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Old December 30th, 2017 (6:26 AM). Edited December 30th, 2017 by popplio25.
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popplio25 popplio25 is offline
     
    Join Date: Dec 2016
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    *i can't put the emoticons on here from deviantart sadly... - https://sta.sh/01dhmi77mq1b *


    *here are the characters - https://akarifan25.deviantart.com/art/SFN-search-for-nido-intros-2-721361985 *



    chapter 1 - new friends


    *this is after nido had been taken*




    rina walked for a bit before resting on the grass after walking through a bush *outside Cerulean City*

    rina: nido-onichan~... :(

    a little bit later... a female oddish & a male oddish pass by in the grass... *their names are olina & kusa*


    olina then noticed rina... noticing that she looks sad...



    olina: wait, kusa!

    kusa: huh? what, olina?

    olina: come here...

    kusa comes over...


    olina: look over there

    kusa looks


    olina: aw... i wonder what's wrong~

    kusa: shall we go find out?

    olina: um.. do you think we should?


    kusa: why not? if we don't, who will


    kusa starts to go over to her...


    olina: umm...


    then rina hears the rustling in the grass...



    rina: hm? w- who's there?


    rina slowly sniffs around at the grass...


    kusa pops out

    rina gets a little surprised/scared and jumps behind the small ledge... she pops her head out from behind the ledge


    kusa: ^^' ah.. i'm sorry i didn't mean to startle you...

    rina: w-who are you?

    kusa: i'm kusa & that over there is my friend olina... don't worry about her.. she's a little whatsit sometimes...


    rina: m-my name's rina

    kusa: nice to meet you, rina

    anyway... are you ok? i noticed you were maybe feeling a bit down

    rina: oh, well... :(


    olina comes over

    olina: hello

    rina: well, my 'big brother' got taken by a serviper & weezing *names are vipe (F) & zing (M)*

    olina: *worry*

    rina: nido-onichan~ :(


    olina: hello



    rina: well, my 'big brother' got taken by a serviper & weezing *names are vipe (F) & zing (M)*

    olina: :worries:



    rina: nido-onichan~ :(

    olina looks at karine, a little worried at hearing this...


    rina: thinking 'after i lost my parents as well' :(






    rina: we were trying to find a place where the pokemon squad live *sighs*


    kusa: the pokemon squad? i've heard of them... it's said that they take care of pokemon who are lost or have no place to go *example.. lost their parents*





    rina: :(


    rina: do-do you know where their place is located?... what am i saying... i have to rescue my brother first..
    but i'm scared


    kusa pets rina with her leaf

    rina: hmm?


    kusa: it's ok, rina... it's ok to be scared sometimes...


    olina: *she says this under her breath* that kusa... he always makes friends so quickly.. unlike me.. *miffed at herself.. for some reason*



    kusa: you say something, olina?


    olina: ah.. oh, nothing


    rina smiles a bit

    olina: what's so funny, rina?


    kusa: there we go... that's the smile i want to see


    rina: i'm sorry... you don't get along, do you?


    kusa: actually, we're in a good relationship as friends... we just seem to squabble over the littlest things


    olina: ^^' i'm sorry, kusa


    kusa: i'm sorry too.. i shouldn't have said it like that

    olina/kusa: ^^



    rina, remembering that she misses her brother...

    rina: nido-onichan :(



    kusa: ah.. i'm sorry, rina..

    rina: it's fine... do you need to be anywhere?


    olina: we were just taking a walk

    kusa: do you want to come with us?

    ...
    rina: thanks, but i'll be alright here i think


    olina: are you sure?


    rina: i think so, yeah...


    kusa: alright, then.... at least have someone stay with you for a while...

    i know... feli? can you come over here, please?


    a meowth comes over

    kusa: this is feli... she's our friend... feli, this is rina

    feli: nice to meet you, rina

    rina: ni-nice to meet you

    she's a little shy... rina sniffs her...

    rina can tell that she's friendly


    kusa: can you take care of her? she's feeling a bit sad, cause her brother got kidnapped :(


    feli: that's terrible :( *puts her paw on rina's back gently* don't worry, i'll take care of her

    rina: :)


    olina: ok, rina... feli.. bye bye *waves*


    rina & feli wave bye bye


    a little bit after that... feli & rina had falled asleep next to each other...


    later after that... rina wakes up, stretches... she looks up at the sky...


    then a riolu came along, with a vulpix, pidgey, paras & cubone following


    she heard something...


    rina: sighs.... oni-chan~


    riolu: aww.. poor thing... i wonder what's up? wait a sec, that's rina...


    she starts to comes over

    cubone: w-wait up~



    rina hears something

    rina gently nudges meowth awake

    rina: f-feli, wake up


    feli: hmm? what's the matter, rina?


    rina: look over there....


    feli: hmm? ahhhh!!

    feli starts to run away...

    rina: please, don't leave me~

    feli stops

    rina: please?~


    feli: but i'm timid sometimes

    rina: so am i a little bit... but i need you right now.. please?~


    feli looks down thinking...

    feli: alright~



    riolu comes and kneels down


    riolu: hey.. are you ok?

    rina: m-my name's rina... hiding behind me is my friend, feli the meowth


    riolu: good to meet you, rina... feli too... i'm anpu

    she pets rina... a bit shy & nervous, but rina: :)

    she pets feli... also a bit shy & nervous, but... :)


    rina: hey, wait a minuite.. i remember you...

    anpu: really?

    rina: yeah, you took care of me & my brother once

    anpu: that's right.. it's lovely to see you again

    rina hugs anpu ^^


    feli: you know this riolu, rina?

    rina nods :)


    feli: :)



    vulpix, pidgey, paras & cubone come over too

    vulpix: hello.. i'm henry :)

    pidgey: i'm louise :)

    paras: i'm polly :).. waving her claw

    cubone: i-i'm charlie.. nice to meet you

    rina: h-hello... i'm rina... :)

    feli: i'm feli.. hello :)

    henry & the others nod, smiling...

    but charlie, being a bit shy, hides behind anpu

    anpu: it's ok, charlie.. she's nice

    charlie looks at her & feli..

    rina & feli nods


    charlie nods

    charlie: -kay :)

    he comes out a bit...


    anpu: so, are you ok? rina?

    rina: i- um...... ... my big brother got taken by a serviper & weezing

    anpu: oh dear *Worried *


    rina: i miss him & want to rescue him... but... i'm scared





    anpu Pats her

    anpu: There, there, Rina, please don't be sad, I shall help find him



    rina: :) would you?

    anpu: of course :)

    rina: thanks~

    rina starts to smile a bit.... feli is happy about this


    anpu: You're welcome. Now, do you know where they took him?

    rina: umm.. i'm not really sure... :(


    anpu: ok, rina... please don't panic... maybe if we continue down the road, we'll find some help to find him

    rina: okay~


    feli: can i come too, rina?

    rina: looks at anpu, asking if she can come


    anpu: of course, if you'd like


    feli: yay!

    rina: thankyou

    anpu: :)


    anpu looks at henry, louise, polly & charlie

    anpu: you guys come too


    they nod :)

    rina, feli, henry, polly, louise & charlie follows behind as anpu walks down the path







    *end of chapter 1*
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    Old December 30th, 2017 (7:08 AM). Edited December 30th, 2017 by popplio25.
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    popplio25 popplio25 is offline
       
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      chapter 2 - the underground path


      https://sta.sh/0ooism8jz0f


      as rina, feli, henry, louise, polly, charlie, anpu continue walking along route 5, it started raining

      rina: oh no.. it's raining...

      feli: i hate rain

      rina: me too *trying to cover herself*


      henry & louise try to shield rina & feli from the rain with their tail & wing

      anpu looks around for something to use... then she notices a bunch of big leaves..


      anpu: here, you guys can use these as what people call umbrellas


      feli smiles

      feli: thankyou~

      rina: th-thankyou~

      anpu: You're welcome :)

      anpu: you guys too..

      she hands charlie, polly, louise & henry big leaves

      they smile..

      rina/feli: :)

      they walk on


      soon they come to the entrance of Underground Path 5-6


      anpu looks at the sign

      anpu: it appears we can get to the next route through here

      she opens the door

      rina & feli goes through the door, with charlie, henry, polly, & louise following.. but not before throwing away their leaves...


      anpu too chucks her leaf away...

      rina sniffs a bit

      charlie: is- is it safe, rina?

      she goes down the stairs

      rina: yeah, it's safe.. come on..

      charlie, henry, polly, louise, feli & anpu follow...

      rina runs on ahead a bit

      anpu: wait up, rina

      rina: hmm?




      anpu: stay close, please rina

      rina: o-okay

      henry: it's fine, anpu... it doesn't look like we can get lost

      anpu looks...

      anpu: that's true, but still... she's still young...

      rina comes back to her..


      soon they reach the stairs to the door leading to route 6


      anpu: here we are :)

      anpu opens the door with rina & the others following...

      anpu: hey, the rain's stopped

      rina ears twitch happily & feli wags her tail

      they walk for a bit... just then, rina looks up... she notices a rainbow

      rina: hey, guys, look at that

      anpu, feli, henry, louise, polly & charlie looks up at the sky...


      feli: ahh~ so pretty~

      rina: isn't it? :)


      anpu Smiles up at the pretty rainbow

      rina: ahh... i'm feeling kinda thirsty now... & a bit hungry

      feli: actually, so am i

      rina: how are you, guys?

      henry, louise, polly, charlie, anpu's stomach rubbles a bit too..

      anpu: well, i see a lake over there, you two can have a drink there & i've got some oran berries in my bag

      rina & the others: yay!!

      rina & feli go over to the lake & have a drink... charlie & the others follow..


      ......
      soon after....

      catina: here you go, rina... you too feli


      rina: t-thankyou

      she takes oran berry & eats

      feli: thanks

      she takes oran berry & eats

      anpu: you guys too

      charlie: thankyou

      he takes oran berry

      polly: thanks

      henry thankyou

      louise: thanks


      anpu eats one too


      .....


      rina: ahh~ i feel better now~

      feli: me too~

      charlie, henry, louise & polly nod


      anpu: i'm glad...


      anpu: look, the sun's setting....


      shall we set up camp and sleep here tonight?...


      feli: ok

      rina, looking not sure

      rina: are you sure we should?

      feli: why not? are you scared?


      rina: well, i.... i'm... i want to rescue my big brother as soon as possible .:Little bunny worried:. *thinking 'yes, i am scared... i don't like the dark*

      charlie:...

      henry, polly & louise move closer to charlie


      anpu kneels down next to rina & strokes her

      anpu: don't worry, rina... we'll find and rescue him.. promise


      feli: shall we sleep together, rina?

      rina: o-ok

      they move over to the grass...

      anpu finds a large, soft, flat bit of grass...

      anpu: rina, feli... come here... you guys too, charlie, henry, polly & louise

      rina comes over to her... followed by feli & the others


      rina curls up next to her... but she looks up at the stars for a bit...

      rina: *thinking* mama... papa... i miss you ....

      rina: nido-onichan

      anpu pets her head


      feli nuzzles against her

      rina: :)

      henry licks her on the head

      .....

      rina lies down & goes to sleep

      charlie goes to sleep too..

      anpu smiles

      feli goes to sleep too... so do henry, louise, polly & anpu

      ...

      rina shivers a bit... anpu wakes up..

      henry wakes up too... he notices that rina's cold... he puts his tail over her

      rina twitches her ears, happily

      louise puts her wing over feli

      feli wags her tail, happily

      anpu: good night, guys


      anpu goes back to sleep




      *end of chapter 2*
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      Old December 30th, 2017 (7:12 AM). Edited December 30th, 2017 by popplio25.
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      popplio25 popplio25 is offline
         
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        chapter 3 - through vermillion city to Route 11


        https://sta.sh/0uj349rbujb


        rina wakes up & finds feli, charlie, polly, louise, henry & anpu is awake...

        feli: ah, you're awake

        anpu: good morning, rina

        henry: morning

        polly: how are you, rina?

        rina: i-i'm alright... really... i'm ok :)

        louise: that's good :)

        charlie nods... :)


        rina yawns

        rina gets up... she stretches a bit... & goes to have a drink ....

        feli & the others join her ...


        a little bit after


        rina sits down for a bit

        rina sighs

        rina: nido-onichan

        henry: hey, are you alright, rina?

        rina: huh? um..

        polly: are you thinking about your brother?

        rina: well...

        louise: don't worry.. we'll find him..

        rina nods...


        anpu: hey, are you guys hungry?


        henry, polly, louise, charlie & feli nod..

        they come over to her, with rina following...


        anpu: here you go

        they take the sitrus berries



        rina sniffs one of them.. she turns her head away from it

        rina: i don't really want anything... i feel a bit queasy


        feli: maybe you're just hungry... you might feel better if you eat something

        she rubs her back


        rina, thinking

        rina: um... okay....

        she picks up the sitrus berry ... she eats it

        anpu Looks at her happily

        she picks one up too and eats too


        after that...


        anpu: shall we continue?

        rina nods

        feli: okay

        charlie, henry, polly & louise nod :)


        anpu: ok, let's go

        rina?

        feli: um...

        charlie, henry, louise & polly look worred too

        feli: a little bit ago, rina dashed off by herself towards that way

        anpu: whaa!? we have to find her!

        everyone nods

        they run off to find her


        meanwhile


        rina dashes towards route 11... she looks around...


        rina: where am i?....

        rina, looking a bit nervous.. she walks for a bit more


        suddenly, a wild drowzee attacks


        rina backs off, a bit scared

        drowzee uses shadow ball


        rina: h-help!!



        henry's ear twitches

        he heard this from where they are....

        anpu: you heard that, too?

        henry: yeah!

        feli: rina!

        polly: let's go!

        they run to where they heard her...




        *end of chapter 3*
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        Old December 30th, 2017 (3:28 PM).
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        popplio25 popplio25 is offline
           
          Join Date: Dec 2016
          Location: eastwood, essex, uk/johto
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          https://sta.sh/0lfsau0n4ql


          chapter 4 - route 11 to 12


          feli, anpu & the others find her

          feli: rina!


          feli: help me, feli!

          she dodges out of the way... the shadow ball just slightly missed her


          rina: ahh~

          feli runs towards drowzee & uses iron tail... it hits


          drowzee: ahh~

          drowzee goes to use pound... feli uses scratch.. it hits

          drowzee: ahh~~

          henry uses quick attack.. it hits...

          drowzee goes to use pound again

          feli & henry growl at him


          drowzee runs away


          feli, henry & rina sigh


          feli: are you ok, rina?

          rina: y-yeah


          feli: that's good

          henry, louise, polly & charlie come over to her...


          anpu comes to her..

          anpu: you shouldn't have run off by yourself, though, rina!


          rina: but, i

          feli: *worred*

          anpu: what if you'd gotten hurt?


          rina: i-i'm sorry

          henry: anpu, it's ok... at least, she's alright...

          charlie: p-please forgive her...

          polly & louise nod in agreement...


          anpu sighs

          anpu: well, at least you're alright

          she pets rina

          rina smiles a little

          everyone else smiles...


          catina: shall we continue, then?

          rina nods

          rina: ok...

          everyone else nod too

          they continue to route 12

          feli sniffs

          rina, looking both ways.. thinking...
          rina: um... which way should we go?

          anpu: Hmm, the path to route 13 looks nice

          feli nods


          charlie: that's true.. :)

          henry, polly, & louise nod...

          rina walks towards the way of route 13

          rina: yeah... let's go route 13


          feli: please wait for us, rina

          rina slowly nods


          anpu: ok, let's go


          they start walking down route 12







          *end of chapter 4*
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          Old December 30th, 2017 (3:32 PM). Edited January 1st, 2018 by popplio25.
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          popplio25 popplio25 is offline
             
            Join Date: Dec 2016
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            https://sta.sh/01a5ghcr2z5h

            chapter 5 - the battle on route 13


            as they walk route 12,

            feli: :)

            she's feeling the wind on her wiskers

            rina too :)

            anpu & the others smiles


            soon, they reach route 13...


            just then a rattata jumps out of the bushes...


            rattata: hey there.. i'm tatta... do one of you want to battle? i was taking a walk & then i was kinda itching for one


            rina: huh? um...

            rina hides behind anpu...


            henry: ok.. i'll have a battle with you...



            rina, looking worried

            anpu looks at rina...

            anpu: don't worry, rina... we'll continue after this, ok?


            henry: that's right, rina :)


            rina: ok...


            feli, louise, polly, charlie & anpu smile


            ....

            polly: i'll be the ref, then..


            rattata & henry get ready


            polly: are you ready?


            henry: ready...

            rattata: i'm ready too...


            anpu: go, henry!


            tatta: ra-ttata!

            tatta uses quick attack

            Henry leaps out of the way and uses flamethrower

            flamethrower hits rattata and almost knocks her out

            tatta: raa!~


            charlie: don't give up, henry~


            tatta uses hyper fang

            tatta: ratta~

            she rushes towards henry


            henry: Vul!

            His eyes glow with confuse ray

            tatta tries not to look at it, but it was too late...

            tatta: rattataa~ *she's confused*


            anpu: nice, henry


            henry: :)


            tatta shakes it off a bit & tries and goes towards vulpix using tackle

            henry: Vul! Pix!

            he Charges at the Ratatta with quick attack


            tatta, still a bit confused, can't see straight.... but she stops for a bit & shakes it off... then proceds to dodge & use hyper fang... it hits henry

            henry: ahh~


            anpu: henry, are you ok?

            henry: y-yeah~

            henry uses quick attack... it hits...

            tatta: raa!~

            tatta faints

            ref polly: rattata is unable to battle... henry wins


            henry: yay!!

            louise: Woohoo, good job, Henry!

            Henry Smiles modestly


            rattata wakes up..

            rattata shakes her head a bit...

            henry: are you alright, tatta?

            tatta: yeah, i'm alright...


            henry: that's good

            he smiles


            henry: nice battling, tatta..

            tatta smiles...

            tatta: you too, henry

            henry smiles...


            everyone smiles too


            rina then pawed at anpu's leg

            polly, louise & charlie looks at her


            anpu: ok, rina...

            excuse me, tatta... If I may ask, have you seen a male Nidoran wearing a black belt around his head pass by here?

            tatta: hmm...a male nidoran?


            rina: *worried*

            tatta: no, i haven't... i'm sorry ..

            rina: :(

            henry, polly, louise, charlie & feli look at her, worried


            anpu Gently pets Rina's Head

            anpu: don't worry, rina, we'll find him

            feli licks her gently


            tatta: oh, but i saw a fearow go by...


            Upon hearing this, anpu gets worried, thinking this could only mean one thing


            anpu: If I may ask, tatta, did you see which direction it was going?

            tatta: actually, i saw them go towards the sevi islands's one island... i heard they were going back to their base


            anpu: Thank you, tatta

            A determined look crosses her face

            anpu: bye rattata...


            rattata: bye bye... i'm going to head back to the pokemon squad home :)

            anpu: ok... bye

            tatta makes her way back



            anpu & the others walk towards fushia city









            *end of chapter 5*
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            Old December 30th, 2017 (3:54 PM).
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            Bay Bay is offline
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            Hey there! So I went ahead and merged your threads together because the rules state you have one thread for a story with longer chapters:

            Quote:
            Everything Belongs in One Thread:
            Do not create a separate thread for each chapter. Simply post your update as a reply in your thread, and you're good to go. This place would get messy, fast, if everyone was posting individual chapters. So, to keep everything nice and organized, please post all chapters and updates in one, convenient, thread.
            With that out of the way, I thought I would drop by to give some advice too. I admit I only checked the first chapter, but from looking your other chapters I'll be honest there's a lot that you can improve on. I don't want to overwhelm you too much, so I'll try to only mention a few things first.

            So it seems like you're going for script form, which while not against the rules what you have here doesn't have much substance and why I'm sort of confused what's going on. For instance, you have the emoticons and *(name of place)* when you could've have written more description instead.

            Quote:
            rina walked for a bit before resting on the grass after walking through a bush *outside Cerulean City*

            rina: nido-onichan~... :sad:

            a little bit later... a female oddish & a male oddish pass by in the grass... *their names are olina & kusa*


            olina then noticed rina... noticing that she looks sad...



            olina: wait, kusa!

            kusa: huh? what, olina?

            olina: come here...

            kusa comes over...
            So, instead of having this in script form, I would advise you to have it in prose and more description and reactions. Like this:

            Quote:
            Rina walked for a bit before resting on the grass after walking through a bush outside Cerulean City.

            "Nido-onichan," Rina cried out. When there was no response, a frown tugged onto the corners of her mouth. She kept walking.

            A little bit later, a female and male oddish, Olina and Kusa, passed by the grass. Olina noticed Rina looking sad.

            "Wait, Kusa!" Olina screamed, causing Kusa to stop and stared at her in confusion.

            "Huh? What, Olina?"

            "Come here!" Olina jumped a few times in frustration, and that made Kusa come over.
            Okay, I admit I probably went a bit overboard rewriting here oops. But I wanted to show you a bit how you can incorporate emotions onto your characters more instead of just using smilies/emoticons.

            I highly recommend reading some fanfics here and published books to see how other writers described settings and emotions. If there's any other questions you have, let me know!
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            Foul Play [Chapter Six up!]
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            Old January 24th, 2018 (2:21 PM).
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            popplio25 popplio25 is offline
               
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              tsfn prologue chapter 1 - rina and nido's birthday - preps


              https://akarifan25.deviantart.com/journal/tsfn-prologue-ch1-rina-and-nido-s-birthday-preps-719708269




              *quite a while ago... it was rina & nido's birthday... way before nido was taken... & before ri & ni had evolve*





              rina & nido:

              ri: hey, ni... they're still sleeping... so how about we go look for a birthday present for them...

              ni nods...

              ri: i really should leave someone with them, though...

              ni, looking a bit worried too, actually..

              ni: hmm.. you're right


              mama ri goes to over to rina & nido...

              she gently strokes rina & nido's head


              rina & nido:




              just then, a riolu, flaaffy & furret walked past... *their names are Anpu, moko & brownie*


              ri: hey, you guys...

              riolu: um?..

              ri: i'm ri the nidoran & this is ni the nidoran...

              ni: hi


              riolu: i'm anpu

              flaaffy: i'm moko.. hello

              furret: i'm brownie.. hi


              ni: nice to meet you... um... can i ask a favor?

              moko: sure...

              they come over...

              ni: um... it's their birthday today... they asleep right now, over there...

              she points to them,

              they look to where she pointed...

              moko: aww... such sweethearts ..

              brownie: yeah


              ri: ... we want to go & look for something... can you, maybe take care of them for a while?

              ri: are you guys any good with kids?

              Anpu: um..

              moko: i guess so...

              brownie: ok, we'll help you out...

              anpu nods


              ri: thanks, guys

              they nod



              ri: let's go, ni

              ni nods...

              they set out...


              a bit after....


              ri: ok, ni... what should we look for?

              ni: hmm... how about anything that we think that they'll like?

              ri: ok... let's start looking

              ni nods...


              ri goes left & ni goes right...


              meanwhile...


              rina & nido wake up...

              rina: hmm?

              anpu: oh.. you're awake

              nido: who are you? where's mom & dad?

              rina:

              rina, looking nervous... droops her ears a bit...


              moko: i'm moko & this is brownie & anpu

              brownie & anpu smile



              moko: don't worry... your mom & dad have just gone out for a bit...

              brownie: they said they won't be long... they asked us to look after you...

              anpu: it's your birthday, isn't it..


              rina, but still a bit nervous, brightens...

              rina: yeah...

              nido: that's right


              anpu: you want to play together with me, until they get back?


              rina: yeah! yeah!

              nido nods


              meanwhile...

              ri sees something..


              rina: hey, ni..

              ni: yeah?

              ri: i think rina will like this, don't you?

              she shows it to him... it was a yellow starpiece on a red string...


              ni: yeah, i really think she would.. i know she likes pretty things


              ni: oh... hey, how about this for nido?

              he shows her a black belt

              ri: yeah [IMG][/IMG] i think he'd like that


              ni: :)


              ri: i think we should find some berries, for the birthday party

              ni: that's a good idea.. let's go...

              ri nods

              they go to find some berries...



              meanwhile...


              anpu: so, what shall we play?

              nido:

              rina: ohh ohh... i wanna play jump rope ~

              nido: jump rope?

              anpu: ohh, that sounds fun

              nido: yeah actually, it does


              anpu: ok

              moko: we'll need a vine or something..

              brownie looks around for one..

              brownie: ohh, i see one..

              she picks it up & brings it over..

              brownie: it's a nice long vine, too

              anpu, rina & nido: great

              moko:
              ...

              moko & brownie take both ends of the vine...

              rina, nido & anpu are in the middle of the vine..

              moko: are you ready?

              rina, nido & anpu: yeah


              moko: ok.. ready, brownie?

              brownie: yeah


              moko: ok... here we go...
              ....

              nido, rina, anpu, moko & brownie: teddiursa, teddiursa, turn around,

              teddiursa, teddiursa, touch the ground,

              teddiursa, teddiursa, show your paw, teddiursa, teddiursa, that will do!

              ...
              meanwhile...


              ri: hey, ni... i see alot of nice berries over here...

              ni: you're right... i see oran, sitrus, nanab, cheri, bluk, magost, pecha, rawst, razz, watmel, wepear, apricot & mago berries


              ri: which ones should we take back, i wonder...

              ni:


              just then, they see a female squirtle come over to the berry plants... *her name is mizuko*, followed by a female totodile, a pink frillish, a latias, female azumaril, illumise & a female chikorita *their names are laiko, puru, aero, snowdrop, mi & flora* *aero, mi & flora have a psyduck watering can*


              mizuko & laiko both water gun to water the berry plants

              ri & ni watch in awe A


              puru & snowdrop gently use aqua tail & water pulse to water the plants too

              aero, mi & konoha use their psyduck watering cans to water the plants too


              ri & ni:
              ...


              ri: um.. hello?



              mizuko: hmm? oh, hello..

              ri: do you guys work here?

              puru: well, not exactly... we just come every now & then to water the plants...

              ri: that's great


              mizuko: yeah

              laiko: so, what's up?


              ni: we're looking for berries for our son & daughter's birthday

              puru: really?

              mi & aero:

              snowdrop: that's lovely

              flora:


              ri: is it ok if we pick a few?

              mizuko: sure

              ri: thankyou

              ni: which ones do you recommend?

              laiko: hmm... how about a couple of each plant?

              ri: yeah, that sounds good :) you really don't mind?


              mizuko: no problem


              ri: you wouldn't mind helping us, would you? i don't think we can carry them all back by ourselves


              laiko: we'd be happy to help

              mizuko nods

              ri: thanks a lot

              they go to pick a couple of each of the berry plants...

              ri: first the oran berries?


              puru: i'll get a basket for them

              ni: good idea
              ....

              puru: i've have it...

              ri: great

              mizuko picks about 6 oran berries & puts them in the basket

              ni: next up: sitrus berries

              mizuko nods

              mizuko: laiko, you help too, ok?

              laiko: okay

              she comes over to help

              laiko picks about 6 sitrus berries & puts them in the basket

              ri: now for the nanab berries

              mi comes over & helps too

              mi: i want to help as well

              ri: yes, please

              mizuko, laiko, puru & mi nod

              mi goes to pick about 6 nanab berries & puts them in the basket

              mi: there we go

              ri & ni nod


              ni: alright, now for cheri berries

              aero: can i, snowdrop & flora help too


              ri: sure

              mizuko, mi, laiko, puru & ni nod

              mizuko: ok, snowdrop, you pick some nanab berries, aero, can you pick some bluk berries? & flora, can use pick some pecha berries?


              snowdrop, aero & flora nod


              snowdrop goes & picks about 6 nanab berries & puts them in the basket

              aero goes & picks about 6 bluk berries & puts them in the basket

              & flora goes & picks about 6 pecha berries & puts them in the basket



              ri: great


              mizuko: ok, aero, pick some magost berries... snowdrop, pick some rawst berries & mi, help flora pick some razz berries, ok?

              laiko & puru, help me pick some watmel berries, ok?

              aero, snowdrop, flora & mi: ok

              laiko: ok, we'll help you, mizuko

              puru nods


              ri: ni, help me pick some wepear, apricot & mago berries, ok?

              ni: sure

              ri & ni goes & picks about 6 wepear & apricot berries & puts them in the basket


              mizuko, laiko, puru, aero, snowdrop, mi & flora go & pick about 6 magost, rawst, razz & watmel berries & puts them in the basket too...


              ri: that's everything

              ni nods


              ri: thanks for all your help, you guys


              mizuko nods


              flora: say, can we go back with you? i think i'd like to see your little kids

              snowdrop: oh yes, can we?

              mizuko: that'd be nice... besides.. i think the berry plants will be alright now that they're watered...


              ri: okay

              ni nods


              laiko & aero: thanks

              mi & flora: yay

              mizuko: thanks

              flora tries to lift the basket


              flora: uff... this basket is a bit heavy to carry...

              i mean... mizuko, try & lift it...


              mizuko: hmmm?

              she tries to lift the basket..

              mizuko: uff... you're right.. it is quite heavy... what do we do?


              mi: hmm... how about putting a bunch of them from this basket into 2 more baskets?

              mizuko: that might work, actually...let's try it

              puru, would you get a couple of baskets for us?


              puru: ok...

              snowdrop: i'll help her

              puru: thanks

              ...

              puru: we've got them

              snowdrop:


              mizuko nods

              laiko: let's try slowly pouring them into one basket at a time


              mi: ok

              ri: yeah

              they slowly pour some of the berries into a basket

              ni: hey, that worked...

              ri: yay!


              flora: ok... actually, i don't think we'll need the other basket now... these 2 baskets look just fine now :)

              laiko: you're right.. they do


              ri: shall we try again, then?


              flora: yeah

              flora tries & picks up a basket with her vine whips..

              flora: hey, it's lighter now


              ri: alright!

              ni: that's great




              ri: shall we head back, then?

              ni: yeah


              they head back to their nest place...






              *end of prologue chapter 1*
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              Old August 29th, 2018 (6:32 AM).
              popplio25's Avatar
              popplio25 popplio25 is offline
                 
                Join Date: Dec 2016
                Location: eastwood, essex, uk/johto
                Age: 27
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                Posts: 290
                updated chapters :3 - *note: i do it like this cause i'm not great at writing like other fanfics :frown:*



                prologue - the capture


                *this is way after their birthday*



                a year later....



                as nido & rina walk along, trying to find the place where the pokemon squad live...

                rina sighs...

                nido: come on, rina

                rina: i'm sorry, nido....

                rina walks towards him...

                nido: it's alright, rina...

                they continue walking...

                meanwhile...



                serviper & carnivine walk along

                then they notice rina & nido... they go and hide in the bushes


                they move slowly... & then serviper,

                he steps on a stick...

                carnivine: be careful, serviper, they'll hear us


                nido hears this & looks up....

                rina shortly after notices too...

                serviper: oh great....

                rina:

                nido:

                serviper: oh well...

                serviper: you're ours, nidoran!



                rina & nido back away a little... then they start to run


                before too long, serviper catches up to them

                nido pushes rina outta the way... he too tries to jump out of the way... but he gets caught... in serviper's tail

                rina looks at him....


                nido:

                carnivine: oh, shoot, we only caught one~


                serviper looks to rina

                rina, a bit scared, backs off

                nido: ahh! rina!... think, nido, think... ahh...

                nido bites serviper's tail


                serviper: ahhh!!

                she lets go off him


                nido drops to the ground

                nido: uff!

                rina: b-big bro, are you alright?

                nido: y-yeah, i'm alright~


                nido protects rina

                nido uses poison sting on serviper & carnivine

                serviper & carnivine: ahhh!!

                nido: rina, are you alright? rina?

                rina: i-i think so, but i'm scared

                nido: it'll be alright, rina..

                rina just sits there, scared

                nido looks at serviper & carnivine

                just then, a chatot named pera comes flying by..

                nido sees her


                nido: hey.. hey, pera! is that you? down here! can you help us, please?

                pera: hmm?

                she comes down to them & stops close to them


                nido: hey, pera, can you help us please?

                rina: p-please?

                pera: ok

                nido: rina, come on...

                rina: al-alright~

                rina comes over to nido & slowly goes into the hole



                pera looks at serviper & carnivine

                she uses fury attack on them

                serviper & carnivine:

                pera: yes!.... eh? uh oh!

                serviper & carnivine:

                they dash towards them..

                pera dodges out of the way...

                but then...

                serviper keeps going.. towards rina & nido

                rina:

                pera: rina, nido, look out!

                rina:

                out of instinct, *and what she learnt from tuti the nincada*, she uses fury swipes

                serviper & carnivine: ahh!

                pera: nice, rina

                nido: that's my sis

                rina: huh?

                serviper & carnivine:

                rina:

                nido:

                he uses rock smash on them

                serviper & carnivine:

                rina: thanks, nido~

                nido nods


                nido: let's go!

                pera: ok!

                rina: al-alright...


                they move on, again.....

                carnivine:

                he uses vine whip to grab them

                nido's ear twitches

                he turns around..

                nido:

                look out, rina!

                rina: ahh! nido!


                carnivine: oh, shoot, i only caught one~


                serviper looks to rina

                rina, a bit scared, backs off

                nido: pera, protect rina...


                pera nods & protects her

                nido: please get away, you two!

                rina: but...

                nido: please, rina, it'll be alright... you two get away!

                rina shakes her head a bit

                pera: it'll be alright, i'll protect you

                rina looks at her, then at nido

                nido: go on, it'll be alright

                rina: al-alright

                pera: come on, rina

                rina: o-ok...


                they leave


                serviper: wait!

                pera: no you don't!

                she uses fury attack on her...

                serviper:

                she follows her & ducks into a bush



                serviper: ah, she's not worth the trouble anyway, right now... let's go

                canivine: fearow!

                fearow comes

                fearow: i'm here

                seviper & carnivine get on her & they leave


                nido: rina~


                rina looks out from the bush...

                rina: nido-oni-chan~

                pera: i'll protect you...

                rina nods

                pera: let's go, then..

                rina nods

                they continue on




                rina looks up while walking with pera & sees fearow with carni & vipe on her back with nido

                rina wipes her eyes with her paw

                rina: i'll get you back... i promise



                *end of prologue*
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                Old August 29th, 2018 (6:50 AM).
                popplio25's Avatar
                popplio25 popplio25 is offline
                   
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                  Location: eastwood, essex, uk/johto
                  Age: 27
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                  Posts: 290
                  the search for nido chapter 1 - old friends




                  rina walked for a bit, with pera flying beside her, before resting on the grass after walking through a bush outside Cerulean City

                  rina: nido-onichan~...

                  pera: it'll be alright, rina~


                  a little bit later... a jolteon & a sylveon pass by in the grass... *their names are accella & luvena*


                  accella then noticed rina... noticing that she looks sad...



                  accella: wait, luvena!

                  luvena: huh? what, accella?

                  accella: come here...

                  luvena comes over...


                  accella: look over there

                  luvena looks

                  luvena: it's rina & pera


                  luvena: aw... i wonder what's wrong~

                  accella: shall we go find out?

                  luvena: yeah

                  luvena starts to go over to her...

                  accella follows



                  then rina hears the rustling in the grass...



                  rina: hm? w- who's there?


                  rina slowly sniffs around at the grass...

                  pera: what's up, rina?


                  accella & luvena pops out

                  rina gets a little surprised/scared and jumps behind the small ledge... she pops her head out from behind the ledge

                  pera: rina?


                  accella: ^^' ah.. i'm sorry we didn't mean to startle you...

                  pera: hi, luvena, hi, accella

                  accella: hi, rina


                  rina: oh, it's you, luvena... accella...


                  luvena: ... are you ok? i noticed you were maybe feeling a bit down

                  rina: oh, well... .. well, my 'big brother' got taken by a serviper & carnivine

                  luvena:

                  rina: nido-onichan~

                  luvena looks at accella, a little worried at hearing this...

                  rina: thinking 'after i lost my parents as well'

                  rina:

                  pera puts her wing on rina's back

                  rina: i have to rescue my brother.. but i'm scared

                  luvena pets rina on her head

                  rina: hmm?


                  luvena: it's ok, rina... it's ok to be scared sometimes...


                  accella: scaredy cat...

                  rina:

                  luvena looks at rina

                  she comforts her

                  luvena: accella, don't be mean

                  pera:

                  accella: ^^'... i'm sorry, rina *she doesn't mean to be mean*


                  rina looks at him

                  accella:

                  rina: ok, i- i forgive you..

                  accella, luvena & pera smile


                  rina, remembering that she misses her brother...

                  rina: nido-onichan

                  luvena: it'll be alright, rina

                  she strokes her

                  pera nods


                  luvena: we were taking a walk

                  accella: do you want to come with us?

                  ...
                  rina: thanks, but i'll be alright here, with pera i think


                  luvena: are you sure?


                  rina: i think so, yeah...

                  pera: i'm with her, don't worry


                  luvena: alright, then.... at least have someone else stay with you as well, for a while...

                  i know... brownie? can you come over here, please?

                  brownie: um? yes?

                  brownie then notices rina..

                  brownie: hey, it's rina..

                  brownie comes over

                  pera: hi, brownie

                  brownie: hi ^^

                  rina: hi, brownie

                  rina hugs her

                  pera smiles

                  luvena: can you take care of her? she's feeling a bit sad, cause her brother got taken

                  brownie: what? nido got taken... that's terrible

                  she puts her paw on rina's back gently

                  brownie: don't worry, i'll take care of her

                  rina:

                  pera: me too...


                  luvena: ok, rina... brownie.. bye bye

                  accella: bye...


                  rina & brownie wave bye bye


                  a little bit after that... brownie, rina & pera had falled asleep next to each other...


                  later after that... rina wakes up, stretches... she looks up at the sky...


                  then a flaaffy came along, going for a walk


                  she heard something...


                  rina: sighs.... oni-chan~


                  flaaffy: aww.. poor thing... i wonder what's up? wait a sec, that's rina... & brownie... pera too


                  she starts to comes over



                  rina hears something

                  rina gently nudges brownie & pera awake

                  rina: brownie, wake up


                  brownie: hmm?

                  pera: what's the matter, rina?




                  rina: look over there....

                  brownie: hmm? hang on, that's moko

                  pera: it's moko


                  moko comes and kneels down


                  moko: hey, rina, brownie, pera.. how are you?


                  rina: hi, moko

                  rina hugs her

                  she pets rina...

                  brownie & pera:

                  moko: what are you doing out here, rina?

                  rina: well, i...

                  moko: are you ok? rina?

                  rina: i- um...... ... my big brother got taken by a serviper & carnivine

                  moko: oh dear

                  brownie & pera:

                  rina: i miss him & want to rescue him... but... i'm scared


                  moko Pats her

                  moko: There, there, Rina, don't be scared, I'll help find him

                  rina: would you?

                  moko: of course

                  moko: of course

                  rina: thanks~

                  rina starts to smile a bit.... brownie & pera are happy about this


                  moko: You're welcome. Now, do you know where they took him?

                  rina: umm.. i'm not really sure... https://orig00.deviantart.net/4495/f/2016/070/8/8/sad_cutecookies_mascot_by_eevee03tv-d89tci3.gif

                  moko: ok, rina... don't worry... maybe if we continue down the road, we'll find some help to find him

                  rina: okay~


                  brownie: can i come too, rina, moko?

                  pera: me too

                  rina looks at moko, asking if they can come


                  moko: of course, you're our friends, after all


                  brownie & pera: yay!

                  rina: thankyou

                  moko:

                  rina, brownie & pera follow behind as moko walks down the path







                  *end of chapter 1*
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                  Old August 29th, 2018 (7:32 AM). Edited August 29th, 2018 by popplio25.
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                  popplio25 popplio25 is offline
                     
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                    chapter 2 - the underground path




                    as rina, brownie, pera & moko continue walking along route 5, it started raining

                    rina: oh no.. it's raining... *trying to cover herself*

                    brownie & pera try to shield rina from the rain with their tail & wing


                    moko looks around for something to use... then she notices a bunch of big leaves..

                    moko: here, you guys can use these as what people call umbrellas

                    rina: th-thankyou, moko~

                    moko: You're welcome

                    rina:

                    they walk on

                    soon they come to the entrance of Underground Path 5-6

                    moko looks at the sign

                    moko: it appears we can get to the next route through here

                    she opens the door

                    rina & brownie goes through the door, with pera following.. but not before throwing away their leaves...

                    moko too chucks her leaf away...

                    rina sniffs a bit

                    pera: is it safe, rina?

                    she goes down the stairs

                    rina: yeah, it's safe.. come on..

                    pera, brownie & moko follow...

                    rina runs on ahead a bit

                    moko: wait up, rina

                    rina: hmm?

                    moko: stay close, please rina

                    rina: o-okay

                    pera: it's fine, moko... it doesn't look like we can get lost

                    moko looks...

                    moko: that's true, but still... she's still young...

                    rina comes back to her..


                    soon they reach the stairs to the door leading to route 6

                    moko: here we are

                    moko opens the door with rina & the others following...

                    moko: hey, the rain's stopped

                    rina:

                    they walk for a bit... just then, rina looks up... she notices a rainbow

                    rina: hey, look at that

                    moko, brownie & pera looks up at the sky...

                    brownie: ahh~ so pretty~

                    rina: isn't it? ^^

                    moko Smiles up at the pretty rainbow

                    rina: ahh... i'm feeling kinda thirsty now... & a bit hungry

                    brownie: actually, so am i

                    rina: how are you, guys?

                    pera & moko's stomach rubbles a bit too..

                    moko: well, i see a lake over there, you two can have a drink there & i've got some oran berries in my bag

                    rina & the others: yay!!


                    rina & brownie go over to the lake & have a drink... moko & pera follow..


                    ...... rina:

                    brownie:

                    pera:

                    moko:

                    ......
                    soon after....

                    moko: here you go, rina... you too brownie

                    rina: t-thankyou *takes oran berry & eats*

                    brownie: thanks *takes oran berry & eats*

                    moko: you too, pera

                    pera: thanks, moko *takes oran berry & eats*

                    moko eats one too

                    .....


                    rina: ahh~ i feel better now~

                    brownie: me too~

                    pera: me too ^^

                    moko: i'm glad

                    moko: look, the sun's setting.... shall we set up camp and sleep here tonight?...


                    brownie: ok

                    rina, looking not sure

                    rina: are you sure we should?

                    brownie: why not?


                    rina: well, i.... i'm... i want to rescue my big brother as soon as possible *thinking 'i am scared... i don't like the dark

                    pera moves closer to rina

                    pera: are you scared of the dark?


                    rina: well... i...

                    she turns her head to the side...

                    moko kneels down next to rina & strokes her

                    don't worry, rina... we're here


                    pera: we'll find and rescue him.. promise


                    brownie: shall we sleep together, rina?

                    rina: o-ok

                    they move over to the grass...

                    moko finds a large, soft, flat bit of grass...

                    moko: rina, brownie... come here...

                    rina comes over to her... followed by brownie

                    holding her buneary plush, she lies down


                    moko: i'll use my flash move for you, rina


                    rina: th-thankyou, moko...


                    she lights up her tail, using flash


                    rina curls up next to her... but she looks up at the stars for a bit...

                    rina, thinking* mama... papa... i miss you .... nido-onichan

                    moko, to rina:

                    rina, to moko:

                    brownie nuzzles against her

                    rina:


                    .....

                    rina lies down & goes to sleep


                    moko smiles

                    brownie goes to sleep too... so does moko

                    pera goes to sleep too

                    ...

                    rina shivers a bit... moko wakes up..

                    brownie wakes up too... she notices that rina's cold... she puts her tail over her

                    rina twitches her ears, happily

                    moko: good night, guys


                    moko goes back to sleep




                    *end of chapter 2*
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                    Old August 29th, 2018 (8:04 AM). Edited August 29th, 2018 by popplio25.
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                    popplio25 popplio25 is offline
                       
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                      Posts: 290
                      special chapter 2 - the dream


                      *this comes after the main stories chapter 2*



                      rina, moko, brownie & pera 's sleeping...

                      then rina has a dream



                      ...
                      one day, rina, nido, mama ri & papa ni were taking a walk

                      rina, walking next to mama nidoran...

                      then... she, being happy, ran ahead.. & bumped into something...

                      rina: ow~...


                      mama, papa, & nido came to her

                      mama: are you ok, rina?

                      rina: y-yeah


                      papa ni: be careful, ok?

                      rina: ok

                      mama, papa & nido smiles


                      then... a wild rhydon, golem & Graveler came out of the bushes...


                      ....


                      rhydon: hey... who bumped into me?!


                      rina, a bit scared, backs off

                      mama ri: who are you?

                      rhydon: i'm don, & this is gol & veler


                      rina: i... i'm sorry... i didn't mean to

                      don roars

                      ...
                      rina murmurs...
                      ...

                      back in the dream...


                      rina starts crying & runs away to mama ri...


                      we were scared... i was the most...

                      mama ri & papa ni tried to protect us for while from the leader - rhyhorn before mama ri used ice beam on him...

                      she held on for a while...

                      papa ni used horn attack...

                      he too held on for a while


                      then he sent over golem & graveler towards us & shrugged mama & papa off

                      mama ri: look out!


                      we were scared.. but big bro nido started growling at them... they was unimpressed...

                      rina: mama, papa, help!~


                      mama ri got up and came towards with double kick... it did minimal damage...



                      graveler knocked mama out of the way.. then rhydon and golem looked over at us...


                      we backed away a bit... he & golem proceded to use rollout and mega horn towards us *rina & nido*....


                      rina! nido! said mama.... she got in the way of their attacks....


                      mama: ahhh!!

                      rina: mama!

                      nido: mom!

                      ....

                      rina: *mmm-mama, papa~*

                      ...
                      back in dream


                      i ran over to mama... rina: mama, are you ok? *nuzzling her*

                      mama: ahhh~ i think so, sweetie

                      papa nidoran looked over at them......

                      papa nidoran: golem, rhydon, *growls*... you rotten cheats!


                      papa nidoran used horn attack on golem... & then precended to use it again on graveler


                      it was slightly effective... but graveler knocked him away using mega punch....


                      papa: ahh~


                      rina: papa~

                      papa nidoran: i'm alright, rina~.. it'll take a lot more then that~


                      golem pointed to us... graveler nodded....


                      me & nido back off a bit



                      ....................


                      rina/nido: help!!!~


                      mama nidoran: rina! nido!

                      papa nidoran: let them go, right now!


                      rhyhorn: um... no

                      golem used rock blast against mama... it knocked her out...

                      rina: mama!~ nido: mom!


                      papa nidoran: why you little!

                      gets up & uses double kick... it makes contact a little bit... but golem knocks him out the way with Double-Edge


                      papa: ahhh~


                      rina: papa~!


                      just then... a chikorita came along while on a walk *her name is flora*


                      flora: uh oh, what's going on?!

                      she runs over


                      rina: ah... y-you there... oh, nido, it's our friend... it's flora....

                      flora: what's going on?!


                      she takes a deep breath

                      rina: please help us!!

                      flora: right!!

                      she rushes over and knocks graveler off of rina & nido using tackle


                      papa nidoran: oh, thank goodness, you're here...


                      flora nods


                      papa nidoran: these guys are tough



                      flora looks at golem & the other two

                      she uses razor leaf on them... it hit and was effective


                      papa nidoran got up a bit and used strength on them as well... it was effective


                      golem: forget it... i give up

                      rhydon: everyone, let's get outta here now!

                      ......

                      ...

                      rina started crying a bit

                      ....

                      back in dream...



                      I rushed over to mama & nido rushed over to papa

                      rina: mama?
                      .....

                      mama... she stopped breathing~


                      nido: dad! please get up... say something!

                      papa nidoran: papa nidoran: rina.. nido... please go home to the pokemon squad house... you'll be safe there...




                      flora: ah, if that's the case, i'll go tell them that you're coming back

                      she leaves to let them know


                      papa nidoran: okay~ thanks, flora~

                      ....


                      papa nidoran: rina, nido, please go..


                      nido: what?! no~


                      rina: i don't want to leave you two...

                      papa nidoran: please.... i don't have the strength... i've taken to much damage from those attacks... please go~


                      papa nidoran.. please do your best to protect your sister... i know you can do it...


                      nido: alright, dad, i'll do my best *nuzzling him*

                      ...

                      moko hears her

                      rina:

                      moko: rina? hey, are you ok? ...

                      moko shakes her gently

                      moko: hey, wake up, rina!

                      ...

                      back in dream..


                      papa nidoran: i know you will... we love you both... *silence*

                      rina: mama~ papa~ *rina still nuzzling mama nidoran*

                      nido tearing: come on, rina... let's go home

                      rina: but, i..... o, ok~

                      ...

                      rina wakes up..

                      rina looks around...

                      rina:


                      ...

                      moko: ... are you alright, rina? what's the matter?

                      rina: i-i had a bad dream

                      moko: aww! i'm sorry... come here


                      moko hugs her

                      rina hugs moko...

                      moko: try and go back to sleep, rina..

                      moko strokes her head, gently..

                      rina: h-hmm~

                      ...

                      ... she cuddles up to moko, hugging her mini buneary plushie, going back to sleep

                      moko looks at her ... stroking her...

                      moko goes back to sleep too






                      *end of special chapter 2*














                      more updated chapters coming soon
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                        #12   Link to this post, but load the entire thread.  
                      Old August 29th, 2018 (8:38 AM).
                      popplio25's Avatar
                      popplio25 popplio25 is offline
                         
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                        Quote:
                        Originally Posted by Bay View Post
                        Hey there! So I went ahead and merged your threads together because the rules state you have one thread for a story with longer chapters:



                        With that out of the way, I thought I would drop by to give some advice too. I admit I only checked the first chapter, but from looking your other chapters I'll be honest there's a lot that you can improve on. I don't want to overwhelm you too much, so I'll try to only mention a few things first.

                        So it seems like you're going for script form, which while not against the rules what you have here doesn't have much substance and why I'm sort of confused what's going on. For instance, you have the emoticons and *(name of place)* when you could've have written more description instead.



                        So, instead of having this in script form, I would advise you to have it in prose and more description and reactions. Like this:



                        Okay, I admit I probably went a bit overboard rewriting here oops. But I wanted to show you a bit how you can incorporate emotions onto your characters more instead of just using smilies/emoticons.

                        I highly recommend reading some fanfics here and published books to see how other writers described settings and emotions. If there's any other questions you have, let me know!

                        hi :3

                        i've posted some of my updated chapters on this thread :3
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                        Old August 29th, 2018 (4:29 PM).
                        Bay's Avatar
                        Bay Bay is offline
                        Darkinium Z
                         
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                        Location: Dani California
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                        Nature: Sassy
                        Posts: 5,429
                        All right, so usually I don't do this because I want to give new writers a chance to improve, but you've written several chapters/parts after I gave out some pointers and you've made no improvements at all. Also, there are a couple rules I want to point to your attention:

                        Quote:
                        Make Your Story Readable:
                        This means to follow the English grammar rules to the best of your ability. No one expects you to have a perfect story, but if the story is filled with tons of mistakes that clearly shows you didn’t proofread or put any real thought into it, your story will be closed. Let your story or chapter sit for a day before you proofread it and upload it.
                        Quote:
                        Only Well Written Script Fics Are Allowed:
                        Script fics are commonly seen as an easier way to write a story. Unless you script fic is more than just dialogue, it will be closed. It’s okay if you use the script format for dialogue, but please include narration and description.
                        So what I can tell you didn't make any effort to clean up the basic grammar stuff, and instead of improving your prose you continue to have images/smilies replace words and dialogue without emoiton. So yeah, gonna have to close this.

                        Before I leave, concerning your "my fic not as good as other fanfics" comment, that's totally fine. For instance, I've written for more than 10 years and I still think my writing is medicore and reaches the bare mininum. But yeah, I would seriously go and read the fanfics here and/or published novels and pay attention how basic prose is written before attempting to post anyother story again. Doesn't have to be Shakesphere or anything, or even to the example I gave earlier, but just enough for me to know that I can imagine what is going on through your words and not pictures/images. Wish you luck, and if you have any more questiosn let me know!
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