[Other Original] Diary of the Lonely [Part Three Up]

Today was a day that I'll remember for the rest of my life I imagine, never have I been so reminded of the humanity of others nor of my own pitiable nature. It was a beautiful day really, the sun shone vivid and bright from a cloudless sky, warming the skin of all those who walked beneath it. A light breeze kept the temperature manageable and the sounds of waves at the nearby beach created a peaceful atmosphere, mingled with the gleeful cries of children. How I hate these days. They bring out the beautiful people in all their glory, the people without a care in the world. They bring out the people who I can never be. In Spring and Summer I long for the return of the drab, empty grey landscape and the bitter cold. We're all a little more alike on those days, beautiful bodies are concealed behind layers of clothes and there's no bright smiles or carefree glee then. It's just a bunch of miserable individuals shuffling about there little lives desperate to return home.

I am nobody. I'm neither one of the beautiful people to be stared at and lusted over, nor am I one of the notably ugly gawked at in disgust. I possess no special talents, redeeming qualities or defining characteristics at all. I'm much like those grey days. Nobody acknowledges them until they have to and when they do it brings them no joy. That's what I've always thought anyway. However today has given me a sense of hope that I thought I had long since lost.

I sat alone in the warmth of that taunting sun in the middle of the day on the weekend. The beach was a short walk away from my unremarkable job working in an unremarkable store. I came there every break, every day. An unremarkable person's unremarkable routine. I don't really know why I do it. I have no love for the scenery, I despise the screaming children and I the only feelings I have towards to scantily clad beautiful people enjoying their days off are envy and hate. I hate them all really. I sit there and I watch them and I soak in my dislike for each and every one of these beings. I was there, sitting on the same bench I always chose with a wide view of the beach. I thought I would spend my brief respite from my droll job engaging in my sad little ritual as I always did, but then suddenly there she was.

I had been there watching the cretins for ten minutes or so when I suddenly became aware that someone had chosen to sit by my side. This was already a rare occurrence, there was plenty of other open benches or spaces in the sand. Nobody ever chose my company, or even noticed my presence, if there was other places they could be. Yet she chose the place by me. She was young, a few years younger than myself. Sandy hair tied up behind her head in a messy pony tail and wearing the uniform of a popular cafe from across the road. I avoided that place like the plague, always noisy and full of the kind of people I felt the most contempt for. In short, the people I felt the most jealousy towards. People who had happy lives, good looks and the kind of paycheck that let them eat at the overpriced establishment on a whim. I took her in quickly, with the brief of glances. Her being there made me uncomfortable. She was too happy with that bright smile and far too pretty to be sitting so close to me. It was unnerving. Like something was very wrong with the world.

We sat in silence for a while, neither acknowledging the other. It was a painful silence. It made me feel like it wouldn't matter if I sat on top of one of these people they wouldn't realise I was there unless I forced them to pay attention to me. I could tolerate it only for a few minutes before it was too much to take. I was about to get up and leave when suddenly a musical voice broke the deafening silence. At first I paid her no head, I assumed she was talking on the phone or to a passerby and was almost to my feet when I realised that she had spoken to me. "It's a beautiful day, isn't it?" she asked, looking at me as though I was one of them, like I was someone. She had the most dazzling blue eyes.

In that moment, all my misgivings about the world disappeared. Someone, someone so beautiful, was talking to me like I belonged there. The stale bitterness in my heart was replaced by a wild thundering as butterflies burst into life in my stomach in a swarm. I felt elated now, and a different kind of nervousness. I didn't want this bright light in my grey life to shut off and return me so abruptly to my bleak existence. We spoke for a while, or rather she spoke for the most part and I managed to stutter a few words whenever it seemed like I was supposed to. It was small talk of course, but meaningless words had never made me feel so happy. We talked about the weather, the people on the beach, her customers and even the seagulls pecking at scraps around us. I would have listened to her forever if I could. Sadly that is not how life works and soon it was time for us to part. Each of us had work to return to it seemed, but my day had been made just a little better. My meaningless job would not bother me so much for the rest of the day. It's a hollow joy though, I never even got her name before she was walking back towards that horrible cafe and the other beautiful people with their obnoxious children and fat wallets. Still, I am filled with a slight hope now. Maybe I do belong in this bright sunny world. I'm going to continue my daily ritual, I desperately want to meet this girl again. She's the first person to acknowledge me as a human being in so long and I can't give that up so easily.

This meandering job has never come to me so easy, I think I might even have smiled once or twice. The stifling atmosphere of the store, small with merchandise covering every available surface was normally suffocating. Any more than a few people in this store was too many and after a while it was nearly painful to look at. Not today though. Today the shop shone with a newfound brilliance - or perhaps the veil of grey over my eyes had merely been lifted? I truly cannot remember the last time I had felt so joyous. I was nervous, I was excited. My eyes were practically glued to the old clock on the wall as the hours until my break slowly ticked away. It was like the analogue contraption was mocking me, taking its time with those constant clicks. I would not let my frustration with an inanimate foe cloud such a wonderful day however! This was a new day of a new life and nothing was going to spoil it for me for in time I would be sitting on my bench at the beach and just maybe I'd see the anonymous girl with those brilliant blue eyes and sandy locks once more. There was no certainty here, but I felt as though there was. This was the only person in so long to willfully engage me and I couldn't imagine that being a lonesome, physical encounter.

It was a painstaking wait, but as the clock continued its taunting ticking my excitement only grew. I came to embrace the irritating sound as a sign that my escape from my unfortunate place of work was drawing closer and with it the time that I could once again be spoken to like a human being. It was with great pleasure that I finally stepped out from behind the dusty counter, walked directly past the customer approaching the desk and out into the warmth of the sun and the gentle breeze blowing in from the nearby ocean. Normally seeing the suave-looking man in a suit coming through the shop would have made my gut churn and my blood boil, but not today. This was my day and it wasn't going to be ripped from me by envy's raking talons.

The heat radiating down from the sky prickled at my skin as I began my short stroll to the beach. I waked past hordes of parents and children, of groups of raucous teenagers and couples with intertwining fingers. The discomfort these contented faces would normally have brought me did not trouble me for once. Today I did not hate these people and their smiling faces. I would never be beautiful like these people, but today I was one of them because someone knew I was a living being. Someone cared I existed.

I reached the beach quicker than normal, I guess I'd been moving at a faster pace without even realising it. Excitement and anticipation do strange things to a person. Not only was I smiling and moving at a reasonable speed instead of my usual grimace and crawl, but even the scenery looked different to me. The beautiful view used to feel like it was ridiculing me and the sun above felt as though it laughed at my existence from the sky. Not anymore, on this day I was at peace with the scenic expanse of the beach and it felt as though that same sun now grinned down at me, wishing me good fortune and offering its warm embrace.

I soon found my bench and took my place on the hard white wood. I sat back into the chair, not rigid with fury as I would normally be and allowed myself to relax and enjoy the soothing breeze kissing my skin. I fought the urge to close my eyes, I did not want to miss her approach this time. As time continued to pass I felt my anxiety and excitement grow. How long must I wait for her to appear? Surely she would show up before my break drew to a close. The thing about expectations however, is that they all too often are begging to be shattered in the most jarring and painful ways. This is why I had long since given up expecting anything of the world, but now I just couldn't help myself.

The hour of my break drew nearer and nearer to a close and as it became less and likely I would see that sweet smile or those gleaming eyes the more I returned to my usual demeanor. The children that laughed and played and the men and women sunning themselves on fluorescent beach towels, I began to feel myself being pushed away from the world that I had so briefly stepped into. Once again I felt contempt for these cheerful fools, the lucky and beautiful that I could never truly be one of, boiling in my gut as the butterflies that had fluttered around there since the previous day were slowly consumed by a raging swarm of wasps.

In the end my break time reached a sad conclusion and the girl I had hoped was my saviour never set foot on those scorching sands. I slumped back to the store, it's pleasant atmosphere returned to the monotonous hell I had grown accustomed to. The clock still ticked along on the wall, it felt like it was basking in my misery. I went about my day as I always had, consumed by a dislike for the bleak world I lived in and wishing I could reach across the counter and strangle every soul that set foot in the shop. However, as I always had, I merely remained a blank facade. I displayed none of my despair and they saw nothing of me as they always did, once more I was just another part of each customers weekend chores.

Even as I write this, I can feel the grip of sadness and disappointment around my throat like an invisible noose. I will not give in yet though. I did not see that nameless, angelic beauty today but she works merely across the street from the despicable paradise where I have spent so many hours loathing humanity. That means that there's still a chance I'll hear her musical voice in my ear again. So long as I have that logic and that fragile hope I can struggle through the coming days until at last we meet again. I can't let go of that dream yet.

I haven't put my thoughts to paper for days. Why would I when only my continued frustration and disappointment would fill the pages. It might be therapeutic to write my thoughts down, but I have no desire to write the same words every time I pick up this pen. Things are different this time though, I feel like I have something worthwhile to write once more.

It has been several days since my last entry, painful days of waiting and hoping and being disappointed over and over again. I continued my usual routine, I worked my boring job and whiled away my break time surrounded by smiling people in the shimmering sun whilst I brooded and bemoaned my own misery. Every time footsteps drew close to me, my breath caught in my chest and my head swiveled in the direction of the sound like a bloodhound who has found the sent of a fox. Each time my eyes were met only by a passerby who like just about everyone else did not know I was there.

More and more it felt like I was falling back into the dark chasm I had so briefly crawled out from. The sun once once a pleasant sensation on my skin returning to a tantalising light above my head, beckoning me towards happiness that was so hard to obtain. Even to me it seems strange, sad even, to be so damaged by her failure to return to my bench. Why should a fleeting meeting have such a profound in pact on me? Why should I be so desperate so see the face of a stranger who spoke but a few words to me? It is indeed a depressing thing, but I am a sad man. When nobody is willing to acknowledge your existence unless forced to by circumstances beyond their control, when you are nobody to the world but one of the faceless masses, a part of their daily regime that they are forced to comply with, even a few words in passing can mean the world. Someone simply treating you like a person can lift you out of that chasm in an instant and I am simply grasping at that breeze trying to hold onto it.

I write this diary to turn my thoughts and feelings into something tangible, to create proof that I exist as a human being and that I'm not just a featureless part of the landscape in the store, or at that beach. She had given me hope that I would one day no longer need to resort to immortalising the most pathetic parts of my self just to prove that I'm a part of the same reality as the beautiful people I scorn from my seat. Today, after waiting so long and fearing she would never return, I heard a greeting at my side and in an instant the dwindling flame of my hope roared to life in a blaze.

I turned my head and there she was, smiling that brilliant smile and gazing at me with those dazzling eyes. She had come back and what's more, she remembered me. As we spoke she expressed surprise to meet me in the exact same spot. I tried my best to muster a pleasant smile as I told her that I always came back to this same spot during my breaks. I lied and told her that I enjoyed the scenery. I could never let her know that I'm drawn to this place by a magnetic hatred instead of a desire to simply sit in peace in the warmth of the summer sun. She spoke to me about her job, about the customers that she saw all the time and about how she disliked their pretentious attitudes and disrespect. More and more I felt connected to her as I drank in her words whilst my heart hammered so loud in my chest that I feared that she might hear it.

I can say with utmost honesty that never before have I been so happy to hear another human being complain. The sound of her voice had me enthralled however and being spoken to like a living, breathing person instead of a machine made me feel more alive than I had felt in years. Conversation cannot go on like that though, you have to actively be a part of it or eventually it stops and a heavy silence hangs in the air weighing down on the air like lead around the ankles of a diver and you drown in the discomfort of it. With that in mind I felt anxiety flaring to life, I had to fight to maintain my calm demeanor as the words begun to flow less readily from her mouth as she searched for a way to keep speaking. I blurted out the first question that came to mind, anything to give the words a reason to come again.

I asked her what drove her to continue working so hard at an establishment she so despised. A light blush crept across her soft features at the question and she giggled the most melodic laugh I had ever heard. Her reaction simultaneously surprised me and made my heart leap for joy. She quickly returned to normal however, leaving me wishing to see that expression again. She was embarrassed she told me, because she thought it would sound childish. I needed to know however, so I prodded lightly and sure enough she happily, albeit shyly, divulged that she was pursuing a career in music as a singer and that she was working two jobs to pay for tuition at a special performing arts college. I think I smiled for real when she said that. Never before has a person been so suited to the stage, the way she seems to glow would draw the attention of even the most disinterested and even when she spoke her voice was music to the ears. I told her that she had nothing to be ashamed of and that it was perfectly fine to have dreams of success and fame or a passion for the arts and continuing to draw courage from her own I told her that I would love to hear her perform.

She laughed again when I said that, that beautiful clear sound filling my ears like the chiming of a bell.
"I will if you will" she said to me, her tone playful. I didn't understand and I just looked at her like a fool and she laughed once more. "I'll sing for you if you do it for me" she chuckled, teasing me and enjoying the look of horror on my face. I couldn't make a pleasant sound with my mouth if offered a million dollars, even my voice is dull and uninteresting. I continued to just stare at her dumbfounded, prompting another bout of laughter - not that I was complaining. She looked at me slyly
"Well what can you do?"

I sat there for a moment. Wondering what I could possibly do that would equal the chance to here her voice. The only thing I have ever been remotely good at is poetry, but I'd never shared anything I wrote with anyone before. I never even read my work aloud in class at school if I could avoid it though. In the end I realised I had been silent for too long and that things were definitely getting uncomfortable as the joy slowly begun to fade from her face. In a hurry, I forced a smile onto my face and told her I was a poet. Apparently that was a good answer, because the glee returned to her expression and she spoke once more.
"It's a deal" she said, adding "I'll be back tomorrow and I'll sing for you if you let me read one of your poems."

With that she stood to leave, but not before asking my name. I told her gladly and grinning at me again she told me that hers was Clarissa. I told her that it was an appropriate name, my turn to leave her stunned it seemed. She asked why, bemused and I replied that Clarissa means famous. I didn't tell her that it also means bright and that just by speaking to me on these days she made my life a little bit brighter. Now I need to get to work, I haven't written anything aside from these miserable diary entries for years and I need to produce something worth reading, that I can show Clarissa without shame. I'll work as hard as I have to in order to hear her praise me and to listen to that melodic voice in song.