Oh god I'm nervous. I run into the professors lab.
The only reason I'm getting a Pokemon is that my doctor thinks I got depression (Well, you do need to lie to get what you want if your me, so I faked it!) I mean, I have been harassed by three younger brothers for years and also my mum and dad only ever pay attention to my brothers. To that I say they're crazy. I want to show them I'm as good as any boy at Pokemon training so I've been studying mega evolution since I was five.
Here's my basic description. I have a black jumper on with a dark pink top and dark purple shorts on. My hair is long, fluffy, and also a blonde- brown color, and if you put my hair at an angle, it looks really red. I also have green eyes wich look almost silver.
I was told I had an older sister and I was two when she was taken by a ho-oh. I want to try and find her as well.
"Hey professor Elm! Who else... Oh. Light." I say. He is one of the boys I know from the trainers school (and also a few years ago, I was riding my bike and I ran into him) and one of New Bark towns kids who think they're cool like Gold who was here, 8-9 years ago. Right now both me and light are 17. "You two pick from these three Pokemon: kittide, puppyre and bunneaf." The professor saids. Puppyre looks like a little dog with a fluffy orange-red collar with fluffy fur as well. It has also got a little yellow spike on its forehead. Kittide is a little blue fox with blue scales instead of fur and a spiky fin running down its back and circling around a bubble of water making its tail.
I feel a connection with kittide for some reason... Like she is already an Ocesunedra, her final stage of evolution...
"I nearly forgot! here's your pokedex" the professor saids. He hands us a flat looking device with a screen, and it looked like a iPhone s6 pretty much. A pokedex. "I call dibs on puppyre!" Saids Light. "Ok idiot I'm going with kittide." I say. I pick up the pokeball.
"Im going to make sure you mega evolve." I whisper into its pokeball.
All around are bushes, trees and bird Pokemon like tailow sing beautifully.
"I caught a sneasel." I say. "Thanks kittide for helping me catch her. Now you get a lot of rest." I return kittide to her pokeball. So far I have caught a hoothoot and just then a sneasel. "You done!? We do need to be at cherry...." I stop when I reach Lights Side. "You bloomin' kidding me." I whisper.
A wild scolopide.
"Watch out!" Light saids as a pin missile nearly hits us. "You fine?" I ask. "Yep." Replies Light. The scolipide charges up a hyper beam, but before it is released, a hydro cannon attack hits it.
"What are you kids doing here!?" Saids a boy with long red hair, a black and red jacket, black shoes, long navy blue pants and shifty silver eyes.
"Thanks for the save. And we just got pokedexes from professor Elm. You don't happen to have a pokedex ether, sine your Pokemon that attacked was firaligatr, and we need to meet the other jhoto Dex holders in Cherrygrove city." I say.
The boy looks impressed. "Yes. I have a pokedex. Me and my friends, Crystal and Gold are supposed to meet up with two pokedex holders, light and dark. And how did you know that that was firaligatr attacking?" The boy asks. I smile.
"A: only a water type starter can learn the move hydro cannon, it has to be on its final stage of evolution, the only other water type starter from jhoto is firaligatr, that couldn't have been Ocesunedra as I picked kittide and B: I could see it." I say. The boy raises an eyebrow.
Then we hear someone yell, "Who are those kids Silver!?"
And a boy and a girl run up to the boy sanding in front on me's side. "These are the pokedex holders professor elm told us about. Light and Dark." The boy saids. "Nice to... Meet you I'm... Cris." The girl pants. "I'm Silver." The boy with the red hair saids. "And I'm Gold." Saids the boy who just ran up to us.
Hi there, DarkSilBlu! Nice to see you posting on PokéCommunity. There are many things I could comment on in your story, so I hope you will appreciate some feedback on the first post now!
For starters, is this a finished chapter? To me, it seems like it could benefit from being a bit longer. Perhaps end at least after the protagonist has met their pokémon or left the lab? This ends right in the middle of descriptions, which feels a bit strange :)
Secondly, the whole chapter is in one big paragraph. Spacing things out does wonders for making it easy to read!
You could also try to proof-read an extra time before you submit a story. Aside from a few minor spelling/grammatical mistakes, there are some places here and there where punctuation could be more cleverly used. Commas are your friends!
The fixed up story could look something like this:
Today I get my starter. Oh god, I'm nervous.
I run into the professor's lab. The only reason I'm getting a Pokemon is that my doctor thinks I suffer from depression. But I faked it! I mean, I have been harassed by three younger brothers for years. On top of that, my mum and dad only ever pay attention to my brothers. To that, I say they're crazy. I want to show them that I'm as good as any boy at Pokemon training, so I've been studying mega evolution since I was five.
Here's my basic description. I have a black jumper on with a dark pink top and dark purple shorts on. My hair is long, fluffy and of a blonde-brown color. If you look at my hair from an angle, it looks really red. I also have green eyes which look almost silver. I was told I had an older sister and I was two when she was taken by a ho-oh. I want to try and find her as well.
"Hey professor Elm! Who else... Oh. Light," I say.
He is one of the boys I know from the trainers school. I met him a few years ago, when I was riding my bike and ran into him. He is one of the New Bark town kids who think they're cool like Gold, who was here 8-9 years ago. Right now, both me and Light are seventeen.
"You two, pick from these three Pokemon: kittide, puppyre and bunneaf," the professor says.
Puppyre looks like a little dog with a fluffy orange-red collar and fluffy fur. It has also got a little yellow spike on its forehead. Kittide is a small blue fox with blue scales instead of fur, as well as a spiky fin running down its back, circling around a bubble of water to make up its tail.
Choosing would not be easy.
Hope you think some advice was useful! Good luck with the story.
ENBUN'D avatar by the amazing Flowerchild.
am mod of Meet & Greet.
"Cool now..." I get cut off by my poke gear ringing.
The poke gear goes off its head. I answer and I hold the poke gear away from my face. "Block your ears." Light says. "WHERE THE HECK HAVE YOU GONE DARK!? COME BACK HERE NOW OR......" I hang up.
I sigh. "That sounds like my dad." Says Silver. "Really?" I say. I sit down on a log. "My parents believe girls can't do anything. I want to prove them wrong. They don't care about me! And I don't even have any real friends ether!" I say. "Hey what about..." Light starts. "Well obviously your my friend." I cut in.
Cris, Gold and Silver look at each other. I get up off the log. "I'll only be an hour." I say. "Hey! Dark! We're coming with you!" Yells Gold. I knew they'd be no shaking them so I let them come.
Along the way I said I had a older sister who was taken by a ho-oh. "What's her name?" Asks Silver. "Blue." I say. Gold, who was drinking from his water bottle, gets surprised and spits it out. "Blue!?" Silver says. I nod slowly. "What?" I say. "We'll Tell you while we walk." Silver replies.
Here's the thing: Silver was captured by the mask of ice division when he was 2, and the mask of ice is the same people who took Blue. he met Blue who was taken by ho-oh from pallet town. Him and Blue were placed in the same team. At ages 8 and 11 Blue and Silver escaped from the mask of ice. "Well, here's new bark." Says Light.
NEW BARK TOWN
"Bzzzz." I ring our doorbell. "WHY.... Oh sorry. I'm Darks mum, Emma. Nice to meet you." My mum says as she answers the door. "I'm Silver, they're Cris and Gold. We need your daughter to help fill up the pokedex." Silver says. My mum freezes.
"Are you sure you don't want one of my sons instead?" My mum asks. I could tell Silver wished he could shout at my mum. "No, we need Dark." He answers. "Well, here's a deal. You have 6 weeks to train her and if she can beat her brothers, all three in a row, she can come with you to other regions. If not, she stays here with me at the house. Deal?" My mum bets. Silver nods his head. "Deal." He says.
"How many Pokemon do you have?" Asks Cris. "Three." I say. "Same." Says Light. "Well, first gyms in violet city so let's pick the pace up." Says Gold. He rushes ahead. "Why does he always have to rush off!?" Complains Cris.
I sigh. Sounds like Light.
I look around. Wait. I hear something. "You hear that?" I say. Everyone, even Gold stops. We all hear, "Help! Help!" I run toward the sound with everyone following behind me. We look over the top of some bushes. There's man in a grey uniform with a orange R on the cap and on the shirt. He's trying to take a lilipup from a girl.
"HEY YOU! DONT YOU DARE STEAL ANYTHING!" I shout. I bring out my newly caught sneasel. "Use thief!" I say. Sneasel snatches the lilipup out of the mans hands and returns it to the girl. "Let's make him run! Ice shard!" I shout. Sharp ice crystals fly through the air and nearly hit the man. He runs away.
The little girl comes up to me. "Thank you!" She saids. "Here! Keep these Eevee! I caught one male and one female so they'll be really strong!" The girl hands me two Eevee in pokeballs. "Thanks, but next time try to keep out of trouble." I say. I return sneasel to her pokeball.
"You do realise that could have been dangerous! That was team rocket!" Silver saids to me. "Who has ever cared about my safety anyway! My own mother doesn't even care if her own Pokemon hurt me!" I say, and I take my jacket off revealing a scar that goes diagonally from my elbow to my shoulder. Silver puts his hands on my shoulders. "I care. We all do! Your not alone Dark!" Silver says to me. Maybe... Maybe he is right....
Sorry about all of the mistakes! It's my first time on here so I'm still getting to grips with all of the rules, and also the fact I'm on my iPad, but luckily I did read all of the rules for the writing and fan fic section. My story isn't that long... And it probably isn't that great... But this website is awesome! I'm going to continue on with this for sure! And thanks for the tips! That really helped! (And it gave me a chance to put In more!)
"Dark, do you want to speak to Blue on Skype?" He asks. "Yes! I'd love to meet Blue! Sure it's not in person but I'll be able to see her and talk to her!" I say.
Then I realise, why did Silver, Cris and Gold come with me and Light?
"Wait, Silver. Why did you Cris and Gold come with me and Light?" I ask. He smiles.
"A well known Pokemon researcher, professor Oak, sent us to help you fill the updated pokedex, version 9.0." Silver answers.
As everyone stops for a break, Silver starts up the computer. "Here. How about you hide for a sec, I'll tell Blue that your here, then I'll turn the computer toward you? I hope that Blues going to like seeing you for the first time." Silver says to me. "Alright." I say.
Shortly after Silver calls Blue, Blue answers. "Hey! Silver! What's up?" She saids. "I have someone you might not remember but... Professor Elm called us up to meet some new pokedex holders in Cherrygrove city and turns out she was one of the two. Here's Dark." Silver says.
He turns the computer toward me.
I sort of freak out. "Ahh.... I, Blue... You see... I'm Dark. You remember? Uhh... What about..." I try to think of something to spark her memory. I pull a photo out of my pocket. It's old and a little wrecked but this is all I have. It's of me and blue before she was taken away.
I hold it up to the camera. "Do you remember this? Mum and dad took it while we where at the park." I say.
"Dark!? Your there!? Uhh... Silver... I can explain.... I didn't tell you because.... I already knew about team rocket and its leader. At the hospital, after Dark was born, team rocket attacked and tried to take Dark. I also saw Giovanni. And this was before we got captured. I figured if I didn't tell you about Dark, team rocket wouldn't find her. I'm sorry Silver." She says.
Blue sighs before stating, "I'm coming to jhoto to meet Dark. I'll be down in mahogany town soon." She hangs up. "Oh dear lord." I say. "Looks as if first off we're picking blue up from the airport." Says Silver. He looks a little stunned.
we're standing around at the airport.
Gyms challenged so far: 2
Badges won: 2. The zephyr badge and the hive badge.
Pokemon evolved: Eevee into Vaporeon, kittide into vixtsunami, and hoothoot into noctowl.
Pokemon caught: a lucario.
We see people get out of the plane blue is on. My heart in racing. I hold my keystone tight. That I do when I'm nervous. We finally see Blue.
"Hey! Blue! Over here!" Silver shouts. Blue comes running over. She hugs Silver before turning to me. "So... We finally get to meet in person." She says. "Oh yeah! And I got you something as well. I designed it, a boutique made it." She saids.
She hands me a package. I open it. Inside is a dress. It has a pattern of ocean waves down the bottom raging as if in a storm, a black inky night sky, and the stars and crescent moon as well. In the waves it said, BLUE, on the sky it said DARK, and on the moon it read SILVER.
"Wow Blue thanks! And I've barely known you for 5 minutes!" I say. "It's to remind you of who is your real family, that we're always connected and we're always here for you. Silver told me about how mum's been treating you. I want to have a looooong talk with her about how I was the 2nd runner up of the Pokemon league. Silver has also told me how you've grown sine I last saw you." Blue says.
"As soon as I saw you back in route 29, I thought you where Blue and that's the reason I saved you from that scolipide." Silver says.
"Well, after I get changed into this can we set off for the gym?" I ask.
Blue and Silver look a little worried.
"He won't be the gym leader any more." Blue saids. "I hope your right." Silver saids. "Oh yeah! And here are some grey gloves that came with the dress! I also heard you like mega evolution, so here's an EM wave sensor." She says.
I put the gloves on and turn on the sensor.
"Thanks Blue!" I say. I put my keystone up to the sensor. The graph goes up on the screen, saying that there are lots of EM waves getting admitted from the object. "Hey! I want a try!" Saids Blue, laughing.
I hand the sensor to her. She stumbles a bit and instead scans my arm.
"Wow there are loads of waves! Look at the..." I cut Blue off. "That's my arm..." I say.
Me and Blue look a each other. I scan Blues arm. Next to no EM waves. "Is this broken!?" I say, shaking the sensor up and down.
"No." Saids Blue. "That's why team rocket was looking for you. You can edmit EM waves." I freeze. "Are you bloomin' serious." I whisper. More reasons to avoid team rocket.
I come out of the girls change rooms with my new dress and gloves on. "How does it look?" I say. "That looks great!" Saids Cris.
"Your shoes are frayed. Those aren't going to hold together for long. Here." Silver saids, passing me a pair of boots. "These where mine a few years back. They should fit you."
It has an ice floor with a high ceiling and ice sculptures all around a battlefeild.
out of all of the statues, one got everyone's attention:
it was a sculpture which had 6 kids in it and an old man in a wheelchair. The man had his hand on a statue of Silver when he was like, 2 and Blue was next to him.
"What..." I start to say. "Pryce must have made this!" Silver saids angrily, banging his fist on the sculpture. I put my hand on the mini ice Silvers head. It was really cold. I take my hand off. I then turn around.
I feel as if something is pulling me toward it. I walk toward the strange feeling. Then I hear a "BANG!" I turn around.
Everyone is captured inside a metal cage.
"What happened!?" I say as I get to the cage. "Don't worry! Just go!" Silver says. "No! I won't!" I say. I start bashing into the cage.
"Dark! Go quick!" Insists Blue. "No!" I say. I bring out all my Pokemon. "Come on guys! We need to get them free!" I say. First me and my Eevee, Umbra bash into the cage, then all my other Pokemon join in.
All we make is a dent.
"Your not going to be able to break that." Saids a girl with long blonde hair. She looks like the girl... In the statue... And behind her are the other three in the statue... And a tall man with a mask made of ice on.
"You hurt any of my friends, people or Pokemon, and you'll be sorry!" I yell. "So saids the 17 year old who can't even get her Eevee to evolve into Umbreon." Saids the boy with the frilly collar on. "Hey frill-neck!? What do you have that's so special!?" I yell. He takes a pokeball from his pocket and brings out his Pokemon.The boy has an Umbreon. Oh.
"And look who's trapped in the cage. The fugitives." Saids the short-haired girl. Silver growls at them. Blue punches the iron bars. "Come on guys, let's finish them!" I shout.
All my Pokemon start charging with me toward the four people, all getting physical attack moves ready. "Really?" Saids the man with the mask on. "Now! Split!" I say.
me, vixtsunami and Umbra charge forward while everyone else encircles the masked people and unleashes their attacks.
Which are failed by a move everyone hates called protect.
"Not so strong without your friends are you!?" Saids the oldest short-haired boy. I sink to the ground. I feel a tear go down my cheek.
"Not to mention, Silver is the son of Giovanni, team rockets leader!" Saids the long haired girl. I look up. "What!?" I whisper. I turn to Silver. He looks as if he's going to lose it.
I get up. "No! I'm not believing what you say! Never!" I shout. "It's true." Silver says. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner."
I feel dizzy. How is this all possible? Silver Giovanni's son, Blue and Silver were in the mask of ice,
and then I'm pretty sure I faint
I wake up in the same cage as everyone else and my Pokemon.
"W-what.? What just..." Silver cuts me off. "You fainted." He saids.
I sit up. Silver takes his glove off and puts his hand on my forehead. His hand is cold. "You got a temperature." He saids. "Huh?" I say. I still feel a little dizzy.
Light tries to lure me into thinking this is a dream. I just grab his long blonde hair and put his face on the ice floor for a few seconds until Cris tells me to stop.
Blue sits down next to me. "Thanks for trying to stand up for us." She says. I smile. I'm not usualy real loud unless I see someone trying to hurt someone else or its Light who's annoying me.
After a few minutes, I could actually think. That's when I had an idea. "We melt the bars." I say. "With fire types." Me, Silver and Blue say at the same time.
Gold gets out his typholsion. "So, use blast burn?" Gold asks. "I recon maybe you should use flame charge. And HURRY!" I say.
"Explotaro, use flame charge!" Gold saids. In a flash, typholsion surrounded itself with fire and changing at the bars, It melts a hole.
"Everyone besides vixtsunami return." I say. All my Pokemon but vixtsunami return to their pokeballs.
"Cool down the bars using your ultimate move, Tidal Blast!" I say. A torrent of water surrounds vixtsunami and she blasts out a extremely powerful hydro pump like attack. It cools down the bars and everyone jumps through.
"Ok, now I see how challenging this gym was a bad idea." I say while we run. "You think!?" Says Silver. "Just hurry you two!" Blue says. She grabs Silvers hand and Silver grabs my hand. The three others are running just behind us.
Just then, Cris calls out, "Blue! Silver! Dark! Team rocket! And..." Cris pauses before saying, "Gio... Giovanni." Silver turns back with a shocked look on his face. He then turns away, probably trying to hide his face.
people jump in front and behind us. "Blue, Silver... What's going on!?" I say. Silver tries to smile. "It'll be fine. We can get out of this!" He saids.
Vixtsunami starts to glow, Then she evolves into Ocesunedra.
This Pokemon gathers color changing energy from the moon and stores it on the gem in its forehead. The 3 tails it has are joined by a flap of skin, allowing it to travel up to 800kph which allows great hunting and stealing techniques. The seaweed on its head and its paws along with its blue scales allow it to hide without color changing. The fact that this Pokemon gains power from the moon, and it's tails are like the crescent moon mean people have put this Pokemon in legends as the dark dragon-fox guardian of the sea and night.
"Tidal blast!" I shout. A torrent of water flows around Ocesunedra and she blasts a powerful beam of water toward the people surrounding us, all team rocket grunts.
I feel someone grab my arms and pull them together. The blonde girl. "Not so tough now, mega evolution master?" She saids meanly. She titters.
I couldn't use my arms (they where sort of tied up) I couldn't use my legs (otherwise I'd slip on the icy floor) so I tried to bite the girl holding me.
"Hey you little brat!" She yells at me. "HEY! DON'T YOU CALL HER A LITTLE BRAT!" Silver shouts at the blonde girl. He tries to get free of the two boys holding him. Mr. Frill-neck and the tall short hair one.
"We need you to lead us to more mega stones." Says the masked man. And there's an man next to him... Who looks kind of like Silver. "Dad..." Silver saids. I'm pretty sure I heard Gold swear.
Light grabs two pokeballs from his bag. No. I swear I feel... A presence I have only ever felt when... I saw photos of them all the way from the Quin region... Those Pokemon... They're... Xigutxin and zwodzwodxin! The two legendary Pokemon who control day and night! Light caught them!
Xigutxin is a black panther with a tail like a houndoom and three pearls wich float around it, representing the moon.
Zwodzwodxin is a white griffin with three orange gems floating around it, representing the sun.
Light nods his head toward my keystone then Ocesunedra. I know his plan. Oceaunedra runs out the door, knowing exactly what to do. And I know I'll have to sacrifice my keystone to save everyone.
"I'll lead you to a keystone right now! Just let all my friends go!" I say. "Ok then girl, show me where it is." The man without the mask saids. I see Silver try to break free of the two boys who are holding him. The man smiles meanly at all of us, looking at us like we are dirt.
We are outside and I am walking toward the force which I knew was Ocesunedra. Once I see two keystones, I knew that that was Ocesunedra making it look as if things where there, but it was just her colour changed.
"See what I mean!?" I say. The masked man comes up to try and take the "stones." Luckily, Ocesunedra was fast and changed back to her normal coulor and snapped at the masked mans hand.
He was lucky he didn't have it chopped off.
Oceaunedra jumps beside me.
"Darks more powerful than you think." Silver says quietly. The man without a mask grabs the collar of Silvers jacket. Silver seems like he wasn't expecting it. "You couldn't even remain conscious when I saved you back in the sevii islands. What makes you think she can beat me!?" The man saids.
"Hey! You don't do that to him! No one does!" I shout.
He puts Silver down. Silver sinks to the ground, putting his hand on his neck. He starts to laugh. Not a happy sort of funny laugh, a evil sort of laugh.
"Silver?" I say, walking up to him.
"No matter how much I run, it seems you still try to drag me down, right dad?" Silver whispers. "Silver this isn't you!" I say. Silver doesn't look up. All I see is his smile. Yet again not a happy smile.
I then look over at light. He nods his head. I take my keystone from around my neck. "Use wild charge!" I say as I throw the stone up.
Ocesunedra charges into the stone mid-air, shattering it into thousands of tiny rainbow pieces.
The stone I had since I was small... Gone.
I see silver look up, his face in a shocked expression and tear stained.
I close my eyes and focus on my breathing. I put my hands in front of me and focus the EM waves as it makes the mega evolution symbol just in front of my hands.
In a flash of light, Ocesunedra mega evolves.
She now has blood red eyes that look like crystals and instead of one gem, three deep blue gems on her forehead and one gem on each of her four tails. Her talons where now at least 15cm long and covered in seaweed. Wrapped around her legs was seaweed as well as on her back.
Blue breaks free and runs up next to me and her blastoice follows. Silver Walks up next to us as well. "We have to beat them." He saids. "Right." I say.
Silver brings out his Feraligatr.
Light steps up next to us, then Cris, then Gold. "Go mega!" Saids Cris. "Go torrosplosion!" Saids Gold. Light passes me a pokeball.
"Xigutxin." He saids. "I know." I say. Me and light bring out xigutxin and zwodzwodxin.
"Use hydro cannon!" Silver yells,
"use flame thrower!" Says Gold.
"Use frenzy plant!" Says Cris.
"Use hydro cannon!" Says Blue.
"Use light beam!" Says light.
"Use tidal blast and night blast!" I say.
All of our attacks hit team rocket and send them flying.
"I figured you would have guessed by now, apparently not." Saids the man without a mask. "What!?" Says Silver. "Dark, I want you back to the house. It is that team rocket isn't meant to have a female leader." A lady saids. My mum.
"What you saying mum!? And why are you here!? I don't need you anymore! I have my friends!" I say. "Well, I thought you would have already noted this. You where never seen by your real father, Giovanni." My mum says.
Giovanni's my real dad!? "That means... Blues only my half sister and Silvers..." I start. Silver finishes me off. "I'm your brother!" He saids. I clench my fists. "Giovanni... He's...he's my.... Father!?" I say. "No! I'm not your daughter Giovanni! Your just trying to get Silver and mega evolution! No way am I ever believing you!" I shout.
"Check the files from the library in nacrane city in Unova!" Saids Giovanni. He tosses some files over to us. Silver picks them up.
"These are the real files. Not fakes. We only need to look at them now." He says. He opens the files. It had my profile and...and my family tree.
"What!?" I say. No way! I'm... Giovanni's daughter!?
"It's all there Dark. Team rocket needs a male aire not a girl. It's Silver we need!" My mum yells.
I'm wearing a black team rocket girls uniform and there's an Umbreon next to me.
I can feel the same energy coming from her as with Umbra.
"Where's Silver and Blue?" I ask Umbra. She turns her head to the side. She has no idea.
"Lucky I sto... 'Borrowed' these from Silvers suitcase then, right Umbra? They look like they fit me." I say, taking from my satchel a pair of light blue jeans, a pair of boots, and a jacket that looks like silvers.
I put them on and take off the dumb team rocket uniform. "Let's head out." I say to Umbra. She nods her head we rush out of the room and down a corridor.
We run into a old space of a room Which looks like someone got a old castle from England, put extra moss on the bricks, hollowed it out, and then was left with the walls 20 meters high.
It's really dark. Then there's a flash of light.
There's the kids from before! But, half of their face is covered by a mask. The same one as the man in the mask. And there's the masked man, Giovanni and my mum.
I look behind them. My heart skips a beat.
My legs feel weak. "Sil.... Silver?" I say in a faint voice. He's lying there, nearly unconscious "Looks as if you got out of the room! And are those your brothers? Well, I suppose you did wear them when you where small." Giovanni says.
I look over to Silver. He opens his eyes, tries to get up, but he falls down on the ground.
Then I see a faint shape in the dark. Two of them now... Ocesunedra and firaligatr. They are lifting Silver to an archway which is an exit to get him out of the way. No one but me and Umbra notice.
"Do you really think I'd come back to people who treated me like dirt my whole life!? I didn't even know if people could care before I met Silver and Blue! The five of my friends, Silver, Blue, Gold, Cris, Light, they are the only ones who cared whether I got hurt, or were lonely, or any of that! You! You just locked me in my room, hoping the world could forget! I never met any Pokemon, I only ever went to the super market, to a trainers school, or over to lights house. You made me do things because you were too lazy to do it yourself! To think of it, that's all team rocket really is!" I yell.
I put my hands out in front of me. All my Pokemon come out of their pokeballs. As I mega evolve all of them at once I say, "I'm getting my big brother back! And we will all work together on this one! Let's go, all my Pokemon!"
We charge all together at our enemy. The kids in the masks get their Pokemon out. My Pokemon unleash beams of their most powerful attacks. I hear a voice,
"Dark! Look out!" I turn toward where Silver is. He yelled it out. I then feel the ground come out from underneath me, and then I was knocked out.
I open my eyes. Silver has my head on his chest. "I should have helped you! This is all my fault! Dark..." He said. He felt warm up against me. I wanted to jump up and yell, "I'm fine Silver! Let's take them down!" But all I could faintly mutter was his name.
"Silver..." I try to say. He notices I say it. "Dark... I'm sorry! I shouldn't have let you come to the stupid gym!" He says. I try to say something, but all that I can manage is a groan.
"You! I thought I excepted you as my father! You risked your life for me! Now what you've done is beyond cruel! How can a father be like this to his daughter!? And in front of his son!" Silver screams out to Giovanni.
"Well, after I heard Emma had three sons younger then even Dark, I decided they would fit better as the leader of team rocket as we could train them without any mishaps. Unlike with you." Giovanni saids cruelly. look up at Silver. He's actually crying!
"Silver.... Use the keystone and the weavileite in my mega stone case!" I say faintly. He gets to grip with himself then grabs my case and pulls out the rainbow keystone, and his Weavile pulls out a black, red and teal mega stone.
Silver lies me on the ground, then stands up. He holds the mega stone up above his head. In a flash, his Weavile mega evolves.
I get myself up slowly. I have to help Silver! I stand next to him. "I have to help you!" I say. I put my hands out in front of me, and in a flash, I see Umbra and Ocesunedra have mega evolved.
"Use tidal blast and dark pulse!" I yell. "Dark..." Silver saids.
"Use ice shard!" He yells. A torrent of water surrounds Ocesunedra as she blasts a wave of water like a tsunami out at team rocket, Umbra blasts out a black beam, and Weavile makes sharp ice crystals which fly through the air. This time there was no protect. All of the team rocket grunts and the masked people lay there, struggling to get up after the attack hits.
I then feel my legs collapse underneath me. The last thing I remember was Silver leaning down beside me.
I wake up in a... Lab!? "What the!?" I say as I sit up. There's Silver, Blue, Light, Cris and Gold, but then there's a boy with short, spiky brown hair and a brown-green jacket, a boy with short black spiky hair and a red and white jaket, and a boy with light blonde hair, a straw hat and a yellow tunic.
"It's professor oaks lab." Light says. A old man walks up to me as I get off the bed. "So, your Dark then? I heard about how you know a lot about mega evolution. I should call you the mega evolver!" He saids.
An Umbreon runs up to me. "Umbra!" I say. "Bre Bre!" She saids. All my Pokemon follow.
"Now what? Me and Silver don't have a mum or dad that isn't in team rocket." I say. "Well, we do need to locate the fairy-type plate of arceus before team rocket does." The brown-hair boy says. "Apparently, it is with a kid who goes to a trainers school in Viridian city."
I smile. "Count us in then! Right guys!" I say. All my Pokemon nod their heads.
I'm going to be doing vol. 2 on a different thread. So if you do like my fanfic (honestly, over 100 views is more then I thought they'd be) be sure to check volume 2 out! Which I should get done maybe by the endish of February.... Hopefully.
Hello again! Wow, you finished already? If this is done, you could send a Private Message to Bay Alexison and ask for your story to be moved to the archive so that it doesn't get drowned in unfinished stories here in the main forum.
I'm back to point out some grammatical stuff in part 2 here though. You can most likely apply some of this advice to the rest of your chapters too if you like!
"I nearly forgot! here's your pokedex" the professor saids. He hands us a flat looking device with a screen, and it looked like a iPhone s6 pretty much. A pokedex. "I dibs on puppyre!" Saids Light. "Ok idiot I'm going with kittide." I say. I pick up the pokeball.
You seem to write a bit quickly and forget to check for simple punctuation and capitalization errors. Also it's "says" instead of "saids". It should be
"I nearly forgot! Here's your pokédex," the professor says.
You can also try to throw in commas more often, as it can give the text a better flow when reading.
You forgot a word and you should try to start dialogue on a new row if there is a new person speaking. Also, punctuation again!
"I call dibs on puppyre!" says Light.
"Ok, idiot. I'm going with kittide," I say.
In the last line there, there are just a couple of minor punctuation issues.
"I'm going to make sure you mega evolve," I whisper into its pokeball.
"I caught a snezel." I say. "Thanks kittide for helping me catch her. Now you get a lot of rest." I return kittide to her pokeball. So far I have caught a hoothoot and just then a snezel. "You done!? We do need to be at cherry...." I stop when I reach Lights Side. "You bloomin' kidding me." I whisper.
In this segment above, there are numerous concerns. You jump straight into dialogue without describing any surroundings, and you don't really make it clear that the protag is traveling together with Light, so it's a bit difficult to know whom she is talking to. It's also not clear at first that the Scolipede is not Light's, but rather a wild one. You might want to try and read the text as if you are someone else, a random reader rather than yourself. Think about what can be understood and what needs to be explained in some neat way! Still, without changing more than grammar and pokémon names:
"I caught a sneasel," I say.
"Thanks, kittide, for helping me catch her. Now you get a lot of rest."
I return kittide to her pokeball. So far I have caught a hoothoot and just then a sneasel.
"You done!? We do need to be at cherry...." I stop when I reach Light's Side. "You're bloomin' kidding me," I whisper.
"Watch out!" Light saids as a pin missile nearly hits us. "You fine?" I ask. "Yep." Replies light. The scolopide charges up a hyper beam, but before it is releced, a hydro cannon attack hits it.
"Watch out!" Light says as a pin missile nearly hits us.
"You fine?" I ask. "Yep," Replies Light. The scolipede charges up a hyper beam, but before it is released, a hydro cannon attack hits it.
The rest of the post generally has the same issues, so if you want to adhere to the general stuff I've pointed out and just give your chapters another re-read, I'm sure you can improve them a bit. As for the story, I'm curious as to why Silver and the others are meeting up with the new dex holders! I guess I'll just have to read this whole thread to find out ;)
ENBUN'D avatar by the amazing Flowerchild.
am mod of Meet & Greet.
Sorry again! I'm really bad at punctuation plus the fact that I live in Australia and they teach some different spellings as well makes it hard for me to please everyone! I'll review everything I've posted, (again) and hopefully it will improve. Thank you 4 your awesome English skills, because that has really helped me!