[Pokémon] Ambitious [one-shot]

Hey guys.

So I've never really been properly into writing before, but I've decided I wanted to post a small thing that I got inspired to write when I was drunk one night. It's a one-shot about two Pokémon on an island. It's set in a region I created for a failed hack of mine, but I thought it'd be cool for the concept of the region to live on in at least some form of writing. I might make some more in the future, idk yet :P

So anyways, I'll shut the **** up, here it is.

EDIT: I have a thread for all my one-shots now. here: http://www.pokecommunity.com/showthread.php?t=377049



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Ambitious​

They sat atop the cliff, gazing out at the vast expanse of ocean in front of them. The sun's rays confidently danced on the rocks beneath them, as if it was giving them one last boost of light before it inevitably set. Far below, the waves rhythmically crashed into the rocks, delicately contributing to the network of caves the two figures called their home - as they had done for the majority of their lives.

He held a small plastic cup tightly in his two hands, taking a brief, delicate sip of the fresh water inside before passing it to her.

"You know," he began, his eyes turning from the almost Rothko-esque blue immensity in front of him, "I've always liked finding things like these around here."

She smiled, cautiously taking the piece of plastic in her hands. "Really? I've heard humans see them as trash."

"Yeah, really." He turned his gaze to the ocean. "It reminds me there's a world outside this island. Something I want to experience."

She took a careful drink from the cup. "I guess, being here… we value these things a lot more."

He sighed. "I just wish we weren't so isolated."

"Yeah."

She passed the cup over to him. He took it, almost studying the unnatural characteristics of its material.

A few seconds of silence.

"Have you ever thought about it?" He turned to face her.

"Thought about what?"

"Like, you know…" His voice trailed off as another wave struck the rocks below. "Being trained."

She thought for a moment, her eyes starting to fixate on the piece of plastic in his small hands.

"Sometimes," she carefully answered. "It's a nice thought. Being able to get off this island…"

His eyes continued to analyse the cup's form. "I'd quite like that someday. To be caught by a Trainer, to be able to see the world…" He gazed out over the ocean again. "Can I tell you something secret?"

She paused inquisitively. "I'm listening."

"Someday…" he drew a deep breath, "I'd like to be able to fly."

"Really?"

"Yeah." He took a long, deliberate drink from the cup. "I've always dreamt of being able to fly over the open ocean, to explore this region for what it is rather than have to rely on what I'm told. I've heard stories about so many places that I want to see, so many different kinds of Pokémon that I want to meet. I want to experience things first hand, rather than have to stay here…"

She took in a breath of the warm ocean air. "I know," she responded. "Honestly, sometimes I feel that way too."

"I guess…" He took another sip from the cup. The sun's rays started to shift on the rocks, as the bottom of its surface started to almost kiss the horizon line.

Another wave broke against the cliffside below as the conversation lulled.

"What I really want to do," he started, "is find some way of getting off this island. Even just for a bit."

She smirked. "How are we supposed to do that?"

"We could… improvise," he responded, his mind trying to latch on to whatever ideas it could muster. "We could wait for the next boat and sneak on as stowaways. We could try and climb our way onto the next surfing Lapras we find, we could…"

She chuckled.

"That's the problem with us Bagon, though, isn't it?"

"Hm?"

"We're just too ambitious."

There was a short period of silence. Carefully setting the cup down to his right, he turned to face her, his wide eyes connecting with hers.

"You're right," he answered, smirking slightly. "I guess we kind of are."

"You know," he began, his eyes turning from the almost Rothko-esque blue immensity in front of him, "I've always liked finding things like these around here."

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The description "Rothko-esque" sounds a little weird as I don't know what a Rothko-esque blue is.

I thought this is a cute story of two Bagon wanting to leave the island. I admit to being a bit confused as to what Pokemon the two are but it made sense in the end after one of them mentioned wanting to fly. It would be nice to see them escape, though I can understand if you wat to stop there. Overall great work!

I liked it. I'm kind of a sucker for anything to do with islands or the beach, and this tapped into that nicely. There were some good little details in here, especially the plastic cup. You used that one object to convey a whole lot of information:

• The fact that these two are sharing a drink is a good indicator of how close they are. I'm thinking either close friends or romantically involved.
• The cup is an artifact from the outside world, as the male Bagon mentioned early on. I thought this was a good way to introduce both their isolation and his desire to leave.
• I got the impression that fresh water was scarce on the island: they treat the cup and its contents very cautiously. Perhaps scarceness of resources is another motivating factor for wanting to leave.

I agree with most of what Bay and Bard mentioned, except I think it was fine the way you revealed that they were Bagon at the end. Their species took a back seat to developing their characters and setting up the scene, and I was comfortable not knowing what they were.

That being said, the species reveal wasn't a big "aha" moment for me. You devote a lot of time to it at the end there, which slows down the pacing considerably and, in my opinion, unnecessarily. You could leave out the second-to-last sentence, for instance. Aside from that, there's a couple of other spots with pacing issues that you could strengthen. A notable one is here:

"I guess…" He took another sip from the cup. The sun's rays started to shift on the rocks, as the bottom of its surface started to almost kiss the horizon line.

Another wave broke against the cliffside below as the conversation lulled.

"What I really want to do," he started, "is find some way of getting off this island. Even just for a bit."

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You write that the conversation lulls, but the next thing is the male Bagon talking again. You also broke that part into three paragraphs, which adds a lot of air. Instead, you could do something like this:

"I guess." He took another sip from the cup. The sun's rays started to shift on the rocks, as the bottom of its surface started to almost kiss the horizon line. Another wave broke against the cliffside below. "What I really want to do," he continued, "is find some way of getting off this island. Even just for a bit."

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You can feel the lull in there even without the actual word. I also removed the two line breaks and an ellipses to boot, because the description creates the pause just fine all on its own. You don't need to spell it out for the reader. This concept is generally referred to as "show, don't tell."

Overall, good work! I know we dig pretty deep into stuff that gets posted here, but the intent is to help each other improve. I'd like to see more from you!