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Help & Advice Thread

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Kyrul

Long Live The Note
841
Posts
12
Years
Hey guys, wondering if you could help me with a problem I'm having.

I'm going to be a sophomore in college next Monday, and I'm feeling pretty down. I'm excited to see my new dorm (I have no roommate this year, which is AWESOME) and I can't wait to start class and my new job, but I'm scared of meeting my fellow Coyotes this year. I guess the reasons are superficial, but they're a big problem for me.

I live in a small town filled with extremely attractive people, but I'm not one of them. I'm 200lbs (I'm working on it) and I'm definitely one of the least-pretty girls on campus. I hate seeing how I compare to other girls because it makes me realize just how physically ugly I am. It's embarrassing. Yes, I do have a couple friends, and a boyfriend of one year, but still—I'm embarrassed to go out in public, and classes are going to be hell for me. I don't understand why I was made so ugly while others were made beautiful and perfect, but I guess there's nothing I can do about that.

My question is, what should I do to be less worried about starting college again? I'm never comfortable being in public (haven't since I moved to Arizona 12 years ago, the worst decision my parents ever made) and it's going to be so hard for me to get out and enjoy college with the body and face I was cursed with. Any suggestions?


You need to stop telling yourself that your ugly for starters. Stop thinking about what other people are thinking about you, their opinions don't mean a damn thing. Worrying about other's opinions is just going to destroy your self esteem and confidence. You'll need that confidence to push yourself outside of your comfort zone and get comfortable with your body. The mind can be one hell of a thing, you'd be suprised in how much it can hold you back in life.

For instance, I'm a terrible runner. Always have been. I'm a skinny guy, but I always thought that pain you feel in your side when you run is the worst pain in the world. When I went through basic combat training for the army my very first run time was 25 minutes for a 2 mile run, I needed to run in 16 minutes to pass. Well 7 weeks go by of training, at this point I was able to knock off pushups and situps like crazy, but I was running my 2 miles in 18 minutes, still not passing and the next day was our PT test. Well next day comes by, during the PT test I kept telling myself that I can't fail this test, if I do then it will be another 2-3 months before I see my family. Ended up scoring a 15:45 on that test, passed.

So what's the point of my boring story? Well that day I realized that it was all in my head. I was physically capable of running, but I kept telling myself that I couldn't. It's the same with your situation. If you keep telling yourself that your ugly, then you'll believe it. But, if you tell yourself that your pretty, and truly believe it. Then I guarentee you'll see something else in that mirror. Now, I'm not saying that believing in yourself is going to make you pretty, but it is a start.
 

Kura

twitter.com/puccarts
10,994
Posts
19
Years
Agreeing with Kyrul here. Also, sadly we live in a society that automatically puts pressure onto those who aren't stick insects and it's terrible- but you have to say to yourself that well... why would you want to let a comparison get in the way of you living your life? And attractiveness is very much personal opinion.
I say stop with the comparing and focus on you. Focus on living your life and focus on the fun and good times. I don't believe anyone was "made ugly" because once you hit a certain age, you realize that beauty isn't in the way someone looks, but in their heart and their intentions and how they carry themselves. And there is a lot that molds you into the way you are today (even posture will make a difference in your appearance!) Yeah I know that sounds a bit tacky, but I've also been through self esteem issues (I also used to be overweight, have skin conditions, was mocked when I was younger, and I'm even now mocked because I'm only 4'10".. and that I REALLY can't change about myself.) but why should I let that affect the way I want to live? I think you need to change your outlook, but I understand your frustration of wanting to be sexy or beautiful. Try and tone the comparing down, and even throw some of the jealousy aside, and focus on you and what IS good about you (heck I can already say you are humble and present yourself through words very well, already, and I am sure there is more good about you too) and if there are things you dislike, then you should experiment with them! (Try a different style or things with your hair or do your nails, etc.) Find little things that make you feel pretty, and DON'T say "oh well ___ has better ___ than me so what's the point in putting in the effort?" YOU are the point. So yes, put in the effort to feel good about yourself. Knock down those mental boundaries.

Anyways, I recommend you might see if your college offers an on-site therapist to help you with social anxiety. If you're worried about your weight, then take steps to either be accepting of it, or change it.

As Kyrul says, it's mostly in the mind. And heck, I am sure your boyfriend and family think you are a beautiful girl, no doubt. And honestly, if someone else were in your position on how you feel.. what would you tell them?

It's difficult to try and build confidence but try and do so through YOURSELF and your accomplishments and feeling good about YOU rather than trying to build confidence through other peoples' positive comments, because you will end up holding those comments to more regard than they are actually worth.

Good luck and feel free to write in here again if you are still troubled.
 

Renpuu

Gengar !
343
Posts
16
Years
I agree with the above posts (Kura and Kyrul) that thinking too much on negativity will only bring you down. If you have good friends, family and a boyfriend then you must be doing something right to keep them around in your life. You can chose what attitude and what you want to do with your life but you can't chose what skin colour and height you may end up being. I was blessed with having a tall farther so I naturally inherited his height.
Being "short" or being "fat" is considered a bad thing, but I don't feel there is anything wrong with being short because you're born tall or short and that's just the way it is.
If a girl has a bit of meat to her then that's nice, but I don't feel being obese is good for anyone it just puts more strain on your joints and organs X_X !
You can chose to lose weight and exercise and if you're working on that then stick to it ! I wish you luck loosing the weight !
I eat like a horse and I am blessed to not put on much weight but I used to struggle to gain weight, so I can see how it can be a struggle to lose weight !
Also being short does have it's advantages...we proved if Kura was taken hostage she would make a very poor meat-shield for her assailant if he was my height, meaning he could easily be shot and she would survive !
 

Broken_Arrow

Paper Plane
1,209
Posts
12
Years
There is no ugly girl.. beauty is a matter of opinion..you might see yourself ugly but others can see you beautiful....don't be afraid just be yourself and love the way you look cuz it's you...i think you're a brave girl tbh ;3

I understand how you feel when it comes to being uncomfortable in public cuz i went through the same..but there is nothing to make you worry about just breath and inside your head keep saying everything is okay because it is....Love yourself,gurl..don't be too harsh on you!

if you want to lose weight go for it care less about people more about yourself!! i hope you feel better though ^.^
 
2,138
Posts
11
Years
Can I get some advice about colleges?

I live in Arkansas, and from what I've gathered, there are generally two types of colleges around here: expensive, 20k colleges and party colleges. I actually really, really want to go to Lyon, but $20k is way out of my range; if I want to go to college, I have to pay for it with financial aid, because I am flat out broke. I have a 29 on my ACT, which should pay off most lower universities, but I'm wondering if any of you know personally which colleges in the area have a generally hard working populace, but won't beat you with a rule book if you occasionally go to a party or something.

Another thing I really want to know about is, if all else should fail, what about colleges in Canada? I don't have family up there anymore, but all my uncles who lived there really enjoyed it, and I've heard tuition is much cheaper. What I don't know is, do ACTs transfer across national boundaries, or would I have to take the SAT? If the latter, would it be worth it?

Sorry I'm so long winded. U wU I'm just frazzing out about it.

Don't worry. In the US, accredited schools (don't go anywhere unaccredited) will accept either ACT and/or SAT scores when factoring in both your acceptance and financial aid offers.

A 29 is great!!! That is in the 93 percentile!!! You should be very proud. I scored a 28, accredited universities offered anywhere from 25-100% off, and I went to a more local state university to lower costs of living/housing and essentially receive free tuition/housing; as long as it was a state university, I was fine. Like you, I didn't have any finances, and I didn't want to accrue any debts with heavy student loans.

Depending upon your GPA, intended major, and high school courses, you may receive full-funding, if not substantial funding, like 75%. A smaller loan at a good university is worth more than free school at a community college as far as investments go.

What was your GPA and Highschool course load like?
So far, you seemed to be in great shape for financial aid offers.

So I just wrote this paragraph for my amazing girlfriend and I have never wrote anything like tbis before and woukd just like some feedback on it ^_^"

"Hey baby boo <3

When I met you, I never thought that we would ever be together, I instantly thought "that girl is too perfect for me*. You're funny, beautiful, incredible and too perfect to put into words. I don't know how I got you, maybe luck, I don't know. But what I do know is that I am happy that I am with you, and nobody else. My heart skips a beat when I think of you, and I get butterflies when I talk to you. And when I heard you singing...I melted inside. Your voice is angellic. You are angellic. Like a gift from heaven. When I talk to you, I can't help but smile, and when we're not talking, I can't help but think of you. I long for the day when we can actually be together, cuddling and kissing and doing cute stuff together. I don't know what I would do without you in my life. I love you more than words could ever explain. My heart beats for you, and only you. No other girls catch my eye any more because I already have perfection in my life. My mind goes all coo-coo when you tell how i'm perfect, when I know i'm not. But I still love it when you say i'm perfect. You're my girlfriend, and also the bestest friend I could ever ask for. I love you Grace, more than anyone or anything in the world. <3<3<3<3 :* "

Take this advice with a grain of salt. It might seem cold and heartless, but I am only telling you this from experience as well as reflection upon those experiences.

Long-distance online relationships are setup to fail. Beyond the importance of "is that what this person really looks like" of which popular media and shows like Catfish seem to emphasize most, there exists more troubling issues about who the person is aside from their physical appearance, which can be verified fairly simple with skype.

The issues are, people, including ourselves, want to present the best self they can. They often don't act as they would normally. Additionally, things that can be typed in a text or spoken into a phone may not reflect how we would express ourselves otherwise, in person. Let me tell you, the idea of the person is what we fall in love with, not the actual person. Words like, "I love you" are thrown around much easier and quicker in the online arena given how easy they are to type as oppose to utter in person. This can be dangerous to someone's self-esteem and emotions if the emotions are not legitimate once in-person. Just like we see more opinionated, confident, hateful, among other emotive speech online than we do in real life, simply because there exists that security of anonymity. It's almost like playing Sims online, we may be ourselves to a certain extent, but we cannot pick up on certain body languages or get a clear idea of who this person and how they react with others besides ourselves, we love the idea of the relationship, but it hasn't faced actual trials that couples face in real life. Lastly, it's the false information, that transcends physical appearance, that may be very troublesome. For instance, how do you this person is attending this or that college, has this or that job, is single, does or doesn't have kids, ect.? I would say, either meet this person and decide how you feel then so you can move on with your life whether it be strengthening that relationship or moving on with your life. I would just hold off on the emotional investment until then.

With all of that said, you are only 17! Be careful with any decisions you make.
 
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Sydian

fake your death.
33,379
Posts
16
Years
Ew, mushy lovey advice.

Anyway, ugh I hate that I'm actually using this thread for something like this, but I'm really at a loss here and I'd like more a general answer than the ones I've gotten from specific people that I know really well.

1. Is it considered weird to talk to someone for the first time over Facebook, or should I keep pushing for face to face conversation? Like, actually carry a conversation. The "Hi, I'm so-and-so" I've had with them doesn't count as talking. I have social anxiety so talking to people isn't my forte, especially when I'm the one that is gonna have to take the first step here.

2. This is mainly aimed at guys, but girls can answer too really. Do you think it's weird when girls take initiative in talking to someone and making the moves? Does it come off as creepy or trying too hard or something? I've just generally noticed that guys tend to think that when girls try to get close to a guy, they're crazy or weird or psycho, but if a guy does it, it seems to be totally fine and cute. idk. I'm at a loss here. lol

I really can't believe I'm using this thread for this omg. v_v Good thing no one I know irl goes here.
 
5,983
Posts
15
Years
2: NOOOOOOOOOO! I think it's sweet when the girl makes the first move, but that spoils me. Also, I think it's creepy for me to do anything so ehh I guess
but if a guy does it, it seems to be totally fine and cute
means I should be making moves? Hmmm.
 
14,092
Posts
14
Years
Ew, mushy lovey advice.

Anyway, ugh I hate that I'm actually using this thread for something like this, but I'm really at a loss here and I'd like more a general answer than the ones I've gotten from specific people that I know really well.

1. Is it considered weird to talk to someone for the first time over Facebook, or should I keep pushing for face to face conversation? Like, actually carry a conversation. The "Hi, I'm so-and-so" I've had with them doesn't count as talking. I have social anxiety so talking to people isn't my forte, especially when I'm the one that is gonna have to take the first step here.

2. This is mainly aimed at guys, but girls can answer too really. Do you think it's weird when girls take initiative in talking to someone and making the moves? Does it come off as creepy or trying too hard or something? I've just generally noticed that guys tend to think that when girls try to get close to a guy, they're crazy or weird or psycho, but if a guy does it, it seems to be totally fine and cute. idk. I'm at a loss here. lol

1. You could do both, but I really think it would be beneficial for you to focus on some face-to-face conversations and interactions.

2. I personally don't think it's weird, half the time I wish the girls would initiate things. And I only think it comes across as trying too hard or creepy if you were to really force the issue. Be subtle at first, and gradually ease into a higher level of interaction. Nice and slow.
 

Sweets Witch

I just love ham jerky.
1,388
Posts
11
Years
Ew, mushy lovey advice.

Anyway, ugh I hate that I'm actually using this thread for something like this, but I'm really at a loss here and I'd like more a general answer than the ones I've gotten from specific people that I know really well.

1. Is it considered weird to talk to someone for the first time over Facebook, or should I keep pushing for face to face conversation? Like, actually carry a conversation. The "Hi, I'm so-and-so" I've had with them doesn't count as talking. I have social anxiety so talking to people isn't my forte, especially when I'm the one that is gonna have to take the first step here.

2. This is mainly aimed at guys, but girls can answer too really. Do you think it's weird when girls take initiative in talking to someone and making the moves? Does it come off as creepy or trying too hard or something? I've just generally noticed that guys tend to think that when girls try to get close to a guy, they're crazy or weird or psycho, but if a guy does it, it seems to be totally fine and cute. idk. I'm at a loss here. lol

I really can't believe I'm using this thread for this omg. v_v Good thing no one I know irl goes here.

1: Personally, I'd recommend Facebook first since you could use it to segue into real-life interactions. Sooner or later you'll end up doing both, but it'd be much easier to get the ball rolling on Facebook. You're not a stranger to this person since you've gotten your introduction out of the way so you won't be working from scratch. It'll be a cinch.

2: Nah, it's not weird or creepy unless the actions themselves are weird or creepy. Initiating conversations and arranging get-togethers are good beginnings, but nailing confessions to his front door or burning your name in his yard might be a little too...Well, just don't do that.
 

Captain Gizmo

Monkey King
4,843
Posts
11
Years
Ew, mushy lovey advice.

Anyway, ugh I hate that I'm actually using this thread for something like this, but I'm really at a loss here and I'd like more a general answer than the ones I've gotten from specific people that I know really well.

1. Is it considered weird to talk to someone for the first time over Facebook, or should I keep pushing for face to face conversation? Like, actually carry a conversation. The "Hi, I'm so-and-so" I've had with them doesn't count as talking. I have social anxiety so talking to people isn't my forte, especially when I'm the one that is gonna have to take the first step here.

2. This is mainly aimed at guys, but girls can answer too really. Do you think it's weird when girls take initiative in talking to someone and making the moves? Does it come off as creepy or trying too hard or something? I've just generally noticed that guys tend to think that when girls try to get close to a guy, they're crazy or weird or psycho, but if a guy does it, it seems to be totally fine and cute. idk. I'm at a loss here. lol

I really can't believe I'm using this thread for this omg. v_v Good thing no one I know irl goes here.



1. You can do whichever makes you the most comfortable. Me and my girlfriend actually started talking via Facebook because of a post her cousin posted (I'm friends with him on Facebook). She then added me and then we talked for a couple of months and then we finally got to see each other in real life and now It'll be 4 years, this December that I've been with her.
So if talking by Facebook makes you feel better, do it by Facebook first and then when both of you are really comfortable with each other you can start seeing each other face to face more often. Because when you see someone face to face right away, either he's rushing things too fast or he's just a creeper. Just take things slow and see how things turn out.

2. Actually no, sometimes the guy is too shy or too afraid of the answers he might get from speaking to a girl first. My girlfriend is actually the first one to talk to me, so yea.
When you start talking to a guy, don't think of it as being creepy or trying too hard, just think of it as just trying to know him better since he sparks an interest in you.
As for saying that guys thinking that girls are psycho, weird or crazy for talking first, that's not really true. Guys likes it when girls talk first, they'll find it really nice and if the guy as a crush on you, he'll know that you trying to talk first really means you're interested in him or something like that.


_______________________________________________________________________________________________

Edit: Wow, I didn't realize Syd's post was from two weeks ago... oh well. Hopefully she reads this and she get some advice from it.
 

Danny0317

Fluorite's back, brah
1,067
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  • Age 24
  • Seen Nov 19, 2023
Alright I'm having some family problems. My mom is very religious, and so is everyone else in my family. Except for me. I don't believe in god. I'm too scared to tell her cuz knowing her she will probably break my iPad and ground me for a really really long time. I'm only 13, she makes me go to church (and has every right to make me) but she also makes we waste some time out of my life going to some church retreats and has grounded me for defying the church or something like that) and I want the guts to tell her, just not getting my stuff confiscated/broken and punished... I don't know why she can't just understand... So anyone know a good way to just tell her. I don't mind not getting any Christmas presents because tbh I wouldn't deserve them. Should I just keep it in or tell her? And if I do tell her should it be before or after Christmas to kinda not ruin it for her?
 

Kyrul

Long Live The Note
841
Posts
12
Years
Alright I'm having some family problems. My mom is very religious, and so is everyone else in my family. Except for me. I don't believe in god. I'm too scared to tell her cuz knowing her she will probably break my iPad and ground me for a really really long time. I'm only 13, she makes me go to church (and has every right to make me) but she also makes we waste some time out of my life going to some church retreats and has grounded me for defying the church or something like that) and I want the guts to tell her, just not getting my stuff confiscated/broken and punished... I don't know why she can't just understand... So anyone know a good way to just tell her. I don't mind not getting any Christmas presents because tbh I wouldn't deserve them. Should I just keep it in or tell her? And if I do tell her should it be before or after Christmas to kinda not ruin it for her?

I was in the same situation when I was younger. Catholic schools, all that crap. **** sucks man, there's not a easy way out of it. Honestly the best way to tell her is to just tell her, be polite and all but be stern enough to show that your serious. She won't take it well and I don't see anyway of getting around your stuff being confiscated. She'll try to reason with you about why you should be religious but don't give into it. You have a decision, either tell her, which is the best way to go but will lead to some unfair consequences, or wait till your 18 when she doesn't have a say in the matter anymore, then just live life how you want to. Either way it's a lose-lose situation unfortunately, but the second choice is the way you want to go if you don't want your stuff taken away. When you decide, stick with your opinion, don't let her tell you otherwise. Over time, she will forgive it, but it's definitely going to take time. Just don't handle it the way that I did. I just acted like a complete smart ass to our teachers, sleeping in class, cussing out everyone I saw, practically living in the Deacon's office. All that leads to is endless boring lectures and free crucifixes, making the situation worse.
 
4,181
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10
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Yeah I agree with Kyrul, though personally I didn't really have an issue with christianity until not too long ago, I just got fed up with going to church because it was just so boring. Eventually my mom gave up trying to force me to go to that god damned place (irony is strong with this one).
 

Danny0317

Fluorite's back, brah
1,067
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  • Age 24
  • Seen Nov 19, 2023
I was in the same situation when I was younger. Catholic schools, all that crap. **** sucks man, there's not a easy way out of it. Honestly the best way to tell her is to just tell her, be polite and all but be stern enough to show that your serious. She won't take it well and I don't see anyway of getting around your stuff being confiscated. She'll try to reason with you about why you should be religious but don't give into it. You have a decision, either tell her, which is the best way to go but will lead to some unfair consequences, or wait till your 18 when she doesn't have a say in the matter anymore, then just live life how you want to. Either way it's a lose-lose situation unfortunately, but the second choice is the way you want to go if you don't want your stuff taken away. When you decide, stick with your opinion, don't let her tell you otherwise. Over time, she will forgive it, but it's definitely going to take time. Just don't handle it the way that I did. I just acted like a complete smart ass to our teachers, sleeping in class, cussing out everyone I saw, practically living in the Deacon's office. All that leads to is endless boring lectures and free crucifixes, making the situation worse.

Good thing I'm not in a Catholic School. I'm thinking about telling her soon, though. Like you said, no easy way around it so might as well get it over with.
 
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Good thing I'm not in a Catholic School. I'm thinking about telling her soon, though. Like you said, no easy way around it so might as well get it over with.

Be very careful about this. I'd think about a few things first. I've written a list of questions for you to consider. You don't need to answer them, since it's your decision to make. No one else can do it for you. However, if you do answer the questions , it might be easier to offer more specific advice.

1a) How do you fear your mother will react?
1b) Is there any sort of precedent that she has set that leads to you feeling this way?
1c) Realistically, how likely is she to react in the way you fear?

2a) For how long does she usually ground you?
2b) For what reasons? Be specific with yourself. For example, when you stated she grounded you for "defying the church," you must ask the natural follow-up question to that, which is, "In what way?"

3) Are you prepared to explain why you reached your decision? If your answer is no, do not bother approaching your mother about this.

4) Is your mom tolerant of other beliefs? It can somewhat be inferred "no" due to the grounding for "defying the church," but since you weren't exactly specific...
 

Sydian

fake your death.
33,379
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Years
My sister was in a similar situation. When she was 14, she identified with the Deist (did I spell that right?) religion rather than Christianity, though I advised her not to tell my mom till she was older. She didn't wait too much longer, lol. She ended up telling my mom when she was 15. My mom didn't react too strongly to it, but she was still kind of thinking "oh it's some teenage phase, whatever." And she'd ask my sister where she thought our relatives that have passed ended up going.

I don't know your mom, though. She sounds like she has pretty strong reactions though, and while it sounds like you're willing to take them, I still feel that you should wait a while before you decide to tell her that. I wouldn't go as far as to wait until 18 to do so, but maybe do what my sister did and wait til around 15. I know you're ready to take whatever punishment may come your way, and that's bold. I commend you for it. But I'm just afraid it will mess things up with your relationship with your mom if you do it now. idk. Then again, maybe better to go ahead and get it over with.

If you are truly prepared to take what may happen to you, then I think you should go ahead and tell her. If you're not ready for it and you don't want a possible restrained relationship with your mom (remember, you're still gonna be living with her for quite some time! unless you can make other arrangements, lol) then I'd wait. It really depends on what you're ready to deal with.
 

Danny0317

Fluorite's back, brah
1,067
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10
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  • Age 24
  • Seen Nov 19, 2023
I already did it. It actually went much better than I thought, even though now I'm grounded and still have to go to church. She started crying after I told her but she gets it. I also told her it was kinda stupid and that she was wasting money sending me to church retreats (that cost around $200) because they weren't going to affect me at all. She also said I needed a "liberation" or something like that in the church. I think it was worth it though, and if I could go back in time I would still do it.
 

Kura

twitter.com/puccarts
10,994
Posts
19
Years
I already did it. It actually went much better than I thought, even though now I'm grounded and still have to go to church. She started crying after I told her but she gets it. I also told her it was kinda stupid and that she was wasting money sending me to church retreats (that cost around $200) because they weren't going to affect me at all. She also said I needed a "liberation" or something like that in the church. I think it was worth it though, and if I could go back in time I would still do it.
I wouldn't say retreats don't affect you.. you learn some valuable skills, meet some great people, and can accomplish things by going to them, including learning more about yourself and more self reflection.
Glad it went great but I wouldnt be so quick to write everything off- you can still benefit from even the church as it can provide a community that will be there and I think church bake-sales (to raise money for the needy) are a fantastic way to learn new things and be involved in helping others. The church doesn't always have to be solely about God. ;3
Good luck!
 

Sydian

fake your death.
33,379
Posts
16
Years
I'm glad you're happy with your decision! Gonna kinda echo Kura here and remind you that church doesn't have to be all bad. I still believe in God, but I was never a fan of church myself. I only went to hang out with my best friend, who like me, believed in God, but hated going to church. So you may end up with other people in situations like you, or may not. But if you have friends in your youth group (I assume you're old enough to be in that group) then it'll be much more tolerable. :)
 
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