Pokemon: Arnoh (PG-13)

Started by RocketMemberMichael August 23rd, 2007 7:20 AM
  • 1016 views
  • 8 replies
Age 30
I am sobbing with Mew...He is dying...
Seen April 12th, 2016
Posted February 14th, 2008
337 posts
17.3 Years
HEY: I know this is my third fanfic but please don`t close it, I will keep updating all of them, please give constructive critism and rate it thanks :)!

WAIT!: I know my chapters are small but don`t worry, the story will be big just in small chapters :)!

Pokemon: Arnoh (Pronounced Our-No) -PG 13-

Prologue: It was a dark cold day and the sky was full of thick fog, in the town of Opalseed, nobody could be seen or heard for miles and the only light was the shine from the grey moon above. On the top of a tall hill an old man stood, cluching his hand with a sad expression on his face, behind him was a Pikachu wearing a red ribbon around his neck, the old man had some grey hair on his head and many wrinkles, he was wearing a pearl white robe.
"Pikachu..." The old man said weezing, "The time has come." the small Pikachu looked up to the old man and tilted his head.
"Pika?" The Pikachu cried in a high piched voice.
"Pikachu, today, Arnoh will collide with the region of Heonn." The old man sighed, "Pikachu, the end is nigh..."

Chapter 1: The Region of Arnoh.

It was a typical day in Arnoh, the grass was green and alive and the sky was crystal blue, Michael Smith a teenage boy from Rightwood City was sitting in his bedroom, today was his birthday and Professor Pine was going to give Michael a Pokemon, he sat on his bed tapping his feet ansiously and staring at the clock, he waited, and waited and finally he heared from outside his house a car park, it was Professor Pine.

Michael put on a black cap with the letters NY over his short black hair and slipped on his favourite black trainers, he was wearing black pants and a white hoody. Michael ran downstairs, kissed his mother and opened the door, but Professor Pine`s car was not there, it was a police car.
"What? What`s going on?" Michael asked the police man who was walking to the Pokemon Lab.
"Sorry kid, can`t tell you." The police man replied, "GO GROWLIFE!" a tiny Growlife emerged from his Pokeball and the officer followed him as he sniffed the floor.
"Where is the Professor?" Michael said scratching his arm, the Police man turned to Michael frowned and then walked towards a small house, "Where is the Professor?" Michael asked again impatiently.
"Look kid, the Professor is missing ok! Watch the news tonight! It will explain more for you!" The policeman then followed his Growlife into a house.

Chapter 2: What happened to Professor Pine.
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http://z15.invisionfree.com/PokemonSpritersForum/
Seen September 18th, 2007
Posted September 12th, 2007
100 posts
15.7 Years
I could say that this is pretty good even though its short. I like the speech and If I read properly the spelling seems ok.

I like it. For now I'd give it a 8/10. I'll continue to read this. Good job- Googlebug.
I hvee a vrey ood sgianutrae. I am minkag tihs vrey hrad to raed. Oh wlel. I wlel udpteaa tihs ltaer. Ltaer is now. So I am udptaanig tihs now. If you can raed tihs tehn put it itno yuor sgianutrae or else. Olny fftiy fvie preecnt of poelpe can raed tihs. So if you can raed this do waht I say or lkie I say or esle.
http://z11.invisionfree.com/The_Three_Musketeers/index.php
Age 30
I am sobbing with Mew...He is dying...
Seen April 12th, 2016
Posted February 14th, 2008
337 posts
17.3 Years
New chapter up, it isnt that good so I will add another one
in a minute hope you guys enjoy it.
PM me for a battle! Here is my name and freindcode!

Name: Michael
Friend Code: 5197 9887 7813

http://z15.invisionfree.com/PokemonSpritersForum/
Seen September 18th, 2007
Posted September 12th, 2007
100 posts
15.7 Years
Hey, in writing, be optismistic. And why edit into it when you can just post a new chapter. I find that easier. Now I've noticed just a couple of spelling mistakes. Heared which should be heard also ansiously which I think should mean anxiously. Also please ony pist one chapter a day, leave time for people to read. Otherwise when they next come back they will have another five chapters to read, which isnt great. Maybe you should use a spell checker just to pick up on these little problems.- Googlebug.
I hvee a vrey ood sgianutrae. I am minkag tihs vrey hrad to raed. Oh wlel. I wlel udpteaa tihs ltaer. Ltaer is now. So I am udptaanig tihs now. If you can raed tihs tehn put it itno yuor sgianutrae or else. Olny fftiy fvie preecnt of poelpe can raed tihs. So if you can raed this do waht I say or lkie I say or esle.
http://z11.invisionfree.com/The_Three_Musketeers/index.php
Seen September 2nd, 2008
Posted May 17th, 2008
43 posts
15.8 Years
Hello!

Well, I read your prologue and first chapter to your story. I hate to say it, but what you have posted as a chapter, doesn't really cut it. I know you wanted to keep them short, but without making them longer, you lack explanation and it doesn't really catch a readers attention.

I think... (this is my personal opinion), that if your going to have several stories going at once, that you actually take the time to write them out, and don't start a new story were the chapters are short and lacking... it makes me think that you started this story and aren't serious about it at all, but then again, it's my opinion as stated earlier.

I think if you want to make this story better, you should make it longer, and put more time into it, otherwise it is going to be lacking in many things.

I hope this helps!

PEACE

(keep writing)
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Age 28
Male
NY
Seen January 29th, 2014
Posted January 14th, 2014
1,290 posts
15.8 Years
(0_o) *sighs* first of all the chapters are waaaaaaay to short. Its better if you give the readers a big chunk of information. Secondly, when there is a new thought press the enter key twice. try using a spell checker also. and on more thing, only post one chapter at a time and give a day or two before posting the net chapter, nobody wants to have to read 8 chapters at a time. hope this helps
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Age 40
Male
In the merry olde land of OZ!
Seen December 14th, 2015
Posted December 14th, 2015
1,655 posts
17.4 Years
Chapter(s) Waaaayy...too short. It you could expand more on them, I suspect this would be an interesting story.
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