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  #26    
Old October 7th, 2018 (10:56 AM).
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Like Bay's review, starting with the first four chapters as that's what I've read so far!

I'm enjoying it thus far - it's a nice quiet story with some nice observations on both other characters the protagonist has met so far and the world he's travelling through. You're doing a good job there; yet to be confused about the new settings and each place feels distinct. For instance I liked the notes of how the Pokemon centre in the first town he reached was quite small and felt homely, and how the nurse was tired. Nice details and thought there. Alluding to other regions, e.g. comparing to the Mt Chimney cable car, is also a good idea.

I wasn't surprised that he lost the first battle he had. Not a complaint, mind, more an observation, but the hints before the battle started (e.g. mentioning her Pokemon was special) did give it away. Does give it an extra sense of realism.

Bay already mentioned dialogue and punctuation (don't forget to update old chapters to make simple fixes!), so here's a few other things I noticed.
Quote:
Eloy switched off the TV, the whole business with Blake had left a bad taste in his mouth since he had first heard it and as interested as he was in hearing about this new gym leader, he had no intention of letting Blake’s wrongdoings sour the first day of his journey from halfway across the region.
I have mentioned this elsewhere but sometimes you have run on sentences. Here you could have had, e.g. "...off the TV. The whole business..." to better split up the different subjects. Another example:
Quote:
Eloy wasn’t concerned, once look at the happily bounding along Nidoran made it apparent he was in peak condition.
"wasn't concerned. One look at the..." (Note also once --> one.)
Quote:
“Six hundred, Poke!”
I feel you could remove the comma here. It suggests a pause in speech which sounds misplaced in this instance to me.
Quote:
While gym leaders and professionals in the Champion’s League like the Elite Four were paid a sizeable wage by the Pokemon League Administration, most trainers had win their lunch.
had to win their lunch.
Quote:
As his front legs hit the ground, he threw his weight over them, rotating to back Florence and deliver the first kick with one of his more powerful, hind legs.
This was a bit confusing to read - could use a minor reword in the middle?
Quote:
Deacon had barely returned to his feat when he was engulfed in the intense light of destructive electrical attack
feet.
Quote:
This girl has an awful affect on me.
effect.

Nice start so far. I'll read other chapters soon!
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  #27    
Old October 8th, 2018 (7:12 AM).
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Glad you're enjoying it so far!
Following your advice, I went back and edited those small things you guys all picked up on in chapters 1-4. New chapters will hopefully be posted up during the week.
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  #28    
Old October 11th, 2018 (8:25 AM).
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Brush With the Wild
Eloy halted his forward trek and stretched his arms towards the clear sky above him. He had been walking along the main path between Rosaste and Topa Town for several hours already and the pleasant atmosphere was starting to take its toll. The physical activity wasn’t a problem for Eloy, he was lean but he had grown up working on a farm, but the warmth was pleasant and was starting to make him sleepy.

His surroundings were doing little to help his situation. The road was clear, the glow of the sun flooding the open space while on either side of him thick woodlands rose up, parting to let Eloy through like a biblical sea. From within the depths of the trees the sounds of the wildlife filtered through, a choir and orchestra all in one. The only thing keeping the scenic landscape from putting Eloy to sleep as he walked was Deacon.

Deacon was as always a little pink ball of energy, routinely sprinting well ahead of Eloy and then squeaking at him, nagging his trainer to hurry up and catch up to him. That was until the Nidoran’s forward momentum ceased and he instead put his energy into running laps in and around Eloy’s feat.

That was a signal that Deacon had decided it was now lunch time. A low rumbling from Eloy’s own stomach and it was decided that Deacon was correct.

“Well, can’t argue with that,” Eloy chuckled. He lead Deacon away from the road and into the trees to make sure he wouldn’t risk getting in anyone’s way. A little way off the beaten path he found himself in a small grassy gnoll, the main path just barely visible through the thick plant life.

Eloy set down his bag and pulled out a tin bowl and a bag of Pokemon pellets. He filled the bowl for Deacon and then went to get his own food, stopping when he realised he had another Pokemon partner with him. He hoped Deacon hadn’t noticed that.

“Maestro, lunch time.” Eloy released the Kricketot from its ball with a flash, the small Bug type immediately looking around the area, scanning for danger. “Relax, it’s time for food not fighting.”

Eloy gave Maestro a gentle shove towards the food bowl, turning back to his bag to get his own meal as the bug waddled off. He withdrew a sandwich that was oozing something pink and sticky out the sides and unwrapped it. Truth be told, he had no idea what the pink goo was exactly but he’d seen it on the shelves at the store and there was no way he could go wrong with pink.

A squeak of terror caused Eloy to lose track of his ponderings of the sandwich’s pinkness, he whirled around almost dropping his sticky sustenance in the process. Deacon had, miraculously, looked up from the food dish as Maestro got to it and the Kricketot, the source of the noise, was now rapidly backing up. Not exactly a promising sign to Eloy, who was now realising this was the first time the two had really been able to socialise with each other after their initial battle. That was an oversight on his part and he was going to have to work on that… and Maestro’s cowardice in general.

“Come on, he’s a friend,” Eloy sighed, scooping up Maestro, who for his part screeched in surprise at suddenly being airborne, causing Eloy to wince. Ignoring the unpleasant ringing in his ears, Eloy walked over to the bowl and plopped Maestro back in front of it. Then, he took a seat on the ground in front of the bow, between Deacon and Maestro. “See, you’re fine. Eat up.”

Maestro cautiously leaned toward the pellets, sniffing them before slowly allowing himself to enjoy the food. Frequently, he would glance up at Deacon who was once again unabashedly devouring the lunch he was sharing, for want of a better word, with Maestro.

Eloy sighed again, it was better than it had been a moment ago, but the two were going to have to get used to each other. Deacon had to learn to share and Maestro had to simply get used to having Deacon around. This was another challenge he hadn’t exactly counted on, but he’d just have to deal with it.

He got back to eating his own meal, biting into the bread. A powerfully sweet taste filled his mouth as the glue-like goo hit his taste buds, the sensation practically sucking his lips back into his face like some sort of vortex. The taste wasn’t bad at all but intensely sweet was an understatement. He recognised the flavour of watmel berry in the spread almost immediately. Some might have taken that as their queue to give in, watmel berries were infamous for being sickly sweet, Eloy was not most people. Valiantly, hungrily, he continued to power through the sandwich. The morsel was no match for his sweet tooth.

So engrossed was he in the explosion of flavour overrunning his mouth, Eloy almost missed it when Maestro suddenly froze, staring off into the depths of the trees and Deacon’s ears pricked up curiously. It was a while later, after forcefully swallowing the sticky clump in his his mouth, that Eloy also began to hear the rustling.

Several moments passed before the source of the sound became apparent. From the edge of the gnoll a pack of brown canid Pokemon were emerging. Predominantly they were small, similar in size to Deacon and covered almost entirely in light brown fur that became cream-colored and fluffy around their faces. Sprinkled throughout however were Pokemon twice the size of the smaller ones, similar in appearance but with longer bodies, an overcoat of shaggy dark blue fur and the cream fur on their faces was less widespread, resembling a moustache.

Eloy recognised them almost immediately from their distinctive appearances. The smaller were Lillipup while the larger dogs were Herdier. He’d seen a few domesticated ones in Citri and Avent, but this was his first encounter with the wild variety as they didn’t live in the mountains naturally. Eloy smiled, these Pokemon had a reputation for being very sociable and friendly.

“Hi there,” Eloy greeted the newly arrived Normal types.

The pack started inching forward, teeth barred and a low rumbling growl filled the gnoll. Deacon bristled at the aggressive gesture as Maestro hurried backed away, bumping into Eloy’s leg and letting out a squeak.

“Tot!”

“Calm down,” Eloy said, although his own heart was beating at a million miles an hour and he was fighting to control his own desire to just turn tail and run. Something told him though, that turning his back here wasn’t a great idea.

“Ni!” Deacon snarled, ears flaring up to make himself look as intimidating as possible. The pack didn’t falter, creeping in closer and closer. They weren’t going to be fooled by a threatening display when they had numbers on their side. Besides, several of them were evolved Pokemon.

Deacon snarled at the oncoming threat again, but Eloy knew it wasn’ going to work. He felt the panic taking hold of him now. Several of the aggressive Pokemon had started to foam at the mouth, even the cute Lillipup now looked like vicious nightmare monsters. Then the first one attacked.

A Lillipup lunged aimlessly in their direction with its mouth open wide, displaying its sharp teeth as it attempted a Bite.

Deacon reacted before Eloy could even give a command, dashing forward and jabbing up into the lunging Pokemon’s underside with the now glowing tip of his horn. The Poison Sting deflected the attack and sent the Lillipup tumbling. One attack wasn’t going to be enough to take it out of the fight though and it climbed to its feet, now growling even harder than before. Aggressive barks joined the cacophony of growling.

Two more Lillipup began moving forward ahead of the pack, preparing to launch themselves into the fray. Eloy could feel the sweat beading on his skin, hyper aware of his surroundings and his body as his mind finally raced into gear and produced a coherent thought.

“Maestro, Struggle Bug!” he shouted

“Tot?!” the Kricketot cried out in surprise and shock.

“Quickly!” Eloy yelled, unable to keep the panic out of his voice. There wasn’t time to gently coax Maestro into things and unfortunately he was better equipped for deflecting multiple attacks than Deacon.

Maestro rushed forward as the pair of canines made their move, pouncing after Eloy and his Pokemon. They didn’t manage to hit whichever of the three they were targeting however, as a pillar of blazing crimson light explode up from Maestro and intercepted their attack. The red light expanded outwards, pushing the two Normal types away before fading out the way just before reaching Eloy and Deacon.

“Deacon, Double Kick!” Eloy had turned his head just in time to see the first Lillipup attempting to retaliate against his Nidoran with a tackle. Deacon responded just in time, spinning on his front legs to lash out with his hind legs. This attack held a type advantage and hit the Lillipup much harder, sending it careening past its fellows.

A Herdier was already charging in again now, a terrified cry from Maestro alerting Eloy to the attack. Eloy gave the command for another Struggle Bug, hoping to force it back again.

Once more, the crimson pillar burst into existence to block the path of the attacker. The Herdier was much stronger than it’s pre-evolved form however and even as it took the damage from the attack, it dived through the fierce light.

The Herdier’s jaws locked around Maestro hard and the Bug type screamed out in the kind of pain you would never hear in a normal battle. The Herdier made no move to let go.

Fueled by adrenaline, a herd of Mamoswine rampaging around in his chest cavity, Eloy rushed in without thinking. He kicked the Herdier hard in the head. The raging creature seemed to barely feel the impact, but it was enough to loosen his grip on Maestro, allowing Eloy and his Kricketot to scurry back.

The Herdier hurtled towards Eloy and Maestro with lethal intent and would have mauled the pair of them if not for Deacon running interference. The Nidoran shot in like a bullet, ramming his horn into the Herdier’s side and sending it skidding. His back was open now though and two more Lillipup dived for him.

Suddenly, Maestro, crying out with abject horror all the while, threw himself over the top of Deacon. The first of the duo latched onto the already wounded Kricketot with a vicious Bite as the other one leapt forward to join it. Maestro let loose with his Bide, an intense blast of pure white energy exploding forward from the tiny Bug type, weaponising all the damage he had taken. The Lillipups were blasted through a through a tree, the sound of cracking wood filling the tiny gnoll as it topped over, colliding with others of its kind with a loud bang before it could reach the ground.

That was two Lillipup who wouldn’t be rejoining the battle, but Maestro wasn’t a tough Pokemon ad had taken a lot of damage to make that small dent in their numbers. Eloy was impressed and proud, but there were more pressing concerns that giving a much needed ego boost.

The Normal types were attacking again, fewer staying back each time. More and more of them slipping through Eloy’s attempts at keeping them at bay. Eloy’s Pokemon were sustaining heavy damage and even he was falling victim to attacks. A Lillipup made it past both of his Pokemon and sunk its teeth into his leg. Eloy yelled in pain and before he could even react to the attack was blindsided by a second of the dogs flying at him seemingly out of nowhere and clamping down on his arm. Eloy could feel the blood spilling from his wounds. He didn’t have the thick skin of a Pokemon and wouldn’t survive if he he kept getting bitten like that. He wasn’t even sure his pokemon could make it out.

Still screaming with uncontrollable fear, Maestro threw his body against the Lillipup biting into Eloy’s leg. It wasn’t a proper move, the sagging Bug type just blindly tossed his weight into the Lillipup. It loosened its grip and Eloy kicked at it to knock it away a bit. Struggling to cope with the blinding, burning pain in his limbs, Eloy threw his arm about to loosen the grip of the Lillipup still clinging to him. Feeling a slight relaxing of the pressure on his arm, he grabbed the Pokemon with his free hand and wrenched it off by the scruff of its neck, tossing it over to the other one. Both were back on their feet as Eloy’s shaking legs collapsed out from under him.

“Ni!” a furious cry came, blocking out even the sound of ceaseless barking for a second. With a murderous glare plastered on his face and a Herdier literally still clinging to his back with his fangs, Deacon barreled into one of the Lillipup that had reached his trainer, impaling its flank with the tip of his horn and launching it into the other next to it. Both went flying across the gnoll. The less wounded of the two leapt back to its feet but the one with the more severe injury took the chance to hobble away.

That was three Lillipup somehow out of the battle, and a few more Normal types looking a bit beaten up. The attacks kept coming though and it was clear to Eloy this wasn’t the kind of battle he could win. They just had to find a way to survive. He didn’t understand what was happening, these were Pokemon famed for their friendly demeanours but here they were brutally and maliciously attacking out of the blue. What’s more, some of them just seemed not only unnaturally bloodthirsty but able to dish out more punishment than normal. Eloy had no idea what was going on but he was bleeding pretty heavily from two of his limbs, Maestro was barely on his feet anymore and even Deacon was looking worse for ware.

The next wave of the attack then began. Eloy forced himself to stagger back onto his feet, exhausted and suffering from an unbridled pain like none he’d ever experienced before. He backed up a bit, as did Maestro and Deacon, the Pokemon staying close by his side this time as three of them prepared to take the onslaught.

As a collective, the pack charged for them with a single-minded bloodlust. They were like a single rampaging beast with twenty mouths and eighty sets of claws. One dangerous mass all racing towards the injured trio.

Suddenly, a screech echoed over the gnoll from above. A yellow ray of light shot over the top of one of the Herdier and although it took no obvious damage, it stumbled and latched onto a nearby Lillipup with its teeth causing it to cry out with pain and alarm. Several more of the pack stumbled and fell over the top of their fallen brethren caught by surprise.

Several more of the Normal types pressed the attack, but from the side of the gnoll came two more attacks. A dark purple blob that rocketed into their midst and exploded with surprisingly violent force and a swirling, helix shaped blast of black and purple that cut across their numbers and forced them back.

Bewildered, amazed and thankful all at once, Eloy looked around the area rapidly. Above him he caught sight of a blue Pokemon with small, leathery wings. The first attack, which Eloy now realised was a Confuse Ray, had come from the Zubat. From the side, where the other attacks had come from, emerged a pair of Ghost types. A doll-like Shuppet, seemingly made of a cloth draped over empty space and a stoic Duskull with red light gleaming behind its eye sockets. Behind them came their trainer, she was covered in dirt and her clothes were torn and damaged, but Eloy recognised her instantly.

Team Eloy
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  #29    
Old October 12th, 2018 (10:36 PM).
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Quote:
He got back to eating his own meal, biting into the bread. A powerfully sweet taste filled his mouth as the glue-like goo hit his taste buds, the sensation practically sucking his lips back into his face like some sort of vortex. The taste wasn’t bad at all but intensely sweet was an understatement. He recognised the flavour of watmel berry in the spread almost immediately. Some might have taken that as their queue to give in, watmel berries were infamous for being sickly sweet, Eloy was not most people. Valiantly, hungrily, he continued to power through the sandwich. The morsel was no match for his sweet tooth.
While this is good sensory description, it's also a bit repetitive with the mention of how sweet it is several times.

I liked how you have Eloy try to have Deacon and Maestro get to know one another but Maestro is still uncomfortable, which is expected given his personality. Hopefully Maestro will break out of his shell soon.

Oh dear, didn't expect Lilipup to have that much anger there. Something tells me though this is caused by a certain virus, and if so yikes. And hey again, Lauren. Something tells me she's probably annoyed at saving Eloy there.
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  #30    
Old October 12th, 2018 (10:58 PM). Edited October 12th, 2018 by gimmepie.
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Originally Posted by Bay View Post
While this is good sensory description, it's also a bit repetitive with the mention of how sweet it is several times.

I liked how you have Eloy try to have Deacon and Maestro get to know one another but Maestro is still uncomfortable, which is expected given his personality. Hopefully Maestro will break out of his shell soon.

Oh dear, didn't expect Lilipup to have that much anger there. Something tells me though this is caused by a certain virus, and if so yikes. And hey again, Lauren. Something tells me she's probably annoyed at saving Eloy there.
Yeah I'm gonna go back with a thesaurus and fix that bit up in a little while.
Might do that for the Melanie and Blake interlude as well since I was a touch too repetitive there. Not saying a word about the rest ;)
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  #31    
Old October 14th, 2018 (8:23 AM).
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In case anyone wanted a clearer idea of what Layla and Gwen look like, Kitty made something awesome as a gift for me.

Spoiler:
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  #32    
Old 4 Weeks Ago (7:19 PM). Edited 3 Weeks Ago by gimmepie.
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Dogs of War
“Are you okay?” Lauren breathed, quickly making her way to Eloy with her Pokemon keeping between her and the wild canines as the rabid Lillipup and Herdier started to get a grip on themselves.

“Oh yeah, having the time of my life,” Eloy joked, clutching his arm in an attempt to staunch the bleeding. He could see that Lauren had suffered bites and scratches of her own, although none nearly as severe as his own.

“Don’t worry about this,” Lauren said suddenly, as if she’d read his thoughts “It’s mostly from running through the woodlands than from Pokemon attacks, and the worst of those I have are graze from near misses.”

Eloy nodded, they didn’t have time for conversations. The pack was back together again, and although more cautious now, was closing in on the trainers and their teams. Eloy began running through scenarios in his mind. While they had increased their numbers, the pack still outnumbered them pretty significantly and they were all worse off than the canines.

“We could escape under Haze cover,” Eloy suggested, not taking his eyes off of the slow approaching Normal types.

“They’d just follow us by scent. They don’t need to pinpoint us, just follow the general direction until they’re on us.” Lauren shook her head, her attention also focused on the incoming threat.

“I guess we have no choice but to fight.”

“We might be able to beat them together,” Lauren said “Our Pokemon are properly trained after all… but there’s a problem.”

“Problem?” Eloy did not like the sounds of that.

“Yeah, we don’t have long before the Stoutland gets out from under the pile of logs I left him under. I’m an okay trainer, but Mort, Marion and Echo were losing three on one. It’s really, really powerful.”

“Oh.” Eloy nearly dropped back to the ground hearing that. He couldn’t help but feel a sense of crushing defeat. He could maybe imagine beating the pack, but he couldn’t fathom then somehow defeating a monster Stoutland on top of that. He didn’t get more time to ponder his situation however as the pack took that moment to attack again.

Ten of them attacked at once, three Herdier and seven Lillipup, all of them suddenly rushing forward to close the last small amount of distance. They didn’t bare their fangs this time though, instead they just charged forward with strong Tackles and Take Downs. Eloy could tell that they intended to barrel over them and then savage them when they were down. Lauren reacted first and Eloy rushed to provide support.

“Echo, use Air Cutter!” Lauren instructed.

“Maestro, Struggle Bug!” Eloy followed suit.

A flurry of cutting blades of air halted the forward charge just before the mass of Normal types reached the kill zone. The the red glow of Maestro’s Struggle Bug pushed the weaker Lillipup’s back, although the Herdier could endure it. Both trainers followed up on the attacks immediately.

“Mortimer, Dark Pulse!”

“Deacon, hit one with Double Kick!”

The Duskull unleashed the spiralling Dark Pulse, the swirling black and purple of the attack striking one of the three Herdier and rocketing it back into the pack behind it. The remaining two at the forefront turned to face the Ghost type, allowing Deacon to dash in unmolested and deliver to hard kicks to one closest to him with his rear legs.

The Herdier tumbled across the grass, taking super-effective damage from the Fighting move. Deacon was left open now though, with his back turned to the third Herdier. Deacon wheeled around, but the Herdier was already diving for him, jaws open wide. A purple projectile intercepted though and in an explosion of purple sludge the third assailant was blasted back into one of its companions as it tried to regain its feat. Marion, the Shuppet, giggled at the sight, having been the one to let loose the Gunk Shot.

A wave of Lillipup suddenly rushed forward, but Lauren gave the order to block their path. Mortimer shot out another nefarious-looking Dark Pulse as Echo attacked with another Air Cutter. The joint attacks blasted the smaller canines away with ease as a Herdier rushed in past them.

“Poison Sting!” Eloy called. Deacon rushed the Herdier, striking it with the glowing tip of his horn and knocking it back. It wasn’t enough to down the Herdier though and it attacked again.

“Wing Attack, Echo!” The Zubat dive bombed the Herdier, its wings glowing a vivid white as it struck the Normal type with one of them in the surprise attack. The Herdier was knocked back to the ground, but it was already moving to stand again, all the while growling and barking furiously.

“Again!” Eloy shouted, and Deacon silenced the Herdier with another Poison Sting into its side. The Herdier fainted on impact and dropped like a heavy sack. For all that effort though, the Herdier and one of the Lillipup were the only enemies to go down and every passing moment meant they were closer to having to face down the Stoutland Lauren ad fought.

As if it had heard Eloy’s thought, a howl rose up from the trees in the distance. Several of the assembled canines howled in response as the rest continued to bar and growl menacingly at Eloy, Lauren and their Pokemon. Eloy felt his body go into overdrive, pumping out the adrenaline like crazy as it prepared for the incoming threat. Time was running out.

Another wave attacked, four Lillipup and one Herdier, the five Pokemon racing forward after Deacon who was separated from the ranged attacking Mortimer, Maestro and Marion and the flying Echo. He backed up as Lauren’s Pokemon provided cover, another Dark Pulse and Air Cutter blocking the way. Or so it seemed.

A single Lillipup made its way through, bursting forth from the soil dust churned up by the attacks and ramming hard into Deacon. Deacon tumbled back and the Lillipup and the other Pokemon behind it all charged.

“Protect him!” Lauren called. She didn’t give a specific attack instruction, but her Pokemon leapt into action as though they had rehearsed for that moment. A Dark Pulse and Gunk Shot flew into the four Pokemon further behind, exploding against the ground as the Normal types were forced to abandon their attack and scatter. Echo dived down from the sky again, purple glowing fangs clamping down on the remaining Lillipup. Echo kept flying, dragging the struggling Pokemon along the ground with the Poison Fang and only dropping it near the edge of the clearing. That one was knocked out.

“That was the Stoutland!” Eloy shouted in desperation, as if he could drive it away with sheer force of voice and will.

“Fighting retreat,” Lauren replied harriedly, not taking her eyes off the enemy Pokemon. “We have to run before it gets here.”

Eloy nodded his reply, even without the Stoutland he needed to get away so he could bandage his arm before he passed out from blood loss.

“Mort, Marion, use Dark Pulse and Gunk Shot again!” Lauren called, backing away towards the trees behind her as her Ghosts attacked again. Blast of dark energy and toxic projectile both shot into the midst of the Normal types as they advanced again. Several of the canines were sent reeling by the assault as others dived out the way.

Taking the chance they had, Lauren and Eloy turned and ran, their Pokemon joining them in their attempted escape. Eloy returned Maestro as they sprinted, the injured Kricketot too hurt to keep up on its stumpy legs. Mortimer was slow too, but the Ghost type cleverly kept up by chaining Shadow Sneaks, his form sinking into the ground to rise up ahead of them, sinking once more as they caught up.

“Air Cutter!” Lauren called out, and from above Echo let loose with the attack, felling some of the less stocky trees and using them to help slow the Normal types who were giving chase. Three Lillipup made it past the trees as they fell, barking like bloodthirsty hounds of hell. “Air Cutter again!”

Echo once more flapped its wings hard, the shimmering blades of air intercepting the Lillipup and knocking them back into the mess of branches behind them. Despite the effort, one of them easily rejoined the chase and now was joined by a pair of Herdier that had managed to power through.

“Gunk Shot, Marion!” Laughing maniacally, the Shuppet wheeled around and launched another purple globule at their pursuers like a missile as she floated backwards. One of the Herder avoided the attack, but the other and the Lillipup were struck by the powerful Poison move. The remaining Herdier hurtled after them, quickly closing the gap despite the distance between them.

“How is it that fast?!” Eloy yelled “Deacon, Poison Sting!” As the Herdier reached them, Deacon whirled around as rammed it with the tip of his horn alight with its purple glow. The Herdier was slammed into a nearby tree hard enough to fill the air with the sound of cracking wood.

“Dark Pulse!” Mortimer unleashed the attack again, the blast propelling the Herdier straight through the tree and causing the lumber to fall across the space behind them, another obstacle for the pursuing Normal types to deal with.

Eloy and Lauren kept up their forward dash, soon exploding out of the trees and onto the road again. Panting the stopped for a second to catch their breath, they knew they didn’t have time to rest though.

“What is going on?” Eloy puffed

“I don’t know, but I can hear them coming,” Lauren replied, chest heaving. Without another word, the pair took off along the road at a sprint again with their Pokemon close at hand. They wouldn’t be safe until they reached Topa Town.

Team Eloy
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  #33    
Old 4 Weeks Ago (3:39 PM).
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    Ei, so Eloy be catchin' his first Pokémon outside the Nidoran (male edition). This was a good chapter (the actual chapter five cue Vragon facepalming). I will say the beginning felt a little slow, but when you got the krikitot, I had a hunch things would get interesting and they did.

    one thing though.
    Quote:
    Originally Posted by gimmepie View Post
    Deacon rounded on the struggling Kricketot and shot forward like a bullet. He struck the Nidoran with his horn and set it hurtling backwards, churning up the ground as it landed hard and rolled back onto its feet.

    Once more, the Kricketot rolled back to its feet, swaying as the brief but severe beating it had taken began to take its toll. Then a brilliant, ferocious blast of white light erupted forward from the Kricketot in the direction of Deacon and Eloy. The blazing, vivid beam of energy a shot of destruction incarnate that sent both Deacon and Eloy’s eyes wide.
    This section confused me. If Deacon is the one attacking the horn and Kricketot's to my knowledge don't have horns, then shouldn't it be "he struck the Kricketot"? I mean, if Deacon does get hit fine then, but the next paragraph doesn't set up a striking move again and later you talk about a Kricketot abiding by a bide's rules.


    Other than that, Eloy is still that overassuming well intentioned boy that surprisingly didn't get the "Growl" thing. I mean...yeah it's called "Growl" but it's a noise....I dunno it was one of those, "Wait you didn't know what?" moments.

    So now we have Eloy with a Deacon and a Maestro I'm sensing a pattern. Overall good chapter.
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      #34    
    Old 4 Weeks Ago (5:07 PM).
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    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Vragon2.0 View Post
    Ei, so Eloy be catchin' his first Pokémon outside the Nidoran (male edition). This was a good chapter (the actual chapter five cue Vragon facepalming). I will say the beginning felt a little slow, but when you got the krikitot, I had a hunch things would get interesting and they did.

    one thing though.

    This section confused me. If Deacon is the one attacking the horn and Kricketot's to my knowledge don't have horns, then shouldn't it be "he struck the Kricketot"? I mean, if Deacon does get hit fine then, but the next paragraph doesn't set up a striking move again and later you talk about a Kricketot abiding by a bide's rules.


    Other than that, Eloy is still that overassuming well intentioned boy that surprisingly didn't get the "Growl" thing. I mean...yeah it's called "Growl" but it's a noise....I dunno it was one of those, "Wait you didn't know what?" moments.

    So now we have Eloy with a Deacon and a Maestro I'm sensing a pattern. Overall good chapter.
    Whoops, it's meant to say Kricketot. I'll go back and fix that :')
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    Old 4 Weeks Ago (9:32 PM).
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    Quote:
    Taking the chance they had, Lauren and Eloy turned and ran, their Pokemon joining them in their attempted escape. Eloy returned Maestro as they sprinted, the injured Kricketot too injured to keep up on its stumpy legs. Mortimer was slow too, but the Ghost type cleverly kept up by chaining Shadow Sneaks, his form sinking into the ground to rise up ahead of them, sinking once more as they caught up.
    Bolded part repetitive with "injured" there.

    Quote:
    “Gunk Shot, Marion!” Laughing maniacally, the Shupper wheeled around and launched another purple globule at their pursuers like a missile as she floated backwards.
    "Shuppet." Also want to comment how I liked what you did with Marion's personality there.

    All right so this continues off from last time with Eloy and Lauren trying to get away. The action in this flows fine and easy to follow. There were a couple parts where it gets a bit mechanical though.

    Quote:
    The Herdier tumbled across the grass, taking super-effective damage from the Fighting move. Deacon was left open now though, with his back turned to the third Herdier. Deacon wheeled around, but the Herdier was already diving for him, going in for a Bite. A purple projectile intercepted though and in an explosion of purple sludge the third assailant was blasted back into one of its companions as it tried to regain its feat. Marion, the Shuppet, giggled at the sight, having been the one to let loose the Gunk Shot.
    First thing here is you have "super-effective" damage. I think the wording would work better if you describe the damage (any cuts/scrapes, pain noises, etc). Then there's "going in for a Bite." Something like, "its jaws wide open" would sound less mechanical.

    Here's to hoping the two will get to town safety. Looks like they're gonna need it.
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      #36    
    Old 3 Weeks Ago (6:05 PM). Edited 3 Weeks Ago by gimmepie.
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    Snip
    Made most of the suggested changes.
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    Old 3 Weeks Ago (9:05 PM). Edited 3 Weeks Ago by gimmepie.
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    Night Run
    The moon was now high in the sky and the warm daytime air had gone cold. A dark mass rose up on either side of the road unpierced by the light from above. The night was clear, unblemished by light pollution. A breathtaking veil of glittering stars covered the sky.

    Eloy would have stopped to stare at the beauty above him, but an ominous growling and howling pervaded the air. The chilling sound emanating from the shadowy mass of trees to his left. The pack seemed to be following slowly, not pursuing at their full speed. Neither he, Lauren or their Pokemon were prepared to stop for long though. So far they had stopped only twice, and one of those times had been for Lauren to bandage the wound on Eloy’s arm.

    “We should be able to see Topa Town soon,” Lauren said, breaking the silence that had befallen them.

    Eloy was pleased to hear that, his arm was throbbing and he needed to get it properly treated and his legs were on fire from lack of rest. They’d sprinted as long as they could at first before slowing to a jog and eventually a brisk walk. They didn’t dare take more than a few minutes when they had rested and tried to move as fast as they could without expending the energy they needed to keep in reserve in case the pack of Lillipup and Herdier returned.

    “Good,” Eloy replied “if I don’t get off my feet soon they might actually fall off.”

    “I’d be more worried about your arm. Besides we’ve only been on the run for about eleven hours.” Lauren smiled warmly.

    “Oh, is that all?” Eloy grinned back, chuckling. He wasn’t sure what to make of Lauren yet. She rarely spoke first, but when she did talk she seemed confident and friendly. He couldn’t tell how much of her demeanour was the cause of their circumstances and how much was her actual personality. Either way, he was glad for her company. As much as he loved Deacon, he had come to appreciate that human conversation was a calming exercise.

    “The town should come into view in about half an hour,” Lauren continued “It shouldn’t be too much longer to actually get to it from there.”

    “You hear that Deacon?” Eloy said to his Nidoran, the Pokemon moving uncharacteristically slow and close to Eloy with his constantly pricked up ears, listening to the calls of the pack in the distance. “We’re almost home free and you’ll be able to relax soon.”

    “Ni!” Deacon responded enthusiastically. Mortimer, on the other hand, remained silent, floating calmly by Lauren’s side. Eloy had to remind himself the Ghost type hadn’t been returned to his ball with Marion and Echo at times. It was hard to see his grey form in the darkness with only the glowing red from his eye sockets giving him away. Eloy got the impression he was always on the quiet side.

    “He’s like a sentinel,” Eloy said, surprised to find he’d voiced the thought out loud. “Uh… Mortimer I mean.”

    “You’d be surprised,” Lauren replied, smiling to herself “He’s the curious sort really. He likes to watch and take everything in. Sometimes though he’ll do something completely out of the blue just to see what will happen. That tends to catch people off guard because they assume he’s very solemn. People tend to have misconceptions about Ghost types. If they’re quiet like Mort, then they’re serious guardians of the dead or something. If they’re more energetic like Marion, they’re malevolent pranksters or worse. Although, malevolent prankster isn’t entirely off the mark with Marion.”

    “I guess that makes sense. It’s probably what we get for labelling them the Ghost type to begin with.”

    “Yeah, that’s pretty much it. Meanwhile, here we are getting attacked my murderous Lillipup and Herdier. Goes to show that you never really know what to expect. Some types of Pokemon have unnecessarily bad reputations and some can be surprisingly vicious.”

    Eloy listened intently. Lauren seemed to have a reverence for Ghost types that he found surprising. From what he knew, Ghost types were not very popular among trainers but here he was walking with someone who kept at least two in her company and who talked about them with the utmost respect.

    “I guess you’re right. Ghost types are a rarity where I’m from but even I’ve heard the superstitions.”

    The conversation went on like that as the pair of trainers continued their exhausted trek towards Topa Town. If not for the circumstances of their reunion, it would have been a pleasant evening. As it were though, the conversation merely served as a distraction from the potential attack the trainers were forced to live in fear of.

    As it was, Topa Town soon came into view in the distance. It was a small settlement, similar in size to Avent, that appeared suddenly in a wide clearing, the road running straight through the centre of the town. From what Eloy could tell from the lights shimmering from between the trees, the town actually extended into the woods with houses appearing in small clearings devoid of trees. It was like Topa was growing out of the forest instead of taking its place. It was unlike anything Eloy had expected.

    “That’s different,” he stated in his surprise.

    “Topa Town makes every effort to integrate with nature instead of overrunning it,” Lauren explained “While there’s hardly any forest left around Techniti, they’re making a point of living as green as they can.”
    “Impressive,” Eloy said. It sounded to him like Lauren was familiar with the town and he was about to ask if she had been there before when suddenly Deacon let out an alarmed cry.

    Eloy, Lauren and Mortimer all froze at the sound, looking at the Nidoran who was sniffing at the air and listening intently. As his partner did so, Eloy did his best to survey the area himself, shining torchlight into the trees. It occurred to him then that he could no longer hear the sound of the pack.

    “Is it just me, or is it eerily quiet?” he asked, straining his ears.

    “I have a really bad feeling about this,” Lauren said in reply. She too was looking around in search of a threat, but everything around them was still and silent.

    “Ni!” Deacon cried out at the top of his lungs. Eloy wasn’t waiting for clarification on his meaning. They couldn’t hear the Lillipup or Herdier anymore because the pack was stealthily stalking them.

    “Run!” Eloy shouted, taking off at a sprint for Topa Town. Lauren was right on his heels, grabbing a pokeball from her belt as she ran.

    The barking and growling started up the instant they started running, efforts at stealth forgotten once the pack knew they’d been made. The noises were alarmingly close. Eloy couldn’t make out any sign of the Normal types in the darkness but he could hear them hurtling through the brush.

    “Where are they?!” he shouted in his panic.

    “Close! Too close!” Lauren yelled in response, Eloy could hear the same fear in her voice as he did in his own.

    There was a flash of light as Lauren released Echo from her ball, the Zubat immediately flying up to loop around above them. Faint clicking sounds could be heard as she echolated, searching for the incoming threat.

    As Echo searched, Eloy continued to sprint for Topa Town alongside Lauren. His lungs were burning and his heart hammered in his chest. His limbs ached from the strain but he didn’t dare slow down.

    Echo screeched above them and as Eloy looked up he saw the faint distortion and shimmer of her Air Cutter flying into the depths of the forest. He heard the impact of the attack on the ground and splitting wood where it struck trees.

    From either side of the road, the pack emerged from the trees at full speed. Meeting in the middle on the road without slowing down as they continued their forward chase. The cacophony of their bloodthirsty barking reached its peak as they chased down Eloy and Lauren.

    “We’re not going to make it!” he yelled between breaths

    “We don’t have much of a choice,” Lauren panted.

    Despite that affirmation, the pack was steadily gaining on them. It wouldn’t be long now before they were at the mercy of twenty or more sets of ravenous fangs.

    “Echo, Air Cutter! Mort, Dark Pulse!” Lauren called. Mortimer turned and launched the attack, nearly invisible in the darkness, as he floated back while the shimmering Air Cutter came from above. Both the attacks hit the mass of mouths and claws that was the pack with an audible sound, sending dust from the road up upon the collision. The pack kept coming, those who had been struck by the attack simply climbing to their feet and rejoining the chase from its rear.

    “We don’t have that kind of range,” Eloy heaved, pushing his body to its limits “Closest alternative is Maestro’s Struggle Bug.”

    “Don’t worry about it, just run!” Lauren shouted, punctuating her response with another attack instruction. Once again Mortimer and Echo let loose with their attacks and once more they made little difference.

    Eloy was feeling the noose around his neck now. He was struggling to keep running and there was still several hundred metres between them and Topa Town. He knew logically that there was no way they’d make it. He could tell they were starting to slow down. The pack was not having the same problem and would soon reach them.

    Eloy felt his body began to betray him, his limbs felt heavy with exhaustion and he was barely moving faster than a jog. There was only seconds between him and imminent death.

    Something rocketed down from the sky, landing between Eloy, Lauren, their Pokemon and the pack of Lillipup and Herdier. It cooed calmly, reassuringly. Eloy felt himself stagger to a halt, surprised. At first he thought it had been Echo moving to intercept the pack, but this Pokemon was avian and larger. It took a few moments before he registered that he was looking at a Noctowl.

    The pack reached the bird, but stopped suddenly. The Noctowl didn’t budge. It simply continued to coo calmly even as the Lillipup and Herdier growled and menacingly bared their teeth. The Noctowl spread its wings wide and suddenly flapped them hard.

    A monumental gust of wind blasted the assembled pack, increasing in intensity with each flap of the bird’s wings. Soon the pack was propelled down the road by the force of the wind, colliding with trees and skidding along the dirt.

    The Noctowl folded its wings and the onslaught immediately ceased. The bird cokced its head to the side, watching and waiting. The pack barked and growled but did not attack again. Instead they slowly slunk back into the trees.

    Eloy and Lauren collapsed to ground, huffing and puffing. The Noctowl standing guard over them while they recuperated.

    “Thank you,” intoned Lauren, Eloy coughing out his own thanks along with her. The bird simply cooed serenely, apparently not perturbed.

    “I don’t suppose that’s your Noctowl?” Eloy asked Lauren, eventually finding the strength to climb to his feet.

    “I don’t have any Flying types aside from Echo.” Lauren shook her head and pushed herself to her own feet.

    “I wonder whose it is. It seems too powerful to be wild,” Eloy said.

    “Maybe we’ll find out in Topa Town,” Lauren said “Could be it was sent out to guard against the Lillipup and Herdier.” She returned Echo with a word of gratitude.

    Apparently deeming the pair of trainers safe, the Noctowl opened its wings and returned to the sky, flying in the direction of Topa Town. Eloy and Lauren followed along in its wake, eventually reaching their destination as the Noctowl turned back and made its way back in the direction they came from.

    Team Eloy
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      #38    
    Old 3 Weeks Ago (11:50 PM).
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      Starting from mid-way through here and reading your most recent chapter (I'm not great at reading bug chunks and sticking to it) so sorry if I am missing anything in my review.

      As far as characters and characterisations go, I was able to easily pick up who was who - which was great - and I could tell that Lauren and Eloy both had different distinctive characters through the way they interacted with each other. I particularly enjoyed their exchange regarding ghost types and their "reputation", which made me think quite a lot myself.

      All in all, the chase sequence felt quite authentic and was paced well - it wasn't too short or too long and had a nice flow to it.

      A few little grammar gremlins:

      I thought your use of vocabulary in places was lovely but there are a few places where some synonyms or rejigging could make it better as there's some repetition appearing.

      Quote:
      Eloy would have stopped to stare at the beauty above him, but an ominous growling and howling pervading the air.
      Tense: simple past, pervaded.
      Quote:
      “We should be able to see Topa Town soon,” Lauren said, breaking the silence that and befallen them.
      *had
      Quote:
      “You hear that Deacon?” Eloy said to his Nidoran, the Pokemon moving uncharacteristically slow and close to Eloy with his constantly pricked up, listening to the calls of the pack in the distance.
      What's pricked up?
      Quote:
      The conversation continued on like that as the pair of trainers continued their exhausted trek towards Topa Town.
      Repetition.
      Quote:
      As it was, Topa Town soon came into view in the distance. It was a small town, similar in size to Avent Town, that appeared suddenly in a wide clearing, the road running straight through the centre of the town. From what Eloy could tell from the lights shimmering from between the trees, the town actually extended into the woods with houses appearing in small clearings devoid of trees. It was like the town was growing out of the forest instead of taking its place. It was unlike anything Eloy had expected.
      Much town.
      Quote:
      Echo screeched above them and as Eloy looked up he saw the fain distortion and shimmer of her Air Cutter flying into the depths of the trees. He heard the impact of the attack on the ground and splitting wood where it struck trees.

      From either side of the road, the pack emerged from the trees at full speed.
      *faint
      Trees used thrice fairly close to each other, could replace the first one with forest?
      Quote:
      Apparently deeming the pair of trainers safe, the Noctowl opened its wings and returned to the sky, flying in the direction of Topa Town. Eloy and Lauren followed along in its wake, eventually reaching Topa Town as the Noctowl turned back and made its way back in the direction they came from.
      Just seems too close for comfort for me here, maybe the second one could be "the settlement" or something similar instead?

      All in all, I liked it and and interested to see where things go :smile: Keep it up!
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        #39    
      Old 3 Weeks Ago (4:49 PM). Edited 3 Weeks Ago by gimmepie.
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      Originally Posted by FlaafyFTW View Post
      Snip
      Whoops, uploaded a messy one there. Made changes according to your recommendations. I'm pleased you enjoyed the read!
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      Old 3 Weeks Ago (12:56 AM). Edited 3 Weeks Ago by gimmepie.
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      Catch a Bad One
      Eloy yawned and stretched as he entered the Pokemon Centre’s lobby. His arm was still throbbing beneath its fresh new bandage and he was stiff and sore all over from his and Lauren’s mad escape from the Lillipup and Herdier.

      For a moment, Eloy almost thought he was back in Rosaste Town. The building was outfitted almost identically to the Centre in the previous town, but closer inspection revealed that it was quite a bit smaller. It was like a miniature replica of Rosaste’s Pokemon Centre.

      Eloy located Lauren sitting in the small cafe area with a short stack of pancakes in front of her. She’d ditched her damaged clothes from before and donned a black pokeball print t-shirt and jeans. Mortimer floated by her side, silent but quizzically prodding the pancakes.

      “Morning,” Eloy greeted her, taking a seat opposite her. He smiled, noticing Mortimer wave at ihm before returning to his investigation. “I see what you mean about his curious personality.”

      “You haven’t seen anything yet, trust me. Sleep well?”

      “Like an extremely sore log.” Eloy punctuated the sentence with another stretch and yawn. The cafe’s lone waitress took that as her queue to approach their table.

      “Coffee?” the young woman asked.

      “I’m more of a hot chocolate kind of a guy,” Eloy responded.

      “That can be arranged too.” The waitress gave a forced smile and chuckle and headed back behind the counter to get the order.

      “I don’t think I’m ever going to get used to the fake smiles they all put on in these Pokemon Centres,” Eloy sighed.

      “I’ve never really thought much about it,” Lauren replied between bites of her breakfast.

      The waitress brought back Eloy’s hot drink. He paid her and began to gladly sip the sweet beverage. For a while he and Lauren just sat there enjoying the meal. It soon occurred to Eloy though, that it was unusual for the waitress to be the one to take his money.

      “Hang on, shouldn’t I have paid at the counter?”

      “It’s because it’s so quiet. She probably just wanted something to do,” Lauren answered “Most of the other patrons have gathered outside already. They’re taking volunteers to help round up that pack. Apparently they’ve been a problem for a solid week or so. I’m thinking I’ll probably help out but there’s still a while before the talk about it is meant to start.”

      “Makes sense,” Eloy said “I guess I’ll go too.” He hadn’t even wanted to think about the events of the previous day in truth, but if Lauren was prepared to face the pack again he couldn’t be the one to back down.

      They didn’t say much else, quietly finishing their breakfast - although that was a loose term for Eloy’s drink. Then, Lauren suggested it was about time to head outside to listen to the volunteer briefing. Eloy collected his pokeballs from the nurse’s desk and headed outside to join her.

      Including them, Eloy counted about ten volunteer trainers as well as a handful of trainers dressed in bright red-orange uniforms: pokemon rangers. The person who attracted the most attention for Eloy however, was a woman standing at the forefront of the group with one of the male rangers.

      She was unassuming in appearance, in her forties and dressed in plain jeans and a charcoal-colored long sleeved shirt. Her hair was shoulder length, brown and curly and held in place with a blue bandanna. A belt bearing six ordinary pokeballs hung loosely from the loops on her pants. Eloy recognised her immediately, Nora of the Elite Four.

      “Lauren, do you know who that is?” he asked excitedly

      “No idea, but everyone is staring at her like she’s the messiah.”

      “That’s Nora. She’s an Elite Four member that specialises in Normal types. I bet that was her Noctowl last night!” Eloy’s jaw practically hit the ground. He couldn’t believe Lauren didn’t recognise one of the five best trainers in Sigia.

      “Oh really? That would explain why it was so powerful.” To Eloy, the reply wasn’t exactly satisfactory. He couldn’t believe that Lauren was so nonplussed by the Nora West was standing in front of them. He was about to follow up on his thoughts on the matter when the ranger the Elite Four member had been talking to coughed to get their attention.

      “Okay, looks like this is everyone we can expect,” he began “I’m Captain Rhys Clarkson from the Sigia Ranger’s Guild. First of all, I’d like to thank those of you who are volunteering to help us out with this problem, especially to Nora of the Elite Four who took a detour to be here and whose Noctowl has been keeping guard of the town during the nights. Ordinarily we’d have dispatched a full ranger troup to deal with this, but we’re a bit short staffed right now.”

      Eloy barely even heard the introduction he was watching Nora so intensely. She had a perfectly calm, natural smile plastered on her face. It was like this was just an ordinary day out for her. She seemed totally oblivious to the numerous awed faces directed her way. Eloy wondered how many of the volunteers were staying just to work with her.

      “The way this will work is pretty simple,” Captain Clarkson continued “We’ll be splitting into teams. Each team will be lead by myself, one of the other rangers or by Nora. We have a bunch of green painted pokeballs here. The goal is to catch the entirety of the pack in these balls and then return them to us here. We’ll take them back to the guild HQ in Techniti City to be examined and once we work out why they’ve gotten so aggressive and fixed them up, if we can fix them up, we’ll release them back into their territory. Please don’t try to keep any of the pack, you’ll only cause trouble for yourself and others.”

      The next few moments consisted of safety protocols being detailed and the captain splitting everyone up into groups. Eloy couldn’t help the massive grin that spread on his face as Nora approached he and Lauren.

      “I’ll just take these two since they seem to know each other, Rhys,” she said, maintaining her pleasant smile as she spoke.

      Eloy felt his stomach turn flips at those words.

      “Pleased to meet you!” he greeted the woman enthusiastically, trying to ignore the amused smirk Lauren was failing to hide and Mortimer’s intensely curious stare.




      It wasn’t long after that Eloy found himself trekking through the forest with Lauren and one of the best trainers in the region. Things fell unusually silent as he realised that he had no idea what to say in the presence of such a legend. This naturally meant that Lauren was also quiet on account of her tendency to not start talking much unless spoken to first.

      “You two can relax you know,” Nora said with a pleasant laugh “I’m a trainer like you, not royalty.”

      Eloy looked across at Lauren, apparently Nora hadn’t noticed that it was only Eloy that was struggling not to explode in a blaze of pure excitement and worship like some sort of bizarre deferential star.

      “Sorry, I’ve never been the world’s most sociable. I’m comfortable though, don’t worry,” Lauren replied.

      “Right, we’re cool,” Eloy said and even he was aware that it sounded like he was trying to convince himself a lot more than he was trying to convince Nora.

      “Well, that’s good to know,” Nora said, once again giving that warm, motherly smile “You should probably let out one of your Pokemon now though. Being relaxed is good but I can hear the pack in the distance now.”

      Eloy stopped and listened, sure enough he could hear the faint sounds of the Lillipup and Herdier. He’d been so caught up with his hero worship he hadn’t even noticed, but now that he was paying attention he could tell the Pokemon were getting closer and closer.

      Eloy released Deacon from his ball, the Nidoran appearing in a flash. Noticing the sounds of the approaching Lillipup and Herdier, he immediately bristled with his ears perked up, ready for a fight.

      “A Nidoran! How cute,” Nora beamed. Deacon looked at Mortimer confusedly, apparently unsure how to react to this doting outburst when what he was expecting was imminent danger. The Duskull merely tilted his skeltonesque head and shrugged.

      Nora bent down and scratched between Deacons ears as Mort watched curiously. Deacon chittered, apparently pleased at the treatment.

      “Right,” Nora announced, straightening up “I think I’ll go with Khutulun.” The Elite Four member selected the third ball down along her belt, lightly tossing it up as it exploded open with a flare of white light. As she caught the now empty capsule, the light condensed into the solid form of her Pokemon. It was a hulking creature, well over two metres tall with thick skin covered in a layer of thin brown fur, a large and powerful tail and strong limbs ending in three sharp claws. Most unusual however was the pouch on its belly which seemed to contain a second Pokemon, purple but similar in appearance. It looked over Eloy, Lauren and their Pokemon before turning its attention to the sound of the pack, apparently dismissing the four of them as uninteresting.

      “Oh wow, your Kangaskhan,” Eloy grinned, gazing up at the large Normal type. He’d seen Nora use Khutulun on television before, he hadn’t really anticipated meeting her in person.

      “Any wild Pokemon will have a tough time with her,” Nora said proudly “Did you know that for ages Kangaskhan were a big mystery to people?”

      “Yes,” Lauren answered, leaving Eloy to look from her to Nora and back again several times with a confused expression plastered on his face.

      “Excellent!” Nora chimed “For the uninitiated though, it’s because the entire species is female and they always have a baby in their pouch. As it turns out they reproduce asexually. The little baby in the pouch is actually a part of the same organism but eventually will split off and become an adult with its own baby already emerging in its pouch. It’s not considered a pre-evolution of Kangaskhan though since it spends its entire life in the pouch before adulthood and doesn’t function separately.”

      This was a knowledge bomb for Eloy, but he couldn’t help but look at Nora with a maintained expression of confusion. He noticed a similar expression could be seen on Lauren. It took a moment, but Nora soon cottoned on.
      “Oh dear, I did it again,” she proclaimed, smacking her pal to her forehead “I used to be a teacher and sometimes slip back into giving lectures. Sorry about that.”

      “It’s fine!” Eloy replied a little too quickly. He didn’t get to say more on the matter because the pack had finally arrived.

      From the trees in front of him, a mass of Lillipup and Herdier appeared. There was fewer of them than when they had attacked him before, but still a sizeable enough number. Eloy counted nine of them. All of them started barking viciously and growling.

      “I really hate the way they go silent until they’re right on top of you,” Eloy sighed.

      “I suppose it’s time to get to work then,” Nora said casually, as though she wasn’t looking at a bunch of murderous canines but rather choosing her breakfast.

      The nine Pokemon, five of them Herdier and four Lillipup approached slowly at first but after a few steps they were all sprinting at full speed towards the trio of trainers and their team of Pokemon.

      Khutulun strolled forward a few steps with calm confidence as the pack neared them. Apparently ready and willing to teach them a much needed lesson if one were to guess what her irritated expression meant.

      “Drain Punch!” Nora instructed. Khutulun raised one of her powerful arms, her clawed hand clenched into a fist and radiating a bright green light. The first Herdier reached Khutulun and was immediately struck by a megaton blow, the Kangaskhan’s glowing green fist colliding with it and sending it flying on impact. The Herdier rocketed through several trees, leaving a trail of green sparkles behind it that floated towards Khutulun and were absorbed into her body. The rampaging Herdier was immediately knocked out.

      “Maybe hold back a little there Khutulun,” Nora said, keeping her casual tone “We don’t want to have to go looking for all the ones you faint.’

      Impressed, Eloy would have offered an exclamation, but there was no time for that. The rest of the pack was on them now and a pair of Lillipup were rushing Deacon. Being attacked by them yesterday had been terrifying, but with Nora there, now Eloy was energised. This was a chance to prove himself to a member of the Sigia Elite Four.

      “Fury Attack, Deacon!” Deacon lunged forward, unleashing a flurry of quick jabs with his horn. He struck one Lillipup twice and the next three times. Both wild Pokemon tumbled before they could inflict an attack. Out the corner of his eye, he saw two more get knocked sprawling by Mortimer’s Dark Pulse and several Herdier hounding Khutulun unable to get near enough to really attack as they tried to avoid meeting the same fate as the first. One apparently wasn’t quick enough, a Drain Punch rocketing it away much like it’s predecessor.

      The two Lillipup recovered quickly and rushed Deacon again, this time moving in a straight line. Deacon attacked again with another Fury Attack, striking the first Lillipup twice and sending it tumbling along the ground. The second had learned from it’s first attempt however, it vaulted up and over the first as Deacon struck out with his horn and collided with him from above. Deacon was slammed into the ground, the Lillipup retreating back to its comrade as it got back to its feet.

      “Poison Sting, Deacon!” Eloy instructed. This time he would go on the offensive and catch the Lillipup pair off guard.

      Deacon obeyed, running forwards as the familiar purple glow appeared at the tip of his horn. The Lillipup backed up as one, avoiding the attack. Then, one darted forward and bit down on Eloy’s Nidoran with a Bite attack. Deacon screeched, shaking off the attacker only for the second to Tackle his side and send him tumbling along the ground. The pair of Lillipup rounded on Eloy himself then, but Deacon was quick to return to his feet. He charged them with another Poison Sting, colliding with the closest and knocking it into the second like he was playing a violent game of billiards.

      Eloy took the chance to survey the battlefield once more. Looking around just in time to see a Lillipup attempt to Tackle Mortimer. The Normal type ran straight through Mortimer as if he wasn’t there, the Ghost type being immune to that kind of attack.

      “Hit it with Dark Pulse!’ Lauren called. Mortimer whirled around on the spot where he floated and let loose with the attack. The swirling black and purple nexus struck the Lillipup in the back at close range and propelled it across the battlefield. It collapsed in a heap as its partner dove in with its mouth open wide. “Shadow Sneak to avoid it.”

      Mortimer phased into the ground, his second attacker running straight over him, allowing him to emerge behind it. As he did so, a Herdier flew right over top of him, showering glittering green sparkles over him. The lights made their way back to Khutulun, the Herdier another victim of her dangerous Drain Punch.

      Deacon’s opponents were back on him now, both charging him at once with single-minded bloodlust.

      “Duck down and use Poison Sting upward!” Eloy ordered. Deacon crouched low to the ground as the assault reached him, neither Lillipup properly landing the Tackle as their head ended up in the space above the Nidoran. Then, Deacon lunged up with his Poison Sting catapulting one of the Lillipup over his head and making the other stumble back. “Fury Attack!”

      Deacon followed up on his first attack with another series of sharp jabs with his horn, bombarding the Lillipup in front of him with strikes before it could regain its bearing. It went rolling along the ground as the last jab struck it. The first was back on its feet now though. It raced for Eloy, but he dove aside. The Lillipup ended up running passed he and Deacon, skidding to a halt by its partner as it returned to its feet yet again.

      The Lillipups readied themselves for another charge but suddenly a loud bark echoed out from the forest behind them. The Lillipup pair backed up in the direction of the sound, as did the remaining Lillipup facing Lauren and Mortimer and the two Herdier who had as of yet avoided being decimated by Khutulun and her Drain Punch.

      “Well this is an interesting turn of events,” Nora said pleasantly.

      From behind the assembled pack came another canine Pokemon. It looked much like the others. It’s body was dominated by thick dark blue fur that greyed as it got closer to its feet. From the mass of blue and grey, it’s brown furred legs and head protruded. From it’s face two long, majestic cream plumes of fur extended well past its body.

      The Stoutland barked viciously again.

      Team Eloy
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        #41    
      Old 3 Weeks Ago (10:18 PM).
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      Bay Bay is offline
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      Quote:
      The moon was now high in the sky and the warm daytime air had gone cold. A dark mass rose up on either side of the road unpierced by the light from above. The sky above was clear, unblemished by light pollution. A breathtaking veil of glittering stars covered the sky.
      This paragraph you have "sky" repeated a few times.

      Wow, Eloy and Lauren have been getting away from the pack for 12 hours? I thought the closest town/settlement might be a bit closer than that, but I guess a mountainous region like Sigia can have towns that far apart. Luckily at least that Noctowl saved them there.

      I appreciate Mortimer getting more personality this time, though I feel the adverb "curiously" has been overused. Mortimer's expressions and actions should be good enough to let readers know he's the curious type.

      Nora looks like to be a fun character already. Cute she's every excited to giving out that Kangaskhan trivia there. And oh boy that Stoutland. Good thing Eloy and Lauren are with an Elite Four now.
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        #42    
      Old 3 Weeks Ago (10:36 PM).
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      Quote:
      Originally Posted by Bay View Post
      This paragraph you have "sky" repeated a few times.

      Wow, Eloy and Lauren have been getting away from the pack for 12 hours? I thought the closest town/settlement might be a bit closer than that, but I guess a mountainous region like Sigia can have towns that far apart. Luckily at least that Noctowl saved them there.

      I appreciate Mortimer getting more personality this time, though I feel the adverb "curiously" has been overused. Mortimer's expressions and actions should be good enough to let readers know he's the curious type.

      Nora looks like to be a fun character already. Cute she's every excited to giving out that Kangaskhan trivia there. And oh boy that Stoutland. Good thing Eloy and Lauren are with an Elite Four now.
      Sigia is a large region with a comparatively small population so it has a lot of forest and open country side with most of the population being found in a pretty small space which is something you'll get a better picture of as the story progresses.

      Will probably go back a bit later to make things less repetitive.
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        #43    
      Old 3 Weeks Ago (9:03 PM).
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      Made some small edits. I haven't fixed the thing with Mortimer's descriptions yet because I couldn't find a way of doing so I was happy with. I'll probably focus on writing him better in future chapters instead.
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      Old 3 Weeks Ago (11:14 PM). Edited 3 Weeks Ago by gimmepie.
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      Interlude Three
      “Would you move your ass, Clancy?” Bronwyn said, her voice a low and vicious hiss. The pair of them were deep in the forest between Rosaste Town and Topa Town. They were sweaty and dirty and their limbs ached, but they had a job to do. A Dragonite was trudging along behind them with a hefty bag of equipment hefted over its back, covering the orange dragon’s stumpy wings.

      “I’m moving as fast as I can,” Clancy replied with a sigh “Some of us don’t have a Dragonite for a valet. The Dragonite snorted loudly, apparently taking offense at being labelled as such. Clancy ignored it. He was more concerned with his own hefty load.

      “Toughen up. We still need a blood sample from the Magby, Elekid and Lillipup lines to finish this mukty expedition off and that’s easier said than done when for some reason Strain Seven is sending everything we jabbed it with psyducking mental.”

      Bronwyn’s long black hair had come loose of its ponytail and was now sticking to her face and both of them were covered in scrapes and bruises. She was never the nicest woman alive, strictly business at all times, bossy and not great at pleasantries but she was always at her worst out in the field. Especially when being out in the field meant several days in a forest with a rampaging pack of Lillipup, Herdier and Stoutland trying to eat you.

      “That and Magby and Elekid are extremely rare to begin with. Don’t forget that!” Clancy replied with mock enthusiasm. Bronwyn glared at him and for a moment he found himself wondering if she’d have her Dragonite kill him. Thankfully for him, she turned around and continued walking with the large Pokemon placidly following behind her.

      The pair continued walking in silence for some time from there on. Clancy had no desire to make his coworker any more angry than she already was and Bronwyn just wasn’t sociable at the best of times. That was fine though. Clancy hadn’t gotten involved with the program to make friends. He was in it for the sizeable paycheck. He figured Bronwyn was doing it for similar reasons.

      Eventually though, it was Bronwyn who broke the silence.

      “Fine, we can rest for a bit.” She made it sound like she was doing him a favour, but Clancy knew her well enough to know that she wouldn’t stop for his sake. There was work to be done. More likely she was looking to rest her own aching limbs. Still, he wasn’t going to complain about a break.

      Clancy gladly shrugged off the heavy load on his back and sagged to the ground, slumping against the worn trunk of a tree.

      “Be careful, Idiot!” Bronwyn snarled.

      “Right, sorry.” Clancy sighed, raising his hands apologetically and rested his head against the wood. His bag contained the samples they had collected so far and while they were held securely in a case it was better safe than sorry.

      He reached into the bag and pulled out a plastic wrapper, peeling it aside to reveal the crispy, dry jerky within. He pulled out a strip of the Tauros jerky and with a degree of reluctance bit into the salty meat. It was tough and chewy in his mouth and he couldn’t help but feel uneasy. Clancy supposed it was ironic given his line of work that he still preferred not to eat meat, but in the grand scheme of things he didn’t really like the idea of pokemon suffering when they didn’t have to. Still, when out on lengthy field assignments, the protein rich beef was a smart choice of supply.

      “Want some?” he wearily asked.

      Bronwyn gave a sharp nod and Clancy tossed her the plastic wrapped jerky. She took a strip and hungrily bit down without reservation. No shock there. Clancy had long since learned that Bronwyn did not share his reservations about meat. He’d made the mistake of mentioning his reluctance once and she’d laughed in his face and spent the next hour or so brutally deriding him and reminding him what he did for a living.

      A heavy fluttering of wings distracted Clancy from his reminiscing. A large red bird Pokemon with a grey underside had landed nearby. It was staring at the pair of scientists intently. A look that was becoming progressively more unnerving.

      “Am I the only one bothered by our new friend here,” Clacy said, eyeing the Talonflame suspiciously.

      “Stop being such a priss, it probably just smells the jerky or something,” Bronwyn replied dismissively “Flying types aren’t able to contract any of or strains right now, we engineered them that way to avoid over-spreading.”

      Clancy already knew this, but something wasn’t boding well with this situation. There was something about the look in the bird’s eyes that wasn’t right. If the Normal types were anything to go by, the safeguard in the strain was holding up. If the Talonflame was infected, it would have already tried to fry them. But something was off. The way it looked at them, it was like it was sizing them up. Clancy wasn’t sure how, but he knew that the only reason it hadn’t attacked already was because it was weighing up its chances with Bronwyn’s Dragonite being present.

      Apparently, it made up its mind quickly enough. The Talonflame screeched furiously and opened its wings wide. A torrent of fire erupted from its mouth before exploding out in a five-pronged cross.

      “Muk!” Clancy swore, scrambling to take cover behind the tree he had been leaning against, reaching out to drag his bag to cover. He saw Bronwyn dive behind her Dragonite, the powerful creature taking the hit for her with a grimace.

      That settled it for Clacy, somehow the Talonflame had contracted the Pokerus strain. The safeguard wasn’t working. Talonflame had a reputation for explosive tempers sure, but they wouldn’t risk starting a forest fire that would destroy their habitat. They generally reserved most of their Fire type moves for more open environments.

      “This shouldn’t be happening!” Bronwyn yelled as the flame spread across to the trees. In an instant, the woodlands around them were ablaze. The situation was already dire for any humans in the area and the blaze would only continue to expand if left unchecked.

      Clancy opened his bag to collect one of his pokeballs, he didn’t get a chance to use it though. A second Fire Blast streaked past him, forcing him to dive away from the bag. The ball slipped from his grip and dropped back into the bag as he did so. The bird didn’t stop there either, it was airborne again now and it unleashed another searing Fire Blast in Bronwyn’s direction. Once more her Dragonite stood strong, taking the attack in place of its master.

      “Maybe instead of hiding behind that monster Dragonite of yours, you could stop this thing turning us into piles of ash!” Clancy called out from where he had taken cover behind another tree. Heat was radiating up all around him now. He made a dash for his bag but was diverted by a streaming Flamethrower attack from the Talonflame, once again being forced to dive for cover.

      “Would it kill you to fend for yourself?” Bronwyn sneered, well aware that it probably would “Dragonite, Dragon Rush!” A bright blue, dragon-shaped aura exploded to life around the Dragonite as it suddenly soared for the Talonflame. The Talonflame was faster than the Dragonite, but the attack came as a surprise to it and the Dragon Rush aura around Bronwyn’s pokemon was far larger than normal.

      The Talonflame shot up, able to avoid the worst of the attack but being struck by the violent aura of the attack. That was enough to do the job, the bird was instantly knocked out and dropped to the ground. Bronwyn’s Dragonite snorted, apparently rather put out by this turn of events.

      Clancy scampered back to his bag and reached inside, quickly finding the Pokeball he was looking for. He released his Pokemon from its ball, the familiar white light soon forming into a small dark yellow rodent with a long tail adorned with a lightning bolt.

      “Storm, Rain Dance,” Clancy instructed.

      “Rai!” The Raichu responded the affirmative, twirling on the spot as its tail billowed behind like a ribbon. Directly above the blaze rain clouds formed in a dark disk and a torrential downpour began to fall on the area, dampening the flames and fighting their spread. Being drenched would only worsen Bronwyn’s mood and Clancy knew he’d cop it, but it was better than being burned alive. Probably.

      Clancy looked over to where the fallen Talonflame layed, Bronwyn was trudging through the rapidly muddying ground over to the defeated bird with a pokeball in hand.

      “Now we have to take this stupid psyducking bird back with us so it can’t incinerate the forest and draw too much attention to us. It’s bad enough that we have a Stoutland and its pack running around savaging people. We have to find out how it got the virus too. Brilliant.”

      Ignoring that the fire wasn’t properly dealt with yet and that a heavy rain was pouring down on them, Clancy sunk back into mud and leaned back against the charred tree he had first used for the same purpose. Bronwyn was continuing to complain and snark and he was longing for the assignment to be over.

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        #45    
      Old 1 Week Ago (2:36 PM).
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        Quote:
        Originally Posted by gimmepie View Post
        Eloy collected his pokeballs from the nurse, noting that the staff in Rosaste Town’s Pokemon Centre were all dressed in immaculate white and pink uniforms, just like the big city nurses that he would see on the television from time to time. Compared to the worn out woman with the lively personality he’d talked to back in Avent Town, the people in this Centre were all well-rehearsed and professional, almost too pleasant and a little robotic.
        In all honesty, I’d like to see this exchange in action. Showing them being well-rehearsed and professional sending a little awkwardness to Eloy. I say this because we don’t get very much diologue or other really main interaction for five more paragraphs, so it could help with reading pacing for the reader.

        Quote:
        Originally Posted by gimmepie View Post
        Now Eloy made his way through Rosaste in the direction of the gym. He had arrived far too late into the night to challenge it the previous day, but he’d come past it on the way to find somewhere to stay. It wasn’t a particularly long way away, but it was far enough that Eloy had some time to take the town in.

        Rosaste Town was far bigger than either of the towns Eloy had been in before, the smallness of where he’d come from making it seem all the larger. It wasn’t quite sizeable enough to be called a city, but it was obvious that the population there was measured in the thousands, not in the hundreds like the mountain towns. In fact, it probably had several times the population of Citri and Avent combined.
        So for this, I’d switch the two paragraphs and adjust the first sentence of the new one, because the next paragraph talks about him going through the town so the first paragraph of these two would be a better bridge than the other one.

        Noticed a few things,
        Quote:
        Originally Posted by gimmepie View Post
        “Not what you were expecting?” the concierge at the desk asked, looking up from the device in his hand with a chuckle “Don’t worry, everyone always reacts like that their first time here.”
        Have a comma after “chuckle”. Same for this one,

        Quote:
        Originally Posted by gimmepie View Post
        “I can believe that,” Eloy replied with a chuckle “I’m here to challenge the gym.” Eloy showed the man his trainer license.
        Quote:
        Originally Posted by gimmepie View Post
        ““Yeah, no problems with that.” the concierge replied casually, leaning back in his chair “You’ll have to wait a bit for your shot though since Vinnie’s taking a challenge right now. Feel free to head through and watch while you wait.””
        Capitalize “the” after the “that.” And comma after “chair”. Also I’d advise following up a “” area that’s later in the sentence with a , or . depending on linkage.

        Quote:
        Originally Posted by gimmepie View Post
        It took several minutes before Eloy could relaxe, it wasn’t Layla.
        Use a semicolon instead of a comma.

        Also, naming the hoppip dandy is good in too many ways.


        Quote:
        Originally Posted by gimmepie View Post
        Eloy couldn’t help but get the impression that “pretty chill” was an understatement of Vinnie’s character. He looked and sounded like he didn’t have a care in the world
        Dunno Eloy, not everyone that’s upbeat and friendly is like that. I’ve talked about this trait in your character before and I’m pleased you are sticking to it, considering how well it seems to go naturally to him. Heh, I do think this trait will deal in the next chapter since I'm behind of everyone else heh.

        As for the battle, it was good. I liked the descriptions powers you put into it, and while it was simplistic and rather short you made it exciting, though a little predictable which actually fits a sorta one-sided fight that was. However, I await the interesting fight that I presume will be close, but having Eloy either lose do to presumption or him winning or for his presumption to catch up to him again, if none we can all laugh about this later over a HTML page of Mudkip line picks being cute.
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          #46    
        Old 1 Week Ago (6:38 AM).
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        Originally Posted by Vragon2.0 View Post
        Snip
        Made grammar fixes.
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          #47    
        Old 1 Week Ago (10:56 AM).
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        Victorious
        Three Lillipup, three Herdier and one Stoutland. While the enemy numbers were down, Eloy wasn’t technically sure that this was an improvement on the situation. Still, he knew he had little to fear with Nora and Khutulun on their side and it wasn’t like he and Lauren were slouches.

        The canine Pokemon rushed forward, the Herdier and Lillipup in the lead with the Stoutland pacing himself behind them. The vanguard split off, moving either direction towards Deacon and Eloy or Lauren and Mortimer. The way was clear for the furious Stoutland to charge Khutulun. The Kangaskhan didn’t waver, staring down the opposing Normal type with supreme confidence. Eloy felt for sure they had things covered. Then everything went wrong.

        “Watch out!” Nora yelled suddenly. The Herdier and Lillipup had at the last moment closed in on Khutulun instead of attacking the smaller Pokemon. Caught by surprise, the powerful Kangaskhan suddenly found herself with six sets of sharp teeth sinking into her body. The Kangaskhan cried out in pain and thrashed about, trying to shake them loose… and that was the lesser of two concerns.

        The Stoutland turned, changing targets. The leader of the pack was now bearing down upon Mortimer and Lauren, his teeth crackling with electricity as he prepared to launch a powerful Thunder Fang.

        “Protect, Mortimer!” Lauren instructed. Immediately, Mortimer was engulfed by the green glowing barrier that Eloy had come to be familiar with. The Stoutland collided with the Protect and stumbled back, growling viciously.

        The Protect disappeared and the Stoutland made to dive for Mortimer again, but Lauren was as on the ball as always and was already commanding a counter-attack. An eerie blue flame appeared before the Duskull and was fired at the Stoutland, forcing the larger Pokemon to abandon his attack and jump to the side to avoid a crippling burn.

        Eloy had watched the unfolding events in shock, but his mind finally caught up. Khutulun had thrown the Lillipup loose and had succeeded in knocking two of them out already. Nora was an Elite Four member and her Pokemon were monstrously strong. Lauren was good, but she was in more need of help.

        “Deacon, Poison Sting on the Stoutland!” Eloy instructed. Deacon shot past where Khutulun was still trying to shake off her attackers and ran at the Stoutland from behind as the tip of his horn began to glow purple. He caught the rampaging Stoutland by surprise as it prepared to lunge for Mortimer again.

        The Stoutland cried out but it did not falter or fall like its pre-evolved stages may have. Instead, it abandoned its attack on Mortimer and whirled on Deacon, lunging for the Nidoran with razor blade teeth. This time, Lauren and Mortimer came to Deacon’s rescue instead.

        “Dark Pulse!” Lauren commanded and an instant later, the swirling Dark Pulse struck the Stoutland and knocked it off balance, causing it to miss the attack and stumble.

        “Peck!” Eloy called, capitalising on the advantage. Deacon lunged forwards and struck the unbalanced Stoutland with his horn, succeeding in knocking the larger creature over.

        The Stoutland rolled back to its feet and ran for Mortimer only for the green light of the Ghost type’s Protect to explode into being around him again. The Stoutland skidded to a halt before he could collide with the shield again, giving Deacon an opening.

        “Deacon, Poison Sting!” Deacon shot forward and jabbed the glimmering tip of his horn into the Stoutland’s undefended side.

        The Stoutland growled savagely as the attack hit, taking it and then lashing out with his head. Deacon scurried back but wasn’t quick enough to avoid the strike and was sent rocketing along the ground with a squeal.

        “Will-o-Wisp!” Lauren gave the order before the Stoutland could follow up on the attack. Mortimer’s ominous blue fireball struck the Stoutland from behind and for a brief moment its whole body was engulfed in blue fire. Then, the blaze faded, revealing a singed and very angry Stoutland, wincing in pain.

        The Stoutland rounded on Mortimer again, running hard for it, seemingly unaware of Deacon returning to his feet and giving chase. It opened its mouth wide, Thunder Fang crackling with dangerous voltage.

        “Protect!” For a third time, the shield sprang up around Mortimer, the Ghost type not even flinching as the murderous Stoutland rushed him. This time though, the Stoutland was ready. It skidded around and wheeled suddenly even as Eloy called for another Poison Sting. Eloy cried out for Deacon to retreat but it was too late, the electrified teeth closed down on the Nidoran.

        Deacon screamed out as the crushing force of the bite and the shock of the electricity hit him in unison. Eloy had learned that as far as the general power levels of attacks went, Thunder Fang was on the lower-middle part of the spectrum. Seeing it coming from such a powerhouse Pokemon made him inclined to disagree with such a generalisation.

        “Deacon!” he shouted, helpless to intervene.

        Thankfully, he didn’t need to. Khutulun had succeeded in dislodging all of her attackers now and one of them was hurled into the Stoutland’s side. The larger canine, was knocked sprawling, dropping Deacon to the ground so he could scamper away.

        The Herdier that had been used as a projectile shakily got back to its feet, ready to rush Nora’s Kangaskhan again. Out of nowhere though, the Stoutland lunged up off the ground with a savage Take Down and knocked its subordinate flying across the battlefield where it struck the ground and didn’t get back up. The Stoutland howled angrily, wincing from a combination of recoil from the attack and Mortimer’s burn slowly sapping its stamina.

        “Dark Pulse!” Lauren took that as her queue. Mortimer attacked again, the churning black and purple blast striking the Stoutland hard. It skidded back several feet before breaking through the attack.

        “Fury Attack, Deacon!” Eloy called out and instantly regretted the choice to choose a move that would require his Nidoran to stay within range. That was why he’d been avoiding Double Kick even though the move was much more effective on a Normal type like Stoutland.

        It was too late to take it back though, Deacon had given a war cry and rushed in with a battle fervor. Deacon jabbed in with his horn twice in quick succession, each strike eliciting and angered response from the Stoutland. The Stoutland dived for Deacon as he went in for his next strike, but Deacon narrowly managed to dodge under the Stoutland before it could land and then struck again into its side.

        The Stoutland whirled around to attack Deacon again but suddenly pulled back, rearing up on its hind legs as a Dark Pulse from Mortimer struck the ground where the front half of his body had just been, spraying debris into the air.

        Deacon took this as his chance and shot forwards to strike with his horn again. He drove his head up to stab at the Stoutland’s underbelly even as gravity began to bring the bigger creature back down. White light engulfed Deacon’s horn, the natural weapon glowing brightly and seeming bigger for it was the attack landed and the Stoutland was smashed backward, hitting the ground on his back before tumbling onto his side.

        “That was new!” Eloy shouted, surprised by the development.

        “Horn Attack, very good!” Nora chimed. Despite the situation, her tone was warm and congratulatory. She seemed legitimately excited for Deacon’s new move, like a teacher celebrating the success of a struggling student. Eloy noted that she was even still wearing the same pleasant smile, even as Khutlun dispatched the one of the Herdier with a Drain Punch during her outburst. Only one Herdier and the Stoutland remained now.

        The Stoutland was back on his feet now, and a look of absolute bloodlust distorted his features. It growled savagely, then ran for Deacon.

        “Dark Pulse!” Lauren instructed and Mortimer intercepted the attack with his own. The Stoutland whipped around, foaming at the mouth with his malice as bit down on the blast. The attack shatter and exploded in a cloud of dark smoke. The Stoutland didn’t even flinch.

        “Horn Attack!” Eloy ordered. Deacon’s horn glowed bright again and he ran at the Stoutland with newfound confidence, injuries forgotten in the thrill of developing this new skill. The Stoutland rounded on Deacon and swatted him aside with ease, sending him skidding along the ground. Then, it turned its attention back on Mortimer, rushing the Duskull again with single-minded rage.

        “Protect!” Lauren ordered as the Stoutland leapt for Mortimer, foamy mouth mouth wide open. The Stoutland collided hard with the shining defensive shield. The Protect halted the attempted Crunch but the sheer ferocity of the assault caused the barrier to explode into a shower of green glitter.

        The Stoutland’s fangs glowed a vibrant pink and it struck again. This time, his attack was a success and Mortimer was caught in the vice of his mouth before being tossed aside like a ragdoll.

        “Mort!” Lauren gasped, shocked. The Stoutland paid her no mind, turning back to Deacon.

        The Stoutland barked loud and then started its run forward. As it did so, a blazing aura of purple exploded up around it, streaked with a vibrant orange emanating from the focal point in front of the Stoutlands head.

        “Out the way!” Eloy yelled, instantly recognising the attack as Giga Impact, one of the most destructive moves a Pokemon could learn. Deacon was just barely managing to stand back up, his beating finally catching up with him. The Stoutland closed in fast.

        In an instant, the Stoutland lunged to close the distance as a huge shadow fell across Deacon. Khutulun leapt forward, the struggling Herdier tucked unceremoniously under one arm and thrust her free hand forward, palm open wide. The Stoutland collided with the Kangaskhan’s palm with an explosive force that Eloy not only saw and heard but felt as a shockwave radiated out from the impact.

        Khutulun skidded back several feet, stopping just before she’d have crushed Deacon underfoot. Her confident look was replaced by a strained grimace as her knees flexed against the force of the blow. Then, the onslaught was over and the Kangaskhan’s confidence quickly returned.

        “Nicely done, Khutulun,” Nora chirped, still donning her school teacher smile, “You can finish it up now. Dizzy Punch!” Khutulun pulled her hand back from the Stoutland, the canine seemingly frozen with shock at its most devastating attack being halted with such ease and not even trying to escape. The Kangaskhan’s hand closed into a fist as several flickering orbs of yellow light appeared around it.

        Khutulun drove her fist down hard onto the Stoutland, smashing it into the ground beneath its feet and knocking it out instantly. Then, she grabbed the remaining Herdier out from under her other arm, and with casual ease, tossed into the trunk of a tree where it too felt to the ground and fainted.

        Eloy’s mouth dropped like an anvil. Sure, the Stoutland had taken a fair few hits from Deacon and Mortimer, but it had demonstrated pretty easily how easily it could shake them off. He knew that the Pokemon of an Elite Four member were at an entirely different level, but seeing one in action up close was very different than watching from a distance. Khutulun’s raw power was at an almost incomprehensible scale compared to the likes of Deacon or Mortimer.

        “Everyone okay?” Nora asked cheerfully, “You both did very well.”

        “Mort and I are fine,” Lauren responded. Mortimer was in her arms happily nuzzled against her chest. He was definitely hurt, but seemed content and not seriously injured.

        “You doing okay, Deacon?” Eloy asked his Nidoran.

        “Ni!” Deacon replied enthusiastically before promptly fainting on the spot, beaten up and exhausted.

        “Deacon!” Eloy started, alarmed, bending down to check his Pokemon over. From what he could tell, the Nidoran hadn’t sustained any truly serious damage although there were small gashes on his back where the Stoutland had bitten down, spikes be damned. “Well, he did take quite a wholloping.”

        “I’m sure he’ll be fine with some treatment and a bit of a rest. For now though, you can both have one of these.” Nora produced a potion each for Deacon and Mortimer. Eloy and Lauren accepted them gratefully and proceeded to spray their partners and return them to the safety of their Pokeballs.

        “We should capture them all before any of them wake up,” Lauren said, looking around at the defeated back. None of them were stirring yet, and it was unlikely that any of them would be after taking hits from a powerhouse like Khutulun, but Nora nodded her agreement.

        “It’s better to be safe than sorry, let’s get to work.” She still sounded every bit more like a teacher on a field trip than a fearsome member of the Elite Four. Eloy and Lauren set to work alongside her and soon the pack had been rounded up and the three of them were making their way back to Topa Town.

        Team Eloy
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        Old 6 Days Ago (10:57 PM).
        Bay's Avatar
        Bay Bay is offline
        Darkinium Z
         
        Join Date: May 2006
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        Okay so for Interlude Three looks like another chapter showcasing the Pokerus going on, which makes me wonder that virus's role even more. Clancy and Bronwyn seemed to be typical co-workers who don't get along, wonder if they'll make more appearances soon.

        Now onto Victorious. That Stoutland sure did put up a fight there. It felt to me Lauren was relying a bit too much on Protect there, so it was a matter of time until Protect's effectiveness gets lowered. Cute how Nora was excited Deacon learned a new attack, seems like she's probably one of the nicer Elite Four members Eloy will meet.
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