The Shot

Started by Vavavoom ♣ August 20th, 2007 2:28 PM
  • 1560 views
  • 13 replies
Seen November 10th, 2007
Posted October 30th, 2007
2,217 posts
16.9 Years
Edit: The thread can be closed. Sudden rules appeared few minutes ago and I don't have the right requirements, sadly.

Crimes... Are you one of those people that like Crime Stories? I like those kind of things. This is why I've create this thread; to show the community my work. This story is not real. It's a pure fan writing. I hope you guys will enjoy. This whole thing is not a huge story. It's a simple, small entertaning text.

-Characters-

Dave Turner (1st Class Investigator)
Jane Karimoko (2nd Class Investigator)
Larry R. Gregory (2nd Class Investigator)
Elena Jackson (3rd Class Investigator)
Patrick DuPont (3rd Class Investigator)

-Plot- (It is simple)

A guy is found shot in front of a building.

-Part 1-

November, the 23rd

" Dring... Dring, dring... " " Hello?... ... ... I'm coming. "

Jane gets out of her bed. " Alright... Let's go. " She puts her glasses, normal clothes, and boots. Jane takes her bag. In the car, she starts thinking of what's happened. After few minutes, Jane arrives at the crime scene. " So what have we got? ... " Her boss tells her " A dead body. I want you to investigate the whole crime scene. Elena will help you. Be sure to collect all the evidences... I'm going back to the lab. "

Jane walks to the body while Elena looks around for clues. " Oh my god! " cries Jane. " What happened? " " The victim was shot. Look at his left shoulder. " replies Elena. Jane take a blood sample. She walks around the scene... Elena finds a hair which is possibly the victim's. She takes her small envelope and put the hair in it. " Jane, I'm going a bit further ". " Alright. I'll find more clues. "... ... ...
____________________________________________________________________________________________________

-Part 2-

While walking, Elena founds gunshot residue. She takes a sample of it and put it into a small plastic bag. " I found gun shot residue! " yells Elena. Jane yells back " Alright. Take a sample! ". " Already did... " replied Elena. " Hey Jane, come here! ". Jane goes where Elena is. Elena points at a blood trace. She takes a sample. " Okay, I'm going back to lab. I have all I need. " tells Elena to Jane.

Elena goes in her car and drive until she arrives at the lab. " Hey Elena, what case are you on? " ask Patrick, another investigator. " I'm on a 8-14: gun shot. " replies Elena. " Ah... Those gun shots. That's sad. Anyway, a body is waiting for me Downtown. See-ya " Patrick walks outside of the lab and take his car to go Downtown. Elena change clothes and go in the white room where she will analyze the objects that she found on the crime scene. " Hmm... " ...
____________________________________________________________________________________________________

-Part 3-

She opens a small bottle that contains white powder. Elena takes a little bit of powder and puts it on the gun. " Oh no... " says Elena. She finds finger princes. Then, Elena puts a sticky paper where the finger princes are and retires it. She puts the sticky paper with the finger princes into the DNA machine...

Few hours later, the face of a woman appears on the screen. Elena reads " Victoria James, 24 years old woman "... " That's it. She is the killer " says Elena.
____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Part 4 will be here soon.


I left this community.

Soeur: Midori-Chi Soeur: Virtual Headache
Connaissance: mewthreew/armor
Age 26
Female
*shoots self*
Seen December 11th, 2010
Posted September 18th, 2010
867 posts
15.9 Years
I'm sorry to say this, but that's not long enough to be a part, nevertheless a chapter. You need to really invite readers i with a nice long or medium paragraph or a few.

Now looking at the story line, I can't really tell what it is actually. Elaborate more on it.

Meh.

Dress up in your best / So I can be proud of you
Seen November 10th, 2007
Posted October 30th, 2007
2,217 posts
16.9 Years
Ah okay. Well thanks for you comment! I edited my post to make it clearer. Anyway, Part 2 is up. ^^

-Part 2-

While walking, Elena founds gun shot residue. She takes a sample of it and put it into a small plastic bag. " I found gun shot residue! " yells Elena. Jane yells back " Alright. Take a sample! ". " Already did... " replied Elena. " Hey Jane, come here! ". Jane goes where Elena is. Elena points at a blood trace. She takes a sample. " Okay, I'm going back to lab. I have all I need. " tells Elena to Jane.

Elena goes in her car and drive until she arrives at the lab. " Hey Elena, what case are you on? " ask Patrick, another investigator. " I'm on a 8-14: gun shot. " replies Elena. " Ah... Those gun shots. That's sad. Anyway, a body is waiting for me Downtown. See-ya " Patrick walks outside of the lab and take his car to go Downtown. Elena change clothes and go in the white room where she will analyze the objects that she found on the crime scene. " Hmm... " ...


I left this community.

Soeur: Midori-Chi Soeur: Virtual Headache
Connaissance: mewthreew/armor
Age 31
Male
Santa Isabel, Mexico
Seen July 7th, 2018
Posted February 2nd, 2016
4,000 posts
18.9 Years
Oh why, why can't I find myself indifferent after reading this? >>

" Alright... Let's go. "
Do not space right after opening/before closing a quotation mark.
Jane arrives at the Crime Scene
"crime scene"

Her boss tells her " A dead
Missing a colon, the dialogues confusing... Could you bother telling us who the heck is talking?

Jane take a blood sample.
Elena points blood trace.
Elena goes in her car and drive until she arrives at the lab.
" Hey Elena, what case are you on? " ask Patrick, another investigator.
Patrick goes outside of the lab and take his car to go Downtown.
Elena change clothes and go in the white room
Who's narrating, a caveman? Verb tenses are messed up.

... Seriously, that's killing me over the whole story.

Lengthen your chapters. Elaborate on narration. Please change the verb tense. Apply descriptions, detailed ones are nice. Use a spell-checker or something. Don't depend on it.
虎穴に入らずんば虎子を得ず
Seen November 10th, 2007
Posted October 30th, 2007
2,217 posts
16.9 Years
Do not space right after opening/before closing a quotation mark.
That's weird because at my school, I learnt how to use the quotation mark. So you can't really tell me that unless you're over 18. I trust my teachers and the ones that educates me.

Could you bother telling us who the heck is talking?
It's quite evident if you focus on the text and not other things.

Who's narrating, a caveman? Verb tenses are messed up.
Say stuff without comparing them to other things, please.

Anyway, I'll work on what you said.


I left this community.

Soeur: Midori-Chi Soeur: Virtual Headache
Connaissance: mewthreew/armor
I
Seen April 10th, 2009
Posted September 20th, 2008
595 posts
16.3 Years
Crimes... Are you one of those people that like Crime Stories? I like those kind of things. This is why I've create this thread; to show the community my work. This story is not real. It's a pure fan writing. I hope you guys will enjoy. This whole thing is not a huge story. It's a simple, small entertaning text.

-Plot- (It is simple)

A guy is found shot in front of a building.

-Part 1-

November, the 23rd

"Dring... Dring, dring..." "Hello?... ... ... I'm coming."

Jane gets out of her bed. " Alright... Let's go. " She puts her glasses, normal clothes, and boots. Jane takes her bag. In the car, she starts thinking of what's happened. After few minutes, Jane arrives at the crime scene. "So what have we got? ..." Her boss tells her "A dead body. I want you to investigate the whole crime scene. Elena will help you. Be sure to collect all the evidence... I'm going back to the lab. "

Jane walks to the body while Elena looks around for clues. " Oh my god! " cries Jane. " What happened? " " The victim was shot. Look at his left shoulder. " replies Elena. Jane takes a blood sample. She walks around the scene... Elena finds a strand of hair which is possibly the victim's. She takes her small envelope and puts the hair in it. " Jane, I'm going a bit further ". " Alright. I'll find more clues. "... ... ...

-Part 2-

While walking, Elena finds gun shot residue. She takes a sample of it and put it into a small plastic bag. " I found gun shot residue! " yells Elena. Jane yells back " Alright. Take a sample! ". " Already did..." Elena trailed off "Hey Jane, come here!". Jane goes over to where Elena is. Elena points at a blood trace. She takes a sample. " Okay, I'm going back to lab. I have all I need. " Elena says.

Elena goes in her car and drive until she arrives at the lab. " Hey Elena, what case are you on? " asks Patrick, another investigator. " I'm on a 8-14: gun shot. " replies Elena. " Ah... Those gun shots. That's sad. Anyway, a body is waiting for me Downtown. See-ya " Patrick walks outside of the lab and takes his car to go Downtown. Elena changes clothes and goes in the white room where she will analyze the objects that she found on the crime scene. " Hmm... " ...

Part 3 comming soon...

Ok, fixed up some gramatical errors, but I think personally it would be easier to write it in past tense.
Age 31
Male
Santa Isabel, Mexico
Seen July 7th, 2018
Posted February 2nd, 2016
4,000 posts
18.9 Years
That's weird because at my school, I learnt how to use the quotation mark. So you can't really tell me that unless you're over 18. I trust my teachers and the ones that educates me.
That's good, trust. That's bad, naiveté. Do some research on punctuation yourself. Always look for a second opinion.

It's quite evident if you focus on the text and not other things.
Not enough. Lame excuse. I can figure it out myself, thanks; it's just not the way to write dialogue. It's best not to leave everything to common sense, nor it is good to always rely on it anyway; you should know that already.

Say stuff without comparing them to other things, please.
Er, no thanks. I can compare what I want to, and I wansn't trying to offend you on that. Yeah well, I am sorry if it was offensive to you, but consider taking harsh critique from now on. Not everyone is going to soften everything they say to you or about your works.

If you merely wanted flowery comments for your stories, well, you'd be mediocre. I don't think you are.

Anyway, I'll work on what you said.
Please do so. Tense, dialogue, narration, description, length, grammar and characters.
虎穴に入らずんば虎子を得ず
Seen November 10th, 2007
Posted October 30th, 2007
2,217 posts
16.9 Years
That's good, trust. That's bad, naiveté. Do some research on punctuation yourself. Always look for a second opinion.
Look, I doubt that you know more about all those things than my teachers. So please, stop saying things that you think it's good for me, because actually, what are you telling me right now is annoying me. (And I know that you think that all you write was a critique)

Not enough. Lame excuse. I can figure it out myself, thanks; it's just not the way to write dialogue. It's best not to leave everything to common sense, nor it is good to always rely on it anyway; you should know that already.
Sadly, I'm not a professional. Neither you. I know that you know more about writing things and all that. But the pressure that you put on your words isn't good. It looks like if you want to defend youself on something - That's one of the reasons why I don't like putting my things on the net. Unfortunately, I did.

Er, no thanks. I can compare what I want to, and I wansn't trying to offend you on that. Yeah well, I am sorry if it was offensive to you, but consider taking harsh critique from now on. Not everyone is going to soften everything they say to you or about your works.

If you merely wanted flowery comments for your stories, well, you'd be mediocre. I don't think you are.
You didn't try to offend me, but actually, you did. I do accept critiques. If I wouldn't accept critiques, I wouldn't create a thread here. Also, you don't give good enough feeback, sadly.

Please do so. Tense, dialogue, narration, description, length, grammar and characters.
I'll work on what needs to be changed. Now, all this is talk is ruining the purpose of the thread.

~ End of discussion.


I left this community.

Soeur: Midori-Chi Soeur: Virtual Headache
Connaissance: mewthreew/armor
Seen November 10th, 2007
Posted October 30th, 2007
2,217 posts
16.9 Years
Gunshot residue is a powder; when someone shoots a bullet, a powder falls on the ground or on the thing that's under the gun. By the way, Part 3 is up. ~

-Part 3-

She opens a small bottle that contains white powder. Elena takes a little bit of powder and puts it on the gun. " Oh no... " says Elena. She finds finger princes. Then, Elena puts a sticky paper where the finger princes are and retires it. She puts the sticky paper with the finger princes into the DNA machine...

Few hours later, the face of a woman appears on the screen. Elena reads " Victoria James, 24 years old woman "... " That's it. She is the killer " says Elena.


I left this community.

Soeur: Midori-Chi Soeur: Virtual Headache
Connaissance: mewthreew/armor