Cedrik's Poems Palace

Started by Vavavoom ♣ September 2nd, 2007 4:01 PM
  • 1044 views
  • 6 replies
Seen November 10th, 2007
Posted October 30th, 2007
2,217 posts
16.9 Years
Hi there,

I finally decided to post one of my poems, on the forum. I made that poem when I was in 8th grade, in my English Class.

The meeting in water

From the salty water of the Atlantic,
To the sweet water of the Pacific,
I keep on seeing a boat,
A boat that's fallen' from the sky.
I ask " Boat, is it time for me to go? ",
The boat answer " Yes, dear child. "...

I take off my clothes,
The boat touches me with it's deck,
It grabs my body,
And throw me away,
Deep in the ocean's fathoms,
Where I'll meet the other phantoms...


I personally think it's quite good, compared to other stuff that I made before. Please give me good and understandable feedback.

Thanks. :3


I left this community.

Soeur: Midori-Chi Soeur: Virtual Headache
Connaissance: mewthreew/armor
Age 26
Female
*shoots self*
Seen December 11th, 2010
Posted September 18th, 2010
867 posts
15.9 Years
(Hopefully you will be able to understad this, you never know....)

Okay, than, lets start here: I like the new concept (it's new to me) and I did like how you picked your words. (*has absoloutely no poetry writing talent* <~ Me)

Though a few times (only two, whatever) you would be better off with an s at the end of the word. I think. Yes, I suck at reveiwing.

Over all, I would like to see more of your poems, if you really don't mind.

Dress up in your best / So I can be proud of you
Age 31
Male
Santa Isabel, Mexico
Seen July 7th, 2018
Posted February 2nd, 2016
4,000 posts
18.9 Years
Rhythm/Meter: Frankly, it's uneven, at least on the first two verses.
Diction: I like the choice of words, really. It's quite easy to read.
Descriptions: Well, you could employ deeper decriptions on it. Imagery would certainly gain a lot of strength if you did. Either way, it's fine.
Grammar/Spelling:

And throw me away
*throws

The boat touches me with it's deck,
*its

"It's", with the apostrophe, connotes "It is" or "It has" and that way it wouldn't make much sense.

A boat that's fallen' from the sky.
Okay, I'm not getting this. Do you mean "A boat that has fallen" or "A boat that is falling"? The apostrophe on "fallen'" confuses me.

The boat answer " Yes, dear child. "...
*answers

Also, just curious:

From the salty water of the Atlantic,
To the sweet water of the Pacific,
This might be a minor detail, but the Pacific Ocean's water is not sweet. Actually, the Atlantic Ocean's water is way sweeter, because of the great Amazon river.


Also, Manaphy1128, going "OMG YOU SUCK" on things is not my job, though, through time, and judging by your posts, it's apparently yours. This is constructive criticism.
虎穴に入らずんば虎子を得ず
Seen November 10th, 2007
Posted October 30th, 2007
2,217 posts
16.9 Years
Rhythm/Meter: Frankly, it's uneven, at least on the first two verses.
Diction: I like the choice of words, really. It's quite easy to read.
Descriptions: Well, you could employ deeper decriptions on it. Imagery would certainly gain a lot of strength if you did. Either way, it's fine.
Grammar/Spelling:

*throws

*its

"It's", with the apostrophe, connotes "It is" or "It has" and that way it wouldn't make much sense.

Okay, I'm not getting this. Do you mean "A boat that has fallen" or "A boat that is falling"? The apostrophe on "fallen'" confuses me.

Also, Manaphy1128, going "OMG YOU SUCK" on things is not my job, though, through time, and judging by your posts, it's apparently yours. This is constructive criticism.
Okay. -calms down-

This might be a minor detail, but the Pacific Ocean's water is not sweet. Actually, the Atlantic Ocean's water is way sweeter, because of the great Amazon river.
So?... Who actually cares? I was wrong, okay. But it's not like if I'm going to change that just because it's different from the reality. Anyway, you may close the thread, now. I don't want the others to post here, anymore.


I left this community.

Soeur: Midori-Chi Soeur: Virtual Headache
Connaissance: mewthreew/armor
Age 31
Male
Santa Isabel, Mexico
Seen July 7th, 2018
Posted February 2nd, 2016
4,000 posts
18.9 Years
I was just pointing that out. It's important to keep things coherent or you might confuse people, sometimes even when writing Fantasy.

I guess you still bear a prejudice against me, and I regret that, I was just providing you with my unbiased critique. I didn't ask you to change anything, either. ^^

Did you take it as an offense, or as me attacking you? Hah.

Oh, and do you actually want me to close the thread? o.ó

I don't really care about sarcasm, so yeah, I might actually do it if you ask me.
虎穴に入らずんば虎子を得ず
Seen November 10th, 2007
Posted October 30th, 2007
2,217 posts
16.9 Years
Do you think that your edits will have an effect on me?... Not at all, for your information. And as I said " Anyway, you may close the thread, now. I don't want the others to post here, anymore. ".

I hope you'll have fun locking my thread, Careful With That Axe, Pichu. :3


I left this community.

Soeur: Midori-Chi Soeur: Virtual Headache
Connaissance: mewthreew/armor
Age 31
Male
Santa Isabel, Mexico
Seen July 7th, 2018
Posted February 2nd, 2016
4,000 posts
18.9 Years
I hope you'll have fun locking my thread, Careful With That Axe, Pichu. :3
Not really, there is no fun in locking a good poem, even with your arrogant responses...

locked by request
虎穴に入らずんば虎子を得ず