I Live in the Sky

Started by Midori Chi August 19th, 2007 2:06 PM
  • 865 views
  • 6 replies
Female
Texas
Seen October 27th, 2019
Posted September 8th, 2016
5,522 posts
18.8 Years
I'm baaaack to the Poetry section~ It's been so long since I've been in here, it seems. I just made up this poem a few minutes ago, and this is my first poem in a long time, so I'm prepared for any critiques. So, without further ado...

I Live in the Sky

I lived on earth,
but I ran away.
I was given birth,
but life didn't stay.

I live in the sky,
above your head.
You ask me why.
It's 'cause I'm dead.

My smile is the sun.
Rain are my tears.
To the sky I have run,
for the rest of earth's years.

I live in the sky,
above your head.
You ask me why.
It's 'cause I'm dead.

Thunder is my anger.
The wind is my sigh.
I was ill and in danger,
so I decided to cry.

I live in the sky,
above your head.
You ask me why.
It's 'cause I'm dead.

The illness has taken me,
but it's not bad at all.
My soul is free,
and here's my final call.

I live in the sky,
above your head.
You ask me why.
It's 'cause I'm dead.
Age 26
Female
*shoots self*
Seen December 11th, 2010
Posted September 18th, 2010
867 posts
15.9 Years
I pretty much never read anyone elses poems, so take this as a compliment!

Seriously, I like it. And I normally don't like other peoples poems. Mostly cuz their never interesting. But I like this one, not since it has a new idea (Because it doesn't) it's because the way you write them. Um...I can't explain this at all.

So be it.

Dress up in your best / So I can be proud of you
Age 31
Male
Santa Isabel, Mexico
Seen July 7th, 2018
Posted February 2nd, 2016
4,000 posts
18.9 Years
Er, eleborating a bit more on what Manaphy might have meant...

Rhythm is fine, not alarmingly sloppy, but it'd do better with a more restricted metric. The description is brief and creative, and it's an organized structure. I like the idea and metaphors you implied. It's a very nice poem, Verde Chi! ^^
虎穴に入らずんば虎子を得ず
Bittertown
Seen September 2nd, 2009
Posted December 28th, 2008
7,901 posts
19.7 Years
Safe structure and rhymes, overall pretty decent, not as cliched as I thought it might be, but it's still passes and it's likable. Short verses make it safe, but it doesn't carry the whole poem with it. Still pretty good though, and keep up the good work.

Pocket Monsters Special!