Dear Anonymous,
Things were never right between us after you-know-who. I knew after that you were not the person I wanted to spend my life with. I am sorry. I sincerely wish you well.
I should have left in August but the way you cried and begged, and said that you couldn't take it, made me relent. But I was not happy. I shut my eyes and went through the motions, but I could not regain the trust I had.
I don't think you ever apologized to me. You kept saying that it was all their fault. Yes, this was a very bad person, but you are still an adult and made your own choice. You often do this--refuse to take responsibility if you are wrong. That is not a mature man.
I asked you to do some things to change, but each one was half-hearted. I asked for time alone, but you were ringing my phone not two days later. I asked you to get help, but sending one email inquiry to a counselor online is not enough. You acknowledge that you still have a lot of problems, so why won't you keep going to treatment? I feel that your goal was to race back to me as fast as possible, and they were things to check off your list.
You don't really want help. You just want me to take care of you. This was not what I signed up for. You are also not honest with me, pretending their is no therapist in town you can get a meeting with. I just don't believe this.
I can't help you work out all of your paranoia and problems. I can't help you get dressed. I can't be there at your every beckon call.
I was honestly feeling exhausted before the whole thing happened back in August. I loved you, but I was also drained by you. You are controlling. I had no time to do the things that I enjoyed because all of my time and energy was sucked up by you, I fell out of touch with friends, stopped writing creatively, you would call and want to talk for hours when I told you I was working or it was really late and I needed sleep
Half of the time I was scared to voice my opinion because it was different from yours, and you are not always respectful to others when that is the case.
If I said I didn't want to do something you would not take no for an answer. I had to do what you liked, though I never made you do the things that I happened to like. I had to do it AND like it. I was not allowed to offer criticism, not really, though you had no problem heaping it onto me. You would read it as a slight if I spent time with someone else that day instead of you. I had to know your friends, I had to drop what I was doing and look at every video you edited, answer every email. And I was frankly getting tired. Meanwhile you would barely look at one photo I took to show you.
Also it took that whole thing with you-know-who to make me fully aware of some of the hurtful things you have said and done, always not meaning it, but now I can't unsee it.
You say things like I.e You really attractive. I mean all things considered. Niw if you were pale and brunette now then I wouldn't be able to keep my arms of you!
I.e Your hair, it always looks so scrunchy. Yeah, that's it! Like ramen noodles.
I.e Yeah, you were wearing that weird dress.
I.e When I found out your heritage I really had to think about whether I wanted to date you or not.
I have come to feel that our relationship was demeaning, though I am sure you will not see it that way, and talk about how much you love me. Yet I often end up feeling inferior. All I have to do is wait long enough and another condescending remark will come.
I stayed when you broke down like that and begged, but I resented it. You were twisting my arm to stay by implying something would happen to you if I left. I know that breaking up is hard and painful, but when someone tells you no you should respect that. I have been through breakups before, I have experienced unrequited love even, but I never tried to force myself on anyone. You can't make someone love you.
I relutantly agreed to see if I could salvage something with you, but hated that I did so. I was glad when you wanted intimacy that it was over fast. My head was constantly telling me a different thing, but I just endured out of feeling sorry for you.
I felt imprisoned. Every little thing you did annoyed me, and I was more aware of your constant watching me. If I even thumbed up sombody's comment and you didn't agree with it you would question me about it.
What really started driving me away is seeing your conduct around other people. While you took a nicer tone around me, I was sick of hearing how you talked about others, i.e I'm going to see Stupid today.
You constantly appeared to be at war with everyone, manufacturing drama, and put down anyone who had a different opinion with you. I was seeing a side of you that was unkind, and frankly I was ashamed that this was my boyfriend.
I started backing away from you with the advice of friends family, and a family doctor I consulted. Nobody felt that our relationship was healthy, and they were concerned for me.
The way you hit the roof at this news only confirmed the worst of my fears. That was the point of no return. At this point we couldn't even be just friends.
I am gone now. I feel pity and guilt, but I cannot come back. I have sent back your pakages/letters unopened, not because I want to hurt your feelings but because I don't want to do anythig that could be misinterpreted as a reconciliation.
You don't want to let me go so I don't feel that I can ever let my gaurd down again. I hope that time will heal all of your wounds, and that you can accept my decision and find happiness with someone else. Goodbye.
-Sam
