[Pokémon] Coltar - The Prophecy (Original Region)

Bay · Apr 2, 2018

A couple grammar stuff.

Spoiler:

"May I?" The soldier nodded and handed over his flask. "Kitiku, I want you to drink something. I know you hated us forcing you to drink Miltank milk, but we had to stop the bleeding." The officer offered the boy the flask but was met panic.

"The officer offered the boy the flask but was met panic" sounds a bit awkward. Also, how is Kitiku showned to be panic?" Perhaps, "The officer offered the boy the flaks but was met with Kitiku's panic scream."

"You don't have to take them if you don't want to. I trust you to make your own choice." James closed his eyes and put the tablets in his mouth. He tried to swallow them without water. Upon realising they weren't going down his throat he quickly grabbed a glass and poured some water in, before drinking. "Good. I suggest you get comfortable. I will wake you up in a few hours." James nodded as he curled himself up and closed his eyes and tried to get comfortable.
"I threw up again." James whispered, slightly afraid.
"It is okay. We will get that checked when we get back to Fehahra." James desperately tried to block out the pain from his bite and the shock he had received from spitting up blood in the corridor. "Incaresta, what can you tell me about these boys from personal experience?"

This is more of a style suggestion, but I admit to getting confused if the dialogue is James or Clarance here due to those parts having focus on James. Maybe if you break it up like this (and an occassional "Clarance said" here and there):

"You don't have to take them if you don't want to. I trust you to make your own choice."

James closed his eyes and put the tablets in his mouth. He tried to swallow them without water. Upon realising they weren't going down his throat he quickly grabbed a glass and poured some water in, before drinking.

"Good," Clarance said. "I suggest you get comfortable. I will wake you up in a few hours."

James nodded as he curled himself up and closed his eyes and tried to get comfortable.

"I threw up again." James whispered, slightly afraid.

"It is okay. We will get that checked when we get back to Fehahra."

James desperately tried to block out the pain from his bite and the shock he had received from spitting up blood in the corridor. [Maybe something here with Clarance looking back at Incaresta or something]

"Incaresta, what can you tell me about these boys from personal experience?"

I don't have much thoughts on the first two parts except I don't blame James for not trusting Clarance. I would feel the same way if I saw someone using a sleeping drug or something similar on my friends. The little jab Clarance did on Sutton's grammar/language there is a little amusing.

Parts 3 and 4, well the procedures both James and Kitiku had to endure sounds ouch there. I'm not sure how I feel about Kitiku's condition being "broken", though I take it that's the language being used back then. I actually wonder more how it wasn't discovered until now, but I take it Kitiku's family is poor and couldn't afford proper treatment/diagnosis there. Even with James's secret being blown, it's lucky Clarance didn't do anything about it. My impression on Tak's reaction to Kitiku and James there is mixed. While I get him being anry the two ran away, I didn't like him calling Kitiku "defective son" there.

The last part, not surprised the reaction to Clarance's proposal over getting rid of child slavery. At least the other proposals the other people were in favor with. With Pokemon being legal to use, wonder how that will affect James and the others now.

[Pokémon] Coltar - The Prophecy (Original Region)

Bay