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  #1    
Old September 14th, 2018 (12:23 PM). Edited September 25th, 2018 by LilyGardy.
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LilyGardy LilyGardy is offline
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    This story details the story of a Flower Shop Owner Rose who ends up having to join Team Magma. She grows to agree with Team Magma and their leader Maxie and over time becomes a key part of the team...

    World - ORAS Hoenn and Unova

    Chapter 1 - A Captured Rose

    Born in Castelia City, Unova Rose had moved to Hoenn to escape from the hustle and bustle of the City. She moved into the relatively quiet City of Rustboro quickly finding employment under the 3 Pretty Petal Flower Shop sisters. She was dedicated to her work and both her Pokemon Lilligant and Vileplume helped her tend to the flowers and other duties in the shop.

    As the sisters felt the shop to be unprofitable they went to set up shop elsewhere, Rose was reluctant to leave Rustboro and the sisters agreed to sell her the shop. The young woman brought in her own staff and they worked diligently. Both woman and Pokemon helped ensure the shop ran perfectly until one day a certain team clad in red decided to pay a visit...

    'Well, what do we have here,' Courtney said smugly as she barged into the shop. 'A cute little Flower Shop.'

    'How can I help you?' A young Aroma Lady asked kindly.

    Courtney tapped the horns on her hood and smiled. 'Ahhahaha Wouldn't it please my Leader if I was to make a statement.' Courtney looked at the young Aroma Lady who stepped back. 'If we were to just ransack this place.'

    Concerned for her staff Rose stepped forward and said 'Please do not intimidate my staff Magma.'

    Courtney walked straight up to Rose and stood nose to nose with her. She glared at the brunette and said 'My name is Courtney.' She laughed. 'You're outnumbered.'

    The Magma Admin snapped her fingers and yelled 'Grunts.'

    A team of 5 grunts surrounded the shop and 5 more flanked the female admin.

    'Grunts,' Courtney said again. 'Numels at the ready.'

    'Numel Num.' was heard around the shop as 5 Numel appeared.

    'Ladies,' Rose said. 'Glooms Go.'

    'Gloom, Gloom' The 4 Weed Pokemon said.

    'Ember,' The grunts yelled in stereo.

    'Sleep Powder,' The ladies responded.

    The Grass Pokemon moved before the Numb Pokemon and as a result all of the little Camel like Pokemon fell asleep.

    Courtney smiled smugly. 'Outside Grunts, burn this place down.'

    'Helen, Claire Turn the Garden Splinklers on,' Rose yelled.
    They did so and the outside Numel began to visibly weaken.

    'Blast it,' Courtney said throwing her Pokeball. 'Camerupt burn this place down. Lava Plume.'

    Camerupt let out a roar as fire shot out of both its humps.

    'Vileplume,' Rose responded. 'Use your Petal Dance to turn on all the sprinklers.'

    The Flower Pokemon span around quickly to and fro as Petals flew everywhere hitting the sprinklers.

    The sprinklers covered the shop in water quickly extinguishing the Camerupt's Lava.

    'Ahahaha,' Courtney said. 'These Aroma Ladies fight well.'

    'They caught us unaware Boss.' A male grunt said.

    Courtney laughed again. 'Grunts Grab their Leader.' Her expression darkened. 'I'm sure Maxie will be pleased with a new team member.'

    Before Rose could react two female grunts grabbed her by the arms and dragged her out of the shop. The Aroma Ladies were too scared to move.

    Despite Rose's protestations Courtney and the Grunts took her to the Team Magma Hideout.
    At the Team Magma Hideout Maxie was incensed.

    'You had a huge numbers advantage and you couldn't take a flower shop,' He said to Courtney disapprovingly.

    'Ahhahaha,' Courtney said. 'The environment wasn't ideal for us.'

    Maxie shook his head 'Aroma Ladies aren't exactly known for their battling prowess.'

    Courtney tried to smile. 'We did obtain a new member though.' She said smugly.
    The grunts brought Rose in.

    Maxie looked at the Aroma Lady. 'I trust you know who I am.'

    'Yes,' Rose said. 'You are the Leader of Team Magma Maxie.'

    'Few Grunts have answered that question correctly,' The Magma Leader said. 'Show me your Pokemon.'

    Rose asked her two Pokemon Lilligant and Vileplume to come out of their Pokeballs.

    'A Grass Trainer,' He said to himself. 'Grunts, you may go now.'

    Maxie looked at Rose and her Pokemon, he then touched his glasses.

    'Before you get our new friend her new uniform Courtney,' He said. 'I still have something to go through.'
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      #2    
    Old September 14th, 2018 (5:24 PM). Edited September 14th, 2018 by Bay.
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    Bay Bay is online now
    Darkinium Z
     
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    Hi there, and welcome to the writing section! Thought I would drop by real quick and check what you have here.

    Before I go on my thoughts on the first chapter, advice on two things.

    1) When posting on forums, it's advisable to double space after each paragraph otherwise the text gets all jumbled up. So like:

    1st paragraph

    2nd paragraph

    3rd paragraph, etc.

    An example how to do it with your story:

    Spoiler:
    'Well, what do we have here.' Courtney said smugly as she barged into the shop. 'A cute little Flower Shop.'

    'How can I help you?' A young Aroma Lady asked kindly.

    Courtney tapped the horns on her hood and smiled. 'Ahhahaha Wouldn't it please my Leader if I was to make a statement.' Courtney looked at the young Aroma Lady who stepped back. 'If we were to just ransack this place.'

    Concerned for her staff Rose stepped forward and said 'Please do not intimidate my staff Magma.'

    Courtney walked straight up to Rose and stood nose to nose with her. She glared at the brunette and said 'My name is Courtney.' She laughed. 'You're outnumbered.'

    The Magma Admin snapped her fingers and yelled 'Grunts.'

    A team of 5 grunts surrounded the shop and 5 more flanked the female admin.


    2) Your punctuation, specifically on dialogue, could use some work. Usually when punctuating dialogue you would use a comma instead of period if followed by a dialogue tag (he said, she replied, he asked, etc). For instance,

    "I don't like you," Kelly said, folding her arms agaisnt her chest.

    Only exception is if you don't follow the dialogue with a dialogue tag.

    "I don't like you." Kelly glared at Mike then turned away.

    I hope this makes sense! There's several more stuff I can talk about but I would google dialogue puncutation and familiarize yourselve with more of the rules there.

    Okay, onto the first chapter. Hm, I do wonder why Team Magma barges in a flower shop since I don't think it fits with their agenda at all. Also it's kind of odd Team Magma picks up a grass trainer when the majority of Team Magma's Pokemon are fire types with a mix of other types here and there.

    As for the prose, the quality of it is passable to be posted herea as you have the action going. However, I feel a lot of the emotional and scenery decription is missing. For instance, when Rose gets taken to Team Magma Hideout there's no description what its look it, the people in it, and Rose's thoughts while being taken there. Is she terrified, upset, forcing herself to not scream, etc.

    I don't have too much thoughts on the plot yet since it's only beginning, but I think the story will benefit the pacing to slow down a tad bit. I would read published novels to get a good idea on managing pacing and emotional descriptions. I might come and check once in a while if you continue this though, wish you luck on this story!
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      #3    
    Old October 10th, 2018 (12:57 PM).
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    VisionofMilotic VisionofMilotic is offline
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    I really loved it. I think you have in Rose a smart and competent main character, who also embodies the maturity and grace of a grass Pokemon trainer. I enjoyed reading about Rose's life and backstory, how she came to this point, her wish to retreat to a more calm and quiet, but also her industry and hard work. I like her a lot so far.

    I think you handled the battle scene very well, and I will take pointera here because that is something I myself could improve. I felt the pacing was just right it kept moving, it never dragged and liked the delightful details of Pokemon using attacks in practical ways like to keep the flower shop from catching on fire.

    Courtney and Maxie both seem in character, and I'm left in suspense about Rose's abduction. I particularly like the way Maxie was portrayed. Please keep sharing! Its wonderful!
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      #4    
    Old 4 Days Ago (1:21 PM). Edited 2 Days Ago by LilyGardy.
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    LilyGardy LilyGardy is offline
    Lilligant Trainer
       
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      Nature: Gentle
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      Chapter 2 - Rose the Magma Grunt

      'Courtney,' Maxie said. 'Please remind me what instructions I gave you this morning.'

      'Hahahaha,' Courtney laughed. 'It was to gain intel for our upcoming trip to Rustboro and the Devon Corporation.'

      'Very good.' Maxie said as he gave his admin a piercing stare. 'Your orders were not to try and knock over a flower shop but...'

      Rose gulped as Maxie turned to look at her.

      'You and your workers fought well against Courtney here,' He said calmly. 'I am sure you will be an asset to Team Magma.'

      'Hahahaha,' Courtney said. 'She is just a sweet Aroma Lady.'

      Maxie simply shook his head and pulled a Pokeball out of his desk drawer. He gave the Pokeball to Rose and said, 'Whilst starting grunts normally receive a Zubat I think you may be smart enough to handle the bats evolved form.

      'Thank you Maxie.' Rose said nervously holding the Pokeball.

      The Magma leader turned to the bookshelf behind him before looking at the two girls again. 'To expand the landmass to improve life for both humans and Pokemon,' He said. 'That is our goal, a quite noble one I am sure you agree.'

      Both Courtney and Rose nodded, awkwardly in Rose's case.

      'Courtney, please take our new grunt to her room.' He said before dismissing them both.

      Courtney grabbed the Aroma Lady's arm as they left Maxie's office. Once she knew the Magma Leader was out of earshot she put her face close to Rose and said, 'Maybe you did fight well at your precious little flower shop but you answer to me now. You got that?'

      The new Team Magma Grunt nodded but said nothing.

      As Courtney led her to her room Rose looked at the corridor walls - They were made of red stone. 'Had Team Magma and their Pokemon dug this hideout themselves?' She thought to herself. 'It's impressive if they did.' She thought to ask Courtney but thought better of it.

      The Admin stopped briefly. 'We have a Library here in this hideout,' She said. 'I don't see many Grunts ever there though, just Maxie and Tabitha.'

      'Who is Tabitha?' Rose asked.

      'He's the other admin here.' Courtney replied. 'But just listen to me and Maxie ok?'

      Rose guessed Courtney didn't respect this Tabitha guy but the library did look nice with its neatly arranged bookshelves. Perhaps she could read something to pass the time.

      Rose followed the Admin down the corridor until they stopped at a door. Courtney opened it and muttered, 'Ahhaha, you're about the same height as me.' She pulled out three sets of red and black grunt uniforms, a pair of red shoes and some all black pyjamas. She handed them to Rose who was visibly unimpressed.

      Courtney huffed and said, 'We can't have you walking around our hideout in a long skirt now can we?' The pair headed further down the corridor until they arrived at her room.

      The Admin opened the door and Rose saw a room far removed from the comfort she was used to. There were two beds - One unmade and untidy and the other perfectly neat. The bed looked very simple and cheap. Beside each bed was a small bedside cabinet and a very narrow wardrobe which was presumably to hang up spare uniforms. On one wall was a mirror which looked like it had not been cleaned in some time and surprisingly there was an en-suite bathroom but with a shower and toilet as basic as you can get.

      'Kitchen is further down the corridor. Your roommate will show you where it is. Wherever she is.' Courtney said. 'Remember you answer to me now.' She laughed as she closed the door and Rose sat on the bed looking at her new uniform. It was very red with a blood red undershirt and stockings. The shoes were a softer red but still striking. The sleeveless jumper was the same hue and had the Magma logo on. 'Was it M for Magma or M for Maxie?' She thought to herself as she went to change.

      She carefully put her new uniform on, carefully folding her garb and storing it in her wardrobe along with her heels. The Magma Uniform was far removed from what she normally wore. The skirt of the outfit was much shorter than what she usually wore and left most of her legs bare. She pulled the dark red socks up and after giving it a quick clean looked in the mirror at her new outfit. She noticed that her top had a hood, she pulled it up and saw that it had two horns on similar to Courtney's but these were smaller and black. She looked just like the female grunts that invaded her flower shop except for her brown hair which she tried to hide under her hood as best as she could.

      She headed back to the bed, threw the Pokeball and out popped a female Golbat. 'Gol Gol Gol Bat.' The Bat Pokemon said.

      'I guess I'm your new trainer now.' The new Grunt said petting the Golbat. 'I think I will not give you a nickname for now.'

      'Gol Gol bat.' Her new Pokemon said happily.

      'Lilligant,' Rose said as she called the Flowering Pokemon. 'Help me clean our new room.' The two then dusted and cleaned her side of the room and the mirror. She left the other bed, best to not go poking around. Golbat watched her new trainer with intrigue.

      Rose did not know the layout too well so just sat on her bed and played with her Pokemon until the door opened. 'Lilligant, Vileplume,' She said. 'In your Pokeballs quick.'

      Rose's roommate entered the room and took her hood down showing blueish - black hair in a slightly scruffy bob that went past her shoulders. She saw Rose and said, 'Oh, you must be my new roommate.'

      Rose nodded and said in a friendly manner, 'My name is Rose. What's yours?'

      'Sarah.' The grunt responded excitedly. 'I've not had a roommate for a while.'

      'I've cleaned up a bit.' Rose said. 'I hope you don't mind.'

      'Not at all.' Sarah responded. 'I don't need to worry about cleaning now.'

      Rose smiled and thought to herself that her fellow Grunt didn't worry about cleaning anyway.

      Sarah looked around and saw Rose's Golbat on the wardrobe. 'You have Golbat already,' She said. 'I still have Zubat.' She threw her own Pokeball and the little Zubat popped out.

      'I got him from Maxie.' Rose said.

      'You must be a good trainer then to get a Golbat from him.' Sarah said more excited still. 'You'll love it in Team Magma, promise.'

      'I'm sure.' Rose said smiling hoping she sounded believable as Sarah ran up to her with a small phone.

      'Selfie,' The Grunt said standing close to Rose and taking a picture before she could react. 'Now that's a nice picture.' She showed Rose the picture, it actually looked pretty good.

      Sarah left the room and Rose went to look in the mirror again. She took her hood down and put her hair in a ponytail. Team Magma had barged into her shop that morning and now here she was their newest member and in their uniform. The uniform felt comfortable and Maxie had been strangely nice to her...Still this wasn't her.

      She sat on her bed and closed her eyes. Perhaps a shower will clear her mind. It had been a very strange day.
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        #5    
      Old 3 Days Ago (7:02 PM).
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      VisionofMilotic VisionofMilotic is offline
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      I was excited about this one! I'm glad that we have another chapter where Maxie is prominent. You write him with the proper reserve and biting wit, yet he truly believes in his cause, as do they all.

      I think the jealousy and tension with Courtney tension feels right, and that you have captured her rather immature but competitive personality. I believe her adoration for Maxie.

      This reads very smoothly. Its nice seeing the human side of Team Magma, regular people who aren't really evil, they get up out of bed, get dressed go to work like you and me. I liked the introduction of Sarah as another original character. She describes like a beautiful woman.

      I also like how you keep Rose's pokemon active in the story as friends and seperate characters, not just coming out for battle, Its little touches like that where they help her clean up that add to the charm.

      This was a satisfying read for my weekend!
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        #6    
      Old 2 Days Ago (10:58 PM). Edited 2 Days Ago by Bay.
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      Darkinium Z
       
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      Oh cool a new chapter! This is a much better improvement from last chapter. The pacing is better as you have Rose take in the sights and sounds of the hideout this time, and we have a better idea what her feelings are throughout this.

      Maxie is portrayed fine here so far, and as for Courtney I assume you go with her speech in RSE and not ORAS? ORAS Courtney likes to talk in calculations, but here she's more lively. Sarah though she's fun already and can't wait to see how she and Rose interacts.

      Quote:
      'Was it M for Magma or M for Maxie?' She thought to herself as she went to change.
      I admit to chuckling at that part.

      Quote:
      She carefully put her new uniform on, carefully folding her Aroma Lady garb and storing it in her wardrobe along with her heels. The Magma Uniform was far removed from what she normally wore. The skirt of the outfit was much shorter than the Aroma Lady equivalent and left most of her legs bare.
      Aroma lady garb sounds strange and... technical? Even if there's official "Aroma Lady" class in your world where people can register as one, I feel not all Aroma ladies will wear the same clothes as shown in some of the games depending on region. I would just say "garb" and "her usual one she wore" on the bolded parts.

      At the moment I'm unsure where you'll take this premise but it does have some potential. Looking forward to more!
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