Don't feel bad because your story is in the Revision Bin. Actually, to be honest, I would be pretty happy to find my story here. It means that my story is going to receive some special attention and I'll get the help I need to help myself grow as a writer.
I'll help you out with what Careful With That Axe, Pichu means. See, right now, your story looks all mooshed together. It's difficult to read, and so some people might just ignore it because it is difficult to read. But a way to help out is by separating your story into paragraphs, like my post is.
To separate your paragraphs, hit the Enter button twice. This will leave a blank line between paragraphs. You start a new paragraph whenever someone starts speaking. Let me show you with an example from your story.
While walking through Altomare, Red and yellow where finding a place to stay at for the night.
"Red are you sure you saw something pass by or maybe it was a pokemon?” Yellow asked.
”I really saw something Yellow, I’m not lying.” Red said.
“And about the place to stay at is there any Pokemon Center here?" Yellow
Asked.
See how much easier it is to read? If you just do that, your story will be more readable, and we can help you out with the other mechanical problems in your fic. Since you say that your bad at English, we can help you learn.
You also want to start a new paragraph when you have a full paragraph of description, or if you have a new idea that doesn't really fit in with the other ideas of the paragraph.
But for now, just worry about fixing the paragraphs for your speech. After that, I can read your story easier and help you out with the other issues. Then, if you follow the advice given to you, your story will improve.