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Old October 1st, 2006 (1:33 PM).
Sejaa's Avatar
Sejaa Sejaa is offline
-x-Flannery Fan-x-
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Guess
Age: 24
Nature: Jolly
Posts: 17
Hey all i decided to write a fanfic Since im a advanceshipper Guess what its aimed at (duh) i just want to know if i should give up and never writing a story again or carry on and im not sure but should i make it longer?

(no advanceshipping in this chapter)

Chapter One

“Hey no fair you three got a head start!” Yelled May .

“Come on May catch up,” Responded Ash as he slowed down to let May catch up.

The four Ash, May, Max and Brock were having a fun time just playing around with a race to the pokemon centre.

“Come on you two Slowpoke’s,” Max Shouted.

“Hey Ash,” May Said.

“Yeh May?” He responded.

“Let’s sneak up on my brother and Brock,”

“Sure run into the tree’s when I say now,”


After about 20 seconds.

“Now,” Ash Said.

Both Ash and May ran into the forest by the side of them, May Fell onto her knee’s breathing deeply when Ash came up to her.

“You ok may?” Ash Asked.

“Yeh just tired,” May Replied.

Ash put out his hand and helped May onto her feet.

“Thanks’ Ash,”

“No problems now let’s go scare those two,”

May nodded and followed Ash.

At the pokemon centre

“Hey Brock have you seen Ash or my sister?” Asked Max.

“No I knew we were in front but not this far,” Replied Brock.

“Should we go back and look for them?”

“Nah I’m sure there just tried and decided to walk,”

“If you say so,” Max wondered.

Back at the forest

Ash and May got separated.

“May where are you?!” Ash Screamed worriedly.

There was no answer.


Ash Sprinted to the pokemon centre to get Max, and Brock.

To Be Continued

I just wanted to know if i could or not so should i carry on

p.s. any mistakes people can find is much appricated
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Old October 1st, 2006 (3:12 PM).
mrplanters's Avatar
mrplanters mrplanters is offline
The new meaning of legend
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: In a house
Age: 24
Nature: Bold
Posts: 672
It's okay i'm no reviewer of fan fic so i don't know how u could improve. I think it if you continue it, it will prove to be a decent story.

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Old October 1st, 2006 (7:14 PM).
Astinus's Avatar
Astinus Astinus is offline
Remember NovEnder
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Connecticut, USA
Age: 30
Gender: Male
Posts: 9,936
There really is no narrow place to start fixing your mistakes on your chapter. Grammar-wise, I would suggest that you get a proof-reader. You have words randomly capitalised. You have words that need to be capitalised not capitalised. All proper names and the first word of each sentence should be capitalised. Anything else shouldn't be. Like here:
“You ok may?” Ash Asked.
Should look like:
"You okay, May?" Ash asked.
You also need help with punctuation. Like in this sentence, the last punctuation should be a full stop, not a comma.
“Let’s sneak up on my brother and Brock.
Also, write out numerals. "20" should be "twenty".


Now, for description. You need some more of it. Instead of saying "In the woods" for a scene break, say "Ash and May were running through the woods."
You should also add in some more about the trees - tall, short, thick, evergreen, oak... That kind of things. Just basically take your five senses and your imagination, and imagine what you would see, smell, tough, hear, and (not really) taste in the place that your characters are.

When jumping from scene to scene, hit Enter, then have a mark of punctuation, then hit Enter again. Like I did to go from grammar to description.

Characters... Ack. Describe them as well. I can only imagine you thinking that "Hey, this is a board for Pokémon fans. Why don't they know what May looks like? Are they stupid?" No. We're not stupid here. It's just that describing the characters lets us know in what time period this takes place. Perhaps Ash and the crew are much older. Tell us what they are wearing and how their looks have changed.

Also, in describing characters, you should tell us of their feelings. Like how Ash felt when May disappeared. Scared? Nervous? Did he panic? Or was he happy she was gone? The way a character acts in a situation leads us readers to know them better.


I can't say anything for plot. Hey, it's only the first chapter! But, I am an Advanceshipper, and I want to see how things turn out. If you improve in the two areas I showed you, then things will be fine. Don't give up, no matter what. You can only improve with practice!
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Old October 2nd, 2006 (7:02 AM).
Sejaa's Avatar
Sejaa Sejaa is offline
-x-Flannery Fan-x-
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Guess
Age: 24
Nature: Jolly
Posts: 17
Hey thanks that helped me out Il keep that in mind, the reason that i put capitals in wrong places is i used to be a shift abuser One Who Writes Like This which im trying to stop. il think ill have a crack at writing it again do you mind if i send it to you in a pm so you can check it (i dont mind if you say no).
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