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[Pokémon] Shattered Crests Bk #1: Lines Broken

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Bay

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Real quick on the grammar front, I still see various dialogue puntcation mistakes, but the most common being you capatialize the pronouns if it's followed with a dialogue tag.

"You know Rosa wouldn't hesitate to kill you for doing that," He stated to the figure. The female gardevoir gave a deep laugh as it morphed into a male zoroark, with malicious eyes matched only, by his evil yellow smile.

"Why‽" She demanded turning her solid pink eyes towards him, "This scum has no use other than being a crude creep that seems to find laughter in anything he does no matter how-"

"So he was just amusing himself then, the masochist," She spat.

These examples you would lowercase the pronouns, so it's "he stated", "she demanded," and "she spat." Don't have time at the moment to comb through all, but something you can check back yourself or have someone else find those for you.

She gave a roll of her eyes and asked, "Am I done here?"

I still notice sometimes you would use "gave a (action)" when the active verb would work better. here, "She rolled her eyes" flows better.

"Alright, I'll do your errand!" She sassed and opened the door with her psychic and slammed it behind her. Daemon gave a sigh and rubbed his one eye.

"sassed" is a weird dialogue tag here. Maybe replace it with "said" or not even use a dialogue tag. (If you decide to not use a dialogue tag, you can keep the "She" capatialized there).

The dark type gave a less mocking laugh and threw his arm over the ghost's back. "I'm just playing with you, yah gentlemon," He chatted.

"chatted" is also a weird dialogue tag. Maybe it's not needed.

"Gotcha!" The roller exclaimed, as he broke out and grabbed the pink tail of the ampharos.

While I get who you're referring to as "the roller" as the Golem, that still sounds awkward. Maybe use "the boulder Pokemon", "the ampharos's opponent", or the Golem's name.

Before he could finished. The mon, started to form a small ball of blue wind in his palm.

I think here those two sentences go together, like this: "Before he could finished, the mon started to form a small ball of blue wind in his palm.[/quote]

I think that's all I'll point out on the grammar stuff. This chapter seems to focus the various antagonists, which is neat to give some different persectives. The first scene I don't have much thoughts on as it's mostly everyone talking about Seliph and his siblings, but I think this is Rosa's introduction. Not hard to imagine she would eavesdrop like that heh.

So, the scene with Corivac and the ampharos I take it Corivac's not the teaching type there and why that mysterious figure intervened there. The caterpie and weedle dialogue at the end of the scene dragged out a bit, but I can appreciate the prep talk there.

I admit, I get what you're doing with Demetri's speech but it's still kinda annoying to read haha. But anyways, looks like Zygarde will play a role with its Zygarde cell appearing there and curious how that will turn out. I think that's the first time it's mentioned in this story? I'm losing track of how many characters you have now oops.
 

Vragon2.0

Say it with me (Vray-gun)
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Chapter 20
Stubborn​

Jaron's eye lids slowly opened and began to look around the room. He spotted the crates of the storage area and the window, now showing grey light. He let out a yawn as he jumped off the crate he had deemed his bed and rolled his neck.

"Arceus, that wasn't the most comfortable bed I've been on, ooof," He mouthed as he pressed his gator palms against his back. As he did this, he looked over to where Ciecro had retired for the night. He was absent, his blanket made and everything.

"Huh," Jaron observed, "wonder where he is? He folded this blanket up so he must be…hm."

Jaron thought to himself about last night, and his conversation with Ciecro. I know he was hesitant at first, but he came around after we talked. Well he probably went to either train or get some food.

He gave nod to the plan and walked towards the staircase. "Oh!" he exclaimed, upon realizing he forgot that. He quickly ran over to one of the crates and picked up a small metal cube, he had worked on last night. "Don't want you getting lost hehe."

As he got into the main lobby, he noticed Vragon and Jasmine talking. He called out to them.

"Heya Jaron!" Jasmine replied with energy.

"Hello Jaron," Vragon uttered, his tiredness much more visible.

"You both sleep okay?" Jaron inquired as he joined them.

"I had about six hours," Jasmine answered, stretching out her front legs, "but I don't feel too bad." Jaron then looked at Vragon, whose eyelids were droopy.

"Bad night?" He guessed, to which the fraxure nodded.

"I hate it when I get one of those dreams." Vragon began rubbing his eyes.

"Heh, the dream about the giant granbull," Jaron teased.

"No," Vragon grumbled, "just one where I'm running and then I wake up tired."

"Running from the granbull," Jasmine added, joining in the fun with Jaron.

"I'm not afraid of granbulls!" Vragon protested, "Besides, don't we have to plan what to do now?"

"Yep," Jaron replied, deciding to get serious, "But let's handle that after getting some food."

"Fair I guess," Jasmine said, with a nod from the head. Vragon did likewise. Jasmine then gave a yawn and uttered, "I'm down for breakfast before headache."

"What about Ciecro? Shouldn't we bring him as well?" Vragon asked.

"He was already awake and gone when I woke up."

Jasmine's eyes narrowed slightly. "Did something happen last night?"

Jaron gave a shrug, "He seemed perfectly fine when we went to sleep. He even helped me with this a little bit." Jaron pulled out a cube from his shoulder sack. The other two eyed it with curiosity.

"What does it do?" Vragon inquired.

"Nothing right now," Jaron admitted, "but once I get the right parts and whatnot, this'll be a signal jammer. You know communication orbs, well this doohickey should be able to intercept the signals and display them for us."

"Don't they already exist and are usually used to catch criminals?" Jasmine corrected.

"Yep, but mine will be homemade and run on electrical circuitry. So I won't have some of the flubs synergy has, though it would need a charge now and then," Jaron said with glee.

"Impressive, if you can get it to function," A voice chimed in from behind them. Jaron about jumped out of his scales, at the spook from Dolly. "How's it going kids?" She asked, rubbing the back of her head, with a big smile on her face.

"Fine," Jaron sulked.

"Sorry about interrupting your little lecture, but as miss Jasmine said we need to get some food," Dolly stated putting her arm of Jaron's shoulders. She gave him a grin, but was met with darting eyes. "How was last night Jaron?"

"It was fine." Jaron replied.

Dolly's eyes squinted for a second, assessing something. Jaron was beginning to get uncomfortable, till she suddenly got back. "Well let's hurry, before they get too busy."

Jaron and Jasmine nodded, just as confused as to what Dolly was doing. Jaron then led the way, with Jasmine and Vragon following. Dolly trailed behind; her face scowling slightly. What happened to you last night? Did whatever happen do something to Ciecro as well?


< O >


The breeze was blowing over a dirt field for sport battling. It was a large circle with a few large rocks dotting its interior. On one side was a scowling Ciecro staring at the empty field. He closed his eyes and moved his head to face the morning sky. He let the breeze course around his neck and face, letting the cool air calm his nerves. He then looked at the rock in front of him. He slid his right leg backwards, putting his weight on it. He straightened his left and surged a Thunderpunch in his right. He kept this position, staring at the rock with concentrated eyes. He then firmly pushed off his right, twisted his torso, thrust his fist around and firmly leaned on his left leg. His move, struck directly on the rock, cracking the surface for about a foot radius. He kept his solid fist on it for a few seconds before removing it. He stared at the rock and look down at the dirt, disappointed.

"Damn…I gave that all I had…" He muttered to himself, feeling very dejected. He looked back at the other rocks he had also struck, seeing how similar those cracks were to this one. He looked back at the implant he made and put his claw on it. He pictured his dad striking a much larger boulder and leaving a much larger scale of cracks. His head fell down, so his stare was focused on his feet. His tail became lax and its flame dimmed a little.

"Ciecro!" A voice called out from behind him. The charmeleon jumped up from the startle and looked straight at an also startled Seliph. The greninja put his arms out and said, "Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you."

Ciecro's surprised face immediately shot to a glare upon identifying his older brother. He gave a snort, crossed his arms, looked to the side and said in a cold tone, "Don't sneak up on me like that."

"Sorry about that heh." Seliph broke a weak smile along with rubbing his head. He then said, "I noticed you were practicing your Thunderpunch."

Ciecro gave a louder snort. "So?" he asked in a passive aggressive tone.

"Well, if you want to practice moves, I might be able to help with that." Ciecro moved his eyes towards Seliph's warming smile face. The greninja could tell Ciecro wasn't very happy he was here despite his friendly gesture. "Well if you want to that is." The greninja tossed over a bracelet to Ciecro, who caught it and eyed it curiously.

"An inhibitor bracelet?" He said out loud.

"I rented two of the stronger affecting ones. Free things and get the job done after all," Seliph said with a friendly smile and a shrug. Ciecro looked at Seliph again and then back to the bracelet. He squinted his eyes and his breathing slowed down a little.

…What do I do? I promised Jaron, but…

Seliph guessed that Ciecro was stuck in an inner debate. So, to hopefully sway him in favor, Seliph strapped his bracelet on and set the dial to 90% inhibitor. He then walked back a ways and faced a cautious yet curious Ciecro.

"I need some good practice. Go all out on me."

Ciecro gave him a less cold stare and once again looked back at the bracelet. The events of the night before circled in his head.

"Fine…yeah I'm on edge cause of him…and it's 'cause I feel shrimpy to him." His own voice echoed.

"I know bro, which is why I want you to talk with me about it. I know we've had friction and all, but no matter how retarded you act I'll still love you, yah jerk."
Jaron's voice said afterwards. He turned his head and looked at the rock he struck. He gave a big exhale and as he slapped on the wrist he said in his head, Alright Jaron…you f*****g win.

He twisted the dial and turned to face Seliph. The two stared into each other's eyes, both were focused and ready. Seliph stretched his right froggy hand forward, then swiftly swung it to his side forming a Night Slash stick. He held it like a saber to his side in an open defensive and light feet stance.

Ciecro's eyes glowered as he pulled his left leg back and activated a dragon claw in his left hand, pointing slight upwards and behind him. He focused his gaze firmly on the smiling Seliph, eyeing every part of Seliph's stance. A few seconds passed as each waited for the other to move. Ciecro finally broke stance and sprinted. Seliph merely kept his poise as Ciecro leaped up and swung his Dragon Claw down upon Seliph. The greninja quickly sprang to the left, avoiding the downwards strike. He then thrust his Night Slash at Ciecro's head, who quickly rolled with his momentum out of the strike. He quickly fired a Flamethrower, forcing Seliph back.

Seliph then stood up and with a shrug asked, "Are you having fun yet?"

Ciecro gave a growl and ran towards a rock to Seliph's forward-right side. He then jumped and used it as a leap off for his left leg. He then surged a Dragon Claw with his left claw.

In response, Seliph formed a Water Shuriken between his hands and threw it forward. Ciecro swung his right fist towards the water type move, knocking away the move with a newly formed Thunderpunch. Seliph quickly dove forwards underneath Ciecro, before getting struck. Seliph quickly rolled on left side drew a night slash in his right hand and swung it in an arc downwards on Ciecro. Despite this back attack, Ciecro's Dragon Tail struck the Night Slash from the side. Seliph was slightly pulled forward to the left, leaving himself open for a tackle from Ciecro. The two rolled on the ground struggling. Ciecro managed to get on top and drew his Thunderpunch in his right hand. With an angry face and gritting teeth, he thrust it down, aiming for Seliph's face. Seliph managed to dart his head far enough to avoid it. Seliph then wrapped his tongue around Seliph's waist to pull him off. Ciecro was spun off the greninja, rolled a few feet, and recovered to a one knee defensive stance. Seliph took his time getting up, brushed off the dirt and said, "Maybe we should take a break eh?"

Ciecro's scowling eyes stopped for a second, confused. He then looked at the spot where he had punched at Seliph. His fist had left a two inch deep punch mark in. His eyes widened and he looked at his right hand. It was shaking slightly, as it would when he was angry. He quickly flicked it to his side. Did…Was I?... He looked down with slightly scared eyes. The image of the move making impact on Seliph was in his head. The damage he could do even with a restraint as evident by the mark he left on the ground.

Seliph deduced Ciecro was shocked. He looked at his inhibitor that read 90% and looked at Ciecro with a worried face. With a soft voice he said, "Ciecro it's alright." Ciecro didn't seem to notice. He was too busy staring at his shaky hand. "Ciecro…are you oka-"

"I'm fine!" Ciecro shouted as he turned around and stormed off.

Seliph reached his hand out and was about to call his brother's name. He stopped and moved his arm back. I…I didn't mean for that to happen. He thought in his head. He looked back at Ciecro, who was taking off his bracelet and throwing it to the side, walking away with stomping steps. Seliph walked over to the bracelet and looked at it. It read 95%. Seliph's eyes widened with shock at the revelation of how strong a Thunderpunch he narrowly avoided.


< O >


"Dang this is good. I haven't eaten out in so long," Jasmine exclaimed.

"Wow Dolly, this gives you a run for your Poke," Jaron added, licking his dish.

"Yes well, fancy showy places like these tend to really put their stuff into their food specifically," Dolly pointed out, sipping some Oran leave tea; her annoyance at the comparison etched in her half closed eyes focusing on the chop licking Jaron.

"And besides Jaron," Vragon added, putting his Oran juice down, "Dolly's place is a small stool diner, not some well-furnished area with more staff than just herself."

"True, but this stuff is damn good. Makes me want to eat it more." Jaron gave a pleased exhale as he put his saliva covered plate down.

Jasmine then leaned across the table a little and whispered to Dolly, "Probably cause of the sugar."

Dolly nodded her head in agreement.

"There's sugar in this‽" Jaron exclaimed in surprise.

"What tipped you off friend? The addictive taste with the infusion of flavors, or the fact it's made of berries, which by nature have sugar in general?" Vragon commented rhetorically.

Jaron gave a huff and replied with, "Well sorry I'm not some food connoisseur like Jasmine is."

"I'm not a connoisseur, I just know a lot about food and whatnot," She defended.

"Please Jasmine, it's bad enough you completely dissect what you eat to the point of literally telling us the different ingredients," Jaron accused.

"I do not!" Jasmine protested.

Vragon picked up another powdered covered berry and said, "If I recall correctly, when the server gave us these, you mumbled 'interesting so they used a Pecha Berry mixed with sugary mix along with some cinnamon. Dang, oh well it's no chocolate caramel sauce mix, but it'll do.'"

Jasmine gave him a scowl and whispered under her breath, "Traitor" Vragon gave a boasting grin as he took a bite out of his berry. Jasmine then put her paw on the table, and tried to change the subject. "Okay, so are we heading out?"

"To some library place right?" Vragon inquired, "I don't think it's ideal while those lunatics still after me."

"I'm going to have to agree with Vray on this," Jaron added, "considering we dodged a Mach Punch with our last encounter I don't think we should leave here for a while."

"But what about or duties?" Jasmine brought up.

"Just make the point that your friend is in danger from criminals and use that to get permission to keep guard on him," Dolly suggested as she put her cup down, "it'd make perfect sense and I'm sure your ranger head at the guild wouldn't be so fastidious to force you to come back. Sure you might get docked from a few weeks of pay."

"Good point," Jasmine admitted.

"We should probably wait for Ciecro's input," Vragon stated, putting his arms on the table and looking at the few berries left on the appetizer dish.

"I don't think he'd protest. The most he'd want to do is find the little grunts and that stupid dragon guy," Jaron answered. The croconaw reached out and grabbed one of the berries and took a bite out of it. "Besides," Jaron spoke amid his chewing, "he's not so much a fan of his job to not enjoy his free time here. Who knows, a little time from his and my job might do some good for the oaf."

Jasmine grabbed the second to last berry and said, "Are you sure? I mean, what if they find us here?"

Dolly gave a yawn and said, "Better here than in the open."

"I concur," the fraxure added, reaching for the last berry. To his surprise his hand hit the scaly skin of Jaron, who was reaching for the berry as well. "Jaron…let go please," Vragon asked.

"Uhh…you can clearly see my hand is on it," Jaron countered, trying to move his hand out. But Vragon clenched his claw around Jaron's claw. Jaron's eyes began to leer at an equally scowling Vragon.

"You already had one, so I should get the last one."

"That doesn't mean nothing. I'm hungry and last I checked you didn't reach for many so it isn't my fault you didn't grab for one till the last one was claimed." Jaron started to try and pull his claw out of Vragon's firm grip.

"Excuse me? From what I recall you had like eight of these things and I've only grabbed two. Not to mention I was busy with the actual dish I was eating."

"That's my problem how?"

"It means you've had enough for your stomach so let me have it."

Jaron squinted his eyes and said in a low growling tone, "Over my dead body."

"That can be arranged," Vragon threatened in a similar pitched voice. Dolly and Jasmine just stared at the awkward thing playing out in front of them.

Dolly then gave a cough and said, "Do you both want me to cut it in half?"

"Stay out of this," the two said in unison, turning their competitive scowls towards her. She flinched her head back a little.

"Um guys, I don't want to get us thrown out so could you both please not," Jasmine requested.

The two kept their gazes locked. Vragon finally said, keeping his eyes on Jaron's eyes, "She has a point. Settle this elsewhere?"

"Bring it on you little cluck." Vragon then let go of Jaron's palm, who shoved the berry in front of Dolly.

"What are you both doing?" She asked out of a mix of curiosity and concern.

"Settling this like men." Jaron then got up and pointed his hand at Vragon, "I challenge you to a battle and if I win I get the berry."

"Yeah!" Vragon replied with a tense competitive voice, "Well I accept you dingus."

"I hope you're ready to lose Vray. You've never beaten me in a battle," Jaron uttered in confidence.

"Maybe not, but if such delicious food is on the line, I'll kick your tail."


< O >


Jasmine had a quizzical expression on her face as she and Dolly sat on some rocks at the edge of a dirt line. "Is this actually happening?" she asked the kangaskhan.

"Apparently, I gave up trying to understand adolescent males when I met Ciecro." Dolly crossed her arms and watched as Vragon and Jaron did some stretches. "Course, it does mean I get to see a fight and that's always fun to watch."

Jasmine looked down, then back to the two in front. "You sure they won't get hurt?"

"Jasmine, they have inhibitor bands on and I told them to keep them on at least 80%."

Suddenly Jaron pointed his arm to Vragon. "I hope you're ready for an ass whooping."

Vragon shot back quickly. "Yeah, well I'm going be the one beating you."

Jaron gave a laugh and held his arm in front of his chest, displaying the 80% number on it. "Since I'm stronger than you, I think I'll turn this up a little." Jaron gave a grin as he twisted a nob on it, changing the number to 85%.

"Don't make me laugh Jaron," Vragon taunted, twisting his to 87%.

"Ah, so you think you have guts eh?" Jaron responded, turning his to 89%.

"Yeah you sucker, I'm gonna beat you with a bigger handicap." Vragon twisted his till it displayed 93%.
Suddenly an annoyed Dolly shouted to the two, "If you two are done seeing which one has the bigger snout, turn it to 95% and get going already." Jaron and Vragon snarled at her as they twisted their dials till they both read 95%.

They then put their arms to the side and kept their eyes on each other's bodies. Vragon moved his left leg in front and twisted his body to the side, stretched his left arm firmly out with his claw stretched out for slashing and his other arm pulled in front of his chest.

Jaron gave a smirk as he bent down and placed his hand on the ground, clutching the ground. He then moved his left hand out in an open slashing style and got into a pouncing position. His tail straightened out and he squinted his eyes.

The two waited for Dolly to start them off. Jasmine gave Dolly a look that essentially was "please be the adult and don't let them do this." Dolly just gave a smirk back and raised her hand, "Have fun beating the crap out of each other, boys." She swung her arm down.

Jaron immediately rushed towards Vragon keeping his body close to the ground. Vragon kept his stance firm and tensed his back leg, ready for Jaron's strike. Jaron suddenly rolled, taking in a breath as he moved on the ground. After finishing the roll, he fired an Ice Beam directly at Vragon. In response, Vragon darted towards the beam, tanking the hit with his arm and slashing with his claw. Jaron leaned back enough to avoid it, but in the process left himself open for Vragon to fire a Dragon Breath. It hit Jaron squarely on his chest, knocking him on his back. Taking this opportunity, Vragon leaped upon Jaron with his Dragon Claw. Jaron quickly brought up Slash and locked moves with Vragon. Despite Vragon's upwards advantage, Jaron was able to keep Vragon's claws away from his head.

"Not bad Vray. Didn't expect you to do that," Jaron praised with a competitive smile.

"Thanks," Vragon replied, just as competitive in tone. Jaron's smile suddenly turned malicious as pulled his lower body upwards and whacked Vragon's head with his tail. This distraction was enough for Jaron to push Vragon's Dragon Claw away and head-butt Vragon in the face. The fraxure fell off, but did a recovery roll and fired another Dragon Breath to cover himself. Jaron evaded with a side jump and used his footing on the landing to lunge at the fraxure, who replied with his own rush towards the croconaw. Jaron and Vragon began a close melee. Vragon was being the more aggressive one with jabs, kicks, swipes and slices, while Jaron avoided, tanked, blocked or parried. Vragon then did a strong downwards slice, to which Jaron backed away to avoid. Vragon then used the momentum to cartwheel into a strike with his forward leg. Jaron managed to grab it, but this was merely a diversion. Vragon used the balanve bracing Jaron gave his upside down state to slice at Jaron's right leg with a strong Dragon Claw.

"Ah!" Jaron screeched from the pain letting go of Vragon's leg. The fraxure then rolled back and got back to his feet. Jaron got on one knee and clasped the area he got struck, "Ow ow ow ow!"

"Good thing it's on 95%, else you'd have a nasty cut on your leg."

"Dammit Vragon, where was this bravado in our other fights?" Jaron said, giving a pleased grin.
Vragon just gave a shrug. "Surrender yet?" The fraxure joked.

"No way, loser." Jaron laughed and got back up. "Playtime is over Vray, now I'm going to be serious."

Vragon gave a sarcastic look and got back into his standard defense position.

Dolly and Jasmine had been quiet up to this point. Dolly then said, "Vragon definitely is surprising me. Though it's good to see him implementing his pros."

"You mean him being more of a speed build rather than defensive or offensive?" Jasmine guessed.

"Not exactly," Dolly answered. She then pointed to the fraxure and said, "See how he's in his basic position. Look at his eyes." Jasmine obeyed and noticed Vragon's eyes were looking straight, but seemingly not giving a focused glance.

"Wait?"

"Yep," Dolly effused, "he's planning rather than just getting into a fight with Jaron directly. He isn't being on the offensive, but thinking of ways to counter Jaron, someone who he knows well and has experience regarding his fighting style."

Jasmine looked back at the fraxure, then looked at the croconaw. He was giving his trademark grin, but she noticed something odd. He was twisting his right arm slightly, keeping his open palm away from Vragon's sight. What's he up to? She thought to herself as the croconaw again rushed towards Vragon.
He closed the ground between him and Vragon projecting an upwards left slice with his left claw. Vragon caught onto this and bent his head a little, readying to dodge, but anticipating an alternative attack from Jaron. He was surprised by the slash being as it was advertised. He managed to evade, but his surprise made him lose the firmness of his guard for a split second. Jaron took the opportunity to grab Vragon's left arm with his left hand. He then twisted it around his head, spinning himself and Vragon. Vragon tried to slash with a Dragon Claw with his free hand before getting into an arm lock, but Jaron had other plans. He let go and jumped back to evade. He then lunged at the perplexed fraxure, placing his right hand on Vragon's face. Suddenly, Vragon was sprayed in the face with a scald from Jaron's hand. He hit ground from the hot water, spitting it out of his mouth.

"What the-" Jasmine began, but Dolly interrupted with her observation.

"Good move by Jaron."

"How did he use scald from his hand?" a puzzled Jasmine asked.

"Didn't you see him move his arm back? He essentially formed a set up there. Moves like scald can be implemented in several ways. In Jaron's case, he prefers to use his mouth for the strong blast and speed from it, but he apparently knows how to use it from his hand."

"Wait…his hand?"

"The hands usage for moves like that are ideal when wanting to fire two beams of the move and/or firing up close with better accuracy and move flexibility. They are weaker, but Jaron was obviously going for knocking Vragon off balance by taking him by surprise and a quick taking advantage of the moment."

"Oh…" Jasmine said turning her face back to the battle. To her surprise, Vragon was yelping, trying to reach a Jaron with his free arm, since his other one was in an arm lock from Jaron.

"Say it!" Jaron said with a laugh afterwards.

"Never!" Vragon replied, but let out a shout of pain as Jaron pulled his arm back further with his legs and arms.

"Saaaaay it!" Jaron playfully demanded with a smile.

"F*** you!" Vragon shouted. A few seconds later and after a few more cries Vragon finally said, "Alright, alright, you win you jackass." Jaron gave a laugh as he let go of Vragon, who immediately got up and rubbed his hurting right arm.

"Good fight Vray, but I'm still the better fighter."

"That was dirty Jaron," Vragon growled.

"Every time I beat you, you call it dirty heh. Don't be sore Vragon. All's fair in love and war, besides you did really well." He offered his hand, which Vragon accepted. The croconaw pulled the fraxure up and gave him a pat on the back.

"Thanks, but one of these days I'm going to beat you," Vragon stated with a competitive tone and smile.

"I welcome that moxie so I can put you in your place," Jaron answered with a smirk, throwing his arm over the dragon's neck in between his back curve spike and the one on the back of his head.

"Well that was a good battle," Dolly praised, applauding with claps as the two walked over.

Jasmine gave a pleased nod and said to Jaron, "Dang Jaron, what else do you have in that head of yours?"

"A lot of stuff," Jaron replied, rubbing his snout with his index finger, "but hey, Vragon surprised me too." The fraxure gave a smile to the grinning croconaw.

Vragon shook his head and said, "Well, since you won I guess you can have it."

Dolly's eyes suddenly went ghostly. The three looked at her with confusion. Jaron the asked, "Can I have the berry now?"

Dolly then gave a weak laugh and began rubbing her left arm with her right. The two boys' eyes drooped halfway, starting to get the message. "Did you eat it?" Vragon asked with a stare. Jasmine looked at Vragon and Jaron and was worried at the step below murderous stares they had.

"Well…I kinda forgot that you both were vying for it on the way here and kinda ate it on instinct. I then realized after I took a bite out of hit, so I ate the rest since you wouldn't want it aft-"

"What the f*** Dolly‽" Jaron shouted, "I would have eaten it anyways!"

"Yeah Dolly!" Vragon joined in, "even I would have. That stuff is so good you glutton."

"Now, now you two calm down," Dolly ordered, with a nervous tone.

The two looked at each other and nodded. They both looked at Dolly with angry eyes. "Dolly," Vragon said, "you have a ten second head start."

"If you don't make it to some public place where we can't kill you, then sucks to be you," Jaron added.
Jasmine was about to say something, before Dolly immediately began running. Jasmine called out to which Dolly said, "I kinda deserve it. Wish me luck."

Jaron, who had been counting silently since her fleeing, finally counted out loud, "8…9…kill" The two then rushed after her, as fast as they could. Jasmine just stared at the chase and couldn't help but shake her head with a smile.

"Did I miss something?" a voice suddenly spoke to her left. She leaped back in surprise, but calmed down upon seeing it was Seliph.

"Do you just go around scaring people like that?" She said, clearly annoyed by the second surprise encounter.

"Sorry, I just got here," He apologized as he walked up. He gazed at the three in the distance, the two behind catching up to the one in front. "So why are Jaron and Vragon rushing after Dolly with what I think is the intent to harm her?"

"Long and rather odd story," Jasmine said with a shrug.

Seliph then just shrugged it off and said, "So what is the plan?"

"Oh…well Jaron and Vragon suggested to stay here for a while."

Seliph looked down with a tight-lipped gaze at the ground. Jasmine was about to ask what was wrong, but Seliph broke his silence with, "I'll have to talk with them about it."

"Huh? You mean you want to leave town?" Jasmine inquired, with a tilt of her head.

Seliph took a second to reply. "While this town is safer than back where you live, at the same time they are still in jeopardy. While I do think travel is dangerous at the same time staying here waiting to be attacked isn't ideal either."

"But how will moving towns help?" she questioned.

"Because…" Seliph looked at the chase again, "I have some acquaintances I'm meeting at Frantal Town."

"..Who?" Jasmine said, with a suspicious brow raised.

Seliph leaned in close and said, "mon's my brothers would be happy to see."

"Why would they? I mean, who are these mons?"

Seliph gave a sigh and continued. "I want to surprise them so please promise me you won't tell them."

She nodded and he continued, "Two mon's that were friends with my parents."

"Really?" She said, and Seliph confirmed with a nod. "They are part of a team that my father and mother were a part of. A Norfarion elite team called Team Alpha." Seliph then pulled out a Norfarion badge. She eyed it with awe at the red colored shield crest covering a spiky silver 'X' made of light metal.

"I'm not a part of their team, but I've been in contact with them for some time. I told them to meet me at Frantal Town before and then well all this happened."

"I see…well…"

"It's fine, I was planning on telling them my thoughts on going to Frantal Town. I would like your support, but I won't force you and would be fine with whatever you choose. But if you could think about it then I'd be most grateful."

"Okay…just well…"

"I understand," Seliph said, causing Jasmine to look at him surprised. He looked at the plains opposite the town and said, "You're with them and I that's fair. I'm glad you even are talking to me since well, I'm sure you are aware of the things I did to them."

Jasmine looked at the ground with a scowl. She then said in a soft tone, "Why did you leave them like that?"

Seliph closed his eyes and said, "I can't disclose that."

"Why not?"

"You're not the only one who doesn't trust," Seliph admitted as he turned to face her. "The world is a big place. Filled with beautiful and terrible things." He slowly began to walk towards her, "Things that would shock you. I should know, I've seen things that still stay with me and my head."

Jasmine backed away slightly, getting really uncomfortable with his approach and seemingly uncanny gaze. Seliph spied this and stopped and apologized.

"No, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked."

"You're a good friend to my brothers," He praised with a smile, "Any friend of them I have high opinions of. I'm glad they have you." She gave a smile and a nod. "Well I have some things I need to record. I'll
see you later when we decide on our next course of action."

She gave a nod and looked at the ground as he walked past her. I feel he's being genuine, but why can't I shake that feeling? I'm certain there's something he's not telling and yeah he has secrets I get that. She looked at him as he walked away with a serious stride, But I get the feeling he's after something…I don't want Jaron and Ciecro hurt like that again. She gave a snarl and turned around and headed to town.

Footnotes:
Cluck - An overly talkative person that has become an annoyance/blabbermouth.
 

Bay

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17
Years
So reading thorough both battle scenes we get to see the inhibitors being used there. Ciecro and Seliph seems a bit more personal while Jaron and Vragon's has some intense action too but a little more lighthearted rivalry going on. Haha over Dolly eating the berry Jaron and Vragon were fighting over.

Grammar wise, I still see some dialogue punctuation mistakes mostly having capitalizing the pronouns (he, she, etc) instead of lowercase and overuse of passive voice. I made some comments about that on my last review.
 

Bay

6,385
Posts
17
Years
Okay, gonna close this now as Vragon has made a new thread for his story there so go ahead and check the revised version on the link he provided!
 
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