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  #1    
Old July 6th, 2017 (5:01 AM).
Turjo12's Avatar
Turjo12 Turjo12 is offline
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    Location: South Asia
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    Hello guys! I am not really into writing that much but, I will try my best not to disappoint you. -_-
    Have fun reading it. :)

    Pokemon Spark


    Episode 1: Choose a Pokemon!

    So, the journey begins with a Boy called Ben who is from Kamikaze Town situated in the 'Kaizo' Region, which is in the Farthest of 'Kanto' Region. He is a boy with a dream to become the best trainer of Kaizo Region, which is the Pokemon Master. As he turned 13, he gets to choose his starter Pokemon from the Pokemon Lab of Professor Lee, a famous scientist in the Pokemon Regions.
    There are 3 Pokemons to choose from. They are:
    Spoiler:

    1.Turtwig
    2.Chimchar
    3.Piplup


    Ben gets confused, he likes all of them. But, he can take only one of them. So, he thought for a little, finally came to a decision. He chose Chimchar, The Fire Type Pokemon.
    The Professor said with pleasure, "Congratulations on getting your first Pokemon, it seems happy with you." Ben replied, "Thanks a lot, Professor."

    Suddenly, another boy near Ben's age enters the Lab. He introduced himself as Light, a boy from Lokan City, a nearby city. He also wanted to get a Pokemon. The Professor told him that, there were only 2 Pokemons left. So, Light chose Piplup, the Water Type Pokemon. The Professor also congratulated him.
    Then, he suggested to have a battle between them. So, the Battle started between the new trainers in the Pokemon Laboratory.

    Ben sent out Chimchar, and Light sent out Piplup.

    The Battle:
    Spoiler:

    Go Chimchar! said Ben with the tone of determination.
    Go Piplup! said Light.
    Ben: Chimchar, use Scratch!
    Light: Dodge it and counter it with a Tackle.
    Commentary: Chimchar got hit.
    Ben: Don't worry, Chimchar.You can do it! Use Scratch again!
    Light: Again, dodge it!
    Commentary: Piplup failed to dodge it, it lost a big amount of it's HP.
    Ben: That's it.Use Ember!
    Light: Piplup, Use Bubble.
    Commentary:Chimchar used Ember, Piplup failed to use Bubble.
    Ben: Now, Finish it with Scratch!
    Commentary: Piplup has fainted. Chimchar is the winner.Congratulations to Ben for winning.

    Ben: Good job, Chimchar. Now get some rest, Return!
    Light: Congratulations for winning. It was a really fun battle.
    Ben: You, too. Hope we get to battle again!

    Light left the Lab, after that. Ben also got determined to start his journey.

    What lies ahead of these new Pokemon Trainers? Find out next in Pokemon Spark.
    __________________

    Well, that's the Episode 1 of my whole new Pokemon Story. :D
    If you have any suggestions for me to improve, please post it in the comment. I will be looking forward to it.
    Thanks.
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      #2    
    Old July 6th, 2017 (9:45 AM).
    Vragon
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      Okay, um I'm not sure if this is a story or a Nuzlocke thing so I won't say anything plot regards.

      Though here are some things I will talk about. While you did say that you're not really into writing (and that's fine) this is merely thoughts on it and doesn't really need to be as you could say "necessary fixes".

      1) The starters
      Pictures aren't really necessary nor really is the whole spoiler tag around them. Even if you are doing this as a nuzlocke, it is somewhat put right into your face when clicking it. I wasn't expecting it so I did kinda move back a little.

      2) Dialogue.
      Again I don't know your intentions for this but I'll say this anyway. The wording here is mediocre to me. It seems more like at the beginning of a version game rather than something a real new trainer would say. I'm not saying you have to be extravagant with your lingo, but I can say that this is a little bit.....boring.

      3) The battle
      I honestly don't know why you spoiler tagged the battle but I'll put that aside. The battle again like the dialogue looks like from a game and well is a bit boring (to me at least).

      positive thing though!
      I like the way you format and you seem to have an idea of where to go. Since this is a new trainers journey, this is a great opportunity to really flesh out this "Ben". Also, love his hometown's name and the regions as well.

      While it's lacking in details, I can say this isn't a horrible start. It's fine and you can really push off of this. One last time, I don't know exactly what your doing this as, but you say that it's a writing thing so I'll say this if you intend to do it as more of a writing style thing like origins. Ben is your trainer and well fleshing him and his mon out will be good in making us cheer for him along the way. Also, I'm curious about light, and how exactly this Kaizo region will have it's story play out. Also, I wonder what the gym leaders will be like? (Assuming that there will be ones but yeah to early)

      Anyway I wish you well.
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        #3    
      Old July 6th, 2017 (11:26 PM).
      Turjo12's Avatar
      Turjo12 Turjo12 is offline
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        Thanks a lot for you compliment and feedback.
        I will try to improve as much as I can. I will try to write it as a writer, not a gamer. :)
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          #4    
        Old July 8th, 2017 (1:18 AM).
        aryan kaushik aryan kaushik is offline
           
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          It is a nice story I hope u add its other parts soon
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            #5    
          Old July 8th, 2017 (3:29 AM).
          Turjo12's Avatar
          Turjo12 Turjo12 is offline
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            Thank you for your patience guys! The 2nd Episode is finally released.
            Have fun. :)
            ______________________________________________
            Pokemon Spark

            Episode 2: The Tourist with the Straw hat

            As Ben comes out of the Lab, he saw his parents waiting for him. They congratulated Ben for getting his first Pokemon. Then, his mother gives him the Backpack which she made for Ben for his new journey. Now, Ben feels more encouraged to start his journey. So, he thanked all of his friends ,parents and finally started his journey to become the Pokemon Champion.

            He walked for a bit, and came to Route 1A, which is the first route of Kaizo Region. He is excited.Suddenly, he saw a person wearing a straw hat roaming there. Ben went near the person and asked why he is walking there. He did not say anything at first but, after sometime, he asked Ben if he is a Pokemon Trainer. Ben replied in the affirmative. Then, the person introduced himself as a tourist, who is from the Kanto Region. He asked Ben if he could help him to reach Lokan City. Ben did not hesitate, So they started to walk towards Lokan City. Suddenly, a Pokemon appeared. Ben got excited and sent out his Chimchar. The tourist was sitting a little far away from the place to watch the battle. Then, he took out a Red colored device and pointed it at the Pokemon.Then he put that thing in his bag. Ben did not know what the device was, but before that, he must battle the Pokemon.
            He told Chimchar to use Ember, the Pokemon dodged it and ran away with a great speed.
            Ben sighed and returned his Chimchar in the PokeBall. He went near the tourist and asked what the red looking device was. The tourist replied with a smile that it is called a "Pokedex". Ben could not understand what it is used for, so again he asked him the uses of a Pokedex. The tourist said that it is used for collecting data of any Pokemon he sees or catches. Ben did not understand at first but, after he saw the data of the Pokemon he was battling, he got the idea. Ben asked if he could have a Pokedex, too. The tourist nodded his head and said, "Of course, I have a spare one. You can have it." Ben thanked him a lot and it made him for determined. So, they again started their journey to Lokan City.
            _________________________________________

            That's all for today. I am kind of busy these days and having exams at school.
            Please let me know if you have any feedback on how to improve.
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              #6    
            Old July 8th, 2017 (4:34 AM).
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            bobandbill bobandbill is offline
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            Hi! As requested, here are some of my thoughts. Just commenting on the first chapter given you posted part 2 before I noticed, which was only after I previewed this post. =p

            I agree with Vragon firstly on the spoilers. There's no need to use spoiler tags for different parts of the chapter. Making the user click to continue reading is distracting and breaks up the reading pace - you want to make things as easy as possible for the reader. (And that's already harder with stories posted on forums - computer screens aren't great for the eyes, etc).

            My first bit of advice actually is to check out other fics here and see how different authors present their stories. Some ways you'll find that you like and others not, and you can then adapt how you write as well.

            Now, some general tips to build on other things Vragon mentioned:

            - description. Vragon mentioned that the images are distracting, and certainly in this case they're not really necessary to the reader. You don't want to replicate the games by showing an image, you want the reader to visualise in their mind what is happening in the story and have them imagine the scene based on what you write.

            So - focus on describing things. There's a lot you could do with this. What does Ben look like, for instance? More importantly, what is his character? We're told he is a boy, he wants to be a Pokemon master, and is 13. But we don't know anything else and so it's hard to imagine him.

            To begin with then, decide what he looks like to you, and what Ben is like, and include that in your writing. However, be careful to try to employ something called "show, don't tell". By this, I mean instead of telling the reader a fact (e.g. "Ben was messy."), show it to us ("Ben grabbed the least stained shirt from the pile of clothes on his bedroom floor." which indicates to us that he is messy because he leaves his room in such a state. it's more interesting to read, and by showing us facts through actions, that means that the story/plot is moving at the same time.

            Telling is fine sometimes, mind! Don't try to 'show' information every single sentence. But by the same token, don't always tell the reader information straight up. Alternatively, do both! E.g. when you say "Ben gets confused", you can say this and have him scratch his head, or say "Hmm..." or the like.

            The short version - describe more, and include more characterisation and personality in the characters. How and what people do tells the reader a lot about a character, and they are vital for a story to be interesting.

            - Avoid having the story read like a game. The battle is the major example of this happening. Commentary of "Chimchar got hit.", "it lost a big amount of its HP.", etc. makes the story read like someone playing the game. And that comes off as, well, boring! Rather, use the freedom of your story to be inventive and describe the battle.

            For example, "Chimchar got hit" could be expanded into "Chimchar sprang forward, but Piplup ducked its head and charged below the monkey's swinging arm and collided with Chimchar." "Piplup failed to dodge it, it lost a big amount of its HP" could be replaced with "Piplup was too slow and this time was on the receiving end of the Scratch attack. It squeaked in pain as Chimchar's claws raked its belly." It squeaking in pain shows the audience the attack must have hurt (and ergo "lost a big amount of HP"), and showing where the attack hit makes it easier for the audience to imagine how the attack was executed.

            Again - check out other fics here and see how other battles are written.

            - Spellcheck. Be sure to take the time to proofread! I noticed you said:
            Quote:
            That's all for today. I am kind of busy these days and having exams at school.
            My advice here is to take the time to write, and then have a break before you re-read and edit. Readers can wait for you to post an update when real life gets busy - they certainly will if the story is good. Meanwhile, use a spelling and grammar checker. Microsoft word or the like have these tools built in, and if you don't have those programs, google docs allows you to save your work and also can do this for you (internet browsers have spell checkers these days). I noticed a fair few sentences which a spelling/grammar checker would have highlighted. These errors can also distract a reader from the story.

            That'll do for now - I don't want to overload you too much and it's better to start improving on some areas first. Good luck with your story!
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