(I would be great if Mizan, Buoysel or someone who's been on here long to review, I need to know or have a very good reviewer....)
But you just had Silawen. =/ Who hasn't been
here' long' but certainly has been in the fanfiction business for a good while to know her stuff. =P This comment here though seems a bit rude to me though...what was wrong with Silawen and her pretty darn in-depth reviews? =/
Anyways I suppose I may review the 2nd chapter, but I will say that I found myself agreeing with Silawen's comments - despite these supposed additions and explanations to questions I'm not quite convinced by a number of things. This may be an alternate universe, but it's not very clear that this is so for one - so why this is so and so forth needs to I feel be more clearly established. I'm not really buying for instance that he's never heard of a charmander or didn't know about Oak, who is by any stretch a highly-known and respected person in the world of Pokemon. If that's not the case here it's not really indicated properly.
Not so sure at all about the 'no tv' thing either - just something I'm not convinced by at all. And as said if you have to say stuff outside of the story to explain something then you're not giving enough information within the story itself for it to be clear to readers - stories do not need extra info to be understood 100% generally. The fact that there's magical monsters doesn't really convince me that there's no tv/it didn't catch on. After all, there's the PC system (and computers kinda came about thanks to tv), and there's the Pokegear's Radio as well which lead to television - why then would TV not catch on? If anything it seems like you're arguing a lost cause as there's no real indicator why television wouldn't be about and used (that and the fact the pokegear is there suggest radio and all would be in use - which is another way to know about the world around you and hence that Oak = Pokemon Prof. Let's not forget about newspapers. Or the fact Oak lives in the same small town as the main character anyways). Too many logic gaps, both applying the Pokemon games logic to it (because Pokemon games do have tv) and real-world logic. Tv not existing seems to take the cake though - don't see why that is the case, and even if it was legit it doesn't solve the original question/plothole anyways.
Same for the PTR and how it affects this world - basically if it's an alternate universe than you're going to have to spend a good amount of explaining and establishing facts within the story as otherwise it'll just go over our heads as we don't understand everything. I'd advise going back through things and editing - it's a process near everyone ends up having to do anyways. As-is there's just too much that I'm having to question, so it's best you rethink a few things and go back to edit/rewrite parts - if you do this also don't rush that process! And when someone points out a plothole, coming up with explanations off the bat in review replies doesn't tend to work well at all and doesn't actually improve the fic (and tends to lead to more questions/holes).
Now have a few quotes. =P
After Oak let me into his mansion, I walked down a different hallway than before.
After some twists and turns, we eventually got to a bright-lighted laboratory that nearly blinded me as Oak told me to sit down on a stool, which I did.
You tend to have the habit of separating things into different paragraphs even if it isn't really necessary. Both paragraphs here are still about walking to the lab, so it'd be fine to have them as one paragraph.
"I'm sure. When do I start?" I said, eager to leave Pallet Town once and for all. I hated this place, moving to this town was a nightmare for me.
Comma here doesn't really work in merging the two parts of the sentences - usually commas are used before the 'fanboys' (for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so rather than the scary kind =P). Here though it just creates an uncomfortable pause - something else should be used instead (even rewording/making a new sentence there would be better).
Furthermore, here it feels like the main character is telling us a bit too much - here we're told that he hated the town, but you could have done more to explain why he hates the town, and the better way to do that would be to show us this. Show us some events of him interacting with people or the town for instance which gives us the impression/makes us think 'he doesn't like this town'. More on this later.
"You're my Field Assistant, remember? You need to know more about Pokemon than the average Trainer." Oak explained, cutting me off.
As Silawen explained before, should be a comma.
"I think you know enough by now," Oak yawned, as he placed the book back onto it's original spot.
its over it's, the latter meaning 'it is'.
"Do you want to give him a nickname?" Oak asked me, as I was startled out of my thoughts.
"A what?" I asked, confused.
Personally a nickname doesn't strike me as that confusing a concept. =/
Looks like I was getting him tired....
This could use some rewording, for instance 'Looks like I was making him tired' - getting doesn't fit well here. Also stick to just three dots for an ellipse, rather than four (i.e. '...').
We stared at each other for a bit as I thought up of a nickname, and Oak decided to clean up his lab as I thought.
And then I picked a nickname for him.
Sometimes you verge on repetition as well with the writing - here you're basically saying 'why Oak cleaned up I began thinking about a nickname. And then I picked a nickname.' I'd reword it to remove that repetitive feel.
"Oh well, hold on let me give you some stuff.." Oak said, as he disappeared deeper into the lab, as I turned back to Charmander err Zeke.
Again, ellipses should be three dots. Also I'd advise against saying stuff like 'back to Charmander err Zeke' like so - if it's a though, make it clearer that it's a thought rather than have it written like it's addressed directly to us (which can bring us out of the story and disrupt the flow).
"Char Charmander." Zeke said, as I guessed he liked it(or accepted it..).
Full stop should be a comma, add in a space there, and add another dot to make it a proper ellipse.
Back to what I said earlier about showing and telling - here, Erik is basically telling us that it seemed Charmander accepted the name. It would be more interesting to read about this though if you should us something that suggested that Charmander liked/accepted it. Say, Charmander nodding or smiling or clapping its paws together happily around gives this paragraph and action or event - something happening - which keeps the story moving. It's the little things like that that make a difference. (Note you can still tell us as well that it seems to accept it, telling and showing is fine as long as you're not over-repeating the facts).
After that there was a bit of awkward silence until Oak came back with some weird crap in his hands.
"What the hell is that?" I asked, as he pulled out some sort of weird device.
Ok, I must say this really amused me with the 'weird crap' comment. XD Not 100% sure why either but it did amuse. =)
"This bag is called a Messenger Bag, it's to hold all of your items.
"And finally, Potions and Poke Balls, so you have everything a Assistant should need!" Oak finished, out of breath. I'm worried that he's gonna he's give himself one day...
The first sentence reads oddly if you were to read it out loud as one sentence. I'd reword it - for instance This bag is called a Messenger Bag. It's for holding any items you take.' And the last sentence sounds... well, jumbled there. =P (And is more telling us as well - note that telling stuff to the reader directly like this is called breaking the fourth wall and can bring them out of the story as it sounds more like you talking to them on the street than a written form, and hence feels unnatural).
"I KNEW GRANDPA WAS LYING WHEN HE SAID HE LOST IT!" the guy yelled, cutting me off. I had only met him for 10 seconds, and already he was annoying me.
I will say that Gary
seems more or less like he should be, but caps lock doesn't always work too well in fics, nor does random swearing as well, which gary seemed to do a lot of when it wasn't that necessary to boot. Also write out numbers less than 100 i.e. ten over 10.
I looked at the guy like he was crazy. He was a teenager, probably just as old as me, he sported blond hair and brown eyes. He was a bit taller than me.
Firstly I'd make a new sentence there as the 2nd sentence can be split (again the comma doesn't work there), secondly I'd reword this part as well. Firstly it's simply put (He was ___ He had ___ He was ___) which is somewhat repetitive and boring to read as well. Instead expand out on this, and spread it around, while mixing in the descriptions with action. For instance, maybe mention the blond hair while Gary scratches his head (for example) - it's minor but something is happening at the same time as the description, and it helps to keep the story moving. From there you can go into more detail (a lot of hair? what else about him - clothing? does he look frail or strong? etc). Note that description can then be used to show us more about him as a character and reflect his personality as well - play around with it, and it'll help to establish your characters more as well as make for a more interesting read. You're already doing this, btw, such as below where Gary grabs Erik's arm and so forth, but you could expand it some more and work on the descriptions.
"That Charmander was meant to be mine, man. But I got a crappy Squirtle instead!" He shouted, as he grabbed me on the arm.
Should be a small h.
"Tell ya what, if I win I get to keep that Pokemon and you can have this ****** Squirtle. If I lose, I'll let ya have it for free, since Gramps will give me another one anyway." The guy babbled, as I pulled his hand away from my arm.
Change to a comma and a small t i.e. '...another one anyways," the guy babbled...).
"I'm Gary, you?" He asked.
See above.
Suddenly, I felt a bit nervous. If I lost, I could actually lose Zeke. (No, I won't lose!) I told myself, as I waited for him to come back.
Suddenly you began using brackets for thoughts now, although you didn't earlier - try to keep it consistent. I'd say personally italics work better than brackets as well (and is the more commonly used technique for thoughts in writing by far), but your choice I suppose...
Try to keep from doing this - it's unnecessary and detracts from the story, and you can quite easily go without it as well.
"Alright! The Trainers Zeke Walker and Gary Oak please step forward!" The Ref said, as we both did. We were both 30 feet away from each other, in order to allow space for our Pokemon to battle.
I thought the trainer was Erik and the Pokemon Zeke. =P Also thirty over 30, although I question why they have to be such a specific number of feet away and whether they counted or not - seems having a number there is rather unnecessary.
Do you accept these conditions?" The Ref asked, looking at both of us.
Also, Ref doesn't seem like it'd need to be capitalised unless it's a very important and formal job - but here they just grabbed some assistant. =/ Also the over The.
"I accept." I said plainly.
Change the bolded full stops to commas.
'"Good. Then you may...," He said
Rather than that, do this: "Good. Then you may..." he said'.
When the light was gone, Zeke, and some light blue turtle-like Pokemon was left, as our Poke Balls recoiled back into our hands.
light-blue rather than light blue. Also here is another instance where you could work on describing Squirtle - it got a short description and a sprite, which is kinda a lazy way of showing us what things look like and isn't advised to be used in fics by any means.
Squirtle did as commanded, it ran towards Zeke.
Reword, as the comma here makes it sound awkward and doesn't join up these two parts together well. Add in some more words rather than trying to cut things short, e.g. 'Squirtle did as commanded, as it ran towards Zeke with a determined look on its face on its stubby legs.' - note here the comma now precedes 'as' which is one of the 'fanboys', and I added a bit more to describing Squirtle. An important note about description is that it's best to spread it around rather than have it all in the same spot (which is known as info-dumping).
"Inquiry: Zeke's known moves. Answer: Scratch, Ember, Smokescreen, Leer." The Poke Dex answered.
change to a comma and the (Leer," the PokeDex answered). Note that the official name is actually PokeDex, as one word. (Or rather Pokedex).
Zeke's eyes was immune to smoke, so he snuck up behind Squirtle and raised his claws, and raked them against it's shell.
How were Zeke's eyes immune to smoke? Not sure if there's such things as smoke-immune eyes... =/ Also its rather than it's.
"Sure. I don't want any weak Pokemon travelling with me, it'd hold me down from reaching my goal. See ya later, Feraligatr." Gary said,
Consider adding in that comma after 'later' as you could say Erik is being called a Feraligatr.
Ok, overall this isn't so bad - most things are decent and it's mostly the same type of mistakes that you are making here which don't take too much to fix. Descriptions could stand some improvement, and the biggest point would be setting up this universe setting up better in the prologue/earlier chapters and explaining the different things in this AU of yours, which I (and Silawen) already touched on. That's probably the bigger port of call to pay attention to first. But there is potential here, so with some work (which really any good fic needs to have anyways to be good), this can be a pretty neat fic. Focus on plotting out and cleaning up the questionable points as they're basically taking away from the good parts of the story, and then work on the rest. Hope this helps, and good luck.
EDIT: Well maybe I'll do chapter 3 later (you posted it as I was typing this review so only see it now), but I feel you could apply some advice from previous chapters to it already first (such as use of commas, etc), and IMO it'd be best to worry about the first parts of the fic first, as the beginning has to be up to shape to keep potential readers/reviewers interested. (Also note that posting to ask if anyone else wants to review is against the fanfiction rules with bumping and all. =P)
