The PokéCommunity Forums Create & Discover Fan Fiction and Writing
Pokémon World 5 Years Gone: Adventures in Hoenn

Fan Fiction and Writing Have a story you want to share? Or in the mood to sit back and read one, instead? Then come hang out here!

Reply
 
Thread Tools
  #1    
Old June 26th, 2018 (1:22 AM).
Karmic_Backlash Karmic_Backlash is offline
     
    Join Date: Feb 2018
    Posts: 1
    (This is a story I am migrating from SafariZone, so far the first two chapters are completed. The only difference between this version and that version is that I have rewritten the first battle between the main character and Roxanne in "Chapter " I used a system for battles that took people out of the story, basically I used bullet points instead of actual descriptions. So in this version I took the time to rewrite it to flow better with the story. I also implimented some grammer and punctuation issues that a commenter pointed out in "Chapter 2". Shout out to the few people who read my story over there, you guys are what brought me back. Thank you Cavespider_17 and bay.)

    Chapter 1: Steps on Stones

    Brisk steps clatter on the cobblestones of the city, moving this way and that. A familiar horn sounds in the distance as a small boat pulls into port. The people of the town take little interest as its directed to anchor. A small group disembarks, stepping as slowly onto the wooded dock. Near to the back of this small group was a younger girl, wide-eyed at the mountain in the distance. She takes her first tentative steps onto the dock catching the passing attention of a few dock workers as she dwelled behind the rest of her party.

    “Miss? You need to get a move on. You’re holding up the boats.” A gruff voice said from behind her, breaking her admiring stare.

    “Oh! I beg your pardon. I’ll go,” She responds, bowing her head slightly as she moved down the dock quickly. The dock worker leans over to his coworker standing beside him.

    “Now I just feel bad. ‘Begging pardon’ like that,” He said. He friend just sighed and went back to hitching the knot he was working at.

    “You’re the only guy I ever heard feel bad about someone sayin’ sorry,” His coworker said.
    As the girl took her first step off the wood of the dock and onto the city street she couldn’t help but notice that it wasn’t only the street that was lined with stones, the buildings and walls were as well. After looking around for a moment she saw a familiar red in the distance, peaking slightly over one of the cities tiled roofs.

    The city was filled with sound and movement, children laughing and adults talking. The occasional sound of the air whistling through the sky from the sea. As the was taking in the area a faint rustling near the tree edge of the city caught her eye. It seems when she locked her attention on it however, the rusting was gone. She moved on by to her destination.

    She took a small joy in the soft clack sound her shoes made against the old stones, putting a small hop in her step as she walked she continued down the street, more than likely catching more than a few peoples attention as she went. Eventually she made her way to red roof she had been searching for. Walking inside the entire atmosphere changed around her as the doors closed behind her. The white noise of clattering steps and gray color that was almost overbearing gave way to a mostly silent open room, sterile white walls and glistening counters surrounded her. She walked slowly toward the counter, the delightful steps she took outside echoed embarrassingly as she walked.

    “Hello, and welcome to the Pokémon Center.” The Pink haired woman says, in a cheerful tone, as the girl finally makes her way to the counter. “How may I help you today?”

    “Hello Ma’am, could you please tell me where the nearest league gym and contest hall are? I would like to register as a trainer and coordinator.” The girl said quietly, she had the feeling her voice would carry quite far in the quiet room.

    “Certainly, there is a gym just up the street with with the orange roof. Unfortunately there isn’t a contest hall her in town. But there is one in the next town over in Verdanturf Town.” The woman said again, matching her cheerful pitch from before.

    “Thank you.” The girl said, The pink haired woman simply nodded her head as the girl walked out the front door.

    After she managed to walk out the front door without making a echo, she stepped back out into the street again and moved toward the intersection. in the corner of her eye she noticed another rustling in the bush. Without moving her eyes she slowly reached for the pokeball on her belt. A moment later a voice called out behind her, causing her to flinch. The rustling stopped.

    Shaking her head she takes a moment to remember what she was doing. Going to the Gym, that right… walking down the road she got a better look at the city. It wasn’t just her imagining it, the entire city seemed to be set it stone, literally. The streets, the houses, even the decorations.

    “You seem a bit lost” a voice said from behind her. The girl turned again and saw a girl about her age in a blue jacket.

    “My name’s Haley, and you seem lost.” Haley said. The girl blinked in confusion before composing herself again.

    “Hello, My name is Nadia. I am trying to get to the gym” Nadia said. in one quick motion Haley’s eyes exploded and she smiled really wide.

    “Really! Thats where I’m going right now! Come with me!” Haley said grabbing Nadia’s hand and practically dragging her all the way up the street. “What a great way to start your morning” she thinks to herself as she tried her best to keep pace with her excited new friend.

    “That’s it! The rock-type gym, home to Roxanne!” Haley said with her hands raised high above her head. Haley turns to Nadia and gives her a half serious, half funny smirk.

    “Yes its a pun, she does not like people making jokes about it, she will grind you into the dirt during your battle if you say something.” She said. Nadia went to say something but before she could get the words out Haley pulled her through the door.

    Walking into the gym was a thing of wonder, the first thing that greeted her eyes was the skeleton of an enormous Pokémon embedded in the back wall. To the left and right were some equally large fossil high up on the walls.

    “Hello against Haley, are you here to challenge Roxanne again?” A well dressed man said, standing next to a statue.

    “I’m gonna do it this time, I have a trick up my sleeve!” Haley said. It was at this point that the well dressed man noticed Nadia standing awkwardly behind Haley, dodging her arms as she swung them.

    “Hello miss, are you planning on challenging Roxanne as well?” He said. Nadia shook her head.

    “I was hoping I would be able to sign up to be a trainer. I just arrived and would like to get my papers in order.” Nadia said. The man shook his head and waved for the girls to follow him.
    As they walked by there were a few younger kids digging away at the wall with instructors guiding them through recovering fossils, a few older men were standing around a table examining something in front of them. There was one man with a pickaxe trying and failing to bust through a rather large boulder near to the back of the large open room. The three of them arrived on a raised platform to a woman who was also about Nadia and Haley’s height, though noticeably older than them.

    “Welcome to the Rustboro City Pokemon Gym, My name is Roxanne… That being said, why am I not surprised that you are back so soon Haley?” Roxanne said, shaking her head as she said it.

    “No need to be so rude Roxxy, I’m just trying to show my new friend here around, But I do want to try fighting you again.” Haley said. For a moment Roxanne face turned red while she growled as the man from before coughed into his elbow. She stopped herself though when she took in the second part of what Haley said.

    “Friend? …Oh! This girl here?!” Roxanne said. Nadia stepped out from behind Haley and reached her hand out.

    “Hello, My name is Nadia, I would like to sign up to be a trainer, please?” Nadia said. Roxanne entire demeanor changed after Nadia finished talking. She started making squeaking sounds and jumping up and down in place.

    “You’re so CUTE.” Roxanne said, rushing past Nadia’s extended hand and giving her a bear hug. Nadia was completely surprised and looked back and forth between Haley and the man for help. Both of them shrugging. Once Roxanne managed to put down stepped back to her her spot and the daze that had overtaken her before seemed to leave her.

    “Sorry about that… I got excited, anyway… You said you wanted to register as a trainer?” Roxanne said, putting back on her official sounding voice.

    “Yes please…” Nadia said quietly, the shock of the previous moment not quite gone yet. Roxanne pulled out a clipboard from seemingly nowhere, along with a pair or reading glasses and a pen.

    “Name? Roxanne said.

    “Nadia Cantrell.” Nadia said.

    “Age?” Roxanne said.

    “16” Nadia said

    “Do you have a Pokémon with you? If so what is its species and how old is it?” Roxanne said.

    “I do, It is a Bunnelby, it will be 3 years old in about 2 months.” Nadia said.

    “Bunnelby? Are you from Kalos?” Roxanne asked.

    “Yes, I was born in Camphrier Town, but my family moved to Lumiose City not to long after I was born.” Nadia said.

    “That knocks off the next point on my list…” Roxanne said, hastily writing something down on her paper.

    “Have you taken the trainer service exam?” Roxanne said.

    “Yes.” Nadia said, handing Roxanne a paper she pulled out of her bag.

    “Alright, that should be all I need. But I do need to assess your prowess as a trainer to finish your trainer card.” Roxanne said. Nadia stared blankly at Roxanne for a few awkward moment.

    “This isn’t an official gym battle, this is just a friendly assessment to make sure you are ready for the gym challenge.” Roxanne continued. Nadia’s heart returned from it former spot in her throat back to her chest as she let herself breath again.

    Roxanne went on to have everyone who was standing on the battle area in the center part of the gym move out of the way. The man from before has left and came back with 2 flags. Haley had made her way to the side of the ring smiling intensely and bouncing up and down. Roxanne takes her place on the far side of the ring while Nadia stood opposite of her.

    “This is a Preliminary Aptitude Assessment Test! Each side is allowed to choose one Pokémon! Healing Items are restricted! The match will continue until 10 minutes have passed or until one side is unable to battle! If either trainers decisions are shown to be dangerous to the Pokémon involved, the battle will be drawn early and the trainer reprimanded! Nadia is the challenger, so she will have second choice in Pokémon.” The man said, waving his flags to emphasize his words.

    “LET THE BATTLE BEGIN!” He yells

    Bunnelby and Nadia start by standing before the intimidating stare of the Geodude. All at once the Geodude moves from its stationary position into a blindingly fast charge directly toward Bunnelby, Nadia wordlessly motions for Bunnelby to dodge left, Bunnelby narrowly dodging the oncoming meteor its opponent resembled as it blistered past.

    The two Pokémon now stood in each other positions, Bunnelby immediately moves in on the offensive. The Geodude hadn’t properly balanced itself after the miss, so Roxanne commanded it to throw up its defenses. The Geodude managed to barely deflect Bunnelby’s blinding attack.

    Geodude takes advantage of his position and grabs a nearby boulder at the behest of Roxanne, It crushes the boulder between its hands and throws the rubble upward in the direction of Bunnelby.

    Bunnelby finally manages to catch itself after being roughly deflected by Geodude’s last minute response to its attack, It looks back in the direction of Geodude only to be met with a shower of stones and rock flying toward it. Bunnelby starts panicking and begins to dodge the larger stones as its pelted with everything else.

    When Bunnelby finally manages stop dodging the rough stones it see’s Roxanne’s Geodude furiously beating its chest, causing small stones to fall from its body as it slowly begins glowing pink. Before Nadia or Bunnelby can properly respond, Geodude is already upon Bunnelby, landing a clean blow into Bunnelby’s stomach, Bunnelby fly far across the room, just barely managing to catch itself on its feet before slamming into the far wall of the room.

    Bunnelby pulls itself out of the small crevice that it found itself making in the wall and looked in Nadia’s direction. Without a word between them Nadia tells Bunnelby what to do in the way she does. Bunnelby leans forward and begins shaking furiously, its heartbeat speeds up tremendously and it begins to heat up as it glows pink. Bunnelby locks eyes with Geodude.

    Geodude, suspecting a counter attack, raising its arms again. After just a moment it begins to hear a low rumbling as as it lowers its guard again. It see’s Bunnelby hoisting a large boulder of its own and chucking it roughly in Geodude direction, though higher in the air. Geodude responds with a boulder of its own and chucks it in an interception path with Bunnelby’s boulder. The two massive stones collide in the air, causing a shower of dust and gravel to shower the field. Geodude returns its attention to the spot it suspected Bunnelby would still be in, only to find it missing. Geodude turns frantically around only to find itself seemingly alone on the battlefield.

    Before it could begin to process what Roxanne was yelling at it, Geodude heard Bunnelby’s trainer yell.

    “NOW” She screamed. The relative quiet of the battle was shattered first by the sudden command from Nadia, then by what sounded like and explosion above it, Geodude faced the air where its boulder collided, the dust cloud was still for only an instant before Bunnelby came flying downs from the sky feet first. Rather than simply landing on Geodude’s head, Bunnelby recoiled it legs just as it began touching Geodude. As a result, Bunnelby seemingly ceased all downward movement in the air as Geodude impacted the ground in a blur. The impact echoed across the gym dust kicked up again for the third time.

    When the dust settled for the last time, Bunnelby was standing in the spot it began the battle in as Geodude sat motionless in a sizable crater.

    “Geodude is unable to battle, the match goes to Nadia and Bunnelby!” The man says. Everyone in the room stands slack-jawed, Roxanne and Haley Included. Nadia recalls Bunnelby after giving it some scratches behind the ear. Roxanne walks up after recalling her Geodude.

    “Amazing job using the terrain to your advantage, Geodude was completely unready for that slight. On that note, here is your trainer card.” Roxanne says as she hands Nadia a card with her information on it, a small rectangle box, and some money.

    “Thank you kindly, If I’m being honest I was having a hard time figuring out how to attack Geodude with anything that would actually hurt it, I’m not used to facing floating Pokémon. But when you threw your boulder up I remembered that Bunnelby could jump higher after using agility. So I had it jump to the roof and bounce through the stones-” Nadia said.

    “And that worked as a way to power up the Bulldoze and it worked as a smokescreen…I’m curious… Where did you learn to battle?” Roxanne asked.

    “My mother is a gym leader, she gave me the egg for Bunnelby here. She also helped me train him.” Nadia said.

    “Oh, Its been a while since I’ve had a gym leader’s kid come through here and hand me my own Pokémon on a plate shaped like a hole in the ground.” Roxanne said. Suddenly pulling Nadia in for another bear hug.

    “Seriously, You have to tell me where you shop, I love your scarf” Roxanne said.

    Chapter 2: Happy Trails

    Nadia made her way over to the nearby bench, dusting off her shirt as she sat down. The shell shock of fighting a gym leader so soon had not yet worn off yet, she wasn’t used to battling anyone, let alone people who made it their job battling people.

    Nadia shook her head and tried to focus on the match at hand, it would be rude to not watch after making Haley wait for her chance at the badge. Haley was a bit strange now that she had a better chance to observe her, so far as she’s seen, Haley was overactive and chipper. Looking at her now you would swear she was being insincere before. Unlike most trainers she didn’t seem to call out commands for her Pokémon, a Shroomish, it was more like the Shroomish did as it pleased and looked to her for finishers. She would yell warnings and it responded without hesitation, but the two worked together like she was coaching it, rather than as a team.

    Roxanne was a different trainer, even from before. Every command was sharp, Geodude responded in kind, every motion and action was coordinated and clean. Geodude would occasionally dodge or reflect involuntarily to cover for Roxanne’s limited Viewpoint, but other than that the two of them were a well-oiled machine, they had their limits however. Geodude waited for every command, every plan, every idea. It would take a glancing blow from time to time as a response, but it was very slow in its execution. What attacks that did connect however were devastating, Shroomish had little to worry about however. Haley was playing out a battle in more ways than blow to blow.

    Early in the battle Shroomish appeared to whiff a spore throw, landing on the ground behind Geodude. Roxanne and Geodude were focused completely on the moment to moment battle, trying their best to work together to win by sheer force of will. Haley and Shroomish were more concerned with maneuvering Geodude into a disadvantageous position. All in all she was a bit surprised how basic the strategy was on Roxanne’s part. Before anybody besides Haley could tell, Geodude was beginning to feign, its movments were becoming slower and weaker. Shroomish began going on the offensive, landing blow after blow on geodude. Roxanne was becoming flustered over the situation. While everyone was focused on the two Pokémon and Roxanne in turn, Haley shouted out a command.

    “NOW!” She shouted, Shroomish broke from its attack and put a large distance between itself and Geodude, It braced itself as the Geodude went in for one final rush. Shroomish began to glow and green orbs flew from Geodude, its eye’s rolled back in its head as its levitation ceased and it landing roughly on the ground.

    “Geodude is unable to battle!” The man flagging the match said.

    Haley broke from her coach like demeanor to bounce up and down in joy, before hearing Roxanne yell out that she was sending in her next Pokémon. The moment finished Haley went right back to her battle stance.

    Roxanne’s next Pokémon was a Nosepass, a monster of an opponent. The golem of a Pokémon was much larger than Shroomish. Both Haley and Roxanne stared each other down waiting for the second round to begin. At the last moment Haley shouted out that she was going to switch her Pokémon. She recalled Shroomish and attached its Pokeball to her belt, grabbing another Pokéball from behind her.

    Haley sent out a Lotad.

    The battle began with quite a surprise, Lotad started releasing mist, a lot of mist, the entire open room was soon filled to the brim with spin chilling mist. It was hard to see the battle anymore, you could only now that either Pokémon was attacking was when large parts of the mist moved, presumably from the Pokémon moving around.

    Suddenly, the mist began clearing up, not dissipating but moving all in one direction. Sourcing to one spot, once the field was clearly visible again the true one-sidedness of the battle was apparent. Lotad was standing behind Nosepass as it looked back and forth. Roxanne yelled for it to turn around, but it was too late, the mist had formed into a floating orb of water directly above Nosepass. Lotad brought the orb down hard on Nosepass.

    The Nosepass rumbled only a moment longer before falling on its side. The match was flagged to end and Haley had won.

    Haley dived from her slightly raised platform into her Lotad, hugging it with all her might. Nadia got up from her seat and made her way to the door. Thoroughly enjoying both Roxanne and Haley's performance.

    After leaving the gym, Nadia made a B-Line for the Pokémon center, She could feel that Bunnelby wasn’t doing well after such a close attack. She rushed down the same streets that she was lead down before, finally coming to the sliding glass door she had hesitated walking through the first time.

    “Hello, and welcome back to the Pokémon Center.” The pink haired woman said as Nadia reached the front counter.

    “Hello again Ma’am, Could you please heal my Pokémon?” Nadia said. Handing over Bunnelby’s PokéBall.

    “I would be happy to assist. I’ll take your Pokémon for a few seconds…” She said, taking the PokéBall and placing it in the large machine behind her.

    “I’m surprised to see you back so soon, please tell me Roxanne didn’t go all out with you?” The Pink Haired Woman said. Nadia shook her head lightly.

    “I stayed to watch the gym battle that I held up. I made her wait to it was only fair I stay and watch as well.” Nadia replied.

    “A gym battle hmm? Let me guess… Was it-” She started. Suddenly the glass doors of the Pokémon center flew open.

    “Nurse Joy! I need healing!” Haley said. Dashing to the counter.

    “I’m sorry Haley, you will need to wait until this young woman’s Pokémon are healed. Don’t let your Pokémon out of their Pokéballs and they should be fine until we are done.” Nurse Joy said. Nadia waved awkwardly.

    “Why are you here Nadia? Your Bunnelby was barely even hurt.” Haley said. Nurse Joy snapped her fingers at Haley.

    “There is no such thing as ‘Barely even hurt’ Haley, no Pokémon should have to suffer their cuts and burns because you think they aren’t that bad. If you were blasted against a wall you would be brought to the Pokémon center and treated, even if you thought you weren’t hurt.” Nurse Joy scolded.

    “I’m sorry ma’am, that wasn’t what I meant.” Haley said, bowing her head. The healing machine made its healing jingle, catching Nurse Joy’s attention.

    “Oh! Thank you for waiting. Your Pokémon has finished healing. Please have a nice day!” Nurse Joy said, handing Nadia the PokéBall.

    “Thank you Ms. Joy.” Nadia said, bowing slightly as she said it before making her way to the door.

    “Hey Nadia!” Haley said. Nadia turned around to meet her.

    “We should have a battle sometime, you seem like a good trainer.” Haley continued.

    “I’m not so sure, maybe sometime in the future. You have a badge and I have only had one battle since arriving. The match would be quite short.” Nadia replied. Before Haley could get out another point Nadia managed to make it out the door. Haley stood quietly in the Pokémon center for a moment, not sure what Nadia meant when she said that. ‘The match would be quite short.’?

    Haley had saw what Nadia did in her match, she seemed like a natural pro. Every single movement during her battle with Roxanne was flawless, there’s no way someone like that would think they would lose so easily. She managed to beat a Geodude, Roxanne’s Geodude, on her first try. Even that was with a Pokémon that was at a disadvantage to begin with, and she did it on her first try. Haley’s thoughts circled back and forth in her head as her Pokémon healed in the machine behind her.

    Nadia had walked up the street away from the center, she pulled out her map and tried to find where she was heading next. Nurse Joy had said the Verdanturf Town had a contest hall and just past that was a gym. With that Nadia carefully put her map away and walked down the cobbled streets again, Toward Route 116.
    Reply With Quote
      #2    
    Old June 30th, 2018 (7:54 PM).
    psyanic's Avatar
    psyanic psyanic is offline
    we got love
       
      Join Date: May 2011
      Location: USA
      Age: 22
      Gender: Male
      Nature: Adamant
      Posts: 1,284
      I'm not sure how you wrote it previously, but I quite enjoyed how you wrote the battles this time around. I thought they way the battles took place were unique (granted, I haven't read any fics lately), and captured my attention for most of the battle. If anything, I'm curious as to how Haley practices what seems to be an advanced way of battling for someone who appears to be only beginning on her journey. The same goes for Nadia. Also, I thought it was strange that you said that Nadia was shaken battling a dedicated battler for the first time. Given that Nadia's mother is a gym leader, Nadia clearly has battling experience, and the way Nadia battled, I don't quite believe that this is Nadia's first rodeo. Perhaps this is answered in future chapters, but as of now it seems out of place.

      I have a couple of nitpicky comments that I would like to bring to your attention. When you write dialogue ending in a comma within the quotation, that is part of the same sentence as the attribution. For example:
      Quote:
      “Now I just feel bad. ‘Begging pardon’ like that,” He said.
      "He" should be without capitalization, because the attribution follows the quotation. So whenever you have quotation followed by an attribution, the attribution is not capitalized. "He was over there," he said. This occurs throughout both of these chapters, but it's a pretty easy fix.
      Quote:
      He friend just sighed and went back to hitching the knot he was working at.
      Bolded should be "His."
      Quote:
      As the was taking in the area a faint rustling near the tree edge of the city caught her eye.
      I think this is supposed to be "she"?
      Quote:
      It seems when she locked her attention on it however, the rusting was gone.
      Forgot an L here.
      Quote:
      She took a small joy in the soft clack sound her shoes made against the old stones, putting a small hop in her step as she walked she continued down the street, more than likely catching more than a few peoples attention as she went.
      This is a run-on sentence, easily fixed by a period before the bolded "she."
      Quote:
      Shaking her head she takes a moment to remember what she was doing.
      There should be a comma after the bolded. Use commas after introductory clauses/phrases/words that come before the main clause.

      I think this is a solid start, and I'm interested to see what else you have in store. If you have any questions, feel free to shoot me a PM or anything.
      Reply With Quote
      Reply

      Quick Reply

      Join the conversation!

      Create an account to post a reply in this thread, participate in other discussions, and more!

      Create a PokéCommunity Account
      Thread Tools

      Posting Rules
      You may not post new threads
      You may not post replies
      You may not post attachments
      You may not edit your posts

      BB code is On
      Smilies are On
      [IMG] code is On
      HTML code is Off
      Minimum Characters Per Post: 25

      Forum Jump


      All times are GMT -8. The time now is 5:16 PM.