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Old 1 Week Ago (11:32 AM). Edited 1 Week Ago by Kitty.
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Kitty Kitty is offline
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A/N - This actually wasn't the thing I talked about in Discord but you KNOW WHAT fine let's get this cringe started. Ok this story used to be under a different name with a different author and I kinda took the idea before (with his permission don't sue me) and revamped it into something more.... idk different. So if you feel like something's familiar something probably is. Also this is 2016 me so if the next few chapters would sound and feel different you know it's the 2019 me and my style probably changed a lot and degraded and-- tl;dr let's actually try to finish this without giving up this time while I still clearly remember the plot I had in mind for this (round 3).

RIGHT RIGHT BEFORE I FORGET Rated .... T? Idk it kinda will have violence.


Prologue - Amnesia


"You need to run!"

"What do you mean, me? Listen. I'll stay here and protect them. You run."

The figure shook it's head, as if it were blinking back tears while doing so. He strained to hear a response; the figure was mumbling too much for it to be audible.

"...run. I... to do..."

With that, he was forcefully shoved and he could barely make out the words that came from the figure as it watched him as his vision faded to black.

"I'm... I still... you... forgive me.."


-

He woke up with a shock that day, only remembering the small fragments of that dream. He sighed, using his paw to calm his breathing. He needed to get out of bed, if he wanted to start the day right...

Wait.

He blinked, only noticing the hospital gown draped on his form, with bandages lining most of his arms. He gave a cautious press and hissed; they still burn. What happened to him anyway? He looked at his surroundings, trying to find something that would give him a sense of recognition in the bare walls of the hospital.

His eyes skimmed over the paintings as well as the pain white wallpaper trying to decorate it, and landed themselves on a long folder with his--presumed--name on the front. He gulped, opening the folder as he prepared for the worst.

Name: Joshua Black
Species: Lucario
Birthday: August 3
Identifying Marks: Dusk eyes, almost like the colour of coal in Oreburgh.

Notes: Third degree burns with the occasional bruises on the arms and appendages. Large bump in the head by blunt object. May have temporary amnesia. The patient still needs to be checked upon by Dr. Audino on Saturday, 5PM.


That was... informative. He sighed, looking at the page for at least more information that would be relevant. Sadly, it was no use. He knew he had amnesia; he couldn't even remember how he got here in the first place! He could get out...

He was about to contemplate jumping out the window when he heard a knock on his door.

"It's open." Joshua called, already expecting a nurse to arrive with the hospital bills. Instead, he was greeted by a Buizel carrying a berry basket, smiling wide when their eyes met.

"Oh hey Josh, you're finally in the land of the living!" He chucked setting the basket down on the nearest table and tossed him a pecha berry, in which he caught with ease.

"Yeah, thanks... Who are you again?" He murmured, taking a small bite. It wasn't his taste, but it had to do. He wondered; what was his taste anyway? He shrugged it off, not noticing the Buizel still smiling as he checked his medical folder.

"Ah right, amnesia." The Buizel murmured, now setting the folder down and straightened himself as if to cue an act. "I," He started, "Am Wade Gilmore. Your chummiest pal, bestest friend, and occasional wingman if you catch my drift." he winked, tipping an imaginary hat as if to bow grandly to the Lucario.

Joshua merely raised a brow. As much as he wanted to say he was lying, his danger senses (he assumed he had one) weren't tingling. He looked at the Pokemon in front of him, now absentmindedly eating on a pecha like there's no tomorrow. He was overall a regular Buizel except for a small detail on the side of his back where he could faintly make out a triangular shaped tattoo.

He would have still kept staring at it if Wade didn't bother to initiate conversation. Thankfully, he did.

"So, any questions? For an amnesiac, you're sure taking this in strides." he commented, still busy over the berry. He rolled his eyes; if it was that easy thinking of questions with surefire answers to, then he would have asked ages ago.

"Okay. First off, what happened to me?" He motioned to himself, concentrating more on the burns than anywhere else. "waking up to this is not exactly my best definition of a good day."

He also wanted to ask of who will be paying the bill eventually, but managed to convince himself not to.

"That... Is an excellent question!" The Buizel beamed, almost as if he enjoyed telling that story like it was a precious bedtime limerick. "You were obviously in a fight with fire."

He growled; not having enough patience to answer stupid remarks. "Anything specific you want to add before i skewer you?"

Wade laughed, "Neat joke. Actually I wasn't there when it happened but you might want to hear Xandra's narrative."

"Xandra?"

"Yeah Josh, she's a hoot. Once we get outta here, I'll take you to her." The Buizel said, shrugging like it wasn't much of a problem. Joshua nodded, now tuning out and buried himself in his thoughts. He wasn't going to get better within a day, he sighed. He could wait until the next few weeks no problem.

After all; taking slow steps was the sign of eventual recovery.
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Old 1 Week Ago (11:49 AM).
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gimmepie gimmepie is offline
 
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I think this is a really good prologue/first chapter. You do an excellent job in hooking the interest of your readers early on and also quickly establish the personalities of your main characters and introduce Pokemon fans to the style of world we're reading. I'll come back and do a more detailed analysis later if you remind me but overall nothing particularly bothersome jumps out at all. My only issue is that for some reason the Audino doctor is just "Dr Audino" whilst the other Pokemon have humanlike names.
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Old 1 Week Ago (8:36 AM). Edited 1 Week Ago by Kitty.
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Kitty Kitty is offline
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A/N - I'm gonna post a chapter when I have an extra one typed. This is so I know I have something to post in the future. :^) So because you're seeing Chapter 1, it means I have Chapter 2 75% completed. It also does mean that there's no posting schedule because I can't handle that kind of commitment-

Chapter 1 - Sunyshore


If he was counting right, it was already three weeks, and the signs of winter were beginning to show. The trees were already starting to turn orange and fall down to the ground, and the wind was picking up. He shivered, taking a mental note to buy winter clothes soon.

His recovery was going extremely well, he commented, looking at the now grown, unburnt fur. It took him a week to get over the worst of his burns, another week to gain proper movement, and the last week in extreme hand-eye coordination.

The Chancey nurses were proud. Normal patients would have needed a month or two to recover. Lucifer... well, his amnesia was acting as his motivation. That, and his best friend.

Wade took his time in helping him recover and train his attacks by inviting him to a match every two days at the gym beside the hospital. It often ranged from simple training dummies (the janitors were very angry during those days; all the poor, substitute dolls...) to all out sparring fights that resulted in various outcomes and the loser buying snacks for the winner, usually Joshua buying Wade some berries.

All in all it was progress.

And soon, Dr. Audino thought it was fit for Joshua Black to finally get out of the hospital, making him promise to pay his hospital bills back when he finally recovered his memory. The Lucario was very thankful for that, and made a mental note to save some cash on the way. Who knows if he was actually pretty poor. This was a very expensive hospital...

-

"Ready to go yet Josh?" Wade asked, burying his head on a magazine labeled Playmon, which consisted of various female Pokemon dressed in rather revealing outfits, each page featuring a different model every time. He smiled, flipping the pages to the middle, where a Lopunny sat seductively, in the traditional Playmon outfit. The Buizel chuckled to himself, then ripped that one page out, folding it neatly and hiding it in his bag. "The bus won't wait forever you know."

Joshua nodded, checking himself out in the new winter outfit he bought with the cash he got from Wade; it was a dark green camouflage coat that complimented his dark eyes well. The insides of the coat were white, synthetic Mareep wool, something that managed to warm him up from the worse windy days. He still needed to buy a scarf though; winter was coming and he wanted to be prepared.

"Finally!" Wade grinned, "Never took you to be concerned of appearances considering... Well whatever, let's just go~ HEY MR. BUS DRIVER HOLD THE DOOR WILL YA?"

“IT’S MRS!”

The Lucario raised a brow and shrugged, and gave one final wave to the nurses before he went inside the bus and took a seat at the back of driver, next to the window. Wade took the one next to him, already munching on Jubichips, a salty snack for only 2 Poke. He grumbled good naturedly and grabbed a chip to munch on. It was adequate enough.

“Hey! That’s not fair--”

“Don’t worry Wade, it’s the first and the last time I’ll be getting chips from you.” He muttered, now looking at the window as he idly looked at the streets of Jubilife. “They weren’t that good anyway.”

Excuuuuuuuse me.” Wade gasped, mock offended as he held the chips closer to his body. “These, are the best budget chips that Jubilife has. I paid 2 Poke for this and they are worth the cash!” He took a chip and ate it, muttering something after. “But yeah they aren’t that great.”

Joshua smirked, now relaxing as he found a comfortable spot between the window and the chair without his appendages being crushed in the process. They were using the bus roads, so there weren’t much to see other than the tops of city buildings and the occasional skyscrapers. “So,” The Lucario started, “Where are we going anyway?”

“Sunyshore City. Remember it?” Wade drawled, still finishing off his chips. “A city that uses solar panels to harness natural energy from the sun. City for the rich, I’ll say.”

“The rich?”

“Yeah.” He nodded, pulling out a map from his pack and pointing to a spot near the edge of it. “See, since it uses solar panels, there’s gotta be maintenance right?” The Lucario hummed his agreement, “Right. Plus the mayor there... he likes to beautify the city. So he placed the solar panels for the town as elevated walkways and required everyone living there to at least have 20% of their homes powered by the sun. You can imagine the monthly costs.”

“I actually can.” In fact, he was excited to see the city. It seemed... really well done. Like a paradise for most Pokemon. “So, it that where Xandra lives?”

The Buizel shrugged, making a 50/50 motion with his paw. “Well, that’s where her condo’s located.” He sighed, “I’m not exactly sure where her true home is. She never told me.”

Joshua hummed, now opting for silence as they were nearing the border of Hearthome. He could barely see the Great Marsh on the horizon as he felt his eyes drooping slowly. He didn’t bother seeing Wade checking if he was sleeping soundly before getting this Xtransceiver and typing something out before placing it back in his pack and closed his eyes after.

-

“Hey, Josh!”

“Mmm...” He mumbled, blinking away tears as he saw faint rays of moonlight passing through the window. “W-where are we?”

“Sunyshore, dumbo! It’s the last stop.” The Buizel grinned, seeming to have a bounce in his step once he finally got out of the bus. “Maaan, I’m starving!” He groaned, scanning the area for a possible restaurant or a ramen chain. “Come on, hurry up!”

“Jeez, can’t even wait for a few minutes can you.” Joshua rolled his eyes, now looking at the city in front of him. It looked even better than how Wade had described it. Almost every building had solar panels in it, and the lighthouse was gorgeous. Trees were littered around the area, often decorated and trimmed to various shapes. There was even a Trading area, filled with Pokemon bartering for precious items. And the platforms...

He had never seen an elevated home before... had he? It felt so new, yet so familiar.

“Cool, ain’t it?” Wade smiled, then pointed to a location up the elevation, near the beach area. “Xandra’s condo is over there.” Joshua looked up to see a small enough house, suitable for at least two Pokemon with walls painted white and decorated with various shells in some accent walls. At the top he could faintly see solar panels gathering some sunlight. The door was closed, but he could see one window opened just enough to let air in.

“It looks...different somehow.” Joshua muttered, looking around. He could vaguely tell the difference with the other elevated condos Sunyshore offered. He couldn’t quite piece what’s different... but he had a small hunch that it isn’t about the physical differences.

Wade, however, shrugged. “Apart from the fact that she preferred shells to flowers in condominium design? Nice touch though.” The Buizel immediately took off towards the nearest stairs, and ran towards the condominium. “Race you there!”

“W-wha---” Joshua barely got to finish his sentence as the Buizel was already far away. He sighed, tempted to just walk towards the area and let Wade have his fun. He couldn’t help but feel nostalgic about the place... and it’s not just because of that Pokemon’s house either.

It’s almost like... this was his home.
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Old 1 Week Ago (6:45 PM).
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Hm so we have a Lucario with amnesia, huh? Even though the amensia trope has been done lots of times, I'm still interested where you'll take this. I'm still trying to get a feel of Joshua's character (he seems pretty blunt so far) while Wade has much more energy than him. Their interactions could still be fun, though.

I'm not sure what to feel about Pokemon in cities not from Pokemon Mystery Dungeon. Guess I'm so used to human trainer in Jublife and Sunyshore that having those cities populated with Pokemon threw me off a bit. Also, I feel Jublife and Sunyshore would take quite a while by bus? Not sure how long that took.

Want to quickly point out a common grammar mistake I noticed.

Quote:
"Yeah, thanks... Who are you again?" He murmured, taking a small bite. It wasn't his taste, but it had to do. He wondered; what was his taste anyway? He shrugged it off, not noticing the Buizel still smiling as he checked his medical folder.

"Ah right, amnesia." The Buizel murmured, now setting the folder down and straightened himself as if to cue an act. "I," He started, "Am Wade Gilmore. Your chummiest pal, bestest friend, and occasional wingman if you catch my drift." he winked, tipping an imaginary hat as if to bow grandly to the Lucario.
When you have a dialogue tag (he said, she told, he murmured, etc) after someone speaks, the pronouns don't get capitalized. So for first bolded point would be: "Yeah, thanks... Who are you again?" he murmured, etc.

Second bold part is trickier. If you have a dialogue tag after someone speaks, comma replaces dialogue. So it would go like this instead: "Ah right, amnesia." The Buizel murmured, now setting the folder down and straightened himself as if to cue an act.

Quote:
“Sunyshore, dumbo! It’s the last stop.” The Buizel grinned, seeming to have a bounce in his step once he finally got out of the bus. “Maaan, I’m starving!” He groaned, scanning the area for a possible restaurant or a ramen chain. “Come on, hurry up!”
Bringing this quote up since this is the right away to have dialogue with a period. Here you have Wade grin and groan, which are not dialogue tags and instead expressions. If you have like, "Wade said, grinning" then you would replace period with a comma.

Woops, went a bit long with that explanation there lol. Hopefully this makes sense, and if not you can probably google on how to write dialogue punctuation and such.

Off to an interesting start so far. Looking forward to more!
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