As I Lay Dying

Gee, should have just handed me a knife back in these days!

You have a nice tempo, the only thing that irritates me is that 'lay' is past tense, while the rest of the verses are always present tense in your poem.

You bring up a good point...

I'll change that now.

And thanks.

Good poem, a bit depressing, but.. good poem

^ I woke up aching and hurting inside. Of course it was depressing. :D

Oni Raichu said:

You have a nice tempo, the only thing that irritates me is that 'lay' is past tense, while the rest of the verses are always present tense in your poem.

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I like this! It is depressing, but it has a good rhythm. And it rhymes!

I didn't know people still wrote depressing poetry that rhymes.

Also, just had to address this one:

Actually, if English class is still with me, lay is present tense. Laid is past tense.
... I think.
Lay is one of those weird words that you can never get the right form of.

But currently the title is wrong; lie is a fib. Lay was correct, I believe.

I think the correct one here would be lay;as a verb used with an object (oneself) it fits best into what I believe you're trying to express.

Lay is more often used with an object, for instance: "I lay a box on the floor". It describes the action of setting down something on a surface.

Lie is more commonly used without an object, as in to be reclined; "I lie on my bed". It describes something already resting on a surface.

Taking this into account, if your intention was to use the verb lie, then the poem probably should've been named "While I lie dying".