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Pokémon Shattered [M]

Started by Misheard Whisper July 5th, 2009 4:00 PM
  • 8837 views
  • 115 replies

Misheard Whisper

I also happen to be a model.

Age 24
Male
Nimbasa Gym
Seen September 18th, 2018
Posted September 14th, 2018
3,486 posts
10.9 Years
Well, here it is. Shattered. Yes, I love italicising it. Shattered. Anyhow, this will be updated whenever, my time (GMT+12). I know the etiquette is to not nag people for the next chapter, but I give you permission.

Announcements (such as going on holiday, important updates etc) will be put here in BOLD RED FONT.

CURRENT ANNOUNCEMENTS: This thing is deeeead. I have vague hopes of getting it up again some time in the future, but till then . . . hmm. Not likely.








|~Chapter List~|
  1. Prologue/Stirring (this post)
  2. Revolution Begins
  3. Today
  4. New Toys
  5. I'm On A Boat
  6. Dragons in the Closet
  7. Complications
  8. Flame
  9. Down Once More to the Dungeon of my Black Despair
  10. Rawr
|~PM List~|
no longer exists


This story is rated M for mild language and eventual violence. I will not make excuses for the fact it starts out as an OT fic. Put down the pitchforks. I do not own Pokemon. Here we go.


Shattered
The End is Coming


Prologue


Thousands of years ago, Sinnoh was a nation torn by feudal warfare. Large clans fought for control of land. One particular clan, the Shinoka, was led by a powerful warlord. This warlord was cruel and heartless, attempting to subjugate all of Sinnoh and establish a dictatorship. To this end, he was assisted by three trusted lieutenants.

For years, nobody dared to stand up to the warlord and his lieutenants as they dominated almost all of Sinnoh. Until one day, a hero came forth, leading a determined band of men against the warlord. The warlord was furious that someone had the nerve to stand up to him. He became even more angered when he discovered that the rebel was a childhood friend of one of his lieutenants. In a fit of rage, he banished the lieutenant from his lands.

Seeking vengeance, the woman who had once been a lieutenant of the most powerful man in Sinnoh joined forces with the warlord’s worst enemy, her childhood friend. Together, they were able to defeat the warlord and his two remaining lieutenants. Sinnoh once again disintegrated into tribal warfare, clan against clan. The people soon forgot there had ever been such a dictator, or who had freed them from him. The heroes who had deposed the dictator faded into obscurity . . .


Chapter 1
Stirring


June 14, 2000


The sun dawned brightly on Sunyshore City, as it did every morning. Pokémon, as per usual, were the first ones awake, immediately springing into life, followed shortly afterward by shrieking children. Bleary-eyed adults stumbled out of bed quite some time later, wishing they were still asleep, while the children and Pokémon played frantic, loud games around the house. Such was the scene in many family households across the city.

One such house, however, was very different.

In a small, cosy villa on the seafront, three people slept peacefully well past ten o’clock. This was the home of the Bach twins, and at ten-thirty, both were still sound asleep.

“Come on, Tyson. Wake up!” his mother whispered, shaking him gently. Tyson’s eyes snapped open instantly, revealing grey-blue irises that flitted around for a few seconds, searching for the source of the disturbance, before settling on his mother.

“Morning, Mum,” he mumbled, still half-asleep. Sitting up, he stifled a yawn. “What day is it?”

“It’s Thursday, love,” she said, smiling. “You’ve only got a half-day today, remember?”

“That’s right,” he said, trying to clear his head of the fog of sleep. “Teacher conference, right?”

“Yes, something like that. Get up and get dressed, love. See you in the kitchen in five for breakfast.” With that, she stepped outside the room, closing the door behind her.

Blinking tiredly, Tyson swung his legs off the bed and got unsteadily to his feet. He had been up late last night reading, of course. Unlike other fourteen-year-olds, however, he hadn’t been reading comic books about superheroes or novels about fantasy lands where strange creatures roamed and magic ruled the world. No, what Tyson Bach loved to read were crime thrillers. The suspense and mystery filling each page was enough to keep him reading well past eleven o’clock. His particular favourites were Arthur Conan Doyle’s Sherlock Holmes novels. As a matter of fact, he had been reading The Hound of the Baskervilles just last night.

Crossing the room to the window, he pulled the curtains back, blinking in the light that flooded the room. Being on the eastern – seaward – side of the house, Tyson’s room got full sunlight for the whole morning. It wasn’t often he got to enjoy it like this, however. Every morning, he would get up while the sun was barely peeking over the horizon in order to be at school by eight. As a result, he only got to sleep in once a week, on Sundays. Saturday classes finished at lunchtime, though.

Flicking through the hangers in his closet, Tyson picked out his wardrobe for the day. It wasn’t really a hard decision. He simply grabbed the first T-shirt he came across and matched it with a random pair of jeans. He ended up with a sky-blue T-shirt with the word ‘Armageddon’ printed on it in white above a picture of an Exploding Voltorb.

Stepping out of his room, Tyson found himself nose to nose with his twin sister, who had just come out of the room on the other side of the hallway. It was a little like looking into a mirror. The same round face, the same grey-blue eyes, the same quirky grin. The only difference that was immediately visible was their hair. While Haley’s brown hair was neatly combed, and hung down past her shoulders, Tyson’s was shorter, yet long enough to be shaggy. He hadn’t bothered to touch it since he’d got up, and it showed.

Even though they were almost identical, Tyson and Haley could not be more different. While Tyson was down-to-earth and practical, Haley was a dreamer, with her head stuck permanently in the clouds. Although they were polar opposites in personality, they were as close as any two siblings could be. They’d lived together for fourteen years, after all.

“Morning!” said Haley brightly. “Lovely day, isn’t it?”

“Absolutely,” agreed Tyson as they headed for the kitchen. “Do you know what time we’re supposed to be starting today?”

“Eleven thirty, I think,” she said thoughtfully.

“Oh, Tyson, do you ever brush your hair, love?” his mother asked as she spotted them entering the kitchen.

“Not really,” Tyson grinned. She sighed in exasperation and set about attacking his hair with a comb.

Elizabeth Bach was a typical mum. She was fussy when she needed to be, but always proud of her children. Due to her husband’s demanding job, she had practically raised the twins herself. Tyson and Haley were closer to her than they were to anyone else in the world, except each other. Her face set in a frown of motherly annoyance, she tugged her comb through Tyson’s hair while Haley set about breakfast, trying not to laugh.

Tyson was, in fact, finding the situation equally amusing. Then again, Tyson found just about anything amusing.

Over breakfast, the topic of discussion ranged just as widely as always; from the latest Pokémon League challenger to the annoying DJ on the local radio station, from last week’s maths test to the weather.

“Did you hear about that cyclone in Johto?” Haley asked. “It was on the news last night.”

“Yes, I saw that,” said Tyson, nodding thoughtfully. “Tore Cianwood City to pieces, didn’t it?”

“Yes, it did,” confirmed Haley, “but they evacuated everyone a couple of days ago. Only a few people were killed. It would have been a lot worse if they hadn’t found out about it when they did.”

Tyson gazed thoughtfully out of the window. The sky over Sunyshore was as clear and blue as usual. He couldn’t imagine any weather worse than a cold breeze ever coming to Sunyshore. The disaster wreaked in Johto seemed remote and distant. Yet glancing over at Haley, he knew that his sister was feeling the loss of those lives more than he was. She was emotional like that. He knew that a cloud would hang over her for the rest of the day.

“Come on, you two!” their mother laughed. “It’s almost eleven. You should get going, or you’ll be late.” Chatting amiably all the while, the three of them cleared up the breakfast and made ready to leave.

Stepping out of the door, Tyson took a deep breath of fresh air. The sun was warm – as usual – and there was only the lightest of sea breezes – again, as usual. Everything was so predictable. He wished that something different would happen. Just once.

“Come on, Tyson!” Haley nudged him cheekily. “It’s not like you to just stand there. What’s gotten into you?”

“Nothing,” he mumbled dismissively, starting to walk. “Nothing at all.” Looking at him askance, Haley followed.

“What’s been eating you lately, Tyson?” she asked in concern. “You’re not the same these days.”

“It’s nothing,” he said again.

“It’s not ‘nothing’,” she said. “It’s something. Don’t try and lie to me, Tyson. I know you too well for that.” Tyson sighed. She was right. He couldn’t put anything past her.

“Do you ever feel . . .” he began uncertainly, then paused, unsure if he should continue.

“Go on,” she prodded gently.

“Do you ever feel as if there’s something more?” he asked cryptically.

“Always,” she said. “There’s always something new out there, right?”

“No,” he said. “That’s not what I mean. Like . . .” he paused as he struggled to find words for what he was trying to say. “Like, do you feel that there’s something else we should be doing?” he asked finally.

“Instead of what?” Haley frowned.

“Instead of . . . you know, just going to school every day, living out a normal life, and never doing anything to make a difference, whether it be to us or to anyone else?”

“I see your point,” she said slowly, “but why the sudden change in philosophy? You’re starting to sound like me!” she laughed.

“I practically am you,” Tyson said, laughing as well, “remember?”

The heavy conversation degenerated into helpless laughter. By the time they stopped, they had made an unspoken agreement not to breach the subject again. At least, not that day.

“Hey, Tyson! Haley!” The twins turned slightly to see a tall, red-haired girl jogging along behind them, trying to catch up. Tyson stopped immediately and let her do so. Haley smiled.

“Hi, Alexis!” she said brightly. “Did you miss the bus?”

“Yeah,” said Alexis regretfully. “I thought it left at quarter past eleven, but, well, it didn’t, so I missed it, so I had to walk, so I’m gonna be late, so here I am!” Haley blinked.

“Whoa. Calm down, girl,” she cautioned as the three started walking again. “You won’t be late.”

“Did you hear about the cyclone?” Tyson asked Alexis, watching Haley out of the corner of his eye. Just like he thought, Haley winced slightly at the mention of the disaster. Interesting.

“Yes, I saw it on the news this morning! It’s just as well they managed to evacuate just about everybody, right?”

That’s pretty much what Haley said, Tyson mused. Shaking his head, he shoved all thoughts of disaster to the back of his mind and focused on trying to remember all the methods for working out an angle at the centre of a circle.

By the time the trio reached school at twenty past eleven, the conversation had all but died out. Tyson was mumbling to himself about geometry, Haley was lost in cloud-cuckoo land, and Alexis was walking awkwardly between them, glancing from one to the other.

“What have you got first period, Alexis?” asked Haley, completely out of the blue.

“Oh,” said Alexis, caught off guard. “Science, I think. What about you?”

“I’ve got Art,” she said dreamily, her hand working an invisible paintbrush in the air in front of her.

“Aren’t you lucky, then,” grumbled Tyson good-naturedly. “I’ve got a Maths test. What do the interior angles of a polygon add up to again?”

“Number of sides, minus two, multiplied by a hundred and eighty,” said Alexis. “I think.”

“Thank you,” he said briskly, dashing off toward his first class. “I’ll see you guys in Pokémon Studies!” he called over his shoulder. “I have to be at Maths five minutes early!” Before either of the girls could reply, he was gone.

“Sides, minus two, times one-eighty,” he mumbled as he ran. “Sides, minus two, times one-eighty. Sides, minus two . . .”


***


An hour later, Tyson slid into his seat next to Haley in Pokémon Studies looking decidedly worn out.

“Damn,” he said. “I hate geometry!” Haley raised an eyebrow, but said nothing. Alexis arrived and dropped into the chair on Haley’s other side.

“Damn,” she said. “I hate science!” Tyson looked at her for a second, before he and Haley burst out laughing. Alexis looked utterly bemused. “What?” she asked, going a little pink.

“Silence, please!” Mr Jay’s voice rang out from the front of the room. All chatter immediately ceased. A stout little man with a suit and tie, Mr Jay was well respected by his pupils. He didn’t need to shout. When he said jump, they jumped. “Today, we have a very important guest. Now, I presume that most of you are aware that the staff have been occupied this morning with a conference of vital importance?” Most of the class nodded. “Well, you are about to find out why. Without further ado, I present to you Dr. Goldstein of the Pokémon League!”

An excited murmur ran around the assembled students as the classroom door opened. The Pokémon League had not been operating for very long; the government had been firmly set against it, for reasons that were, on the whole, incomprehensible. Whatever Dr. Goldstein was here for, it had to be important.

When Dr. Goldstein stepped through the door, the murmuring stopped. Goldstein was a tall man, long and lanky, with neatly cropped black hair and round, black glasses that obscured his eyes from view.

“Good morning, everyone,” he said. His voice was deep and gravelly; it sounded as if he had a large piece of sandpaper lodged in his throat. “I am Dr. Goldstein. I represent the Pokémon League.” The class remained silent. Mr Jay had told them as much. “I am here this afternoon to present to you the Pokémon League’s latest initiative, a joint project with the Ministry of Education,” he continued, droning on as if he was simply reciting lines spoken a thousand times. “In response to the Pokémon League’s lack of challengers, the Ministry of Education has agreed to allow students to undertake an extended field trip of sorts. This will allow you to travel around Sinnoh, experience new things, learn about Pokémon and gain valuable knowledge that will serve you well throughout your life.”

“He sounds like he’s swallowed a textbook,” Tyson whispered. Alexis nodded in silent agreement, but Haley was gazing thoughtfully at the doctor, completely focused, for once, on what was being said.

“Your school curriculum,” Goldstein continued, “will naturally be put on hold for the duration of your ‘Pokémon Journey’, as this project is called. I believe your teacher will have further information on this for you later.” This news sent another excited buzz around the room. No school? No boring history or maths?

“This class is one of many from across the region that will undertake the Pokémon Journey. Our long-term aim is to have this standard practice, but for now, you are beta testers, if you will. If you are successful in your journey, we will be able to push our case to have every student doing this.” A few people were nodding. It seemed fair enough. But it all seemed too good to be true. Was this a prank? If it wasn’t – and admittedly, Dr. Goldstein looked deadly serious – what was the catch?

“Your teacher has an explanatory booklet and permission form for your parents. Naturally, if you do not wish to be involved, or your parents do not wish you to be involved, you are under no pressure to participate. I will be holding a seminar tonight in the school auditorium for any parents who may be under any doubt as to the logistics or ethics of the project. Thank you,” he said, bowing. He left without another word. Mr Jay, caught off guard by his sudden departure, almost tripped over his chair in his hurry to reach the front of the class.

“Well,” he said. “I can tell you’re all excited, so . . . ah, where did I put them?” He trotted over to his desk and started riffling through piles of papers. “Aha!” he exclaimed triumphantly, holding up a sheaf of glossy A4 booklets. “Take one of these each,” he said, passing them around, “and take it home. Careful, James, don’t drop the permission slip inside!” he cautioned one of the other students.

Tyson, Haley and Alexis eagerly flicked through their copies. The booklets were full of many pages of text, as well as pictures of young Trainers with Pokémon. Tyson skim-read the first page. It detailed the history of the Pokémon League, with lots of not-so-subtle references to its notability, safety, multiple business awards and reputation in other regions.

“What do you think?” asked Alexis. Her eyes were shining as she looked hopefully at Tyson and Haley. “Are you going to do it?” Haley nodded, her expression rapt.

“It would be just wonderful, wouldn’t it? To travel all over Sinnoh, to see everything, to meet all those Pokémon!” Tyson frowned.

“I’m not sure,” he said. “It sounds like fun, but . . .” he took a deep breath. “I really wanted to stay in school, you know that. Otherwise, I can’t get the qualifications I need to go to university.” Haley’s face fell.

“It wouldn’t be any fun without you, Tyson,” she said pleadingly.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I can’t make a decision now.”

“All right, enough talking!” snapped Mr Jay. “We will now be continuing with our Basic Fire-type sociology unit,” he said, drawing a collective moan from the group. Grabbing a piece of chalk, he began to scratch away on the blackboard.


***


Three-quarters of an hour later, the class broke for lunch; because it was a double period, however, Tyson, Haley and Alexis chose to stay in class and discuss the Pokémon Journey program.

“I’m definitely going for it,” Alexis reaffirmed for the tenth time in as many minutes. “The only problem is that my parents aren’t going to like it. They’re kind of . . . protective.”

“Well, at least your dad’s not a police officer,” countered Haley. “He can be very protective.”

“I don’t think he’ll have a problem,” Tyson spoke up. “He knows we’re responsible.”

“True,” Haley admitted, “but Mum will be a different story altogether.” Tyson winced as he imagined his mother’s reaction.

“I might not have a problem, though,” he laughed. “I might not be going, remember?”

“Oh, but Tyson, you have to go!” Haley begged. “I don’t want to go off on my own!” Tyson frowned.

It did sound amazing. It was, after all, something he had always wanted to do for a long time. But what about university? he asked himself. It wasn’t like he could sit exams while he was wandering all over Sinnoh, could he?

“Tyson, I know you want to go to university,” Alexis said, “but this is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity! Look at this,” she said, flicking through her booklet to a particular page. “The Pokémon League is supplying everything! Pokémon, Poké Balls, PokéGear, the works!” Still unconvinced, Tyson nodded.

“I’ll think about it.” It was an attractive prospect, but still.

“All right,” said Haley. “No pressure. I’ll get Mum and Dad to go to the seminar tonight, anyway.”

“Same here,” said Alexis. Right then, the bell rang, causing them to cover their ears.

“Someone needs to replace that damn bell,” muttered Alexis when it had finished.

“Sorry?” said Tyson. “I didn’t quite catch that. My ears are numb.” They laughed as the rest of the class trooped back in, followed by Mr Jay, who immediately began scribbling away on the board again. Tyson settled in for a long afternoon.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Star Performer
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Citrinin

Nephrotoxic.

Age 23
Male
New Zealand
Seen August 2nd, 2010
Posted July 19th, 2010
2,778 posts
10.5 Years
Dr. Goldstein looked deadly serious – what was the catch?”
That end-quote shouldn't be there.

Other than that, a brilliant chapter. :D I love how you developed the characters, particularly Tyson, and, as you've said, it's not just a tree-professor giving ten-year-olds Pokémon. :) As for the chapter consisting of dialogue, that is just the nature of what this chapter tries to achieve (setting the scene and describing how the beginning of their journey comes about), so don't worry about. ^_^ Overall, a very effective start.
~

Misheard Whisper

I also happen to be a model.

Age 24
Male
Nimbasa Gym
Seen September 18th, 2018
Posted September 14th, 2018
3,486 posts
10.9 Years
That end-quote shouldn't be there.
!@*&!@*(^

*fixes*

Other than that, a brilliant chapter. :D I love how you developed the characters, particularly Tyson, and, as you've said, it's not just a tree-professor giving ten-year-olds Pokémon. :) As for the chapter consisting of dialogue, that is just the nature of what this chapter tries to achieve (setting the scene and describing how the beginning of their journey comes about), so don't worry about. ^_^ Overall, a very effective start.
Thank you! The next chapter will be a bit dialogue-y, but after that, we start to pick up momentum, so please bear with me!
Star Performer
~latest chapter: 8~
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Champion's Legacy
~on hiatus~
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Mary Sues And You
~non-fiction~
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
New Game
~the classic~

Giratina ♀

what's your sign?

Female
Seen July 23rd, 2013
Posted July 22nd, 2013
1,439 posts
11.6 Years
My first impression: This is a very nice twist on the OT genre, and just the fact that you didn't start off at the Pokémon GET! part of the plot while describing other details as a sidenote is something nice. However, there were a few errors I noticed - not many, I assure you, but they were there.

It wasn’t like he could sit exams while he was wandering all over Sinnoh, could he?
I think this should be 'she', referring to Haley?

Honestly, I didn't notice the dialogue overload until you mentioned it. It didn't daunt me at all, and I actually thought this was a very good idea. While the opening wasn't cover-to-cover explosionfests, not many good fics are, and it did its job well: keeping me interested until the cool stuff started. I'm going to be following this fic!

Misheard Whisper

I also happen to be a model.

Age 24
Male
Nimbasa Gym
Seen September 18th, 2018
Posted September 14th, 2018
3,486 posts
10.9 Years
My first impression: This is a very nice twist on the OT genre, and just the fact that you didn't start off at the Pokémon GET! part of the plot while describing other details as a sidenote is something nice. However, there were a few errors I noticed - not many, I assure you, but they were there.



I think this should be 'she', referring to Haley?
First off, thank you very much for reviewing. I like twisting things *twists own head backwards*

Secondly, the whole chapter is told in third person limited, from Tyson's POV, so that paragraph is him wondering about how he's going to get into uni. (Americans=college) Chapter 2 will be third person limited from Haley's POV, I think. Or maybe Alexis.
Star Performer
~latest chapter: 8~
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Champion's Legacy
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~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Mary Sues And You
~non-fiction~
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
New Game
~the classic~

Miz en Scène

Everybody's connected

Male
The Wired
Seen 22 Hours Ago
Posted August 30th, 2016
1,645 posts
11.3 Years
I saw your preview in the writer's lounge and my first thought was too get to reading this fic ASAP. Although, it didn't have the same resonance like when you wrote the preview it still is quite exciting. Nice twist on the OT genre.

Still, due to my habit of finding mistakes in everything(except my own stuff. XD), I have here a review for you...

Review Content Warning(if you don't like criticism, or any form of review, skip to the end of this Review to see the sugarcoated one I wrote. XD.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
As it is the school holidays, I will be wrting more than one chapter a week. I go back to school on the 21st of July, so expect several updates till then.
Not a good idea compadre, to write quality, don't put quantity and speed first. You'll get more mistakes that way. I also assume you're fairly adept at English writing so I wont pester you into getting a beta.


three trusted lieutenants.
Should be three of his trusted lieutenants. Doesn't make sense if he trusts other people's lieutenants.


For years, nobody dared to stand up to the warlord and his lieutenants as they dominated almost all of Sinnoh. Until one day, a hero came forth, leading a determined band of men against the warlord. The warlord was furious that someone had the nerve to stand up to him. He became even more angered when he discovered that the rebel was a childhood friend of one of his lieutenants. In a fit of rage, he banished the lieutenant from his lands.

Seeking vengeance, the woman who had once been a lieutenant of the most powerful man in Sinnoh joined forces with the warlord’s worst enemy, her childhood friend.
Too much childhood friend action. Your fic so meh...0_o


Then again, Tyson found just about anything amusing.
Happy-go-lucky type kid eh....
True, everyone should follow this philosophy, it lets you live longer.


“Good morning, everyone,” he said. His voice was deep and gravelly; it sounded as if had a large piece of sandpaper lodged in his throat. “I am Dr. Goldstein. I represent the Pokémon League.” The class remained silent. Mr Jay had told them as much. “I am here this afternoon to present to you the Pokémon League’s latest initiative, a joint project with the Ministry of Education,” he continued, droning on as if he was simply reciting lines spoken a thousand times. “In response to the Pokémon League’s lack of challengers, the Ministry of Education has agreed to allow students to undertake an extended field trip of sorts. This will allow you to travel around Sinnoh, experience new things, learn about Pokémon and gain valuable knowledge that will serve you well throughout your life.”

“He sounds like he’s swallowed a textbook,” Tyson whispered. Alexis nodded in silent agreement, but Haley was gazing thoughtfully at the doctor, completely focused, for once, on what was being said.

“Your school curriculum,” Goldstein continued, “will naturally be put on hold for the duration of your ‘Pokémon Journey’, as this project is called. I believe your teacher will have further information on this for you later.” This news sent another excited buzz around the room. No school? No boring history or maths?
I don't see why the government would care about the Pokemon League unless there was some kind of incentive for doing so... I don't see the point in letting the next generation of doctors, policemen and civil servants becoming Pokemon trainers. Maybe it would make more sense if there was a certain test to go with it first, to determine capability in handling oneself in the real world. Then, weed out the weak and let the strong go out into the world.

Again, meh it's your story.
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Review Content End

It was pretty good, I kind of like the character development and I'm anxious for the next chapter. But still, take your time...
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Misheard Whisper

I also happen to be a model.

Age 24
Male
Nimbasa Gym
Seen September 18th, 2018
Posted September 14th, 2018
3,486 posts
10.9 Years
I saw your preview in the writer's lounge and my first thought was too get to reading this fic ASAP. Although, it didn't have the same resonance like when you wrote the preview it still is quite exciting. Nice twist on the OT genre.

Still, due to my habit of finding mistakes in everything(except my own stuff. XD), I have here a review for you...

Review Content Warning(if you don't like criticism, or any form of review, skip to the end of this Review to see the sugarcoated one I wrote. XD.
I love criticism. Hit me with everything you got. Just don't go Yami on me. [/Serebii joke]

Not a good idea compadre, to write quality, don't put quantity and speed first. You'll get more mistakes that way. I also assume you're fairly adept at English writing so I wont pester you into getting a beta.
First off, don't worry, I'm not rushing things. It's just that I have about 50 kajillion times the computer hours I have during school term.




Should be three of his trusted lieutenants. Doesn't make sense if he trusts other people's lieutenants.
Doesn't that kind of make it sound like there were more than three, though? Besides, I thought it would kind of go without saying that they were his.


Too much childhood friend action. Your fic so meh...0_o
I didn't just put that in there because it was kawaii, you know. I has my reezins.


Happy-go-lucky type kid eh....
True, everyone should follow this philosophy, it lets you live longer.
True XD. He finds things amusing, but he is really very sensible most of the time. He matures a lot throughout the fic, too. Do you remember Torn? Well, go through it again until you find the part where the main character says what his name is.



I don't see why the government would care about the Pokemon League unless there was some kind of incentive for doing so... I don't see the point in letting the next generation of doctors, policemen and civil servants becoming Pokemon trainers. Maybe it would make more sense if there was a certain test to go with it first, to determine capability in handling oneself in the real world. Then, weed out the weak and let the strong go out into the world.
This will be sorted out, don't worry. iirc, Goldstein said it was an experiment, being undertaken by a number of classes across the region. The vast majority of the teenage populace is still in school, and this willbe expanded upon.

Again, meh it's your story.
=D

It was pretty good, I kind of like the character development and I'm anxious for the next chapter. But still, take your time...
Character development is key in early chapters, I think. Still, it needs some action. *strokes beard*

SINCE WHEN DID I HAVE AN EFFING BEARD?!?! GET IT OFF GET IT OFF GET IT OFF! *runs in circles, screaming*

All in all, thank you for taking the time to review! I hope I can keep you interested!
Star Performer
~latest chapter: 8~
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Champion's Legacy
~on hiatus~
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Mary Sues And You
~non-fiction~
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New Game
~the classic~

ANARCHit3cht

Call me Archie!

Seen October 24th, 2019
Posted November 26th, 2018
2,143 posts
11.3 Years
I rather like it, the bones were a bit bare though. But, as you said, there would be more meat in the next chapters.

Well, I don't really have much crit to offer, except this:



Use Nair hair removal products, they are the best n,n.

Groudony dude:

Too much childhood friend action. Your fic so meh...0_o
Too much childhood friend action? I'd say not.

Should be three of his trusted lieutenants. Doesn't make sense if he trusts other people's lieutenants.
That is implied, and anyone with half a brain could figure it out.

P.S. I'll give you a bottle of hair removal cream for a muse catching cage. Deal?

Misheard Whisper

I also happen to be a model.

Age 24
Male
Nimbasa Gym
Seen September 18th, 2018
Posted September 14th, 2018
3,486 posts
10.9 Years
Thank you for reviewing! Yes, there will be more in the next chapters. C1 is setting the scene.

And I'll take that deal.
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Bay

Darkinium Z

Female
Dani California
Seen 3 Hours Ago
Posted 3 Hours Ago
5,797 posts
13.6 Years
Spoiler:
Want to say first though interesting that we'll get a backstory of Tyson from Torn. Yes, I have read it, but I still need to go review that story. XD Wanna say real quick though I like his character in that one shot and I think I'll like him even more in this story. :)


Hm, the prologue I'm a little confused how that is going to connect this story as a whole. Then again, this is just the beginning. XD

I'm already loving Tyson here. Besides him considering university (although I have an idea what he wants to study :P), I love how you put he loves to read crime thrillers. Me too. XD My favorite suspense story is Mystic River, heh. Both Alexis and Haley look like cool characters too, so I can't wait to see how you'll develop them.

I too am skeptical over why the government cares about the Pokemon League too, but you already talked to Neo Groundon about that, so I'll wait and see what plans you have for that. Another thing is why the teenagers don't start out their Pokemon journey at a younger age (anime canon has the starting age at ten while game and manga canon not really a set age but they still start somehwhere in their pre-teens). I guess part of the reason though is the whole government/Pokemon League deal. Oh gosh, I think I'm way over myself. XD

Anyways, great start on the first chapter and can't wait for the next one. I'll review your one shot eventually, promise! ^^;

Foul Play
[Chapter Nine up!]

Misheard Whisper

I also happen to be a model.

Age 24
Male
Nimbasa Gym
Seen September 18th, 2018
Posted September 14th, 2018
3,486 posts
10.9 Years
Thanks, Bay. With Tyson, I wanted to give my main character some aspirations other than "I wanna be the very best/Like no-one ever was". I won't say what he wants to study, but I'll keep dropping clues. And the other problems I'm trying to overcome are "Bye love! Just go out into the wild with a chicken/mudfish/turtle/whatever for company! Just drop in every now and again!" and the whole "Of course I'm willing to leave behind everything I ever knew to go running around the countryside with barely ten years of life experience!", not to mention "Yes, it's perfectly safe to let TEN-YEAR-OLDS run around the country. There are no safety issues whatsoever!"

All the same thing, really. As for Alexis and Haley, they will play major roles, yes ;D
ur review has been reviewed
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Possibly in a tree
Seen October 1st, 2015
Posted October 1st, 2015
161 posts
11.7 Years
Hmm, this was interesting.

What I liked:

1. Good grammar :)
2. Explanations- I really think you did a great job explaining the whole Pokemon journey. Your idea makes the journey reasonable.
3. Prologue- Very cool. I'd like to see where you take this.

What I did not love:

1. Relationships- Maybe it is just me, but I found it slightly strange that Tyson and Haley get along so well, especially because you made a point of mentioning how different Tyson and Haley are. I have siblings, and while we are close, we argue often. In addition, I thought it was strange that Alexis got along so well with both Tyson and Haley. Again, I can only speak from experience, but while I will often tolerate my brother's friends, I would not consider myself a friend.
2. The maths thing (instead of math)... sorry. I know it is just because I am from America...

Overall, I think you are off to a great start! Keep it up!
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Misheard Whisper

I also happen to be a model.

Age 24
Male
Nimbasa Gym
Seen September 18th, 2018
Posted September 14th, 2018
3,486 posts
10.9 Years
Thanks, delongbi! I have to say, I'm just sick of seeing arguing siblings, (including my own) and Tyson and Haley are intended to illustrate the fact that being different is no barrier to a relationship. And the building up of the relationships between the five (yes, five) main characters will be a major part of the story, bordering on being the focus. Lame excuse, sorry.

And the math/maths thing . . . it's like color/colour and so on. Just international preference. I know a large portion of members are American, so I originally tried to Americanise (not -ize) everything, but there were too many inconsistencies. Sorry about that. But thank you for reviewing!
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Giratina ♀

what's your sign?

Female
Seen July 23rd, 2013
Posted July 22nd, 2013
1,439 posts
11.6 Years
There's no need to translate into Americanian for us. ^^ Most people are able to understand what you meant even if you did use a different spelling of the word. It's only a few letters, really. (To be honest, I'm an American and I occasionally use British spellings...) But yes, the siblings-getting-along-perfectly thing was kind of off-setting. Maybe if you didn't mention that they always get along well but rather let us see for ourselves it would seem slightly less... uh... 'jarring', I guess.

Misheard Whisper

I also happen to be a model.

Age 24
Male
Nimbasa Gym
Seen September 18th, 2018
Posted September 14th, 2018
3,486 posts
10.9 Years
@Giratinasaur: You are right, that probably was a bit awkward. This will all undergo a major rewrite once it's finished, so I'll change that then.

@dark giratina: There was lots of dialogue, but it was kind of necessary. The next chapter will be a bit like that as well. As long as it flows naturally, though, I'm happy with it. Thank you for reviewing!
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Ibuberu

prepare yourself pls

Female
roar.
Seen January 27th, 2011
Posted July 2nd, 2010
1,977 posts
14.4 Years
The sun dawned brightly on Sunyshore City, as it did every morning. Pokémon, as per usual, were the first ones awake, immediately springing into life, followed shortly afterward by shrieking children. Bleary-eyed adults stumbled out of bed quite some time later, wishing they were still asleep, while the children and Pokémon played frantic, loud games around the house. Such was the scene in many family households across the city.
I like this starting. It opens up the story perfectly at a moderate pace, instead of just thrusting us straight into it.

Although they were polar opposites in personality, they were as close as any two siblings could be. They’d lived together for fourteen years, after all.
I like the twist you did with the siblings. Most brothers/sisters tend to be comedic duos that shout and irritate one another. You chose to go another way and I like it. Showing how two vastly different people can stilll be really close is a great thing that can be represented by these two lively characters.


Over breakfast, the topic of discussion ranged just as widely as always; from the latest Pokémon League challenger to the annoying DJ on the local radio station, from last week’s maths test to the weather.
I like this small, but very significant detail you added. It portrays how their family is pretty normal, and allows the reader to relate with them much easier.


“Yes, I saw that,” said Tyson, nodding thoughtfully. “Tore Cianwood City to pieces, didn’t it?”

“Yes, it did,” confirmed Haley, “but they evacuated everyone a couple of days ago. Only a few people were killed. It would have been a lot worse if they hadn’t found out about it when they did.”

Tyson gazed thoughtfully out of the window.
Though 2 lines of text separate the sentences, I couldn't help but notice that you repeated two words within 4 lines of text. Try substituting words next time to show off a wider range of vocabulary, that really draws the reader in. You could possibly start referring to Tyson as 'the male', 'the young boy', 'the worried brother', etc. There are many ways to describe him, but I notice that you've just been using 'Tyson' most of the time.


“I see your point,” she said slowly, “-but why the sudden change in philosophy? You’re starting to sound like me!” she laughed.

“I practically am you,” Tyson said, laughing as well, “-remember?”
I think a '-' is appropriate here. Because her sentence was cut off after that comma.


The heavy conversation degenerated into helpless laughter.
I'm not sure if degeneration should be used here, since usually it means de-volving and all that, right? 'Evolved' sounds more light-hearted. Of course, it could just be me :3

By the time the trio reached school at twenty past eleven, the conversation had all but died out. Tyson was mumbling to himself about algebra, Haley was lost in cloud-cuckoo land, and Alexis was walking awkwardly between them, glancing from one to the other.
This paragraph seems to be missing something, which I think is the description of the school. We can't imagine our characters without a setting, right? :3


“Thank you,” he said briskly, dashing off toward his first class. “I’ll see you guys in Pokémon Studies!” he called over his shoulder. “I have to be at Maths five minutes early!” Before either of the girls could reply, he was gone.
In this paragraph, I feel that the speech is too cluttered, it might look neater if you separate them from each other.

“Thank you,” he said briskly, dashing off toward his first class. “I’ll see you guys in Pokémon Studies!” he called over his shoulder.

“I have to be at Maths five minutes early!” Before either of the girls could reply, he was gone.
^ Something like that? Its up to you, really (:

“Silence, please!” Mr Jay’s voice rang out from the front of the room. All chatter immediately ceased. A stout little man with a suit and tie, Mr Jay was well respected by his pupils. He didn’t need to shout. When he said jump, they jumped. “Today, we have a very important guest. Now, I presume that most of you are aware that the staff have been occupied this morning with a conference of vital importance?” Most of the class nodded. “Well, you are about to find out why. Without further ado, I present to you Dr. Goldstein of the Pokémon League!”
Here's another case where the speech is all squished together, making it hard for the reader to distinguish speech from action. You may want to break up this paragraph.


“Good morning, everyone,” he said. His voice was deep and gravelly; it sounded as if had a large piece of sandpaper lodged in his throat. “I am Dr. Goldstein. I represent the Pokémon League.” The class remained silent. Mr Jay had told them as much. “I am here this afternoon to present to you the Pokémon League’s latest initiative, a joint project with the Ministry of Education,” he continued, droning on as if he was simply reciting lines spoken a thousand times. “In response to the Pokémon League’s lack of challengers, the Ministry of Education has agreed to allow students to undertake an extended field trip of sorts. This will allow you to travel around Sinnoh, experience new things, learn about Pokémon and gain valuable knowledge that will serve you well throughout your life.”
'it sounded as if a large piece of sandpaper had been lodged in his throat'?

Oh, and I think there's too much speech here too. But the final call is from you, of course :3


“He sounds like he’s swallowed a textbook,” Tyson whispered. Alexis nodded in silent agreement, but Haley was gazing thoughtfully at the doctor, completely focused, for once, on what was being said.
I couldn't help but smile at what Tyson said XD;


Overall Comments :

I like the starting, especially the prologue. It sort of hints that something epic might happen later on in the story. The title 'Shattered' itself, is already thought-provoking :3

There were many award-winning aspects in your story. Namely - the grammer, the plot itself, and the characters. Personally, I feel that your vocabulary could be improved slightly. Try using thesaurus.com whenever you write a chapter, it helps out a whole lot (: The grammer was mostly flawless, the plot was very unique and actually made sense. Of course, the Pokémon League may have underlying motives.. Hmmm. I also loved Tyson's character. Serious and practical, the fact that he actually paused and thought 'Hmm, should I go for it? I have a future to think about.' was what really appealed to me and made me like him a whole lot. Instead of being a thoughtless teenager who blindly charges, he actually considers first.

Of course, so far, we've only seen these 3 characters to be very warm and nice, I do hope that they have their bad sides too. Flaws are what complete a character, after all :3 I don't mind the huge amount of dialogue. If anything, it helps to push the story along. However, I'm still not too keen about you scrunching them together. But that may be just me (:

I'll be looking forward to the next chapter!

t e n h e r o e s


fanfiction//livejournal

Misheard Whisper

I also happen to be a model.

Age 24
Male
Nimbasa Gym
Seen September 18th, 2018
Posted September 14th, 2018
3,486 posts
10.9 Years
Thanks for your review! I'm working on the whole dialogue thing - and trust me, there will be flaws. Oh yes, there will be flaws. *evil laugh*

Um, I can't really see what you're getting at. 'I see your point, but why the sudden change in philosophy?' is a single sentence, and doesn't really need the hyphen there, does it?
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Misheard Whisper

I also happen to be a model.

Age 24
Male
Nimbasa Gym
Seen September 18th, 2018
Posted September 14th, 2018
3,486 posts
10.9 Years
Chapter 2


Revolution Begins



June 14, 2000


On the way home from school, Haley was deep in thought. The prospect of a Pokémon Journey was highly exciting, but . . . if Tyson wasn’t going, she didn’t want to either. It just wouldn’t be the same without him.

“So, Tyson,” she said. “Have you thought any more about the Pokémon Journey?” Tyson grimaced slightly.

“Yes, I have,” he said. “What do you think I was doing all through Pokémon Studies? You think I was listening or something?”

“No,” she said, “but you were awfully quiet. So . . . have you made a decision yet?” Tyson sighed.

“No, Haley, I haven’t. I – I can’t. Not yet. I need to . . . talk about it, and look at both sides of the equation, you know?”

“Alright,” said Haley matter-of-factly. “On the one side, you go on the journey of a lifetime, raise Pokémon, meet new people, see new places and learn so much as you go along. On the other hand, you can be stuck in school for another three and a half years doing geometry and physics.”

“When you put it that way, there’s no contest,” he smiled uneasily. “But you know I have to stay in school, Haley. You know I can’t get into university if I drop out now! And I hardly think this Pokémon Journey is going to be wrapped up within a couple of months.” Please, his eyes begged her, don’t do this to me. Haley could tell that he was struggling, and felt sorry for him. He so badly wanted to do both, but undertaking one course would mean forfeiting the other.

“Just think about it. We’ll get Mum and Dad to go to Goldstein’s seminar, and we can all talk about it afterwards. OK?”

“OK,” he mumbled, although he didn’t look that happy about the prospect. He then fell silent, and didn’t say a word all the way home.

When they got home, Tyson muttered a distracted hello to his mother before dumping his bag and disappearing off to his room.

“What’s his problem?” Elizabeth asked in concern.

“Well, Mum,” said Haley. “It’s a long story.”

“Oh?” she asked. “Carry on.” Taking a deep breath, Haley began. She recounted Dr. Goldstein’s visit and Tyson’s dilemma. Digging in her bag, she retrieved the glossy booklet and handed it to her mother. Haley watched in silence as Elizabeth skimmed through the booklet.

“Hmm,” she said finally, closing the booklet and putting it carefully aside.

“And?” Haley asked eagerly.

“You want to go, of course?”

“Yes, very much,” agreed Haley. Elizabeth sighed, leaning heavily on the kitchen bench.

“Well,” she said, “we’ll need to discuss this with your father, of course. And what Tyson wants to do needs to be taken into account as well. What did you say about a seminar, love?”

“Dr. Goldstein is speaking tonight, down at the school auditorium. He said he was going to explain the program in greater depth and answer any questions.”

“That’s good,” said Elizabeth thoughtfully. “I’ll call your father and get him to meet me there. Do you know what time it’s supposed to be?”

“I think it was in the booklet somewhere,” said Haley slowly.

“OK, then. You go and do some homework now, love. I’ll call your father.”

“OK. Thanks, Mum!” She drifted off absently, her mind on anything but homework.

Half an hour later, however, she realised she couldn’t ignore it. Regretfully tossing Legendary Pokémon of Hoenn onto her bed, she pulled out her Pokémon Studies textbook and turned to the page Mr Jay had set them for that day. Interestingly enough, it was the start of a chapter called ‘Pokémon Trainers – Means and Methods’. Shaking her head, Haley glanced at the questions.

1. Describe, in your own words, the necessary steps for capturing a wild Pokémon.
2. What are the Three Rules of Pokémon Training?
3. In your opinion, is it best for a new Trainer to start with a strong or a weak Pokémon? Justify your answer.

“You cheeky old man,” she muttered, trying not to laugh. How apt that Mr Jay had set them this page on this particular day. It was no coincidence, that was for sure.

The first question was easy. They had covered Basic Pokémon Capture Methods just last week. Reading the second question again, Haley scribbled down the Three Rules, the unwritten laws one must abide by to be a real Pokémon Trainer. Always be vigilant. Always be honourable. Always be true. That last one, Mr Jay had explained, could be interpreted in different ways. Be true to your friends. Be true to your Pokémon. Be true to yourself. Mr Jay was a stickler for philosophy and virtues.

Tyson scoffed at it. As long as he got the job done, he wasn’t too worried about the means. Haley didn’t think he’d go for anything too extreme, but still . . .

In your opinion, is it best for a new Trainer to start with a strong or a weak Pokémon? Justify your answer.

That one was difficult. Logically, it would be better to start with a strong Pokémon; it would be easier to win battles that way. But what if the Pokémon realised that its Trainer was inexperienced, and decided that it didn’t have to listen? Then a Trainer would effectively be left with no Pokémon at all. No, she decided, a less powerful Pokémon would be better.

Tyson would prefer a strong Pokémon, she knew. It would definitely appeal to his practical nature. But what if . . . what if he never got the chance to choose? What if he decided university was the path for him after all?

Shaking her head, she began writing down her answer. As she was doing so, there was a knock on her bedroom door. Elizabeth poked her head in.

“The seminar starts at five, so I’ll be going now, love. I’ll see you in a couple of hours. If you guys are hungry, there are leftovers in the fridge. Make sure you lock the door behind me, and don’t unlock it unless it’s your father and I. Don’t-”

“Mum!” Haley interrupted her. Elizabeth smiled.

“Sorry. Bye, love.”

“Bye, Mum.”

As soon as she was sure her mother had gone, Haley slammed her textbook shut and went across the hallway to Tyson’s room. Peeking in, she saw Tyson lying stretched out on his bed, his nose buried in The Hound of the Baskervilles. He closed the book when he saw her, however, sitting up to look at her.

“Well?” he asked.

“Well what?” she replied.

“You obviously came in here to say something. What is it?” he pressed. Haley sighed, steeling herself.

“Look, I know this is hard for you. And I just wanted to say that if you don’t want to go on the Pokémon Journey . . . if you want to stay and go to university . . . that’s OK with me,” she said finally. Tyson’s eyes widened slightly.

“You . . . you don’t mind?” he asked in disbelief.

“Not at all,” she lied hollowly. In truth, she wanted nothing more than for her brother to come on the Pokémon Journey with her, but . . . the relief that was evident on his face, no matter how he tried to hide it, was enough to tell her she’d made the right decision. Without saying another word, she left the room, closing the door quickly behind her. Once she was back in her own room, she locked her own door and flopped down on the bed.

I can’t believe I said that. She just couldn’t. Ever since she had heard of the concept – they’d been doing it in Kanto for about forty years now – wandering freely across the country with Pokémon had been her dream. There were many things she wanted to do in life, but they were mere fancies, shifting with the breeze. The Pokémon Journey was what she had envisioned herself doing for the last ten years.

But in each of those happy daydreams, Tyson had been right there with her, just as happy as she was to be on the journey. But now . . . she wasn’t sure if that was ever going to become a reality. Tyson had his heart set on going to university, she knew. He wanted to go on the Pokémon Journey. She knew that, too. But his desire to wander around Sinnoh with his sister and Pokémon obviously wasn’t as strong as his desire to undertake tertiary education.

Haley would have liked to think she understood that, but in all honesty, she couldn’t. A single tear trickled down her cheek as she tried to imagine what life would be like without her brother. She brushed it away angrily. What am I, a little girl? But Tyson had been there for fourteen years. If he suddenly wasn’t there at all, what would she do?

“Pull yourself together,” she mumbled angrily. Picking up Legendary Pokémon of Hoenn again, she tried valiantly to put the thought from her mind. Just for a couple of hours.


***


At precisely ten minutes to five, Elizabeth Bach spotted her husband wending his way toward her through the crowd of parents waiting anxiously outside the school auditorium, a blocky, red-brick building with a green roof. There were only about fifty people there, but the courtyard was small, and everyone was bunched up together. Add to that the fact that everyone was brandishing glossy booklets and seemingly attempting to take up as much space as possible, however, and the space was incredibly full.

Jacob Bach, however, was a big man, standing head and shoulders above some of the other parents. By virtue of his height and Sunyshore Police uniform, he easily carved a path through the throng to his wife.

“So tell me, love,” he said as he reached her, “what’s this all about?” Elizabeth hadn’t had time to explain everything on the phone. She handed him the booklet silently. He took it and glanced at the front cover.

“The Pokémon Journey Program,” he muttered thoughtfully as he skimmed through the booklet. Before he could finish it, however, Dr. Goldstein appeared in the doorway of the auditorium and beckoned everyone inside.

“Please step inside, ladies and gentlemen,” he said. “The seminar is about to begin!” The crowd slowly filtered through the tiny doorway and found their seats. Dr. Goldstein took his place at the front of the room.

“Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to present to you the Pokémon Journey Project!”


***


Haley was still reading when her parents got home. Upon hearing the door open, she eagerly dropped her book and raced to the kitchen, momentarily forgetting about Tyson.

“So?” she asked. Her father glanced at her, bemused.

“So what?” he asked.

“What did you think?” Her parents glanced at each other.

“I’m not sure, love,” Elizabeth said, but before she could continue, she was cut off.

“I think it’s a wonderful idea!” declared Jacob happily. Elizabeth glared at him. “Oops, was I not supposed to say that?”

“No, you weren’t,” she said stiffly. “Sit down, you two troublemakers, and I’ll go and get Tyson. We all need to talk about this,” she said, pushing them both into chairs around the table. As soon as she had left, Haley spoke up.

“What did you say you thought?” she asked keenly.

“I think it’s great!” Jacob said enthusiastically. “It’s just what you kids need. Your mother isn’t so sure about it, though. We’ll have to work on that.”

“Work on what?” Elizabeth asked suspiciously as she entered the room, Tyson trailing behind her. Haley’s stomach dropped slightly at the reluctant look on Tyson’s face.

“Nothing,” they said simultaneously as Tyson sat down. She shook her head and remained standing.

“First off, I have to say it sounded particularly dubious to start with.” Jacob started to speak, but she held up a hand to stop him. “But! After listening to Dr. Goldstein, I have to admit that it sounds alright. There will be security precautions in place, which of course was my main concern.”

“What kind of security precautions?” Haley asked.

“You’d be travelling in groups of three, with an experienced Trainer along as well, to act as guardian and mentor. I must say, it would put my mind at rest if I knew there was a reliable adult along.”

“So you’re going to let us do it?” Haley asked eagerly.

“Absolu-”

Jacob!

“Right, sorry.”

“Anyway, love, I want you two to think very carefully about this. This is a huge decision that could very well define your future.” Haley took a deep breath.

“Yes, Mum. I want to do this. You know I want to do this! I’ve wanted to do this for years!” But not without Tyson.

“Are you sure you’ve thought about this, love?” Elizabeth asked sceptically. Jacob laughed.

“Of course she has! The girl knows what she wants. Atta girl, Haley!” he said happily. “And what about you, Tyson?” Tyson, who had been gazing intently at the table the whole time, lifted his head, apparently surprised at being directly addressed.

“I . . .” He stopped, swallowed, and tried again. “I want to go. But I want to get into university . . . more than I want to go. I’m sorry.” Elizabeth and Jacob glanced at each other, smiling. What’s so funny? Haley wondered.

“Actually, love, Mr Jay spoke tonight as well. He said you would in fact be carrying on your curriculum on the Pokémon Journey,” Elizabeth explained. Tyson’s eyes flickered.

“What? How?”

“He says you’ll be doing revision along the way. The League is supplying each student with a digital notebook equipped with multiple educational programs. Apparently if you do an hour a day, you’ll be able to take end-of-year exams online, overseen by your mentor to make sure you don’t cheat.” Haley saw the ghost of a smile begin to form on her brother’s face, and felt an identical grin creeping onto her own.

“You mean I can go on the Pokémon Journey . . . and still come back at the end of it and go to university?” he asked in disbelief.

“Pretty much, yes,” Jacob agreed, grinning broadly.

“Are you sure that’d be . . . enough?” Tyson asked uncertainly. “I mean, do you think it would qualify as an education? An hour a day seems awfully fishy . . .”

“You can do more if you want,” Jacob chuckled.

“I didn’t think of that,” Tyson mused. “Still, I want to think about it. Like you said, it’s a huge decision.”

“Don’t take too long,” said Haley, who had been reading the booklet Elizabeth had dropped on the table when she came in.

“Why not?” asked Tyson, confused. Haley slid the booklet across the table toward him, tapping a particular line as she did so.

“Says here they want permission in by tomorrow.” Tyson’s eyes grew wide.

“Oh,” he said in a small voice. “I see.” He turned to look at his parents. “What do you think?” he asked.

“If you want to do it, love, we’ve got all the paperwork right here,” Elizabeth said, tapping a stack of paper on the bench behind her. Tyson took a deep breath. Come on, Tyson! Haley urged him silently. He was still looking uncertain. You have to do it! For me. Please? she begged him silently, even though there was no way he could hear her.

Tyson glanced across the table at her, still looking uncertain. But as she gazed at him pleadingly, she saw a shift in his eyes. They became less unsure, and more . . . determined.

“OK,” he said. “I’m doing it.”


***


“Everything is as you ordered, sir,” reported Jeremiah proudly. “The subjects have been rounded up, and we’re ready to commence.” The man who he was addressing smiled humourlessly, gazing intently at Jeremiah with his flinty grey eyes.

“Good work. I will be in Sunyshore City tomorrow to begin Phase Two, but there is something I must do first. Meet me at the rendezvous point at midday.”

“Yes, sir.” Jeremiah snapped a quick salute, and, realising he was dismissed, left the room hastily.

“Good . . .” muttered the man, before rising from his chair and leaving without another word.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

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Citrinin

Nephrotoxic.

Age 23
Male
New Zealand
Seen August 2nd, 2010
Posted July 19th, 2010
2,778 posts
10.5 Years
“No, Haley, I haven’t. I – I can’t. Not yet. I need to . . . talk about it, and look at both sides of the equation, you know?”
Brilliant portrayal of his unsureness and inner conflict. ^_^

months.”Please
Just a spacing typo here - should be "months.” Please"

Regretfully tossingLegendaryPokémon of Hoennonto
It seems like italics isn't your friend when it comes to visible spacing. ;P It should be "Regretfully tossing Legendary Pokémon of Hoenn onto".

Always be vigilant. Always be honourable. Always be true.That last one
Should be "Always be vigilant. Always be honourable. Always be true. That last one"

Since this problem is cropping up a lot, perhaps you should, when writing the story, write what you want in italics without formatting, and then highlight and italicise?

I can’t believe I said that.She just couldn’t.
Should be "I can’t believe I said that. She just couldn’t."

Picking upLegendary Pokémon of Hoennagain
Should be "Picking up Legendary Pokémon of Hoenn again"

he easily carved a path through the throng to his wife.
Nice bit of description. ;D

I’ve wanted to do this for years!”But not without Tyson.
Should be "I’ve wanted to do this for years!” But not without Tyson."

Haleywondered.
Should be "Haley wondered".

All in all, a brilliant, well-paced development. The only major problem I found was with spacing, particularly where italics are involved. Good job. :D
~

Misheard Whisper

I also happen to be a model.

Age 24
Male
Nimbasa Gym
Seen September 18th, 2018
Posted September 14th, 2018
3,486 posts
10.9 Years
Thanks, Citrinin. That completely escaped me. ^_^ *is bonkers* I'm glad you like the chapter. Oh, and guys? Don't forget, I can put you on the PM list if you like.
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New Game
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Miz en Scène

Everybody's connected

Male
The Wired
Seen 22 Hours Ago
Posted August 30th, 2016
1,645 posts
11.3 Years
This time, I’m not going to jump headfirst into grammatical corrections and plot holes because, frankly, I didn’t find that many (and because Citrinin just posted his review while I was writing this). So yeah, I still like your fic though, it gives me something to read about and look forward to. (:
Instead, I’m going to compliment this fic in my post which is something I don’t normally do at first.

No,” she said, “but you were awfully quiet. So . . . have you made a decision yet?” Tyson sighed.

“No, Haley, I haven’t. I – I can’t. Not yet. I need to . . . talk about it, and look at both sides of the equation, you know?”

“Alright,” said Haley matter-of-factly. “On the one side, you go on the journey of a lifetime, raise Pokémon, meet new people, see new places and learn so much as you go along. On the other hand, you can be stuck in school for another three and a half years doing geometry and physics.”

“When you put it that way, there’s no contest,” he smiled uneasily. “But you know I have to stay in school, Haley. You know I can’t get into university if I drop out now! And I hardly think this Pokémon Journey is going to be wrapped up within a couple of months.”Please,his eyes begged her, don’t do this to me. Haley could tell that he was struggling, and felt sorry for him. He so badly wanted to do both, but undertaking one course would mean forfeiting the other.
Tyson’s character has really developed over these past few chapters. Honestly, I’m impressed, not many writers pull this of so splendidly. To me, it shows Tyson’s character as the methodical and more mature one of the two.

“OK. Thanks, Mum!” She drifted off absently, her mind on anything but homework.
Lulz, that’s so typical, this happens to me sometimes too… XD

The first question was easy. They had covered Basic Pokémon Capture Methods just last week. Reading the second question again, Haley scribbled down the Three Rules, the unwritten laws one must abide by to be a real Pokémon Trainer. Always be vigilant. Always be honourable. Always be true.That last one, Mr Jay had explained, could be interpreted in different ways. Be true to your friends. Be true to your Pokémon. Be true to yourself. Mr Jay was a stickler for philosophy and virtues.
To me, this part was somewhat okay but still, it would be quite cliché to let your fic revolve around these three unwritten laws.
Spoiler:
(Like that Lego bionicle thing)

That is to say, if Tyson did something bad during the journey and Haley just started spouting out this random crap. XD

“The seminar starts at five, so I’ll be going now, love. I’ll see you in a couple of hours. If you guys are hungry, there are leftovers in the fridge. Make sure you lock the door behind me, and don’t unlock it unless it’s your father and I. Don’t-”

“Mum!” Haley interrupted her. Elizabeth smiled.

“Sorry. Bye, love.”
Perfect view of the overprotective mother. XD

As soon as she was sure her mother had gone, Haley slammed her textbook shut and went across the hallway to Tyson’s room. Peeking in, she saw Tyson lying stretched out on his bed, his nose buried inThe Hound of the Baskervilles. He closed the book when he saw her, however, sitting up to look at her.

“Well?” he asked.

“Well what?” she replied.

“You obviously came in here to say something. What is it?” he pressed. Haley sighed, steeling herself.

“Look, I know this is hard for you. And I just wanted to say that if you don’t want to go on the Pokémon Journey . . . if you want to stay and go to university . . . that’s OK with me,” she said finally. Tyson’s eyes widened slightly.

“You . . . you don’t mind?” he asked in disbelief.
Perfect twist on brother sister relationships by the way.

“Actually, love, Mr Jay spoke tonight as well. He said you would in fact be carrying on your curriculum on the Pokémon Journey,” Elizabeth explained. Tyson’s eyes flickered.

“What? How?”

“He says you’ll be doing revision along the way. The League is supplying each student with a digital notebook equipped with multiple educational programs. Apparently if you do an hour a day, you’ll be able to take end-of-year exams online, overseen by your mentor to make sure you don’t cheat.” Haley saw the ghost of a smile begin to form on her brother’s face, and felt an identical grin creeping onto her own.

“You mean I can go on the Pokémon Journey . . . and still come back at the end of it and go to university?” he asked in disbelief.

“Pretty much, yes,” Jacob agreed, grinning broadly.

“Are you sure that’d be . . . enough?” Tyson asked uncertainly. “I mean, do you think it would qualify as an education? An hour a day seems awfully fishy . . .”
Don’t you just love these moments, when someone surprises you with something good… XD

Overall, a pretty good story and I’m looking forward to more. However, the philosophy in this fic is pretty deep (unlike most others) hmmm *strokes beard*.
What the hell, you’ve infected me with your freaking beard! *throws it back to Sparkling Dragon, screaming*
XD.
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Misheard Whisper

I also happen to be a model.

Age 24
Male
Nimbasa Gym
Seen September 18th, 2018
Posted September 14th, 2018
3,486 posts
10.9 Years
Thanks for your review, and I'm glad you're enjoying this. No, rest assured this will not revolve around the Three Laws. They may come into play, but at this point they're just filler, really.

Ah! Beard! *runs away screaming to hide behind Shinji-kun* Save me!
Shinji: You're pathetic.
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New Game
~the classic~

Bay

Darkinium Z

Female
Dani California
Seen 3 Hours Ago
Posted 3 Hours Ago
5,797 posts
13.6 Years
I say you did Haley’s perspective well here. You really developed her character really well there, I can really feel the emotions there. :D Also, I just love Jacob here. I wish my dad is like him! XD

There’s one thing I want to mention, though.

“Oh,” he said in a small voice. “I see.” He turned to look at his parents. “What do you think?” he asked.

“If you want to do it, love, we’ve got all the paperwork right here,” Elizabeth said, tapping a stack of paper on the bench behind her. Tyson took a deep breath.

“OK,” he said. “I’m doing it.”
This part I felt you could expand a lot. Here I think you could have Haley be all tense and wonder if her brother will go through this and also try to pick that up by his facial expressions. After Tyson gives his answer, show how she’s all happy and such.

Nothing else to say but I enjoyed this chapter a lot and a good setup for what’s to come. :) Can’t wait next chapter!

Foul Play
[Chapter Nine up!]
Female
Queensland
Seen January 17th, 2017
Posted January 17th, 2017
716 posts
12.1 Years
Thus begins my review…

LegendaryPokémon of Hoenn
LegendaryPokémon
Shouldn’t that be Legendary Pokémon, my friend?

That was the only major mistake I saw. Other than that, the fic so far is quite good. I really liked the last scene in Chapter 2. Sets the atmosphere up quite nicely.
Credit goes to Sgt Shock for my signature and avatar
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