Lash

Age 30
Mesa, Arizona
Seen February 5th, 2010
Posted December 4th, 2009
1,010 posts
16.6 Years
Rated PG-13 - Mature themes may take place every now and then, somewhat mild violence, minor swearing.

Genre- Action/Adventure, minor Romance.

First FanFic at this sight :\ *nervous*
I wrote this out irl. May match the Diamond/Pearl theme at times.

Prologue;;
Summer; The finest of days. Along with that, its better along with friends, one of them hanging out, the two best of friends, two trainers named Pat and Hunter.

The the midst of a fine day, the two look rather bored, sitting on lawn seats infront of Pats house, listening to the music on the radio. The two trainers are best of friends, though different, in attitudes and appearance.

Pat is 14, and wears a red hat that symbolizes the upper half of a Pokeball, and he has light brown hair and eyes, and a white shirt. His pants are light blue, along with pure black shoes, and standing at a height of 5"6', looking around 104 pounds.

Hunter on the other hand, wears a plain black shirt, with slightly long hair, colored blonde and brown. His eye color is blue, and like Pat, wears light blue pants and black shoes. He weighs 112 pounds, and towers at 6"2'.

The two are best friends, but Pat's attitude is calm and collected, though he may tend to lash out at times, he is merciless, and always looking for something to do. Hunter is a 'ladiesman', always a little too confident, but like Pat, can't stay still.

These two are best friends, and have been for awhile. They have traveled everywhere in the regions, gaining strong Pokemon, training all the time, becoming Pokemon masters, though the two don't look it in the front of Pats house, sitting on chairs, listening to music, turning the volume up when a song called, "What I've Done" by Linkin Park, enjoying the song. Pat and Hunter each have a favorite Pokemon they have with them. Pat has Aipom, while Hunter has Sneasel.
RIP Jimmy "The Rev" Sullivan
Feb 10th, 1981 - Dec 28th, 2009

"Jimmy you are forever in our hearts"


And **** you 2009 for taking him from us.
Age 36
Seen 17 Hours Ago
Posted 2 Days Ago
The unfortunate thing is that this doesn't read like a good prologue. This reads more like character profiles. Sure, we know what the characters look like and how they act, but so far they haven't done anything that makes readers want to read on.

Also, try not to tell the readers the information. Instead of saying that Pat sometimes lashes out, show it by having him lash out at someone. With personalities, sometimes it is more interesting to show the reader.

I didn't spot too many grammar errors, but I wasn't looking for those specifically. I did notice that you have a problem with possessives. It's "Pat's" - you missed the apostrophe. Same with "ladies' man".

Avatar credit: Fairy

Lash

Age 30
Mesa, Arizona
Seen February 5th, 2010
Posted December 4th, 2009
1,010 posts
16.6 Years
Well, yes sorry, this is my first Fanfic Dx
But at least I hope the story will be good. Chapter 1 will be posted later.
RIP Jimmy "The Rev" Sullivan
Feb 10th, 1981 - Dec 28th, 2009

"Jimmy you are forever in our hearts"


And **** you 2009 for taking him from us.