The PokéCommunity Forums Create & Discover Fan Fiction and Writing Fanfiction Archive
Pokémon Through the Scope

Fanfiction Archive Finished works are archived here for easy reading.

 
 
Thread Tools
  #1    
Old March 16th, 2015 (8:13 AM).
Bay's Avatar
Bay Bay is online now
Darkinium Z
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Dani California
Gender: Female
Nature: Sassy
Posts: 5,324
Quote:
He had on a rough cloth shirt and pants, both dyed a patchwork of greens and browns. They were woven from scavenged mareep wool, making them waterproof and shock resistant. He wore a matching set of gloves, and he had spare cloth wrapped around his feet, which was tied into a knot over his Achilles heel. He also had a rough knapsack behind his back, tied across his waist with twine, and a belt knife, hilt sewn into the pants (missing period there)
I do like the description here as you're establishing Keith as a Pokemon hunter and that he'll be targeting some Pikachu (poor them later on :< ).

Quote:
He looked closer, and he could make out brown-tipped ears, meandering through the brush. As he watched, two more ears joined the first pair, followed by more. Brown-tipped jagged tails emerged from the grass, releasing a shower of sparks each time they touched.
Brown tipped sounds a bit repetitive here even though you described the ears and then the tail. I think you can take the second "brown" out as a jagged tail seemed to catch more attention, no matter the color.

One thing I highly recommend is to space out your paragraphs for easier reading. A couple people mentioned that on your first fanfic and you were able to do some of that on your second story. If you write your fanfics on a writing program like Google Docs or Word I can understand you can do indents and other formats, but when posting in forums it doesn't have the same features. But yeah, something to consider!

Other than that, I like the set up you have going on here. I don't read too much fanfics on Pokemon hunters, but that kind of premise is always interesting. There seems to be not too much plot going around now, though I understand this is for the flash fic challenge. I do believe this idea has lot of potential and different directions you can take it, so if you decide to continue this I'll keep an eye on it!
__________________

"Meowth are all right. They don't care who you are or anything."
Foul Play [Chapter Four up!]
  #2    
Old March 24th, 2015 (6:16 PM).
Bay's Avatar
Bay Bay is online now
Darkinium Z
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Dani California
Gender: Female
Nature: Sassy
Posts: 5,324
I'm already liking the setting you have here. The mentions of Pokemon on the walls gives a good picture the village rely on hunting quite a bit.

Heh the keeper is right over the mayor being angry for Keith leaving. I too wonder why he isn't going to teach another person, though that'll probably be revealed soon. I'm still curious over how his next hunt will be. I still think this is a cool premise, looking forward to more!
__________________

"Meowth are all right. They don't care who you are or anything."
Foul Play [Chapter Four up!]
  #3    
Old April 2nd, 2015 (6:07 PM).
Bay's Avatar
Bay Bay is online now
Darkinium Z
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Dani California
Gender: Female
Nature: Sassy
Posts: 5,324
Quote:
He was picking at his teeth with a skarmory feather that glinted in the moonlight.
Hm, I wonder how someone would pluck the feathers from a skarmory considering they're part steel, lol.

The feast scene sure made me hungry, haha.

I thought the scene with Hanek and Keith was bittersweet. Feel sorry for him when he mentioned about getting older. Nolan's name has come up a few times, makes me wonder if we'll hear more about him soon.

This is more a calm before the storm chapter but I still like it. Great work!
__________________

"Meowth are all right. They don't care who you are or anything."
Foul Play [Chapter Four up!]
  #4    
Old May 12th, 2015 (5:06 PM).
Bay's Avatar
Bay Bay is online now
Darkinium Z
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Dani California
Gender: Female
Nature: Sassy
Posts: 5,324
Finally caught up!

Ch 3 and 4
The part where Keith observed the Charizard for a while I like a lot. Interesting how the female Charizard took care of the male one for a bit before he died. Keith's last lines at end of Ch 3 was pretty good too.

I thought it was cute the Rattata was following Keith after he feed it and I chuckled over his reaction after the Pokemon evolved. A little sad the Raticate won't be around anymore, although the concept of "new bodies" sounds pretty fascinating and I want to know more about it.

Ch 5 and 6
Pretty interesting revelation Keith’s assassin is a Grovyle. I like the detail on how killed the Grovyle’s mother and that he didn’t deny his profession as a hunter.

The concept of humans and Pokemon living together reminds me a bit of the folklore from the Diamond/Pearl/Platinum games, which I assume where you got some of the inspiration? Either way though, that got me very curious how this will unfold. Ty’mir forcing him to speak the same language as the Pokemon got me suspicious that something’s up. Keith and Vera staying together for a bit could lead to interesting interactions.

Ch 7 and 8

Quote:
“For what?” The apothecary chuckled and said (missing comma) “grudges are for the young and reckless. I’m just grateful you got my granddaughter home. You hardly even put a scratch on her. I’d like to know how you did it, so I don’t have to break another one of my canes.”
Quote:
Keith turned from the hearth and said (missing comma) “I’m going to untie the restraints. After that, you have two options. Option A, you try to kill me right now, and considering your injuries and the fact you haven’t eaten in two days, well, it won’t end well.” He picked up a rock sitting next to him to emphasize his point.
Quote:
“Option B, you eat, regain your strength, and wait for a better chance to kill me (missing comma)” Keith finished as he poured the soup into two wooden bowls.
Quote:
“Something always happens to me when I listen to you (missing comma)” Verra answered, nodding towards the sheets she was trapped in.
Quote:
Verra sipped up the broth and spat it in his face. He wiped himself off with his shirt and said (missing comma) “you won’t kill me that way, so you might as well eat.”
Missing commas there. I noticed for most of those when you have He then replied, “etc.” you forgot the comma. I saw a few more, but I won’t pinpoint all of them. I think part of it has to do you’ve been posting the last few chapters at a few pace and not letting it at least stew over a couple days so that you can edit later.

Onto the chapters themselves, Vera’s grandmother already seems like a fun character. The part where Lin mentions not remembering her daughter’s face I felt pretty bad for her.

Not surprising Vera tried another assassination attempt at Keith, though him using Izzo was some creative quick thinking, I have to say. Their little hunting trip next chapter was a fun read too and nice glimpse at Keith’s apparent fear of drowning. While understandable Vera still won’t forget what he did to her mother, it’s good she apologized for her earlier behavior during their short outing.

I’ll admit going from the scene with Keith finding someplace where a Pokemon/human (?) can transform to a place where humans and Pokemon coexist is somewhat of a strange jump to me, although I think I have an idea of the connection now...maybe. I still enjoy reading this a lot though and looking forward to what happens next!
__________________

"Meowth are all right. They don't care who you are or anything."
Foul Play [Chapter Four up!]
  #5    
Old May 25th, 2015 (10:02 PM).
Bay's Avatar
Bay Bay is online now
Darkinium Z
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Dani California
Gender: Female
Nature: Sassy
Posts: 5,324
Quote:
“Has anyone seen Izzo?” Keith asked them.

Izzo? Wasn’t he here a moment ago? He couldn’t have gone far! Quickly, let’s find him!
Real quick, the bolded part was it Keith’s thoughts or someone else speaking? If the latter,quotation marks are missing. If the former, I think the narrative would flow better if the bolded part came before Keith asked where was Izzo.

Spoilers again incase.

Spoiler:
Pretty intense chapter there, with the monster looming over the village there. Must be pretty tough for Keith to be wounding (killing? the knife plunge sounds pretty deep ) Izzo like that. I’m assuming Keith will reflect some things in the aftermath of the monster incident. Until next chapter!
__________________

"Meowth are all right. They don't care who you are or anything."
Foul Play [Chapter Four up!]
  #6    
Old May 29th, 2015 (4:19 PM).
Bay's Avatar
Bay Bay is online now
Darkinium Z
 
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Dani California
Gender: Female
Nature: Sassy
Posts: 5,324
Ch 10
The beginning part with Ty'mir and Keith giving reasons as to why neither of them are fit to lead the town is a good way to show off their clashing personalities. And yeah, Keith is right that Ty'mir should groom his daughter to be the leader instead of him. Should be interesting though how he'll handle organizing the defenses.

I thought the last couple scenes between Keith and Vera are some nice moments, even if the hug was awkward for them. :p Also I thought you handle Keith's emotions concerning Izzo's death well.

Ch 11
Spoiler:
Concerning Keith being psychic, I’m going to guess the earlier chapter where he talked to Ty’mir about able to communicate the Pokemon language being part of it? If that’s the case it can work, though I’m looking forward to a clearer explanation of all this. Also since apparently he returned to his hometown again should be fun to see how that unfolds.


Things are progressing nicely there, looking forward to what happens next!
__________________

"Meowth are all right. They don't care who you are or anything."
Foul Play [Chapter Four up!]
  #7    
Old June 4th, 2015 (1:22 AM).
diamondpearl876's Avatar
diamondpearl876 diamondpearl876 is offline
you can breathe now. x
     
    Join Date: Jun 2007
    Location: Illinois, USA.
    Age: 25
    Nature: Careful
    Posts: 1,567
    Quote:
    Keith’s world narrowed down to a criss-cross of black lines, notched with smaller lines for reference points. His brown hair was kept just long enough to sway in the breeze, and his eyes, bleached a pale green from staring so long through refractive lenses, blinked so infrequently that people called him ‘snake’. He had a permanent ring around his right eye, caused when a tauros rammed straight into his rifle.
    I'm not sure if I know what the first sentence is trying to say. First sentences are always hard though, and it did make me want to go on to figure out just what it meant. The bits about his eyes are interesting character quirks.

    Quote:
    He had on a rough cloth shirt and pants, both dyed a patchwork of greens and browns. They were woven from scavenged mareep wool, making them waterproof and shock resistant. He wore a matching set of gloves, and he had spare cloth wrapped around his feet, which was tied into a knot over his Achilles heel. He also had a rough knapsack behind his back, tied across his waist with twine, and a belt knife, hilt sewn into the pants.
    Ah, now I think I get the first line - might want to rework it regardless, though. At any rate, I can't say I've read a good character description like this in quite a while, so kudos on that.

    Quote:
    Even though he could feel drops of blood soaking into the fabric of his shirt, he didn’t move.
    Dedicated and focused, isn't he?

    Quote:
    and he could make out brown-tipped ears, meandering through the brush.
    That comma there makes the reader pause unnecessarily, in my opinion - without it, the sentence might flow better

    Quote:
    A few of the red berries pop,
    "popped"

    Quote:
    A few of the red berries pop, spraying a shower of seeds onto the field that Keith could only see because the grass was so green, the seeds so dark, and the sun so bright that every detail was kept in sharp contrast.
    Just from reading what I've read so far, I think you can do better than "grass is green" and "sun is bright" - unless, of course, you meant to be plain in what you wrote

    Quote:
    Keith felt a surge of electricity through the gloves that caused his hands to go numb.
    I was under the impression that the gloves, too, were shock resistant

    Quote:
    Everyone bathed daily, but there lingered a faint scent of sweat and the barest hint of dirt on each person that couldn’t be scrubbed out with coarse cloths, crude lye soap, and river water.
    Interesting bit of description there. I like it

    Quote:
    “Good evenin’, snake.
    Even if it is a nickname, you should probably capitalize "snake" to ward off any confusion

    Quote:
    As Keith walked out of the lodge, Hanek shook his said and said, “the mayor’s gonna be furious.”
    For some reason, Keith already strikes me as the type who just doesn't care, and keeps to himself, doing what he wants along the way

    The conversation at the end of chapter 1 was very telling of a lot of things, but I wonder if it would have been made better with some descriptor/actions in between

    Anddd now it's 4am and I will stop here for now - will post again with more thoughts when I read again
      #8    
    Old June 4th, 2015 (9:22 PM).
    Bay's Avatar
    Bay Bay is online now
    Darkinium Z
     
    Join Date: May 2006
    Location: Dani California
    Gender: Female
    Nature: Sassy
    Posts: 5,324
    Quote:
    “Well, yes, but it isn’t that easy. Ah, to hell with it, I’ll be blunt. Are you familiar with the concept of going into heat?”

    “Yes? Where is this going?”

    “Verra’s going to go into heat soon, probably within the next month. It will be her first time, so she may not realize what’s happening until it is too late.” Lin rummaged around her boxes and pulled out a cloth-wrapped bottle. “If you notice her acting strangely – especially if her headleaf sticks up – give her a bit of this. It’ll help her sleep it off.”

    “Why me? Why not have Kendra, or someone else do it?”

    “Kendra wouldn’t allow her to go if she knew, and the others won’t be around her enough. So, do you promise me you’ll help her?”
    That's some request there, haha.

    Quote:
    “You’re right,” she said, “you’re not psychic. Father thinks this is because he reconstructed your arm, and the lingering traces of energy allowed the amulet’s energy to flow through you. And since that could make your arm explode, I won’t ask you to do it again.”

    “Oh, alright.” But a shadow of doubt lingered in his mind. The theory didn’t explain how the energy moved through his whole body, nor how he could hear the amulet. He debated pressing the issue and decided to stay silent.
    That explains how Keith got "psychic" powers, or at least part of it. I also remember Ty'mir mentioned he got his scars from healing Keith's arm.

    Good to hear Nolan being mentioned. Started to get worried he forgot about him, though I admit I forgot about him too. Looking forward to next chapter!
    __________________

    "Meowth are all right. They don't care who you are or anything."
    Foul Play [Chapter Four up!]
      #9    
    Old June 9th, 2015 (5:52 PM).
    diamondpearl876's Avatar
    diamondpearl876 diamondpearl876 is offline
    you can breathe now. x
       
      Join Date: Jun 2007
      Location: Illinois, USA.
      Age: 25
      Nature: Careful
      Posts: 1,567
      Ok, off of vacation and I can review chapter 2 for you

      Quote:
      Keith always hated the northern hunting grounds. Unlike the east, with its high cliffs and wide, grassy expanses, the northern plains were small and surrounded by dense forests. It left Keith standing out in the open, vulnerable to anything that charged at him.

      A herd of tauros were grazing at the other end of the clearing. Their tails lazily flicked away insects as they munched on the long, verdant grass, and their horns gleamed in the sunlight like ivory spears.
      There's not much of a transition between these two paragraphs. The first seems like it could give some insight into Keith's character, but it's rushed over to get straight to the "action". Nice description with what you have, though.

      Quote:
      The fourth slammed into the villagers’ spears, impaling itself on the fire-hardened tips. The villagers were thrown back with the force of the impact, but they all stood up without injuries.
      How likely is it for the tauros to simply run into the spear without the villager having to attack in any specific way?

      Quote:
      “Five! The snake got four by himself!”

      “Damn. Let’s get ‘em loaded!”
      Like this bit of dialogue here in particular.

      Quote:
      The wagons’ axles creaked and groaned, but Keith could tell the axles would hold.
      Saw Bay's comments about psychic powers before I quite got to it in-fic - interesting way to incorporate his powers without explicit mentioning of them, here.

      Quote:

      “I told you, Beckard, there’s no point in getting anything out of him. It’s like lookin’ for pidgey teeth.
      Missed quotation mark at the end, there.

      Quote:
      thatwafted
      Another typo.

      Quote:

      The communal hall was a huge, old metal barn. A single table, a hodge-podge of wooden slats mashed together with crude iron nails, sat at the center of the hall. Wooden benches, the younger cousins of the table, lined the edges of the table. The whole room was lit by a single LED bulb perched atop the ceiling like the North Star, and rows of wooden torches in crude sconces fastened to the walls.
      You do have a knack for describing setting, I must say

      Quote:
      Keith only had a sip while everyone else drained their mugs.When the conversations rose in volume, buoyed by the alcohol, Keith slunk out of the hall, seen by no one.
      Need a space in between sentences. Anyway, having Keith pretty much gulp down what he eats is an interesting quirk for a hunter - yet he still has this stealthy demeanor, as seen here. Not sure what to make of him yet.

      Quote:
      “But I might not be here. I’m getting old, snake. My pops wasn’t much older than me when he went, nor my mom. I find more gray hairs in my beard every mornin’. My bones creak, my hands ache, and I have trouble remembering where I put my knives. Heck, this feather took me ten minutes to find.”
      I see it's your tendency to put bare dialogue in your stories - the characters are, for the most part, distinct, but it's really Keith that stands out. You might be favoring him and ignoring everyone else to a certain extent.
        #10    
      Old June 14th, 2015 (8:44 PM).
      Bay's Avatar
      Bay Bay is online now
      Darkinium Z
       
      Join Date: May 2006
      Location: Dani California
      Gender: Female
      Nature: Sassy
      Posts: 5,324
      Ch13
      Quote:
      Verra walked inside and approached the closed curtain. “What’s behind this?” she asked, sliding the curtain aside. Sitting on the bed, underneath the covers, was a desiccated human corpse. Its mummified fingers clung to the sheets, and it stared up at the ceiling. Verra leapt back and stumbled into everyone behind her.

      “I call him Fred,” Keith said. “I found him like that over twenty years ago.”
      I would react the same way haha.

      Quote:
      erra chuckled and said, “I think we’re beyond that point.” She sat down next to him and leaned against his shoulder. “So, what do you hear down here?”

      “The heartbeat of the world.” Verra smirked, and he said, “I’m serious. The cave pulses with energy, and I can feel every surface in my mind, like everything radiates a blue color I can see through my eyelids. Close your eyes and listen. I’m sure you could hear it.”

      Verra closed her eyes and waited a few seconds. “I don’t hear anything.”

      “You aren’t trying hard enough. Wait a little longer, it takes time to adjust.”

      Verra fell silent, and they sat together for an hour. After a minute, Verra’s hand slid into his, and although he had half a mind to move, he found the warmth of her fingers soothing. As Keith started to wonder if she heard the cave’s pulse, Verra’s head slid off his shoulder. He carried her up the stairs, tucked her into her bed, and returned to the cave.
      It seems more cute moments between Keith and Vera are starting to come up :p

      I thought this was a fun little chapter with Keith showing the Pokemon some technological stuff. Guess this can be considered a secret base, only quite bigger.

      Ch 14
      I started to get suspicious when Keith had Kendra unconscious and the mention of blood from his ears. I feel Verra should be a bit more worried as to what he was doing before he caught Kendra and her in the cave.

      It’s pretty interesting though a Zoroark is the one that was responsible for destroying the city a few chapters back. Going to assume the sibling there will go to Keith’s village sooner or later.

      Ch 15
      I actually don’t think this chapter is too heavy dialogue until at the end. The supposed hunter makes for good brief conflict there. As for your concern about Keith dancing around the truth, I can understand why you’re worried about that but I think it would be more realistic he would hesitate saying what is really going on.

      Looking forward to more!
      __________________

      "Meowth are all right. They don't care who you are or anything."
      Foul Play [Chapter Four up!]
        #11    
      Old June 19th, 2015 (8:20 PM).
      Bay's Avatar
      Bay Bay is online now
      Darkinium Z
       
      Join Date: May 2006
      Location: Dani California
      Gender: Female
      Nature: Sassy
      Posts: 5,324
      Quote:
      Kendra kept her hands at her side. “I’m afraid the teachings of the Great Serpent Arkus do not permit such contact.”

      The mayor withdrew his hand and said, “Is that so? Those teachings also have you wear those masks, don’t they?”

      “Yes. Ancient legends speak of shape-shifters that can steal the form of anyone they see or feel. The tradition was started to ward them off.”

      “Why do your people worship Arkus? I’ve never heard of such a legend.”

      Kendra paused a few seconds before answering, “Long ago, our people were attacked by a powerful, evil stone creature that towered over buildings and knocked over trees. The Great Serpent defended our ancestors with its holy fire and lightning, casting the fiend into the dark pit from whence it came. It also revealed the False Ones, banishing them with its powers. The Holy One then imparted them with the knowledge needed to thwart what darkness remained.”

      Keith kept his expression calm, but he could feel his blood boiling beneath his skin. The moment he told the group about his nickname came to mind as a drop of sweat trickled down his hand. His mouth itched with the urge to speak out, but he forced himself to stay silent.
      Good fake religion there, heh.

      I like the scene between Verra and Keith when she found her mother’s headleaf. A kiss on the cheek, huh? :P

      Quote:
      “He slipped in a river and banged up his shoulder,” another soldier answered.

      Keith held up his blood-stained hand and turned to the fake soldier. “Must’ve been a sharp rock. I hope you recover swiftly.”

      As Keith walked away, he unslung his rifle and held it in his hands. He contemplated turning around and shooting the pokemon, but he knew he’d be shot dead. Instead, he used the last light of the day to return to his hut. He threw some logs onto the coals, and just after he got a fire going, a knock came from his door. Kendra walked into his hut and took a seat on the floor.
      Yeah I feel the Pokemon will make their move very soon…

      Quote:
      “I couldn’t agree more. After all, you’re seventy years old now, aren’t you? I can’t imagine you having much time to spare.”

      The hunter remained silent as Keith pulled the casing from his pocket. “You have a distinctive thumbprint, Nolan.”

      Nolan stood up and walked towards the door. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to return─”

      “Why is the Empire working with those pokemon?”

      Nolan stopped in the doorway, turned around, and walked up to Keith. He whispered in his ear, “If you want to live to be as old as I am, get as far away from this as possible. I don’t want to kill you, but I will if I’m ordered to.”
      Oh, hey there Nolan. What he whispered to Keith, though, sounds serious.

      Spoiler:
      Concerning the last couple scenes, I’m assuming someone put something in the wine and want Keith and Verra to be caught on purpose. That Pokemon, perhaps?


      Still look forward to what happens next!
      __________________

      "Meowth are all right. They don't care who you are or anything."
      Foul Play [Chapter Four up!]
        #12    
      Old June 21st, 2015 (7:01 PM).
      Sike_Saner's Avatar
      Sike_Saner Sike_Saner is offline
      *aromatisse noise*
         
        Join Date: Oct 2006
        Location: Earth
        Age: 35
        Gender: Female
        Nature: Timid
        Posts: 162
        All righty, time to read this. I'll be commenting on little bits and pieces as I go along, and you'll get them unfiltered, so you might see questions that'll have already answered themselves and first/second/so forth impressions that don't match the ones I'll have by the time I've caught up with the latest chapter.

        Also, there'll probably be jokes, because that's just how I roll.

        Spoiler: I'll stick it in here if it turns out balls long.
        Quote:
        The first was a clean shot in between the eyes. It still had sticky blue juices at the corner of its mouth, and it seemed to have a smile on its face. Keith cut off the ears and put them in the pouch at his waist.

        The second was still twitching. The bullet hit it in the thigh, causing a slow yet lethal loss of blood. Keith swiftly grabbed its head and jabbed the knife point into the base of its skull, causing it to jerk in panic before it fell limp. Keith felt a surge of electricity through the gloves that caused his hands to go numb. After he rubbed feeling back into his fingers, he sliced off the ears and dropped them in his pouch. He stopped only to collect his rope and bullet shells before leaving the plains.
        Ears, eh? Of course I immediately began wondering what he's taking them for, and my mind went straight to sow's ears. Chew toys. Somehow I get the feeling these aren't actually being harvested for dogmon, but time may tell.

        Quote:
        Anytime someone asked how his day was, he held up two fingers.
        Not the middle fingers, of course, hilarious though that'd be.

        Quote:
        The third had its head lowered, shielding its body with its thick skull and horns. Keith knew better to aim between the eyes and instead aimed above its head, at the spinal cord. Keith’s shot pierced the tauros’ neck behind the skull, and it instantly collapsed. It slid to a stop just inches away from the barrel of his rifle.
        Whoo! Talk about a close call.

        Quote:
        Once the food was redistributed, the mayor gave the word and everyone turned around. Keith saw that he was correct; only Maria could slice beef so thinly, the au jus was a perfect, homogenous liquid, and the loaf of bread vented steam through its sliced crust like a chimney.
        Oh lord this is making me want a roast beef sandwich like nobody's business.

        Quote:
        Keith readied his knife, but his arm brushed against his bulging pack, reminding him that he didn’t have the room for a kill. Instead, he looked at the cakes in his lap and tossed one towards the rattata.

        It took a few cautious steps towards the pastry, sniffed it, and took a small bite. It seemed astounded by the taste of honey and gobbled the rest in a few oversized bites, then it took a long drink from the spring before running off.
        That was as cute as it was pragmatic.

        Quote:
        Keith watched the female charizard with a hand on his gun, but her eyes were not on him. Staring at the dead charizard, she dug her claws into her shoulder, leaving four deep gouge marks. She smeared the blood onto the charizard’s forehead and flew off.
        I love it when we get to see bits of a pokémon's culture like that.

        Quote:
        “They’re animals. Some animals are smarter than others, but they’re still just animals.”

        The blade slipped, leaving a long, shallow cut on his thumb. He wrapped it carefully and continued talking.

        “Come to think of it, humans are animals too. Sure, we’re smarter and more civilized, but we’re all made of the same stuff. We’re all just a bunch of animals.”
        That's right, son. Get those eyes open, bit by bit.

        Quote:
        A single metallic snick was his only warning. Keith threw himself left, and a crossbow bolt buried itself in a tree trunk behind him. He fired off a shot, pulled the bolt back, and waited. The branches told him his assailant was retreating, but he didn’t put his rifle away. He didn’t even turn the safety on.

        He first inspected the bolt. Though it was a crude stone point on a wooden shaft, the bolt was buried an inch in the tree’s thick bark. Keeping his rifle up, he searched the area ahead for signs of blood, but he knew that he missed.

        He kept his rifle out at all times over the next few nights. The sound of wing-beats and insect chittering unnerved him, but it wasn’t until the third night that he heard the groans of branches, creeping steadily closer. He waited for the sounds to approach before he turned around and fired. The assailant ducked the shot, swung from the branch, and fired before retreating. The bolt sailed far overhead, losing itself in the leafy ceiling.

        Five more days passed without a sign of the assailant. Keith slowed his progress so he could sleep lightly, and he kept both his rifle and his crossbow ready.
        I wonder what his assailant is. Emphasis on "what".

        Quote:
        On the tenth day, he ran into a new kind of trap. There was no wire, no snare, no warning. As he walked around, a crossbow clicked in the trees, and a bolt sailed through the air towards him. He dodged, but the bolt scored a deep gash on his cheek. He aimed at the tree, but all he saw were a crossbow and a rope leading away from it.
        And there go my thoughts to the first time I found a jungle temple on Minecraft. Arrows, arrows, and arrows. Plus a couple of jerkhole creepers decided I wasn't allowed to get away with the loot. Good times.

        Quote:
        “Damn it,” he said. “I’ll find another way.”

        He heard the wind whisper “there is another way,” and a tree to his right opened like a zipper. Keith stood, putting most of his weight on his good leg as he limped through the tree.

        The other side seemed to stretch on forever. Between him and a pool of white water was a stretch of short, verdant grass. Everything beyond that was a pale cream color a few shades darker than the pool. The light seemed to rise up from the pool itself and coat everything like mist.
        !

        Well this is certainly unexpected. Color me intrigued.

        Quote:
        The voice paused a moment before answering none. Keith walked over to the spring, cupped his hands, and poured the white liquid into the raticate’s mouth. Its body quivered, and the white liquid gushed from its wounds, enveloping the body. The liquid squirmed and writhed until it evaporated, leaving a white and blue bird with an enormous orange beak.

        Keith clenched his fists. “You said there would be no price to pay.”

        “There was no price.”

        “Then explain this!”

        “I bestow new bodies unto those that need them.”
        !!!

        Intriguingness intensifies, and also becomes a word.

        Quote:
        “Don’t you dare,” Keith growled. “Killing her would be kinder than destroying her personality.”

        “What makes you say this?”

        “I’ve seen it once already. I have no wish to see it happen again.”
        Keith's ethics fascinate me. Also I can't help but suspect that he's referring to an incident other than what happened to the raticate. It'd certainly explain why he reacted so adversely to said raticate's... remaking.

        Quote:
        The last thing Ty’mir said before Keith blacked out was “if you think this is bad, you’d really hate my sister.”
        is instantly intrigued about his sister

        Quote:
        Keith gestured at the powder. “Seven point five parts saltpeter, one point five charcoal, one sulfur, ground together for two hours makes gunpowder.”
        Or, y'know, you could just shoot a creeper.

        Quote:
        Keith reached up to touch his face and stopped an inch short of shocking himself. He whirled around and strode back to the smithy. As Verra crossed the door, Keith slammed his left hand onto the anvil, and the pile of gunpowder sitting on it exploded.

        Verra screamed and jumped out the door. Keith hunched over and held his hands over his ears.
        slkdfskdjfsd well that's certainly one way to shoo a lizard out...

        Quote:
        As Kendra walked down the steps, Ty’mir watched the clouds, holding the cane next to him with his mind. A single purple bolt raced across the clouds, and Ty’mir’s psychic grip flickered. The cane fell to the floor. Ty’mir picked it up and turned it over in his hands.

        A twinge of pain, in between his ears, made him blink his eyes. It grew, worming its way through his head. He lowered himself to the floor, gripping his head as the pain slowly blackened his world.
        Oh muk...

        Quote:
        Keith kicked the door down and ran inside. Ty’mir was lying on the floor, clutching his head. His cane had rolled into the kitchen.

        Verra dashed over to his side. “Elder! What’s wrong?”
        "I couldda hadda V8..."

        Quote:
        “Here’s what’s happening,” Keith said after he jumped off the roof. “Ty’mir’s ill and a fifty foot monster is about to attack the city. We have three hours. What’s the most powerful weapon we have?”

        One guard answered swords, and the other, Keith’s rifle.
        WELP.

        Quote:
        Electricity also rushed through Keith arm. The mareep wool on his arm burned with his own flesh, and he could feel the heat seep into his bones. He couldn’t help but scream, but his body was in such agony his lungs wouldn’t draw in air. He staggered away from the cannon, mouth agape, screaming silently as he reached out with his charred hand. Fingerbones, gray and smoking, fell from his hand as the tendons burned.
        Now there's a nice, gruesome image. :D

        Quote:
        Ty’mir hobbled over to a chair and sat down. “Ever since I was a child, I hated my powers. I was always told I had those powers came with a responsibility towards everyone around me. I had to help the wounded, give shelter to the poor, provide for the needy. My sister reveled in her power, using it to help anyone she wanted, but I just wanted to be left alone. Instead, people flocked to me for aid, and over time, this city grew. As more people arrived, they placed a greater strain on my mind. I had to create and teach a whole language just to keep the peace! Many times, I contemplated drinking poison to rid myself of this curse, but I couldn’t, not with the knowledge of how much everyone below me would suffer. Then you came and saved these people when I could not. You nearly gave your life to protect this town, and in you, I saw an opportunity. I regenerated as much of your flesh as I could, and the energy backlash robbed me of my powers and sight. Now, I can live in peace, the selfish dream I always held in my heart.”

        “And that gives you the right to dump all your responsibility on me?”

        “What can I say?” Ty’mir asked, waving his cane. “I’m a selfish bastard and I’m unfit for leadership.”
        Pfffff, that response. I like this alakazam.

        Quote:
        “You’re unfit? I can’t even stand to be around people. Crowds give me headaches, and anytime there’s a party, even when it’s for me, I always sneak off and sit alone.”

        “I’m blind as a bat! I couldn’t even tell you where the door was in my own house!”

        “I can’t swim!” Keith shouted. “Do you think I’d have anyone’s respect if they saw me try to cross a river?”

        “I’m so frail, I can’t even walk across my own home without a cane, much less a river!”
        This both is and isn't a bragging contest and it amuses the heck out of me.

        Quote:
        “Leave it, please. I’ve been healed enough.”

        “I need the practice.”

        “Practice on someone else,” Keith retorted.

        Kendra straightened up and smoothed back her hair. “As the new leader of Palsitore, I hereby order you to allow me to heal your cut.”

        “And if I refuse?”

        “Then you’ll undermine my authority, and you’ll have to lead the city.”
        Well played, Kendra. Very well played.

        Quote:
        “You’re right,” she said, “you’re not psychic. Father thinks this is because he reconstructed your arm, and the lingering traces of energy allowed the amulet’s energy to flow through you. And since that could make your arm explode, I won’t ask you to do it again.”
        ...is it bad that I immediately began hoping she'd reconsider

        Quote:
        Six blue, muscular pokemon, which Keith learned were called Machoke
        Ah. I'd suspected that's what they were, though part of me was beginning to play with the notion of them being hypermuscular azumarill, because of course it was.

        Quote:
        The door across from the bedrooms held a large entertainment room, with a twenty-foot plasma screen television mounted into the far wall, a dozen couches arranged in concentric rings across the floor, tables and footrests, speakers spread out on the wall, and a small glass closet beneath the television.

        “Have a seat everyone. You’re about to see something from before the Day of Ruin.”
        Oh hello thar, post-apocalyptic setting. Had Verra your skill in sneaking up on a person, Keith's story would've ended many chapters ago.

        Quote:
        “I have no clue what this stuff is, but it’s called Sprecher’s Root Beer, and it’s good. Take one and twist the top off.”
        Oh my psyduck yes, I could do with some root beer right about now...

        Quote:
        As Keith started to wonder if she heard the cave’s pulse, Verra’s head slid off his shoulder. He carried her up the stairs, tucked her into her bed, and returned to the cave.
        D'aww.

        Quote:
        Keith led the way to the kitchen, where strips of meat and round brown lumps were set onto each plate.

        “Careful,” Keith said, “the brown things are hot. I don’t know what they’re called, but they’re filling.”


        Quote:
        Keith pointed his rifle at the man on the right. “You next.”

        He picked up the knife, held his hand above his head, and sliced at the empty air between his hand and his hair. A handful of red and black fur appeared in his hand, and he held it up for the breeze to carry away.

        “You win,” he said. His body rippled, and the pokemon underneath the illusion was revealed. It was covered in black fur, with red highlights in its long, flowing hair, crimson claws on its hands and feet, and bright green eyes. The pokemon smiled at Keith.
        Ah, I was wondering if/when a zoroark would be making an appearance.

        Quote:
        She walked away, and everyone parted around her. As she reached the edge of the convoy, Keith raised and fired his rifle. The bullet passed an inch away from the pokemon’s head, breaking a hole through the invisible barrier around her with a purple flash.

        “I thought so,” Keith said, pulling back the bolt on his rifle. “Your brother attacked the city of Palsitore, and I was the one that killed him.”
        ...and then it turns out a zoroark already had! Well played.

        Quote:
        A small green light flashing off of Verra’s cloak caught his eye. It took Keith a few seconds to realize it was a laser pointer.
        Three kittens and one jumping spider immediately pounced on it.

        Quote:
        “Jessie, dear, could you warm some tea for our guests?” As his wife pumped out water and set it on the stove to steep, the mayor gestured toward the seats at the table. The mayor took the seat at the head of the table, and after a moment, Kendra took the opposite side. Keith leaned against a corner, holding the trigger of his rifle in his hands and pointing the barrel towards the floor.

        The mayor leaned over the table and held out his hand. “I’m James, mayor of this town, and over there is Jessabelle, my wife.”
        SKDJLAKSD OH HI, ARE YOU NAMED THAT FOR THE REASON I CAN'T HELP BUT SUSPECT OR ARE YOU PLAYING HACKY SACK WITH MY MIND

        Quote:
        Verra caressed the leaf and held it up in her hand. A gust blew the leaf up into the air, and Verra lunged at the leaf, crunching it in her grasp. She opened her hand, and her tears fell onto the brittle pieces of her mother’s headleaf.
        Wow. ;-; That might just be the saddest paragraph I've read in a while.

        Saddest paragraph in fiction, anyway.

        Quote:
        Keith walked up to the soldier and said, “Doesn’t that sound like a blast?”
        Keith, was that a pun?

        Quote:
        Hanek snorted and laughed. A fingerbone fell onto the counter as he wiped the tears from his eyes.
        Nice.

        Quote:
        “What now?” Verra asked as they walked. “What do we do now that we, you know, love each other?”

        “I have an idea. There’s someone who owes me a favor, someone who can make this situation work for both of us.”
        !!!!!!

        I should've guessed we hadn't seen the last of that being, heh.

        Or, I guess, heard the last about that being.


        There's stories I simply like. Lots of them, as a matter of fact. Then there's stories that I also get really, really invested in. This is the latter. I don't think my eyes wandered to the clock even once while I was reading. Considering I was reading for... somewhere between two and three hours, I think... and that I'd only have had to glance half an inch over at best, that's saying something. Kudos. :D
        __________________
          #13    
        Old June 22nd, 2015 (8:32 PM).
        Bay's Avatar
        Bay Bay is online now
        Darkinium Z
         
        Join Date: May 2006
        Location: Dani California
        Gender: Female
        Nature: Sassy
        Posts: 5,324
        Ch 17

        Quote:
        Keith opened his mouth to speak, but only a gurgle came from his throat. He reached up with his left hand to clutch at his throat and tried to stand, but his legs caved and he fell to the floor. He could taste blood on his lips and he saw it pooling on the floor in front of him. He knew Jessie was shouting, but he couldn’t hear her voice. His vision faded, and before he passed out, he saw Maria throw himself over his chest, crying into his shoulder.
        Going to assume the cookies were actually meant for Verra, but yeah Keith took the bait instead. The scene with the sister’s death a bit after, ouch.

        Quote:
        “Hello Keith. It’s nice to meet you in person. My name is Levin, twelfth child of my family. As the Empire’s envoy, I must apologize for my sister’s rash and destructive behavior.” Levin held out his hand, and after a moment of hesitation, Keith shook his hand.

        “Why did you let me kill her?”

        “My father wants to meet you. I can’t let you die before that happens. How are they taking it, by the way?”
        No wonder there had been a few siblings running around, heh. In all seriousness, though, I do wonder what Levin’s father wants with Keith.

        Ch 18

        Quote:
        Keith nodded, and Hanek said, “Ever since I was a young man, she smiled at me and gave me presents, but I never thought anything of it. It went on like that for twenty years, until the day she got fed up with waiting and planted a kiss on my lips. We got married within the week, and two winters later, she died of pneumonia.”
        Twenty years is a very long time for waiting, haha. Still sad though Hanek’s wife passed away. :< Also feel bad Hanek getting the plague and Keith needing to kill him.

        Quote:
        Keith walked up to her, leaving a slim gap between them. “Verra, I just got some advice from an old friend of mine. I think it’s worth trying.”

        “What did he tell you to do?”

        “This.” Keith leaned forward and kissed her on the lips. Verra backed off, and then she wrapped her arms around him and returned the kiss. They stood there for five minutes until Keith heard someone walking up the path. He tapped Verra on the shoulder, and they stopped kissing just before the knock came at the door.
        Yay! I know several people don’t like human x Pokemon pairings, but I think you build up Keith and Verra’s relationship fine here.

        So the Pokemon Keith met several chapters back is Kendra’s aunt. Looks like the fountain won’t be used, though, woops. I do agree, though, that’s too easy. Shall be interesting how Keith and Verra will make their relationship work. Looking forward to more!
        __________________

        "Meowth are all right. They don't care who you are or anything."
        Foul Play [Chapter Four up!]
          #14    
        Old June 23rd, 2015 (9:47 AM).
        Sike_Saner's Avatar
        Sike_Saner Sike_Saner is offline
        *aromatisse noise*
           
          Join Date: Oct 2006
          Location: Earth
          Age: 35
          Gender: Female
          Nature: Timid
          Posts: 162
          Quote:
          “That’s part of the idea. You have to lead our forces. The Council is already in unanimous agreement, but you’ll still need to address them and the soldiers.”

          “They decided without seeing me?”

          “I showed them memories of the battle. That quickly settled the dispute.”
          Sometimes psychic abilities come in handy.

          Quote:
          He heaved the cloak over himself and felt the weight settle on his shoulders. Once he also donned a matching pair of gloves, engraved with snakes on each hand, a pair of crimson leather boots, and his rifle, he plodded up the steps to Ty’mir’s house. Sweat was running down his neck and armpits as he addressed the fifty humans and pokemon gathered in a large semicircle.
          Seriously that outfit sounds heavy as muk and probably breathes like it's underwater. I could practically feel the temperature shoot up reading that.

          Or perhaps I just need to turn the air conditioner back on. Either way, my point still stands, and Keith is a brave son of a gun for donning that muk because lord knows I couldn't.

          Quote:
          As he left, he stopped next to Kendra and whispered, “Keith the Golden Serpent, what the hell?” Kendra shrugged her shoulders.
          Everyone's got a cross to bear. Keith's just happens to be flashy nicknames.

          Quote:
          He learned the names of pokemon species foreign to him, and he assessed their abilities, going so far as to fire bullets at a few sturdier pokemon.
          Keith: shoots at a probopass

          Probopass: lol

          Quote:
          “What are we going to do? You know, after the war is over?”

          Keith gave her a kiss on the cheek. “We’ll work it out one day at a time.”

          “But what would everyone else think of us? This type of a relationship isn’t normal.”
          Keith could probably shoot a flea off a dog's balls, and Verra could probably decapitate someone with potpourri if she had access to enough of it. I'm not saying they're invincible, but their chances are certainly better than they could be if someone wanted to start something.

          Quote:
          “Do you know why my aunt was imprisoned? She helped anyone in need, but she bent them to her desires, creating a collection of devoted servants. When father confronted her about it, she tried turning him into another one of her slaves. Father resisted and used the energy he had stored away over the course of decades to defeat her. You can’t trust her.”

          The tent flaps rustled and opened. Keith said goodbye and returned to his tent. He slid the robe off of his shoulders and placed it on the rack next to his bed.

          “Consequences be damned,” Keith said as he threw the covers over himself. “I promised I would make this work, and if that’s what it takes, then so be it.”
          Again I emphasize: I don't think he's invincible. That means I get to wonder if 1.) he'll encounter Lorende again, and 2.) if it's going to bite him in the ass if he enlists her services. I suspect Interesting Things lie ahead.

          I suspected that anyway, but yeah. It's a more precise suspicion now. :B
          __________________
            #15    
          Old June 24th, 2015 (10:30 AM).
          Sike_Saner's Avatar
          Sike_Saner Sike_Saner is offline
          *aromatisse noise*
             
            Join Date: Oct 2006
            Location: Earth
            Age: 35
            Gender: Female
            Nature: Timid
            Posts: 162
            Quote:
            A few hours after sunrise, the Empire’s army appeared from in between the trees and crossed the river. Keith counted the soldiers crossing the bridge, and at the end of an hour, eight thousand soldiers and five-hundred cannons were deployed in the valley.
            That's quite a few soldiers there. I'm impressed Keith didn't lose count.

            Quote:
            As the enemy army marched forward, Keith sensed something missing. He could hear their footsteps, the clanging of their armor, and the grinding of the cannons’ wheels, but he couldn’t hear them breathing.

            “Have the troops hold fire, and teleport me in front of them. Those soldiers aren’t real.”
            Whoops! Pretty sneaky, zorothings!

            Quote:
            Keith closed his eyes, and this time, he could hear the breathing of the army below him.
            Dang, Keith. What are you?

            Quote:
            The valley was strewn with blood and gore, some of it reaching up the cliff faces. Keith could see a head perched in a tree halfway down the valley, staring down at the battlefield. The wind changed direction, blowing the scent of blood and smoke up the cliffs. Down the battle lines, he could hear his army retching from the smell.
            nods

            It is a pretty harsh smell in those quantities. Especially since there' be... well. Other fresh corpse smells in the mix.

            Quote:
            When they turned to look at the bridge, they saw a large gray metal machine, with a cannon mounted on top of it, roll onto the bridge. It was followed by nineteen more like it, each taking turns crossing the bridge.
            Ohhhh muk...

            Quote:
            Nolan was waiting on a tree stump, cleaning his rifle. Keith stopped and pointed his rifle at him, but Nolan didn’t move until his four guards joined him.

            “You were right, Levin,” Nolan said as he stood and faced Keith. “He followed me without a second thought.”

            The zoroark appeared out from behind a tree and shook his head. “Nolan, that was sloppy. You weren’t supposed to hit him. Now we’ll have to use the contingency plan.”

            “My apologies,” Nolan said as he pointed his rifle at Levin’s shoulder and pulled the trigger. As he pressed a hand over his shoulder, Levin transformed into Keith and ran off towards Kendra.
            fffffffffffffffffFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF WELL MUK. Well played, imperials. Well played.

            You know, putting this reveal after we saw "Keith" rejoin his troops had an interesting side effect. Namely, that great sort of plummeting "oh muk he's already there" feeling. It's something akin to dramatic irony, I think. I like it.

            Quote:
            He felt the bullet in his shoulder grate against bone
            Well that certainly sounds painful. :D

            Quote:
            Nolan walked forward, picked up the pistol, and pointed it at Keith’s head. “I’m afraid even they can’t help you now. I’ll make sure it’s over quickly.”

            Keith grabbed Nolan’s leg and threw his weight over the edge of the cliff. Nolan panicked and fired the pistol, shooting Keith through the center of his neck. His grip slackened, and he fell down the cliff into the pond.

            Nolan leaned over the cliff’s edge and watched Keith’s lifeless body sink into the depths. Then he said “goodbye,” and left to give his report to the zoroark.
            WELP. That is either one hell of a bombshell or the setup for a double psycheout to come. Either way, quite the development.
            __________________
              #16    
            Old June 25th, 2015 (4:33 PM).
            Bay's Avatar
            Bay Bay is online now
            Darkinium Z
             
            Join Date: May 2006
            Location: Dani California
            Gender: Female
            Nature: Sassy
            Posts: 5,324
            Some interesting conflict concerning Keith and Verra's relationship along more info on Kendra's aunt. I too wonder if this will backfire on Keith if he manage to find Lorende.

            Quote:
            A soldier in finery walked up to Keith and said, “My brother was right, but I had to test your senses myself. No wonder why Father wishes to meet you. I am Altader, first and most powerful child of our Father. Come with me now, and I shall grant your allies an additional month to prepare.”
            Oh, so we get to meet another sibling. You mention the story is close to ending, but a part of me is curious about him.

            Quote:
            Keith waited for them to cross half the valley before giving the orders to fire. In the first barrage, half the cannons and the vanguard were smashed. The pokemon fired volley after volley of cannon fire into the forces below them, and while the Empire’s soldiers stood firm amidst the exploding ground and the deaths of their comrades, the commanders in the rear ordered a retreat, and a few hundred soldiers sprinted across their fallen comrades for the safety across the river.

            The valley was strewn with blood and gore, some of it reaching up the cliff faces. Keith could see a head perched in a tree halfway down the valley, staring down at the battlefield. The wind changed direction, blowing the scent of blood and smoke up the cliffs. Down the battle lines, he could hear his army retching from the smell.
            I can see why you enjoy writing this chapter. :p In all seriousness though nice description of the battle's aftermath.

            I admit I had an idea the Keith that came back after the assassination attempt on Verra is fake as, "the assassin got away but I still have my guards pursue him" sounds suspicious. Still makes me very worried about what will happen to Verra and the others.

            Spoiler:
            I quite like the last part when Keith is being chased and that's some chapter ending there. I'm going to assume though that won't be the last we'll see of him.


            Looks like we're getting closer to the conclusion! Excited for that!
            __________________

            "Meowth are all right. They don't care who you are or anything."
            Foul Play [Chapter Four up!]
              #17    
            Old June 25th, 2015 (7:20 PM).
            Sike_Saner's Avatar
            Sike_Saner Sike_Saner is offline
            *aromatisse noise*
               
              Join Date: Oct 2006
              Location: Earth
              Age: 35
              Gender: Female
              Nature: Timid
              Posts: 162
              Quote:
              Keith opened his eyes and saw the water’s surface above him. He felt calm and serene watching sunlight flicker off the waves of the pond. His lungs called out for oxygen, and Keith opened his mouth to take in a breath. Water filled his mouth, and in a panic, he kicked towards the surface and gasped in a breath of air.

              He swam for the shore, and as his arms shoved aside the water in front of him, he saw that they were covered in blue fur. Once he was ashore, he tried to pull the fur off and noticed that his hands had changed. Now he had three thick fingers, and white cones stuck out of the backs of his hands. He flicked his finger on one of them, and it rang with a metallic chime.
              Hi again, Keith. Welcome to lucariohood.

              Quote:
              His nose stuck out like a muzzle, with his mouth underneath it, and when he reached for his ears, he felt four long, squishy lumps jutting out from the sides of his head.
              So that's what those feel like. Creepy.

              Quote:
              He heard a thrashing sound from farther down the shore, and he walked over to it. In the shallows, a squishy pink blob thrashed around. Keith picked it up and placed it onto the ground. The blob wriggled around and turned over, revealing two beady eyes and a lumpy mouth.

              “Couldn’t you put me on anything other than my face?” it asked. The blob held up its shapeless hands and grimaced at them. “Ugh, I sure hope you’re happy. Granted, it’s a little better than being a puddle, but I still won’t be able to get around.”

              “You’re Lorende?” Keith asked.
              Is

              is she a ditto?

              Quote:
              Perched in a nearby tree, a large white bird glided over to Keith’s shoulder and opened its oversized beak, revealing a pile of berries inside. Keith took a handful and placed them in his mouth.
              They tasted like bird spit.

              Quote:
              The soldier looked around him, at the crumpled tanks and piles of mangled bodies, and then he looked back at his own stump. He could tell the bleeding had stopped only because he was nearly out of blood. He checked the rifle’s ammo and found one bullet left.

              “Psyduck it. We lost, and now, the human race is finished.” He opened his mouth, held the muzzle against his tonsils, and pulled the trigger. Nothing happened.

              “Jammed,” he said, checking the inside of the rifle. “Psyduck me.”
              Man. Talk about adding insult to injury.
              __________________
                #18    
              Old June 26th, 2015 (5:41 PM).
              Sike_Saner's Avatar
              Sike_Saner Sike_Saner is offline
              *aromatisse noise*
                 
                Join Date: Oct 2006
                Location: Earth
                Age: 35
                Gender: Female
                Nature: Timid
                Posts: 162
                Quote:
                He closed his eyes and felt Verra running towards him. He turned towards her, but a sinister presence in the corner of his mind made him freeze. Dark, nebulous orbs floated in front of him and converge, creating a shifting mass. The darkness solidified and transformed into a zoroark. Yellow eyes with slitted pupils stared coldly at him.

                “At last, we meet, Keith, the great serpent amongst men,” he rumbled. “I am known as Father, but in truth, I have no name. You may call me Ath.”
                He certainly knows how to make an entrance!

                Quote:
                He raised his hand over the ground, and black strands floated down from his fingertips. A gray crystalline chair rose from the soil, and Ath sat down on it.
                Can he conjure any other kind of furniture?

                ...Can he conjure a toilet?

                Quote:
                He spun the orb into a conical spear and threw it towards Keith’s chest, but Verra dashed out of the forest, throwing herself in front of the projectile. Her body crumbled into black powder and fell to the ground, but in her chest was a glowing white stone that hung in the air.
                WELP

                Quote:
                A zoroark leapt at him from behind, and he crushed its skull beneath his fingers, smiling as bits of bone and brains oozed between his fingers.
                It's like the world's best stress ball!

                Quote:
                “Not until you pay first.” Keith reached for his rifle, and it flew to his hands. He fired off a shot, but the bullet shattered against the zoroark’s shield. He fired two more, and the third grazed the zoroark’s head.
                Can we take a moment to really appreciate that this is a mega goddamn lucario firing a psyducking rifle, because that's one hell of an image.


                Congrats on finishing this. I'm definitely looking forward to part 2. :D
                __________________
                  #19    
                Old June 26th, 2015 (6:06 PM).
                Bay's Avatar
                Bay Bay is online now
                Darkinium Z
                 
                Join Date: May 2006
                Location: Dani California
                Gender: Female
                Nature: Sassy
                Posts: 5,324
                Chapters 21 and 22

                Ah, so Keith is a Lucario now! I think I get the "psychic" part being Lucario's Aura Sphere and knowing all things aura. This actually should have clicked to me sooner as I was reading another fic featuring Lucario, though more of a smaller role.

                Quote:
                Once those soldiers were gone, Levin drew his knife and inched closer to Kendra. As he held his arm back, he heard a gunshot in the distance, then another, and six seconds later, as he turned towards the source of the sound, a bullet smashed through his barriers and split his skull open.
                I love this part. Such a satisfying kill.

                Quote:
                In the grip of another soldier, he saw a rifle, immaculately clean amidst the gore around it. He grabbed the rifle and crawled over to his false commander.

                “What the hell did you do with General Surge?”

                Altader glared at him and kept mumbling to itself. The soldier raised the rifle and pointed it at the zoroark.

                “Go to hell.” The soldier pulled the trigger, and Altader shuddered once more before falling still.
                A bit shame Altader didn't get much screentime as he seems to have potential to be very interesting.

                Chapter 23

                First off, YAY YOU FINISHED! :D My last comments:

                Spoiler:
                Quote:
                “I owe you a body. Drink that, and you’ll become one of them.”

                “Why are you giving me this?”

                “That was the last debt I owed anyone. Now I’m ready to die.” He took Keith’s pistol from his pocket and pointed it at his temple. He strained to pull the trigger, but it wouldn’t fire.

                “I got it,” Keith said, raising his own rifle. “Goodbye.” He shot Nolan between his eyes, and the hunter toppled to the ground.
                Bye Nolan, nice knowing you (even though you’re siding with the zoroark/Empire/etc :x ).

                Quote:
                “At last, we meet, Keith, the great serpent amongst men,” he rumbled. “I am known as Father, but in truth, I have no name. You may call me Ath.”
                Hi father zoroark.

                Quote:
                He spun the orb into a conical spear and threw it towards Keith’s chest, but Verra dashed out of the forest, throwing herself in front of the projectile. Her body crumbled into black powder and fell to the ground, but in her chest was a glowing white stone that hung in the air.

                Keith struggled and tried to shout, but the tendrils held him firmly in place. He reached for the stone with his power, and when he felt his mind touch it, his body burned with the power inside the stone. He was bathed in a light blue glow, and he felt his body transform. More spikes grew from his hands, feet, and shoulders, and the power blazoned a red glow on his hands, feet, and the tips of the gelatinous lobes on his head.
                Oh, Keith mega-evolving? ;)

                So, a part of me feels Verra’s death there is a tad rushed. Her appearance was a bit sudden without any indication she was going to come, though that can be easily excused with Keith very focused during the fight. I do understand, however, sometimes scenes where someone says a few dying words can be overdone at times and there’s probably no room/not possible for Keith to grieve while being held like that. At least he remembered her at the very end (very bittersweet ;_; ).

                The scene where Keith was going to avenge Verra’s death (“I will do the same to you, one child at a time, and then I’ll kill you”), just ouch. D: Like the twist right after when Ath did the thing with black blood and the remaining children chanted. The part Sike Saner mentioned with Keith and the rifle is great too. Pretty wicked stuff there.

                I can see why you still want to continue Keith’s story as there were still a few stuff not resolved yet, like Ath, that crystal cave, and I feel there’s more to Lorende than what’s been shown/mentioned already. Either way, reading this has been an awesome ride! If you do decide to write Through the Aura soon, very looking forward to that!
                __________________

                "Meowth are all right. They don't care who you are or anything."
                Foul Play [Chapter Four up!]
                  #20    
                Old June 28th, 2015 (8:16 PM).
                Astinus's Avatar
                Astinus Astinus is offline
                   
                  Join Date: May 2006
                  Age: 31
                  Gender: Male
                  Posts: 10,107
                  Instead of making you wait until I finalize a review for all three chapters, I'm going to post a review for them one at a time. So we'll start with chapter ten!

                  This is an interesting story, where you have a human who is used to hunting Pokemon now having to live with them. So as the story goes on, Keith has to understand who he's living with, including victims of his hunts. And because of that, those victims have to learn to understand him.

                  You're aware of this already, I'm sure, but I still feel like there are parts of the story where the pace is too quick for the particular scenes. Like at the end of chapter ten, when Verra and Keith hug, it felt like there should be more to it. Since Verra's thoughts are missing (due to the third-person-limited viewpoint you're writing in), you could have more of Keith's thoughts. How else does he feel besides shocked? What's going through his mind during that ten-minute hug? Especially since Verra just tried to kill him a short while ago, and then just punched him in the nose.

                  It was the same with the scene in the beginning of the chapter, where Keith is reflecting on Izzo's death. He could think about how Izzo was just a decent Pokemon who wanted to save his town and be a hero, and now he's dead thanks to Keith and unable to enjoy his hero status.

                  But I will say that your dialogue helps your characters! I really enjoyed the conversation between Keith and Ty'mir. It showed the burden of responsibility that Ty'mir felt, and why he was so willing to hand it over to Keith. It really is your dialogue where your characters come through.

                  I'll be back hopefully soon for chapter 11!
                  __________________
                  "Now the trumpet summons us again--
                  not as a call to bear arms, though arms we need--
                  not as a call to battle, though embattled we are--
                  but a call to bear the burden of a long twilight struggle, year in and year out."
                    #21    
                  Old July 11th, 2015 (4:50 AM). Edited July 11th, 2015 by DforDragoz.
                  DforDragoz's Avatar
                  DforDragoz DforDragoz is offline
                     
                    Join Date: Jun 2015
                    Location: Philippines
                    Gender: Male
                    Nature: Lax
                    Posts: 161
                    Remember when I said I'll post my review tomorrow? Screw that, here it comes. I'll give my reaction for every chapter, quote a line(s) that I think really stood out or is related to my remark, and point out errors if there are any.

                    Spoiler:

                    Chapter 1A: You started it great, implying to the readers Keith's occupation/hobby with a single line. Yup, it's that line and its next one that got me.
                    Quote:
                    Keith’s world narrowed down to a criss-cross of black lines, notched with smaller lines for reference points. His brown hair was kept just long enough to sway in the breeze, and his eyes, bleached a pale green from staring so long through refractive lenses, blinked so infrequently that people called him ‘snake’.
                    Chapter 1B: I'm getting more ideas on how your world runs on this chapter. Though morbid, I think these lines stood out for me.
                    Quote:
                    Hanek, owner of the hunter’s lodge, kept a small collection of his favorite acquisitions. A salamence pelt, stretched out in a hoop with living saplings, hung behind the counter. Teeth necklaces, furry pelts, mounted horns, strands of braided hair, jars of pokemon eyes, and jagged claws decorated other walls and shelves in the lodge.
                    AND
                    Old pokemon skins and feathers hung from the walls, and an enormous charizard pelt covered the floor, providing a tough, rubbery carpet that felt pleasantly warm on bare feet.
                    Chapter 2: Now this is just cruel. Not that I don't like it, though.
                    Quote:
                    Once the wagons were loaded, Keith and the other villagers jumped onto the sixth wagon. With a crack of a whip, the domestic tauros, stripped of its horns and firmly fastened to the harness, pulled the wagon forward with a small grunt.
                    Chapter 3: These lines show that Keith isn't just a hunter, but a human. A nice symbiosis here.
                    Quote:
                    Keith readied his knife, but his arm brushed against his bulging pack, reminding him that he didn’t have the room for a kill. Instead, he looked at the cakes in his lap and tossed one towards the rattata.
                    It took a few cautious steps towards the pastry, sniffed it, and took a small bite. It seemed astounded by the taste of honey and gobbled the rest in a few oversized bites, then it took a long drink from the spring before running off.
                    AND
                    Throughout the afternoon, the rattatta came down from the trees each time he stopped. He gave it pieces of honey cake, and in return, the ratatta provided a variety of berries. Round blue ones, nutty little green ones, and some berries too fantastical to describe fell from the branches as he walked. He tested each one for poison, but none of the berries made him sick.
                    Also, OH NO moment here.
                    Quote:
                    When Keith pushed up from what he tumbled upon, he felt the scaly texture of a charizard’s foot.
                    Chapter 4
                    Quote:
                    There were a few brown patches in its fur and it seemed bigger than before. Before his eyes, the ratatta started to glow, and within a few seconds, it turned into a raticate.
                    Well that was quick.that's what she said
                    I understand how the days passed by for this one, but it felt too quick for me. Like, he evolved a while ago then (spoiler alert) died.
                    Chapter 5
                    Quote:
                    He put his eye to his scope, and his amazement grew tenfold. He saw pokemon of all varieties gathering water, cleaning their homes, sweeping the streets, and selling wares in little shops clustered around a market district.
                    Did...did he just find Treasure Town?Or probably Valer community
                    Quote:
                    Every footstep added another detail to his nearly dreamlike state of awareness, where he could almost visualize everything around him in a blue haze. This is how he sensed the assassin before he saw her.
                    Somehow I felt like I was the character with this line. And somehow, I feel like this is going to be something big.
                    Chapter 6: It would take too long to quote, but the lines after Ty'mir put Keith to sleep(or whatever he did) were a bit confusing. How did he change him? I guess the next chapters will tell.
                    Quote:
                    Keith gestured for the keys, and the ursaring gave the ring to him. Then Keith held out his sniper.
                    Is this what they call a wordplay? It kinda got me.
                    Chapter 7: You hit the feels on these lines.
                    Quote:
                    “Life is full of surprises. I never thought I’d hold the hand that killed my daughter. And yet, here I am.” She peered closer at his calluses, leaning so close that Keith could feel her breath on his hand.

                    “I don’t even remember what she looked like. My daughter. Every time I try to picture her, I see her face instead.”
                    Clumsy moments here, they made me laugh.
                    Quote:
                    Keith reached up to touch his face and stopped an inch short of shocking himself. He whirled around and strode back to the smithy. As Verra crossed the door, Keith slammed his left hand onto the anvil, and the pile of gunpowder sitting on it exploded.

                    Verra screamed and jumped out the door. Keith hunched over and held his hands over his ears.

                    “Ow, damn it.”

                    Dakkel lumbered over and asked “Are you okay?” He tried helping Keith up, but Keith, noticing the orange glow of Dakkel’s hands, yelped and rolled away.
                    Chapter 8
                    Quote:
                    Verra was puzzled; Keith seemed too tense for him to simply have distaste for getting wet.

                    “What about a ford?”

                    “This is the ford! Can’t you swim?”

                    “Any bridges?”

                    Verra started to chuckle. “You seriously can’t swim, can you?”
                    Cute moment here. Also, a great way to imply that Keith has something like a fear for water. It adds color to the character.
                    Chapter 9
                    Quote:
                    Keith spent the next two hours digging alongside thirty other pokemon. It surprised him how efficiently they could move dirt, whether with their arms, or with blasts of water, or by simply eating it. By the time the cannon was ready, the trench was fifty feet deep, twenty feet wide, and hundreds of feet long.
                    This line implies the diversity of the community in an excellent way. It leaves the readers to guess what Pokemon they are, which isn't a bad thing.
                    Quote:
                    “A hundred feet. Now what?”

                    Dakkel and Keith wrapped the wire around the cannon’s barrel in a tight coil, then he stripped each end with his knife. One end was held up at the cannon’s base, and the other was trailed away from the cannon and planted into the ground. The tyranitar was clambering its way out of the trench, and Izzo was still nowhere to be found.

                    Dakkel asked “What now?” as he rolled the cannonball down the barrel.
                    I think that sounded repetitive, even though it was just reversed. Or was it Keith that said the first line? Either it's repetitive, or it's confusing.
                    Chapter 10
                    Quote:
                    “What can I say?” Ty’mir asked, waving his cane. “I’m a selfish bastard and I’m unfit for leadership.”

                    “You’re unfit? I can’t even stand to be around people. Crowds give me headaches, and anytime there’s a party, even when it’s for me, I always sneak off and sit alone.”

                    “I’m blind as a bat! I couldn’t even tell you where the door was in my own house!”

                    “I can’t swim!” Keith shouted. “Do you think I’d have anyone’s respect if they saw me try to cross a river?”

                    “I’m so frail, I can’t even walk across my own home without a cane, much less a river!”
                    This made me laugh hard, although I think I shouldn't be. Probably because I'm like that when I'm being handed a responsibility.
                    It's very interesting how Psychic works in Keith's world. They can heal wounds and transfer thoughts. I don't watch the anime that much, but I don't think Psychic-type has been expounded in the series. Which leaves us writers to get creative.


                    Continued. Well, after seeing your review on mine, it feels like I'm simply reading and reacting, not reviewing at all! I hope this review(or reaction) helps you like how yours helped me.[/spoiler]
                    __________________
                    "Nothing is true. Everything is permitted."
                    Working on a fic here! Tell me what you think!
                     

                    Quick Reply

                    Join the conversation!

                    Create an account to post a reply in this thread, participate in other discussions, and more!

                    Create a PokéCommunity Account
                    Thread Tools

                    Posting Rules
                    You may not post new threads
                    You may not post replies
                    You may not post attachments
                    You may not edit your posts

                    BB code is On
                    Smilies are On
                    [IMG] code is On
                    HTML code is Off

                    Forum Jump


                    All times are GMT -8. The time now is 11:04 AM.