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[Pokémon] To the Nature of the Past

21
Posts
6
Years
  • Age 28
  • Seen Oct 8, 2023
Hello guys!

I am a writer who simply had not written stories for a long time, Pokemon or not Pokemon-related alike, due to commitments and also lack of interest. Despite so, a friend of mine has urged me to revisit those creative desires, so here I am, trying to write something decent to satisfy the taste of the community here.

I may not update as fast as others, but I am confident that a new chapter will be ready in every few weeks at worst. I hope you guys enjoy this story!

Spoiler:
 

Ice1

[img]http://www.serebii.net/pokedex-xy/icon/712.pn
3,447
Posts
9
Years
  • Seen Nov 23, 2023
You set up a really cool premise and a really cool version of the pokémon world. A piece of writing advice often echoed is to not preload the story with world, and I think that would be apt here. An interesting world is not as strong a pull as an interesting characters, in most cases. The coolest way to experience a world is to experience it and have it told. So to just jump in with the character and put us right there with them often creates a more vivid experience. That way the world can slowly unravel and the danger feels more imminent.

It also makes a setting more memorable, because we can imagine the scene. The more we get to experience with characters, the more we into the narrative we get. A technique often used to really get a reader into a story is to put the POV as close as possible. This is why YA novels use first person. It makes everything a scene rather than an overview and gives us thoughts and a perspective to attach to. We're living with a character, not trying to connect to dates. It doesn't have to be first person. A third person limited POV often accomplishes the same goal.

Show don't tell is another piece of advice often given. And it doesn't hold true universally, but it's something to keep in mind, generally. It's the difference between "the man who lost was angry," and showing us the man losing, his fist clenching, his teeth grinding as we feel his anger. It creates identification. Because the word anger just conveys the concept, not the emotion.

I think Dr. Hierro has quite a cool motivation and backstory. A man who lost everything, willing to give everything to fix it. That's really fucking cool. Through show don't tell, you can really put a reader in his head and make his motivations not just clear, but also have the reader cheer them on, because they feel his pain.

The balance for that is always a bit hard to find. You don't need to expand everything into a scene, as often people just remember or categorize.

To close off, I wanna discuss grammar a bit. First point is simple. I think you use on in sentences where you shouldn't. I'm not going to pinpoint them all, but tools like Grammarly can be super helpful for that. Secondly, dialogue grammar. It's a nightmare topic that plagues editors, but just being aware of it can help a lot.
We often don't display sound as dialogue, except in comedy. "Bork," said the dog feels awkward because of that, and people resort to "the dog barked," instead. The real difficult part comes at the commas, quotation marks and interpunction.
" "Goodbye, world." He said as he took one step, then another, and another." should read as " "Goodbye, world ," he said as he took one step, then another and another. " Dialogue is embedded into a sentence and when it is connected with said, or any other dialogue tag (laughed, screamed, yelled, whispered), it is connected through a comma and no new letters receive capitalization. This still holds true when the sentence ends in a question mark or exclamation point.
 
21
Posts
6
Years
  • Age 28
  • Seen Oct 8, 2023
Thank you for your feedback!

I admit I may have overdone the world description; to be honest I was somewhat afraid people would be wondering what the world is like without any detailed explanation. But narrating it from the protagonist's point of view also makes sense, it just missed me when I was writing it.

I most probably will show 'show' more than 'tell' in the next chapters. Usually I write the first chapter of fics this way to make the readers get a feel of what the world is like, but your points also carry weight and I'll try my best to include those aspects in the future.

I'll have to sheepishly admit that prepositions is not my strongest suit when it comes to English language. I'll consider using a tool for grammar checking someday. As for dialogue language I'm honestly quite confused on which format to use, so thank you for the explanation on that matter!
 
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