Biohazard (PG-10)

Started by Incinermyn October 1st, 2007 3:47 AM
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  • 18 replies

Incinermyn

The Abomination Lives!!!

Age 37
Male
Wisconsin, USA
Seen July 29th, 2018
Posted May 21st, 2016
646 posts
15.8 Years
Table of Contents

Prologue: Remnants
Chapter One: Friends?
Chapter Two: R & R

Fakemon So Far

Skunanne the Spoiled Pokemon-Dark/Psychic
Oposease the Feign Pokemon-Normal
Skunter the Huntsman Pokemon-Dark/Psychic
Metalupus the Chivalry Pokemon-Normal/Steel

Rating: PG-10 for occasional mild language, brief scenes of violence, and some dark themes.

Disclaimer and Author’s Notes: I do not own Pokémon or Pokémon Mystery Dungeon. I’ve written this piece because I was bored and had an idea for a story that could take place in the PMD world. Granted, some locations from the game may (or may not) have been modified and some of my own have been added to better suit the time setting, theme, and plot of my fanfic. Also, this piece contains a couple fake Pokémon and other things that I have made up (it is fiction after all and these do have some significance in this fanfic). Finally, it’d be nice if I got some constructive criticism since this is one of my first fanfics.

______________________________________________________________________________

Prologue: Remnants

Canersia the Ascetic’s Prophecy

Such foolishness unparalleled since the age of Man.
The meteor should have brought us death,
But its destruction shall only bring changes.
In ten years time, this world shall transmute,
Becoming inhospitable to the indigenous organisms,
Turning suitable for the savages that thrived in eras past.

But the worst this certainly is not…

A second threat shall emerge.
A monster that Man’s sciences created.
A demon so deathly atrocious it was christened Biohazard.

And with it, life shall be razed in a way most heinous…

______________________________________________________________________________

Within the decrepit ruins of a human facility, three creatures walked. A team comprised of a Charizard, an Alakazam, and a Tyranitar explored the laboratory’s remains.

The flame on Charizard’s tail was the only source of light for the three investigators.

The corridor they walked through was decaying. Occasional holes in the walls revealed wiring that connected the outlets, switches, and lighting fixtures. Shattered glass from the aged fluorescent bulbs that once lit the building littered the yellowed tiles.

As they passed, Tyranitar glanced at the doorways on each side. The rusty hinges gave out years ago so the wood doors were lying on the floor inside the rooms.

“I can’t believe this place sat for years without anyone checking it out,” he said to the other two just ahead of him.

“You do realize that this facility was discovered just a few days ago, correct, Tyranitar?” Alakazam, who was in front of him and Charizard, replied, “Regardless, no one else may come here until we’re done.”

They continued in silence for a few moments until arriving at a fork in the hall. Both paths were coated by ooze with alternating lime and black stripes on its surface.

“Hey, what is that?” Tyranitar asked as he and Charizard walked up to Alakazam’s sides; him on the right, Charizard on the left.

“It’s some kind of amoebic colony. I’ll clear the paths with Psychic,” the humanoid creature responded, eyes starting to glow a light blue.

The sludge shifted slightly, but retook its position almost immediately.

“What’s wrong?” Tyranitar barked.

“It’s forcing me to focus on only a few cells at a time. I can’t move it,” Alakazam replied, causing his eyes to return to normal.

“Blood…” a faint voice behind the three spoke.

Two rows of fangs suddenly lunged from the shadows, grabbing Charizard around the neck. After securing its prey, the monster forcefully yanked him backwards.

Tyranitar and Alakazam immediately looked back to see the creature as it wrapped its long body around their teammate.

“Get off!” the dragon barked, trying to tear the snakelike beast’s hide. But, his claws wouldn’t dig into the creature’s elastic flesh.

“GY-YE!” his assailant shrieked as Alakazam used Psychic to gain control of it and release him.

Once free, Charizard stood and moved away from the slender fiend with alternating lime and black rings running down the course of its body that was now suspended helpless in midair.

“What the hell is this thing?” Charizard asked, feeling his neck where the monster’s gaping elliptical jaws had clamped.

“A parasite… Its brain is underdeveloped, so it lives solely by its instinct to feed,” Alakazam replied.

“GY-YE!” the leech screamed, “None shall attack the progeny!”

Something behind the group gave an earsplitting yelp. Before they could even turn around, each team member was stabbed in the back of his neck. Their bodies fell to the floor, as did the parasite.

“Pity… You would’ve been my only meal…” the monster said, tilting its head to reveal a pair of red oval eyes with slits at their centers to glower at Charizard, “But…now…”

It turned and slithered back into the shadows from where it came.

End Prologue

_____________________


That's it for now. I'm almost done with Chapter One: Friends?, but there are a couple things I'm trying to refine before I post it. It shouldn't be too long before I do, though.
Age 31
South Texas
Seen August 16th, 2010
Posted September 5th, 2008
350 posts
16.9 Years
As one of your firsts, I'd have to say that I am rather impressed. When I read the first four paragraphs of the prologue, I actually felt as if it was possible to read those exact words from a book, and I wouldn't think anything of it. I surely wouldn't think "oh this is amature writing" or something to that effect. This is done intellegently, and the writing is really quality is really great. As you finished it off with the last paragraphs, I still felt the mood that I could possibly be reading this right out of a book.

It is a good start, and if anyone was to be out of character, it might be Charizard (only for the fact that he said a swear word). Either way, the rest of how you molded the three at this point was pretty close to character.

This is great; I really want to see what happens next.
I'm BACK! >:]

Incinermyn

The Abomination Lives!!!

Age 37
Male
Wisconsin, USA
Seen July 29th, 2018
Posted May 21st, 2016
646 posts
15.8 Years
Thanks, Random Fan. Really, I was kind of hoping someone would say that this actually sounded intelligently done because I did take my time while writing this. Granted, Charizard was a little out of character like you said, with the swear word, but through most of this I'm trying to stay as close to how they would really react in these given situations.

I'll try and finish chapter one sometime in the next day or so and post it... Some parts seem kind of weak towards it's end though... But then, I may just be worrying over nothing...

Anyways, I appreciate the praise. Thanks again!

Incinermyn

The Abomination Lives!!!

Age 37
Male
Wisconsin, USA
Seen July 29th, 2018
Posted May 21st, 2016
646 posts
15.8 Years
Nice to hear that from you, Griff! The next chapter though... To me, it starts alright, but it seems to wind down a little as it gets near the end. Might be better than I think though. I was a little worried about the prologue and that it wasn't good enough, but I was clearly wrong. Yeah, if I sound like a perfectionist, I kind of am.

Alter Ego

that evil mod from hell

Age 35
Touhou land, grazing danmaku all the way
Seen August 8th, 2010
Posted June 4th, 2010
5,751 posts
17.9 Years
Alright, this is going to be a bit more critically inclined than the feedback you've gotten thus far, so consider this your heads up.

Now first off, I have to concur that you've obviously put some thought into this, evidence of which being the most commendably scrupulous lack of grammatical errors and typos. However, there still seems to be something missing. How to say...I'm reading your writing but I'm not feeling it. For me, the most important part of a prologue is the mood. In this case, I'd be expecting apprehension, sort of a slowly building dread, if you will. Like what I feel when I'm watching an episode of Higurashi no Naku Koro Ni (Most freakin' awesome horror anime ever <3), but no matter how I try I just can't manage to get into that mood. :\ I think the main reason here is that the pace is a bit too fast. You've got very short and concise paragraphs which, while they do relate the information, aren't right for the kind of 'HOMG I think there's something out there' sensation that I'd like to have gotten here. Really, take your time not just with the formulations but within the narrative itself, try to relate the atmosphere of the place a bit more in-depth. As it is, you're relating the events so...plainly and matter of factly. Now if you made it clear that this was narrated from say...Alakazam's point of view, that would make perfect sense, but in this case I'd have preferred less emphasis on the visual aspects (Of which, arguably, there shouldn't be very much information anyway since they can only see thanks to Charizard's tail flame) and more on the sounds and scents, the feel of that old floor they're walking on. What about temperature and humidity? These are all experienced dungeon crawlers too, so how come no-one's danger sense is tingling? Stuff like that. I'd also like a bit more visual info on the rescue team than a species list. :3

Also, two bits that stuck out:

The flame on Charizard’s tail was the only source of light for the three investigators.
This is very, VERY bare information content for being a paragraph of its own. One-sentence paragraphs can be used, yes, but typically it's to emphasize a central point or add an ironic touch to the paragraph. I'm using part of my own RP post as an example, not for self-promotion purposes but because I'm too lazy to dig up a better one:

"I heard that, Smith!" she announced in her usual lethally sweet voice, "And don't you know that it's rude to keep a lady waiting? If you do not cease your inane drabbling with the peasantry and get into the cab right this instant, I shall be forced to come over and slap some sense into you again." she gave a slightly over-dramatic sigh, fanning her face with one hand, "Oh the toils I have to endure in this uncivilized backwater...and to be stuck in this cramped, stuffy car too. What indignity."

The cab driver and the four suits crammed into the backseat very prudently held their collective tongues at this statement.
See what I mean? (And please do excuse the somewhat sucky example) Using the somewhat insulting theory of funniness, the one-line paragraph is usually the zing or punchline of the previous paragraph, placed on its own for additional emphasis. In this case, however, the content of the paragraph is just a neutral piece of information without any particular significance so I'd suggest merging it with the next paragraph, especially since that paragraph is describing what the tail flame allows them to see.

Once free, Charizard stood and moved away from the slender fiend with alternating lime and black rings running down the course of its body that was now suspended helpless in midair.
Okay, now describing the beast is all well and good, but I can't say I agree with you on the timing. I mean, Charizard has just been broken free and both sides are preparing to engage in violent battle; is this really the best time to start admiring its alternating lime and black rings? o.O Personally, I would have considered the point where it wrapped around Charizard to be a more natural choice for this bit since the bit of extra time you take to describe the creature's features is - at least in my mind - lengthening the mental image of what's currently going on, which - if you changed it - would be prolonging the slow, choking process. Erm...hope that was a bit clearer than mud? xD


How to say, it's good but I wouldn't go as far as to say awesome. There are too many places where I was expecting to find description but didn't and some where I didn't want as much description but got it anyway. (The part with the rings being the prime example of this) Some of your word choices are also a bit anti-climatic (Such as using the word 'turned' for that dramatic moment when Charizard is being dragged away instead of a more dynamic expression like 'whipped/world around', things like that) Small things, but they make a big impact.

Still, this is only a prologue so I'll be checking back for the opening chapter to see how you handle it. And make no mistake, your writing is a lot better than most of the stuff I've reviewed. Keep at it, m'kay? :3
Featured Theme: Patchouli Knowledge (Touhou Project)
Provided by and jointed with: Phani
Best viewed together, profile customization still in progress



Scandalous Maido Love Affair and Pair: Phani
Estranged Ex: The RP Section Rules
Sworn Rival For All Eternity and about five minutes beyond: Chibi
Illegitimate Lovechild: Mika
Card-gaming Beta on a Leash: Scarlet

Seen August 3rd, 2010
Posted May 26th, 2008
375 posts
15.9 Years
I hope Team ACT survives. Nice prologue.:)
JB IZ THE OVERLORD!

Here's the link to my PMD fanfic!

http://www.pokecommunity.com/showthread.php?t=97759

...and its short story spin-off!

http://www.pokecommunity.com/showthread.php?t=107847
And...the sequel's beginning!
http://www.pokecommunity.com/showthread.php?p=3435238#post3435238




Name: Baby Charmander
Adopt one yourself! @Pokémon Orphanage

Incinermyn

The Abomination Lives!!!

Age 37
Male
Wisconsin, USA
Seen July 29th, 2018
Posted May 21st, 2016
646 posts
15.8 Years
Thanks for the thorough review, Alter Ego. Actually, you're right, I should've concentrated on building the mood a little better than I did. I was gonna post chapter one today, but now I'm gonna revise it a little better than I did. I should have it have it up tomorrow some time.

Also, good to see I got you kind of wondering if ACT's gonna be alright, jb. That's what I was really aiming for.

Either way, glad to see you both thought it was good. Granted, my inexperience in writing for an actual audience kinda showed.

txteclipse

The Last

Age 32
Riverside
Seen March 23rd, 2023
Posted November 2nd, 2016
2,322 posts
15.7 Years
Good. Are the attackers fakemon, by any chance? I can't for the life of me recall a fanged pokemon with black and green stripes. I have a hunch about the black one however...

Also, your description of the "evil created by scientists" sounds like the Bydo from the R-Type series. Not that this is a bad thing: I like me some mutant creeps. It's probably just a coincidence, but I felt like pointing it out.

Incinermyn

The Abomination Lives!!!

Age 37
Male
Wisconsin, USA
Seen July 29th, 2018
Posted May 21st, 2016
646 posts
15.8 Years
^Yeah, they're both fakemon of mine...and mutants too, but they're actually ones I came up with on my own, in part out of my interest in biology...but mostly out of boredom. I'm not familiar with the R-type series, so if there's some similarity, it's just coincidence.

Incinermyn

The Abomination Lives!!!

Age 37
Male
Wisconsin, USA
Seen July 29th, 2018
Posted May 21st, 2016
646 posts
15.8 Years
2nd Author’s Note: Sorry for the delay, but I decided to spend a little more time on this chapter. Also, while writing this one, I used a little educated guessing to try and figure some non-battling abilities of preexisting Pokémon based on the physical traits of the creatures. And, I don’t mean I have them doing a bunch of things that could never possibly be true for them as opposed to having some actions being what seemed like it should be common sense stuff. Example: Weavile having super-sharp claws and what (to me) looked like a limber form, I figured that it would be able to dig into bark and climb trees with ease.
____________________________________________________________________________

Chapter One: Friends?


The setting sun caused the sky to turn dark blue. Stars appeared as the heavens transitioned to night, and a silvery full moon took its position over the timberland below.

Shadows of twilight took hold beneath a canopy formed by the miscellaneous treetops of maples, birches, oaks, and the occasional pine over the forest floor. Leaves and needles underneath the surface cover became dark in the low lighting, becoming little more than dim forms attached to hanging branches.

Cool air started to fill the nocturnal woods. A lack of wind this evening made the atmosphere pleasant rather than chilling.

Where tree cover was absent, moonlight illuminated the verdant forest floor. And, within one moonlit grove, a lonely night critter ambled forth from the darkness in its northernmost section.

This solitary 3’ 3” tall biped’s pelt was pitch-black. Her silky fur caused the creature to appear as if she were the silhouette of some child walking across the grass in the clearing.

The mammal’s maw protruded from her face slightly beneath the pair of shimmering sapphire orb that served as her eyes. Behind each of the eyes a thin white stripe crept up her forehead before disappearing under the black hair on top her brow.

Her locks were combed back between a pair semi-ellipse ears that stuck upward on each side of head. The tresses were braided into three long strands of hair that dangled halfway down her back.

As the skunk made her way into the area, the moonbeams from above revealed the two stripes that cascaded down the center of her back to the beginning of her tail. The parallel streaks consisted of diagonal lines. The inch long slants started near the area of the mammal’s spine and sank slightly as they reached for her sides.

Her tail curled upwards from where the back’s stripes ended and bent slightly backwards as it reached the creature’s shoulder height. A thick solid stripe replaced the others at its base and went up the tail until fanning out at the bend near the top.

Scanning the limits of the circular area as she reached its center, Skunanne made sure she was completely alone. From what she saw, not a soul was in the trees or on the ground surrounding the grove.

“No one’s around… Just the way I need it…” she uttered, a tender tone in her voice, as she took off the bag slung over her right shoulder.

The pouch was made from large leaves that were sown together to make it and had a vine attached for a shoulder strap. Her satchel dropped to the grassy area before her after she released it. She knelt over and opened its flap with her three-toed forepaws.

Inside it were three small flasks filled with red liquid, a couple Pamtre berries, and a folded sheet of paper. Skunanne poked a berry so that it was stuck to one of the small, slightly curved, white cone-shaped claws at the end of her toes and pulled it out of the sack.

“Dad said that Mom used to eat these every night…” she said under her breath and then glanced back down into the bag, “And drink that juice before practicing her song here…”

She immediately stuck the berry in her mouth. As soon as it was in, she chewed it a couple times and then swallowed.

“Bleh!” she gagged, eyes squinted and mouth open.

She grabbed one of the bottles’ necks between her toes. Immediately, she popped its cork and then guzzled the fluid. The beverage’s sweet, slightly tangy flavor quickly flushed away the considerably dry/somewhat sweet taste the berry left in her mouth.

Finishing the decanter’s contents, she picked up the cork off the ground to her left and plugged the jug again. After which, Skunanne licked the fur around her mouth, savoring the juice’s flavor.

She dropped the bottle back in her sack and took the folded note out. Flipping the paper open, eight lines of lyrics and a side note below a bold title that read ‘Forest Maiden’s Serenade’ were revealed.

Love once lost we again shall be together.
My gentle voice will allow you to weather
Any force that dare drive against our desire.
This lasting song shall re-ignite love’s dimmed fire
In your heart by removing the pain that consumed it.
Your flame is stronger than those of the pit
Where the demons that suppressed it reside.
I know that you are longing to be at my side.

Note: Repetition of the lyrics, perfect timing, exceptional pitch, and a glossy coat are all necessary for the song’s enticing effect to occur.


If she could master the verse, Skunanne would be able carry on her deceased mother’s legacy as the Forest Maiden, a legendary siren whose beauty was unrivaled. Attaining this status would also ensure her popularity among all other creatures.

Skunanne cleared her voice. Then, she held the page before her.

“Love once lost…” she shrieked in a voice that pierced the still evening air.

She closed her mouth. The shrill echoes carried throughout the forest, startling her.

Her right ear twitched. Somewhere in the forest, she was able to hear the fluttering wings of bird Pokémon taking flight, no doubt scared by her cry. After a few seconds, the flapping ended.

Dropping the piece of paper back into her bag, Skunanne turned back to where she entered the area, right ear twitching again. Something was coming…and it had partners… She was just able to hear their light footsteps.

“Let’s see…” Skunanne mumbled, grabbing her satchel.

She quickly looked at the trees surrounding the grove. Her eye caught a tall maple at the clearing’s southwest boundary. The tree also had numerous high hanging branches, making for a good hiding spot.

Skunanne made a quick dash over to it with her bag slung over her shoulder again. Reaching the tree’s trunk in seconds, she immediately dug the claws on her forepaws into the tree’s bark and pulled her body off the ground enough to get a grip with the ones on her hind legs’ paws. Quickly, she was able to scale the maple until she reached a branch about twenty feet off the ground.

“She’s close…” she heard a strict voice whisper.

Skunanne sat on the limb silently and watched as a canine came from the north side of the grove with his brownish-red muzzle to the ground sniffing. The otherwise black hound had thick gray horns that curled behind his head from where his ears should’ve been as well as a circular bone collar around his neck. The strap of a small cooler-like container he was carrying was slung over the beast’s torso so that it rested at a slant from his right shoulder across his back.

Stopping in the exact area she was before, Skunanne was able to see the series of three crescent bones that ran down the beast’s backside before his slim tail that had a triangular spike at the end. She also noticed that the bones each had three thin cuts in the same areas near their midsections.

Lifting his head, the 4’ 7” tall creature’s eyes glared directly at her for a long moment. He couldn’t see anything but shadows; Skunanne’s pelt concealed her perfectly. However, the beast knew that she was there…somewhere.

“Get over here, now!” he barked, turning his head back to where he came from.

“Jeez, what’s your problem? It’s not like she’s gotten that far,” a moderate, slightly sharp voice replied.

“She’s probably dead. I mean, this forest isn’t exactly kind to its night visitors, Houndoom,” a feminine one added, “Who knows what kind of freak’s gotten to her?”

Two more creatures then crept into the grove. One was a black 3’ 7” gremlin-like monster with a wide red frill that rested atop his five-pointed crown as well as a pair of long red ears that kind of dangled at the sides of his head. The demon had his scrawny arms with white rake-like claws for hands crossed behind his head.

He had a red collar around his neck that shifted slightly as he walked up to Houndoom with a smirk, which revealed a few of his fangs. Several featherlike appendages that served as the fiend’s tails also moved a little as he walked.

“Why the hell did she come here to begin with?” Weavile asked as he and the lioness to his left approached.

“Skunanne doesn’t have any friends back in Pokémon Square. My thoughts are that she’s found a mate and came out her to be with him,” she replied.

The four-and-a-half foot tall catlike Pokémon had a spiky black mane that covered the upper portion and backside of her head. There was a patch of blue fur covering the areas surrounding her mouth and underneath her yellow eyes.

The black part of her pelt continued around the back of her blue circular ears and dropped down her neck to the torso, where it continued to cover the front half of her forelegs and the entirety of her forepaws. On the backsides of each foreleg was an area with alternating horizontal blue and gold stripes.

Part of feline’s abdomen was covered in the same blue pelt that covered her mouth and hind legs. That then gave way to another patch of spiked black hair that covered her hips and tail, which had a four-point yellow spur at its tip.

“What is it, Houndoom?” Luxray asked as she and Weavile flanked their boss.

“She’s gone into the trees,” he replied and then turned to Weavile on his right.

Opening his left eye and revealing a white area with a reddish iris, Weavile uttered, “I’m going.”

He dropped his arms to his sides as he headed over to the tree Skunanne scaled a moment before. In a fashion similar to hers, the fiend quickly clawed his way up the maple while the other two watched. During his ascent, Luxray caused her eyes to gleam a golden color.

“Weavile! Look out!” she then shouted.

“What’s wrong?” he barked, grabbing for Skunanne’s branch. Pulling himself up, Weavile’s face made contact with something furry.

“You seriously chose the wrong end to be on, Weavile…” Skunanne giggled, turning her head so he could see the eerie glow of her sapphire eyes.

“Skunanne, wait! We just came here to take you back to town!” he screamed.

“Tough! I just came out here to be alone,” she snickered, “Hope you like Pepper Spray!”

Even though the attribute was somewhat lessened in her kind, Skunanne still had the ability to spray a couple types of secretion at will. But, she should’ve just run when she had a chance…

A powerful blast blew Weavile back to the ground with enough force to leave a small crater near the base of the tree where he landed and a fiery-hot liquid splattered on his body. At the other end of the detonation, Skunanne was launched into the night sky.

The attack she meant to use was supposed spray an eye irritant in Weavile’s face. However, she unknowingly unleashed a move called Vile Musk that causes a powerful discharge of superheated spray, which is why her relatively light form was sent flying.

Screaming at an earsplitting pitch, she rose over the forest in a moderate arc. The flock of Pidgey that her previous shriek woke up and startled flew past as she then fell back into the woodlands.

As she descended back to earth, the flap of Skunanne’s satchel opened. All of its contents were dumping, the remaining berries, bottles of juice, and the lyrics to her mother’s song into the woods.

Skunanne finally crash-landed on a trail near the forest’s southwestern fringe. She had eluded the group that had been following her. However, her crash had attracted the attention of a creature hanging on a birch’s branch that extended over the long forest path that reached from north to south.

The scrawny mammal released its long vertebrae-formed tail’s grip on the limb, dropping to the ground. Once down on the path, the 1’ 10” critter rolled off of its back and stood upright.

The pale brown Pokémon started to amble towards Skunanne on a thin pair of legs that were connected to an area where the skin was so tight to the bone that its pelvis was visible. Above its thin abdomen, the creature’s ribcage protruded away from the rest of its body. A pair of wiry arms and its tail waved from side to side as it approached Skunanne a few feet away.

“Are you okay?” it spoke in a faint voice.

“Guess I don’t know my own strength…” she mumbled.

Skunanne pushed herself up off of the ground near another creature she landed by. Dusting herself off, she took a second to try and get her bearings.

“I’m all the way on the other side of the forest?” she said to herself.

Turning back and looking down slight, she finally spotted the scrawny thing that just spoke to her. Staring at it blankly, she saw that the critter had a narrow elongated snout that had two consecutive teeth on the sides of each jaw as well as a lower jaw broken and dangling halfway out. Seeing a pair of large white eyes with small black dots for irises positioned just above its chops caused her to shiver violently.

“I’m Oposease. Nice to meet you,” he uttered, lower jaw moving only slightly.

Oposease twitched the left of the large trapezoidal ears that stuck out the top of his head. Skunanne noticed that his right ear had a bite taken out of its top.

“What’s your name?” Oposease asked, inching closer to her.

“Get back!” she yipped cringing.

“Hey! I was just asking,” he replied, sticking his right forepaw out and slightly upward. His toes were somewhat long and had black claws that were a little lengthy too.

Skunanne sniffed a few times. He reeked of decay!

“I’m Skunanne… Tell me something. Are you even…alive?” she uttered, reluctantly extending her paw towards him.

“What do you mean by that? Of course, I’m alive!” he said, raising his meager voice somewhat as they both shook, “So, what part of the forest are you from?”

“Uh… The far eastern…” They stopped shaking.

“A lot of diurnal Pokémon live in a town near that part. That guy there probably does, too,” Oposease said, pointing at the sleeping weasel Pokémon behind Skunanne.

Skunanne looked at the brown stoat that lay asleep in the dirt and grass behind her. Examining the mammal from where she was, she noted the crème coloration of his stomach and chest as well as the yellow floatation ring that encircled his neck.

There were two black marks on the creature’s cheeks that looked like whiskers on the sides of his crème mouth. Atop his crown, he had a small Mohawk-like patch of hair that stuck upwards. There were two light brown oval areas on his back positioned above his twin tails, the tips of which matched the hue of his belly.

“Buizel don’t live here… Who the heck is this guy?” she mumbled.

“They’re weird, those things that come out when the sun rises. There’s no way I’d ever go near that place. You’ve got guts living where you do,” Oposease continued.

“Hey, how long’s this Buizel been here?” she asked him.

“His name’s Buizel? How do you know that?”

“Just answer me!”

“Since I got up, around sunset.”

Skunanne bent down by Buizel. Then, she shook the half oval of a blue flipper on his right arm with her paw.

Oposease’s eyes widened and he barked, “Don’t wake him up, Skunanne! The diurnals are savages that’ll kill you in an instant!”

“Buizel? Hey, get up, Buizel,” she said.

Yawning, the ermine-like Pokémon turned onto his back and sat up. After stretching for a second, he rubbed his eyes with his paws. Blinking a lot, Buizel looked around.

“Mmm… Where am I? And… Oww! What’s with this headache?” he uttered cringing.

“He’s up!” Oposease yipped and then flopped back first onto the ground.

Skunanne gave him a weird look. She then sighed before returning her attention to Buizel.

“You all right?” she asked him as she stood.

“I think so. My headache’s starting to go away,” Buizel replied, opening his eyes again. He looked at Skunanne as he stood up by her. Only a height of 2’ 4”, he had to look up at her.

“You never answered my question. Where are we?” he then asked.

“The forest area west of Pokémon Square,” Skunanne replied, looking into his black iris, “Now, I’ve got a question for you, Buizel. How did you get here? I mean…we don’t exactly see a lot of your kind in places like this.

“I don’t know. Actually, I don’t remember anything before you woke me up. Is my name really ‘Buizel’?” he responded.

Skunanne turned her head away from him and mumbled, “Great, he’s an amnesiac…”

Buizel walked around her and over to Oposease, who was laying on the ground to Skunanne’s left. Seeing Oposease’s corpselike form a little more closely, he stepped back some.

“Jeez, what’d you do to this guy?” he then asked Skunanne, pointing at Oposease with his right paw.

“I didn’t do anything!” she barked, “Oposease, snap out of it!”

“Oh-poe…” Oposease said, “I can’t believe you woke him up.” He sat up and then stood on his scrawny legs.

“Are you even alive?” Buizel asked as Oposease got up.

The possum turned to him and said, “Why do you guys keep asking me that? Yes, I’m alive!”

“Oposease, you look, walk, and smell like some kind of zombie! It’s hard to really tell that you’re alive!” Skunanne shouted.

“Oh… Sorry… I didn’t know being different was a big issue for you, Skunanne… If you feel that way, this zombie will leave. I don’t mind. I used to being alone,” Oposease replied, turning away from the two with his head down. He then started back towards his nearby tree in a sluggish walk.

“Hey! Who do you think you are, Skunanne? There’s no need to be nasty to him,” Buizel remarked.

“No! She’s right. I look like I’m dead and, in six or seven weeks, I will be,” Oposease uttered as he headed towards the trunk of the birch tree dropped from when Skunanne, “My kind has a short lifespan, about 22 weeks. We live alone and die without anyone noticing. There’s no reason to feel sorry for me. I don’t have any friends…and making them is pointless.”

Skunanne looked down at the ground and said, “Oposease, I’m sorry.” He turned around and headed back towards the two.

“I don’t have friends around my age back home. My dad and the other grownups there are the only ones who are nice to me,” she continued.

“And me… I can’t remember anything that happened before Skunanne woke me up, so I don’t have any friends,” Buizel added. Oposease stopped before them.

“Amnesia could be a terrible burden, Buizel. And you shouldn’t be alone in a world like this. So, how about it? Care to be friends?” Oposease said, putting his right paw into the middle of the triangle the formed.

“Yeah, why not? You’re the first people I’ve met here anyways and you seem pretty nice too,” Buizel replied, placing his paw on top of Oposease’s. Both then looked at Skunanne.

“I really came out here tonight to learn a song my mom used to sing that made her one of the most popular Pokémon around here. Seeing as how my singing’s horrible…and I don’t have any real friends, sure,” Skunanne uttered and then added her paw to their pile.

“Was that your voice that shrieked earlier, Skunanne?” Oposease asked as they each took their hands off the pile.

“Yeah…” she uttered, folding her arms behind her back.

“I’ve heard worse,” he replied.

Something started to gurgle. Oposease and Buizel both grabbed the area round their stomachs.

“Whoa… I’m starving,” Buizel said.

“I was so focused on not waking Buizel that I hadn’t taken the time to eat…” Oposease commented. Both looked at the bag under Skunanne’s right arm.

“Do you have anything to eat in there?” they then asked.

“Some Pamtre berries, but you’re not gonna like the taste. Might like the fruit juice I’ve got, though,” she replied, pulling the bag in front of her. Opening the flap, Skunanne saw that it was empty.

“What happened? Where’s my song!” she then barked.

“Calm down, Skunanne!” Buizel said.

“Calm down? Those lyrics were the most precious thing my mom ever owned! Without them, her legacy’s lost!” she howled, ready to claw Buizel for his naivety.

“So, that’s why you came out here? To practice Skuntress’s song? You really shouldn’t try to hold to your mother’s reputation, Skunanne,” Luxray uttered as she came up path behind Skunanne.

“That stupid song’s caused us nothing but pain. And, after that stunt you pulled back in the grove, I outta claw your eyes out!” Weavile yipped as he jumped down from one of the trees on the eastern side of the path and landed behind Oposease and Buizel.

“Weavile! This is a rescue, not a punishment mission,” Houndoom authoritatively spoke as he walked up to the trio from the wooded area on the side of the path, “But I can’t say I blame your attitude after the nightmare we just went through to track her down a second time.” Skunanne and her friends were surrounded.

“Since I can’t take my rage out on her, I’ll take it out on these guys!” Weavile replied as he swiped at Oposease with his left hand.

Striking, the clawing attack knocked the creature off to the side. Oposease landed on his stomach a few feet from the others. Houndoom immediately opened his mouth and released burning cinders in Weavile’s face.

“AH!” the gremlin screamed, covering his scorched head. His lupine leader snorted and then turned back to Skunanne and Buizel.

Weavile cringed on the ground near where Oposease was. After a second, he looked and noticed that there was a hole in the creature’s stead.

“Enough games, Skunanne. You’re going home with us, one way or another…” Houndoom uttered.

“Hey, leave her alone!” Buizel barked.

“You’ve got guts, kid,” Houndoom replied, moving his snarling mouth close to Buizel’s face, “But do you really want to fight me?” When the dog’s maw was close enough, Buizel slapped it a couple times with his right arm.

“Double Slap,” Luxray chuckled, “What kind of wimp are you, Buizel?”

“I’d fight back, but it’d just be a waste of… YE-AH!” Houndoom barked as Skunanne scratched his face. Afterwards, she checked her claws’ tips to make sure that she didn’t ruin them.

“Why you little… OUCH!” Luxray howled as something clawed at her underbelly. The shock caused her to jump by Houndoom.

“Don’t knock down unless you know I’m out…” Oposease uttered as he climbed out of the ground where Luxray was previously standing.

“You know,” Skunanne said, “I never asked for you guys to come after me. So, you can just head back to Pokémon Square by yourselves. I’ll be fine.”

“I can’t wait to tell your father about this. Team Hellfire, move out!” Houndoom uttered. Luxray and him then started away from Skunanne and friends.

“He’ll have your hide, Skunanne! Heheh!” Weavile commented and then followed the lead of the other two.

Once the three were out of sight, Skunanne sighed. She looked at her friends, to Buizel at her left; then Oposease on her right, and frowned.

“I’m sorry about that, guys,” she then said, “My dad’s gonna be furious.”

“Hey, they were jerks! If you explain, he’ll understand,” Buizel replied.

“Did you say that they were from the diurnals’ town? And that you were, too?” Oposease asked.

“You know, it’s not that bad of place, Oposease… You should come there,” Skunanne told him.

“Maybe I’ll check it out…someday,” he mumbled.

“Anyways, I should be getting home. Like I said, Dad’s gonna be seriously ticked,” she spoke and then turned to Buizel with a small grin, “Since you don’t have anywhere else to go, Buizel, my dad might let you stay with us.”

“Really? Well, if it’s not too much trouble…” Buizel responded.

“I’ll accompany you both to the outskirts. We are friends, right?” Oposease said.

“Friends,” Skunanne uttered. With their heads held high, the three started their long walk down the path back to Pokémon Square.

After they were gone, the lyrics to Skunanne’s song drifted down from the sky. It landed gently on the ground.

The sound of shifting metal links approached the page. Then, a large paw with its pad encased in a piece of metal pressed down on it. Pulling the paper back, three razor-sharp blades that arced over creature’s toes dragging in the dirt, leaving three very thin marks.

“Friends, indeed…” a strong voice uttered.

End Chapter One

txteclipse

The Last

Age 32
Riverside
Seen March 23rd, 2023
Posted November 2nd, 2016
2,322 posts
15.7 Years
*I used a little educated guessing to try and figure some non-battling abilities of preexisting Pokémon based on the physical traits of the creatures.*

Oh so important when writing a fic. Not only does it add depth to the world, it shows off what you can do with the pokes! Just don't go too crazy, like you said (unless you're doing certain things).
Age 31
South Texas
Seen August 16th, 2010
Posted September 5th, 2008
350 posts
16.9 Years
Well, you sure do have a way with description, I'll give you that much. I take it you were trying to be funny on some of the parts. Heh, had the writing not been the way it was at the beginning, I wouldn't have felt that the comedic aspects were out of place. The fic feels like something extremely serious, so it was pretty strange for me to switch gears and imagine something funny such as being blasted into the air by a Vile Musk attack. You confused me there, but after re-reading it again, I understood it to be a joke and be in tribute to the ways of how Pokemon really is with the slap-stick humor sometimes.

Your description is very strong, and I loved just reading through the entire thing. I felt in a trance, and instead of reading this story, I was actually there at the spot and watching it. Your writing style is very admireable; heck, I'm admiring it just seeing it. I'm honestly a bit jelous. XD
I'm BACK! >:]

Incinermyn

The Abomination Lives!!!

Age 37
Male
Wisconsin, USA
Seen July 29th, 2018
Posted May 21st, 2016
646 posts
15.8 Years
Good to hear you liked the first chapter. I was kind of wondering if anyone would get the comic stuff I had in there. I thought it might take a good read to really understand it, but I'm still glad to hear it wasn't something that made you think 'why is this part even in here?'

I should have Chapter Two up sometime later this week.

Incinermyn

The Abomination Lives!!!

Age 37
Male
Wisconsin, USA
Seen July 29th, 2018
Posted May 21st, 2016
646 posts
15.8 Years
Apparently there was some kind of outage last week, so again sorry for the delay. Anyways, here's Chapter Two.

__________________________________________

Chapter Two: R & R (Recollections and Rescues
)


Walking down the hallway, the guy’s steps on the white tile floor were drowned out by the conversations of other students that passed him by. Hazel eyes focused solely on the fork at the end of the tunnel with tan walls at its sides, he was completely oblivious to the occasional ‘hello’ or ‘good morning’ that a few of the others offered him as he walked by them.

As he approached the split in the corridor, a woman dressed in a white lab coat appeared from the door between the corridor’s divisions. Her azure eyes glared at him as he came closer.

“It’s about time… What happened?” she barked as he stopped before her.

“Sorry… I had car trouble…” he murmured.

“Humph… I guess it can’t be helped,” she replied as she headed down the passage to the guy’s right, “Regardless… As I told you yesterday, the subjects have showed some signs of development in the past few weeks. Doxi Alpha seems to be transforming into a symbiote, while Doxi Beta and Doxi Gamma...” He followed her, nodding.

_____________________________________________________________________________

Sunlight beamed in through an opening that served as a window above Buizel’s bed. Turning upward in the nest made of green leaves, the beams glared into his eyes, causing them to twitch and then open wide.

“Weird dream…” Buizel uttered, the bizarre sequence still fresh in his mind.

“Doxi? What’s a Doxi? And there were three of them…? Alpha, Beta, and Gamma…? It doesn’t make any sense,” he thought, closing his eyes for a long moment as he sat up.

“Who am I?” he mumbled to himself as he hunched over, placing his arms on his nearly white stomach.

Feeling the fur on his abdomen with his paws, a weird impression began to spawn within his mind. Something was wrong with this form, but he just couldn’t figure what it was.

“What don’t you understand, Skunanne?” a moderate voice said.

“A lot of other rescue teams have been reporting lately that their clients were brutally beaten to death by the time they arrived. I was so worried that I had both Houndoom’s team and mine after you. And all you went out to do was try and learn your mom’s Siren Song move. You could’ve ended up dead like the others if you and your friends didn’t leave when you did,” it continued.

“Whatever, Dad…” Skunanne’s voice replied.

Buizel opened his eyes again and turned his head to the right. From the other side of the domelike hut constructed of large sticks bound together with twine, Skunanne approached Buizel with her bag slung under her left arm.

She stopped at his side and dropped the sack on the grassy floor before him. Afterwards, she knelt down next to Buizel. Her furry black mouth started to turn into a grin that revealed her upper canine teeth.

“Hungry?” she asked him in an affectionate tone. She then opened the flaps of her pouch to reveal numerous Pecha berries.

Buizel turned the rest of his body towards her. He then looked down to pick out a Pecha berry and then returned his stare back at her. Skunanne moved her face closer to Buizel’s when he looked back up.

“I know that look… That’s the same one her mother gave me whenever she wanted something…” the moderate voice said off to Buizel’s right.

The twosome turned in that direction. Buizel’s nose then made contact with the muzzle of a second black-furred creature that was crouched by him. A pair of emerald eyes with black pits at their centers glared straight into his.

“The next thing she used to do was sing her Siren Song, but you lost the lyrics in the woods last night,” the creature continued.

Buizel’s eyes started to go upward from the beast’s eyes and focus on the single stripes behind each that crept up its forehead until disappearing under the dreadlocks on top.

“Look me in the eye when I’m talking!” the Pokémon barked in a more authoritative tone. It then stood up and towered over Buizel at a height of 6’.

“Dad…” Skunanne whined.

Her father turned his eyes to her for a second. Then, he returned his glare to Buizel, who dropped his berry on the bed.

Deeply intimidated by the limber manlike form that stood before him, Buizel couldn’t break eye contact until the beast grabbed the part of his trunk under his arms with its left hand that was shaped similar to a human’s and started to lift him. The shock of being raised caused him to instinctively struggle.

“Calm down. I’m not going to hurt you,” the creature spoke as he raised Buizel to eye level.

Opening his eyes again, Buizel saw the half oval ears on each side of the creature’s unorganized hair twists. Skunanne’s father twitched his right ear and then squinted a little.

After sniffing a few times, he then spoke, “You don’t have the same scent that most Buizel have.”

“Huh?” Buizel uttered, a puzzled look on his face. The beast’s ears folded back and he started to growl.

“My name is Skunter. I’m the leader of the rescue team Sirocco,” Skunter said, “Before you get the wrong idea, you two are just friends. Got that?”

Buizel nodded, the floatation ring around his neck bobbing up and down wildly. Skunter slowly returned Buizel to his and then poked the wooden staff in his right hand near the kid’s face, growling. The guy fell backwards, tripping on his twin tails.

Skunter then turned from the two and walked away. A pair of dual stripes in the unkempt fur on his back that rivaled Skunanne’s became apparent as he turned to leave the twosome.

Buizel sat back up and looked at the huntsman skunk as he headed out of the shelter. He was able to see that there were a lot of small dangling braids around the back of Skunter’s head above the black bushy tail that peaked near his shoulder area.

Walking out through the arch-like entrance, Skunter mumbled, “Maybe you’ll be able to keep her out of trouble from now on, kid…” He finally left the shack.

Looking down at his feet, Buizel picked up the Pecha berry he dropped on the leaves that made his bed. Afterwards, he gently wiped it off on his fur.

Putting it in his mouth and then chewing, Skunanne started giggling. Looking at her, Buizel noticed she placed her right paw on her lips.

After he swallowed, the stoat uttered, “Uh… Skunanne?”

“What? Don’t you like Pecha berries?” she asked, crossing her forelegs.

“No… It’s not that,” he continued, “I was just wondering why you’re being so nice around me. I mean you were pretty nasty to Team Hellfire last night. And now, you’re giggly and happy… Also, the stuff your dad said when you guys came in. What’s that all about?” She turned her head up towards the ceiling.

“Those guys were just jerks. They deserved what they got last night, even though it was just a couple scratches,” she then responded, “And that stuff my dad was just talking about. They’re just rumors that have been going around about how a lot of rescue teams are failing their missions. Really, I think the other teams just couldn’t take the pressure and just gave up.”

“What about your attitude, though?”

“Dad said it himself. I want you to do something for me,” she said, standing, “We’re going back to the forest today to try and find my mom’s lyrics. So, eat!”

Skunanne then started to move over to a hammock off to the left of Buizel’s bed. The netlike bed was made of vines. It hung down from two attachments on the hut’s ceiling and was suspended over a foot off of the ground.

Getting into it so that her belly faced downward, Skunanne turned her head so that she was facing Buizel. The long braids of black hair on the right and left sides of her head dropped downward between parts of the hammock’s webbing and almost touched the grass on the floor.

“Skunanne, what’s the deal with your mom’s song?” Buizel asked as he ate another berry. Her eyes widened somewhat.

She then sighed and replied, “My mom died several years ago, when I was still pretty young. I hardly knew her.”

“Oh… I’m sorry.”

“It’s alright. My dad told me stories about what she was like and said that her Siren Song was what made her popular,” she continued, “I told you that I don’t have any friends around Pokémon Square, right? So, I thought that if I could learn that song, I’d become popular, too. That’s why I left for the forest last night without telling my dad. But, my pride kinda got the better of me when I sprayed Weavile and was blown away from where I wanted to practice.”

“So, you just came upon me by chance?”

“It turned out for the better, didn’t it? Now, eat!”

Buizel continued eating. Skunanne continued to stare at him.

After a few moments, he said, “Hey… There’s something I should talk to you about. I had a weird dream last night, Skunanne.” The skunk lass lifted her head off of the hammock.

“I was walking down this hall and passing these weird creatures that kind of looked like your dad. And, there was this one that started talking to me about…” Buizel continued.

“About what?” a gruff voice interrupted from the entrance.

Skunanne sat up in her bed and then looked at the large canine standing in the doorway. Buizel also looked as the Pokémon started to enter the building.

The 6’ 5” tall wolf stared at Buizel with a pair of circular amber eyes that peered out holes in a silver helmet that covered his upper jaw, forehead, cheek areas, and the backside of his skull. A pair of brown triangular ears stuck out through another pair of holes on the top of his helmet. His lower jaw was also brown and, in his mouth, was the strap of a cooler-like container he was carrying.

Encasing the creature’s neck was a grayish armor formed from small links. Several locks of the wolf Pokémon’s brown hair came out from under his helmet and rested atop his neck’s chain mail.

Stopping the middle of the room, the armored beast set the case he carried down before his chain mail covered forelegs. Both of his forepaws had a series of three long knifelike claws that arced over his three brown toes from the metal-encased pads that caused Buizel to step back in fear.

“I apologize. I should have properly introduced myself before interrupting. I am Metalupus, the leader of the pack that lives to a ways to the east of Pokémon Square as well as a close friend of Skunanne’s father,” the canine uttered, “May I safely assume that you are Buizel?” Buizel nodded.

Skunanne went over to Metalupus’s side and looked up at him. Turning his head to her, Metalupus made eye contact.

“How are you this fine day, Skunanne?” he then asked.

“Alright. What are you doing here, though? Aren’t you and Dad going on a rescue mission?” she replied.

“Indeed, but I have brought something for the two of you,” he said and turning his head back to Buizel, “First things first, however. Could you please answer my question, son?”

Buizel slowly inched off of his bed and replied, “Well… I’m not completely sure. It was so weird. There were these creatures that stood on their hind legs. Kind of like Skunter, but they didn’t have any fur.”

“By nature, dreams are detached from reality. Anything can happen within them and there is never any clear explanation why,” Metalupus said as he turned to his left to reveal a solid chest piece around his torso and more chain mail covering his abdomen up to his hind legs.

“Oh…” Buizel uttered, looking down at the hut’s floor, “I thought…”

“That it’s your memory returning?” Metalupus replied with his head faced back and down towards, “I came to this same conclusion just now. However, I’m not exactly what you would call…a medium. Only the psychics are open to the realm of the mind.”

“So, if we could find one, then…”

“I know someone who could easily make sense of this memory of yours. Currently, he’s away. Upon his return, however, I will take you to meet with him.”

“Alakazam? You want to take Buizel to see that creep?” Skunanne gawked, “That old guy doesn’t know crap about anything!” Metalupus glared down at her, growling.

“So, can this guy really help me out?” Buizel asked.

“There are a few others. My team’s third member Incinermyn, for example, meditates in order to strengthen his ability to ignite and control fires with his mind, but he may be able to offer some insight as to what your dream was. Alakazam is more experienced with his psychic abilities, though,” the canid replied.

“Metalupus! What’s the hold up? We’ve got to head out to Mt. Thunder ASAP!” Skunter barked from outside the hut.

Metalupus turned his body to the entrance, showing the two his thick brown tail. Afterwards, he started out of the shack.

“Hey! What about your team’s toolbox?” Skunanne asked him, looking at the purple container with a white egg-shaped symbol that had a pair of small three-feather wings at its sides embedded on its front.

“Ah, yes,” the beast replied, looking back at the twosome as he left, “I had something I was meaning to give you. It’s inside the toolbox. You’ll know what it is when you see it!” In a few seconds, Metalupus was gone.

Once the wolf Pokémon had gone, Skunanne approached the box. Buizel came up to it as well and looked as she turned the container towards her.

Lifting its lid, the two saw three sheets of paper lying upside down over the various supplies within. Skunanne grabbed the first two with her paws and looked them over. Buizel took the third and started to read to himself.

“Hey, Skunanne. Are these the lyrics to your mom’s song?” he then said, showing her the page.

She glanced and uttered, “Yeah, but…”

“What’s wrong?”

“I can’t believe they did this!” she barked, throwing the papers back in the rescue team toolbox.

She then snatched the lyrics from Buizel and walked over to her hammock. Confused, he took the papers she just threw in the case back out and started reading.

“If Dad seriously thinks I’m going to do that…” she growled, climbing back into bed so she faced the wall nearby.

“Uh… Is this letter saying that we’re now a rescue team like your dad’s?” he asked as he walked over to her bed.

“The jerk! And he didn’t even have to ask us since Platinum rank teams can recommend recruits they think have potential.”

“Hey, how can you talk that way about your dad? I’m sure he wouldn’t have recommended us unless he thought we could handle it. Besides, don’t you want to help others?” he asked her.

Skunanne turned over to look him in the eyes and replied, “You don’t know what it’s like to be on a rescue team, especially a new one… I’ve heard that they start you on this stupid mission to find some stupid kid who supposedly got lost in Thunderwave Cave before some stupid Pokémon that turns out to really be a friend or family member of his gets to him. Those who can’t complete that mission are forced to train for weeks on end at the dojo on the south part of town. Do you realize how stupid that is?”

“No… But, that’s not what this paper says…” Buizel said, holding up one of the sheets. Skunanne scanned it quickly.

Urgent Rescue Requested
Client: Lupudle
Job: Help find my little brother Optipug who wandered off while we were exploring the northern part of the Feral Forest.
Reward: 3 Pecha Scarves, 9 Oran berries, and 1500 Poké

Seeing the reward, she started to grin. Skunanne immediately took the page and headed back to the toolbox. Putting the request into the case, she then grabbed two badges shaped like the symbol on the front of the case from a slot in the lid’s bottom.

“This can’t be that bad, if people offer that kind of reward!” she said as she closed the chest and slung its strap around her right shoulder, “So let’s help this what’s-his-face!”

As she walked back over to Buizel, he uttered, “Uh… Okay…”

“The Feral Forest’s where we were last night! Let’s find Oposease and then go help this guy!” she said, putting a badge in his left paw.

“Hey!” Buizel barked, grabbing his right and pulling so that he was forced to walk with her towards the entrance.

“If we don’t hurry and help this guy, we can’t get the stuff he’s offering!” Skunanne giggled as she towed Buizel out of the hut. Greed and vanity had taken hold of her thoughts, blinding her to the possible dangers that may lie ahead.

End Chapter Two
Seen August 3rd, 2010
Posted May 26th, 2008
375 posts
15.9 Years
Peter Griffin: Freakin' sweet!

Thank you, Peter. And I say this chapter looks pretty cool. I'm guessig the guardian who taunts Skuanne is Gengar? By the way, what Pokemon is Skuanne?

By the way, what of the rest of the Mystery Dungeon Realm? Will we see Pokemon Square or Treasure Town? Does this take place after the star's explosio? And will the rescue team who stopped it be mentioned?
JB IZ THE OVERLORD!

Here's the link to my PMD fanfic!

http://www.pokecommunity.com/showthread.php?t=97759

...and its short story spin-off!

http://www.pokecommunity.com/showthread.php?t=107847
And...the sequel's beginning!
http://www.pokecommunity.com/showthread.php?p=3435238#post3435238




Name: Baby Charmander
Adopt one yourself! @Pokémon Orphanage

Incinermyn

The Abomination Lives!!!

Age 37
Male
Wisconsin, USA
Seen July 29th, 2018
Posted May 21st, 2016
646 posts
15.8 Years
Okay, this kind of confirms my fear of whether or not this was starting to get confusing to people... Apparently I have to make things far clearer like what my fakemon are rather than just hinting with character design, the way they act, and how they speak.

To answer some of your questions, jb, the time setting is ten years after the destruction of the star. I tried setting that up in the prologue with Canersia's prophecy and how the discover of those two other fakemon by the ACT was supposed to confirm that prediction and therefore set it up ten years after the original game. Also, yes, you will be seeing locations like Pokemon square fairly soon (Chapter four and off and on throughout the fic after that). Skunanne is supposed to be a Dark and Psychic Spoiled Pokemon, which is why her attitude is kind of stuck up at some points and a little 'sneaky 'in others. Finally, this story is kind of detached from the first. Even though its the same world, there's a different plot to this one. You may see some similarities coming up though.

Otherwise, it's nice to hear you think this is good though.
Age 36
Seen 15 Hours Ago
Posted 2 Days Ago
Might I say that this was refreshing for me to read? For once, I didn't have to keep my eyes open to catch the big mechanical issues, like grammar and what-not. Awesome! *glomps*

There's still one note that I wish to make. You still split up the paragraphs of your description. When you described Luxray, all the paragraphs that are just plain description of her could have been placed together.

Word choice note: In chapter two, you use the word "guy". This sounds really really informal. You might want to switch that to "man".

Style note: Personally, I feel like you could use more description of feelings. Right now, you just have the characters just casually reacting to changes. Like when Skuanne tells Buizel they're leaving on the rescue mission, have him feel something, like confusion. I would like to see more character-driven novels, but then again, that's just style choice, so it's okay if you don't feel comfortable writing that way.

I guess really what I'm saying is that there still seems to be a missing mood. The story goes on in a near cut-and-dry way, where this, this, and then this happens, and no one really reacts. It's kind of what Alter Ego was getting at.

But still, your story is well-done. I'm going to keep coming back for more.

Avatar credit: Fairy

Incinermyn

The Abomination Lives!!!

Age 37
Male
Wisconsin, USA
Seen July 29th, 2018
Posted May 21st, 2016
646 posts
15.8 Years
^Thank you for the pretty through review, Hanako. I've actually been wondering if I was portraying my characters properly or if it just seemed like that it was just like stuff was happening to them, but then there wasn't any real reaction. I'm going to trying and work on that. Also, thanks for pointing out how I should work on my description somewhat and how I should work on setting up mood a lot better than I have been. This actually helps me far more than just the praise that I've been getting from some of the others.