. 'His name is Geo! and he's a friend of mine.'

    'A human, your friend?! it's not like you to befriend a human. this boy must have been special in some way to you. So, what do you want me to do?'

    'I want you to bring him back to me. I made a mistake, and it lead to his death. Please, help me!' Mew asked very politely.

    'You want me to bring him back from the dead? I don't know about this Mew… Sure, I've brought some Pokémon back to life in the past. But, even though the ashes from my flames are sometimes used for healing by humans, never have I brought a human back from to life.' Ho-oh was very skeptical about the procedure.

    'Please, just do this for me. All I ask is to be able to be with him again…' Mew put her paw on her chest and bit her lower lip, tears continued to drip down her face.

    'Fine, I'll try to bring him back. I can't bring him back through the typical means since his body has been damaged beyond repair' Ho-oh explained. 'There is another way though. However, it comes with a price.'

    'What do you mean?' Mew looked puzzled.

    'I could theoretically bring him back but only if I make him take the appearance of the Pokémon he saw last before he died.' He paused and gave her a stern look. 'If you go with this, you'll be the one responsible for whatever becomes of him in the future. The lives of humans and pokemon are vastly different and he may not necessarily be able to adjust. Are you sure you still want to do this? Perhaps you should just leave him as he is. It is disrespectful to resurrect others against their own wills.'

    'I don't care about any of those bonkers! I just want my friend back!'

    'Okay okay, as you wish. But don't expect it to work. Oh, you should back away a little from the human a bit," he said with a sigh. He then lifted his wings and flapped them once, creating a strong gust of air. His body glowed again as he launched himself up once more, casting a shadow against the moon. He then formed rainbow flames around himself and sent them bolting towards Geo, completely engulfing in it.

    In the aftermath of it, Geo's body had completely disappeared and in his place, was a poke ball sized bubble glowing in a tranquil orange hue. Mew picked up the glowing orb and her eyebrows grew close. 'It didn't work?!'

    "No, it'll take time for his new body to form. What you're seeing now is the culmination of his past experiences and memories. In a manner of speaking, you could say that he's being reborn; he'll undergo what I'd like to call a birth by sleep," Ho-oh explained further, which made her relieved.

    "Really? Thank goodness, that's very wonderful!" Mew sighed in relief upon hearing that. 'So, how long will it take for him to come back?"

    "It's going to take anywhere between now and ten years. That's as far as I can tell a you. And with that, I take my leave," Ho-oh said before taking off into the skies and flying off once more.

    Mew then teleported back to her home in Faraway Island, and went to her little clearing and kept the ball life essence there. "No matter how long it takes, I'll always be waiting for you to come back, Geo."
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      #2    
    Old June 4th, 2017 (4:41 PM).
    Vragon
    Guest
       
      Posts: n/a
      Neat little start. While I will say the whole setting of a kid and a mew is Cliché as hell, I will admit I didn't expect the chapter ending you did. I liked how you put the mew as somewhat of a weakling in confidence to fight and somewhat intimidated by "mean humans". That I believe is a good fit for mew and while the boy hasn't had too much disclosing about himself yet, I see that it will be later that he'll get his due. Course, I would like to have known how they met or at least how mew trusted him but that's minor.

      Unfortunately the thing that annoyed me from this work was mainly the sentence structure errors. It was filled with a lot and made it somewhat of a chore to read it through without having to ensure what I was reading was what I thought it said. Here's a few that stuck out.

      1) Talking Verbs
      Quote:
      "Ha ha, I see. Could you wait while I prepare your lunch for you before you head out?" she added the chopped carrots to the meal she was preparing.
      In this she doesn't have the action of "saying" anything and adds carrots in the next sentence. This is problematic since the end of the dialogue isn't the end of the sentence. So to remedy this you could either.
      A) add a talking verb with a comma linking the next part.
      B) Go to the next line to break from the sentence.

      2) Indicators
      " " are all you need.
      ' ' are used for quotes/inner dialogue in dialogue.
      ~ ~ isn't viable for talking and from what I saw later in your story you got tired of using it.
      thoughts can be fixed with thinking verbs.
      Use words to describe the action of the individual. You said in the story at this spot
      Quote:
      ~I don't know. What do you want to do, Geo?~ she asked him with her telepathy, he wouldn't understand her otherwise.
      This is all you need for the telepathy bit. I can understand the natural urge to use indicators, but they do more harm than good. It helps to merely describe how they communicate and then your readers can connect the dots for conversation.

      3) repetition
      Quote:
      "Whah!" In his surprised state, he fell down and started flailing his arms around frantically. he turned to see who scared him and rolled his eyes and shook his head. It was a pink cat-like pokemon with big blue eyes and a really long tail. "For crying out loud Mew, do you have to do that like every time?" He sighed in relief that it wasn't something more sinister, just someone slightly mischievous.

      The Pokémon, now known as Mew, then burst out laughing, holding her stomach while floating above him. She always found a way to spook him whenever he came to visit her in the forest. It was always funny to watch his reactions. And it worked every time.
      He tells us that the mon's name is mew. Then you say "now known as Mew,". The latter is completely unnecessary. Along with that there is the scaring him every visit. He tells the pink cat thing "do you have to do that like every time?" then later you say, "She always found a way to spook him whenever he came to visit her in the forest".
      You see what I mean. Needless repetition can slow the reading down and just relays old info that can bore the reader. When doing things in dialogue and description it helps to check and ensure your not saying the same thing twice.

      Now with some of the nasty out of the way, I'd like to end on positives.


      I) Start
      Your story had a good start to me. At first I thought it would be "Your generic Mew and human fiction" but you killed that of quick. Quicker than the kid I must say, I'm despicable. The Ho-oh part was a pretty neat way to talk about his thing and the whole moral you put in. Makes me anxious to see if it will really strain their friendship, also the Mom has my sympathies.

      II) Wordplay
      Aside from the sentence errors I saw a lot of good word usage in here, I am a vocabularyaholic after all. I'm glad to see that you tried not to repeat the same "Action" verbs very few sentences and tried to spice it up now and then.

      III) Ambition.
      For being your first story on this site YOU SAID IT NOT ME! you did pretty good. Grammar and sentences stuff is an issue, but those things can be remedied much easier than a hard start. I believe this is a good start and your story has a lot of potential.

      I've gone a bit much in text so I'll end with my thoughts

      I like Axew!


      Your story right now is an Axew Egg.

      I wish you a well written future! (ignore the Damn pun it's instinctual I can't help it, DON'T JUDGE ME!)
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