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Xiaolin Showdown: Destiny monks (Need help)

Started by Đ a r κ November 25th, 2006 8:34 PM
  • 1266 views
  • 9 replies

Đ a r κ

Love Intent

Age 25
Male
Tampa Fl
Seen October 28th, 2013
Posted August 27th, 2012
814 posts
13.1 Years
Here is the plot but I want the plot to be longer so please give me some ideas on what I could add and what I could get rid of.

~Plot~
Over two thousand years ago, Omi, Raimundo, Clay and Kimiko fought in a battle against evil that determined the destiny of the earth and during this battle, master fung had died of old age and of a heart attack. After days and days of fighting and using their elemental powers, the battle was won by the four monks. Then as the monks grew older, they started to lose their elements, and their Wudai weapons started getting out of control. Soon it got to the point where the monks died along with the elements, and their weapons left to find their new wielders. As time passed, a new evil started rising and causing havoc using the new element of Darkness. What is the element of darkness you ask, well not much is known about it now but most people say that who ever has that element can control shadows then walk into them and come out somewhere different. The user of this element could also transport others into a shadow of perpetual darkness, which is what he did to wuya when she apposed him. This person with the element of darkness is trying to take over the world and his name is Luke Torom. Soon the Wudai weapons and the elements then found their new masters that would be destined to save the world. As for the Shen Gong Wu, they spread throughout the world in new places awaiting their new users, and as for Dojo, he had been locked in the secret volt at the old Temple for one thousand years waiting for someone to set him free.
L i g h t

Credit Goes To: t w e n t y - t w o . :]

A War Lies Upon The Horizon...Gather Your Heroes & Take Your Places. We're Fighting For The World. Poison/Us

Loki

x

Tokyo, Japan
Seen November 25th, 2018
Posted July 14th, 2016
6,846 posts
14.3 Years
1) I suggest you capitalize things like, 'Shen Gong Wu', 'Kimiko' and spell 'Wudai' correctly, and capitalize that too.

2) Put more detail into what this 'evil organization' is.

3) Uh...spell-checker.

4) This is just kind of something you're supposed to do, but after you end your sentence with a period, you put a space before starting the new sentence. Like so. See? Spaces! Yeah, it makes the whole thing look a little neater.

5) You don't want to get rid of anything. >.< That'll make it shorter then it already is. xD You might want to describe what's going on with past characters, like if Dojo, Master Fung, and Wuya are still around. (Forgive me if I'm being narrow minded, I haven't watched any of the more recent episodes)

6) You may want to describe the new element of Darkness.

There's a lot more, but we'll see what happens with just that. ^^

Đ a r κ

Love Intent

Age 25
Male
Tampa Fl
Seen October 28th, 2013
Posted August 27th, 2012
814 posts
13.1 Years
Ok I edited it, but doesn't really matter since you will be locking this for the new rp helper thing you made but until then I could still use some ideas.
L i g h t

Credit Goes To: t w e n t y - t w o . :]

A War Lies Upon The Horizon...Gather Your Heroes & Take Your Places. We're Fighting For The World. Poison/Us

Loki

x

Tokyo, Japan
Seen November 25th, 2018
Posted July 14th, 2016
6,846 posts
14.3 Years
No, I'm only locking new ones.

Over two thousand years ago, Omi, Raimundo, Clay and Kimiko fought in a battle against evil that determined the destiny of the Earth. During this battle, Master Fung had died of old age, and after days and days of fighting, the battle was won by the four monks. As the monks grew older, they started to lose their elemental power, and their Wudai weapons started getting out of control. Soon it got to the point where the monks died along with the elements, and their weapons left to find new wielders. As time passed, a new evil started rising and causing havoc using the new element of Darkness. What is the element of darkness you ask, well not much is known about it now but most people say that who ever has that element can control shadows, then walk into them and come out somewhere different. The user of this element could also transport others into a shadow of perpetual darkness, which is what he did to Wuya when she opposed him. This person with the element of darkness is trying to take over the world. His name is Luke Torom. Soon the Wudai weapons and the elements then found their new masters that would be destined to save the world, and the Shen Gong Wu? They spread throughout the world in new places awaiting their new users. As for Dojo, he had been locked in the secret vault at the old Temple for one thousand years waiting for someone to set him free.

(Hahaha, you should add, 'and causing quite the noise' at the end of the last sentence)

I edited it a bit to make it seem cleaner and smoother. (And I fixed a few capitalization errors) If you don't like it, ignore that, but another thing you might add that could count as the plot is like,

Fire, Water, Wind, Earth. These elements will band together to fight this new nemesis, and bring peace back to the world!

Or something filler-ish like that. Because, you still need like, two more lines before it looks okay to me. >.<

Đ a r κ

Love Intent

Age 25
Male
Tampa Fl
Seen October 28th, 2013
Posted August 27th, 2012
814 posts
13.1 Years
No, I'm only locking new ones.

Over two thousand years ago, Omi, Raimundo, Clay and Kimiko fought in a battle against evil that determined the destiny of the Earth. During this battle, Master Fung had died of old age, and after days and days of fighting, the battle was won by the four monks. As the monks grew older, they started to lose their elemental power, and their Wudai weapons started getting out of control. Soon it got to the point where the monks died along with the elements, and their weapons left to find new wielders. As time passed, a new evil started rising and causing havoc using the new element of Darkness. What is the element of darkness you ask, well not much is known about it now but most people say that who ever has that element can control shadows, then walk into them and come out somewhere different. The user of this element could also transport others into a shadow of perpetual darkness, which is what he did to Wuya when she opposed him. This person with the element of darkness is trying to take over the world. His name is Luke Torom. Soon the Wudai weapons and the elements then found their new masters that would be destined to save the world, and the Shen Gong Wu? They spread throughout the world in new places awaiting their new users. As for Dojo, he had been locked in the secret vault at the old Temple for one thousand years waiting for someone to set him free. The element of darkness wasn't the only new element, one other element formed which was the element of lightning. With the element of lightning the user can create bolts of lightning out of their hands, and just like the other elements, this one also found it's user. Now that the elements have found their destined user's, they must join together to save the world from eternal darkness.

(Hahaha, you should add, 'and causing quite the noise' at the end of the last sentence)

I edited it a bit to make it seem cleaner and smoother. (And I fixed a few capitalization errors) If you don't like it, ignore that, but another thing you might add that could count as the plot is like,

Fire, Water, Wind, Earth. These elements will band together to fight this new nemesis, and bring peace back to the world!

Or something filler-ish like that. Because, you still need like, two more lines before it looks okay to me. >.<
Ok, I edited this to show what I added.Would that be accepted?
L i g h t

Credit Goes To: t w e n t y - t w o . :]

A War Lies Upon The Horizon...Gather Your Heroes & Take Your Places. We're Fighting For The World. Poison/Us

Loki

x

Tokyo, Japan
Seen November 25th, 2018
Posted July 14th, 2016
6,846 posts
14.3 Years
Over two thousand years ago, Omi, Raimundo, Clay and Kimiko fought in a battle against evil that determined the destiny of the Earth. During this battle, Master Fung had died of old age, and after days and days of fighting, the battle was won by the four monks. As the monks grew older, they started to lose their elemental power, and their Wudai weapons started getting out of control. Soon it got to the point where the monks died along with the elements, and their weapons left to find new wielders. As time passed, a new evil started rising and causing havoc using the new element of Darkness. What is the element of darkness you ask, well not much is known about it now but most people say that who ever has that element can control shadows, then walk into them and come out somewhere different. The user of this element could also transport others into a shadow of perpetual darkness, which is what he did to Wuya when she opposed him. This person with the element of darkness is trying to take over the world. His name is Luke Torom.

Soon the Wudai weapons and the elements then found their new masters that would be destined to save the world, and the Shen Gong Wu? They spread throughout the world in new places awaiting their new users. As for Dojo, he had been locked in the secret vault at the old Temple for one thousand years waiting for someone to set him free. The element of darkness wasn't the only new element, one other element formed which was the element of lightning. With the element of lightning the user can create bolts of lightning out of their hands, and just like the other elements, this one also found it's user. Now that the elements have found their destined user's, they must join together to save the world from eternal darkness.

Yes, Accepted. xD Mind if you'd reserve a spot for me?

Rokuo_Mitarashi

Sad face..........

Age 25
Konohagakure
Seen January 4th, 2014
Posted November 9th, 2013
69 posts
13.7 Years
Can I have a spot? Xiaolin Showdown is one of my favorite shows! One question, can I pick Thunder as an additional element? A fifth element reveals!
DarkSpines Sonic
/\ o /\Master of all Dragons and Dogs!!!
>-_-<My trusty partner Lucario a.k.a Luca!!!
Sisters:Kylie-chanRavena_Mitarashi
Twin:l Matt l
Aunt: Charizard_maa
Cousins:Uzumaki_Naruto Crystal Walrein
Pair: Unpaired
Brother-in-Law:Digital Mage
Beware of the Dog Powers!!!
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