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  #1    
Old March 7th, 2016 (5:36 PM).
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Yo! Check my last post in the other thread btw re: titles and possible cover image idea.

Write and post your draft in a separate post or the first post here, your choice - if the former post again so we can tell when the article is ready for editing. =)

Also, so we can easily credit you as the author on the article, let us know an email address, desired username (that can't be changed later), and your desired author name (can be changed and will be how you are listed as an author). Either in here or PM is fine.
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  #2    
Old March 18th, 2016 (4:48 PM).
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    At the very least, you need to mention exactly where the fishing for Feebas needs to happen. There's no mention at all that the player has to go to Route 119.

    Some quick grammar things:

    Quote:
    But at the end of the day; they’re just people like us, consequently unable to achieve perfection and that’s where feedback plays its part.
    The semicolon after "day" is not needed.

    Quote:
    what makes Feebas unique are, the mechanics used to catch it.
    Comma after "are" is not needed, and the "are" should probably be an "is" anyhow.

    Quote:
    The fact, that the process is never explained in the game and that the mechanics aren’t even hinted at, has lead me to wonder if this was essentially and purposefully made this way; to be for all intents and purposes, frustrating.
    The comma after "fact" should be removed.

    Quote:
    Well, that’s not all; Feebas is not the only Pokémon you can encounter there, meaning that even if you were fishing in one of the right six tiles, you might not encounter it.
    "Well, that's not all" should be its own sentence, so remove the semicolon and replace it with an exclamation mark (!).

    I'll read through this better, but I don't have the time to point out anything other than those quick finds.
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    Old March 19th, 2016 (4:17 AM).
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    bobandbill bobandbill is offline
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    I do agree that more can be written, and that the article ought to be longer than the current length. The main issue is that for a reader who didn't play RSE (and there would be a fair number!), let alone bothered to try and obtain Feebas within those games, the explanation of how you get a Feebas is not clear. Start by breaking things up into separate paragraphs - e.g. one about the route you can find it in, maybe with a picture of said route, and explaining that of 400 tiles you can only find it on 6. Add on that the encounter rate wasn't 100% and fishing was required.

    Then make a new paragraph to talk about the Trendy Saying aspect - first remind readers what that was, then what changing it did, then how this was never described in the game. So on and so forth.

    How did one get a Feebas in gen 5, come to think of it...?
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    Old March 19th, 2016 (10:54 AM).
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      Quote:
      Originally Posted by bobandbill View Post
      How did one get a Feebas in gen 5, come to think of it...?
      Fishing on Route 1, with decent chances (60%) if the player fishes in rippling water.

      So there's another section of the article that could be written. The chances of finding a wild Feebas improved in Gen Five. You just need Surf (Black/White) or wait until post-E4 (Black2/White2).
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        #5    
      Old March 25th, 2016 (6:51 AM).
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      bobandbill bobandbill is offline
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      Alrighty. Broad comments first, then nitpicks... after this:
      Quote:
      Originally Posted by JohnnyMustang View Post
      Question: You think it's a good idea to add some comparisons with Magikarp? And perhaps elaborating a bit more about how Feebas evolution's process isn't explained either?
      Magikarp comparisons - eh, I think not. Maybe at best one line if say for a joke or off-hand comment, but I don't think it's relevant to the focus of this article.

      Mentioning evolving Feebas is a frustrating and underexplained feature makes more sense, but the section for it should also cover the 3rd gen method (and 4th gen? needs checking), which requires near-maxing out the Beauty stat.

      I feel the structure needs some work still. For instance, in the RSE section you still mention the Trendy saying and only really explain what it is two paragraphs later, so it'll still be confusing for readers. Introduce one concept at a time.

      I feel you could introduce the fact that things aren't explained earlier (within the RSE section, repeat in the DP section with a single sentence, and hence remove the current section 'no in-game explanation').

      Commas and semicolon usage is something that does need work on (understandable given English isn't your first language and they're fiddly things. I was terrible with punctuation in dialogue myself when I first started fics).

      There's a lot to be said on when commas should or shouldn't be used. Here's a handy tip that applies for most times though - use commas either to separate adjectives (descriptive words) (for example: "It was long, red, shiny, and also on fire."), listed items (e.g. "You should buy apples, oranges, and grapes."), and before one of the FANBOYS... FANBOYS being an acronym. ;p For, and, nor, but, or, yet, so. (E.g. "It was true, yet perhaps it wasn't, but really it was, so that made things confusing, or did it...?")

      Unhelpfully you shouldn't always do the above (e.g. I wouldn't put a comma for 'and' in "it is a tedious and monotonous process") - rather it should only happen when such words are used to split up different parts of the sentence. But the helpful bit is if you want to put a comma before a word in any other case (so not to separate adjectives/listed items/one of the FANBOYS), you probably shouldn't.

      Sometimes it can be used for creating pauses too, but you seem to use it in places it doesn't quite fit in.

      Semicolons are even less used typically. They really only should be used between two parts of a sentence which could be written as two sentences (e.g. 'Some people write with a word processor; others write with a pen or pencil.'). Ideally you also only use a semicolon when these two parts on either side of it are related, or alternatively need to be contrasted. Here's a guide with pictures on it.

      Speaking of pictures, they'll need adding as well! If you're not sure we can suggest ones to use as well. Screenshots from the games would be useful.

      Lastly, no need to use line breaks in the draft, as they won't be used in the Wordpress/final version of the article.

      -----------
      Edits. Keeping some explanations brief in the interest of saving time/the above addresses some. Don't add in my '...' in the quotes, I just do that to lead in to the relevant part of the sentence. Often I'll just write what I think it should look like. Ask if you have any questions about any part below!

      Quote:
      ‘Title’ is the first article of ‘Features to Improve’ series. I believe I speak for most of us gamers, when I say that: We see the games developers as gods, why? Well, because they created something that we spent hours on and probably had a huge impact on…
      I'd start this differently, e.g. "This is the first article of the "Features to Improve" series." There's no need to repeat the tite, and you shouldn't refer to it as, well, 'Title'.

      The rest I'd reword as follows: "Many of us see the Pokémon game developers as gods. They've created something that we spend hours on, something that probably has had a huge impact on..." (etc).
      Quote:
      But at the end of the day; they’re just people like us, consequently unable to achieve perfection and that’s where feedback plays its part.
      Replace the semicolon with a comma, and add another comma after 'perfection'.

      Add in a line at the end to properly explain what the article series will do, e.g. "Some features within the Pokémon games unfortunately end up flawed, so here we'll discuss these features and how they could be improved upon.
      Quote:
      Feebas was first introduced in RSE, the third generation games; what makes Feebas unique are, the mechanics used to catch it.
      '...introduced in Ruby, Sapphire and Emerald (RSE), the third generation games. Feebas is unique because of the game mechanics concerning how to catch it." (Don't use acronyms like RSE without first writing them in full in most cases).
      Quote:
      Catching Feebas has been a real challenge; it is a tedious and monotonous process in which most people have given up really quickly, after attempting to catch the so desired Feebas.
      "has been" --> "is", "...real challenge. It is a tedious and monotonous process which many people have given up upon very quickly.", and I would end the sentence there (and not use the following - already clear that is what you are talking about re: catching Feebas).
      Quote:
      The fact, that the process is never explained in the game and that the mechanics aren’t even hinted at, has lead me to wonder if this was essentially and purposefully made this way; to be for all intents and purposes, frustrating. Was this just a way of immersing the players into the game?
      "The fact that the..." (no comma), "...in the game, and that the..." (added comma), "...made this way. Something which may have just been added to added more gameplay time and immerse the player ended up, for all intents and purposes, frustrating."
      Quote:
      Let’s review how the process has been altered within generations:
      It is correct, but I'd just go with a full stop at the end instead of a colon [:] instead.
      Quote:
      Ruby/Sapphire/Emerald
      "Ruby, Sapphire & Emerald", as you formatted other titles like this. Furthermore, it should then also be "Diamond, Pearl and Platinum" for consistency.
      Quote:
      The only way to catch Feebas was to fish with any rod in Route 119, but only on 6 out of 400 randomly generated tiles that changed whenever the trend word in Dewford Town changed. Does that sound hard enough? Well, that’s not all! Feebas is not the only Pokémon you can encounter there, meaning that even if you were fishing in one of the right six tiles, you might not encounter it.

      Some of you might be wondering: What is this about tiles? Basically, a tile is every square of pixel/data used in the game. Whenever you press one of the directional buttons, you move onto a new tile. Okay good, that’s out of the way now.
      As said in the general comments, this was hard to follow. I would change to the following:
      Quote:
      The only way to catch Feebas was to fish with any rod in Route 119. This Route follows a long, winding river. However, you couldn't just fish anywhere for Feebas in this Route. There are 400 'tiles' (a position in the overworld - moving up, down, left or right results in moving to a different tile) making up the river. The problem is, only 6 out of 400 randomly generated tiles actually had Feebas in them!

      Does that sound hard enough? Well, that’s not all! Feebas is not the only Pokémon you can encounter there, meaning that even if you were fishing in one of the right six tiles, you might not encounter it. You had to try multiple times each tile to be sure.
      Quote:
      You can manually change the Trendy Phrase in Dewford Town by talking to a boy outside Dewford Hall that re-randomizes the six tiles Feebas will be in, however. Not even this isn't hinted at, but changing the tiles is the last thing you want to do. It's better to stick with the same Trendy Phrase and look out for those tiles by trial and error.
      Similarly, this needs further elaboration so you first introduce what the Trendy Phrase is, and then how it is related:
      Quote:
      Where Feebas could be found was also bizarrely tied to a feature all the way on Dewford Island. On the island is a hall where Non-Playable Characters (NPCs) will repeat a 'Trendy Phrase'. You could change this Trendy Phrase by talking to a boy outside Dewford Hall. Doing this re-randomizes the six tiles Feebas will be in.

      The really annoying part about these mechanics however is that the player would have no clue about it! The game doesn't hint that you can only find Feebas in six measly tiles in the Route, nor that the Trendy Phrase resets those tiles. If you ever want to catch Feebas in RSE, It's better to stick with the same Trendy Phrase and look out for those tiles by trial and error.
      Quote:
      The main problem was that the 4 tiles are re-randomized every day, meaning that you had to make sure that you could spend all day trying to actually catch Feebas.
      I'd go for 'four' rather than '4'. Numbers smaller than 100 should be written out as words, unless they are canonically done as numbers (e.g. Route 1), or in a statistic (e.g. 4 out of 800). Add in a line afterwards that this feature was also not explained in-game
      Quote:
      .
      Even if the fifth generation seems to be prominently underrated, the chances of finding Feebas were substantially improved.
      I would remove the first part. I don't think gen 5 is actually underrated... and it doesn't really have much to do with Feebas either. "Luckily in the fifth generation games, the chances..."
      Quote:
      Fishing on Route 1 with a super rod has a 5% chance to find Feebas, but…
      Super Rod - capitalised like in the games.
      Quote:
      Exclusively from the fifth generation, you can directly fish a Milotic.
      "You can even fish and catch Feebas' evolution in Milotic, something that is exclusive in the 5th generation games."
      Quote:
      Not only that, but during the daytime you have a 100% chance of finding Feebas underneath the bridge in Route 119; the same happens if you fish during night time around a rock in the south part of the route.
      New sentences instead of the semicolon imo (...in Route 119. The same happens...").
      Quote:
      See how the process gets easier?
      Mention that ORAS are the RSE remakes either here or earlier as well.
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      Old April 7th, 2016 (5:56 AM).
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      bobandbill bobandbill is offline
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      It's looking much better with the structure now!

      I'll take a look tomorrow night at potential images. For now, nitpicks:
      Quote:
      First introduced in Ruby, Sapphire and Emerald, the third generation games; Feebas is unique because of the game mechanics concerning how to catch it..
      add '(RSE)' after 'Ruby, Sapphire and Emerald', change the semi colon to a comma after 'games', and remove one of the . at the end.
      Quote:
      and that the mechanics aren’t even hinted at, has lead me to wonder
      led rather than lead (led is the past tense form).
      Quote:
      Something which may have just been added to extend the gameplay time and immerse the player ended up, for all intents and purposes, frustrating
      Need a full stop at the end.
      Quote:
      The only way to catch Feebas was to fish with any rod in Route 119.
      We probably should go with Rod as they are capitalised in the games.
      Quote:
      You had to try multiple times each tile to be sure.
      'on' each tile, or 'for' each tile.
      Quote:
      Feebas is found on only four, out of the 800 tiles in the basement of Mt. Coronet.
      Remove the comma.
      Quote:
      Feebas is not the only Pokémon available in the area and can be captured with any rod.
      Capitalise rod.
      Quote:
      Okay, I got it! Now what? Let’s take a look at the flavor text: "A mysterious scale that evolves certain Pokémon. It shines in rainbow colors". This is the closest it gets to a hint at how to evolve Feebas.
      I'd personally remove the first two short sentences here - it seems a bit confusing, doesn't quite flow well nor fit with the rest of the article imo, and isn't necessary to understand the rest.

      On a minor note, this part and directly above is oddly formatted - either one paragraph or with a line of spacing between each paragraph (like elsewhere in the article, or here).
      Quote:
      There's a 5% chance to find Feebas with any rod in Route 119.
      Rod. Maybe add to this slightly as well: "...with any rod anywhere in Route 119."
      Quote:
      However, finding Feebas gets easier in B&W
      You haven't introduce B&W as an acronym, so if you're using it, try to introduce it either here or earlier (so write "Black and White (BW)" somewhere before using the acronym in the article). I'd also rather go with BW rather than B&W (it's the more commonly seen acronym across the internet, and consistent with what has already been used in articles on Daily as well, as well as other acronyms like ORAS instead of OR&AS).
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      Old April 8th, 2016 (6:54 AM).
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      bobandbill bobandbill is offline
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      Quote:
      Originally Posted by JohnnyMustang View Post
      And since we're on the subject, will this appear in the exact same format shown in here?
      Fairly similar. It'll have headings like what you used, maybe just at a slightly different size is all. The article title will be placed elsewhere/not in that font, and there also needs to be an article excerpt as well (short sentence or two about the article) which'll appear at the top.

      Images! One of route 119 makes sense to me: http://cdn.bulbagarden.net/upload/thumb/8/83/Hoenn_Route_119_E.png/200px-Hoenn_Route_119_E.png Probably will format it in the article to be left/right aligned with text wrap.

      Trendy Saying: https://i.ytimg.com/vi/fnM3hNDCM-8/hqdefault.jpg

      Image here may be worth throwing in with link to the source as well: http://aquilus21.deviantart.com/art/Feebas-Hunting-73645868

      We still need a cover image too.
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      Old April 9th, 2016 (6:05 AM).
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      bobandbill bobandbill is offline
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      Ah, another thing. Please provide an email address, username (cannot be changed!) and desired nickname (can be changed, and will be how you are credited as an author on the website). I'll use that to make you an account on the site which makes it easier for us to credit writers. You can PM me the details.
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      Old April 18th, 2016 (5:49 PM).
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      bobandbill bobandbill is offline
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      Quote:
      Originally Posted by JohnnyMustang View Post
      Hi! I'm posting to announce that I'll be on a LoA from PC and probably won't be here to finish this. But if you guys wanna post it anyway that's totally cool with me, however you want, to/if! Sorry about that, see ya around.
      Whoops, sorry for the delay in getting back on this. I'd say it's fairly close to completion, so I'll take on and work on any additional edits and placement of images.

      Still going to be crediting you as the main writer, so requoting myself regarding info needed as well (at worst I'll credit you in the text and use the generic wordpress account as the 'author' and change it once I have the below details):
      Quote:
      Ah, another thing. Please provide an email address, username (cannot be changed!) and desired nickname (can be changed, and will be how you are credited as an author on the website). I'll use that to make you an account on the site which makes it easier for us to credit writers. You can PM me the details.
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      Old April 19th, 2016 (1:50 AM).
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      Rivvon Rivvon is offline
       
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      If this article is still going to be published, I can provide a cover image once I get back from work. I was thinking, since the article mentions how you can catch Milotic in BW, of doing an illustration with the irritated Brendan trying to fish for Feebas in the foreground, with a far-off Hilda reeling in a Milotic. I've provided a (really really rough) sketch to help visualize what I mean:
      Spoiler:


      Please let me know what you think of the idea, if there are any changes you think need to be made, etc. and I'll get to work on it once I'm back.
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      Old April 19th, 2016 (5:54 AM).
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      bobandbill bobandbill is offline
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      Quote:
      Originally Posted by Rivvon View Post
      If this article is still going to be published, I can provide a cover image once I get back from work. I was thinking, since the article mentions how you can catch Milotic in BW, of doing an illustration with the irritated Brendan trying to fish for Feebas in the foreground, with a far-off Hilda reeling in a Milotic. I've provided a (really really rough) sketch to help visualize what I mean:
      Spoiler:


      Please let me know what you think of the idea, if there are any changes you think need to be made, etc. and I'll get to work on it once I'm back.
      I quite like the idea! Amusing and the idea of being glum like that while fishing is relevant to the article as well. Just need to make an excerpt that makes the topic title clear given the Milotic catching, which shouldn't be an issue.

      Tomorrow I may do the organising of the article with the suggested images within it, with excerpt.
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      Old April 22nd, 2016 (7:01 AM).
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      Done it - daily staff can find it here. http://daily.pokecommunity.com/?p=1154&preview=true (Need to log in first). Just needs the cover image and someone else to help proofread (but I just applied the edits I already offered and a touch more, plus the excerpt).
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      Old April 23rd, 2016 (4:29 AM). Edited April 23rd, 2016 by Rivvon.
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      Rivvon Rivvon is offline
       
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      Sorry the cover image took a little longer than anticipated; I ran into some file issues. But it's just about done, and I'll post it here by sometime tonight once it's ready!

      EDIT: And it's done!

      Spoiler:

      Please let me know what you think, if you'd like any changes, etc.!
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      Old April 28th, 2016 (8:23 PM).
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      bobandbill bobandbill is offline
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      Quote:
      Originally Posted by Rivvon
      Please let me know what you think, if you'd like any changes, etc.!
      Oh damn I missed this update, should have checked back more. @_@ (Forum failed to show me the new post somehow).

      It looks pretty good! I don't have any suggestions or things to be changed on that; I like the expression and that BW protagonist is being successful in the background is still pretty amusing, haha. I will likely put the article up within the next day then as it's had time to be looked at. (For those with access to article previews: http://daily.pokecommunity.com/?p=1154&preview=true For those without, bug Jake/I for it!)
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